FicWad

Nikki

Man my fucking dining room table is a fucking cornucopia of different foods I had been slaving over all afternoon. Ok, so I made a few phone calls to places that deliver...but I took the shit out of styrofoam containers and lay it out all presentable like in dishes and platters. And I had to send somebody to buy dishes since I apparently didn't own any. I just never needed them before, one because I never ate, and two, if I did it was straight out of whatever delivery brings to me. But I'm trying to impress Izzy and show him that I do have a tame and refined side to me.

I break out the heavy artillery and grab some candles. I don't own a single candle holder so I tilt the candle sideways over a saucer. I stick the candle in the fresh wax and blow on it to dry it faster. Shit that's getting tacky....ah, I know! I grab a rose from the two dozen long stemmed red roses I got to go in the center of the table. I start pulling off petals and scattering them on the saucer at the base of the candle. Much nicer.

I stand back and smile at my artsy fucking table. I should get a picture of this shit! I look at my silverware and question if I lay the shit out in the right order. Was it biggest to smallest or smallest to biggest starting on the outside and working in? Oh fuck it, like Izzy goddamn knows! I must just be fucking nervous or something. I'm not this much of a perfectionist. I shake my head and stop second guessing my silverware. I grab a bottle of red wine and slip it into my freezer cuz I forgot to tell them to pick me up an ice bucket thingy. But again, Izzy's not gonna care, he's used to drinking straight from a bottle like me.

Jesus, I hope he's fucking hungry and not too strung out to eat. I'm hungry because I have taken it easy on the smack today. I wanted to be completely here so I could remember every detail. Getting loaded can wait until later. I'm far more concerned with this goddamn table than a fix anyway. This is a first for me. I've never done the wine and dine routine before. It's highly overrated thus far. But it's gotta be a goodwill gesture, right? Surely it won't go completely unappreciated. I hope.

I dim down the lighting to a cozy level. A fire! Yeah, I need a fire going in my fireplace. Do I have firewood? Shit! No. I grab a little table sitting by my door and crack it over my knee. Viola! Firewood motherfuckers! I toss that shit in my fireplace and naturally I have no lighter fluid since I stopped lighting myself on fire. Oh wait, I know! I dart to my bags still packed by the door. I pull out the trusty Aquanet. I start spraying it on the wood and strike my lighter under it. It blazes like a fucking blame thrower but the hairspray burns off before the wood can catch. All it did was melt the fucking varnish and stink up my living room. Goddamnit! Fuck you fireplace!

But I'm not done. I storm to my kitchen and look under my sink. Why don't I have any cleaning supplies? Oh yeah, I have a maid clean, she brings her own shit. I've gotta have something flammable around here somewhere. Hummm. So I go out to my garage. Nothing! Then my eyes fall on a beer bong Tommy made hanging on the wall. Then my eyes dart to my Harley. So I jerk the beer bong down and grab an empty bucket. I twist the cap off the gas tank and stick in the beer bong. I give it a good suck until the gas is to the top and quickly stick it down in the bucket. Gas starts to tickle in. I get enough and vacate my garage with a bucket of gas in my hand.

I walk to my fireplace and douse the wood with one big splash. I'm not a complete retard so I grab a match, light it, and toss it in. WOOSH! I jump back from the explosion in my fireplace. A wave of blue fire shoots up my arms and singes off all my fucking hair on my arms. But the damn fire is lit! Ha! Fuck you fireplace! I win! I cheer myself on as I try to fan away the black smoke. Shit, now I have to open the fucking windows and air it out. The woods burning much faster than I thought it would too. What else can I break for back up? Fuck, I bet I smell like fucking smoke now. I just fucking showered!

I'm broken from my thoughts by my doorbell ringing it's cryptic funeral March tune. I smile and feel my stomach flutter. That had to be Izzy. I rush to the door and open it, smoke boils out my door. Izzy steps back and just looks at it curiously. I cordially invite him in. "I was afraid you wouldn't come," I admit feeling shy as a motherfucker.

I turn to face him and he's just staring at my fireplace. "Why are you burning your furniture?" He asks motioning at my fire.

"No firewood," I shrug.

"It's not cold," Izzy smirks.

"No but it's pretty don't you think?"

Izzy tries not to laugh, " Yeah, it's nice. Smells like shit but it's tolerable."

"I hope you're hungry," I motion to the dining room, "I kinda got carried away cuz I didn't know what you'd want to eat."

He follows me to the dining room and just stares at the table, "You got all this just for me and you? I can't eat this much in a fucking week."

"Like I said, it's about variety. Want some wine?"

"Why not?" He sighs and plops down at the table resting his elbows on it. I pour him wine in an actual wine glass and sit across from him. Izzy takes a gulp of the wine and grabs his plate and starts digging into shit. I'm so not hungry, but I follow suit. I start with the Asian shit. Izzy chose Italian. That makes me smile since im half Italian. "So how's it feel to be home?"

"Weird," Izzy says twirling some pasta around a fork, "everyone knows who we are. Autographs, pictures, dope, chicks.... It's just... unexpected I guess."

"Everybody wants to be your friend when you're on top," I say and sip my wine watching him devour his food like he hadn't had a meal in a month. Hell, he just might not have. So how'd you manage to break free from Red?"

"He and Erin got this condo together so...." he grabs his wine and gulps down some more.

"I'm sorry, that must sting," I sigh.

"More like being kicked in the nuts," he shrugs in his I don't give a shit attitude. But I know he does give a shit. He's here out of spite probably, but he's here, right? He showed up knowing damn well it was nothing but a booty call to him. That sort of makes me feel like I've been kicked in the nuts. "Nobody has ever done all this just for me," he shakes his head looking at the mountain of food.

"Well that's gonna have to change then," I smile and lean back in my chair watching him in joy. He picks up a fortune cookie and cracks it open. He pulls out his fortune and reads it. His blank face grows even more blank. "What?" I ask.

"It says, be open to new things."

"See, even the fucking fortune cookies are trying to tell you to give me a shot."

He just faintly smiles and drinks more wine. And he refills the glass and gulps it down in one fucking drink. Is he trying to get shitfaced? And that's pretty much what happens. He kills off the bottle in just under a half hour. His eating comes to a halt as he gets full of wine.. he looks over at me finally as I was telling him about my fireplace escapades. His brows furrow, "Man... what the fuck am I doing here?"

"What?" I ask sitting up straight.

"How the fuck can you sit there and look me in the eye after everything you've done to us? How can you really expect me to just magically fall in love with you? How the fuck could I EVER after what you did?!"

"I already explained why," I say looking down at the table.

"Oh right because you love me soooo fucking much! Bullfuckingshit! I f you loved me you wouldn't have let Tommy fucking rape me! You wouldn't have cheered him on! You wouldn't have forced me to blow you! You wouldn't have carved your fucking name in Axls chest! Do you know how much I fucking hate the sight of your goddamn name?! And you would have never tortured Slash! He's the only one who of us that hadn't had to suffer so much! You ruined that! And for what?! To teach me a lesson?! To hurt me because I hurt you!? Fuck you Nikki! I will never love you! I fucking hate you!" He pounds his fists on my table.

"Well why the fuck are you here then?!" I shout back, "Just sticking it to your precious fucked up Fireball?! Why bother?! I didn't drug you and force you this time! You came all on your own!"

"And I shouldn't have! I can't fucking do this shit! Not with you! I'd rather fuck every suit at Geffen than let you fucking touch me! You make me physically ill!"

I grab my wine, "Yeah you looked real sick when you were begging me to fuck you!"

"I did what I had to do to get you off Slash!"

"Hummm, ok, then why did it take you four fucking hours to do it then?! You could have stopped it before it even started! But you didn't! You sat and fucking watched! I think you must have been enjoying the show!" I push my chair out from the table and rise to my feet looking down at him. "Yeah, nothing to say now huh?!"

"I fucking hate you!" He says with his eyes starting to water.

"You wish you did! But the real truth is you're here with me cause I give you something that you can't get from anyone else! You're totally hooked on the fact that I do love you! You sit there and pretend to be so moralistic and wholesome?! You know your fucking mind has already pondered the fucking thought of 'oh why can't Axl love me like that? ' Why did I let Slash go?!' Guess what sweetheart, Slash didn't love you as much as you love him! He's just a sweet kid who has trouble saying no! He's in love with Duff; anybody with eyes in their head can see that they're made for each other! And you already know what your perfect fucking Fireball thinks about you! That youre just a junkie piece of dog shit!"

"Shut up," he says grasping the edge of the table.

"No, I dont think i fucking will! Its time you face the fucking music! I'm telling you the goddamn truth and you know it! Sure it hurts and you dont wanna hear it! But you need to! You think so little of yourself that you'll grasp at any straw you can. You say you hate me, fine, I'm used to being hated. But in the back of that fucking head of yours you're plotting ways to use my feelings for you to your advantage. You're trying to play me and string me along! Is that your personal vengeance against me?!"

Izzy glares at me and his eyes go black, "You goddamn right I am."

I rest my hands on the table and glare right back at him, " You know what? You already hurt me! That's why I hurt you! I'm not the one here who can't decide what he wants!"

"I know I don't fucking want you."

I just laugh cryptically, "Then why are you just sitting there?! Why aren't you leaping across this table and trying to beat the shit out of me?! You've got no problem with shooting me, so why not pull out that Beretta and plant one right between my eyes?! It's in your power! You've got the fucking motive! Do it!" But he just stares at me with his lip starting to slightly quiver. "You can't, can you?! Wanna hear the fucked up reason why?! Check this deep ass psychology out! You don't want me completely out of you life. I bring drama, true, but that shits the only way to make you feel! It's the only way to make Axl feel! In a weird fucked up way you see it as me bringing you two closer!! You think about that fucked up shit Izzy! So remind me again, who's the crazy one here? Im the fucking pawn in your own sick twisted little game! So you sit there and make your best chess move Izz.Get the fuck up and show me how much you hate me!"

"I'm not crazy!"

"Mmmm, keep saying it, maybe you'll convince yourself. The only thing you're convincing me of is that you can't just get up and simply walk out. Doors right there...unlocked. Don't see any shackles on your ankles, what's the hold up?" I shrug. He just blinks and a tear falls. He looks down trying to hide it. "Do I need to give you an elementary lesson on why you're crying and still sitting there?! Because you don't have a fucking clue what you want. You want to get back at me because a little voice in your head tells you it's the right thing to do. But another voice is arguing with it saying to just play the game. Know why? Because I touch you how you want to be touched. I kiss you how you want to be kissed. And I fuck you like you want to be fucked! How are you doing in that department elsewhere? Must not be too fucking good or again, you wouldn't be growing roots at my table!"

Izzy just sits there looking at me because he knows I'm fucking right. And he doesn't make one move to leave. He can't fucking leave. He doesn't really want to. And right now, the way I'm laying it all out on the line for him, reminds him of how Axl talks to him. I'm managing to get through to him but he's so confused about it he doesn't know what the fuck to do. So I casually walk around the table and sit down on the edge of it close to him.

"Look, I'll say I'm sorry for hurting you as much as I have. I'm sorry for Axl, for Slash, hell even Duff. I'm sorry Tommy's dick is huge. But I won't fucking say I'm sorry for loving you. I'm not sorry. And wether you get it or not, I did all of that shit because of how much I love you!There is nothing I won't do to prove that to you. Fucking nothing. And I'm patient as fuck. I promise you I can out wait anybody. So what are you gonna do Izzy? Leave? Or stay?""

Izzy just shakes his head, "Fuck you Nikki."

"I'd love to, it was my plan all along but now...I'm not so sure if I should. Maybe I should throw you out on your ass and let you go be a third wheel with Axl and Erin. Who knows, maybe you can catch Slash alone long enough to steal a kiss. And hey, there's always smack. Maybe you could go sell some so you can make that monthly deposit on mommy's life."

"Do you ever just fucking stop? Get the fuck out of my head!"

"Not sorry for that either. I told you I know exactly who you are. See, Axls not the only person who can get in your head. Wanna know the really ironic part? You let me in."

And Izzy can only sit there shaking his head in disbelief. I put one hand on the back of his chair and lean over and brush a light kiss across his neck. He just sits there. I run my tongue up his ear, and he just sits there. Where's those spiteful words now? I can't help but smirk.

"So I take it you're staying," I whisper as I nip his ear lobe."

He sighs in defeat, "I don't know what to do. You have me all messed up."

I take his hand and kiss the back of it, "I'll walk you through it."

I pull him to his feet and he starts shaking his head, "No."

"I'm not taking you to bed. I'm not trying to fuck you right now at all. Right now I'm just trying to help you relax.. Just...try to trust me. I know I've made it really hard for you to do that...but... I could not be more on the level with you Izzy. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to love you. I wanna show you that im not all bad. I have a heart," I softly say and place his palm flat over my heart, "see...I do have a heart."

His eyes just stare at his hand. He blinks a few times and his eyes flutter to the floor. "Why the fuck does it have to be you?" He asks just barely loud enough for me to hear.

"Because it's just the way the fucking cookie crumbles. Maybe it has something to do with the faze of the moon or some gravitational pull from Saturn. I can't answer that Izzy, but I know that it happened. I love you. I love you because you just want to be loved. I love the way you try to protect the ones you love. I love your crass and incredibly dry sense of humor. I love the complexity, yet shallow way in which you think. I like that you're hard as nails. I love that you're always carrying around a fucking gun. I love that you ain't scared to use it. I love the way you observe everything all the time. I like that you're street smart. Just let me love those things. There's nothing wrong with me doing that."

I gently take his hands and start to slowly coax him to the living room. My fire is long dead but there's a perfectly good Persian rug in front of my fireplace. Why have such an expensive thing to not use? I've got some smack ready to go. I know there's plenty of Jack, plenty of coke. It's fucking on and crackalackin!

I get down on my knees, still holding his hands and looking up at him. With one gentle tug he's down on his knees too. "You know why I brought you in here? Because that night at my party you curled up like a dog by the fireplace, right here. I watched you sleep a long time. You know, even when you sleep you know everything going on." I reach over and grab one of the syringes. "You mind if I give you this? It's not too strong, I promise. I want you here." He hesitates a moment but starts to roll up his sleeve. He slowly extends out his arm in front of me. I look down at it and can't help but see his track marks. They really show up on his pale ass skin. "You ever thought about covering these up with tattoos?"

"Why? I'd still know that they're there," he shrugs looking down at them.

I look at him puzzled, "You don't like having a need for this shit do you?" I ask.

Izzy softly shakes his head no. "I just can't stop."

"Yeah, me either, and I know it's gonna kill me...but the bitch just whispers in my ear and begs me to love her, and I just can't tell her no." I slap at his arm and turn it sideways looking for a vein. Then I give him what I know he needs. I pull the needle out of his arm and kiss the spot I just punctured. "It's ok now." Then I shoot myself up.

I lay down on my side with my hand propping up my head. I run my hand down Izzy's back. He looks at me then lays down on his back next to me staring up at my ceiling. I run my free hand down his arm and take his hand, his fingers intertwined with mine. I look at how long his fingers seem next to mine.. I look at him and he looks over at me. "How can you hurt me more than anyone and be like this too?" He asks me.

"Well...before me wasn't that pretty much the scenario with you and Axl? Maybe old habits die hard? Maybe a duel of personalities is just your personal preference?"

His gaze diverts back to the ceiling. "He wasn't always so much like that."

"But he is now. People change izzy. It's inevitable. Life changes our personalities in a manner accordingly compliant with the environment we put ourselves in."

"You just have an answer to everything don't you?" He asks dryly.

"Most things do have an answer. I read a lot so I know a lot of answers I guess. Plus I've lived one crazy ass life. And if we learn by making mistakes...well then I'm a goddamn genius."

Izzy turns his head to face me, "You're probably the smartest person I know...but the way you use it...it's fucking cruel. You like fucking with a person's mind... you're doing it right now, holding my hand, talking so softly...looking at me like I hold all the answers you don't know. I have no answers at all. Just look at me, really look...like past the things you like...all the bad things."

I smile at him and squeeze his hand a little. "Love accepts, unconditionally. Love is the biggest gamble of all. You just have to find the person you're willing to do that with. I'm sure you know what I'm saying, not like you've never been in love before."

"I do know what you mean. That's how I feel about Axl, I take the good and dismiss or justify the bad. But...he does too you know. I know I'm a junkie and I know I hurt him just as much as he does me. It like this perfect balance of love and hate with us."

"Hey," I interrupt him, "Perhaps in this peculiar situation in which we find ourselves at this moment... we don't talk about Axl. Ok? It's just, well I want him to vanish from existence. And I'm in love with you...so yeah, let's not say the A word."

"Whatever," Izzy sighs, "but you can't make him vanish from my mind."

I raise an eyebrow, " As much as I loathe saying it, I wouldn't want to. You're who you are because of him and I love who you are."

"Would you fucking stop talking to me like that? It's fucking weird ok?"

I hover over him, my lips just at his but not touching. "Since we can't agree on a topic of conversation, I vote we just don't fucking talk at all," and I let my lips meet with his. I listen to the way he draws in a breath and moans it out. He just never gets enough kissing. And he's great at it, like me.

So I move at turtle speeds with him. I just kiss him and stroke him for hours. Honestly, I'm not even trying to fuck him. I'm content having him right where I have him. It's not until he grinds up into me and I feel his hard dick that it even crosses my mind. Naturally I take that as my green light to step it up a notch. But still, very slowly. Like all goddamn night until it's starting to get daylight. We even make it to my room after a brief intermission against the hallway wall. Then in my bed, so gently and passionately. I memorize every curve of his face as my fingers trace each one and my lips feather over them, kissing them one by one. When he touches back its just as slow and gentle.It ends when both our toes curl and we practically scream from the release we get from holding back our orgasms so fucking long.

I collapse back on the bed panting, drenched in sweat. Izzy's laying, panting and sweating too. Once I can fucking breathe again I tug him into my arms. He slides over while looking at me and I kiss him again. Not deeply, just a little kiss to feel his lips. When I move away I cup his chin.

"I love you Izzy. Just look in my eyes and you'll see I'm not lying to you. You are amazing and there's not a thing about you that I'd want to change. I don't want you to change one fucking thing. Do you hear me? You're beautiful the way you are."

He just curls into me and buries his face in my neck. Im unsure if he's hiding his expression or just being cozy. I fall asleep to his warm breath on my neck. This is pure bliss to me, just holding someone I love. It doesn't even matter much to me that I know he doesn't love me. He's here and he's not fighting me. For now, that's enough. It's gonna take time and patience. But when I set my mind to something, well I'll dye trying to get it. I'm not dead yet so...