FicWad

Steven

We're home, living at Franklin Plaza until Geffen sends us back out. We were determined to get past all the things that have brought us down. Slash and Duff got a set of matching black Corvettes. We were supposed to be getting back into the studio, but we just can't write in our frame of minds. We're all at our wits end. When you're stuck in hell it's hard to find a way out. Money can't fix it, not fast cars, pussy, or even dope can change what had happened to us. The only answers are either a lobotomy or mind over matter. But it takes a strong individual to be able to bury it. I haven't really met anyone else who could yet. Izzy came the closest, but Izzy was sorta heartless by nature. And I don't really mean that in a bad way.

After that trip to Seattle we were brothers. We were like a gang. Band wars were so common on the Strip. We spent all of our dough just paying to print out the fliers. Then some punks would come along and staple their flier over ours. But we made double rounds. Slash would get on Duff's shoulders so no one could reach them to cover them. Those nights were the best. We'd get drunk and high and just be a gang. Izzy pissed all over the fliers of the guys he hated. Duff liked drawing them all with crazy hairdos. Slash liked to add misinformation to other band fliers, like time and place changes. Axl rather enjoyed giving the band's much more colorful names. For instance, if the band's name was 'Sounds Of May' he'd black out letters so the new name looked like 'SodOMy'.

Izzy would always make a killing those nights slinging smack. But very rarely did I ever see it. Izzy was far too clever of a drug dealer. But, he had a pretty A list of customers. 90% were musicians. Many of which were what we wanted to be. He got us a lot of foot holes. They mostly didn't get him anywhere but thrown over a conference table. But Izzy was determined to make it. Of course we rested better knowing that he was strapped, you never knew when flier wars might get out of hand. And though he looked like a dealer, he never flaunted it. But Izzy's changed. He sticks to himself or Axl more. A grand feat considering the way they fight.?

Izzy seemed genuinely happy with Slash, but when he was faced with the choice, help Axl, or stay with Slash, he chose Axl. It's probably best. Slash loves Duff, he always has and I can tell he's still head over heels for him. And Duff's good for him in every way. They have matching hearts. They just fucking fit. It's a good balance. They're not like Axl and Izzy. Or at least they aren't yet.

And since Izzy was briefly with Slash, Axl's gotten even more moody than he was. He went off on us guys all the time. He would later apologize in his own way. Axl had the most grandiose ways of apologizing. But he was holding up shows. He was diving into crowds. Getting arrested, and just being crazier than normal. It seemed to be putting a lot stress on he and Izzy. Izzy's using one of two coping skills in this type situation, self medicating or running, not like Axl let's him run far.

But I can see that's exactly what he wants to do. Izzy made the grandest gesture of all in the sake of friendship, he fucked his rapist to get them free. I know he did it because he cares about or maybe loves Slash but it truly was a selfless act. Honestly, past that first night, Izzy seemed to act as though it was business as usual. But then nobody hides their feelings better than Izzy. Maybe that was just his instinct to keep us all safe kicking into overdrive.

I can't stop thinking about what Nikki might have forced him to do..it had to be horrible for Izzy. It took a toll on Axl who tried he best to give Izzy the pampering he needed. I know they loved one another, but times like this was the only time it showed. I guess they had been through far too much to not be detached except in times of crisis.

But it was Slash that I worried about most if all. This was his first all out rape. Duff did everything to help, but Slash had Scottie beam him up. We've all been there so we understood. His body lay mangled in a bed, but his soul skipped town. For days he didn't move or eat. Worst of all he went completely mute. He asked for Izzy a few times, which had to piss Duff off. But Duff loves him enough to not give up, and he didn't. He managed to bring Slash back to us in time for the final show. Naturally that psycho fuck Nikki, made sure it would be a send off that we'd never forget.

Once we broke free from Crue it's like someone flipped a switch. We were so glad to be home. However, Axl ruined the bliss with getting a condo with Erin. Izzy hadn't taken it well. I mean, he was fucking her too, right? Why not all three shack up together? As it was he had a room across the hall from me at Franklin Plaza. The guy had to feel alienated. No one was talking to him really; well Slash was but he had made the hugest self sacrifice for Slash. No good deed goes unpunished I guess. Doesn't Axl realize that Izzy needs him now more than ever? Axl knows better than any of us how much unwanted sex Izzy has had to perform! I can't help but wonder if Axl thinks Izzy wanted it. He just has that look in his eye when outwardly he's trying to be nice.

I told you guys before that Axl keeps a journal. From time to time I get the opportunity to seek a peek. I mean fuck, it's the easiest way to understand he and Izzy since they are it's lead characters. Well, it's in Axls opinion that Izzy only pretended to forget about fucking Sixx the night they met him. He thinks Nikki threatened him to keep his mouth shut. But Nikki's had no problem jumping out of the closet it would seem. I think Izzy did forget, he was wasted. He probably just barely remembered Tommy.

Did you know Axl has kept every letter between he and Izzy, every poem, every song, every random scribble. Why would Axl hang on to those things if he didn't completely love Izzy? And those matching gold bands they wear on their right hands? Well I found their vows for their "marriage". They even signed their legal names at the bottom. It wasn't long, in fact it was fairly short, intimate, and truly put a light on the true relevance of their love. It read as follows:

"Dear love, one feathered moment and I come to lie down in thy dark retiring room and mingle dust with thine. Yet we may have as when alive one bed so dead one grave. And may my soul tear through the vaulted sky to be with thine through all eternity."

I've never cared enough for any other person like this. Never wanted to be buried next to anyone. Damn sure never wanted to tear into heaven to find them either. They love each other, they have to. But Izzy raises so much doubt about his love. First with Slash. And with Nikki which he claims to have no memory of. I really hope that's the honest to God's truth.

But if Izzy did know...damn him to hell. He drug all of us into this! If he could have prevented all of this...fucking damn his soul! If this was just a fucking cat and mouse courtship I will personally kill him with my own two bare hands. Hes my friend, brother and band mate, I don't wanna hate him. But I feel myself teetering on the edge of the unknown, and I fucking hate that shit.

I just want everyone to be happy. I wanna enjoy this rock star thing. We have real fans. Our video is number one. This might very well be as good as it gets and nobody is enjoying it. Their mangled love lives, tainted with rapes, consumes them. I know that shit sticks with you but you just have to move on, turn the page. I'm worried that Slash won't be able to do that as easily as Izzy or Axl. Slash has such a child-like naivety. But how can he after this? I hope Duff is enough to get him through.

And I hope Axl stops treating Izzy like he has the plague. No one, and I mean no one would ever love Axl like Izzy does. No one else would put up with his shit. Izzy might have cheated, but the only reason he did was because Axl wasn't giving him what he needed. I'm not trying to justify or excuse it, he shouldn't have done it, but I get why he did. I'd probably do the same thing. He should just stick to fucking Erin on the side, Axl never seemed to mind that. Girls were a regular thing with them both. Girls had put roofs over their heads, food in their stomachs, and clothes on their backs in return for sex and maybe an I love you. They were used to and accepted girls in the mix. It wasn't like that with Duff and Slash. They were very much into monogamy. The few times they had slept with girls had led to disaster in their relationship so they just don't do it. They don't want to anyway; they're totally happy with each other.

Nikki's been persuing the fuck out of Izzy. Every day there's a gift and a post card or letter. He sent Izzy chocolates, flowers, clothes, anything he thought Izzy might like. Izzy would trash the flowers and eat the chocolates. He would read and burn the letters and postcards. He took great precautions to keep Axl from finding any evidence. I really can't figure out why Izzy keeps stringing him along. Maybe he just likes the attention. But I don't think Nikki realizes that. I think he's made up this grand fantasy in his head. And I know Nikki won't give up. He will chase Izzy to the edges of the earth. He might have been a sick psychopath, but I think he must have some pretty serious feelings for Izzy. I worry what will happen when he comes back from Japan. I mean he does live in LA.

So I spend all of my time alone, as you see. My so called friends, the guys I call brothers, never have the spare time to waste on me. Sometimes I feel like the black sheep. I'm the only one who's straight. I'm the only one with the constant upbeat attitude. I could bring them plenty of laughs if they ever came around. I mean fuck, they may as well have been on another planet cause I never fucking see them now. On tour I could count on being stuck in a close proximity to them. But here in LA, they pretty much abandon me. It's cool though, I get it. Plus I've got a new dealer. Enough smack and you stop caring about shit. That's where I am.