FicWad

Axl

I stood in the bathroom mirror of my bathroom at the condo me and Erin have together. I'm shaving little Billy. He stands very still for me and holds his chin up. And no, he doesn't need a shave, he's five fucking years old, but Axl does. Billy refuses to let me see my own reflection in a mirror so we have to compromise. It works somehow. Billy blinks and tilts his head. His bright green eyes look at me.

"Axl? Why doesn't Izzy live here too?" He asks me.

I sigh, "It's complicated."

"Why? You want him here...he wants to be here even Erin wants him here," he softly protests.

"It just wouldn't look appropriate," I say and rinse off the razor.

"But you need each other. You feel safe when Izzy is with you." And that was true. I had always felt safe when Izzy was around. Izzy's one of the baddest motherfuckers there is when he needs to be. But he can't always be there to save me, look at all the times that he couldn't. No one can ever just shelter me in a protective bubble. I know he tries, but he can't do it. I've gotta have my own back. My bands back.

"I know, but Izzy just can't live here," I shake my head, " Be still."

Billy straightens up as I glide the razor down his chin. He looks at me and it's a shameful look "I like it better when Izzy's here too."

I sigh and drop the razor in the sink. I rest my weight on the counter and divert my gaze down so I don't have to see the disappointment on little Billy's face. "You're too young to understand," I shake my head. "I've gotta learn how to live without him Billy. I have to learn how to take care of myself. Izzy can't do that forever."

"But Izzy wants to take care of us Axl. And he wants you to do the same. He had to do something bad to help Slash. He says he's fine, but he's not. Izzy just says that so you don't worry. But I worry, don't you?" He softly asks.

"Yeah, I know he does...but he's different now Billy. He changes a little more every day. The drugs just get worse and worse...it hurts too much to watch it." I just look down at the shaving cream floating on the water.

"Like the same way it used to hurt him to have to clean you up after the Reverend would hurt you?" He questions.

"No...it's different. The drugs are different. They're hurting him, but he can't see that. Izzy and I started this band together. We said we would make it and get signed no matter what, and we have...but everything we did...Now Izzy's too loaded to show up to interviews. He's just standing by and floating on the tide while all the leg work gets put off on me. I guess I just never expected it to be so much work. I also thought I'd have four other guys to help me do this. But Izzy's turned both Stevie and Slash into junkies. Duff's just a drunk and coke head. The only thing their capable of deciding is what to wear. I mean they play the gigs and all, but beyond that they aren't doing the work. They do interviews, but man they're always so fucking trashed. I keep trying to tell myself that if I just push Izzy away a little that he'll finally see how bad off he is."

"But he doesn't," Billy whispers, "he just thinks you don't love him or need him anymore. Pushing him away is hurting him. When Izzy hurts he just takes it out on himself. You hurt him, he hurts himself. You know that. Why do you just let him hurt?"

"Goddamnit I don't know!" I snap and shove my weight off the sink.

"Don't you still need him? Don't you love him? I still do," he says and i hear the desperation in his little voice.

I run my hand through my hair and pace. "How could I not love him? How?! I'll never be able to not love Izzy! He's in my fucking DNA! But I can't just... I m miserable Billy, do you understand that?"

"No...how can loving someone make you miserable?" He asks so innocent and child like.

And again I sigh shaking my head, "I don't know. It shouldn't. That's what's got my head all messed up. Yes, I love him, but I can't live like this. It's just don't feel right anymore. And it breaks my fucking heart! And I'm scared and confused and don't know what the fuck to do! I mean fuck! I'm talking to you! That's so not normal!"

"Well you won't talk to anyone else anymore," Billy sees fit to remind me. "They're all hurting too. They all let bad men do things to them...for you...for you and izzy and the band. First Duff, then Slash. They need you too. They all need you. If you're the only one who can run the band, then that means you're the one who has to take care of them? Right?"

I grasp my head, "I can't," I say sounding so helpless and defeated.

"But...you have to, for all they've done to help you get here..." he pleads their cases so adamantly.

"I just fucking can't!!" I shout out.

Then my thoughts get broken off to Erin softly knocking on the door, "Axl...who are you yelling at?"

I growl and rip open the door, "My fucking self! What's it to you?!"

"N...nothing... I just thought maybe you were on the phone or..." her eyes flutter down. "S..should I leave?"

"And go where?!" I shout at her, " To Izzy's?!"

"No...just out...a movie or..."

"Horseshit!" I shout and grab her arms, "You want him here too don't you?!"

"Only if you do," she says with wide eyes and squirming under my touch.

"What? Fucking me ain't good enough for you?!" I violently shove her away from me. "Then go fuck him! I know you like him better anyway! Nikki gladly told me that shit!"

"I haven't said one word about Izzy!" She shouts but backs away, " You brought him up so I'll assume that's what's bothering you! Maybe you should leave and go talk to him instead of yourself like a crazy person!"

I shove her hard into the wall and grab her by her throat, "I m not fucking crazy!"

"You're... You're acting like Nikki," she chokes out with wide eyes staring into mine.

I hear Billy whimper in my head, "Axl let her go....please."

"Shut the fuck up! Shut up!!"I scream to him looking right at her and squeezing her throat even tighter until her face is turning red and her eyes are bulging.

"Please!!!!" Billy insists.

I shove myself away from Erin and storm back into the bathroom. I stare into the mirror and look at Billy looking at me. "Leave me the fuck alone! Go away!" I scream and punch the mirror but all it does is hurt my fucking hand. I hear the door slam and know Erin left. I just look into the mirror. Billy's got tears in his eyes. When a tear falls I feel it rolling down my cheek. I wipe my fingers over it and notice that I'm crying too.

Erin

He's crazy! He's fucking crazy!! I got the hell out as soon as I caught my breath. I stumbled out onto the street finding it easier to breathe in the cool night air. I take off running down the street and hiding in every shadow I could find. I was terrified he would come after me. I hop the first bus I can.

Once in the bus seat and safely moving I felt a little bit safer. I was worried about Axl now. He needed help, far more than I know how to give him. What if he hurts himself? He gets so mad and starts breaking things. What if the neighbors call the cops? The old lady across the way already hates him. What do I do?

But I know there's just one place I can go. As fate would have it he probably stands a better chance of bringing Axl back down to earth than I do. I just don't know what to do for him. Izzy will know what to do. If he doesn't nobody does. Yeah, Izzy will come back with me and he'll calm Axl down. Izzy's what Axl needs right now. I know I m right.

I get off the bus and walk a few short blocks to Franklin Plaza. I go up to Izzy's floor. The hallway is a beehive of activity. It's more like a huge party. I'm hit on at least seven times before I can shove my way through the people and make it to Izzy's door. I knock loudly. A moment later Izzy answers, drink in one hand, cigarette in his lips. His half lidded eyes glance me over.

He takes his cigarette out of his mouth with his free hand. "What he do?" He asks letting me in.

I rush into his room and start pacing. "He's fucking crazy Izzy!"

He carelessly plops down on the bed and takes a drink. "And you're just now figuring this out?"

"Goddamnit Izzy!" I shout at him and grab his bottle out of his hand as he's trying to take a drink.

Izzy just sighs, "He hit you?"

"No! He tried to fucking choke me to death!" I shout out loudly so he'll take me seriously.

Izzy just looks to the TV. "What did you do to set him off?"

"He was yelling in the bathroom! All I did was ask him who he was yell at! He flew out of the bathroom talking about you and wanting to fight me! I didn't do anything!" I try explaining.

Izzy just shakes his head, "When will you learn to just avoid him? You're never going to figure him out, why are you still trying?"

"Because I love him!" I blurt out.

Izzy's eyes cut up at me, "Do you now?" He huffs. "I think you already know how I feel about that one sugar," he jerks his bottle back away from me and leans back into the headboard.

"I love you too," I say to him because I did. I loved them both.

Izzy's eyebrows just raise. "That's your misfortune."

He's fucking drunk. "How much have you drank?" I ask looking at the bottle in his hand.

"Well, im awake still, so clearly not enough," he shrugs.

"Have you heard one thing I've said?!" I can't help but shout.

"Axl choked you. You love us both. And you want me to make it where you can go sleep in your cozy fucking bed next to Axl. Bout sum it up?" He sarcastically asks.

"I'd stay here if I could, but you know what that'll do to him! Please! Help me Izzy! I love you! I love Axl! But I'm not trying to take your place! I just.... I just want to be to you guys what Desi was!"

Izzy's eyes narrow at me, "He fucking told you about Desi?"

"No," I shake my head, "Nikki did."

Izzy just shakes his head with a smirk. "Did Nikki also tell you she's how I got hooked on heroin? You want to be like the bitch who strung me out? Yeah... I m just dying for that again baby. You're not like Desi, ok. I don't fucking love you. I like you at best. The sex is good and all but...well it ain't love honey. And for your information, Desi was just a fluke. She was a once in a lifetime thing. Axl and I don't love you."

Tears fall from my eyes at his cold words, "I know that," I nod sadly, "but it doesn't change anything about how I feel. I love you both. You should know about loving two people at once, or have you gotten over the whole Slash thing?"

Izzy's response is hurling his bottle across the room and smashing it into the TV. "Fuck you! You don't know shit about that! Damnit! Why do all the wrong people love me?!" He jumps up off the bed and scrambles his hand under his pillow and pulls out his gun. I freeze. But he just stuffs it in the front of his pants. He pulls his shirt over it and glares at me. "Look... I m sorry, I'm drunk and...it's ok....just stop crying, Ill fix it darlin. Come on," he says softly and motions to the door with his head and holds his hand out to me. I take it and we leave.

When Izzy walks down the hall people try talking to him, giving him drugs, trying to get him to hang out. He just politely dismisses it all as he walks along holding my hand tightly so we don't get separated. When we get outside I think we are walking to the bus stop but Izzy stops just short of it. He climbs into the back of a black motorcycle shining under the street lights. "Get on," he says and motions behind him.

"When did you get a motorcycle?" I ask in surprise.

"Yesterday," he says as he jump starts it. I climb on and hold on tight.

I quickly discover that Izzy likes to drive at very unsafe altitudes, but he's a great driver. Nikki drove fast too, but he scared me with his driving. It seemed like it only took five minutes to get back to mine and Axl's condo. Izzy pulls up to the curb and I get off the back. Izzy kills the bike and kicks out the kick stand with his foot. He gets off his bike and lights up a cigarette and stares up at the building.

"Hurry!" I shout at him and race up the sidewalk.

Izzy drops his cigarette to the ground and follows me up the stairs. I let him in our apartment and the place is completely trashed. "It wasn't like this when I left," I tell Izzy. He nods and takes my hand again as his eyes dart about looking at everything. We walk quietly down the hall and find Axl in the bedroom staring blankly out the window. Izzy let's go of my hand and clears his throat, "Uh Axe?"

Axl slowly turns to face Izzy. When he does I see that his hands are bloody. Izzy must too because he very slowly reaches for Axls hand. "Who won? You or the apartment?"

Axl just looks down and buries his face into Izzy's chest. Izzy's arms go around him.

"Darlin what happened? What did you do?" Izzy softly asks as he holds him. But Axl doesn't answer, he just goes limp in Izzy's arms. Izzy just eases him down to the floor. Axl keeps his hands tightly clenched to Izzy's shirt. Izzy looks up at me. "Can you get a towel? And wet it?"

I rush off and grab him a wet towel and return. Now Izzy's sitting with his legs out and Axl in a ball on his lap. Izzy takes the towel.

"Come on, let's see how bad you fucked your hands up," Izzy says prying one of Axl's bloody clenched fists off his shirt. He starts to wipe at it revealing nothing more than surface scratches from his self destructive outburst. "It's not bad, no stitches this time," Izzy sighs in relief.

I just sit down on the bed and watch as Izzy gently wipes away all the blood from his hands. Axl just watches everything in silence. When Izzy's done he looks at Axl. He cups his chin, "Just tell me what's wrong."

"Everything," Axl whispers.

Izzy wipes a tear from Axls cheek.

"Billy won't leave me alone," Axl mutters.

"Billy? Billy who darlin?" Izzy asks.

"Billy. Me...me when I was little, before you and I met... He's there every time I look in the mirror. He's in my head and talks to me," Axl calmly explains.

Izzy's eyebrows raise, "What? Darlin how long has this been going on?"

"A while," Axl shrugs.

Izzy looks at him and nods, "Well that explains a lot " He wraps his arms around Axl again. "It's gonna be ok. It's not real."

"Yes it is," Axl gasps and starts crying like a baby in Izzy's arms on the floor. "Make him go away Izzy. Just give me a fix please, it's the only way he ever goes away," Axl almost whispers.

"You've been doing it a lot since Nikki. I don't want to get you strung out again. I won't do it," Izzy shakes his head.

"Please," Axl looks him in his eyes with tears streaming from his own, practically begging for it. "Please. I promise I won't get strung out. Just... just make Billy go away tonight."

Izzy just looks down slightly shaking his head no.

Axl cups his chin and lifts his eyes up to face his. "Please. If I have to go ask Duff for some of Slash's, I will. You know I will...so just do it. Fucking please."

Izzy sighs and runs his hand over his face. "Let's get you on the bed, ok?" He asks. Axl nods and gets up off the floor.

He lies on the bed and looks up at me as Izzy pulls off his belt. "I'm sorry Erin, it wasn't you."

I smile and take his hand. I kiss it softly and feel tears working up in my eyes. "It'll be ok tonight. Izzy's here and I'm here. You're safe now. It's ok. Billy's going to go." I glance over at Izzy. His eyes watch me intensely. He slightly nods and urges me to keep talking to Axl. Apparently he felt I was saying the right things. Izzy slips his belt over Axls arm. "We both love you so much. We're going to help you through this."

Izzy injects him and Axl's eyes slowly close. "Thank-you," he mutters under his breath and just goes limp.

Izzy pulls out the needle and looks lovingly down at Axl. He shoves his hair out of his eyes and glances over at me. "If you were smart you'd get out now before your good intentions blow up in your face. I get it, I do, you love men who are lost causes. You think you can save them but you can't honey. You can't fix either of us and we can't fix ourselves." He holds the empty syringe up to me, "This is our fixing it. You know it's not even working. Open your eyes...the two of us can only bring you pain. A while back that would have suited me fine...but...I don't wanna hurt you anymore. And I know I will. So will Axl. You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"Neither of you can compare to Nikki," I look down. "The two of you won't hurt me like him."

"We already have, can't you see that?" He asks and I feel his hand go across mine. "You could do so much better than this, than us and our fucked up everything."

I look up at him and shake my head no. "I'm staying, just like the two of you stay for each other. I owe it to both of you."

"Don't try to strap on unneeded responsibility like that. Just walk away, clean and free. I promise you there's a thousand broken down guys out there waiting to hurt you. Don't make it be us."

I lean over Axl gently. I press my lips to Izzy's. His eyes close as I kiss him softly. I can hear him sigh when I move away. He just looks at me in concern. "I love you and I won't leave you. Either of you."

Izzy's eyes drop down on Axl. "I'm honestly trying to help you Erin."

"I know," I whisper, "but it's my risk to take. And to me, you're both worth it. You need it."

Izzy's eyes dart back up to mine. He just silently looks at me and nods. He crawls up on the bed next to Axl and takes him in his arms and rolls him over onto his side some. I lay down behind Izzy with my arm draped across his waist. I listen to Izzy softly humming to Axl. It puts me to sleep in a mere moments.