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Nikki

I've kinda fucked up. I got arrested. In Japan. Tommy and I were shitfaced on the bullet train when we started harassing Mick and Emi. I cant stand the gold digging whore and I don't like Mick fucking the help! Can't he see she's no fucking good. She doesn't give a shit about him. But he acts all in love with her so when they started making out i just flipped. We started pouring our Jack on them. Then when Mick started bitching about it i hurled my bottle at him. Unfortunately it missed him and hit this Japanese guy in a business suit. Blood started gushing from his head. I just turned around, slumped down in the seat and jerked the bottle of Jack out of Tommy's hand.

When the train stopped there were people waiting. Fans, I think. I get off the train all smiles and waving. Then, the next thing I know, I'm being tackled. They weren't fans obviously. So they cuff me. Doc tries to intervene but he too ends up being arrested. They take us in, get a translator, and start asking questions. Doc tells me to just sit there and not say one word. Like I'm that obedient. Finally were free to go.

Now everyone is pissed off at me. No one is talking to me. Honestly, I like it. I'm so sick of them all. I'm sick of this tour. I'm sick of playing the same fucking songs over and over. I'm sick of the food always being cold. I'm sick of Mick and Emi's cuddly fluffy bullshit. Sick of Vince's primadonna attitude. And I'm sick of Tommy always trying to get on my good side so he can fuck me. It ain't happening T-Bone.

I called Izzy and told him all about it. He was pretty smacked out so his reaction to my escapades is stale. Izzy's quick to get off the phone. I let him go because I know how it is to be riding a high and not want to deal with anyone. It wouldn't surprise me if Axl was right next to him when he called. Or maybe he was in a bad mood. Worse case scenario, he wasn't happy to hear from me. But i refuse to accept anything other than what it is I want. I want Izzy. I will chase him to the edges of the earth. I'll shower him in gifts.

Speaking of gifts, I sent Izzy this really cool silk kimono today. It had this bad ass dragon blowing fire on the back.Its black, red, and gold. It'll look great on him when I get back. I've sent a few post cards and reached him on the phone. I hate long distance romancing. I can't wait to get back to LA. To Izzy. My presence would put a wedge between him and red. But here... I can't do shit!

I can't stop thinking about Axl riding up on his white horse and whisking Izzy off his feet again. With Axl you just never knew what mood might find him. One minute he loves Izzy. He says all the things Izzy needed. He gets tender and Izzy eats the shit up. Then the next minute Axl hates him. He calls him a junkie. He hits him. He fucks with his head. When is Izzy gonna wake up and realize that he and Axl are so done? Their time together has long passed. No one can stay in such a dysfunctional relationship. But these two...these two are bound by some commitment I can't really understand. It was loyalty. It was obligation. It was like a solemn promise, an unstated pact. And I have no clue what any of those feeling are because I don't have them.

I wanted him so bad. I'd made so much progress before I left. Now I'm scared it will all be reversed by the distance and weeks I've been here. When I get home I'll probably be back to square one. But fuck it, one thing I am is determined. He will be mine. Failure is not an option. For every push he gives me, I'll give him a pull. He can run all he wants, I can play tag. In the end he will see by my persistence that I truly do love him. In time he will see that. Fuck I just wanna be with him. I'm so fucking miserable here.

On the upside, I'm in the land of Poppy fields. It's been pretty easy to score here. Which is great because I didn't smuggle anything in. The shit here is so much better than at home. Les cut and stomped on. But then, this is it's origin. Well the origin of a lot of it. But there's days I can't score. Then dope sickness sets in. I tell people I have the flu. Not sure if they believe me or not. Nor do I give a flying fuck. This is my band. Everyone else is just an employee. None of this would be possible without me.

The tours between legs until after new years. We had three weeks off. Since I was scoring such great smack here in Japan I decided to stay a while. I told Izzy they added a couple dates to us in Japan. I don't get it, I wanted to see him, yet I decided to stay on the opposite side of the planet. I know I'm fucked up, but this sort of cements it in my mind. I could be winning the heart of the one I woo, but I chose heroin.

I celebrated my 29th birthday here. I was out on the streets in Japan with a translator when I saw this old guy sitting on the ground. I asked the translator about the guy and she told me he was a soothsayer. I had to ask what that was and she tells me it's a fortune teller and they're never wrong. So me being me, I rip out some cash and toss it to him. Then I thrust my palm out to him to read. His expression gets strange and I don't really know what to make of it. He says something and shoves my hand away. The translator says that he says I will die before I'm 30 if I don't change my ways. So...looks like I have less than a year to live now.

The funny thing is, I've been waiting for a long time to die. I had fantasized this glorious death scene in my head. It was such a romantic notion to leave this body and this realm behind. This life sucked, the next one had to be better. I'm quite unhappy. The only thing that even makes me smile anymore is Izzy. Sure I smile and pretend I'm happy, but it's just an act. It's more to fool everyone else at how bad off I am. I knew what they expected so I delivered it. Stand straight, look them in the eye, call dope sickness the flu, talk without mumbling, hide my track marks. But it's all just an act. But all the lines are starting to blur.

What if I actually stand a chance with Izzy? I'd be willing to stick around for that. But a part of me knows that this is just another fantasy that I've concocted. He's never going to love me like he does his fucking Fireball, but I don't think I can love him the way Axl does. I don't know how to do love really, it's all new to me. I'm willing to try and willing to learn. It's just that I want it to be Izzy who teaches me.

I didn't have a set amount of time to stay in Japan, I could stay straight through new years if I wanted. I guess I'm staying because of the dope. Maybe I'm fantasizing my death, hoping this drug finally claims me. It's tried about five times now. But my nine lives keep saving me. Why? What's my purpose? Why do I have to stay here? Is there some grand plan for me that I've yet to discover? Was it the chance of love that kept bringing me back? I really wished I knew what happens when you die. Do you go tons heaven or a hell? Is there a god? Is the beyond just too awesome to be tainted by the likes of me?

Or is my purpose here? With Izzy? Is he what keeps my heart beating? Do I stand a chance with him? Is he in LA reading my letters over and over? Is he smelling the roses? Is he lounging around in the kimono? Is he eating the chocolates? Is he playing the guitar? Is he just counting the hours until I return? I seriously doubt it, but I choose to believe he's just going crazy and dying for me. Yeah, that's what I choose to believe.