FicWad

Axl

This fucking condo with Erin has become nothing more than a stale prison cell to me. I can't leave it without people suddenly realizing who I am. They come up in my face brandishing writing utensils that might as well have been swords. I felt like I was under attack. I didn't like them crowding me or touching me. I know they're like fans or something, but right now, it's just too damn much for me to take. I just got off of a tour where I get pelted onstage. Now I'm suddenly, what, adored? I don't feel like being adored.

My world is unraveling at the seams. Alcohol and the false serenity of drugs has blinded and blanketed my band mates. I alone seem impervious to such trappings. The man I love is in some hotel room because I'm too chickenshit to chance anyone knowing just how much I fucking love him. Instead I shout out that I love Erin, my girlfriend. Halfway around the world my most recent rapist sends gifts and telegrams, postcards and phone calls to my one true love. What kind of coward have I become?

And all the while my love just sits all alone thinking I'm punishing him for something. I know I'm hurting Izzy, but I seem powerless to stop myself from doing it. I know that everything I'm doing is just pushing him farther and farther away from me. And I don't want to do it! Why can't I just stop myself? Why can't I tell Izzy that I need him? Why can't I tell the world? Why do I just allow him to ache? To sleep all alone without me? And when I do grant him the privilege of sharing my bed, why does it seem to always be in the presence of Erin. I care about Erin, but she can never mean to me what Izzy does. Did he really think she could mean more to me? No, not fucking ever.

Why is it so easy for the people like Duff and Slash? It all comes so natural and seems to require no thought. And I've never been able to love that easily, not even when Izzy and I were younger. But then, I'm the one who's been tainted since they were two. At least I know now that my methods of loving are... misconstrued. I know my kind of love isn't what others want, not even Izzy. All the things Duff and Slash told me keep dancing around in my head, treat him right, be there for him, stop pushing him away, kiss him when he's sad, try to make him smile, hold him up when he's drowning...and I know they're right. I do have someone who honestly loves me. Izzy left Slash for me. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't love me. I'm blessed and just never saw it before now. I also know that happy Izzy uses smack less. Maybe if I can make him happy enough he could get sober.

Then there was Nikki.... I know Izzy only fucked him to Save Slash from being raped for longer.A and I know Izzy feels horrible about not stopping Nikki sooner. I know Izzy didn't want to. Izzy could never want Nikki after everything he's done to us. But Nikki is acting like they're goddamn dating. And it's hard to look past that. Duff and Slash assure me I have nothing to worry about there, but I'm not so sure. Nikki's the kind of guy who would move mountains for what he wants. He's already trying to buy Izzy with gifts. What if he can give Izzy something that I can't?

I sigh and look down. I had to pull my head out of my ass and do sonething. As it stands, I'm losing Izzy. I'm losing him slowly each day. I've gotta make a move to change that. Otherwise, I will lose him forever. I don't want to lose him. I can't. I fucking won't. Nobody knows better than I do of how to make Izzy smile. Why the fuck wasn't I doing it? Why did I need to ask other people how to love my own man? I could be smothering him with kisses and gifts, but I'm just sitting here doing nothing.

And here it is, just days before Christmas and I can't even go out to buy Izzy a present. This is one of the first times that I've ever had money to get him anything, and here I sit, doing nothing. I don't even know what I could buy him that he can't get for himself. Still, it's the thought that counts, as they say. But isn't it obvious that my thoughts don't count for shit? And neither do Billy's, yet he's quick to share them with me whenever he can. And let me tell you, he has plenty to say about how I've been treating Izzy lately. But do I listen? No, I just keep fucking my life up worse.

"Don't let him go Axl," Billy sniffles in my head. But I just ignore him. I can't deal with his crying right now. I do my best to push him out of my head.

I can't stop thinking about the last conversation I had with Duff and Slash on the bus. I was actually genuinely curious about their ways of loving. I'm not saying I didn't want to punch Slash for talking about when he was with Izzy, I truly did, but I didn't. I actually listened like I wanted to learn. If I could do whatever Slash did for him then he'd have no reason to continue pining for Slash. I couldn't do shit about the size of my dick, but I could do something about the way I treated Izzy.

"Go to him," I hear Billy's voice echo in my head.

My head pounds and I can't quite remember when it was I last ate or slept. My eyes feel sticky from lack of blinking. My entire body aches like a Mack truck just came through my living room and plowed me over. For all I know one did. And right now I wish I were being stuffed in a pine box with roses draped across it. I just don't get it. A record deal was supposed to make everything better. Getting off tour was supposed to make everything better. Money was supposed to make everything better. Then why the fuck isn't anything better? Where's the fucking better?!

"You love him and he loves you," Billy informs me.

My mind starts to drift away, far far away, years ago. A bright blue sky with fillowy clouds that look like cotton balls. Yellow corn tassles blow slightly with the breeze. The air is warm and comfortable. I'm walking through the corn, pushing the green leaves aside, careful not to cut myself with them. Then Izzy comes into view, sitting on the ground rolling a joint. He looks up at me and his eyes soften as he smiles at me. Izzy's childhood smile was so bright and his teeth looked too big, but by the time he sixteen he had grown into them and I thought his smile was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. When he smiled his face just lit up.

"Billy, hey." He's not really surprised to see me, but quite glad I came. He used to always be so happy to see me. Now it's like he's always anticipating that we'll just fight.

"It's Axl now," I remind him.

He just smirks, "Axl, right, sorry, I keep forgetting." He motions to the ground next to him for me to sit. "So graduation is tomorrow night."

"Oh yeah, I forgot," I sigh, but I hadn't forgotten. I knew Izzy would be leaving day after tomorrow. I just can't go with him. Maybe I'm scared. But I hate it here and Izzy always hated it with me. Now he would leave me. He'd leave me here by myself and I'd have no one. If the Reverend hurt me Izzy wouldn't be there to take care of me. I never realized until that moment just how much I depended on Izzy.

"You sure you don't want to go with me?" Izzy asks as he passes me the joint. His hazel eyes plead with me to change my mind, despite how cool Izzy plays. I'm glad he asked me to go but his plan is so unthought. He didn't have a lot of cash. He had no clue where he would live. He didn't know how he would get by. He didn't even know if he could get in a band. But that's just how he is. He works well under pressure and tends to make last minute decisions. But with Izzy where there's a will, there's a way. I knew Izzy would do exactly what he set out to do. He would find a way. But I was just too scared of the unknown. But I so wanted to put my faith in God and trust in Izzy.

"Nah man, I can't go... I just..." I pause trying to find the words, I need you Izzy, I love you Izzy, please don't go, but none of it would come out.

Izzy smiles over at me, "It would be a lot of fun if you did, but I'm not trying to force you," he strokes my cheek, "Just come when you're ready. I'll be waiting for you. I'll always wait for you darlin."

And he did wait for me. I went to visit a few times and it was like we never missed a beat. Izzy's hair grew out so long and he started dying it black. His clothes always looked so cool. I just looked like an Indiana red neck. The third time I went out to visit I stayed. Izzy was living our dream and I felt left out. But Izzy helped me adapt, then we started a band, Rose. And Izzy patiently waited for me to come out of my shell. Izzy's always been so patient with me. Why can't I be with him? There's none as blind as one who won't see.

I stare out the window of my dungeon at all the happy little beautiful people hustling and bustling about. They smile and they laugh like this world is actually good to them. I must have fucked up in a major kind of way in another life. So much so that I'm damned to be punished for it forever. And anyone close to me will pay the same price. I don't want it to be this way, not for me and not for Izzy. Izzy might deserve it as much as me, but I have no right to ask him to just take it forever.

Izzy has severe 'I love you' hangups. As a kid he didn't get much, then I came along and gave him too much. Now he's always craving that. And I want so much to feed that addiction, but I just don't know how to anymore. Maybe I should give Izzy the freedom to find someone who can. Anyone except Slash or fucking Nikki goddamn Sixx. I honestly just wanted him to be happy and I don't think I make him very happy anymore. I don't think I have in a long time. It's gotten to the point that when I tell him I love him that it comes as a shock to him. How did I let things get so fucked up?

Then there's sex. Since Nikki I just have to be in charge. I have to feel like I have power. Ergo, I haven't been letting Izzy fuck me. I've instead been fucking him like his ass owes me money. And that's just not how things work with Izzy. Yeah we tend to fuck like monkeys in a circus sometimes, but it's a slow build up to it. Izzy's the romantic type that loves to kiss and touch and drive you crazy first. I guess parts of me were that way, but not since Nikki. And the ironic thing is that my most recent rapist is taking very calculated moves to be that person Izzy wanted so much for me to be. Why doesn't anything bad ever happen to that psycho?

My gaze falls down to the ring on my right hand. I suddenly remembered the first words Izzy said to me after we slid the rings on. It was after Duff found out about him and Slash and had kicked his ass. He was all busted up and kissed me really deeply. I told him not to hurt himself. And he said to me, "Fuck the pain, you're worth the pain." For some reason the memory is making me cry. I was worth the pain? Oh god I've been such a fucking fool. I have someone who would and has walked through hell to be with me. Izzy shot someone for me. He's done so much for me. He deserved more than this. He deserved someone who would tell him he was worth the pain too. Neither of us was better than the other and I need to stop pretending that one of us is. We're both collosal fuck ups. We've both cheated. We've both lied. We've both hit one another. We've both said words that cut like glass. We're both shitty people. But goddamnit, we are made for each other. We just fucking fit.

I had to do something to keep my life from spiraling out of control. Slash's words enter my mind, "you don't have to be me." And he was right, I needed to be me. I'm not Axl Rose, son of William, I'm not the rock star on TV. Nothing seems to give me purpose except Izzy. He was what kept me going. He was the reason my heart hasn't shriveled up to nothing. He's the thing that makes me feel whole. If I never do a goddamn thing in life, I can at least say that I loved someone wholly. And dear god I do. I had to do something before it was too late. The time was now and if I didn't address it I might lose Izzy forever. That would kill me faster than any drug could. I need the other half of me so I can be whole again. I need Izzy. I've gotta have Izzy.

I turn for the door and run. I run out into the street and people instantly start calling my name and coming in my direction. I don't have the Patience to deal with them so I just run. I run as fast as my feet and smokers lungs will carry me. I run until I feel like I might puke, but I can see Franklin Plaza come into view and it gives me the second wind I need to make it. I run into the building as more people start calling out my name. I fly against the back wall of the elevator panting and unable to catch my breath. The elevator starts to climb up. I fly out on Izzy's floor into a thong of people. They all greet me like we're old friends. I try to stop panting as I push my way through them. I raise my fist and knock at Izzy's door. He opens it with a cigarette in his mouth. He looks surprised to see me.

"Axe, what are you doing here? You look like you just ran a marathon." His gaze is both curious, concerned, and a little smacked out.

I swallow, "Can I come in?" I can barely get the words out for my labored breathing.

He just shrugs, "Yeah, sure, be my guest," and disappears back into his room. I go in and shut the door behind me. My eyes quickly notice the needles by the bed, but I bite my tongue. I didn't come here to bitch. Izzy leans against the dresser and just looks at me. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

I approach him and take the cigarette out of his lips. I put it out in the ashtray right beside him. His dark eyes just watch my every move and he seems to tense up with me this close. "I've been a fool Izzy. I've been pushing you away thinking it was what needed to be done. I've gone around and around in my head trying to justify my actions and... I just cant. I shouldn't have ever tried to control your habit. I should have filled the gaps you were trying to fill with it. I should be loving you through it because...if you're happy then there's less reason for you to use it." Then my hand goes under his hair and gently touches his neck. "Please forgive me for being so blind." I tilt my head and lean up to him. I press my lips slowly to his. I kiss him with a timidness just so I don't start trying to take charge. I avoid looking in the mirror behind his back because I know Billy will be there. If I see him now it'll just ruin everything.

Izzy moans into my mouth and I feel his warm hands gently touch my chilly red cheeks. His fingers start to run through my hair, tangling himself in them so that I can't escape. And I pull him to me as much as I can. I can smell his unique scent. His lips warm me like a heroin rush. Our youngest swirlntogether so effortlessly. My heart races. And I remember that this is passion. This. I already know that I'll never meet another Jeff Isbell. I'll never find anyone else who means as much as Izzy does. I could never erase him or pretend he didn't exist. It didn't matter how much he'd hurt me or cheated on me. It doesn't matter how much smack he does. He owns my fucking soul. And there's nobody else that can. I'll never let anyone else.

When I retract my lips Izzy is looking at me confused. Yeah, I imagine so. But I know i need to say the words Izzy needs to hear. And I mean it. I smile and glance down at his chest. "I was thinking about the day we put on our rings. I... I realized that I need you. Aside from being my partner you're my best friend. I miss you. I miss my best friend. I miss us. I wish it could be like it was when we were 18, but it just can't be. It's time for us to pick up some pieces and start to rebuild. I need you Izzy. I'm sorry for all the shit I've been doing to make you feel bad. I'm sorry I haven't held you or allowed you to hold me. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for all the times I've called you a junkie. I'm sorry that during sex I've... I just.... I love you Izzy."

A tear rolls down his cheek and he still seems shocked. He sighs and slightly shakes his head. "Darlin don't tell me all this just because you know it's what I want to hear. Don't say it and an hour from now throw shit at me and call me a piece of shit junkie. I can't take you toying around with my heart like that anymore. It hurts too much."

"I swear to god Izzy, I won't. Im not. I love you and it's time I really showed you that. I'm starting right now." And I kiss him again. That kind of kiss that just sucks the air out of the other person, only to be revived by your breathing out. Two sets of lungs with one shared breath. Izzy doesn't say I love you back but I don't need him to. I never have, I just always knew he did. And he still does, thank god. I was afraid I'd be too late. But I'm not, there's still a chance that I can fix everything.

After a few minutes standing in front of the dresser Izzy is carefully walking me backwards to the bed. His lips never part with mine. His hands grip at me with a need. Nothing has turned me on like this in a long time. Maybe I've just been too preoccupied or stupid to know it. But now I know, no matter what, I will always want and need him. This feeling right here is what I would kill for. And at that second it hits me of how lucky I actually am. Some people search a lifetime and never find what Izzy and I share. Sure others are all cute and cuddly, sure they've been through their share of pain, but they don't have this. We may be dysfunctional. We might scream and yell and throw shit at each other. We might hit one another out of anger. We may have cheated. But we've loved each other. We wouldn't fight if we didn't love each other so much. Izzy is my first love. My only real love. He's my lover and my best friend. There was none before him. Izzy is all I know about love in this world and I know that's how it is for him too. Beyond each other it's a cold lonely world. Without each other all the fame and money in the world is pointless. Without each other we are nothing.

When the back of my legs hit the bed I slowly start to climb back on it, careful not to surrender Izzy's lips. He follows my lead and starts climbing over me, careful not to break contact with my lips as well. When I'm fully on the bed Izzy rolls us so that I'm on top of him. My fingers start trying to unbutton his shirt while my lips burn against his. I finally sit up and watch as I push it open. I look down at his silky smooth chest, not scarred by a psychopath. I smile down and take in the sight of my beautiful dark angel as if it were the first time. I pay attention to the curves of his muscles.. He was a man now and I regret not having pay closer attention to the transformation. I've wasted so much time complaining.. So much time wishing for something that I can never obtain. I'm done wasting so much time over things that can't be changed. It stops right now.

Our eyes catch one another's. And it's all right there... everything I want, dream of, need, and know. Its all right there burning in his eyes. They were the lighthouse bringing my ship to shore. Izzy's fingertips glide down my cheek "Where have you been Fireball?" His words, despite their whisper cried out how amazed and in awe he was. He seemed mesmerized by every last feature of my face. I know that I've made him happy for a change and that feels really fucking good. I pull my shirt over my head. Izzy's eyes go straight to the scar on my chest. His fingers lightly trace the letters. He gets lost in it and lost in thoughts I can't read. So to break those thoughts I lean back over to kiss him softly. I can feel tears from his eyes hitting my thumbs. But they aren't tears of pain or sadness. This is complete joy. Truth of the matter is, I have no clue where I've been, but I'm here now and I'm not leaving again without him. I can't live without him anymore. I'm done trying to.

"I'm nothing without you," I whisper softly feeling the heat of his breath over my own lips. Izzy responds by wrapping his arms around me, squeezing me so tightly, like I might slip right out of his arms if he didnt. Then I can hear him sobbing loudly into my neck. His back heaves in and out with each sob. His arms hold me with such need. And now I'm crying too. I just let go. Finally. Our souls belong to one another. Its been a long time since we did this. We'd lost so much time. Too much. But through it all, here we still were. It wasn't too late for us. It just couldn't be. I refuse to accept that. We'd find a way. We always find a way. Every road I take will always bring me back to Izzy. Always.

I feel Izzy's fingers gently run down my spine. The tingles it delivers has never made me feel more alive. My hands fumble with Izzy's belt buckle. I can feel his hands, in turn, start to unbutton my jeans. But our desperate, needy kissing just couldn't be stopped yet. I needed it. My Izzy needs it. He starts shoving my pants down off my ass. I unstraddle him and flop down on my back next to him shoving at them, then I remember my damn boots are still on. I pull them off quickly hurling them in unforseen directions. Finally I free myself of all clothes. Izzy just smiles and leans over me again for yet another kiss. I start shoving his pants off as well. A moment later we're both free of clothes and clinging to one another's bare flesh. And nothing else seems to matter. There was just out bodies and the heat between them.

I look up at Izzy who looks down at me, gently stroking my hair out of my eyes. "I haven't given myself to you in a long time...and I want to," I nod.

Izzy blinks, "Are you sure?"

"Positive," I nod.

Izzy doesn't say a word, he doesn't need to. I can see more tears building up in his eyes and they tell me everything that I need to know. They tell me that I've been a selfish douche bag. They show me all of his life and pain. I almost lost him and I'm not proud of myself at all. My world would be meaningless without him. I can't imagine living life without Izzy. From now on, I'm not gonna try to. I'm done trying to just barely hang on. I'm ready to finally live. And I need Izzy. He is my world. He is my life.

Izzy's head dips down between my legs. I feel his tongue flicker across my opening and I draw in a breath. It's been so long that it's not even used to the sensation anymore. My hands go into Izzy's hair and my eyes shut just taking it in, getting lost. Izzy's the only person that I can just get lost with. Because I know I'm safe with Izzy. I pray to God I'm never found. Then I feel Izzy slide his index finger in. His other hand positions my dick to go in his mouth. Jesus Christ I love the way Izzy gives head. His lips slide down my shaft all the way to my balls. Then I feel a second finger slide in next to the other. I arch my back pushing against his fingers, taking them as far as I can. Then izzy slowly starts moving them in and out and in circles all over and around my prostate. There's not another living soul that has this kind of power over me. I don't see how anyone ever could.

And just when I think I can hold off Izzy glides in a third finger and swallows my dick whole again. Without the least amount of warning I start to cum hard in his throat. Normally that's not something Izzy does, but I'm sure glad as fuck he did. A groan escapes me. Izzy just takes it all and milks me dry. When his lips come up off my dick he just stares at me and licks them. I really don't know what he's thinking about. Normally I always knew what went through his head. I take his swollen lips prisoner and shove my tongue in his mouth. Yeah, I taste myself, but fuck it. I needed to kiss him.

Izzy slowly glides between my legs. His lips deliver feather soft kisses all along my shoulder. "You still want me?" He timidly asks. I know he thinks that I'll chicken out because I'm not over Nikki. But right now all that is gone. Nikki didn't physically hurt my ass, just my chest with his name on it.

"Always," I nod and glide my hands down his back.

Our lips find one another again and I can feel Izzy lining up. He looks at me again, as if he's waiting for me to change my mind. I give him a nod in confirmation then start to feel the pressure. I groan into his mouth, slightly discomforted. Izzy just remains very still and kisses me until I start to relax. Hecalways knows exactly what to do without being told. When he feels that I have relaxed he slowly moves his hips and slides himself all the way in me. I've forgotten what he felt like, forgot the grace of his movements, forgot the size of his cock, forgot so much that it feels like the first time with him all over again.

A moan emanates from Izzy's throat as he begins slowly grinding his hips into me. I can hear his breath hitch next as his hands grip my face. He kisses me in that perfectly special way that only Izzy can. I've been with plenty of other people, male and female... none of them could come close to Izzy. Our love has been the most bipolar thing in the world, but I'd never give anyone else enough of my self to even matter. I don't care how much he wrecks me. I don't care about Nikki. I don't care about Tommy. I don't care about Slash. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that Izzy will never love anyone else as much as he loves me. We are each other's disease and cure. And I don't want it any other way.

"Oh god darlin," he moans in my ear and thrusts his hips again, "I've missed this so fucking much."

"I'm so sorry Angel."

Izzy silences my worries with another perfect kiss as his body moves with a grace completely unique to he alone. It was like the most sexy and intimate dance imaginable. Izzy never got on dance floors, but he always turned the bedroom into one. Some people are just born being great at sex and it comes so effortlessly. That was Izzy. The rest of us have to work like hell at it. But right now, for Izzy, I'm really fucking trying. There was so much I wanted to say to him, I hope he can hear my thoughts in my kisses because the words just won't come out. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

For hours it's a slow continuous build up. Lips, hands, hips and I feel like I can't get him close enough to me. Somehow twelve years has culminated to this one perfect moment of bliss. All the cruel words back and forth, all the punches thrown in anger, all the other lovers...it just all falls by the wayside with zero relevance. It honestly didn't matter. I don't care anymore. It's over now. It's behind us. It's a new day and this is a new love for us to indulge in. I will never take him or his love for granted again. I'm done hurting. Im done sleeping without him. I'm done trying to live without him. Never again. I'm ready to rejoice in the fact that we'd made it. We made it all the way from Indiana cornfields to the California sunshine. We had crawled from a gutter to a stage. It's time to revel in that fact. This was our dream. We fucking did it. Now it's time to start enjoying it.

Izzy's hands take mine. Our fingers wind together. Izzy squeezes them tightly as his hips continue the same torturous grind he's been going at for hours. I can feel his entire body quiver every time he thrusts inside me. He's just on the edge of cumming but I know he won't. With Izzy the build up has always been more rewarding than the payoff. He can go like this all night long and then some. His breath shudders in my neck and I can feel my second orgasm trying to mount.

Izzy's tongue dips into my mouth as his hands release mine. I feel them working under me. With one burst of energy he flips us over without ever skipping one thrust. He grabs my hips and grinds upward. I can feel the sensation building up like a sneeze ready to explode. I can hear his broken breathing turn into short quick pants. I start to move with him. My own dick is purple and throbbing. I feel Izzy's hand gently go around it and squeeze. Mmmm, he always knows just what to do.

"Fuck yeah," I moan and throw my head back.

"Is that what my Fireball wants?" He says softly and his eyes look at me so awestruck. Like I'm his entire universe. I miss feeling like I matter so much.

Fuck yeah that's what I wanted. Izzy always knew exactly what I needed from him. He was the only person who possessed the ability to keep my dual personalities appeased. A skill learned from twelve years of practice. From caring enough to learn. I can't believe I was willing to throw this all away with both hands. Now it seems as if I don't have enough metaphorical hands to pull him close enough. I'm so grateful that I'm not looking at our love in hindsight. For once I'm on the same page as Izzy. Id be happy to stay here with him in this moment forever. Loving him is so effortless, yet I spent so much time pretending that it was too hard. It's not hard at all. I just had to learn how to let go of things I can't change.

Then Izzy starts to move a little faster as he pumps my dick. I squint my eyes shut and bite down hard on my bottom lip. "Cum for me darlin," Izzy whispers stroking me yet even faster.

Then, as if he commanded my dick to do so a throb starts deep in my core. I stop breathing as I feel myself start to explode. My body stiffens and I couldn't open my eyes if I wanted to. My toes curl as the throbbing explosion in my cock goes on and on. I don't recall ever cumming so fucking hard. And it just won't stop. And Izzy never stops stroking me or grinding up into me, not until he knows I'm completely spent. "Fuck!" I manage to get out. Slowly it starts to fade away. Finally im able to open my eyes. I look down at my dark angel looking up at me intently, waiting for confirmation from me that it's ok for him to move.

Izzy has sprays of cum all over his chest and stomach but seems oblivious to it. He quickly sits up, pushing me backwards. I collapse onto my back with a thud. Izzy crawls on top of me and gives me a tonsil examination with his tongue as his dick slides back inside me. He starts moving in short fast bursts. I guess he's decided that hes had enough torture for one night. With one last deep thrust I feel him start to pulse in my ass. He moans out and his body grows rigid. Then all that's left is our quick breaths and a layer of cum between us.

We untangle from that just long enough to wipe the cum off. I quickly nestled back down to arms wide open for me. I listen to Izzy's breathing slow and his heart return to a normal rhythm. "I love you so much Fireball," he says dreamily as his fingers lightly stroke my arm.

I look up at him, "I'm not mad about Nikki. I know why you did it... both times, you know...we were broke up at that party. The second time I know you did it to save the Kid, it sounds like it was really horrible, what they did to him. I can't hold that against you. I can't blame you for him coming after us. I mean I completely understand that he fell hard and fast for you, who don't? So I'm sorry for anything I've said. It's just...the thought of losing you makes me crazy, and I almost lost you. I was just letting you slip through my fingers. There is no life without you. I'm better when I'm with you. I don't ever want to be without you again. And I almost fucked it all up. But all that is over. I fucking love you Izzy. Live with me."

"What?" He asks looking at me like I might be running a fever.

"Pack your shit, check out of this shit hole and move in with me. I'm done being without you. Please." And I give him a look that reflects my honesty and sincerity. I meant every word.

"Really? You mean that?" He skeptically asks me.

"Yeah," I nod.

"You and Erin....? You're sure?"

"Yes. I need you to be part of my life all the time. Please move in with me," I whisper as my fingers lightly run up his thigh.

He nods with a shy smile, "Of course darlin. Of course, there's nowhere I'd rather be. That's where I've wanted to be all along. But what about Erin?"

"What about her?" I shrug.

"How's she going to feel about me moving in with the two of you?"

I glance at him, "How do you feel about her? Me aside, do you care about her? I do. I certainly don't love her, but I care what happens to her."

"I guess..." Izzy pauses and sighs, "I guess I like the fact that she's in love with us. I like that she knows about us. I mean we both still want pussy from time to time...what's better than in-house pussy, right?"

"So...like with Desi?" I softly ask and can feel Izzy slightly tense when I mention her name.

"Yeah... something like that...but minus the smack."

I pout a little, "What a shame, I was hoping we could get high together later."

Izzy just looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not so sure if that's a good idea Fireball."

"Trust me, it's one of the better ones I've had all day."

Izzy sighs, "I guess I'm in no position to argue about that with you. We'll worry about that later, right now I just want to enjoy having you in my arms. I'm not thinking about dope...all I can think about is you."

I run my fingertip across his lips, "I love you more than every grain of sand and every gallon of water in the oceans. I promise you... I promise I'll never leave you. No matter what, you'll always have my heart. Im never going to call you a junkie again. I'll stop pushing you away. I'll hold your hand and kiss you every chance I get. I'm gonna finally show you what you mean to me."

"Darlin...I don't know what's gotten into you all of the sudden, but I'm into it. I love you Fireball. All I've ever wanted is to feel you love me beyond sex. I know opening up is hard for you, it always has been. But I think I've proven to you that I'm not out to hurt you. All I wanted was you to show me sometime. You used to touch me every chance you got. And when you looked at me I could see it in your eyes. I've really missed that. And yeah, a lot of my using is because I've felt rejected by you for so long. We've been hanging on by a thread for years. We've both done so much hurtful shit to one another," he draws in a breath and wipes a few tears from his eyes, "I'm so sorry about the whole Slash thing... I know I fucked up. I was being selfish. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing to Duff...or Slash. There was no way in hell that I could love him as much as Duff did. I'm broken Axe, broken deep inside and you're the only one who can even get it. I will never bare my soul to anyone but you. We fit, you and me, and that's just the way it is."

"I know, and I wouldn't have it any other way. No body can ever take your place."

"You've always had my heart darlin," he says taking my hand and kissing it.

I nod, "And you'll always have mine. I meant every word I said when we put these rings on one another. I do love you for better or worse. I know this is the worst so it can only get better sugar. I'm gonna make it all better, I fucking promise."

His dreamy eyes scan my face, "You've always kept your promises... I'll try to start keeping mine. I'll always be there to hold you baby. I'm gonna be better. And I won't lie to you anymore about how much smack I'm using. No more looking at Slash. No more phone calls and gifts from Nikki... I promise."

I raise an eyebrow, "Swear it on my life."

"I swear it on your life. It's just you and me from here on out.... with the exception of some pussy from Erin every now and again... but just Erin, no more groupies or junkies." He kisses my forehead, "Let's go home Fireball." And I loved the way that sounded. Home. Home with my Izzy. Santa certainly granted me my only Christmas wish. I'm gonna do my best to not fuck it all up.