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Nikki

I just waste away in my house, festering, rotting, dope sick, and generally going insane. The only people that I saw on Christmas Day was some chick who lives here with me. She's from the Electra office and was basically just keeping an eye on me for the record company. I got some phone calls from drug dealers, but I don't think I can call them back. I shot up after I stormed out of the hospital a few days ago, but that was the last time. I guess something finally got through my thick head. Imagine that.

I won't say I'm sober because I'm not, but I have been free of heroin a little over twenty four hours. Withdrawal is kicking my ass and nothing elevates that but one thing, but.... I don't even want any smack. That drug was killing me in the slowest way. I don't think that I'm ready to actually cash out yet. Depression had convinced me that I was, but truth is, I'm not. There's still shit I wanna do. I think I've been scared straight. I can't stop thinking about my out of body experience. I know that when you die you in fact carry on. You still think like you and feel like you though. So I started asking my self, who was the man I would continue being? I don't want to be the junkie, the rapist, the pig, the bastard.

And I realized that I'm all of those things because I'm dead set on making myself miserable. I'm truly my own worst enemy. I've really fucking screwed up. I've hurt people, so so many people. If I don't get redemption in this life then I won't get it in the next. I believe I gotta reevaluate my whole life. I needed to fix it. I needed to make amends. I needed to seek forgiveness. I needed to believe in something and a cause that was more than Nikki Sixx. There are no individuals, we all live together. None of us are whole, it's others who help us become whole. I always thought I was one step ahead of the game, but I'm not, Im a step behind. This life style isn't working out for me anymore.

I sit in the middle of my empty bed and draw my knees up to my chest. I wrap my arms around them and bury my face in them. Out of nowhere sobs just start pouring out of me. I can't control them and I don't even know what they're fucking for. I just feel overwhelmed with every bad feeling you can imagine, and it's just weighing down on me. But I don't feel sorry for myself because I fucking deserve it. I have no one to blame for the way I feel except me. I'm here because of me. I know a hit would make these feelings disappear, but maybe it's better to feel them. Maybe it's time to grow the fuck up.

I hear my doorbell ring. I don't even get up to answer the door. I know Karen will and get rid of whoever it may be. More than likely it's just a fucking dealer. But I wipe my nose and my eyes anyway, as if I intend on going to the door. But I don't get up. I just can't, I'm too miserable. I don't unfold my body. I just sit there, rocking, rocking, rocking back and forth looking for a comfort I knew I wouldn't find. I threw away every chance I had at comfort. I threw away everything that could make me smile. I deserve this. Karmas a bitch and I've been the biggest bitch of all. I've been cruel. I've been evil. I'm no damn good. Now it's time I got mine for all the anguish I've caused others. I've gotta get right with God, or whoever. I have to beg for a lot of people's forgiveness.

I look up as a figure opens my bedroom door. My eyes slowly raise dreading whoever came to see me like this. But I know that silhouetted figure anywhere. I see black hair under a hat and the dull gross of leather pants. I see him standing there silently, but a part of me just thinks I'm dreaming. Why would he be here now? Why would he come here at all? I should be the last person he concerned himself with. Did he come just to stand me up again? Just stick it to me one last time? Is he really here? Am I awake?

I hear him sigh and look down as he steps inside of my room and closes the door. I can see it's a struggle for him to say anything at all. I mean, what the fuck can he really say a time like this? "I thought... they told me you were...you were dead," he says in his softest voice. And I'm wondering why he cared enough to show up here? I doubt he would have missed me. I'm sure he's disappointed that I didn't die. He has more reason to hate me than anyone. Maybe he came to kill me.

"Disappointed Izzy?" I huff and fight off the tears trying to come to my eyes. Why would he be glad I was still alive? I wouldn't be if I were in his shoes. If I were him I would pull out that Beretta and shove it in my mouth and pull the trigger.

Izzy just looks down at the carpet shaking his head no. No? He's not disappointed that I'm still breathing? I so believe that.

Yeah right, I think to myself, then ask, "Why did you come here?" I almost whisper.

"I just... I wanted to make sure you were ok. I heard that you died...then I found out you were still alive... I just...Are you ok?" He sounds genuine but I don't let myself get all twitterpated. I know he doesn't fucking love me. Im nothing to him. I was just the jackass who was blackmailing him into fucking me. I crawled into his head and played on all his insecurities. I gave him no choice but to feel like he had to fuck me. I know he doesn't care about me. It's been three days. He could have called but he hadn't. I know I'm second best. Hell, I'm not even second best. I'm just a master manipulator.

"I take it things with you and Axl mended itself?" I ask getting out of the bed and turning my back on him and I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes and wanting so badly to spill over. I ached more than words can't describe. I actually thought Izzy and I were building something. I guess it's really been nothing more than a means to an end. Just one of my own delusional, illogical, illusions. I turn to him rolling my eyes. It hurts like hell to look at him. I just am a glutton for salt on my wounds.

Izzy just slightly nods yes, his eyes still trained on the floor. "I feel bad about not leaving a message for you at the front desk. I should have, I just...Axl showed up and I just..."

"Forgot?" I ask and reach for a cigarette. No words can explain how hurt I am. How do you deal with someone not loving you? But let's be honest, I didn't exactly earn his love and devotion. I was a psychotic stalker, rapist, and mental demon. I don't deserve his love or anyone's for that fact.

"Was it my fault?" Izzy asks almost sounding as if he's choked up. He won't look at me and just leans back into the closed door. Wow. Of all the mixed emotions that he could be feeling right now and he chooses guilt?

"What? You mean did I go there to see you, find out you were gone and feel bad and get a little too trashed?" I ask him. And that was the honest to God's answer to what really happened that night. He stood me up. He broke something inside of me and I only knew one way to deal with it. I medicated it. Obviously too well.

"Yeah," he whispers.

And right now I could throw that guilt on him like a saddle and ride the hell out of it. Normally that's exactly what I would do. But for some reason I simply don't understand.... I lie. "It's not your fault Izzy. I was fucked up before I ever got there. Yeah I was there looking for you, but I ran into a friend and got higher, too high apparently. Hadn't even gotten around to knocking on your door." Don't even ask me why I'm saying this. I honestly don't completely know why. I just know I don't want Izzy blaming himself for this. In the end I made my own stupid choices and did it to myself. Izzy didn't need to blame himself or hold any guilty feelings about me. I'm the one who should be carrying guilt. Guilt for what I had done to him and everyone he cares about. He doesn't deserve any guilt, blame, or pain over the things that I put him through.

"Stevie said when you knocked on his door all you managed to say was my name." He wills his eyes up to meet mine but now it's me who looks away.

"I...I don't remember that," I shrug to my lie. I remembered everything. Izzy was all I wanted that night. I came there thinking that he was actually happily waiting for me. I really thought I stood a chance with him. God what a fool I've been.

"Listen Nikki....all the gifts you sent..."

"It's ok Izzy," I cut him off, "just regift them to someone else. I won't send anything else. I know you don't need Red coming down on you. I should have thought before I sent them." I manage to glance at him for a split second and see the intent way in which he looked at me with scrunched up brows. "Can I ask you something?" I ask. He nods yes. "Are you happy? Is he trying to make you happy?" Axl had put Izzy through just as much pain as I had. But I doubt his pain hurt Izzy as much as mine had. Izzy truly loved Axl and there would never be any room in his heart for anyone else.

Izzy just nods yes.

I quickly wipe my eyes before the accumulated tears start falling. I Force a smile to my face and nod. "I'm glad." And I really was glad. Axl's love is all Izzy's ever wanted.

"Your glad?" Izzy questions.

"Yeah," I nod and try to play off a sniffle. "Izzy...when you love someone you just want them to be happy. And I do love you Izzy. So so much. I know I'm not the one who makes you happy. Thats Axl and it always will be. You share a single soul .Maybe I could have in another life, but in this one... I caused you far too much tragedy. I was fucking delusional to think I could actually make you love me after making you hate me." Right now Izzy's speechless. "I owe you more apologies than I have time left for in this life to say. I'm sorry for all of it Izzy. I... I was just a fool. But then, Ive always been one of those. I'm honestly sorry and I want to do my best to try to have your forgiveness."

"N... Nikki...." he stammers.

"I know that's asking for too much but I have to try. The best place to start is by letting you go. I won't come after you or anyone else ever again. I blackmailed you, I tricked you, I toyed with your head and manipulated your emotions and I'm fucking sorry. I've never been in love before and I guess I handled it pretty bad."

"You're serious?" He questions in almost disbelief.

"Yeah, I am. I know you don't believe me. Why should you? But I promise Izzy, you won't have any further problems from me."

"What....why are you doing this?" He asks softly.

I shrug, "It's just the right thing to do and it's way overdue. If you're happy then I'm happy. And I know how much you really love Axl. I really hope Axl can finally tell you how much he loves you and that he thinks you're the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to him. Because you are. Youre amazing Izzy, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know he loves you, it's just hard for him to express it. You'd both benefit immensely from reducing your expectations of each other. Nothing in this life is perfect. But in this imperfect world... the two of you fit. You make each other whole. I hope you two can learn how to feel again without having to cause each other pain. No one is ever going to try to force you into unwanted sex ever again. No more rapes... I promise, not from me, Tommy, no fucking body."

"I don't get why you're doing this all of the sudden. Did something happen?" He asks me and I note the suspicion in his voice.

I nod, "Yeah...a moment of clarity. I'll never be what anyone needs. Most of all you. Your heart is with Axl. Not me. If you love him you gotta walk out of here and never look back. You're under no obligation to me anymore. You'll never have to fuck me again. Not that you ever really wanted to anyway. And a word of advice, you need to stop fucking around and looking for something better. Axl's it for you. Try loving him Izzy. It's what you really want. You would do anything for him, nothing is too big or too small. And he doesn't even need to ask. You would move the heavens for him Izzy. You would die for him. He's everything you're not and you're everything he's not. Together you're whole. Can't you see that? It will never get any better for you than him. You've got this idea in your head that you can just hit rewind and go back in time, the way it was before LA. You can't ever go back to that again. You're both changed. Get to know him now. You have no clue how lucky you can be. You have the power to fall in love with the love of your life twice. Don't be a fool Izzy. You should probably get going before you worry Axl. You guys just made up and you don't need me fucking it all up again. "

Izzy nods and looks at me, "Thank you Nikki. I just hope you aren't filling my head with shit you know I wanna hear."

I damn sure didn't deserve a thank-you. "I know it's time to let you go. So go. I'm sorry for any pain I've caused for you. I sorry for trying to make you feel obligated to me. I really thought I could make you love me. I know I can't. I'm so sorry izzy. I promise this is the last you'll ever have to see of me. You can stop worrying that I might show up some dark night... it's over Izzy. But I did want to ask if the others, well are they ok?

"Are you serious?" Izzy asks dumbfoundedly. "No they're not ok! Axl flips out if your name is even brought up and it's not like he can forget because you carved your fucking name in his chest! You really fucked Slash up good too! He didn't talk for days after what you two did! He still has horrible nightmares about you and Tommy every night according to Duff and then to top everything off you die right in front of him and he has to try and revive you but he couldn't so he's been carrying around that guilt too! You really fucked his head up good! Axl's too! Are you proud of yourself?!

I'm sorry, dI'm done hurting people I care about. So... just go. Thanks for some really great sex." I just hold my hand up silently saying goodbye to him. Goodbye forever. Izzy turns around and opens the door. He walks out. He leaves me here alone.

I cover my face and cry harder than I've ever cried in my life. I know I did the right thing but it fucking hurts. I honestly love him but he will never feel the same. He belongs to Axl, always has. And I... I belong alone. But I don't feel guilt now. I gave Izzy exactly what he wanted and needed. He would be ok. And maybe one day he can find it in himself to forgive me.