FicWad

Nikki

I sit all alone on my bedroom floor just staring blankly at a scratch on the wall across from me. I don't know what is so goddamn fascinating about it, but I've been zoning on it for hours now. I don't even remember what made it. And it doesn't matter. I haven't blinked now for a while. My eyes feel wide. I'm over the initial first stages of withdrawal, but the sickness isn't really the biggest battle. It's those dead spots of time in which there's nothing to do. It's those blank spots that you used to use prepping a fix or nodding out. I still want it so much. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to manage my free time in any other way than being high.

Then there's the emotional rollercoaster I seem to be stuck on. I've forgotten about how it feels to be human again. So many fucking feelings of depression and longing and regret. I want a hit to make it all go away and this internal struggle between good and bad is driving me insane. But somehow I have the clarity to keep fighting myself. But for how long can I keep it up? Is there even a reason to keep doing it? I have no family. Half of my band hates me. My only friends are drug dealers. I have no one but me.

When I was younger I never needed anyone but myself. I wanted fame and nothing was going to stop me. It never occurred to me that one day I would want someone to share it all with. I never thought about my own family, a wife, children... I never thought about any of that. But it all occurs to me now. And I don't know what to do with the thoughts or the feelings of that. Who in their right mind would want to be with me? I'm cold. I'm mean. I'm evil. And I know I can never be someone decent. I threw away every moral I had. I know nothing but cruelty and domination.

I'm pulled away from my self loathing by the bleak and morbid sound of my doorbell. For the first time since I don't know when, I blink. I drag myself up off my floor and feel the stiffness in my joints. I slightly stagger and it remains me that I'm drunk. Using my wall for balance I walk down the hall to my front door. I unlock it and crack it open. I see Duff and he sees me and shoves my door hard sending me staggering backwards.

"Why the fuck did you have to show up at our fucking place?! You could have mailed me those goddamn pictures! Do you have a clue how seeing you hurt Slash?!" He screams at me. Then he shoves me. I stagger back a few more feet. All I can do is just look down. It's like I have no fight left in me. "Do you fucking hear me talking to you?!" He asks and shoves me again.

"I meant no harm," I vaguely whisper as if it's that I've forgotten what it's like to talk.

"You meant no harm?! Well I find that a little hard to swallow! All you know how to do is rain down hell!!" He screams in my face and holds me tight by my shirt. I can hear the seams cracking, thread by thread.

"No...That's not what I was trying to do... I just wanted to help you break free from Mandy... I... I just wanted to deliver the pictures...Really, that's all." And I sounded almost strange to myself saying it. It's just not like me to be...Meek. I could fight back, but I guess I deserve it and a whole lot more. "I don't want to fight you Duff."

"Afraid of getting your ass kicked you FUCK?!?!" He shakes me.

"No, I just don't want to fight with you. I'm sorry if seeing me freaked Slash out. It wasn't my intention. I guess I didn't think about how that would affect him after..."

"After you fucking raped him?! After you ripped out all his innocence?! After you fucked him with a bottle?! After making me watch?! Fucking fuck you Nikki!! Why the fuck didn't you just stay dead?! Do you know the relief we felt when we thought that you were dead?!Why the fuck did you live?!" And his eyes are big, blade, and cold. I can see how badly he wants me dead.

"I've been sitting here in this dungeon trying to figure that out myself. I wish I did die. Then I wouldn't have to do this shit. I fucked up Duff. I know I went way to far. I wish I never touched Slash. He was the only one who really looked up to me. He was my friend before all of this. Now he hates me and he has every right to. And what I did to Axl... I fucking wish Izzy never came to my bed. I wish I didn't love him. I wish I never met him. I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm trying to make it right...But I know I never will. I just wanted to help you. I wanted to give you the pictures so you could be free. I thought it would make you both happy."

Duff's grip loosens a bit. "And you thought that could just erase everything you did? You can never take back what you did. You will always haunt Slash's dreams. Did you know that after you and Tommy...He didn't talk for three fucking days? He could only roll himself up in a ball. He didn't eat; and he woke up screaming because you infiltrate his fucking dreams. And when you showed up at our apartment it was just a visual reminder of a tragedy that he will never forget. And I can't forget it either. You're fucking evil Nikki. You're like a fucking tornado that just destroys everything in its path. And all your worries and acts of kindness can't erase anything you've done. Just stay the fuck away from us. It's hard enough to try to pick up the pieces as it is. Seeing you ruins all the progress we've made. You think a fucking hat and a jacket makes things better? All that shit does is remind him of what you did. Just...Stay away." He let's me go and takes a step back. I straighten my shirt and my eyes fall to the floor.

"I don't know how else to say that I'm sorry for everything. I'm fucking sorry. I regret all of it. It's been a few days since I had a fix and it's allowed me to see things more clearly. I know how much I hurt all of you. I was so so wrong. And you'll never know how it feels for me to live with what I've done. I have nightmares too Duff. I wake up scared and alone and..." I fight the tears that want to splash down my cheeks. I'm hurting too and I know I deserve it.

"If you're fishing for forgiveness you're wasting your time. There's no forgiving what you've done," he stands looking at me and shaking his head. He looks at me like I'm the lowest and most horrible thing on the planet. And maybe I am. I can't think of anyone who has done the things I've done. I should have died. At least then they could have some closure. I know that as long as I live they will never have that. I really wanted them to be able to get past the things that I have done to them.

"No Duff... I don't expect forgiveness. I know that the things I did are unforgivable. I just want to make some of the things I did right. It's the right thing to do. And yes, I know the right thing to do was to never do any of it in the first place...But I did. And I can't take it back. No matter how hard I try...No matter how benevolent I can be... I can't erase any of it. Do you have any idea how it feels to know everyone wished I would have died? I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about all the horrible things I did. I carry more regret than you could possibly imagine. It's strapped to my back and I'll carry this weight forever."

"Do you expect me to feel sorry for you? I can't. I won't. I hope what you fucking did keeps you up at night. I hope you don't eat or sleep again. You deserve every ounce of pain you put on us."

"I know I do. There is no penance too great for what I've done I'm sorry for upsetting Slash, it truly wasn't my intention. You don't have to worry. I'll stay away. I promise. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want to fix it. I have to try. "

"You're wasting your fucking time. Just forget about us and stay out of our fucking lives. If I see you around Slash again I'll fucking cut you black heart out," he points a stern finger at me. And I know he's serious from the hollowness in his eyes. Then he shakes his head one last time and turns and walks away. I hear him leave and slam my door.

I slide down my wall and the tears I've been fighting cascade down my cheeks. I hate myself for what I've done. There's no atonements to be had for me. I'll never set any of this right, not completely. I wish one of them would kill me. It would be justified. And maybe in death I can forgive myself. Who am I fooling? I can't forgive myself any more than they can. I don't deserve forgiveness. Not in this life.

I don't know how long I can live with this. Maybe I should do everyone a favor and just kill myself. There won't be anyone to miss me. There will be no tears shed for me. No one will morn the loss of a bastard like me. And there's nobody to blame for that but me. I've really fucked up bad. I know that hell awaits me when I do die. And I deserve it. One day I will suffer for the atrocities I've committed. And that's the only justice I can seem to give anyone I've hurt. I just wish they didn't have to wait. I know I should have died. I don't know why I didn't. I should be dead.

Maybe living is to serve as my punishment. Maybe it's my own personal hell. Perhaps suffering eternally in the firey pits of hell just isn't enough for me. I needed to suffer twice. In this life and the next. But still... I don't feel like even that is enough. Not when I'm still hurting people. I just want to make it better for everyone but every time I try I'm just making it worse. I should have just fucking died.