FicWad

Erin

Since Appetite was starting to sell the guys stayed fairly busy. Well, Axl mostly. The management and record company know about their issues with partying, be it whatever the substance. Slash and Duff are always slurring. Steven's not even capable of holding an intelligent conversation. And Izzy really hated interviews. Let's face it, he's not that much of a conversationalist. I'm sure he must talk to Axl though. So Axl ends up doing loads of interviews, both on television and radio and magazines. We haven't been seeing much of him since the holidays ended.

However, I am finally spending some quality time with Izzy. It's really just now becoming civil with us. I've learned a lot about Izzy now that we cohabitate. Izzys always the first one of us to get up each day. He goes straight to the bathroom and when he comes out there's always a fresh bead of blood somewhere. Then he makes coffee for all of us but he mixes gin in his. Though he tries very hard to hide that. I'm not sure why he bothered to hide that when he didn't hide shooting up.

I've also taken notice of how closely he pays attention to Axls every move. I can tell he's worried about him, but I don't know why. I really loved watching the two of them together. Loving Axl is one of the very few emotions of Izzy's that I can pick up on. When he smiles at Axl it's so genuine that I know every other smile he gives is just for show. In fact, most of Izzy's personality was just for show. Izzy has huge walls around him and the only time they come down is for Axl. I'm just fortunate enough to witness it sometimes.

But when it's just the two of us here alone Izzy gets so quiet and distant. He pretends to be here but he's a thousand miles away. But he has his little act of pretending perfected. In my head I know Izzy's been through hell. But my heart tells me that he's not too far gone to recover. Nor is Axl. It's their love of one another that keeps them going. They'd both tell you it's the band, but it's not. If one of them ever left the other GNR would die. It's not for the band, it's for each other. The two of them are as close to soul mates as I can imagine two people being. They just somehow fit.

From the bedroom I can hear Izzy lightly strumming his guitar and singing. "I used to love her, but I had to kill her." I'm smiling because I so seldomly ever get to hear Izzy sing alone. His voice is nothing like Axl's of course. Izzy sounds more like Tom Petty. It's mellow, careless, and distant, just like him. "She bitched so much. She drove me nuts." Hummmm, I wonder if I'm the she in question.

I walk into the bedroom where I find him lounged in the bed with his guitar laying on his stomach. "I hope I don't get the credit for that one," I smile.

Izzy looks up at me and chuckles slightly, "No sugar. Some guy whining on the radio gets the credit for writing some sappy song about his woman leaving him." He sits his guitar aside and just motions for me to come sit on his lap. So I go over to him and straddle him. His thumbs move in little circles on my thighs. "Does Axl seem OK to you?" He asks with a very intent look in his eyes.

"No different than usual to me," I shrug. "You're worried about him, aren't you?"

He sighs deeply and slightly nods yes. "He's struggling really hard with shit. He always has, but since Nikki... I probably shouldn't be taking about it."

"Everyone needs someone to talk to Izzy. Obviously this is something that you can't talk to Axl about. Just talk to me. I promise it goes no further than the two of us." And I honestly meant that. Izzy never talks to people about his problems, well not that I've seen.

Izzys quite for an eternal moment. "I... I think he's got a split personality or something... When he looks in the mirror all he sees is himself when he was five. He talks to him. I think he needs some real help but he'd kill me if I tried to take him to a shrink. There's no way he'd ever lay on a couch and tell some stranger everything that's happened to him...To us. I hoped like hell that it'd just work itself out, but it's not. He says it's better when I'm around, but I don't think that's as true as he wants it to be."

And I don't really know how to take this information. But it makes sense to me. I've seen Axl talking to himself. This information makes me understand it now. It scared me because Axl would get so angry. "You think he'd ever try to hurt himself?" I ask.

"No," he says difinitively, "Axl thinks that suicide is a cop out. I tried to kill myself once when he left me. He stopped me and left me anyway." Izzy shoves the bracelets out of the way on his left arm to show me the scars. "No sweetheart, Axl's not the suicidal one."

My fingers trace the scars lightly. I'm sorta dazed because I never thought Izzy had such in him. But I guess that just goes to show you how little I actually know about Izzy. These scars tell me something though. Izzy can't live without Axl. He would rather be dead instead of being without him. "You love him that much?" I ask.

Izzy nods. "I know he's the one. I might question it and doubt it sometimes...But everything always leads me right back to him. No matter who comes to our lives...It always ends with me and him together again."

"He's never loved anyone else. He told me that," I say softly and feel a pang of hurt.

Izzy just turns his head and stares out the window. "I have loved someone else," he mumbles.

"Slash?" I ask.


And he nods. "It was never like with Axl. There was no fighting. No mood swings. Loving him was almost too easy. But in the back of my mind I was always comparing him to Axl. I was always worrying about Axl and how he was coping without me. Maybe a small hurtful part of me just wanted him to hurt. For a while I was starting to think that he loved you more than he did me."

"Nowhere close. He talked to you in his dreams. Sometimes I think he hated me for not being you. And God forbid if I even mentioned you. And you being with Slash killed him."

"I know. But the second I found out that Nikki had him I told Slash goodbye without actually saying it. But he knew. He knew me and Axl would be together again as soon as I found him. He knew I still loved Axl, just like I knew he still loved Duff. We were together mainly because we didn't want to be hurting and all alone. It was mutually beneficial and comfortable. I still feel like I have to make it up to Axe for Slash. I feel like I betrayed him. When I fucked Nikki and Tommy we were broke up so I didn't feel guilty. But with Slash... I was hurting so many people and being a selfish dick. I never wanted to hurt Duff."

"I feel like all that is my fault too. I let Nikki use me like a puppet. He wanted me to break you two up and that's what I did." And I felt that need to make it up to them.

"You were just caught up in something bigger than all of us. Nikki knew exactly what he was doing." His fingers lightly trace the length of my arm.

"Axl said you went to see him after you found out he didn't die." Izzy nods. "What happened?"

"He apologized if you can believe that. He said he let me go. I'm not sure if I believe him though. Nikki can be very convincing when he sees fit to be."

I huff, "Who do you think you're telling? He really fell hard for you. I've never seen him go to such extremes for anyone else ever. But I guess I see the appeal. People tend to fall for you."

"I'll never understand why. I'm nothing special and God knows I have some pretty severe issues. Sometimes I feel that I deserve to be all alone out in a desert where I can't hurt anyone else."

"Well for me it was how mysterious you seemed. I liked your attitude. You never said much but when you did everyone listened. And you always make people feel safe. Nikkis the only person I ever met who was as hard as you. Youve seen and done so much. But you have a good heart."

"No I don't Erin. I've needlessly hurt too many too much. You think that I'd sell poison to people if I had a good heart? You think that I'd get my friends hooked on it? Think I'd keep giving it to you and Axl? And that's not even as deep as the shit has gone. I've hurt my family. I've lied, cheated, and stolen. I've pimped out Slash, Axl, and myself. A person with a good heart doesn't do things like that."

"You're always so hard on yourself," I say stroking his cheek. "You always think of yourself as undeserving, but you're not. You've done good things too. Remember that night when you saved me from the helecopter spotlight? Remember what you did to Save Slash? You gave Nikki what he wanted and they stopped."

Izzy just sighs and looks away, "It wasn't so bad. I thought he would torture me and make it go on and on...But he didn't. He was quite gentle actually."

"That's because you have yourself to him willingly. I read somewhere in his diary that if you'd just open up to him that he'd never hurt you again." And Izzy gets distant again. His hands just rest motionlessly on my thighs and his brows furrowed. He looked like Axl does when he gets distant. They both get that far away blank stare and I can't help but wonder where it is that they go inside of themselves. "Hey," I stroke his smooth stomach, "Where are you? You and Axl both do that sometimes...Where do you go?"

He looks back at me and smiles tenderly, "Indiana. A warm summer night under the stars, all alone together in a cornfield that was across the street from my house. It was our only place that we knew we'd be safe to touch and kiss and fall harder and deeper with every passing moment. It's a sense of comfort that we go back to whenever we hurt. Sometimes I go there just to remember that I can still feel. Sometimes it feels that I can't feel anything but that place. Axl does it every time we're at a conference table together. He does it when he's depressed and it somehow gives him hope. And when Nikki was raping him that's where Axl was, in Indiana in a cornfield with me."

"You talk about it like you long for it still."

"I do," he whispers and I can see the tears trying to build up in his eyes.


"With Axl it's a coping skill. Axl is aware that it's impossible to erase everything that has happened. But you...You just won't accept that. You can't, so you bury it with drugs. You stay numb because you're too scared to feel anything. You have to let go of the past. We can only exist in the present. Instead of trying to remember what it feels like to feel, just let go and feel things. Shout at the anger. Cry at the pain. Feel the guilt. Feel the joy. Feel the love. Feel anything. You don't have to be tough or distant or brave and detached all the time. Join the rest of us that feel a hundred different things a day."

Izzy smirks, "You strangely sound just like Axl. And I know you're both right. It's just...The only way I could deal with all the shit we've both done was to just turn off feeling all together. But I'm not as numb as you and Axl think. I might act it...But I feel a lot more than I let on sugar. I just don't try to burden Axl with more than I have to. Especially now with whatever it is he's going through."

"You know that he loves you no matter what."

"Yeah, I do. And I know that I have to show him that I do too. The first thing I'm gonna do is get him some plastic surgery. He has to see that reminder daily. And it kills me to see it and think about Nikki carving it there. If it's gone maybe it'll help."

"I think it would," I nod. And my fingers trace his bare chest and circle around his nipple. "Izzy...Why do you only sleep with me when Axl is involved? I mean you used to..."

"I guess I just don't want to rock the boat. I know I can and it wouldn't bother Axl. I don't know. Maybe I don't want to get too close to you."

"Why?" I ask as I trace his other nipple.

"Because I know that one day me and Axl are gonna hurt you really bad. I honestly don't want to hurt you Erin. When I was fucking you before I didn't care if you got hurt or not. I just can't afford to be too close to you because you don't know how to really be with two men who tell you that they don't love you. Yes we care. We care a great deal about you but you will always be second to us both. That's not fair to you and I don't like you falling harder and deeper. But, at the same time you fulfill a selfish need both Axl and I have. And we do like being with chicks almost as often as we enjoy being with each other. But besides Desi... You're the only one who has ever seen us together. Every other three way we had didn't involve us touching each other. I like that with you we can, but I know that you still hurt. I just don't get why you're sticking around for all this. You don't owe us shit honey."

"Because I'm in love with both of you. Together you're the man of my dreams. I don't so much mind that I'm second best. I'm just happy at the compassion you both show me. I feel like we're a little family."

"A happy little family? Your home life must have been... Interesting.," He laughs slightly and traces my cheek. "I'll never understand what it is you see in us...What need of yours are we fulfilling? Don't you want someone to hold you and whisper how much they love you in your hair?"

"I've heard the words before and it meant nothing but lies. I don't need the words. As far as holding me...That's what you're doing right now." And he leans up and kisses me tenderly.

"Do you really like it better with me?" He whispers. I nod yes. "Why? Is it a size thing or...?"

"Because it's one of the only times you ever show feeling. It's all comes out of you. The anger, the joy, love...It's the only time you seem comfortable in your own skin. And with the exception of that one time, you always make sure the other person is enjoying it. Sometimes being with Axl feels almost robotic, like he's not really there. But it's never like that with you."

"Just never ever tell that to Axl," he says and kisses me again. He moans slightly from his throat and I can feel his weight shifting under me. His dick is growing harder by the second. "Do you want me darlin?" I nod. "Tell me."

"I want you Izzy. Please let me feel you inside of me."

He smirks at me, "Since you're begging..." He pulls me down and rolls on top of me. His hands start to undress me slowly as his kisses feather across every inch of exposed skin. His precision and grace never fails to amaze me. I loved being with him when Axl wasn't around. It's equally rewarding and amazing with both of them, but one one one with Izzy felt far more intimate.


I start tugging at his pants as he slides his arms out of his shirt. He then shoves his pants off the rest of the way. His lips take mine and I feel his hand sliding down between us. He pauses and when I look at his face he's looking at me like I'm some foreign language he's trying to read or something. I would ask him what was wrong, but I know he'd never tell me. Therefore, why bother? I just watch him watching me. Finally I see him blink and I feel him slide inside of me. I moan in pleasure, but he quickly drowns me out with a deep kiss.

Izzy moves slow, deep, and hard. His hands never stop gliding across my skin. His lips are constant and consistent all over me. I can hear his breath racing. Mine is too. I can feel both of our hearts pounding. His skin is so hot. It's starting to get sticky but he's not sweating. I run my hands down his side's and grasp his hips. I can almost imagine how sexy he must look rotating them. Slow, deep, hard. Oh god, I loved him.

We're about ten minutes in when I hear a lighter strike. Izzy jumps and looks behind us. Sitting across the room in a chair is Axl lighting himself a cigarette. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. At the moment it's hard to tell. I have to wait for one of them to speak...Or yell. But I soon feel Izzy relaxing. I take that as a good sign.

"Why the fuck are you stopping? This was just getting good," Axl says exhaling smoke and squinting one eye at it.

"How long have you been watching pervert?" Izzy snorts.

"Long enough to be hard as a fucking rock. You know how much I love to watch you fuck." He licks his lips slowly and drags deeply from the cigarette again.

"OK," Izzy smiles, "Hey, does this position make my ass look fat?" I can't help but laugh at them.

"What ass Isbell? You know damn well that you ain't got much ass."

"Oh it's enough," Izzy smirks, "want me to show you up close?"

"Is that an invitation or merely a statement?" Axl asks in an interested sounding voice.

"I dunno darlin? Do you enjoy blue balls? Can't say that I ever cared much for them. But if you're fond of that then it was a statement. But if you can't keep your ass glued to that seat, well come on in...That is if Erin doesn't mind. I'm going to guess she doesn't but you should probably ask her, just to be on the safe side."

I'm laughing when I hear Axl's reply. "I think I can take her if she tries to kick my ass. You'll help me hide the body, right?"

"If you don't get your ass over here I'm gonna be stashing two bodies, solo."

"You wish fucker," Axl smiles as he puts his cigarette out in an ashtray. Then he stands up, pulls his shirt over his head and comes for the bed. I'm pretty sure that you can guess where things go from there.