FicWad

Nikki

I wish I could say that nothing in my life makes sense, but it does. It makes perfect sense. I'm all alone because I shoved everyone away. I've hurt people again and again. Now those very people I hurt are happier than ever. It's like all of my plotting against them just bonded them even more. Fuck, I don't even have Tommy on my side anymore. In this, my hour of need, I have no one. Nobody gives a fuck and that's my fault. But it's too late to turn it around. It's not like hoping and wishing could erase any of my misdeeds.

The human hiding inside of me wants a shoulder to cry on. I just wanted someone to understand and listen. I know it changes nothing I've done, but I so desperately needed someone to listen. Or just hold me. I know I shouldn't expect such. Fuck, I wouldn't even piss on me if I was on fire. And the very last place I should go in a time like this is the exact place I turn up.

Sitting in my car, sipping Jack, I watch. I watch cars, people, anything really, but my main focus is the building I'm parked in front of. A West Hollywood condo that wasn't mine. I know I shouldn't be here. I know that if the occupants inside knew I was in such close proximity that a small war would probably start. And that's entirely my fault. I did this to myself and nothing can change that.

It's early when a limo shows up at the condo. The sun has only been up maybe an hour. I watch as a burly security guy leads a certain red head to the limo and opens the door. I watch as he gets in and the limo pulls away from the curb. Awfully early start, isn't it? And I know that inside two more occupants lie nuzzled in their beds. So unaware of my presence just outside. But I don't wish to startle anyone. Truth is, I don't know how I came to be here, in my car and staring at that building. But I'm here.

My mind drifts off, it does this more and more lately. I find myself at a party, surrounded by people. I remembered seeing Izzy in my doorway. It's as if my life didn't even start until that moment. Or maybe just every other moment of my life seems insignificant when in comparison. Had I imagined that night? Had I made up the way he wanted me? No. I know I didn't. He wanted me that night. I didn't project that. He had wanted me. Even after all the horrible things I put him through he still showed up at my house for sex. Why would he do that if I hurt him so badly? I didn't force him. In fact, I gave him several opportunities to leave. None of which he took. He wanted to be with me and it didn't matter one damn bit how much he claims I hurt him.


I remember sitting on my bed watching as Izzy lay back from the shot I gave him. I must have stared at him twenty minutes before I made a move. I'd never wanted anyone the way I had wanted him. I never even dreamed that I could want another man like that. Yet, it happened. Do I regret that? Not one bit. Am I ashamed of that? No, I don't think I am. I think I'm a better person for having truly loved him. How can someone not be a better person for having been in love? If there's a way, I think I've found it.

I shouldn't have come here. If he knew I was lurking around outside of his apartment he wouldn't like it. He'd probably react to it the same as I would if I thought Tommy was doing it to me. Dare I Even say, it would scare me. It would definitely ruin my day. Not that the incident itself hasn't ruined my entire life. No, I shouldn't be here. I should just crank my car and drive back to Van Nyes. I should just lock myself away in my stale fortress and never come out again. Not like anyone would miss me.

I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I feel like such an idiot. All I want is a fucking friend! Someone to listen. Someone to fucking care. Someone who tries to make me feel better. Someone who will take care of me. But in this world I've crafted, that just isn't possible. I'm the devil. I'm hated. I'm feared. Like I can even expect the time of day. It's a miracle someone hasn't shot me right between my eyes. All things considered, that would probably be the best thing for me. I wanted to be dead.

Then I'm startled by a tap on my window. I look up and see Izzy standing there with ruffled brows. "Sixx...what the fuck are you doing here?" His tone is disbelieving and suspicious. And I suppose he has every right to be. I'm sure I look pretty creepy and menacing sitting in my car outside of his apartment.

I part my lips to say something but words just won't come out. Apparently the look on my face speaks for me. Izzy opens my door and gets a better look at me. His expression softens and in his eyes I think I see recognition. Or maybe I'm just wanting to. But I swear I see sympathy and I haven't even said that anything is wrong yet. Maybe my tear stained cheeks are saying it for me.

"What's wrong?" Izzy asks and swallows hard.

And I really wanted to tell him. But my vocal cords simply won't respond. But my eyes do and more tears fall from my eyes.

"Are you ok Nikki?"

It was such a simple yes or no question but I couldn't even get my stupid neck to nod my head yes. I shouldn't be bothering him with this. I should just crank my car and leave. But where the fuck did I have to go? Back to my miserable house? Back to the scene of the event that has fucked my head all up? "I... I should go..." I finally mutter.

"Nikki, why the fuck are you sitting in your car outside my place?" And that apprehension is back on his face and it's completely understandable.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have come... I just... I needed to... I'm sorry, I'll go," I say and try to shut my door but Izzy's body is blocking it from closing. His eyes survey my skin. It seems like his eyes get even softer.

"Did you get in a fight," he softly says still looking me over.

And my flood gates just burst open. I grab my steering wheel and sob uncontrollably. Oh if only all these bruises were from a fight. My life would be so much simpler if that was all that had happened to me. Izzy stands there observing me and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I can't believe he doesn't have his gun to my head. He should for everything I've done to him. I think a part of me wished he did. And I would be so grateful if he pulled the trigger. It's what a bastard like me deserves. "T...Tommy..." I manage to utter.

From the corner of my eye I can see Izzy visably tense. No, it was more like a cringe. Izzy tries to relax and sighs. His eyes fall to the ground. " He did it to you too, didn't he?" He asks so quietly that I barely hear him.

I intend to say yes but all I can do is cry even harder and fall across my steering wheel as if it had arms to comfort me. All I want is comfort. I know Izzy has no sympathy for me. And I understand that. Why would he? This is probably a comfort to him. It was Devine justice. It was what I deserved. I was such an animal to him. I was a manipulative predator. I hurt him and everyone he loves. Please God, Izzy just shoot me and show me some mercy.

"Come on," I hear him say and feel his hands on my shoulders trying to pull me away from my steering wheel.

"I... I should go," I say and try to crank my car.

Izzy's hand goes over mine," Just come inside, you shouldn't try to drive like this."

Why was he doing this? He doesn't owe me a goddamn thing, most of all sympathy. My hands grip my steering wheel with white knuckles and I cry even more. But my tears aren't for what happened to me, they're for what I had done. Izzy's such an idiot to try to comfort me. Right now I wanted his hate. I wanted his vengeance. "Just as I'm thinking I might spontaneously implode I feel Izzy's arms go around me.

"It's ok," he whispers in my ear.

"No!" I will. And no it wasn't ok. But I was crying no because I don't deserve his kindness. But I can't stop my arms from going around him and sobbing into his chest. He felt so good in my arms and that only manages to make me feel worse. I can't stop thinking about all the horrible ways I've hurt him. How did I ever hurt him?

"Come on, it's ok, no one is here but me," he says trying to urge me out of my car. I can't fight him. I can't resist the ache in my chest that just wanted him. So I let him lead me inside. He sits me down at the table and pulls out a bottle of gin. He pours some in a glass and sits it in front of me. But my hands are shaking too bad to think about picking it up. "Do you need a fix?" He then softly asks sitting across from me.

I just shake my head. There was no sense in telling him I quit. It's not like he really cares. In fact, I need to find the strength to reject his kind offer. No matter what, I can't go back to using again. I have no clue why I'm bothering to stay off smack, it seems that my death would be expedited far quicker if I just used. Who the fuck am I staying sober for? There's no reason for it. I'm not doing it for any greater good because there is no good in me.

"You need a doctor?" Izzy asks carefully.

I just shake my head no. There was no doctor that could change anything about what happened. . And as far as fixing any physical pain...what was the fucking point? I should be happy that Tommy wasn't trying to make it hurt. Because he could have.

"Did you tell the cops?" Izzy uneasily asks.

I shake my head no. I couldn't go to the cops. If I did it would be in the press within twenty four hours. And to add insult to injury, I needed my drummer to not be in prison. I guess I didn't want legal justice. Why? Because I don't fucking deserve it. "I don't want anyone to know," I whisper.

Izzy nods and looks down. I guess he understood that. After all, he never ratted me or Tommy out to the cops. Though I'm not really sure why. I guess Izzy wanted justice by his own hands. But he's never really tried to make me pay. Why was that? He'd had so many reasons and opportunities. He could have killed me on many occasions, but he hasn't. "It...never really goes away," Izzy mumbles.

"Izzy... I'm so sorry for everything I did to you." I was completely honest. I really really was fucking sorry for ever hurting him.

He slightly huffs, "I'm sure you already see that a simple sorry doesn't fix anything."

A tear rolls down my cheek. Yeah, I knew my sorry didn't account for shit. Nothing I can ever say or do can make up for what I have done. Just the same as Tommy will never be able to make it up to me. Now I feel even more stupid for coming here. Did I really expect to get his sympathy? I will never forgive Tommy. Why would Izzy ever forgive me? He doesn't have to and he shouldn't. Not ever.

"But it gets to a point where you don't think about it every living minute. Takes time though... maybe a little expertise too. Someone like me...like Axl...it gets to a point that it isn't in control of us anymore. I'm sure it will turn out the same for you too."

"I... I don't think I will ever let myself forget. I deserve to keep reliving it over and over. I've...I've done unspeakable things that I deserve to pay for."

"I can't argue with that...but for what it's worth, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Nobody should have to...no matter what they've done."

I look up at him in disbelief. "How can you be sorry for me? After everything I did...how can you feel any shred of sympathy towards me? If anyone has a reason to hate me it's you. You don't have to lie and tell me you're sorry because I know you aren't."

He shakes his head and looks down again, "I said you get to a point where you stop dwelling on it. You know , life goes on and shit. And I'm not saying that I forgive you, I'm just sorry this happened."

"Don't you believe in karma Izzy?" I huff.

"Guess I never invested much thought into it. That's really always been Axl's thing, worrying about god, the devil, souls, reincarnation, and karma. But I guess it is funny how things tend to bite us in the ass. Sometimes whether we deserve it or not."

"Don't you hate me?" I softly ask him.

He's silent for a moment, " What good would it do? Hating someone is a full time job. I have better things to do than wasting all my efforts on you. I don't think I have a very clear picture of how I feel about you anymore. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway."

" It matters to me," I say.

"Nikki... you already know who you are and what you've done. I'd say you hate yourself enough for everyone. I won't say that you don't deserve to feel like shit for all the shit you've caused, but you didn't deserve what he did to you. Nobody deserves that.. And I really am sorry for that."

"You shouldn't be, not after everything... I... just don't hate you. I hate the things you did. They were very...cold. But I kinda get it."

"No you don't. You can't possibly imagine how hard I fell for you. You don't even remember that first night we were together."

"I do remember it Nikki," he says and pulls out a cigarette and lights it, "I didn't really at first, I thought I dreamed that night because it was so much like how Axl used to be with me. But when Axl told me I had slept with you it just came flooding back into my head. I remember most of it. And I get that you were in love with me...but my heart will always belong to Axl. I love him. I'm sorry that I don't love you Nikki, we might have been a perfect match made in hell, but Axl beat you to the punch."

I wipe my eyes. I know he doesn't love me, but listening to him actually say it stings like salt in an open wound. I could have given him the world on a silver platter. Oh if only he would have given me a shot. If only his heart would allow me in it. Why can't he see how tragically doomed his relationship with Axl is? Axl's so hard on him about dope, and I never would, not even with myself being sober. I know how smart Izzy is, when he's ready to quit , he will.

"Is he everything you always wanted?" Like really, your fantasy, your dream? Would you Change nothing about him? Is he what you wanted in your dreams?" I was praying that he'd answer me. Izzy was prone on not answering questions he deemed too personal. There's an obvious pause in the room. Izzy's fidgeting with his cigarette, but I can see that he's thinking deeply.

He shrugs, " Nobody is supposed to be perfect." He faintly smiles, " God knows I'm not. But we love each other. No offense, but I don't think you're exactly an authority on the matter. When you love someone it's completely whole. You love them in spite of mistakes and flaws. You know how to forgive them because you can't live without them. You could breathe without them. So is he everything I ever dreamed of? Fuck no, but I don't care. He's my soulmate. If you knew how that felt… I would get rid of the giant red scar that says “Nikki” across his chest though. I’m not sure who that hurts more; him because he has to remember what happened when he sees it or me because I have to remember I didn’t get there in time to save him. You know you made him think I didn’t love him; you made him want to die and that’s something I can’t ever forgive you for. You really fucked with his head; you’re good at that shit. You analyzed my whole life from the pictures in my wallet and screwed with me but I’m all Axl’s ever had and what you did, making him think he had no chance of me ever coming back, that he’d finally gone too far and pushed me away for good, that was damn cruel. I know my relationship with Axl is fucked up and people don’t understand but it wasn’t your place to tell him that I didn’t love him, never had, never would again. I really wished I had hit you with that bullet that day for a long time for making him think that. The way I see it you owe Steven for your life twice over, once for that night and once for the night you dropped dead outside his door at Franklin Plaza. Might want to tell him you’re sorry for getting him to snort Comet but you’d probably scare him to death the same way you did Slash when you tried to apologize to him.”
“You know about that?” I ask him quietly. He nods. “I didn’t mean to scare him, I just wanted to say I was sorry. Duff came to my house, told me to stay the fuck away from all of you but especially Slash, poor kid was shaking like a leaf and I knew why but I didn’t really get it until now. If I fucking opened my door and Tommy was standing there I’d probably freak the fuck out too and nothing he said or did would ever be enough of an apology. I should never have gone there, I didn’t mean to make him afraid in his own house. I shouldn’t have come here either, I should go I’m sorry,” I apologize and start to stand up but Izzy crosses his arms and says “Sit down, we’re not done yet.”