Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...

I Don't Hate You

by MaryJaneSixx 0 reviews

Up to date as of July 15, 2017

Category: Guns n' Roses - Rating: R - Genres: Romance - Warnings: [V] [X] [R] - Published: 2017-07-16 - 3296 words

I can’t believe I’m sitting here at my kitchen table with Sixx drinking before 7:00 in the morning. Sixx who’s just been raped by the very monster he created; he made Tommy a rapist and now his dog has turned on him. Don’t know why I care; this c after everything he’s done but for some reason I can’t turn him away. His eyes are so haunted, they remind me of my own and the eyes of all of my friends that he hurt. But he's starting to piss me off by asking too many questions about my relationship with Axl; this crazy fucker is still actually in love with me! But the fucker has some weird effect on me that makes me want to open up and talk to him, he always has and I don't know why, doesn't mean I have to say anything nice though. But I have a lot of shit I want to say to this fucker. “ I don’t know who
you’ve had in your life that loved you Sixx and I’m not saying your life wasn’t fucked up but making someone think that the only real love they’ve ever received in their whole life wasn’t real is a horrible thing to do to a person. You’ll never understand what Axl went through growing up; I was his only safety net! His stepdad was a piece of shit who beat him and raped his sister and his mom just stood by and let it happen! He would come to me at night, knock on the window, bloody and beaten all to hell and I was the one who took care of him, I loved him even back then. I’d bring him in, clean him up, and then he’d sleep next to me curled up in a ball like he was trying to make himself as small as possible and I'd hold him from behind if he'd let me touch him at all. I was the ONLY person he ever let touch him. Slash does the same thing when he’s scared and upset, curl up in a ball and want to be held. A lot of things about Slash remind me of Axl when he was young and not so jaded.

Nikki looks down as a tear falls. "I knew his life was fucked up but I didn't know all of that. I'm sorry I made him think you didn't care. I knew you two went way back but I didn't know all of that; I just hated the way he treated you and wanted him out of the way. I don't get why you let him treat you the way he does and still love him but I guess there's way more to it than I knew about. I know I hurt the one you loved the most. How could you not hate me? I hurt him. I hurt your entire fucking band! Even that whore you and Axl play house with! But just tell me this; you loved Slash, you might tell Axl you didn’t but you did and he knows it. If Axl’s your soul mate how could you love somebody else that way? You loved him but never me; and I hurt him too.” Another tear falls. "I hated that kid so much because you loved him. He proved that you could love somebody other than Axl, just not me. I wanted to hurt him just as much as I wanted to hurt Axl, more even because you would leave Axl for him but you would never have left him for me. I hated him because everyone loves him, I mean he had your heart, he had Duff's heart and he swooped in and snatched you up when you and Axl were on the skids before I had the chance to even try. You fucking adored him too and I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at him, as a chance at a new love and a new life, I wanted to be the one to give you that, he had Duff, he didn't need you too. Duff always walks around like such a satisfied, cocky, bastard, always so protective of his curly haired little pet and I hated how happy and in love he was when I was so miserable. I didn't and honestly still don't get how he and Slash could have had such a bad break up, Slash hooks up with you but he and Duff end up happier than ever after you dropped him back in Duff's lap! It was like they were never apart and fucking Slash was winning all around, happy with you, then happy with Duff just a few days later which pissed me off because it's like he had what I wanted so badly but you didn't seem to mean much to him judging by how quickly he and Duff ended up back in a permanent state of bliss. It made me hate the kid even more because if I had a chance to be with you I would have loved you right; I wouldn't have been cuddled up in someone else's arms a few days after being in yours. Anyway, Duff and I got into it one morning when he was buying cigarettes after Slash got mouthy with me in the hotel bar and I hurt his neck; I tried to tell Duff I owned him and his little baby boy, he told me to fuck off. I wanted to prove to him that I damn well did own him and I wanted both of you to see what a whimpy little bitch Slash was. It made me sick how in love with him you both were when he didn't seem to care who it was he was with as long as he was getting attention! I figured he'd scream and cry and beg the whole time and that neither of you would want him after you saw how he acted and what we did to him. I thought that if you saw him crying like a baby with his face and hair covered in Tommy's cum you wouldn't want him anymore. But the little shit proved me totally wrong and just took it. I mean yeah he cried for Duff a little but I figured there'd be way more crying and screaming than there was and he didn't beg, not once, and it was even more frustrating than Axl not begging! The kid held his own when I thought he'd fall apart at the seams and all it did was make you love him more than you already did, and now, now I can't even figure out why I would want to do any of the things I did to him to another person. What the fuck was I thinking? It made sense at the time but now...I mean holy fuck! Tommy took it easy on me with his porno cock and it only lasted a little while and it hurt so fucking much and Slash took that for over four hours... All I did was ruin that kid's life because he made you happy," Nikki says. Well no shit Sherlock, is Nikki seriously just now realizing how fucked up the things he did were? Did he honest to god not understand that before this moment or did he just not care? Was the lack of smack in his system giving him a conscience? Did he not get that shoving a bottle up someone's ass or carving your name in their chest was wrong before it happened to him or did he just not care?

"Yeah, you sure as hell did and what you did to Slash was the height of your depravity. He's just a kid Nikki, an innocent kid and you stole that innocence from him! How and why could you do the things you did to him? How could you listen to him scream when Tommy tore him open and watch the blood run down his legs and respond by choking him with your dick? How could you hear him cry for for Duff and watch tears run down that baby face and laugh? How could you watch his soul die little by little for over four hours and then punch him when he couldn’t take it anymore? He’s never gonna be the same ever again and I think you get that now but it’s too late! I mean me, ok, you were angry at me and Axl, he always hated you so I can sort of understand why but the could you? The bottle and the choking and cutting off his airway with your fucking dick and just how long you tortured him...what the fuck? Were you having more fun torturing him or me and Duff? And you’re right, I did love him, but you're wrong about him, he was good to me Nikki. He helped me through dealing with the beginning of touring with you and he was sweet, and kind, and what I needed at that time. He has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever met; it's just that it belongs to Duff and not me. But I never stopped loving Axl and when I knew you had Axl, when I knew you were going to hurt him, I had to admit to myself that it was Axl that I would always love even when things were shitty between us. Slash deserved better than that, he deserved more than half a heart, he deserved better than me. So, I took him back where he belonged, to someone who loved him more than anything. Because that’s what you do for people you really love, you do what’s best for them, what will make them the happiest. I know I did the right thing because look at how happy he and Duff are despite what you did to them! What I did to them! They’re closer than they ever were, completely wrapped up in each other. What Slash needed was Duff and I would never try and take that love away from him again, it was selfish of me in the first place. If you want to see an example of what love should be like look at Slash and Duff. Watch how they look at each other, how their every touch conveys love and affection and security to the other. You destroyed something in Slash Nikki; he was so traumatized that the only time he could talk was when he would wake up screaming from nightmares about you. You'll be having those now by they way, they're real pleasant so enjoy dreaming about having Tommy's circus dick shoved up your ass. He fucking lost his voice but he woke up five or six times a night screaming no matter how much dope he had in his system and the only thing that calmed him down was Duff. Duff saved him, he's the reason that Slash is alive because if he hadn't been there for him Slash would have od'd and offed himself after what you did to him. If things had gone the way you wanted them to and Duff had pushed him away he'd be dead Nikki! You say you love me but I'm not sure you get what that means; well, maybe now you might get it. When somebody steals as much of your soul as you and Tommy have from every member of my fucking band you need your lover on a very basic and primal level. Slash needed Duff's everything and I know because it's what Axl and I needed from each other after it happened to us the first time: you need your lover's everything to get through what you put that kid through, even just their scent can calm you down. You need to be held and loved, you need that comforting voice telling you they love you no matter what. Axl used to sing to me, actually he sang to me the night you hurt Slash to calm me down. I wish so much of Axl hadn't been stolen over the years, I wish he would let me take care of him the way Duff took care of Slash; he used to but he's been hurt so much that his natural reaction is to recoil from touch and affection. Slash's heart was wide open because he'd never been hurt before you got to him so he readily accepted every bit of comfort Duff could offer. Axl and I are getting back to something like that but those two-they don’t even have to try it just comes naturally and thank fuck you didn’t destroy that for them. You're right, I loved Slash even though I had to give him up and I watched to make sure he was getting what he needed from Duff and they're like two halves of one heart or something. Slash could be screaming and flailing around fighting off you and Tommy in his sleep and he would hear Duff's voice telling him he was safe, that he was there and he would immediately calm down. I don't think he spent 20 minutes out of Duff's arms for over a week. Most of that time he couldn't talk, he'd just cry and shake and Duff just held him and stroked his hair and talked to him, told him constantly how much he loved him and needed him and he did everything he could to make Slash feel safe and wanted and loved. It worked too because the first words out of his mouth when he finally was able to talk again were "Duffy I love you so much." I heard him from the next room, the door between the two rooms was open. They were making love again as soon as Slash was healed up; think about how long it would take you to trust someone right now enough to want to sleep with them and multiply it by 10 because what Slash got was way worse than what you got from Tommy. Slash wanted Duff to make love to him after having a nightmare about Duff leaving him because of you, he trusted him that much, enough to give himself to Duff after you shoved a bottle up his ass and not be afraid that Duff would hurt him. Their connection is amazing and beautiful and somehow still totally genuine and pure despite all the shit that's happened. I want to get back to that place with Axl, I want him to trust me the way Slash trusts Duff; he used to. He used to come crawl in my bedroom window when his stepfather had hurt him and I'd clean him up and hold him all night while he shook and dreamed and cried. But he would let me hold him and he'd stop shaking eventually in my arms. His nightmares have always been horrible and even I can't touch him afterwards for a few minutes, never could, tried a couple times, got a black eye and a fat lip so I learned how to back off a little and just lay next to him and talk to him until he can stand to be touched. I was the only person he ever ran to, still am I guess, but LA and having to give it up to get where we are killed off so much in our relationship. I want that all back, part of why I could love Slash the way I did was because he reminded me of a younger, less jaded Axl. Axl and I used to be affectionate with each other and he didn't ride me about smack all the time and we didn't fight, we clung to each other. I want us to hold onto each other again, I'm trying to be what he needs again and he's letting me for the first time in years. Ironically I guess I have you to thank for that because if you hadn't kidnapped him I may not have gotten him back. So as fucked up as it is Duff and I owe you for getting us the loves of our lives back. And yeah, I wanted to kill you. I wanted bad shit to happen to you. There are things I’ll never forgive you for, like making Axl think I didn’t love him, for everything you did to Slash, but I never wanted you to be raped, despite Tommy being the very monster of your making. And I really am sorry it happened to you. But be clear on one thing, I don't like you at all, but I don't hate you."

Nikki just sits there staring at me for a few minutes. "That's more than I've ever heard you speak in the whole time I've known you. You're right though, I didn't really know anything about love, but I know that I could have felt all of that for you. All of what you and Axl feel, all of what Duff and Slash feel, if only you'd given me half a chance. I don't want to unleash my soul to you because it would be pointless." He just stares down at his hands which I notice are shaking. I halfway want to reach across the table and hold them still, despite who he is and what he's done something in me still wants to offer him comfort. I can't explain it, Sixx brings out weird things in me, whatever our connection is it's weird and unnerving but it's there. "You love Axl. And while you say you don't hate me, you did state clearly that you don't like me, not even a little bit. If it's possible, I hate myself more for coming here. I should go. But the sadistic bastard in me demands more torture. So I gotta ask "Did you ever care for me? Even a little?" he asks, his eyes darting up to meet mine for a second before looking back down at his hands.

"Maybe a little, once upon a time Before... everything," I admit.

"I suppose I like that open ended answer. It makes me feel less shitty about myself. "I wish I hadn't ruined that," he whispers. He glances at the clock on the wall. I had been here too long. "I should go. I do want to thank you though."

"For what?" He asks

"For listening. For not hating me. And doesn't matter. Maybe I'll see you around sometime," he says and gets up and walks to the door.

"Hey Nikki," I call out. He stops and looks up at me. "I'm sorry Tommy hurt you. I know what you're going through. If I was you I'd get high and stay high to make it go away. It's not that I'm not proud of you for getting sober but it was how I dealt with it and I had Axl to help me. It's how Slash and Axl dealt with it and fuck you see how protective and attentive Duff is-what I'm trying to say is there's no shame in it if you start shooting up again. I haven't figured out a better way to make it go away. Just being honest."

"Yeah, thanks, I'll probably go find Jason, stock up, block it all out. I can't think of any other way to deal with it either," Nikki says and quietly walks out of the door. Well, that certainly wasn't what I expected this morning. I need a drink.
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