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In the Flanders Home, Rod and Tod are watching TV)

Flanders
Hey, boys. Whatchya watching there? The 700 Club?

Rod
No daddy, MTV.

Tod
I wanna go to 50 Cent's Candy Shop!

Flanders
(gasps) Dear Lord! (shuts the TV off abruptly)

Tod
Oh, they were show us how they get the dancers from the rap videos.

Flanders
Do you understand that watching MTV will cause you to go straight to hell when you die?!!!!

Rod & Tod
(*scared) Now we do!

Flanders
Now you both go to your rooms.....and pray for forgiveness!

Tod
For how long?

Flanders
(*evily) Until I say so...

Rod
Go Tod, Go!!!

(Rod and Tod race up to their bedrooms and we hear them praying loudly)

Flanders
Oh, without Maude here it's hard to supervise the children to make sure they're not jeopardizing their relationship with God. The last thing I need is for Rod and Tod, and me for that matter, going to hell. Not on my watch, no sireee!

(Flanders walks outside into the backyard where Homer is peering over the fence.)

Homer
*tree branch rustles
Hey, Flanders! Get your tree branches away from my lawn!

Flanders
Whoopsie doodle, I guess I forgot to snip those little buggers this morning. I was in a rush to get to church!

Homer
Heheheh...Stupid Flanders, it's Wednesday!

Flanders
I know that Homer. I just like to spend one extra day with the Lord to make sure me and the family have a free ride to heaven after we all die.

Homer
Pffftt...Flanders, you and your religious mumbo jumbo; God is everywhere, I'm going to hell, priests are having sex with young boys...If you ask me, one hour of church a week is more than enough!

Flanders
Well, I guess everyone is just a little bittily diddily different when it comes to how we prefer to worship God.

Homer
Damn straight...

Flanders
Ooo...a profanity! I better head back to Church!

Homer
Good god Flanders! I said it, not you.

Flanders
I have to go and pray since I was in the presence of those foul words, and I don't take chances with hell! Ooo...and you took God's name in vain, that's a double diddly!
(Flanders runs to his car)
*Flander's Starts his car
Tootily Doo Homer!
*The sound of screeching tires is heard as he drives off to the church

Homer
Heheheh, I should start cussing a lot more if it means getting rid of Flanders!

(Flanders at the Church)

Flanders
(praying) Good Lord, please forgive Homer Simpson for his use of your name as well as some other profuse words. Also forgive him for his use of future foul language and me for hearing it.

*foot steps

Krusty
(*angrily) Hey, you yutz!

Flanders
What can I diddly do you for?

Krusty
(*in pain) Ugh...Where's the reverend?

Flanders
Oh, he's not here right now. You seem to be in a lot of pain, what's wrong?

Krusty
*stomach gurgles
Ugh...I shouldn't have eaten that moldy sandwich I stole from Sideshow Mel's dressing room...AND NOW I'M GONNA DIE! *sobs

Flanders
There, there. I'm not one to normally help clowns, I think of you people as evil and the work of the devil like Ouija boards, rock music, and plasma televisions. But wait a minute, if my memory serves me right, aren't you Jewish?

Krusty
(hysterically) I knew that moldy sandwich warped my mind! I can't even remember my own religion! sobs even more

Flanders
I think you should go see a doctor.

Krusty
*burps really loud, so loud that it echoes throughout Springfield

(In the Simpsons' House)

Marge
(hears the burp) (*surprised) What on earth was that?

Homer
(Homer's Brain: Play it cool Homer, I can't remember if that was us or not....)
Uhhh........the boy did it!

(In Mr. Burns' Office)

Burns
(hears the burp) (outraged) Good God! Smithers! Remind me to eliminate all of the selling and purchasing of soft drinks and soda pop in our plant. slams fists down onto desk (*yelling) I cannot tolerate the rumble and echoing of a large belch!

Smithers
Yes, sir. I'll tell all the manufacturers that we own to only produce tomato juice and sugar water.

Burns
Excellent.

(At Moe's)

Barney
(hears the burp) Wow! For once, someone has topped me! *burps

(Back at the Church)

Flanders
Whoa there fella! That was one hell of a burp!

Krusty
Hey, I actually feel a lot bett... (*shocked) WHAAAAAAAAAA! Did I just hear you say hell?

Flanders
(*hysterically) Oh no!

*running footsteps

Homer
(*out of breath and excited) Ahhhh Haaaaaaaaaaah! Oh yes!
(singing) Flanders is going to Hell, he's going to Hell, Nananananana! He's gonna burn forever, because he said Hell! Nananananana!

Flanders
(*angry) You'll be there too, Homer.

Homer
Heheheheheh......(pauses)......D'oh!

(Back at Flanders' house)

Flanders
This day is terrible! The boys are scared to death of me and I'm for sure going to hell now! (*snaps fingers as he gets an idea) I know! I'll send Rod and Tod to Maude's parents' house for the weekend to clear my head!

Homer
(peeking in through the window while sipping a can of tomato juice) Best idea I've heard all day!

Flanders
Is that tomato juice?

Homer
(looks at can) HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Flanders and Marge are in the Simpson kitchen, at the table, drinking tea.)

Flanders
Thanks for inviting me over to talk, Marge.

Marge
It's my pleasure Ned, seeing though Homer won't.

Homer
(Yelling from the Living Room)
Will you two SHUT UP! I can't hear what Spongebob and Patrick are saying!

TV-
Spongebob: Hey Patrick, what happened to your pants?
Patrick: I ate them!

Homer
(laughing hysterically) Haaaahahahahahahaaaahaaa! That happens to me ALL the time! Hahahaaaaaaaaaahahhaaaaa!

(Back in the Kitchen)

Flanders
I startled the boys this morning and, well, while they're at their grandparents' house, I want to make it up to them somehow.

Marge
I know, why don't you go get them a gift?

Homer
(pops in and grabs a beer from the fridge) Marge, I thought we had a deal! You stop talking to Flanders and I stop listening to Lisa!

(The refrigerator closes to reveal that Lisa was there the whole time)

Lisa
I'm right here, dad.

Homer
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Marge
Homer, why don't you take Ned down town to one the stores where you buy gifts for the kids.

Homer
Oh, alright. But no Flandering off, Flanders!

Flanders
Okily Dokily!

(Homer and Flanders arrive at the Comic Book Store)

(Still in the car)

Homer
Uh...I'll just be looking around...so, DON'T BOTHER ME!

Flanders
Why, you trying to find something?

Homer
Pfffttt....no! You know how much of a rip off the Comic Book Guy is?

Flanders
Um...No.

Homer
My motto is, if you can't get it for free, it ain't worth getting at all. (sees a sign for My Little Pony comics) Oh my God! My Little Pony comics! (runs out of the car laughing like a little girl) Heeeeheeeeheeeeheeeee!

(Flanders enters the Comic Book Store)

Flanders
Well, hidelly ho there fella. Can you tell me where you keep your religious and non-violent comics? (whispers) I'm trying to be hip and child safe with my kids, if you know what mean.

Comic Book Guy
(sighs) I only have 3, count them 3, religious comic books.

Flanders
That sounds dandy!

CBG
However! One is Christian...

Flanders
Oh, lovely...

CBG
One is Jewish...

Flanders
Well, I guess even they need a laugh...

CBG
And the last one is Muslim.

Flanders
Oh sweet Jesus! (passes out) thump

CBG
Worst. Faint. Ever.

Homer
Ewww...what's that geek Flanders lying on the floor for?

CBG
(sighs) He couldn't handle The Adventures of Captain Taliban.

Homer
What a wuss. But hey, that one and The Rabbi League look great. I'll take them both!

CBG
I'll give you a discount if you buy all three...

Homer
Pfffttt....Bible Dude? Looks like Reverend Lovejoy. And I get enough of him every Sunday!

CBG
Okay, that'll be $300.

Homer
(passes out) louder thump

Flanders
(wakes up) Oucherooni! You still got that Bible Dude comic?

CBG
You betchya!

Flanders
I'll take it!

CBG
75 cents please.

Flanders
Here's a dollar, and you keep the change!

CBG
Thank you!

Flanders
Hey there Homer, you alright?

Homer
Shut up Flanders...hey you could afford those comics?

Flanders
Well, I only bought the Christian one! I wasn't risking an eternity in hell and buying those other little diddlys!

Homer
Haha! You probably paid like, (to himself) let's see, what's double $300, ahhha! $500!

Flanders
No Homer, more like 75 cents.

Homer
You what?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flanders
I guess I got a big diddly bargain!

Homer
Stupid Flanders. Alright, let's go!

(In the car on the way home)

Homer
You know what you need, Flanders?

Flanders
Another hour of praying down at the church?

Homer
No! You need to stop worrying about whether your going to hell or not and get out more!

Flanders
I don't know Homer, I'm not marrying some Vegas floozy again.

Homer
Not that extreme. Just something to get your mind off of church, hell, heaven, and Reverend Lovejoy.

Flanders
I think you're right Homer. I've been stressing out these past few days...

Homer
(under his breath) More like your whole life...

Flanders
What's that?

Homer
Nothing. Continue..

Flanders
And I need to focus on something else. Where are you going, anyway?

Homer
You'll see!

(Homer and Flanders pull up at Moes)

Homer
Hey Moe.

Flanders
Hididdly Ho!

Moe
Heyya Homer...Whoa Whoa Whoa. What did I say about bringing in losers? You brought in Barney one day and BOOM! He's stuck here for life!

Barney
(drunk) Hey! I came here on my own free will! *burps

Moe
Sure, Barn.

Homer
Don't worry Moe, this is a one time thing. I'm just helping out a friend.

Moe
Aww...Homer. That's what I like about you, always helping out your friends.

Barney
Hey, isn't that your neighboor you keep saying you want dea....

Homer
Quiet Barney...heheheh...he's just a little wasted. Pay no attention whatsoever to him.

Flanders
(looks around) So, this is where you hang out?

Homer
Isn't it lovely?

Flanders
(*sarcastic) Oh yeah, beautiful...(takes a big gulp of beer)

(hours go by and Homer and Flanders are drunk)

Homer
Remem...Remember the last time we got this drunk??

Flanders
Oh yeah......what happened?

Homer
That's the thing, I don't remember!

(Both laugh hysterically)

Flanders
Wait, wait! Didn't we marry some girls from Vegas?

Homer
Oh yeah...yours looked like a man!

(Both laugh hysterically)

Moe
Okay, I think you two have had enough. Homer, give me your keys.

Homer
Looks like we're spending the night here, Flanders!

Flanders
I call the bathroom!

Homer
Owww...you suck!

(The Next Morning, Homer wakes up to find Ned nowhere in sight)

Homer
Flanders?!!!
(looks behind the bar) Flanders?!!!
(stick his head in the toilet) Flanders?!!!
Hmmm...I wonder where he could be. Hey, where are my car keys? (realizes what has happened) Uh oh...
(runs outside)
I know, the church!

(Homer runs to the church and finds his car smashed right through it with Flanders knocked out in the drivers seat.)

Homer
Awwwwwwww.....CRAP!
(Homer's Brain: Well, Homer. There's 1 bad thing and 2 good things that has happened.)
Yeah, what?
(Homer's Brain: The car's wrecked.)
That's bad!
(Homer's Brain: The church is destroyed and Flanders is dead.)
Wahoo! No more church! Wait a minute...Flanders is dead. That's not good. I was starting to like him.

(Homer's Brain: Don't worry Homer. This can't be worse than when you got stuck in the elevator with Patti and Selma.)

(Homer remembers being trapped in the elevator w/ Patti and Selma)

Patti
(Looking at Homer) I think I know why we're stuck.

Selma
(laughing) You don't have to tell me twice!

Patti
Whoops! I just remembered, I forgot to take my Gas-x this morning!

Selma
(laughing) Uh oh!

Homer
(Hits all the emergency buttons in the elevator) HAAAA! HAAAA! HAAAA!

(Back to present)

Homer
You're right, it can't!

Flanders
(waking up) Ouch, my head. OH MY GOD, THE CHURCH!

Homer
(*gasps) You're alive!

Flanders
This weekend turned out to be such a waste. Now, I'm gonna go to jail just as soon as Reverend Lovejoy arrives to start this morning's mass.

Homer
Oh really?

(An hour goes by as people start arriving at the church in awe and suprise as they see the wreckage)

Marge
(sees Homer's car with Homer and Flanders standing beside it) Aww...Homer (shakes head)

Lisa
Dad, Mr. Flanders...are you alright?

Bart
Way to go dad! Not only have you managed to get us out of church today, but for months!

Homer
Shup up, boy.

Lovejoy
Oh sweet Jesus. Well, Homer. You got your wish. No church today. And Ned, you're taking this very well.

Marge
He's right, Ned. Are you okay?

Homer
He's just in shock, it'll sink in....

Flanders
(*yells) No! I'm not all right!

Bart
I knew he would crack sooner or later.

(The entire crowd gasps)

Flanders
And you wanna why?

Wiggum
No.

(Everyone turns around and looks at him>)

Wiggum
I mean...yes....please share. I need to write a police report about this.

Flanders
I did it. I got drunk last night with Homer and instead of listening to those around me, I took Homer's car and crashed it into the church.

(The entire crowd erupts in laughter.)

Lovejoy
Good one, Ned. You had me going there for a bit.

Wiggum
Yeah, that was such a good joke, I'm not even gonna arrest and charge Homer for the DUI! (laughs)

Lisa
(whispers to Homer) I know you didn't do it, dad.

Homer
Shhh....wait. How do you know?

Lisa
You wouldn't crash into the church while you were drunk. Alcohol impairs brain function. So, you would have had probably crash into the Pet Store across the street instead of your first target, the church.

Homer
Heheh...you're right. (shakes fist) Those cute little puppies got lucky!

(The Simpson family start walking to the car)

Bart
(laughs) So Homer, how did you get Flanders to try to take the fall?

Homer
I got him drunk!

(Everyone Laughs)

Marge
No really?

Homer
We both got drunk!

(Everyone Laughs)

Marge
(serious) Now since you have no car, no drinking until you save enough money to buy a new one. You can use the money saved from not buying beer.

Homer
Hmmmmmm....????

Marge
Gotchyaaa!

(Everyone Laughs)

(Cuts to Ned in the smashed up church praying)

Flanders
I knew hanging out with Homer was a bad idea.... (coughs up a napkin that says "Moes" on it)



-END-