FicWad

(In the Simpson's house, Homer is running around his and Marge's bedroom in his underwear)

Homer
Marge! I can't find my good pants!

Marge
Did you check the dryer?

Homer
Yeah, but I only found your skimpy short-shorts...(makes sexy growl)

Marge
Homer, did you do your own laundry again?

Homer
I'm a full grown man capable of doing my own laundry thank you very much!

Marge
Homer, you weren't supposed to put your pants in the dryer.

Homer
You have a better way of dryer clothes, bucko?

Marge
It's called a clothes line, Homer.

Homer
(a paused silenced)

Marge
It air dries clothing without heat.

Homer
(blank stare)

Marge
Oh geeze, YOUR PANTS SHRUNK IN THE DRYER HOMER!

Homer
D'oh!

Marge
(groans)

Homer
So how did my pants disappear and get replaced with your shorts?

Marge
Oh for god's sakes!

Homer
Not to worry, I have a stash of back up pants!

Marge
Since when?

Homer
Since I kept having irritable bowels after eating popcorn shrimp.

Marge
Well, hurry up so where not la....

Homer
(Homer is immediately in the already started car) Ready!

(Marge and Homer arrive at a fancy dinner hall)

Marge
Okay, Homer. Remember be on your best behavior.

Homer
Pfffffffffftt....it's only the Power Plant's annual banquet.

Mr. Burns
Welcome, uh....(whispers to Smithers) Who is this goon, Smithers?

Smithers
It's Homer Simpson sir. He's been with us for 9 years.

Mr. Burns
Uh yes, Homer Sampson. Nice to see you.

Homer
Uh, Hello Mr. Burns...

Marge
Good evening.

(Homer and Marge walk to their table)

Mr. Burns
Damnation! Remind me to hold a fitness seminar next week, Smithers. His weight disgusts me.

Smithers
Will do, sir.

Homer
I can't believe he called me Homer Sampson!

Marge
Oh poor Homie. Oooo, here comes the prime rib. That'll take your mind off it!

Homer
I'm way ahead of you....(starts stuffing his face with food followed by a loud burp)

Marge
(sees Homer eating non stop) Uh, Homer. Did you by any chance hear what Mr. Burns said under his breath

while we walked away?

Homer
(with food in his mouth) He said you were fat, right?

Marge
No! He said you were.

Homer
(shocked) Mwaaa? (looks at his plate full of food, then stomach, then plate again) Oh, right.

Marge
Well, are you going to let him say things like that to you?

Homer
(sarcastically) I think it's obvious that I'm NOT!

Marge
(stares at Homer confusingly)

Homer
Meh...I'll get over it. (continues eating)

(The Next Day. Homer is sitting on the couch eating a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs and watching TV)

Homer
Ah, nothing more I love than fresh cooked spaghetti and meatballs while watching my beloved TV.

Marge
(yells from kitchen)
Homer! Have you seen the spaghetti and meatballs I made for my mother's 75th year high school reunion?

Homer
(under his breath) Heheheh, she'll be the only old bat there...(pours the rest of the food into the cushions) No honey, I think the boy took it!


Marge
But Bart's at karate, who, by the way, needs to be picked up now.

Homer
I'm on my way!

Marge
(walks by couch and sniffs) Smells like tomato sauce and pleather. (sees tomato sauce seeping through the cushions) Homer! (groans)


(Bart is waiting to be picked up at his karate class)

Homer
C'mon boy, my ass groove is waiting for me at home.

Bart
Dad, this is my last karate class.

Homer
Wahoo! I mean, awww...I don't have to go all this way and miss my tv shows to pick you up anymore.

Bart
(angry groan) Since it's my last class, we are all going out to...

Homer
(interrupts) Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bart
(continues) A Chinese buffet to celebrate.

Homer
No, we're going home and that's ffff.....

Bart
It's free.

Homer
(already in the car) C'mon boy, we gotta be the first ones there!

(At a local Chinese buffet)

Milhouse
(watching Homer eat) Didn't your dad get thrown out of a buffet before?

Bart
That was an all you can eat seafood place. Completely different.

Milhouse
How so?

Bart
Because, uh, there's a sweatshop in the back with a bunch of slave workers and pandas making food nonstop.

Chinese Waiter
(overheards Bart) Oh no! It's happening!

(A lone panda bear paw breaks through the floor but the waiter slams his boot on it and it goes back into the ground.)

Homer
(at the buffet) Hey! How come no more food's coming out?

Waiter
I'm sorry sir, we are all out.

Homer
All out? And you call this place a buffet. Shame on you!

Nelson
Hey Simpson, your fat dad ate all the food in the restaurant!

Milhouse
Yeah!

Homer
If you don't like it, eat a carrot!

Bart
Dad, you're embarassing me!

Angry Father
You and your 3 stomachs ruined the children's last karate meet!

Ralph
I eat clothes pins!

Karate Instructor
I will now show you my Hong Kong twist

Homer
Mmmm....sounds delicious! Is it some sort of Chinese dessert?

Bart
Dad, run! It's a karate move!

Homer
HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Homer and Bart storm out of the buffet while being chased by the kids, parents, and the instructor)

(Homer and Marge are in bed)

Homer
Oh Marge, everyone's been attacking me for my weight lately.

Marge
Homer you need to learn to stand up for yourself.

Homer
Believe me Marge, I've tried. It just makes people even madder. I'm jsut a big fat screw up who can't come

up with any good comebacks.

Marge
You know what you need, Homie?

Homer
Al Roker's doctor?

Marge
No! You need support. Support from people who face bullying and ridicule just like you.

Homer
No way Marge! I'm usually the one who pokes fun of the mentally challenged, nerds, midgets, the elderly, and

most importantly, those lazy bald fat asses who...

Marge
Homer, that's you.

Homer
D'oh!

(The next morning, Homer's on the computer)

Homer
I can't find a support group on this piece of crap!

Lisa
Why don't you make your own community and invite people to join.

Homer
(sweetly) Shut up Lisa, daddy's meeting strangers online.

Lisa
(brain) Don't worry, by this rate, he'll be dead in 3 years. (out loud, laughs evily) (sighs) I need friends. (walks

away)

Homer
Hmm...maybe that annoying pineapple is right. I need to start my own community and invite people to join.

But I have to think of an original name. (snaps fingers) I got it! Springfield's Biggest...and Fattest! Now to

wait and see who joins!

(The Next Day, Homer returns to the computer)

Homer
Hey! How come no one join?

Lisa
Did you invite anyone?

Homer
Uh, if I say I don't know anyone, does it still mean no?

Lisa
Okay, so you don't have anyone in mind. All you have to do is advertise your community and people will see

it.

Homer
I just sent it to Google!

Lisa
Wow, you did that all by yourself?

Homer
Lisa, I lack brain power, not common sense! Now how come when I type all the letters are capitols?

(Cut to the Comic Book Guy at his computer)

Comic Book Guy
(looking at porn) Seen her before, boobs too small, too tall, too Asian, that's a dude...ugh, what am I doing with my life? I am so bored with this internet thing! Google...(types)Fat Man Seeking Friends. And what's this?
reads) Springfield's Biggest...and Fattest. Hmmm...not usually my forte, but I will not let you down Jabba the Hut! (clicks join button) JOIN!

(Cuts to Police Chief Wiggum in his office)

Lou
Chief, I think you've had enough donuts. Take it easy!

Wiggum
Don't tell me to take it easy! (starts throwing donuts at Lou and Eddie)

Eddie
(walks in) He ate too many donuts again?

Lou
(dodges donuts) Yeah, almost 3 dozen minus the ones he's throwing.

Eddie
Look out! (runs out of the room)

Lou
Careful Chief, that one had jelly in it! (runs out)

Wiggum
(pants) No one understands me and my eating problem. (goes on the computer) Maybe some internet friends will help me. (types) Pathetic Obese Friends. (reads) Hey, a match! And it's from Springfield!

(Cuts back to the Simpson House with Lisa on the computer)

Lisa
Hey dad! You have over 50 members in your internet community!

Homer
Really?

Bart
HAHAHA! I can't believe you started your own little group for fat people.

Homer
Shut up boy. (pushes Lisa out of the way)

Lisa
Hey!

Homer
Now, I'm gonna send a message to all of my new fat friends telling them that we're going to meet here tomorrow night!

Bart
Wait a minute! I'm not letting a bunch of hippos in here to eat all of my food!

Homer
I'm way ahead of you boy! I'm sending your mother and Lisa out tonight to the 39 cent store to buy some cheap snacks. Fat people are willing to eat anything!

Bart
You should know!

Homer
Why you little! (chokes Bart)

(The following night, the entire house is filled with Springfielders Comic Book Guy, Wiggum, Utter, Barney,

Fat Tony, Krusty, and other large citizens.)

Comic Book Guy
(eating snacks)
Cheapest. Food. Ever.......BUT I approve, since it's free.

Wiggum
Any donuts?

Barney
(burps)

Homer
Quiet everyone! Welcome to the first meeting of Springfield's Biggest...and Fattest!

Everyone
Yeah, Woohhoooo!

Homer
Uh...sooo..um.....uh....

Krusty
What the hell was the point of coming here?

Barney
Yeah

(the crowd starts yelling)

Homer
It's because, we all need to stand up for each other when people make fun of us for our weight.

Utter
Children at school pick on my fat belly and lure me into janitor's closets with chocolate.

(crowd starts in)

Homer
Don't worry little German kid, I'll partner you up with...uh...Barney! Yeah, Barney so he can defend you at

school!

Wiggum
What about the rest of us?

Homer
Okay, Wiggum you and Fat Tony can be buddies and Comic Book Guy and Krusty can partner up. And....

(minutes go by)

Homer
And that should be it!

Barney
What about you, Homer?

Homer
Oh yeah, I'll just hang out with whoever because I'm in charge around here.

(the crowd mutters)

Homer
Since we're through with that, our second order of business will come tomorrow night. See you all then.

Comic Book Guy
(shoves snacks into pants)

Homer
Hey, no stealing snacks!

Comic Book Guy
Ugh...(pulls one out of his crotch)

Homer
Nevermind, you keep it.

(The song, "I'll be There For you" aka the Friends theme is played while these clips are shown:

-Utter is chasing after a piece of chocolate attatched to a piece of string being pulled down a hallway by a

group of kids. Barney goes in there faces and burps, causing them to be blown away. Utter and Barney look at

each other and smile.

-Wiggum goes to the donut shop but as soon as he walks in, the cashier puts a 'We're Closed' sign up. We

then see a gun go up to the cashier's head and it's revealed to be Fat Tony's hand. The cashier then puts up a

'Free Donuts' sign and it cuts to Fat Tony and Wiggum laughing and eating donuts together.

-A random fat woman goes to a strip club but stops when she's sees a "No Fat Chicks" sign and turns around. But her random fat friend erases the 'C' in the sign making it read "No Fat Hicks" then we see three fat hillbillies drop there heads and cry.

(Cuts to the Simpsons family eating dinner)

Bart
Wow dad, you really got something going this time.

Marge
I'm so proud of you Homie. And to think, I gave you the idea and nothing has turned out bad!

Homer
Yet, anyways...

Marge
What was that?

Homer
I just meant that, there are still good things to come!

Lisa
So, what's the meeting tonight for?

Homer
I'm planning on holding a protest in from of City Hall so Quimby can make a law prohibiting prejudice against the obese!

Marge
I think I spoke too soon!

Lisa
Dad, I think you're taking this too far.

Homer
You're one to talk, Little Miss I Need to Have My Opinion Heard 24/7!

Lisa
(gasps) Dad!

Marge
Homer!

Bart
Awesome Dad! The first person ever brave enough to tell Lisa to shut it!

Homer
I'm sick of everyone standing in my way! To the meeting, boy!

Bart
The meeting's here, Homer.

Homer
Okay...to the Living Room!!

(The living room where the crowd it)

Wiggum
So we're going to hold a protest? Isn't that a little too risky? I mean, (laughs) I'm a cop...and...

Homer
What idiot let this cop in the club?

Everyone
You did!

Homer
Oh right...

Selma
How is this going to work, anyhow?

Patti
Yeah, won't skinny people just hate us more?

Homer
How the hell did you two join?

Patti
We fit the description of what it said on the website.

Selma
Fat, hairy, occasional body odor from constant sweating, and a scary appearance.

Homer
To City Hall!

(At City Hall)

Homer
(out of a mega-phone)
We fat Springfielders want equal rights, equal rights even though we may carry the weight of 2, 3, or even 4 people combined!

Krusty
No more buying 2 seats on airplanes!

Everyone
Yeah! (shouts)

Barney
Bigger barstools!

Everyone
Yeah! (shouts)

Comic Book Guy
No more getting stuck between esculators!

(Everyone stares)

Comic Book Guy
Uh...They need to make them wider!

Everyone
Yeah! (shouts)

Wiggum
No more people not letting me on an elevator when there's at least room for 6 more!

Everyone
Yeah! (shouts)

Homer
Then let's get Quimby to hear it!

Randy Jackson
What's with all the shoutin, dawgs?

Barney
Oh my God! It's Al Roker!

Randy Jackson
Wow, you guys are both fat and stupid.

Barney
And drunk! (burps)

Homer
Hey, that's no way to talk to...and weren't you fat before?

Randy Jackson
First of all, I'm Randy Jackson. Not Al Roker.

(The Angry Crowd stares blankly)

Randy Jackson
From the hit TV show, American Idol.

(The Angry Crowd stares blankly)

Randy Jackson
It's on FOX.

(The Angry Crowd stares blankly)

Randy Jackson
Simon Cowell, you know, the mean one.

(The crowd reacts with cheering and "oh yeahs" showing how they now recognize him)

Randy Jackson
I heard about your community online while I was searching for a new job...uh, pretend you didn't hear that..and, anyways, came across your site.

Homer
You wanna join?

Randy Jackson
Good God, no!

Homer
Oh, so you're one of "those" people. Have nothing else better to laugh at than my overeating and the grotesque noises I make while doing so! Well, do your worst!

Randy Jackson
No, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to tell you all that I got every single one of you free liposuction!

Homer
Wahoo! Screw all of you fatsos! I'm gonna be thin! (Throws mega-phone and it hits Hans Moleman)

Moleman
I just pretended to be fat to get friends. (gets hit)

(Inside City Hall)

Quimby
So the plan worked. Getting Randy Jackson here to get all of them liposuction and to shut up will get all of our restaraunts back in, eh, business.

Body Guard
Who's paying for all of this?

Quimby
Oh crap.

(4 months later)

Homer
(the same size)
Lousy liposuction. No wonder it was free.

Marge
No one told you to go to the party afterwards to eat all those free snacks!

Homer
But Marge, it was free!

Bart
Weren't those the same snacks we bought from the 39 cent store to feed all of your buddies from the club?

(Back at City Hall, Quimby's office)

Quimby
I knew that snack food company would pay us millions to give those cows free snacks with that new, secret ingredient.

Body Guard
And now they can't stop eating them.

Quimby
Thanks to that new special ingredient, I can't stop eating them either! (munch, munch)