Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Wonderwall
Title: "I'm Not Okay" - My Chemical Romance
As an anxious week slowly slipped by, I began to think that maybe I rushed things. I really could not help it, however. Every time I thought about the night I slept with Ryan, it sent shivers up my spine and rush of wetness to my crotch. Like a movie, the scene just played repeatedly in my mind and the more I thought about it, the more beautiful the scene became. Ryan had every opening to treat me like shit, to call me names and get nasty with me, but he didn't. As far as one-night stands go, he had manners down to a science, which in turn, only made me want him more.
I couldn't really just call him the next day either, the goodbye was awkward enough, but I yearned for the feeling of his hair brushing against my shoulders as he leaned down to kiss my breasts, the feeling of his hands running up and down my thighs and he kissed my lips tenderly, then rough.
"Tinsley?" the voice snapped me out of my daydream. I remembered I was in the middle of getting ready for a show when Ryan interrupted my progress, as he had all week. Hazel was standing above me, looking at me funny. "You have the goofiest smile on your face." She laughed. I glared at her and gave her the finger.
"Classy." She added, still laughing. "Come on, we have a show to do." She turned on her heel and left. I stood up and pulled my boots on as I looked at myself in the mirror. I'm a confident girl, comfortable in my own skin, but at that exact moment, I suddenly got the urge to put on my jeans, get on a bus and go to Ryan's house...wherever that may be. Music suddenly began blaring through the building and I knew it was time to put on the show.
Three numbers into the show and I had temporarily forgotten about that boy. What was his name? It was my turn to do my solo, ("Out Tonight" from RENT), so I strutted out on stage as the song started and the girls and I began to dance. I turned around ready to start singing when I saw them. Ryan, another kid from the band and a few people I didn't recognize. They were all laughing...and I froze. For the first time ever I felt exposed. I suddenly began to feel like everyone was staring at every flaw on my skin, they must be laughing at me. The music continued on as the girls pretended like nothing was wrong. Shit, there was going to be hell to pay for this later. I shot a glance at Hazel who immediately picked up in the song and did my part. Partly embarrassed, I carefully walked off stage, beginning to feel my eyes stinging. I hadn't cried in so long and suddenly I found myself feeling insecure. What had this guy done to me? I've had one night stands show up at shows before and it only made it all the more fun for me, but I couldn't help but feel wrong about this. Why the hell were they laughing?
"Tinsley, what the fuck is going on? You almost just fucked up the whole number." I heard my boss begin screaming at me. I put my head in my hands and sunk to the floor as I began to sob. Kneeling in the middle of the hallway and began to feel helpless. Why could no one understand this?
"What's the matter?" her voice got quieter. My whole body heaved this time with a heavy cry as I stood up and wiped my eyes.
"I just don't feel good, Shelly." I explained to my boss. "I need to have a night off." I explained. She smiled at me. Shelly is like a mother figure to me. She is strong, independent and sexy as hell. A true woman.
"Whoever it is, girl. He's not worth your tears. Save them for your wedding day when they're happy ones." She told me with a squeezy hug and walked away.
****************************
I woke up with a start as my phone began blaring. I looked at my clock and saw it was 3am. I came home, showered and fell asleep immediately with my towel still on. All I felt was the need to stop thinking, so I went to bed. My contacts were sticking in an odd place on my eyes, she I stared at my phone; it was hard to concentrate on. Then the name surfaced: RYAN. I sat straight up, my damp towel slowly peeling from my back as I gulped, heavily debating with my sleep-bogged brain whether or not to answer. Then the ringing stopped. I sighed, I should've fucking answered. Suddenly the phone let me know I had a new voicemail and my stomach did a back flip as I suddenly felt the urge to vomit. I swallowed it down, but it came right back up, with force. Naked, I sprinted towards my bathroom and collapsed at the base of the toilet as my stomach emptied its contents. My phone continued its voicemail call as another wave of nausea came over me and I hugged the toilet.
Gasping for proper air, I leaned back against the wall as I grasped my phone. I flipped it open and pressed listen:
"Hey...um, this is Ryan. I just wanted to let you know how gorgeous you looked tonight, for the little time I saw you and I wanted to make sure that you were okay, because you exited pretty quickly. Um...yeah, so...just call me I guess. See you."
My stomach did another flip as I heard the voicemail and I immediately felt embarrassed. I couldn't call him back now; he must have thought I was insane, the way I bolted off that stage tonight. I really wished he would have heard me sing, too. I'm such a baby. I took in a deep breath, as my stomach acid finally seemed to calm. I stood up on shaky legs and brushed my teeth. I quickly threw on a pair of sweats and a crappy shirt and crawled back in bed, hoping I wasn't sick and that it was just nerves or I just ate some bad food...
"Ryan?" I whispered as I let out a soft moan in his ear that made him shiver. "What are we doing?" I asked him. He began to kiss my lips again. In between kisses, "Just let go. It's okay. We're here for each other right now." I exhaled softly and continued to kiss his lips. He kissed me roughly...
************************
I woke up the next day and didn't feel any better. The moment I became conscience, my stomach began to do back flips as I once again scrambled to get to the toilet on time. Shit, fuck. I wonder what I ate that's making me so fucking sick?
"Are you okay? I heard you yakking last night, but i just couldn't get out of bed." Hazel said as she came down to breakfast. I shook my head as I wearily ate some cheerios.
"I think I ate some bad food last night, before the show, that's why I had to run." Hazel smirked.
"Yeah, or maybe it was because Ryan was there? I'm not stupid, I saw him. What makes him so different from anyone else?" I sighed; I had been doing that a lot lately.
"I don't know. He has some weird effect on me. He called me last night; I didn't answer it, though."
"Why not? He was probably just calling to tell you what a freak you are anyway. By the way, you look like shit. You should probably see a doctor."
I glared at her carefully. That was a pretty big fuck you, Tinsley.
"He actually left a message and told me that I looked beautiful last night...or was it gorgeous? Whatever, and he wanted to make sure that I was okay since I just ran off stage." So there, bitch. She huffed.
"Whatever. Look, go to a doctor before you get the whole troop sick. We can't all afford to look like shit." And she stormed out the front door. I gagged on my cereal. UGH! I just wanted to eat. I felt like my stomach was beginning to reject me. At every slight turn of emotion, at every morsel of food I put in my mouth, my stomach just didn't want to have it.
As an anxious week slowly slipped by, I began to think that maybe I rushed things. I really could not help it, however. Every time I thought about the night I slept with Ryan, it sent shivers up my spine and rush of wetness to my crotch. Like a movie, the scene just played repeatedly in my mind and the more I thought about it, the more beautiful the scene became. Ryan had every opening to treat me like shit, to call me names and get nasty with me, but he didn't. As far as one-night stands go, he had manners down to a science, which in turn, only made me want him more.
I couldn't really just call him the next day either, the goodbye was awkward enough, but I yearned for the feeling of his hair brushing against my shoulders as he leaned down to kiss my breasts, the feeling of his hands running up and down my thighs and he kissed my lips tenderly, then rough.
"Tinsley?" the voice snapped me out of my daydream. I remembered I was in the middle of getting ready for a show when Ryan interrupted my progress, as he had all week. Hazel was standing above me, looking at me funny. "You have the goofiest smile on your face." She laughed. I glared at her and gave her the finger.
"Classy." She added, still laughing. "Come on, we have a show to do." She turned on her heel and left. I stood up and pulled my boots on as I looked at myself in the mirror. I'm a confident girl, comfortable in my own skin, but at that exact moment, I suddenly got the urge to put on my jeans, get on a bus and go to Ryan's house...wherever that may be. Music suddenly began blaring through the building and I knew it was time to put on the show.
Three numbers into the show and I had temporarily forgotten about that boy. What was his name? It was my turn to do my solo, ("Out Tonight" from RENT), so I strutted out on stage as the song started and the girls and I began to dance. I turned around ready to start singing when I saw them. Ryan, another kid from the band and a few people I didn't recognize. They were all laughing...and I froze. For the first time ever I felt exposed. I suddenly began to feel like everyone was staring at every flaw on my skin, they must be laughing at me. The music continued on as the girls pretended like nothing was wrong. Shit, there was going to be hell to pay for this later. I shot a glance at Hazel who immediately picked up in the song and did my part. Partly embarrassed, I carefully walked off stage, beginning to feel my eyes stinging. I hadn't cried in so long and suddenly I found myself feeling insecure. What had this guy done to me? I've had one night stands show up at shows before and it only made it all the more fun for me, but I couldn't help but feel wrong about this. Why the hell were they laughing?
"Tinsley, what the fuck is going on? You almost just fucked up the whole number." I heard my boss begin screaming at me. I put my head in my hands and sunk to the floor as I began to sob. Kneeling in the middle of the hallway and began to feel helpless. Why could no one understand this?
"What's the matter?" her voice got quieter. My whole body heaved this time with a heavy cry as I stood up and wiped my eyes.
"I just don't feel good, Shelly." I explained to my boss. "I need to have a night off." I explained. She smiled at me. Shelly is like a mother figure to me. She is strong, independent and sexy as hell. A true woman.
"Whoever it is, girl. He's not worth your tears. Save them for your wedding day when they're happy ones." She told me with a squeezy hug and walked away.
****************************
I woke up with a start as my phone began blaring. I looked at my clock and saw it was 3am. I came home, showered and fell asleep immediately with my towel still on. All I felt was the need to stop thinking, so I went to bed. My contacts were sticking in an odd place on my eyes, she I stared at my phone; it was hard to concentrate on. Then the name surfaced: RYAN. I sat straight up, my damp towel slowly peeling from my back as I gulped, heavily debating with my sleep-bogged brain whether or not to answer. Then the ringing stopped. I sighed, I should've fucking answered. Suddenly the phone let me know I had a new voicemail and my stomach did a back flip as I suddenly felt the urge to vomit. I swallowed it down, but it came right back up, with force. Naked, I sprinted towards my bathroom and collapsed at the base of the toilet as my stomach emptied its contents. My phone continued its voicemail call as another wave of nausea came over me and I hugged the toilet.
Gasping for proper air, I leaned back against the wall as I grasped my phone. I flipped it open and pressed listen:
"Hey...um, this is Ryan. I just wanted to let you know how gorgeous you looked tonight, for the little time I saw you and I wanted to make sure that you were okay, because you exited pretty quickly. Um...yeah, so...just call me I guess. See you."
My stomach did another flip as I heard the voicemail and I immediately felt embarrassed. I couldn't call him back now; he must have thought I was insane, the way I bolted off that stage tonight. I really wished he would have heard me sing, too. I'm such a baby. I took in a deep breath, as my stomach acid finally seemed to calm. I stood up on shaky legs and brushed my teeth. I quickly threw on a pair of sweats and a crappy shirt and crawled back in bed, hoping I wasn't sick and that it was just nerves or I just ate some bad food...
"Ryan?" I whispered as I let out a soft moan in his ear that made him shiver. "What are we doing?" I asked him. He began to kiss my lips again. In between kisses, "Just let go. It's okay. We're here for each other right now." I exhaled softly and continued to kiss his lips. He kissed me roughly...
************************
I woke up the next day and didn't feel any better. The moment I became conscience, my stomach began to do back flips as I once again scrambled to get to the toilet on time. Shit, fuck. I wonder what I ate that's making me so fucking sick?
"Are you okay? I heard you yakking last night, but i just couldn't get out of bed." Hazel said as she came down to breakfast. I shook my head as I wearily ate some cheerios.
"I think I ate some bad food last night, before the show, that's why I had to run." Hazel smirked.
"Yeah, or maybe it was because Ryan was there? I'm not stupid, I saw him. What makes him so different from anyone else?" I sighed; I had been doing that a lot lately.
"I don't know. He has some weird effect on me. He called me last night; I didn't answer it, though."
"Why not? He was probably just calling to tell you what a freak you are anyway. By the way, you look like shit. You should probably see a doctor."
I glared at her carefully. That was a pretty big fuck you, Tinsley.
"He actually left a message and told me that I looked beautiful last night...or was it gorgeous? Whatever, and he wanted to make sure that I was okay since I just ran off stage." So there, bitch. She huffed.
"Whatever. Look, go to a doctor before you get the whole troop sick. We can't all afford to look like shit." And she stormed out the front door. I gagged on my cereal. UGH! I just wanted to eat. I felt like my stomach was beginning to reject me. At every slight turn of emotion, at every morsel of food I put in my mouth, my stomach just didn't want to have it.
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