FicWad

Frank It became a thing.

It happened a lot where I would insist that I was cold and Gerard would let me lay with him. I was trying to make it not as obvious as it was that I just wanted to touch him. I probably should be praising myself for it, I haven't been able to allow such human contact in what felt like forever.

Though I was kicking myself because I had to lie about being cold to get the cute boy’s attention.

It was weird how much I wanted him to be touching me, my own mother couldn't get close enough to touch me anymore and I've known her forever.

I've only been in this shitty place for probably around three months and I was allowing a weird kid with faded red hair and brown-ish, black roots hanging down from the top that dresses in crazy clothes that popped out in a crowd, to hold me and touch me whenever he pleases and there's no problem with it.

I think it was because he was slow and gentle and willing to take his time with me. Nobody else understood that I physically couldn't be touched or feel okay. Gerard gets it.

To an extent.

I still wasn't really talking about anything, I was just pushing myself to be better so I could leave and not be stuck here without Gerard.

He had relapsed a few times and I'm sure that's the only reason that he's even still here. He's better. Mostly.

Today was a really nice day, so, sick of staring at the blank walls, I went to the courtyard to get some fresh air.

I lay out on the pavement, staring up at the sky. I had been out here for a couple of hours now and I was honestly so much happier. The bright colors of outside were something I actually, surprisingly, missed.

I hear somebody clear their throat in an accusing manner, to which, I look in the direction of the sound. Gerard is stood, not far from me, arms crossed.

“Hey.” I give a little wave and turn back to the sky.

“Don't you ‘Hey’ me! I couldn't find you and was worried sick.” He lays next to me.

“Oh, sorry, you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you.” I say sheepishly.

“It's fine.” He hums and bumps his head against my shoulder, “I just got nervous.”

“Why do you care, Gerard?” I don’t mean for it to sound so harsh, I genuinely just want to know. He looks at me weird, confused by the sudden forcefulness of my voice as I had to shove the words past my lips.

“Well, because you’re my friend. If anything, you’re my… My… Um… Best friend…?” He trails, worried that I would think poorly of this statement.

“You’re my best friend too.” I don’t know why it stings me to let the words be free.

“Good.” He mumbles, his hand brushing against my hand and making my stomach fill with butterflies.

“But… I don’t get it.” I shake my head.

“Don’t get what?” Gerard scrunches his brow.

“Why do you care about a loser like me? Why do you like being around me?” I shake my head, “I don’t get why anybody would ever care about some kid who can’t get over stupid shit from the past.” A loud breath runs over my lips.

“I care because you’re amazing, Frank. You’re proud of me. Nobody has ever been proud of me and nobody gets me like you. There’s just something about you that’s so captivating…” He seems to drift away into thought in the end.

I sit up, “Why though? Why, Gerard? I’m fucked up! I self-harm and relive the abuse and relive the rape and the words and the touching and yelling and-... and… Why, Gerard? Why?” I feel tears starting to run down my cheeks.

A hand rests on my back, “I care about you because you’re better than all of that, you are the greatest person ever.” He places an arm over my shoulders, “You’re getting better.”

I lean my head on him, “Am I really?” I close my eyes, “Will I ever really be better, Gerard?”

“You will, I can promise you that.”

|||

They released Gerard and I was alone yet again. I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, I hadn’t given him my number or my email or my anything and now I knew I wouldn’t be able to find him again.

I feel my heart ache, my chest is tight and my eyes sting.

I start to realize that whatever I felt towards him wasn’t what I thought it was originally and whatever it really was, I didn’t want to feel. I wasn’t ready.

I couldn’t even tell Gerard why I hurt so much all the time. I couldn’t let him help.

“I’m in love with him.” My voice comes out so soft but booms throughout the too-silent room. I didn’t even want to think it, let alone say it, but I couldn’t stop, “I love him… I love him and I love him so much… I fucked up and I-... I lost him.”

I slam my palm to my forehead as the waves of tears run down my face.

“Damn it, damn it, / damn it! /” I shout at myself and pull my pillow over my face. It smelled vaguely of him.

I cough and cough and cough, which forces me to sit up.

This is the worst day of my life.

Minus those memories.

|||

I closed myself off to most, only speaking to my therapists and doctors, not to anybody that I didn’t have to. I had finally found something that made me want to open up and get better but now there was no point. My life was always going to be shit.

I couldn’t get a job because I had a mental breakdown and I had panic attacks and flashbacks and couldn’t talk to people. I lived with my mother who couldn’t help me anymore because of how severe my condition had gotten. I was better off just staying in here forever.

This is until I get a new roommate after about three weeks.

It was so sudden, they came in and told me to clear out the other bed, I would be getting a new roommate as of today in approximately four hours.

I take my time, slowly and lazily moving my things over to my side of my room. I told them I didn’t want a roommate but apparently they were giving me one to make me open up again. That’s what my therapist said during my session at least.

I shuffle my way back to my room and toss open the door with a sad frown plastered to my face. I toss some papers on a chair near the door, on top of a bigger stack of pages. I sigh as I stare at them for a second before turning to climb into my bed, where I planned to sleep forever.

“Miss me?” A voice chimes just as I make eye contact with the owner.

There sits a tired and pale, yet alive, Gerard.

“Gee!?” I gasp, “Oh my god, Gee!” I throw myself onto him and he pulls his arms around me, they’re bandaged.

“Hey, you really need to give me your number this time.” He squeezes me against me, gripping my shirt.

“Why are you back?” I look up at him, “Oh, Gee… Did you relapse?” It hurts to think that he would feel bad enough about himself to.

“Be proud, I didn’t relapse!” He cheers, “Though I did take roughly forty sleeping pills and cut myself up and burned myself a bit and scratched… A lot.” He gives a ‘/ whoops’ /-like half-frown-half-smile.

“Gee…” My voice falls, “Why?”

“‘Cause I missed you.” He jokes and I roll my eyes at him, “Fine… I was treated like shit. ‘/ You can’t eat that, you’ll get fat again ’, ‘ I think you were better off vomiting everything back up, look at what you eat! It’s healthier to have an eating disorder /’ and so on and so on.” He mumbles and my heart breaks.

“I missed you a lot but I really would rather you have been okay than have come back.” I bring a hand up to his hair, twirling it around my fingers. It was bright red once again.

“Trust me, I don’t want to be back either. I’m just glad you’ll be here with me.” He ruffles my black locks.

My face is pressed into his chest, “I love you.” I say so soft that even I can’t hear it.

“I won’t leave you here this time.”