FicWad

Chapter 3: Sora Must Die

Gravity, what a joke. Falling in darkness started out like, barely even remotely scary, like totally a fraction of scary, but then it had to turn into a slow-mo ordeal, as if Sora was sinking straight into a pool of gelatin. Honestly, he'd prefer that since his earlier shenanigans caused him to skip breakfast. So much for the most important meal of the day, screw it.

Sora continued to sink in nothingness until he felt his bare feet hit a flat surface. Briefly looking down, Sora guessed he was standing on an invisible floor. It didn't matter. All Sora wanted to know was…

"What's a guy gotta do to get some bottoms around here?" he asked no one in particular.

Gradually the black abyss changed into more familiar scenery: he saw countless crystal spires of purples and blues littering a cavernous ceiling, which hung over black boulders as well as hills of gray sand. The area he occupied was almost too large to take in, but Sora wasn't terribly interested in seeing the sights, anyway.

Walking forward, Sora scratched the back of his neck and bared indifference to his own dilemma, "Guess I'm in the nicer part of town."

Suddenly, a column of light descended in that certain part of "town" in front of Sora, revealing a floating pair of trousers, perfect for his size.

Noticing the pair belonged to his Kingdom Hearts III outfit, he snapped his fingers and said, "Nice work. Now what about the rest?"

Sora didn't waste any time back-flipping into his new pants, glad to have some protection for his balls against the darkness. And just when he began wondering where the pair had come from, a chilling voice resonated throughout the cavern.

"…Sora…"

Summoning his Keyblade, Sora replied to the familiar voice, "That'd be me. And you are?"

A crackling noise echoed from the ceiling, telling Sora to dodge to the side. There, he watched a cache of crystal spires shatter into the ground. Noticing the crystals had been melted off the ceiling, Sora already knew the identity of his would-be attacker.

"Heh," Sora started, "For once, can you just bring good news?"

A portal of super-dark darkness opened twenty feet in front of the Keyblader. A hooded man exited the swirling mess of murky pudding, dropping his hood to reveal one pissed-off Xemnas.

Slinging his Keyblade over the shoulder, Sora quipped, "Long time no see. You missed one crazy party last night…but I guess you were too busy."

The silver-haired super-villain eyed Sora with acidic yellow irises. In his slow drawl, Xemnas delivered three threatening words:

"You…must die."

With a single chuckle, Sora pointed out, "Look where we are. I'd say we're both dead already."

"You laugh in the face of your own demise," Xemnas began, talking slow as almighty fuck, "yet you do not realize the devil you've awakened!"

Still sensing Aqua's light somewhere in the Dark World, Sora jested, "Well technically, Aqua's the one who woke me up, but go on."

Summoning both ethereal blades to his hands, Xemnas bellowed, "You slept with the wrong woman, Sora! That woman with the blue hair…she was special to me. And you knew of our connection, so you chose to tarnish it!"

Holding up a defensive hand, Sora frowned and stated, "I'm guessing this is about the 'misunderstanding' Quasi probably posted on Kupo+. Am I right?" Sora only received more of the same death stare, so he continued, "Take it from me, Final Boss Man. We didn't do anything but get drunk, go skinny-dipping, and play with a tube of super-glue. It's actually a funny, semi-kinky story—"

"The alcohol!" Xemnas interjected. "How did you obtain it being only fifteen years of age?"

"Dude, I was at a party," Sora answered, slowly meandering back and forth at a safe distance. "Quasimodo or Sam or somebody else must've brought extra bottles." That somebody else was Aqua.

"When the Squeenix authorities here of what you've done, you will not see the light of day until Kingdom Hearts III comes out!"

Furrowing his brow, Sora blurted out, "Wait a minute, rewind me—why do you care? If anyone should be pissed off, it's Terra."

Xemnas' anger intensified. "Fool! Have you forgotten that I pretty much am Terra?! The man who is also connected to Aqua?! What, are you too dense to see that? Consider these words Terra's very own: you have made a huge mistake."

"Well, thanks for the update." Sora stopped pacing around slowly and looked his accuser dead in the eyes. "So is this gonna turn into a death match? Or am I free to find a way outta this purgatory?"

Just then, another portal of darkness appeared next to Xemnas. Ansem, Seeker of Darkness (aka Terra-nort's Heartless) presented himself as the newcomer.

"We were thinking more like a 'Boss Rush'," Ansem responded brazenly. "Consider it an after-party, if you will."

Contradicting his (false) Nobody-traits, Xemnas began spilling his guts, "You and I were in the same boat, Sora. All that was needed was more development to the plot, and we could've had it all. Fame, power, the women of our dreams. But you sullied any chance of that with your impetuousness!"

Finally taking a serious tone, Sora pointed his Kingdom Key at Xemnas, stating, "I didn't put my junk inside Aqua! That's the truth."

Ansem interjected, "But you have lain with her. In the nude. That is more than enough to incriminate the both of you."

Sora glared, ready to start this fight already. "Whatever. Let's settle this."

Ansem again replied, "You said it yourself, Sora. We are not the ones who should be 'pissed off'."

Sora's Spidey senses were tingling. Something deadly was approaching him from behind, and it was coming fast. Channeling all his energy into an evasive back-flip, Sora watched in midair as a spinning Keyblade passed beneath him. The trouble was, he recognized that Keyblade. It was Ends of the Earth.

Landing with a dumbfounded look, Sora could only say, "Ah, shit."

Before the Keyblade could hit Xemnas or Ansem, it dissipated and returned to the user's hand. Sora turned around and tried his best to sound good-natured, "Just the man I was looking for! And here I was, telling these two buzzkills about a crazy party…"

Draped in shadow, the mysterious Keyblader sauntered closer to the trio, walking within inches of Sora's shirtless form.

"Sora…" Terra started, breathing all hard like a predator. Then, all of a sudden, "What you did was totally insensitive. I know you and I aren't the best of friends, and I know my boss fight is cheap as hell in Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix, but I still feel a little betrayed, here. And yeah, I heard you say you two were just being naked and stuff, but just imagine if I was the one naked with Kairi. How would that make you feel?"

"Uh…" Sora quickly caught his breath. "Well, first off, thanks for nearly killing me with a Strike Raid earlier. Second, I honestly don't know how I'd feel if you woke up naked with Kairi and got that shit all over social media like my situation. If you haven't noticed, Kairi and I hardly speak anymore. She's with another guy right now, and I'll admit, when I first heard about that, I was a little on edge. Like those two clowns behind me."

"Dick," Ansem spat.

Sora went on, "Kairi…she used to mean so much to me. I do miss her, but now that she's convinced herself she's all grown up, waving yellow flags at people, I guess we've just grown apart over the years. And…about Aqua. I think she really misses you, too. That's the only reason I can think of for why she tried hooking up with me so hard last night. And this morning, too. Sheesh, she was horny…"

Terra was in deep thought. Scratching his chin, he simply uttered, "Hm."

"And listen," Sora added. "If I said anything that offended you earlier, trust me, I was just trying to egg on Ansem and Xemnas. You know I respect you way more than that, Terra-Dactyl."

"Thanks, Bro-ra," Terra replied. Smiling, he observed, "Isn't life confusing? One minute you're preparing for Kingdom Hearts III, the next you're stabbing Sora with a Keyblade."

"I know right—er, what?"

With no time to react, Sora was treated to an immense amount of pain as Ends of the Earth (that's a huge freakin' Keyblade, by the way) was plunged directly into Sora's abdomen. Now, in Sora's time, he hadn't been stabbed directly by a ton of Keyblades. Sure, he's taken some nicks and scratches here and there, but never truly stabbed by one (save the one time in Kingdom Hearts One, but that was barely leaving the tip in). Swirling particles of light began spilling from the point of entry and exit wound, indicating death was around the corner for Sora.

"Yikes," said Sora, limiting all movement.

Dialing his tone into more angry territory, Terra shrieked, "Just because your girl is out dating a Turk doesn't mean you get to see mine naked!"

Suddenly, a girl's voice called from a hill behind them, "And since when am I your girl, again?"

Sighing, Terra was clearly unprepared for this turn of events. He cursed lowly, "Fuckin'…dammit."

"Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" chanted Ansem, finding some excitement in the female Keyblader's reentrance.

Twiddling his thumbs, Xemnas darted his eyes to every part of the dark cavern except Aqua's position. He mumbled, "Oh, my. She's still…without attire."

"And I'm pretty freakin' cold here, too!" Aqua announced, holding a clenched fist in one hand and boobs in the other. "You let Sora go, Terra!"

"Have it your way," Terra conceded, ripping his weapon from Sora's body. As Sora fell to the ground in a heap, Terra gave his scathing proposal, "The both of you can freeze here for all I care!"

With a look of regret, Aqua found difficulty in admitting to the vengeful men down below, "Terra, I was just trying to hurt you, and I know that was wrong. But this is exactly what I wanted to happen! I've never once heard you say that I'm your girlfriend, and it took a scandal like this one to finally pull that out of you! So can we please just forget this ever happened?"

Slinging his Keyblade over the shoulder like a macho man, Terra faced away and declined, "No can do, baby doll. I'm off to go get even by screwing some other slut-bucket. Adios, baby-back-bitch."

Playing the devil's advocate, Ansem suggested, "You should take Kairi's virginity. I hear Rude is too much of a wuss to do it himself, anyway."

Terra retorted, "That girl ain't a virgin."

Ansem shrugged. "Born again? Still, you should do it."

Xemnas opened a dark portal, prompting their departure. "We must go."

Following his darker counterparts into the portal, Terra bid his farewell, "Good luck finding a way out."

Aqua skipped down the hill, but was unable to catch up to the closing portal. Coming to Sora's aid, she knelt beside him and asked, "How are you holding up?"

Feeling more light particles gush out of him, he strove to crack a joke here, "Well, at least my hangover's gone. Mind throwing a healing spell my way?"

Touching his wound, Aqua noted, "This looks bad, Sora. Like, cutscene-bad. I might not be able to heal it properly."

"I figured this would happen," Standing to his feet, Sora brushed it off as if he wasn't mortally wounded. "No worries. Now let's find a way outta here."

"Have you forgotten where we are?" Aqua asked hopelessly. "Once you're trapped in the Realm of Darkness there's no escape without outside help. We're just gonna have to wait for Terra to get over himself and rescue us."

Scoffing, Sora accurately inferred, "You heard the man. He said he was out to get a revenge lay. And since this is Terra we're talking about, that could take an eternity. And don't forget, time moves all screwy here in the Zone of Dankness. It could take him two seconds to get laid but a million years to return here. Face it, we were on our own the moment we fell in their trap."

"No…" Shaking her head in denial, Aqua told herself, "Terra would never leave us for dead!"

"Look at the facts," said Sora. "He left you here naked and freezing after stabbing me with a Keyblade. Guy's a loose cannon." Seeing he'd demoralized the still-nude Keyblade Master, Sora stressed, "We'd better move forward and hope for the best, hearts being our guiding key and all."

"Right…" Aqua whispered, following Sora's lead.

Relenting a bit, Sora still had an ace up his sleeve. "Looking on the bright side, we still have a way out." During the brief time he'd acquired his new pants, Sora felt a familiar jingling in his pockets. That meant whoever retrieved his pants had obviously forgotten to remove their last hope of escape. Whipping out his Gummi Ship keys, Sora smirked and said, "I sure hope parking's free."

-X-

"Reno, quit stalling already! Now can you help me out or what?" Rude was practically begging at this point.

"Sheesh, Rude, you know you owe me big time for this!" Reno replied from the other line. "Tell me, does Kairi need a phoenix down, or is she, like, cutscene-unconscious?"

"Definitely cutscene-unconscious," Rude answered, glancing back at his almost-dead date. She lay unconscious on the streets of Haven City, well within view of the citizens passing by. Noticing Kairi stir a bit, Rude reported, "She's also still alive, so give me credit for that at least."

"You're lucky Sora and Riku don't come kick your ass, Rude-dude!" Reno stated. "Hell, I might just kick your ass for the hell of it. You know that girl's like a sister to me, and I'm not just saying that because we both have red hair!"

"I wouldn't trust this with anyone else but you, Re-bro," Rude coaxed. "Now promise me you won't tip anyone off!"

Sighing loudly, Reno agreed, "I won't make a peep. Now hang tight 'til I get there."

"You rock," Rude concluded, hanging up his cellular device. Looking back at Kairi, he muttered irritably, "All you had to do was take the gun and start shooting. What kinda girl doesn't like playing with guns?" Still carrying his one-on-none conversation, Rude continued, "Heck, I'll admit even I don't prefer using guns. I'm a fisticuffs kinda guy myself, but still. Hopefully you're conscious enough to practice shooting a pistol when Reno gets here."

Just then, Vaan from Final Fantasy XII passed by. Hanging out in his usual relaxed attire and demeanor, he commented, "Man this place is dead as f—huh?"

Looking up but not recognizing the sky pirate, Rude barked, "Get lost, nothin' to see here."

"Not from where I'm standing," Vaan said, seeing up Kairi's dress. "Don't you think you should get her somewhere safe?"

Rude shooed, "Listen, shirt-vest, I've got things handled. Now beat it."

Sighing, Vaan scratched his neck and observed, "You're not from around here, are you? In fact, I know you aren't. You've got five seconds to tell me why Princess Kairi is possibly roofied on the street, and also why you're just waiting around for something wicked to happen."

"You got the wrong idea, pal!" Rude pointed out commandingly. "She and I just had a little mishap—one that wrecked my second favorite car and almost shattered my sunglasses. I have a backup pair, but still, I care about the ones I'm wearing, too. And tell me how you know who she is!"

"Hello!" Vaan chimed. "I live at Square Enix HQ like you do! I'm the main, humble protagonist from Final Fantasy XII, you dolt!"

"Twelve? Didn't they skip that one?" Rude questioned.

There was an awkward pause.

"Okay, now I'm definitely handling this!" Vaan declared, puffing out his chest.

"Oh, no you don't!" Rude defied, standing between Kairi and the approaching Dalmascan.

A street brawl broke out—Rude throwing the first punch. Vaan must've taken boxing classes because he dodged that shit like the new Assassin's Creed game. Retaliating with a bob and a left hook, Vaan grinned as his first attack made contact with Rude's jaw.

"Damn, that sounded like it hurt!" Vaan taunted, though a little too soon.

Quickly recovering, Rude jumped and landed an overhead kick into Vaan's midsection, sending the youngster skidding into the ground.

Now it was Rude's turn to taunt. "Next time, mind your own business."

No sooner after Rude said that had Vaan majestically flipped back to his feet. He replied, "Unconscious hot chicks are my business!"

Lowering his defense briefly, Rude interrogated, "What are you, some kind of sex-pervert?"

No skin off Vaan's nose. "For that babe, I could be!"

"Oh, you're going down!"

Rude and Vaan locked arms like a couple of angry wrestlers. Quickly taking the upper hand in strength, Rude rocked his opponent to the side before tossing him into a parked car. That's when he ran up on Vaan again, also standing him up for a heavy punch aimed at the head; Vaan was once again too fast for that nonsense. He swayed leftward, allowing Rude's hand to dent the car before dropkicking the Turk in the chest, knocking him down to the pavement.

Meanwhile, two onlookers, long-eared citizens of that world, casually commentated over the fight, "I think the bald one's some kinda secret service agent."

The other guy added, "The dude who looks like a chick is definitely the better fighter. You think they're fighting over that girl on the ground?"

Nodding, the first guy said, "Gotta be. Hey, I can totally see up her dress, by the way."

"Me too," guy-number-two affirmed. "Also, how come their ears are so tiny and rounded?"

Shaking his head, the first guy guessed, "They must be freaks from another dimension or some crap. C'mon, we should go get camera phones so we can post stuff like this on social media."

"Smart man."

Back to the fight, Vaan had taken the upper hand after Rude had fallen, raining countless blows over the man's sunglasses, which didn't break. Growling in frustration, Vaan forcefully removed the accessory and attempted breaking them by hand. Damn things wouldn't budge, so he threw them to the ground and tried stamping them out.

Still not broken.

"Screw it, he's already beat!" Vaan shouted. Indeed, Rude was defeated, groaning in agony while Vaan dashed over to Kairi.

Lifting her up fireman-style, Vaan began making his escape back to the Galbana. "Don't worry, Princess! I'm getting your gorgeous ass outta here!" Whiffing her perfume, Vaan muttered, "Damn, that's pleasant."