FicWad

A/N: Riku swears like a sailor.

Chapter 4: Sora's Rage's Awakening

Kissing all five digits, Riku gave his compliments to the sandwich specialist down at the Sandwich Shop. We're talking pepperoni, salami, banana peppers, a keen slab of honey mustard…

"That's it, I'm calling it—the rest of my free points are going directly to oral orgasms at least once a day, especially after Sora held my Sandwich card hostage," Riku declared, grinning skyward as he exited the Sandwich Shop.

Strutting down the paved pathway of Squeenix's luxurious promenade, Riku soaked in the sunrays and tried not to think about Sora plowing Aqua first from the front, then from the side, flipping it over to doggie-style, and finally finishing within—

Just then, a call from Tidus alerted Riku's phone.

Tapping the green prompt, Riku was subject to the following, "Dude, dude, dude—please tell me ya saw what's got Kupo+ going absolutely apeshit right now!"

"Yeah, you bet I did!" Riku practically screeched into his phone. "That little weasel actually got himself laid—again!"

Tidus' voice revealed an unbridled amount of enthusiasm mixed with pride for his old island pal, nearly breaking into tears over the phone, "Dude…Aqua's tits resembled the most well-deserved, hard-fought-for trophies in Sora's hands—and they'd both say 'MVP'!"

"Tell me about," Riku replied, putting Tidus on speaker mode so he could freely pull up the spicy pic once more. "Honestly, I haven't been able to stop looking at it all morning, like, not even during my sandwich time."

"Speaking of that, do you still have free points on your sandwich card?" Tidus asked out of the blue.

Eyes darting from side to side, Riku flat out lied, "Nah, man. I'm all out."

"Fuck you! I know you're lying just 'cuz you don't want to share, you selfish prick!"

"Fuck off and get your own points, you leeching fuckin' leech!" Riku spat. Getting back to the larger matter, Riku affirmed, "Anyway, we definitely gotta corner this hound dog Sora and get the full story. This shit is out-fucking-rageous."

"Shyeah, you're telling me" Tidus agreed. "Honestly, I'm happy for the guy, but who knows what Terra's gonna think."

"Tch. I know for a fact Sora isn't worried about jack-shit. Especially if he woke up with Aqua's magic tits in his face. Ah, man…good thing I've got a few slut-buckets lined up today otherwise I'd implode from all this jealousy."

"Riku, you sorry ass man-whore. Unlike you, I'm already halfway—er, two thirds of the way through my first lay-of-the-day right now!"

Brushing off Tidus' power move, Riku laughed and deduced, "Well, give Yuna a wink and a butt squeeze for me. I think we both know that's how she likes it."

Riku heard a girl's acute moaning on the other end.

Tidus returned with stammering, "Uh…krshhh…I think I'm breaking up krshhh…must be a krshhh…bad connection or something."

Riku rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Get a new phone, will ya?"

"Sure thing, dickweed. After this, I'm off to go screw one of your bimbos anyway."

"Not if she's already sucking my—"

Suddenly, a red Gummi Ship emerged from the nearby parking garage's interior, booming like thunder from the entrance. Soaring across the promenade, the Gummi Ship knocked over a trash can and lamppost before tearing into the sky, leaving behind twin trails of smoke.

Riku had been standing at a safe distance but was still close enough to see that the Gummi Ship was unmanned.

"Okay, so that was weird," the silver-haired Keyblader started.

"The fuck happened? You get killed?" Tidus asked.

"No, dumbass. One of the Gummi Ships just took off all on its own. And…and I think it belonged to Sora!" Riku snapped his fingers. "Yeah, it had to be Sora's! I don't know anyone else besides me and him who's got that remote control setup in their ships. And it for damn sure wasn't my ride. Mine's baby blue, baby!"

Tidus took the opportunity to heckle his friend, "Well, good fuckin' work detective. Maybe you should follow his ship to see where it goes?"

"Pfft, yeah right!" Riku jested. "Guy's probably tryna show off for Aqua. You know he likes to go all out for his own bucket o' slut-chicks."

Fake sniffling over the phone, Tidus said, "Aw man, our little Sora's all grown up, plowing hot chicks and taking 'em out for joyrides. So uh, do you think Kairi's available?"

Shaking his head, Riku said, "Nah, she's with Rude. I'd pull that one in my sleep, but that'd be overkill at this point."

"Hah! You're a fuckin' troll, dude."

"Sticks and stones. Now hang up before ya bust a nut too quickly."

-X-

Now that all that's out the way, let's continue with Sora's stent in the Realm of Darkness. The young Keyblade Master (sort-of) was pacing back and forth in the same cavernous area, every now and then checking the radar affixed to his set of car keys.

Noticing the two blips inching closer by the minute, Sora said, "So here's the good news: my ship's on the way."

"And the bad?" Aqua asked, seated on a rock.

"Nothing bad, really. Except it's going to take about an hour."

Cheering up, Aqua said, "Hey, that's better than nothing."

"Hm." This wasn't making any sense. There they were, waiting in the Realm of Darkness, a hope of escape on its way, and Aqua was still nowhere in sight. Assuredly, Sora never let go of searching for her presence, which approached slowly by the minute, but he couldn't shake the feeling Aqua should have arrived already. But still, they had an hour, and that's more than enough leisure time to solve the current issue at hand. Confused? Stay tuned.

"So I was thinking—"

"Well, this is fucked up," Sora suddenly cut Aqua off. "I hope Aqua's not running into too much trouble without me. You don't think she got lost, do you?" He looked back at Aqua while asking this weird ass question.

"Uh…are you on anything, Sora?" Aqua asked, eyes bugging out in a way that turned her face slightly purple.

"Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Sora pointed his Keyblade at the unarmed girl.

"Wh-what—?"

"One hour? As if! Knowing her, she'd take a whole hour and a half just to actually get here. Something about this told me I'd be driving her around like a chauffeur. Just my luck…"

Aqua, still sitting with her legs crossed, looked paranoid in all directions as some of her blue strands turned white. "Sora, what the hell are you prattling about? I'm right here!"

"Well, here's to hoping they were serious about that boss rush." Concluding his outburst with the usual savagery, Sora aimed Kingdom Key and fired swiftly, "Light."

Instantaneously, a beam of light exploded forth, piercing the creature formerly known as Aqua. With a sickening scream, it showed its true form before Sora, morphing into the portly and purple sea witch from that mermaid movie which spawned a level in the third game totally dedicated to pressing "X" while the characters sang for you. Fuck, that level was annoying but at least you didn't actually have to struggle with underwater combat like in the first game. Hallelujah.

Anyway, Sora kept his distance while the sea witch grimaced at her demise. Watching her dissolve into darkness or whatever, Sora casually spun his Keyblade like a basketball on his fingertip.

"But how?!" it shrieked, tentacles flailing about.

"You might've forgotten, but Aqua's a warrior of light," Sora stated, "which I didn't sense coming from you in the slightest. Also," fanning his nose, he quipped, "that stench is pretty insulting to the disguise."

Eyes glaring red, Ursula shrieked, "Why you—!"

Another light beam shot from Kingdom Key, landing directly in the sea witch's forehead. This time, the creature reacted with total combustion to the projectile, no longer an obstacle in Sora's path.

Slinging his Keyblade over his shoulder, Sora paused briefly to look godlike with his glowing-white Keyblade-scar. Where's a photographer when you need one? Grunting, he called out, "You'd better watch yourself, Aqua! Things are getting REAL ugly over here on my end!"

Way over in some other part of Dark Narnia, Aqua was still trudging along, covered in evidence of a previous scuffle with Heartless. Sweating, breathing heavily, and still naked as all fuck, Aqua remarked to herself, "I forgot…these Heartless have the home court advantage. I gotta stay on my toes or else I'm done for."

Looking towards the dark, distant horizon, Aqua mused, "Please don't be dead, Sora."

-X-

Kairi stirred awake, eyes opening in slow motion. She didn't quite know her location just yet, but so far, it was nothing short of amazing. As far as her arms could reach she felt what had to be the material of Chocobo orgasms. She eyed silky red pillows, deducing they were made of satin or some other soft crap that felt like heaven to her lazy ass.

The room she awoke in was lofty with various artworks and wall ornaments, complementing the Victorian era furniture scattered about. Wide windows to the outside world poured in sunlight, a stark contrast to the dark metro that had seen her fall unconscious…

"Holy shit, where am I?" Kairi exclaimed. Shooting up out of bed, which she noticed was heart-shaped and sporting rose petals, Kairi ventured towards one of the windows to find clouds among skies of deep blue without a single piece of land in sight.

"Oh shit, am I dead?" Kairi asked. She searched her pockets before whipping out the yellow flag once more, surmising these kinds of items would be contraband in the afterlife. Creeping over to the room's only closed door, Kairi propped her head against it and listened to the sound of civilization coming from the other side.

With a twist of the knob, Kairi emerged from the room into a bustling, square-shaped courtyard of some sort. What tied the scene together was the spectacular glass hull overhead. It fully encompassed the area while offering a million-dollar view of the bright blue skies. About the size of a football field, the courtyard contained sizable walk-in shops affixed to all four corners. Kairi scanned the area and noticed her room (with the heart-shaped bed) was situated between two of those shops.

"What in the world is this place?" Kairi asked, walking toward the center. The center of the courtyard was home to a water fountain structure built amid a glass floor. Strolling past the edifice, Kairi whistled casually and tried to resist the urge to go shopping. That's when her money pouch began growling within her pocket.

"Must not spend cash, must not spend cash…" Kairi chanted to soothe her rabid purse-monster.

"Hey you!" one of the normal people shouted, approaching the out-of-place redhead.

Turning to face the young man in sky-pirate's clothing, Kairi figured she looked a mess. She did just wake up from a nap caused by a car accident thanks to her dumbass boyfriend, afterall. "Um, yeah what's up?"

Approaching with an overly aggressive tone, the young man addressed her, "You're Kairi or something, right?"

Crossing her arms, she countered, "Yeah, and you are?"

Actually cracking a smile, the man commented, "Now, that's a first! Not a lot of people ask who I am. I…" Pausing for dramatic effect should only be done by certain people. "…Am called Tomaj."

Getting more creeped out by the second, Kairi said, "Okeydokey, Tomaj. Where am I?"

"You, my insightful friend, are aboard the sky-ship known as Galbana!" Tomaj answered with a grin.

"Girl-banana?"

"Close enough!" Tomaj explained, "You see, our pilot Vaan found you unconscious in that backwater world with all the elf people. He figured you were in serious trouble and brought you up here with the rest of the crew."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Kairi said, "Thank God for Vaan. Guess that means I owe him one."

Gesturing toward the courtyard's north catwalk, Tomaj replied, "Follow me. You can thank him personally."

Feeling uncomfortable, Kairi asked, "Ah shit, I don't have to give him a lap dance or anything like that, do I?

"Um…no. Unless you want to."

Shrugging, Kairi replied, "I'll pass."

Heading for the Galbana's bridge with the princess in tow, Tomaj also brought up, "Yeah, and about that heart-shaped bed—"

"Yeah seriously, what the fuck? I woke up feeling like an over-priced prostitute."

"Sorry about that, uh…That's where Vaan and a few others take their, ahem, guests during a long voyage and whatnot—but don't worry, I washed the sheets right before you were placed there!"

Speaking logically, Kairi stated, "Well one, I don't even believe you washed your own ass, let alone the bed, and two, I'm already picturing you screwing some nasty gutter tramp right where I just had my face. Ugh, I think I had my mouth open, too."

Feeling a little insulted, Tomaj said, "On second thought, I think a lap dance might be in order. Just FYI."

They reached the bridge, home to a bunch of generic-looking machinery and a cockpit up front. Entering said cockpit, Kairi and Tomaj were greeted by the back of Vaan's head as he freely piloted the controls.

"Vaan, the maan!" Tomaj addressed his pilot. "I have a guest for ya!"

Spinning around one-eighty degrees with a box of condoms in his lap, Vaan saw Kairi and immediately looked disappointed. Glaring at Tomaj, he scolded him, "Dude, I thought you meant something else when you said 'guest'!"

Kairi crossed her arms impatiently. Meanwhile, Tomaj responded, "But Vaan, I figured you'd wanna make sure she was okay. You did rescue her after all."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right," Vaan said, throwing his box of condoms into a nearby cabinet. "Anyway, what's new, Kairi-doo?"

Clearing her throat, Kairi cordially told the sky-pirate, "Well, I just wanted to thank you for rescuing me from that bad situation you found me in. I get the feeling Rude wasn't too pleased with you taking his date away."

Crossing his arms in a cocky manner, Vaan said, "Oh, the bald guy? Yeah, he thought he had things handled, but I showed him the right way to treat a beautiful lady."

"Well, he was kind of an idiot for street racing with bloodthirsty hooligans. Speaking of Rude, what happened to him?"

"Had to kick his ass, he was asking for it," Vaan waved off. "Meaning I ditched him in that backwater city."

That seemed harsh to Kairi. "Geez, Vaan. Did you really have to do that?"

"Look, he's a Turk. Turks watch out for each other, so clearly he's got backup coming. And if I'm not mistaken, isn't it against Squeenix's rules for underage cast members to venture this far away from home?"

Busted, Kairi glowered away and retorted, "Do you hafta ask?"

"Don't worry, Princess K-to-the-Razy, your secret's safe with me!"

Suddenly, Tomaj shrieked, "Aw, dude! What are you doing? We could've got a free lap dance!"

Shaking her head, Kairi remarked, "You need to go hit up a strip club big time, pal."

Standing to his feet, Vaan changed the subject, "How's about I show you around the Galbana? There's tons to see and do aboard this beauty!"

Taking her shrug as a yes, Vaan ushered the princess back to the ship's bridge and gestured toward Tomaj's Notice Board on the left. "Here's where Tomaj writes down all of his homosexual feelings about me and the crew—"

BANG!

The entire sky-ship shook from some sort of heavy impact, throwing almost everyone off balance.

"Fuckin' shit!" Vaan swore. "I forgot to put the ship on autopilot!"

Kairi, still woozy from her nap, lost her footing and fell her ass overboard. "AAAAAAH!"

"Oh, that's not good," Tomaj uttered.

Vaan insisted, "It's okay! The glass hull should catch her!"

Both men peeked over the edge of the bridge to find a Kairi-shaped hole in the glass hull, all but solidifying newfound peril for the girl.

"Welp, she's dead," Vaan stated.

"Jesus, how much does she weigh?" Tomaj questioned.

"She's about as light as she looks, so we're definitely talkin' featherweight," Vaan explained. "But I'm guessing it was her tough-girl persona that shattered the glass."

"That's what we're telling the cops, right?"

-X-

A/N: Yeah, that fan art is coming slow...but still coming. Stay tuned!