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ACT TWO.

INT. FREDDY'S APARTMENT – DAY

TITLE CARD: THE APARTMENT

Freddy looks at two huge duffle bags taking up the limited floor space in the living room of his tiny apartment. David enters from the other room. His phone goes off, but he silences it after a glance.

FREDDY

How's it coming?

DAVID

Okay, considering I'm basically moving into the broom closet.

FREDDY

Sorry. It's Cambridge.

DAVID

I thought you were supposed to be some fancy college professor.

FREDDY

Adjunct. That's French for glorified babysitter.

DAVID

Hm. Well, luckily I don't have a ton of stuff. Everything ought to fit. Except…

He goes back into the hall briefly, then returns dragging BRODY, a moth-eaten taxidermy black bear on its hind legs. Freddy looks on in dismay.

DAVID

He's going to have to live out here.

FREDDY

Did you really have to drag that thing all the way from New Haven?

DAVID

Hey, no way was I going to leave Brody behind. Do you know how many rounds of beer pong I had to power through to win him? Besides, he's good luck.

David rubs Brody the bear's nose.

FREDDY

Good luck, huh? He must have been sick the day you got suspended.

DAVID

Oh, yeah? What about the day I got to town? The barista at the corner Starbucks showed me all her tattoos.

FREDDY

All of them?

DAVID

You should try Brody sometime. Something tells me you haven't gotten lucky in a while.

FREDDY

Ha, ha.

David shrugs and goes back for a moment in his bag. While he's not looking, Freddy reaches out and rubs Brody's nose.

FREDDY

Well, I guess we can hang our coats on him! So, anyway, I've been thinking about your situation, and I think I've got some ideas.

DAVID

Do you, now?

FREDDY

The first step is writing a good solid letter of apology to the administration— accepting responsibility, apologizing, demonstrating what you've learned, that sort of thing. Convince them you're still their kind of man!

DAVID

Am I their kind of man?

FREDDY

Don't get down on yourself! Did you know Yale only accepts 6.27 percent of its applicants? Of course, given the quality of Yale men, makes you wonder just who it is they're rejecting. Uh— present company excepted!

DAVID

Whatever.

FREDDY

And you are the child of a fairly important alumnus— don't discount that! It may not the be the worst idea to get Uncle Niles involved. He can make an impassioned plea, or a phone call… or another donation. A generous, generous donation. They have to take you back if there's a building named after you!

DAVID

Crawling back to Dad. Yeah, I would definitely hear the end of that at some point in my life.

FREDDY

Good point. But it's the Ivy League, David, it can open doors for the future.

DAVID

Like it did for you?

FREDDY

Uh, well— I just mean, it marks you as the best of the best!

DAVID

Even after pulling something like this?

FREDDY

Oh, their students have done way worse! Remember those frat boys who ran around chanting "no means yes, yes means anal"?

DAVID

Wow. Thanks, Freddy, but I think I need to take a break from it for a bit, before I tell my folks and start killing myself to solve it. Can we just let it drop for a little while?

FREDDY

Oh— well, I suppose that's understandable. In that case… we're cousins, and we're going to be roommates for a while. Let's the two of us just— as they say —hang.

He drops down onto the couch and looks expectantly at David. David returns to unpacking.

FREDDY

Oh, come on, it's been years, we ought to get to know each other again. Let's have a conversation!

DAVID

About what? If you want to know what I think of the latest production at the Opera House, you're out of luck, I'm afraid I'm more of a ballet man.

FREDDY

Shows what you know, the Boston Ballet is at the Opera House! Don't worry, we can talk about whatever you want to talk about! Like… cars. Or… video games. Or whatever's going on with the various sports balls. I respect your interests!

DAVID

Oh, yeah. I got that from how you said "sports balls."

FREDDY

Cut me some slack! Last time I saw you, you were playing Pokemon in your Batman underwear.

DAVID

Well, I just took the gym on the corner, but now I prefer boxer briefs.

FREDDY

See, I'm getting to know you better already. Come on, if you're going to stay here, we shouldn't be complete strangers.

Beat. Freddy stands.

FREDDY

Listen, I'll go first. I know you're going through a difficult time right now— struggles with direction, at a crucial juncture in the journey from child to manhood. But I want you to know I'm here for you. I find your coming to me for help to be in no way a burden; on the contrary, I consider it a real honor. Therefore, I welcome you with non-judgmental support and hope I can play some small part in helping you find your way back to your path.

David stares at him until Freddy feels awkward.

FREDDY

Also… how about them Red Sox? Are they bums this year or what?

David sighs.

DAVID

Look, Freddy. I know having me here is a pain in your ass, and you're just doing it because you feel sorry for me. But I'm just grateful for the crash space. You don't have to be my pity friend.

FREDDY

It's not pity, David, I—

DAVID

Don't worry about it. I'll stay out of your hair, and you won't have to pretend to be my buddy.

David's phone rings again, but he silences it a second time.

FREDDY

Again? Who keeps calling you?

DAVID

Nobody. Look, I'm going out. I'll catch you later, cuz.

FREDDY

Okay, sure. Whatever you want.

David leaves the apartment. Freddy sits back down on the couch, way more disappointed than he expected to be. He looks over at the stuffed bear.

FREDDY

Don't look at me like that. You're a glorified coatrack.