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Present Day - 2018


Click. Click. Click.

The sound of the mouse was resounding into Cathleen’s ear.

There was a flicker on the screen. There were the two opened emails from Althea Guevarra.
The two emails that dragged her to pit of the emotional abyss she is in, one email was asking if she could be there at the Seattle Art Museum – that email felt like a slight twist to the heart.

But it was the first email that was the cause of the pandemonium in her, it stirred her soul, scalded her heart with both fury and sorrow. As if there was a phantom with it ---shoving and forcing her to look back again. As if dragging her to each step she walked in – in the years they stayed together.

The email jolted her into a maze within her as she tracked back her relationship with Althea Gueverra. The three years they spent together. The three years she believed they loved each other. The email dragged her into scattered flashes in her mind and heart – as if she suddenly had to hear her laughter again, feel her kisses again, know her smell again, wipe her tears again, shudder with her body again, yell at her again, remain silent beside her again, fall asleep beside her all over again… and most of all, what continuously shattered her is –
to say goodbye to her all over again…

She read the email once more as the cursor was flashing before her.

Click. Click.

“Dear Cathleen,

I am not sure how to start emails like this. I am sorry this is coming in this email form. I have no other way of contacting you. I tried your phone number and it was disconnected.

Sinubukan ko rin mga accounts mo sa social media at mukhang hindi ko na ito makikita pa.

Marami na ako kinausap pero mukhang wala naman may alam kung paano ka ma-contact. Or it is possible they just do not want me to have that contact information, and I do not blame them at all.
Would it be mean of me to ask if you are fine? Kamusta ka? Mukhang matutuloy na ang exhibit mo sa Seattle Art Museum and I am very, very happy for you. Genuinely happy for you.

Pero hindi ako nagsusulat ng email na ito para mangamusta lang.

I will be straight to the point. This may sound selfish and inappropriate. I just want you to know that I am really sorry. I am sorry for all the pain that I have put you through. I am sorry for all the unanswered questions. I am sorry for all the time you may have cried and my unclear picture of the goodbye.

But I want to also want to ask, why did you run away? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you tell me the truth?

I am a woman who will always figure things out. Alam mo yun tungkol saakin.I knew there was something that was not right noong umalis ka lang for the US.

Mark recovered that video from the camera that night during the exhibit. You saw me and Jade. I get it. But why did you hide that? Why did you have to use the US? Bakit hindi mo man lang sinabi saakin kung ano talaga ang nangyari? Why did you choose not to fight it? Why did you choose to break yourself in the process?

I am so sorry I put you through so much pain. I am sorry you had to see that. But I also want to know why did we get to this point?

Kakapalan ko mukha ko. I want to talk to you. Is there a way that we can talk? Can I see you? Can I call you?

Whatever your decision may be I will respect it.

I am looking forward to your reply.

Regards,
Althea G.


----
When Cathleen read that part of the email – she swore her heart stopped.

Even until this day – she feels a stab in her throat as she reads through it. It just leaves her to those last days.


____

January 2018. The Last Days.

Althea and Miggy got back home to the apartment around midnight. Both were exhausted. Miggy was taking off his necktie by the time he walked in plopping it on the sala couch. Althea had a bouquet of pink and yellow tulips as she walked frantically worried about Cathleen. She had a plastic bag full of aspirin and Paracetemol from Mercury Drug. She looked tousled, her hair in a bit of a mess and her gown dress already had little spark sequins falling to the floor.

Cathleen never answered their phone calls but they did receive one text message that she left in their group message.

“Umuwi ako maaga. Masama pakiramdam ko. Thanks for organizing the event."

“Miggy, maligo ka na- at saka wag mo nga iiwan iwan yung necktie mo diyan. Hirap na hirap si Cathleen magayos ng mga gamit sa bahay,e. May maid ka ba? Genie? Ayusin mo yan,” Althea exclaimed to her son, a bit miffed.

Althea quietly went upstairs towards their Master’s bedroom. The ceiling fan was on and the room was lit by Cathleen’s iridescent lamp. Cathleen was weird about putting some glow in the dark stickers of cheap stars on their ceiling. It was a gift for Miggy but she also wanted to scatter some in her room with Althea.

Althea walked to the dark room and there she was- Cathleen who only had a blanket wrapped around her. Her hair was wet like as she just got out of the shower. She only had a small canvas this time, she was just playing with watercolor. She was just mixing a bunch of hues and colors together. It looked like it was a quick, simple self-portrait.

Lenny Kravitz’s “It Ain’t til It’s Over” was playing inside their room. The same song that was played when they first met.


Althea quickly ran towards Cathleen, placing her palm on her skin, checking her forehead and the temperature on her neck.

“Are you ok? Wala ka naman atang lagnat,” Althea whispered.
“I probably ate something funny… everything just hurt all of a sudden,” Cathleen explained, her voice weak.

“Masakit pa ba?” Althea asked.

Cathleen smiled faintly and did not speak a word. Her eyes were reddened from crying just hours before. She looked at her quick self-portrait as she added blues into the painting.
“Have you been crying?” Althea was concerned. Her fingers tracing Cathleen’s face as she suddenly cupped it in her palms.
Cathleen saw the flowers that Althea placed on the bed, she laughed weakly.

“You know I am not much of a flowers person but thank you,” she smiled at Althea, lost in the eyes of the raven haired girl. The same glimmer. The same big eyes. The tinge of sadness. The sudden flicker of naughtiness. The way it disappears when she smiles. The child-like bewilderment.

God, she was going to miss that.

“Babe, bakit ka ganyan tumingin saakin?” Althea asked.

Cathleen looked away as she blankly stared at her canvas, she almost had a lazy approach to her. Almost spiritless as she dragged the paintbrush on the wet canvas.

Althea sat there perplexed, now really wondering if her girlfriend was sick.

“Remember the first time we slept together,” Cathleen said smiling as she raised her eyebrows.

“Sino naman makakalimot nun?”

“God, I was so dead on not liking you. But I do not know, man. You are something else. I cannot believe we went from painting to that.”

Althea had a naughty smile on her face as she reminisced. Cathleen gazed at that signature Guevarra smile. A disarming smile she was carrying right at the moment and again, Cathleen felt the jolt in her heart as if it was that first night at the Prohibition Bar once again. It has been almost three years and Althea still gave her that same kilig surge. This gave her a mix of dread.


“You broke all my rules,” Cathleen said as she gave her girlfriend a furtive glance.

Cathleen always had a mental checklist for her ideal partners. No ex baggage. Not really into Filipinas. No baduy personalities. No one with anger problems. No bad drunks. No children.

And yet she broke all those promises she made for herself. Althea had baggage but she decided to carry it with her. Althea had Miggy and she loved him like her own son.

Althea was the worst match for her but something ignited in Cathleen to keep falling for her.

Like a match lighting up in an immense fire. An intense kind of love she chose. It always felt compelling. It always felt visceral like something that clung to her veins and seeped into her heart.

And even right now as she felt the dread of what she faced with Althea and their future- It was still visceral. She still continued to feel all that for her. The match still ignited and the fire still was so vast.

She was not hearing Althea as she talked to her about her painting.

It was as if all Cathleen can do is watch her. Observe her. Drink her in. Consume her. Before the dread will spread through her.

She dreaded it so deep in her heart. Knowing what Althea chose. Knowing she was not the one that ignited something in Althea’s heart. Cathleen was not visceral. Cathleen was not the one who was sprawled upon her soul. She was the choice but not because her heart said so.

Cathleen was chosen because merely because she was only the given option. The one that made sense.

Cathleen felt spiritless, like she has lost all the fight in her. Like a gut punch to her core when she learned the reality that her girlfriend never felt the same way for her.

Althea was animated as she showed her photos from the event, going from photo to photo; telling her story after story.

“I like this photo of us,” Althea smiled as she showed a photo of Cathleen and her laughing. Their eyes both disappearing and their faces red from the hilarity.

Cathleen nodded while she continued to just paint. What she really wanted to do was lash out at Althea. Fight her --- fight for her. Yell at her, thrash at her for not loving her, in spite of all the years together.

“Ok ka lang?” Althea asked again, checking her forehead again as if she had a fever.

But Cathleen was tired. Cathleen was weary from being the strong woman… for once she just wanted to be the weak one this time, for once she just wanted to succumb to defeat.

“Does this self-portrait look like me,” Cathleen asked Althea, smiling at her.

“Oo pero bakit ang lungkot dalhin?”

Althea’s hand crawled towards her hand. Cathleen felt herself inhale as if it hurt to even touch her right at that moment.

“Babe, hello! Ano ka ba? You just had a great exhibit… pero kung maka-arte ka diyan parang sira tiyan mo. Kumain ka na naman ba ng yogurt?”


Cathleen stared at Althea blankly. As if not hearing anything she was saying.

“Hello? Babe?”

And before Althea knew it, she felt the coldness splat on her face. Blue paint was splattered on her face.

Althea was wiping her face as she heard Cathleen laughing.

“Ah ganun ah!” Althea exclaimed while she threw glops of paint on the side and also spread it all over Cathleen’s face.

The laughter from Cathleen got louder and so Althea joined her in with the hysteria. Tickling Cathleen and putting more blue paint on her neck.

Cathleen was wheezing covering her mouth from laughing endlessly. She threw her head back from giggling. They looked like children that had no care for the world.

“Eto, eto – sige ka, sige ka… dami pa ako, lagyan pa kita,” Althea said chuckling.

“Halika nga rito, Miss Dubois! Nakakagigil ka,e!”

She slowly cupped Cathleen’s face, her girlfriend was still snickering non-stop--- but then what Althea noticed had her eyes widening in concern.

Underneath all the laughter, she saw Cathleen’s eyes. Glistening, a lustrous light from her eyes- it was her tears, Althea thought.

Cathleen was crying while she tried to cover it with laughter.

“Hoy…shhh… bakit ka umiiyak?”

Cathleen’s fingers slowly crawled to Althea’s forehead to her nose.

“Wala ‘to. Thank you sa exhibit. I am just overwhelmed- I am just overwhelmed sa lahat kaya I just had to cry a little,” she smiled.

Althea furrowed her eyebrows but before she could speak, Cathleen’s warm lips were already on her mouth. She was pulling on to Althea’s short hair as they kissed frantically as if their breaths depended on it. Althea felt the warm tears drop to her cheek, she wanted to kiss away the tears so she deepened her kiss.

The two of them kissed passionately but Althea was getting overwhelmed with Cathleen’s kisses. It was hungrier almost like the first night they spent together. Her face was wet from the tears as Althea trailed her lips on her cheek.

Cathleen then ventured to press her lips against Althea’s neck, delivering messy kisses to her skin until they reached behind her ear.
“Cathleen,” Althea murmured as this was always her weak spot.

Her lover did not say a word as she pushed down Althea on to the cold bed. Slowly unzipping the side of her black dress. The two of them were both unraveling. Both of them suddenly grew hungry for each other’s skin. It was always like this with the two of them. It was automatic, there was always fiery chemistry once they succumb to each other’s bodies.


So many tears I've cried
So much pain inside
But baby it ain't over 'til it's over
So many years we've tried
To keep our love alive
But baby it ain't over 'til it's over


Cathleen was worshipping Althea’s body that night as they wrestle each other for dominance. Their tongues tasting each other. Their hands roaming on to each other’s valleys and their touches thrashing into each other. This time it was Cathleen who entered Althea with reckless abandon. It was like they both wanted to break each other that night. Cathleen was still in tears as she continued to consume herself with Althea. Their sweaty bodies straddled each other as Althea felt the build-up of pleasure radiate upwards and before she knew it she was calling out Cathleen’s name over and over.

Their mouths crashed together and, as the final shocks of pleasure subsided, Cathleen’s moans got softer, and their sloppy kisses slowly weakened. Cathleen grabbed a handful of Althea’s raven hair and dared to look into her dark eyes, finding everything she didn’t want to see, because it was all still true.

It was still that sense of dread. It was still headed for goodbyes.

Althea fell asleep on Cathleen’s chest that night.

She knew she was dreaming and she wondered if she was at all there, or did Jade continuously haunt her there too?




Cathleen did not want to sleep, she wanted to savor every moment.


Memorize every shadow, memorize every conversation, every sound of laughter, and every bit of her.

She stroked Althea’s hair which was still damp from sweat and soon she thought to herself, she should hate Althea right now. But still that flame continued to ignite.

“Goodbye,” she whispered as she stroked Althea’s hair and she quickly wiped the tear that was falling from her cheek.


Cathleen was good at escape plans. She always knew when to bolt out. She always knew exit strategies. No matter how much she loved Althea, she knew when she should walk away.

Cathleen has been contacted by different managers to go to the US to start showing her artwork there. To try Boston or even her dream – Seattle. She never took the offer but now she knew she had to. It was an escape plan.

But her plan was gradual. Days after the exhibit, she has dropped cold hints. She almost never came home. She slept at her dad’s house. Althea kept asking questions, Cathleen chose not to answer.

She knew she had to face her for that final goodbye.


Cathleen entered the apartment dragging her feet as she carried her black sling-on purse. She wore Althea’s Nirvana shirt and she looked almost like a young teenager with her ripped jeans.

When she walked in, she already saw Althea in her sando and pambahay shorts, drinking whisky. Predictable, Cathleen thought.

“So ngayon papakita ka? Makikipagusap ka na ba? Shit Cathleen, ano na naman ba ginawa ko?!”

Althea was fuming. But Cathleen somehow has played this scenario in her head already. It was almost like an out of body experience. It was as if everything Althea was telling her was in slow-mo and echoing in her ear. Almost like she was underwater. Cathleen felt this was probably her body and senses shielding itself from the pain of what was coming.

“Babe, magusap naman tayo. Ano tong naririnig ko pupunta ka ng America? I was not even part of this decision? When are you ---- how?” Althea was reddened in fury, her veins on her neck popping as she paced back and forth in the kitchen.

“I thought big decisions like this will be made by the two of us, Cathleen?”

Cathleen sighed as hardly anything but air was coming out of her throat. It hurt to speak. It hurt to even be around Althea at this point.


“This decision will be an individual one…. And all the rest of the decisions here on,” Cathleen stated coldly as her eyes wandered around avoiding Althea’s penetrating stare.

“Ano?! Cathleen, harapin mo nga ---- tignan mo ako sa mata,” Althea said as she desperately grabbed Cathleen’s shoulder, trying to have Cathleen face her.

“This is not you --- kausapin mo nga ako. Ano ba, Cathleen! Awayin mo ako – sumbatan mo ako! Sampalin mo ako! SOMETHING! Kahit ano! Ano ba nagawa ko? Dahil ba masyado ako naging busy sa trabaho? Dahil ba nawawala ako para magisip? Dahil ba sa gastusin? Dahil ba sa pagpapalaki ko kay Miggy? Dahil ba I am a no good girlfriend? Was I too fucking cold? What?! Cathleen!! Speak to me,” Althea was despairing as tears are now lingering in her eyes, her fury subsiding, like an anxious child trying to say the right words.

“Things have not been working for us, I am just not happy anymore,” Cathleen whispered.

“NO! This is not you,” Althea exclaimed wiping her tears quickly as if too ashamed to have it land on her face.

“You have not been happy either…”

“Cathleen, where is this even coming from? If I push you too hard it is only because I want this to work --- I want us to work,” Althea was heaving now as she cried, her pursed lips reddened and her eyes now going bloodshot.

“I cannot make you happy, Althea. We know that. You know that.”

“Why can’t we keep things the way they are? You make me happy--- we are happy. You, Me, and Miggy--- eto yung dapat diba? Eto yung tama lang para saatin,” Althea slowly grabbed Cathleen’s delicate hand and kissed her palm, pleading endlessly as if it was a prayer. Althea’s eyes closed shut as tears started streaming on her cheeks.

It was those words that felt like a stab on Cathleen’s chest.

“I do not want to be just that. Althea --- pagod na ako maging yung DAPAT LANG. Maging yung TAMA LANG para sa’yo,” Cathleen planned this break up out but it still felt like her skin was burning when Althea would kiss it. She wiped her nose and then the dread started spreading at the pit of her stomach.

“I am just the girl who just wanted to love you so much ever since you put paint on my face --- the girl that just fit in the right time, the right place but can never be ---- her,” Cathleen’s voice broke, it would hurt to even utter her name. She smiled through her tears as if she was trying to soldier on.

“Is this about Jade? Wala siya dito--- Cathleen, I told you this a year ago, I chose you. I will still keep choosing you. Ikaw naman pinili ko isn’t that enough,” Althea said as her eyebrows creased and her eyes intently staring at her as if almost burning Cathleen.

“I do not want to be just a choice, Althea. I am tired of being just an option. Althea--- I am not happy with you anymore- Seattle will make me happy and I want to do this alone,” Cathleen was stammering now, Althea knew if her emotions are on high, she always would stutter.

“Please, let me go --- if I keep seeing you, it will just keep breaking my heart and I do not want to be broken anymore,” Cathleen murmured like a child through her tears.

“Tell me you do not love me then. Putangina, Cathleen. Sabihin mo hindi mo ako mahal then I will leave,” Althea was raging as tears kept streaming in her cheeks. Her eyes were wide and pleading. She held Cathleen close and cupped her face, stroking it almost with a confidence that her girlfriend will say yes. She always said yes. She always forgave. She always caved in.

“Hindi na kita kayang mahalin,” Cathleen spilled out.

Cathleen covered her mouth as if she did another verbal vomit. She knew it was a lie but it was the only way to shatter Althea too.

Althea did not say a word, she clenched her jaw and paced herself. She walked towards the kitchen and she slammed her fist on the cold wall and then she started punching through furiously.

Cathleen quickly ran to block her fist, holding it on to her hands. Slowly massaging it like a child she had to calm down.

“Bakit ---- bakit pati ikaw,” Althea whispered.

“I will sleep at Papa’s place again tonight,” Cathleen said calmly.


The next few days after that was a blur for Cathleen. It was a lot of car trips to the apartment as she loaded her things. Gifts were thrown at a second box as a way to return things to Althea, a hoard of unusual history pieces from their relationship. Necklaces, an Apple watch, a Tiffany bracelet, a couple shirt with their faces on it, and a now raggedy teddy bear.

Cathleen looked at her ring finger that still carried her ring on her left hand. She slowly took it off, a distinct tan line and skin rash has left a mark on her finger after three years of wearing it. She sighed as she got the ugly, red fish toy and slowly she returned the ring inside the toy.

She felt her throat close up as she watched the casualties.

Like damage from an emotional warfare.

Gradually the apartment felt emptier and emptier.

Photos were gradually disappearing. Paintings were taken off of the walls. It was like stripping it off

The thing about break ups is you are just not breaking up with one person, Cathleen thought. You break up with things. Fixtures. Memories.

You do not just separate ways, you do not just have to unlearn everything about this person, you do not have to just pick up the brutal, shattered pieces – you break up with the remnants of their lives.

You say goodbye to friends. She even had to do one last quick dinner wth Batchi and Wila with no Althea with her.

“MAGBEBREAK NA KAYO,” Wila and Batchi exclaimed at the same time.

Cathleen nodded and hardly touched her steak as the two kept going on and on that they will miss her.

When Cathleen left the dappled restaurant, Batchi handed a 1000 Peso bill to Wila.

“Sabi sa’yo --- magbebreak yan pag dating ni Jade,” Wila said rolling her eyes as she drank her beer.

Batchi heaved a frustrated sigh.

“Sayang naman,” she muttered.

It is not just friends, things, memoirs that you leave behind ---

You also say goodbye to the loved ones.



Miggy watched as Cathleen loaded the LBC boxes in her SUV, Cathleen was sweating from the arid heat, fanning her white t-shirt and fixing her jean shorts.

“Miggy! Paabot naman ng isang box doon,” Cathleen said smiling.

He sighed as he grabbed one of the smaller boxes and slowly approached Cathleen.

“Kailan ka bibisita ulit, Tita Cathleen,” Miggy asked in a scowl.

In the last three years, Cathleen has seen Miggy grow up from the curious pudgy kid who was scared of horror movies to this 12 year old boy who was sweet and gentle.

She was proud of him. Her heart was shattering too as she has to say goodbye to Miggy.

“Siguro pagbalik kong galling Seattle?”

“Hanggang kalian ka doon?”

“Hindi ko alam,e. Baka a few months,” Cathleen said.

She reached into something in her car and offered Miggy a brown brief case that was made out of wood.

He clenched his jaw as he opened the wooden box. Miggy was frozen as he looked inside. It was an intricate, acrylic painting set.

“Alam ko matagal mo na hinihiram yung akin- so you get one of your own,” she said winking.

“Ano to? Bribing?” Miggy said as he slowly placed the box on the ground.

“Ha?”

“Tita Cathleen --- bakit ka kailangan umalis? Sinaktan ka ba ni Mama? Aawayin ko ba yun? Sino na kasama ko magpepaint? Sino na kasama ko manonood ng horror movies? Sino na gagawa ng French toast – sino na aasarin ko?”

The boy was breaking down in front of Cathleen. She has talked to him many times about the separation but he always remained silent, this was his first time being vocal about it.

“Sabi nila pag magdadasal kay God magiging ok na, diba? Bakit isang linggo na ako nagdadasal --- aalis ka pa rin. Bakit ka kailangan umalis, Tita Cathleen?”

“M-Miggy- I am so sorry but me and your Mama just did not work out. We just are not right for each other. Couples break up that is just life,” Cathleen explained as she stroked his round face.

“I will be better. I will do all my homework. Hindi na ako makikipagaway. Alam ko kasi madalas kayo magaway ni Mama dahil saakin diba? Wala ng suntukan sa school. I will go get my blood sugar checked. Diba yun gusto mo? I will be much better, I will be so much better,” Miggy was sobbing now. Cathleen has never seen him cry much, especially since he turned 12. Watching him cry broke her heart even more.

Cathleen gave him a kiss on the cheek as she whispered her goodbyes. But just as she was headed to her car, Miggy immediately embraced her from behind. Stomping his foot like he was a younger child once again.

“I am so sorry I just called you Tita Cathleen --- I am so sorry if this is too late that I am calling you Mommy. Mommy Cathleen, wag ka umalis, please. You have always been my second mom. Mommy – please wag ka umalis, please. Please,” he was hugging her so tightly.

“Miggy--- Miggy--- shhh. I love you a lot. You did nothing wrong, Miggy. You will always be a part of my life, ok? You will still see me again, ok?

Althea walked in as she saw the two hugging each other tightly. Her son drenched in tears. Slowly Cathleen lets go of Miggy as she walked towards the SUV.

Althea stood in front of the car, her eyes still misty with her own tears. Her jaw clenching, her hands in her pockets and her eyes burrowing into Cathleen.

“Bye Althea,” Cathleen said coldly as she drove away in her SUV.

Althea turned around to look at Miggy who simply ran away from her.

She slogged her feet as she walked towards their apartment. It felt like a shipwreck. Like a storm that took no survivors. The photos were gone. There were wall marks from Cathleen’s paintings. Some of the walls were stained because of the games her and Miggy would play over the years. Some of her pans were still there. She drank coffee beforehand and one of the mugs still had her lipstick stains.

Althea traced it with her finger as she exhaled. They had so many memories together in this apartment. It was as if she could still hear her voice, still hear her tsinelas squeaking, still hear her nagging, and still feel her all around.

On the dining table was the ugly, red fish. The toy that carried their commitment rings from years back.

Althea squeezed it and it popped to reveal Cathleen’s ring. Althea sighed as she slowly lifted her hand to look at her own ring. She took it off as tears started streaming on her cheeks. She slid it into the fish toy and as pathetic as she looked, she kissed the toy as she sobbed into the night.


Present Day 2018.

Breakups are odd, Cathleen thought. Just because how you pick up the pieces can be different. People have different coping mechanisms if they even cope at all.

----
Month 1:

Cathleen locked herself in her apartment in Capitol Hill in the Seattle metropolis - just to paint and paint. Streaks of rage. Smudges of sorrow. Dashes of regret.

She put her Bluetooth speakers on full volume and the Xx’s On Hold was blasting on her speakers.

Reds. Blacks. Blues. Reds again. Feelings for Althea were depicted in her work. The Seattle Art Museum loved her work but she wallowed in pain through that art. Each one of her paintings was a product of her heartbreak.

Cathleen found herself blocking Althea in her social media. It was an ex detox. She wanted absolutely nothing to remind her of her ex-girlfriend.

Yet she sat through and flicked through images on her phone. Couple photos from kissing in Tokyo to eating street food in Ho Chi Minh.

Cathleen found herself eating a tub of rocky road ice cream. As she looked through their photos together. Each memory as if it was still just as fresh.

On her laptop flashes of happier times move before her eyes. There was a video of the two of them running around the apartment putting chocolate cake batter on each other’s faces.

Click.

Next video was the beach – Althea was the one holding the camera – you hear her in the background as she splashed water on Cathleen’s face, and threw a little crab towards her direction.

“ALTHEA! STOP IT! You are so annoying, so fuckin dumb – what if it bites me – what if I die,” Cathleen exclaimed.

“Gaga! Hindi ka mamatay diyan!”

“Don’t you Gaga me!”

Click.

A video of them slow dancing with Cathleen getting lost in her girlfriend’s eyes.

Click.

Flashes of their kisses before they plunged in a rollercoaster.

Click.

The two of them in a sea of white blankets, tickling each other, until Althea accidentally hit Cathleen on the nose.
“Owww!”

Click.

It was a solo video of Althea, cooking adobo for Cathleen. She burnt it too crisp. The camera was shaking from their laughter.

Click

A video of Althea sneaking in to scare Cathleen.

A startled Cathleen quickly hid a cardboard piece of scrappy paper she was working on. A mischievous Althea grabbed the cardboard from her.

There, Cathleen painted the two of them. It was the first painting she ever did of Althea.

“Uy! Kamukha ko ito, ah! Crush ako ni dude-bro! Crush mo ako ano? Crush mo ako?” Althea said chuckling as she ran away.

“Althea – shut the fuck up. I was bored!”

Click. Pitch black. The video ended.

Cathleen’s mouse hovered to hit the trash on her desktop.

She clicked “DELETE”.

Cathleen still held on to her first painting of Althea, it was filled of happy hues and oranges – it depicted the two of them sitting by the sunset. She had it laid out on her coffee table, tracing the old art with her fingers. She realized she hardly even had tears anymore. Her eyes were tired. Her voice was hoarse.

She pitiably cried into that tub of ice cream that night, she slept with chocolate smudges all over her mouth.

---


Althea frequented the Prohibition Bar as she drank shots and shots of whisky while chasing it with beer.

She was lost in a sea of people, sweating and glistening bodies. She danced getting lost to the music. The nights get blurrier and blurrier. She was kissed by a few women, she made out with them with hardly any fervor. They were all faceless to her. She looked at all of those girls – she tweaked their features to somehow see Cathleen’s light eyes again, to try to find her freckles, her faint smile, to somehow hear her deep voice cursing at her. But nothing, no one was Cathleen.

She ran to the bathroom stall as Batchi pulled her raven hair back. She started vomiting.

“Sige pa! Atay mo, atay mo,” Wila said as she snapped at Althea.

“Bakit ba ako laging iniiwan, tangina naman,” Althea coughed as she vomited again.

----
Month 3

Cathleen walked to the streets of Seattle. To a bustling neighborhood called Ballard. A former provincial town now taken over by investors. It was filled with sky scrapers and extravagant glass mansions.

She was guided by her gallery manager, Shawn who wanted to show her that even in the US – people did believe in their larger than life urban legends and most of all the sentimentality of love.

They walked right in the middle of an outdoor shopping center and right at the center of a LA Fitness and a GAP store was a tiny, cozy two-story house. Like lost in the middle of a shopping plaza was a regular house that had pink balloons all over.

Seattle people called it the “Esther House”. It was once owned by an old lady named Esther who refused to sell her house to investors for millions of dollars.

They said it was because she was waiting for her lover to come back. That they built it together.

There were many urban legends about Esther and her house. But what people knew was she had a broken heart and she kept many secrets. Some even say she was a spy and a war hero. Some say she was a famous saxophone player who still waited for the lover who never loved her back.

“This place is a mess – old lady died in 2006 and she never wanted to sell it to investors. Now people get sentimental about it and shit, they call it the Up House like the damn Disney movie --- you see the holes all around Esther's garden? Some urban legend – people put their little time capsules in there so they can tell her their secrets – so they can let go of their secrets, ya know?” Shawn said as he chuckled at the silly sight.

“I mean if you think about it --- it’s just an old lady that cannot seem to cope after getting dumped by her husband,” Shawn said with a grin.

Cathleen touched the pink balloon right in front of her.

“May mga ganito pa pala magmahal,” Cathleen whispered to herself.

That night Cathleen went to the seedy karaoke bar in Broadway, singing Madonna songs while crying. She was a mess after hearing the Esther House story.

In Month 3

Althea was not drinking as much but her relationship with Miggy has been rough. As they often have tensioned-filled fights over Cathleen leaving.

“Hindi na siya babalik, ok? Miggy? Don’t you get it,” Althea said with veins popping out of her neck.

Miggy pushed his chair back and punched the table. Running away from his mother.

A frustrated Althea started massaging her head as she desperately called Batch to help her.

---

When Batch and Wila visited with a case of beer- the three talked about Althea’s matters of the heart.

“So sino ba talaga? Si Jade o si Cathleen kasi alam mo, kung may mahal kang talaga – paglalaban mo,” Batchi said as she sipped the cold beer in front of her.

“Iba ang pagmamahal ko sa kanilang dalawa,” Althea explained as she heaved an exasperated sigh.

“Ay Pota! Ang landi. Dalawa pa talaga mahal? Kakanta na ba ako bakit nga kayaaa- iisa ang puso natin? Pota, Althea kilabutan ka naman,” Wila butted in as she poured herself more beer.

“Jade is my greatest love, my greatest joy, my greatest pain. It compels me to love her. It is intense. It is beyond me,” Althea explained.

Batchi raised her eyebrows as she ate the chips in front of her.

“At si Cathleen?”

“Cathleen nasa tama lang -- -it felt right,” Althea said as she sounded dejected.

“Eh halata naman sino pipiliin mo sa ganyan ano. Yung isa parang wala naman ikaw emotion – wala lang, tama lang ang description. Isa great love. Tinatanong pa ba yan,” Wila said as she rolled her eyes.

“What is so wrong about ‘tama lang’ – is that not love dapat ba tayo nawawala sa sarili pag love o do we need love that will keep us grounded, “Batchi asked.

“Hoy Batchi! Dapat nababaliw ka saakin, noh! Mahiya ka,” Wila said as she smacked Batchi’s arm.

The two kissed in front of Althea, while Althea stared blankly at the ugly red fish toy that sat on top of her palm.

Althea did not sleep that night as she thought of what feels all-encompassing to what felt right.

-------

On Month 6

For Pride – Cathleen reluctantly walked on the wild Seattle streets as she felt like a stranger amongst the crowd. There were naked men in chaps and people just draped with the flag. Everyone was exhilarated and happy. But she never felt so lonely.

It started raining and it felt vaster than before.

----

For Pride – Althea brought Miggy with her. When she walked through the crowds --- there she saw her with her curious crease in her eyebrows, her beautiful bewildered eyes, her sharp cheek bones, and her full lips. It was her all-encompassing love. It was Jade Tanchingco.

She has not seen Jade for more than six months. When their eyes met, it was as if she saw herself in the mirror. A soul that just drew her in. A soul that just knew her and lured her.

They wore heels and clicked through the concrete. They had furtive glances and moments of hunger.

She could never resist Jade. And Althea succumbed to it once again. She showed Jade that she had no ring on her finger, she was no longer with Cathleen Dubois.

Althea felt bold that day – she kissed Jade in the spirit of Pride. As people cheered for them in a frenzy.

After the Pride Event, Jade wanted to be the one to chase after Althea this time. She left her family to pursue her.

By Month 8 – they were together again.

By Month 10 – they were engaged. With a photo that flashed a simple small diamond engagement ring.

This shattered Cathleen.


Althea was posing with Jade and Miggy in the Oregon coast as they visited some of Jade’s cousins from there. It was cold and they were surrounded by icy peaks. They were covered up in their latest North Face jackets, their cheeks reddened from the weather.

“1- 2- 3- SMILE!” Jade’s cousin exclaimed as he took their photo.

When the photo was taken, Miggy quickly broke away from the two.

“Miggy – gusto mo ba kumain --- masarap yung pagkain doon sa may hot chocolate place,” Jade asked.

“Hindi ako gutom,” he said as he walked away.

Miggy was not too kind to Jade ever since she came back into the picture. Jade was understanding, Jade knew it was going to be an uphill climb.

Althea quickly got her phone in her pocket.

She looked at her screen and it displayed it in bright colors as she looked at the Seattle Times News.


When Manila Falls - Debut Art Exhibit featuring Cathleen Marie Dubois.

There was a big picture of Cathleen sprawled upon the web page, there were her amber eyes staring right back, her pointy nose that had a slight childish crinkle she always remembered, her freckles like specks of stars that brightened her up, and her mischievous smile that can capture anyone’s heart.

Althea learned what Cathleen saw that night. Althea learned of the video.

Althea decided to email Cathleen frantically while she was in the US.


Breakups are hard but people shatter a bit differently, Cathleen thought.

What Althea did with her series of emails, brought Cathleen to square one once again. Like dragging her back to the abyss she has been running away from. Dragging her through the inner workings of her past relationship with Althea Guevarra. An untold story that needed to be voiced out.

Because there is an invisible phantom in Althea Guevarra and Jade Tanchingco’s union --- there was the one who ended up as the casualty, Cathleen Dubois. This is her story this time.




Cathleen cracks her knuckles as she types her email to Althea Guevarra. She rapidly types as she continuously wiped away her tears.


“Dear Althea,

I hope this email finds you well. Napapaisip ako kung dapat ko ba sagutin yung last email mo. Pero eto na naman ako, breaking my promise to myself. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, no contact whatsoever. Kaya ko nga binlock number mo at mga profile mo sa social media. But here I am, breaking another promise I made for myself... you do tend to have that effect on me, ano?

Kamusta ka na nga ba, Althea? Do you think about me? Because as much as I would hate to admit it, I do think about you a lot.

I write this email remembering every single detail. My grief comes in waves, Althea Guevarra. And when you sent me that email – it was as if you brought a whole storm to make these memories gush in. Now I am lost in these waves, drowning in it.

I sometimes wonder if you grieve like I do? Do you?

I know people mourn for their first loves, their TOTGAs, their exes with no closure – but do people ever mourn for that temporary girl? The “For Now” girl. The convenient one. The one at the right place and at the right time – but was never the right love.

I was that to you, Althea. I always wished I never accepted your apology that night when you decided to clean my bar.

I feel like if I did not just invite you in, I would be saved from all this heartache.

Yes, I knew about what you and Jade talked about that night. Why would you even ask for reasons now? How dare you even ask for reasons now? Why did you want me to stay? Para ano? Para masaktan lang ako lalo?

You look happy and I do wish you well. I heard you were getting married. I see you even got engaged in San Francisco and plan on marrying there – that is great.

But what else do you want from me? Closure? Explanation?

You have done a marvelous job of hurting me quite a lot. Don’t you think that is quite enough… You even want to invite yourself to my exhibit? All I wanted to say when I read that was FUCK YOU, don’t you think I have gone through enough…”

Cathleen typed rapidly and with intense vehemence. As if her life depended on it. Her fingers hurt by the time she tapped on the last letter keyboard.

As Cathleen hit the send button. She gulped her wine as she sobbed.

“This is the last time you are crying over her, Dubois,” Cathleen muttered under her breath.


The exhibit was set up in the Bowie Hall in the Seattle Art Museum. The chandeliers were set up like twisted glass intertwined together as it blasts in bright colors of red, yellow, and blue.

The way they placed the bright, glass blown chandeliers in stark contrast with Cathleen’s paintings. It felt like a fantasy- built maze to be in the museum that night.

From the hipster types to the tech world types in their ties and sneakers, they looked at Cathleen’s paintings that were grandiose, almost like intricate murals plastered all over the museum. Her work was described by the press as macabre to whimsical. She was getting a lot of attention in her debut. With the gallery already getting buyers for her art.


The small press junket gathered around Cathleen as she answered questions about her work.

“I just paint my emotions – I find inspiration in many things from a man suffering in the streets of Manila to a child wonder in the mountain provinces to well, my ex,” she muttered shyly.


There were flashes from the cameras in front of her. It was almost blinding. Everyone looked at the ravishing Cathleen, who was dressed in a modern, red Filipiniana lace dress that almost clung to her body like skin.

The violins were in a symphony and the piano led the tune as she walked around.

The lounge singer hummed a song that Cathleen almost felt like was familiar.

For some reason, she suddenly felt a jolt in her heart – and she was not sure why.

Then she slowly turned her head and there she was walking with her usual swagger, looking around in wonder at Cathleen’s paintings.

Mem'ries light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored mem'ries of the way we were
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another for the way we were

Althea Guevarra still gave her that jolt in her heart like it was three years ago once again.

Though her feelings were so fast to ignite, she learned the difficult way that it took a while to fade away.

Althea wore a dark blue designer pant suit that revealed her chest and tall stilettoes which made her heels echo through the halls.

Althea lifted her head and turned around like a child. Smiling joyously at the paintings of Cathleen all around her. Her mouth agape in awe.

Their big painting depicting Althea and Cathleen playing with paint, like their first night together – gave a huge smile to her face.



If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?

Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

Althea turned towards Cathleen’s direction and their eyes met like a sudden collision. When their eyes meet, it was not an irresistible urge, it was a tinge of warmth in their hearts and a dash of regret. A sudden jolt but also the feeling of loss.

As Althea who looked so dashing walked towards Cathleen in the gallery, Cathleen remembered the rest of her email to Althea....

----

“I just want to curse you forever. I just want to wish you the worst as I go through this pain all over again.

But want to know what hurts more? Is I still do not hate you at all. That all my anger is a lie. I cannot do that.

I look back at our memories together in a loving manner. I am still thankful for you because you made me brave enough to chase my dreams.

I am still thankful for you because you made me love for the first time. And it felt so good to love you, Althea Guevarra.

It was just a bit of a failure because you did not love me back. But I still look at these memories as some of the best moments in my life.

I do want to hate you, Althea. I also want to say ‘FUCK YOU’ for even asking to see me at my exhibit.

But I feel you still read me very well. You can come. I know we made a promise once that if the Seattle Art Museum happens, you will be there.

Here I attached a PDF file of two tickets for the Dubois show. If you can get Miggy in, I would really like that.

I will probably regret ever sending this email. But here it is. Email sent.

At your worst and at your best,

Cathleen Marie Dubois.

-----


Suddenly behind Althea was an excited Miggy who was running quickly towards Cathleen. The kid hugged Cathleen as a strong Cathleen carried him and spun him around.

Althea looked on as his son and Cathleen laughed. Slowly, Cathleen gazed at her.

“Babe--- I mean, Cathleen—Congratulations,” she said as her voice broke.

Cathleen simply nodded as she gave a weak smile.

“Mommy Cathleen – ang astig ng mga painting ninyo, Stateside ka na pala,” Miggy teased.

Cathleen ruffled Miggy’s hair as she spoke.
“Ikaw talaga--- so guys, uhm… hanggang kalian kayo sa Seattle?”


“We plan on leaving in the morning. Jade and I drove from Oregon,” Althea answered.

Their eyes went straight to the ground, the awkwardness settling in.

“Mama, can we just go out with Mommy Cathleen? Kahit – sandali lang naman, kahit a few hours lang,”


“Miggy, baka busy si Cathleen.”


“H—hindi, ok lang, Althea,” Cathleen said.


The three walked towards the Pike Place Market as they chewed on city hotdogs in a cold, breezy Seattle night.

The three were quiet as they sat in the Great Wheel, which was the city’s colorful multi-story Ferris wheel. Miggy took on most of the conversation.

Althea just kept staring at her son and Cathleen who were enthralled in a conversation.

When Cathleen and Althea brushed shoulders, the two would simply look away from each other as if embracing the awkwardness of the circumstances.

Cathleen drove the two to the next exit, she wanted to take them to the odd town of Ballard to show the Esther House – a little house in the middle of sky scrapers.

The radio was playing Daniel Hart’s Love More, which was one of Cathleen’s favorite songs. And until this day, Althea remembers this.

She excitedly told Miggy about the old lady who never wanted to give up her house because of a lost love. The urban legends about her being a war hero to her being a sax player to her being a criminal.

“And they bury their time capsules here daw kasi people keep their secrets here,” Cathleen exclaimed.

“Ewan ko Mommy pero that sounds creepy,” Miggy said perplexed.

“Batang ‘to talaga!”

“Can I look around,” Miggy asked.

Althea nodded; they watched her son going through the gardens around the area. Both of them are lost in the view of the house in front of them. Surrounded by multi-colored balloons.

“That is a beautiful story,” Althea suddenly murmured.

“Bakit mo naman nasabi?” Cathleen asked without looking at Althea, she just observed the stars and the balloons in front of them.

“Nakakaaliw lang that she loved that way. She kept this house kahit ilang milyon pa binibigay sa kanya kasi umaasa siya babalik asawa niya,” Althea explained.

“I thought it was a good story too --- I said, ‘wow, people still love like that.’”

Cathleen sighed still avoiding Althea’s gaze that she was already feeling on her flushed cheeks. She knew Althea wanted to break the gauntlet. She found it pathetic that she could still read her so easily--- her ex-girlfriend.

“Cathleen--- I am so sorry I hurt you,” Althea exclaimed clenching her jaw as she stared at her.

“Althea, don’t … the night is perfect as it is,” she replied, she felt a certain warmth in her eyes once again, and she dreaded it.

“I did love you. You were never just the convenient one. And yes I mourned for you. I grieve too,” Althea explained.

“I do not need this, Althea…”

“Why didn’t you tell me you saw that video? Why didn’t you fight for it? Bakit mo hinayaan lang? Bakit hindi mo man lang nilaban kahit ng konti—bakit hindi mo sinabi, hindi ko maintindihan,” Althea asked with a certain anger in her tone and yet she exhaled heavily as if catching herself.

A sudden laughter escaped from her ex-girlfriend’s lips. This perplexed Althea.

“Because I loved you, Althea Guevarra,” Cathleen whispered.

“How is that love, Cathleen? You just stopped --- you just gave up.”

Unhurriedly, Cathleen finally faced Althea with tears at the brim of her eyes. Her hand slowly crawled on Althea’s small face. She inhaled as if it still hurt to touch Althea, she still felt the jolts and the surge of emotions in one caress.

“Because there is also love in letting you go---,” Cathleen’s tears dropped as she smiled, the cold air coming out of her mouth as she spoke.

Cathleen slowly traced Althea’s features, the shape of her eyes and her eyebrows to the tip of her nose to her cheek.

“I am not mad at you, Althea. You hurt me a lot but I can never be mad at you. Thank you for everything, Althea Guevarra,” she whispered.

Althea closed her eyes as she felt Cathleen’s touch and tears also started streaming on her face. She heaved a sob finally realizing what Cathleen has done for her.

She pulled her in for an embrace and a slight yelp came out of Cathleen’s mouth as Althea dug into her skin tightly.

“Goodbye, Miss Dooboyz,” Althea whispered, half-laughing and half-crying.

Cathleen was tearing up as she opened her mouth and bit her lip to control the sob that may escape her lips.

“You- are so-- annoying,” she said faintly as she succumbed to Althea’s embrace.

But she quickly pushed Althea away. Avoiding her gaze and looking at the ground.

“I should probably go,” Cathleen said quickly turning icy towards Althea. Unable to show any more emotion. Quickly convincing herself that Althea still has hurt her. She should probably leave.

Soon a black Hyundai was parked across the street from them. It was Jade walking out with an umbrella, calling for Miggy and Althea.

Miggy was hugging Cathleen tightly also controlling his tears as he said goodbye to his once second mother.

Jade and Cathleen looked at each other with a slight gaze, from there they gave each other a cold goodbye.

The rain poured heavily as Cathleen drove out of Ballard in her SUV. The Seattle cityscape seemingly melting with the rain and the rush of the car windows.

It would take a long time after that night until she will see Althea.

___

In the next few months, Cathleen followed the urban legend of the Esther House in Ballard. With her old sando and a hand shovel, she placed her time capsule which was made out of tin.

Inside the tin was her first painting of Althea and her. Inside it was a Polaroid of the two of them.

She slowly wrote a note:

“Althea Guevarra- I do not think there will ever be a love like you. Goodbye. This was our untold story. This is the untold story of Althea Guevarra and her three fuckin great years with Cathleen Dubois.”

She shoved the piece of note in the tin material and in the damp ground, she buried the capsule underneath the earth.


Cathleen walked out of the Esther House – walking towards to the Alchemy bar next door, an old café that also sold the greatest bitters.

She sat down as she drank her cappuccino that was laced with strong alcohol.

She browsed through her Outlook on her phone. She quickly checked Althea’s name in the email inbox.

“DELETE” – Click.

“Yikes - so how much rum and brandy is in that Cappuccino? Isn’t it too early for that?” A blond woman sat right next to her. She was wearing a bomber jacket with an intricate dragon design on the back. She had a confidence to her that was almost cat-like, she was a bit older – she had pallid skin and almost distinctly red lips. Her icy blue eyes looked at Cathleen with confidence.

“Not enough--- I am from the Philippines and it is Happy Hour there already just with the time,” Cathleen said as she smiled.

“Lou Ayre,” the woman said biting her lips as she extended her hand.

“Cathleen Dubois,” she replied.

“Ah! French! But Filipino time?”

“I am Half so that means I may always be late,” Cathleen laughed.

Their hands remained clasped which made them laugh at the awkward situation.

_____

At this time, Jade and Althea were already married.

The first day back from their honeymoon, they stood in the shower blank faced. As if finally taking a breather but also realizing the truth that they had to face.

The two have suffered through so much and as reality has settled in – they realized they were no longer the fresh-faced girls who were innocent from all the anguish and obstacles. They went through family obstacles, abuse, separation, all kinds of third parties, and a fast reunion. They were human and they were weary.

They were in love but sometimes it did leave things hollow, there were bleak moments. Almost like a survivor’s remorse.

The two were ultimately broken from their sacrifices but still their choice was to love each other.

Althea leaned on Jade’s shoulder as the rush of the hot shower took them on. Jade caressed her face as she hushed her.

And then they kissed briefly before they rushed into the hot shower again. They were scared but they had to soldier on.

Love changes people.

_____


3 years later …

____


There was a big event in a new museum in Taguig and everyone was invited.

The bash was chic as it was also a make-shift club at the same time. It was there to celebrate the new artists that the Philippines is launching.


Althea Guevarra had silver-colored hair almost like Storm as she walked around frantically with her headset. She looked sleek in her electric blue halter-top pantsuit. She was all professional. Making sure everything was in line. She was busy yelling at the caterers to move faster. She was busy making sure that the sound systems were working. She was even arranging all the little chandeliers to make sure they were just right for the lighting effect.

The biggest attraction was the Silent Disco- Althea was giving out glow- in- the- dark headphones as people would dance the night away. It was a funny concept as she walked around the huge black tent she has set up.

It was a quiet room, she could only hear the conversations and the loud steps from their dances or their sintunado singing.

She finally took off her headset as the party was about to end. She was exhausted as she sat on the black couch watching the rowdy crowd dancing to the music coming from their big headphones.

Then, she was surprised as she saw people started gathering around making space for someone as they passed by. The mini orchestra had a special song for this person coming in to the corridors. Her silky hair flowed with her huge strides, she wore a black see thru gown that revealed her svelte body and her large tattoos. Her flushed skin was glowing. Her lips in a childish sprawl. Slowly she faced Althea’s direction. There it was – the crinkle in her nose, her freckles all over, her amber eyes and the familiar glimmer in her expression right when she faced Althea.

Cathleen Marie Dubois smiled widely as she saw Althea Guevarra in front of her.

Althea smirked as she said hi.

Cathleen confidently strutted towards her direction.

“You look great,” she said.

“You look- you look- beautiful,” Althea stammered.

“Don’t stutter now, Guevarra.”

“It has been a long time? 2 years?”

“Three years. I have been in Seattle for three years--- Look at you organizing the party for the museum. Well, I am just here for the free food.”

The two tried to catch up with the small talk but it soon got a bit awkward, which annoyed Cathleen.

Cathleen saw the headphones lined up on the table. She quickly wore one and wrapped it around her head.

“Are you going to dance with me then?”

“Cathleen, hindi ako sumasayaw in public alam mo yan.”

“Minsan lang ako umuwi, Guevarra,” Cathleen said as she winked.

She quickly grabbed Althea’s hand and briskly led her to the silent disco dance floor.

“Ang corny naman nito--- paano ka sasayaw dito,” Althea laughed.

Cathleen plopped the headphones on Althea’s head.

“Find my song – we need to listen to the same song so we can dance,” Cathleen yelled as she switched the dial on her headphones.

“O- ok,” Althea said confused.

Cathleen picked the song for Althea as she picked the third dial.

Gwen Stefani’s “Cool” was playing on their headphones.

Cathleen was swaying her hips and gyrating as she sensually flipped her long, brown hair.

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

“Nagprom ka ba?” Althea asked as a joke, a throwback to their moments back when they were exes.

She then spun Cathleen around and drew her waist near hers. The two then got lost in a fast type of waltz as if it was the old days once again.

And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

For the first time in more than three years they stared at each other’s eyes.

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool
I know we're cool

And it was like flashes of quick memories and mementos and what ifs. The two did not have an irresistible urge or compelling magnetic attraction when they see each other, but there were always tinges of warmth in the heart and ghosts of regret. A whole lot of What Ifs mixed with sad smiles.

In their eyes --- The memories came flashing by. Running around the kitchen. The flirting in the palengke. The holding hands in the MRT. The tumultuous fights. The painting sessions. The coffee debates. The passionate kisses. Getting lost in the sheets. The laughter. The long embraces. And the dances.


It is weird to have an ex that will always have a lingering effect on you, Cathleen thought.

Cathleen melted to Althea’s embrace and there was still a slight, sweet pang.

She stroked Althea’s nape as they danced. She felt a slight tear drop on her eye that she quickly wiped off.

Althea was also overwhelmed as she fought back tears.


The two laughed as they came face to face their noses almost touching.

“How is Jade,” Cathleen asked.

“Medyo bad trip yun saakin ngayon,” Althea said.

“You will do your Althea Magic- I am sure,”

“So kamusta kayo ni Lou? How is it to have a girlfriend na taga Bellevue,” – Althea asked as she addressed Cathleen’s mogul girlfriend.

“She is good. We are very good. She is the first person I met that I felt like there is a rightness to it. Like it just feels right. Magaan lang. It is so easy. When you and her fit like best friends and soul mates at the same time. I mean --- it is not fireworks at first but you two build it together, you know? When we hold hands it just feels so right, alam mo yun?”

“I am very happy for you and Lou,” Althea smiled weakly.

“You were the intense one for me. You were the passionate love. The irrational love. Lou is warm – the certain fit.”

All this felt and sounded familiar for Althea.

Before she could speak, she saw a tall blond woman decked in a full black suit come in. She took a bee-line and quickly kissed Cathleen on her full lips.

“Cathleen – are we headed out?”

“Oh Althea – this is Lou, my girlfriend,” Cathleen said.

“Ooooh – so you are Althea. I see, I see,” Lou said as she shook her hand.

It was time for Cathleen to go and with tinges of regret, Althea lets go of her hand.


Cathleen and Lou left the venue hand in hand as they said goodbye to Althea.

Althea and Cathleen took one more quick glance before they mouthed a bye to each other.

Sometimes exes are not painful, colossal, or epic impacts made for long teleseryes and romance books. Sometimes they are just like Althea and Cathleen – a bit of warmth, a bit of loss.



In Seattle – Althea visited it for an event she had to organize. But before she left, she had to visit this place.

She had her hand-shovel as she also had a tin can for the time capsule.

She opened her capsule and took a deep breath. In her palm was the ugly, red fish toy and inside it were the commitment rings they owned over the years.

Althea kissed the toy fish as she gently shoved it in the capsule and threw it to the direction of the hole that she dug.

“That will be our secret, Esther,” Althea sighed.

----

In the Capitol Hill loft Cathleen was painting a canvas again.

Right below her Althea was there as she had to say goodbye.

“Well- thanks for visiting Seattle,” Cathleen smiled.

“Siguro matatagalan na naman tayo bago magkita ano?”

“Probably.”

“Yung Uber ko asa labas na --- goodbye, Cathleen.”

The two inched closer together as they gave each other a smile.

Cathleen slowly kissed Althea just below her ear as she whispered her goodbye.

“You’re still so annoying. Take care, Guevarra,” she murmured.

“Take care, Dooboyz,” Althea exhaled.

The two went their separate ways. They had no clue when they will see each other again.

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool
I know we're cool



Sometimes the best love stories have nothing to do with endgames or colossal impacts --- sometimes it is just in those little moments and those little dashes of heart and loss.

This is the untold story of Althea Guevarra and Cathleen Dubois.

---

the end