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Cathleen stared at her phone as the email notification still has her name flashing

“ALTHEA GUEVARRA”

Fuck her. Cathleen thought.

“Hindi pa nakuntento sa isang email? Really,” she slouched on her couch.

Her thumb briskly swiped to open the email in her inbox.

It was a much shorter one.

“Hi Cathleen,

I am not sure if you will be reading this. Hindi ko nga alam if you even read my first email.

I am sorry for emailing you again but is it possible to see you at the exhibit? I will respect your decision if you do not want to see me. I just do not want you to be surprised if ever you see me there. Desisyon mo ito lahat.

Whatever your decision will be, I will respect it.

Congratulations.

-
Althea”

Cathleen wanted to fume, Cathleen wanted to lash out. Wanted to shatter her phone like fragile glass.

But reading that email just gave her a sense of deeper loss. A sense of rue just attacking her heart.

The email was so straightforward. It was so dry. No remnants of the emotion that used to surge from them.

Althea was an acquaintance now, slowly fading into a stranger.

The concept of exes is such an odd thing, Cathleen thought. You spend years with another human being giving your body, your heart and all of your soul and dedication. Pouring yourself out to this person. You know random facts about them. You know what will make them tick. What will make them shudder. What will make them laugh. What will make them cry.

Then you separate ways. Somehow you have to magically un-remember, un-do, un-love, un-pour—- until you try to piece your shattered self back.

Until this day, she will always know how Althea would like her eggs. Until this day, she will always remember how Althea will sing Pag-Ikot when Miggy has a fever running to put him to sleep. Until this day she will always remember how she laughed in a certain odd melody. Until this day she will always remember how she looked when she would kiss her all over, tracking each freckle. Until this day, she will always remember how she cried... and most of all how they loved.

How can something with this much weight of emotions now be reduced to a cold, formal email? To strangers that you will just pass by in the hallways?


She gulped her red wine as she looked at a photo in her phone.

It was her and Althea with Miggy making peace signs behind them.

It was the day they moved to their apartment in Taguig.


There Cathleen remembers again, the way they were.
_____________


2015

“O ayan ah... 1... 2... 3 ... smile,” Batchi yelled as she took a photo with Cathleen’s phone. Wila stood behind her side-eyeing the whole situation.

“1-2-3... rebound! supalpal,” Wila whispered.

“Wila... pssst, marinig ka nila,” Batchi murmured.

The flash of the camera hit their faces as they kept posing.

Cathleen and Althea posed with Miggy for a photo. They were all in shorts and old house clothes. They were tired from moving furniture and boxes all there. Exhausted from cleaning and arranging. But Cathleen was glowing even with the exhaustion.

The three smiling from ear to ear. Cathleen sat on Althea’s lap, their hands intertwined.

Cathleen and Althea were involved in a whirlwind type of romance. Everyone was concerned about how fast things were going for them.

They moved in together weeks into their relationship. They got a lofty apartment down South of Taguig, with their combined income, they are able to send Miggy to a better school.

The two ran around their small apartment to check things out.

“Medyo kaya ninyo siguro mas malaki dito. Pero maganda naman siya..”

Wila thought they could get something bigger with Cathleen’s income but it was not as if Cathleen was rich... her parents were rich. The bars and restaurants were still co-owned by her father.

She wanted to do this all with Althea. Like a for real, mature committed relationship.

Cathleen has not had many relationships. She has dated a lot, and met many girls from Paris to Phnom Penh to Pittsburgh to Pasay. But none she has taken that seriously.

There was her French boyfriend back when she was in middle school to high school that she loved but only as a platonic friend. The first time she saw him naked and when they tried to have sex... she quickly bolted out. She knew she could no longer pretend so she came out after dating him for five years.

She then dated an older Irish woman when she was 19, who was her instructor in Art class in college. Cathleen felt suffocated by such an intense relationship at 23 she dumped her by saying she will be back in the Philippines for good.

After that it was just a massive blur of the worst first dates or could have been relationships.

Until there was Althea.

For Althea on the other hand—- she has been dating girls since she was thirteen. She had a huge stage of denial at 21 and married the first guy that showed her some interest. Tommy was hell on earth. He was abusive and she ended up being a battered wife. She ran away from him but that nightmare gave her a blessing with her son Miggy.

Althea has been in many relationships. Batchi’s joke is she should always sing “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before” in their videoke sessions.

Althea had a way with women, most of the time they will do the chasing. Batchi used to always ask her for tips at how she effortlessly grabbed their attention.

Althea even dated her kabarkada Wila who cheated on her with a man.

But no one... no one will ever compare to Jade Tanchingco. Althea escaped her pride for her. Althea escaped cruel society for her. Even escaped death for her. But alas, that heartbreak tormented her for a long time.

Until there was Cathleen.

Until there was Althea. Until there was Cathleen.

Things definitely shifted for the two.

——-

Miggy was running around checking out his new blue room as he ate his Chicken Joy.


“Miggy, ano ba ... wag ka kakain sa kwarto,” Althea exclaimed. “and bakit ka may Chicken Joy? Sino nagbigay sa’yo at bakit ang laki ng manok na yan?”

Cathleen chuckled as she raised her hand with a guilty grin, her shoulders hunched in an almost surrender.

“Cathleen... sabi ni Doc he needs to go on a diet,” Althea said part furious but also trying to control her laughter.

“It is just this one time! Hello! This is a special occasion - we got our new place,” Cathleen tightly held Althea’s hand as she slowly dragged her to their room.

The room still had boxes and all the furniture was still in disarray.

The only thing that seemed put together was the flowers in the vase and the radio humming a haunting celesta instrumental which made it even more like a dream for Cathleen.

The bed was not arranged yet so it was just a soft, white mattress that was plopped on the wooden floors.

Althea twirled Cathleen and spun her in her arms into a little dance. Cathleen kicked her playfully on the knee and Althea laughed as she tackled her to the mattress.

They look at the ceiling fan above them as they lie quietly on the fluffy sheets.

Cathleen looked ethereal as her long, brown hair unfurled on the make-shift bed flowing on to the white cloth. The sunset was gleaming from the sliding windows lighting her up, as if igniting her sharp features. When put to the light her eyes seemed amber.

Althea smiled looking at her beautiful face.

“Ready ka na ba? Totoo na talaga ‘to?” Althea asked as she grabbed Cathleen’s hand and slowly kissed it.

“It is weird that I am this domesticated. Shit,” Cathleen laughed as she covered her face in embarrassment.

“Medyo creepy nga....ano ginawa ninyo sa girlfriend ko,” Althea joked.

Cathleen playfully slapped Althea’s arm and tried to tackle her. Tickling her roughly and squeezing Althea’s side.

“Aray! Ow! Ow! Cathleen!”

“O... ano nangyari?” Cathleen said suddenly stopping her play fighting.

Althea laughed as she tackled Cathleen briskly climbing atop her but also hitting her nose at the same time.

“You are so annoying! Fuck that kind of hurt!”

“Hoy! Babe! Sorry na!”

Althea with concern started checking on Cathleen’s red nose.

“Does it hurt?” Althea asked brushing the strands off hair flowing on Cathleen’s forehead.

Cathleen had a faint smile, not saying a word to her girlfriend as she just stared at her. It was like speckles of the orange sunlight were landing on Althea’s supple skin. Her eyebrows like etched by God. Her dimples, the curve of her lips, her small nose - Cathleen has memorized it all. Her vibrant eyes looking back at Cathleen with confusion.

“Babe, ok ka lang?” Althea asked.

“You are so annoying.... I love you so much,” and with that she pulled in Althea towards her face, and Althea’s mouth plunged to meet hers. They both laugh into their kisses.

The sun was setting and the orange sheen was playing on their faces.

________


2018


Years later she is watching a familiar sunset in Seattle. But somehow the orange tints has lost the sheen in her eyes.

Cathleen sips her bubbly rose’ as she fixed the collar of her pristine, white polo shirt.

A familiar song also plays in the background. The same celesta tune.

That is the thing about exes.

Every single thing can ignite a range of emotions. Even a certain melody of a song.

Cathleen sat at the Brooklyn, a fancy seafood restaurant just right at the bay of Downtown Seattle. She was hardly touching her lobster ravioli.

“That thing is going to eat you, look at that lobster and his eyes,” a man with a hoarse voice and a noticeable French accent.

It was Cathleen’s father, Yann, who looked concerned for his daughter. He stroked his beard as he ate what is left of his salmon.

“I am not as hungry, Papa,” she said as she forks her pasta and looks at the pathetic creature on her other plate.

“Then why get something so expensive in the menu and hardly eat it... kaya ka pumapayat,” a woman on the other end of the table exclaimed as she ate the rest of her salad. That was Zenaida, she was the feiry Filipino mother of Cathleen. Her parents are total opposites. Zenaida was strong-willed, a taray beauty, always almost at the brink of fury, with arched eyebrows and a permanent scowl. While her father, Yann Philippe was gentle, almost goofy and always had a soft spot for everyone. This is why they are divorced when Cathleen was a young teenager.

“Mom, kumakain naman. Nawalan lang ako ng gana,” Cathleen was exasperated at this point.

“Mon Ange, is it still her? The ex?”, her dad asked as he held on to his chest.

“Kaartehan na yan, Cathleen. It has been what -8 months? Hayaan mo siya. Tell her to ‘eat your heart out’... you have an exhibit in Seattle and then later in Miami ano? Sino ba siya,” her mother butted in.

“This is why I should never say anything to you guys because you just say things like this and it will make me upset,” Cathleen said as she massaged her head.

“No, it is not about her! Damn,” she added as she looked at her parents who looked at her with comedic curiosity.

“Maka-Damn-Damn tong batang to!”

“I mean I do not blame you if you have heartbreak... she was a very sweet girl,” her dad said as he held his daughter’s hand.

“Hay nako, no one is worth those tears, Anak. Look at what I did... I cried for your dad for probably a month and just wore my girdle and I just told them all to have at it!!!”

“Mom... ew.”

“Well I guess out of all your best friends na girls... siya naman na pinakamabait.”

“Mom, can you stop calling all my ex-girlfriends—‘best friends’?”

“Well...I do accept them! I just do not really call them... girlfriends,”

“Zenaida, come on,”

“Come on na naman itong si Yann!”

Cathleen massaged her forehead as she watched her parents bicker. As far as she could remember her mom and dad were never quite a match. The signs were everywhere for her as far as she could remember. Forgetting anniversaries. The constant fighting. The rumors of cheating. The obsession with money and business. The tumultuous fights during their travels around the world. Even as a child, Cathleen understood the signs.

Were there signs with Althea? Did they ever get this tempestuous? Can she ever trace back and see the little cracks in their precious shell? Was destruction gushing in and she just never saw it?

Was she just living in the ideal? Do people ever do what she does?

Trace back on those days. Re-walk those steps in her head and see if there were any first signs of trouble?

And there she felt it again. The dull pain. The memory takes over again.


________

2015

Althea and Cathleen were holding hands underneath the table as they listened to Cathleen’s mom and dad argue over how to make the right Carbonara.

It was their monthly ritual to have lunch with her parents. Althea and Cathleen have been together for three months now. They were both dressed in white and both had very high heels on, dressed to the nines to meet with Cathleen’s Alta parents.

Her parents were divorced but still found time to see their daughter and her new girlfriend, Althea.

“Just the egg and the right parmesan!”

“Ok lang yun magsauce!”

The two kept bickering about every little thing that they saw.

“This is why you two did not last in your marriage,” Cathleen said as she hurriedly drank her Chardonnay.

They were shooting rapid questions to Althea and Cathleen. Like an interview round from Boy Abunda’s Fast Talk.

Can you go to your cousin’s wedding, bring Althea as a date?

Althea can be part of the family reunion, right? Will you be available by next month?

How about the family picture, Althea and Miggy can be a part of it? We will have a special pictorial?

Do you two want kids? Surrogacy?

Are you still in the same job, Althea? Ever try applying for a bigger company?

When are you two actually going to get married – it is legal in the US, why not do it maybe in two years?

“Stop! You two are so embarrassing,” Cathleen said as she covered her face.

Cathleen was aggravated but Althea sat there amused, having faint laughter escape her lips.

She always noticed that the parents even though were fighting quite a lot and did to a point say quite the wrong things – they were so enamored and just loved their unica hija very much.

Unlike her experience with Jade, Cathleen had parents that accepted her for what she was and who she would choose to love.


Cathleen was nothing at all like Jade.
Absolutely nothing at all like Jade.

That thought quite resonated in Althea’s mind. Like a soft chant going over and over her head.

Althea had a blank stare as that void of a feeling in her heart settled in. She will have this type of a feeling once in a while, she cannot quite explain, it is like a feeling of emptiness beyond her heart like a sudden deep stab at the pit of her stomach. She knew she was thinking of her again. It was not a feeling of pain like it did before, but a feeling of numbness. It always numbed her down when Jade would creep into her feelings like that. It was as if her brain will suddenly go slow motion, as if it was an out of body experience.

Cathleen’s dad, Yann was obsessed with 1960s music and still collected records. He started playing the classic Happy Together by The Turtles.

Zenaida did not want to do any dancing as she rolled her eyes at her ex-husband. But Cathleen was a Daddy’s girl so the two started dancing. Cathleen was so happy as she did the doo-wop with her dad as they swung all around the lavish dining room.

Althea stared blankly at the commotion. Her eyes fixated on them but her mind wandering somewhere else. Somewhere far, vast, and blank.

Cathleen danced to the beat as she grabbed Althea to dance with her. Althea momentarily danced but later her son, Miggy coming from the video game room joined the little party.

Althea slowly walked away as she sat back on the dining table, her hands in a slight tremble as she watched her son and her girlfriend dance endlessly. Miggy was jumping up and down, trying to show his Tita Cathleen how to do cartwheels. Cathleen

Althea tried to laugh but the feeling of void was taking over her, she flashed a slight smile.

Cathleen looked at her girlfriend--- furrowing her eyebrows, perplexed at the sight.


It was after lunch and they were at Loyola Memorial Park, visiting Althea’s father. It was part of the ritual that they did. When Cathleen visited her parents in her mom’s Forbes Park home, they would also drive to talk to Althea’s Tatay Felix.

The white roses were nicely laid out on Tatay Felix’s grave site. Miggy was too busy playing with his Nintedo DS.

Althea had Raybans on, her lips are pursed and her face seemed to be in a permanent scowl. She stood right in front of her father’s old grave in silence and in deep thought.

Cathleen’s finger traced her tattooed wrist and slowly intertwined her fingers with Althea’s. She wanted to feel her girlfriend’s warmth.

“I am sorry if my parents seem overwhelming,” Cathleen whispered.

Althea tightened her grip on Cathleen’s as she just gave her a faint smile.
“They are fine, masaya naman parents mo,” Althea answered.

“I just cannot really believe na they have been pressuring us to get married. Para bang hello – we are gay, di naman legal sa Pilipinas at parang napaka prim and proper nila, ano ngayon kung live-in tayo diba?”

Cathleen rolled her eyes as she kept venting.


“And I did not really like how they kept asking about your work – like the fuck they care, you know?


Cathleen still kept going as she expressed dismay about her cousins and the other side of the family not being as accepting.

“And hello- those Titas are just going to keep asking me if I have a boyfriend even when I am gay as fuck. We are NOT going to that reunion, Althea,” she muttered.

Althea heaved an exasperated sigh as her girlfriend kept talking.

Althea was a bit older than Cathleen. Not just in years but hardships and life experiences. It showed when Cathleen complained like this about the most miniscule things. If often made Althea snap.

“Alam mo masuwerte ka nga,e. Tanggap ka ng magulang mo. Not everyone can even get to say that. So what if they are a little loud and ask too many questions. MyGod, Cathleen,” Althea exclaimed.

“Excuse me?”

“Cathleen, nandito ba ako para bisitahin Tatay ko o para marinig ka magreklamo?”

“Jeez. Ok, I am sorry.”

“It’s nothing,” Althea murmured.

Cathleen was about to walk away until Althea grabbed her hand.

“Just--- just stay, ok? Sorry I snapped but can we just sit here in silence,” Althea murmured.


Was that a sign? Was that a crack in the shell?



(the house radio is still playing Happy Together by the Turtles)


Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

On their sixth month they started arguing more and more like an old married couple.

Althea had scraps of paper and had her glasses on as she quickly calculated the expenses in the past month.

She stood up and hurriedly walked towards the homey, white kitchen, she opened up the cupboards and the fridge.

There it was – Cathleen had this fixation on buying food from her European roots. Cathleen was a world of contradictions – she could live off of Lucky Me! Pancit Canton or just bangus for a while but then she will spend on such things like salami, pancetta, pate, terrine, dried up sausages, and all her other European desserts.

“Kailangan mo ba bilhin ito lahat? For God’s sake, babe.”

“So what? It’s just charcuterie, I just wanna eat it. It’s my money,” Cathleen said as she drank her bottled water cooly.

“Tapos ano na namang binili mong video game kay Miggy?”

“So what? It’s my money and it is a gift for him- he did well in school. I do not see what the big deal is,” Cathleen walked around in her sando and pambahay shorts, flinging her arms in the air in annoyance.

“Kasi Miss Dubois - gastos na natin pareho ito. I already told you about getting that SUV from months ago. And then you are still spending so much. This is one household. Ano gagawin natin sa mga kaartehang charcut-whatever mo? Have you seen our bills? Can you grow up? Ano ba akala mo dito? Na may fall back ka na Paris?”

“I have the means, babe.” Cathleen explained now obviously miffed.

“It does not work that way, babe.”

The tension between the two was getting full to the brim. Cathleen spilled her tea that she was pouring as she knows Althea was trying to bait her. So she knew what bait she will throw back.

“Look, I do not know if this is an ego issue for you, Althea na somehow gumagastos ako ng husto sa bahay na ito paying for things so I am sorry. But I just have the means, I just want to splurge a little once in a while. I would appreciate it if you do not control my spending like some over-controlling bitchy wife,” Cathleen was slamming the glasses now as she tried to walk away from Althea.

Althea chuckled dryly, she knew Cathleen was trying to get to her.

“Your DAD has the means. Not you. Akala ko ba yung set up natin ever since pinanidigan natin ito ay income na nating dalawa. That you will be independent. Ano yun? Bigla nalang pag gusto mo ng mga cold cuts mo Daddy’s girl ka ulit? Balik sa pagiging Trust Fund Baby.”

“Excuse you? What the fuck did you say?”

Althea was fuming as she approached Cathleen.

“You do not even have anything to your name. Everything is still under your parents. Ano ba na-accomplish mo aside sa pagrarampa-rampa mo at gumawa ng cocktails? At mamili ng menu?”

Cathleen gave Althea a faint smile as hot tears were lingering in her eyes.

“Congratu-fuckulations, Althea Guevarra. You went really below the belt this time. You won the argument. Are you happy?”

Cathleen was clapping in sarcasm, incensed.

“Wag mo ako mumurahin, Cathleen Marie Dubois. Diyan ka magaling,e.”

“Really? What am I good at?”

“THIS! I bring up a point gusto ko mo iabot sa ganito lagi,e. Kailangan laging UPHILL CLIMB sa’yo. Hirap sa inyong mga spoiled brats, you never reason out with anyone. Forever kayong mga Donya!”

“Oh does that make you so unique? You were not born rich so somehow ano? That gives you a pass na you are better than me all of a sudden? We are fighting over fuckin cold cuts! Your ego is something else, Althea!”

The two of them were walking around all over the apartment as they fought. Pointing fingers close to each other’s faces.

“You rich girls are something else. I do not know why I keep coming back,” Althea said under her breath.


“STOP comparing me to your God-damn EX!”

The two were now panting. Silent. Sweating from the frenzied argument.

“Cathleen, tapos ka na ba? Minsan feeling ko kayong dalawa ni Miggy yung bata dito,e.”

Cathleen shook her head as she roughly threw the rest of her tea and briskly ran to the fridge to get the San Miguel beer instead.



“I am fuckin painting. I am so over this,” Cathleen went to the garage she has made into her new make-shift painting studio.

In her large gray canvas she started splashing it with water and even beer in her fuming rage.

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together


She started to paint furiously as the harsh reds and splotches of black and all the vibrant hues mixed together to depict different paintings.

Some from her everyday life. Some from the places she has visited. Varying from a beggar she has seen on the street. Or a random Cambodian in Angkor Wat that she remembered. Or the political turmoil in the Philippines.

But mostly of Althea –she was a common fixture in Cathleen’s work. She was like in every massive artwork Cathleen will paint. Althea was alive in all her expressions … when Cathleen was happy – she painted. When Cathleen was somber- she painted. When Cathleen was fuming – she painted.

And Althea was in most of it. Althea was her muse, her poison.

----

On the seventh month – they fought about Miggy. That was one of their more intense fights. Cathleen and Althea were still in the work clothes as they fought dead into the night. Unbeknownst to them, Miggy was watching from the staircase.

Cathleen took over Miggy’s meeting with his teacher because he got in trouble for almost failing Math.

Miggy was too scared to tell Althea so Cathleen took over. Miggy was afraid to disappoint his mother who worked day in and day out and always felt that her son was an honor student.

Tita Cathleen was much more relatable. She was more of the laidback parent type. He needed someone who can be on his side.

This was unacceptable for Althea.

“I have the right to know about things like this Cathleen,” Althea exclaimed.

“I was going to tell you but your son is scared, Althea. He feels pressured pag lagi mo sinasabi magiging honor student siya,” she stammered.

“Siguro naman Cathleen desisyon ko ano dapat gawin sa anak ko. I have the right to know these things,” Althea answered.

“Sasabihin din naman namin ni Miggy… naghahanap lang naman kami ng buwelo. The kid does not want to disappoint you, Althea.”

“Ayoko na marinig, Cathleen. Anak ko si Miggy – let me do my job as a parent.”

“Maybe if you just talked to him. Be gentle to him. Show that you are on his side,” Cathleen said gently.

“Cathleen – GIRLFRIEND KA LANG. Pwede ba lumugar ka? Just because you paint with him, binibilhan mo siya ng Chicken Joy, mga video games, and watch scary movies with him does not give you the right to make big decisions like this kasi AKO ANG MAGULANG,” Althea muttered.

It was silence again. Even Althea seemed shocked with what came out of her mouth.

Cathleen wiped her tears and quickly walked out – to paint.

“Cath- I am sorry,” Althea said with her voice breaking.

“Tangina – why did you say that, Althea,” Althea whispered under her breath as she grabbed her whisky and poured it into her glass.

Althea sighed as she looked around their home. Filled with paintings of her. Filled with photos of their new family.

She shut her eyes in frustration.

“Althea, ano ka ba… ano ka ba, stop ruining this.”
----

The two fought a lot. And Cathleen tried to see if these were the signs she did not see before.

But when they did fight, they also made up a lot.

For Cathleen these moments were still at the peaks and corners of her mind because of how it showed the strength of their relationship.
She still cannot see anyone but Althea.
___

that night, Cathleen was still painting her canvas that was as big as the wall. She was painting a street scene in Manila- the theme was very macabre. Filled with her mad strokes once again.

She turned on the car radio from the SUV as she just did the finishing touches of her work.

The French classical music of Philippe Rombi was playing- it was the Jeux d'enfants – a love theme from her favorite French film.

She heard the garage door open and she knew it was Althea doing the routine making up that she always does after a fight.

Althea had a small box of Black Forest cake with her as she approached Cathleen.

“If that is another stupid cake, I do not really want it,” Cathleen said as she fixed her paintbrushes and thinners.

“Maganda trabaho mo,ah. Ang ganda nito ah,” Althea said in awe as she looked at the finished product. Cathleen called it Manila by Night.

Cathleen did not say a word as she kept cleaning up the garage.

“Look, I am sorry, nabigla ako nung sinabi ko yun tungkol sa ginawa mo para kay Miggy. I was just angry. I am sorry. I am thankful that you are Miggy’s second mother,” Althea whispered.

Cathleen was still silent as she gave Althea the cold approach. She did not want to talk anymore.

“I may sleep at my Dad’s tonight,” Cathleen muttered.

“Ba-bakit?”

“I may get my bags tomorrow or something,” Cathleen was not giving Althea any eye contact as she briskly walked trying to avoid Althea’s gaze.

She could already feel Althea’s gaze, she knew it was like fire, she knew it was already burrowing in. She was afraid to look because she knew she will give in. She knew she will lose it.

Althea grabbed Cathleen’s hand trying to stop her from walking away. But Cathleen was fast as she avoided the grasp, trying to avoid her warm skin- because she knew she will give in.

She turned her back from Althea but she soon felt her body crash into her, her warmth resting at the crook of her neck. Althea was embracing her from behind. Cathleen broke free from the tight grasp as she turned around to face Althea but she could not face her anymore… Althea was now hugging her waist, grasping it tightly as she was slowly kneeling down. Kissing her stomach that peaked from her pambahay shirt.

“Al --- ,” Cathleen sighed.

“I am so sorry,” Althea said barely a whisper as she kept kissing Cathleen’s stomach. Cathleen could feel her girlfriend’s tears on her skin. She knew once contact would happen – her heart will race again, her head will be in a daze again, and her body will respond again.

Cathleen took some hair at the back of Althea’s head to pull and slowly she knelt too to meet Althea’s teary gaze.

“I am so sorry, Cathleen,” Althea kept repeating it when they saw eye to eye.

“Shut the fuck up, Guevarra and just kiss me,” Cathleen whimpered. And with that their lips met and soon they were kissing passionately. Althea immediately lifted off Cathleen’s shirt and she went straight to her ample chest area as her warm mouth enveloped it.

They did not even have the patience to walk upstairs to their bedroom. Their clothes were off within seconds and moments later they climbed up to Cathleen’s SUV. Althea was lying on the backseat as she watched Cathleen laugh on top of her. Althea’s hand lazily roaming on her skin as if memorizing a map- she knew each freckle, each mole, each scar, each valley, each crevice, each tattoo, each story---

“God, you’re beautiful,” Althea whispered.

Cathleen smiled as her hand met Althea’s hand, their fingers intertwining. She lifted Althea’s hand and slowly kissed it as if she was afraid to break it.

“You’re beautiful too,” Cathleen muttered. Althea lifted herself up to wrap Cathleen’s legs around her waist and soon they kiss into the darkness.

____

They sat in the SUV as they ate the cake in just their underwear. Cathleen fed Althea the cake as they looked at her works of art that were splayed out in that little garage. It almost looked like little murals that they collected.

“Dapat magka-exhibit ka sa ganito,e,” Althea said as her arms wrapped around Cathleen.

“You think it’s time?”

“It has been time. Are you kidding me? People will pay to even just walk in to see this. When you get your first feature sa gallery na sikat. I will be there with Miggy to support you. Promise yan. By hook or by crook. Kahit anong mangyari,” Althea said smiling from ear to ear like a kid in a candy store.

“Really now?”

Althea laughed as she had Cathleen suck the chocolate off of her finger.

“Anong gallery gusto mo?” – Althea asked.

“Sa Seattle Art Museum – they feature new artists there all the time, how I wish ano?”

“Mangyayari yan… and I will be your biggest fan. That is my promise- kahit ano pa mangyari even if you dump me,” Althea replied. With that, she grabbed a huge chocolate chunk from the plate and painted it on Cathleen’s nose as she squeezed it.

“HONK HONK sabi ng mabuto mong nose,” Althea laughed.

“You so annoying, Althea,” Cathleen said pinching her girlfriend. Althea quickly wiped the chocolate off with her thumb.

“Yikes, missed a spot,” Althea whispered. She inched closer to kiss Cathleen’s nose with an innocent peck, spreading the kiss to her cheeks and slowly to her lips.

“I love you, babe—good night,” Althea murmured as they kissed.


2018

Cathleen knew why Althea wanted to see her in the Seattle Art Museum. Cathleen knew why Althea wanted to be in that exhibit.

It was her promise.

But can promises really work now that they have broken up? Now that the love does not exist anymore?

Cathleen was back at her Mac looking at her draft emails. She has attempted at least eight emails to Althea Guevarra.

Ranging from Dear Fucker to Dear Only Love.

The Seattle rain kept splattering again on her window, her black cat, Gambino sat on her lap as he let out a purr.

They said to re-trace your steps when you look back at the past. And see if there were signs of actual damage and cracks.

They said you know a couple will fall apart based on the fights they have had.

Althea and Cathleen always had fights. The fights were tumultuous and can be tempestuous.

But now that Cathleen has re-traced the steps --- it is not what they have fought about that did the damage.


It is what they have chosen not to fight about.

It is what she never fought for.



2016

Cathleen and Althea have been together for a year. Their apartment is filled with an array of their framed photos. The people knew them as a couple. They spent Christmas, New Year’s, birthdays together as a couple. They have traveled to Tokyo, Ho Chi Minh, Seoul, Los Angeles and New York as a couple. They were invited to weddings as a couple. Their decisions were made as a couple. Even the coffee places knew them as a couple. Even Miggy’s school have gossiped about his two mothers.

The art arena in Manila also knew them as a couple as Cathleen has had mini exhibits featured for her paintings. She was getting rave reviews in the smaller cult market because of her depiction of Filipino life.

Cathleen and Althea were at their happiest this year. Althea moved into a much bigger firm that handled events for big companies like PLDT and celebrity weddings. Cathleen finally got to juggle her bar business and finally getting her artwork out.

The morning started like any other – Althea was going to come in late for work because they have to inspect the venue for the FAMAS awards.

Miggy got into a fight in school and someone had to come in to talk to the principal. Today, Cathleen was “taya”.

It was not as if Miggy was a bad kid – but he did suffer from time to time from homophobic kids who made fun of him for having two mothers.

And damn, Cathleen was willing to fight over that.


They were rapidly pacing back and forth all over the kitchen sipping their coffees and biting on to their donuts. They did not have much time.

“Babe, aalis na ko,ah – magkita nalang tayo after my meeting sa principal,” Cathleen said as she gave Althea a quick kiss on the lips.

“Ok, Babe. I will see you around 11, I will be at the park. Malapit lang kasi doon yung venue,e,” Althea explained.

It all seemed like such an ordinary day for Cathleen.

Boring meeting with a principal. Meeting a small studio for an exhibit before that. Going to Meralco to pay the bills. Everything was mundane.

Until she got to the park. She was very late after a long debate with Miggy’s school.

Cathleen’s billowy top that revealed her tattooed back was blowing in the wind. Her ripped jeans making rustling sounds as she was almost running to meet Althea.

She was panting by the time she got there to meet with her girlfriend.

She noticed that Althea’s eyes were almost bloodshot and her nose a bit pink. A woman stood by Althea – she was beautiful in that of a pristine way. She looked like she was porcelain-like, she was tall, youthful, and feminine.

“Hey Babe! Sorry I am late,” Cathleen said half-panting.

“Kausap ko pa kasi ang teacher ni Miggy,” she continued on. Althea could only nod. This was not like Althea at all. Althea would have probed. Would have been proud that she fought with the teachers and principals that wanted to suspend Miggy. Althea would have been shouting for joy once she would learn that Miggy was not getting a suspension.

But it was pure silence. The girl in pink kept looking at Cathleen as if she had seen a ghost.

“Soooo--- what’s up?” Cathleen asked to break the awkward silence. She put her arms around her waist establishing an air of confidence. But it was still silent even on Althea’s end.

“Hi--- I’m ahh--- Cathleen,” she said in her deep voice, extending her hand to the woman in pink. Cathleen tried to give her a smile but she was faced by rejection from a dejected woman.

What she did notice was the woman kept staring at her ring and Althea’s ring.

Cathleen stood there perplexed looking at Althea for answers.

Althea with her gentle eyes kept looking back and forth between the two girls. In each flicker of her eyes, Cathleen saw something she has seen before – her eyes became more somber by the moment.

“Uhm--- siya si Jade,” Althea expressed as she stared deeply at the girl in pink, her eyes to the brim with tears.

At that moment, when Cathleen heard those words she felt it, it suddenly grew silent and she could only hear her heart beating in a thud, almost ringing in her ears, and slowly it was as if she felt her heart drop.

And she knew her heart permanently broke that day.

All this time Jade has been heavily involved in her and Althea’s life.

But for the first time, she was no longer a phantom but someone real.

And Cathleen was shattered. One could see it in her eyes that in a blink it mirrored her heartbreak. Cathleen could not muster to cry though, so she mustered something else --- a genuine, weak smile.

“Ikaw pala si Jade,” Cathleen muttered, her voice partly breaking, her teeth showing a genuine smile but her eyes showing a certain soft despair.

“Nice to finally meet you. Naikwento ka na kasi saakin noon ni Althea,” she continued. At this point, she was already feeling her warm tears filling the brim of her eyes. Not now, Cathleen --- not now she told herself.

“Babe--,” Althea said as she held her hand tightly. “Can you give us a minute or two--- may paguusapan lang kami,” Althea explained.

Cathleen wanted to say no. Cathleen wanted to put her foot down. Cathleen wanted to lash out and say NO – she is mine. I picked up the pieces when you were gone. I am now the one she loves. I am now her girlfriend. We have built a life. We have been together for a year --- HOW DARE YOU.

But Cathleen also loved Althea and she knew what was best for the one she has loved all this time.

“I know,” was all Cathleen could muster. If you could not see the tears in Cathleen’s eyes – you could definitely hear and feel it in her voice.

She said she was going to be in the CRV and she will wait in her parked car.

Cathleen watched from afar as the two ex-lovers were hunched and talking intently. She felt her chest exploding. She wanted to break down but she had to fight this one.

She was counting the seconds.

10- 9 – 8 –

They were still talking.

7- 6 – 5 – 4
She saw Althea’s hand crawl to Jade’s face.

3-2 – 1 ….

She saw the two suddenly embrace.

And then she was suddenly just seeing the bright light of the sun.

The blur seemed to have a mosaic in her eyes.

This was when Cathleen could hardly see what was going on in the park. Because her eyes were blurry from all the tears finally streaming down, her eyes almost like drowning. Her heart breaking and tattering some more.

She turned on the radio to drown her thoughts. To drown the pain that is slowly creeping in.

The same familiar Celesta tune she and Althea liked.


But would familiar save her at this instance?

“Sino ba ako kumpara kay Jade,” she asked herself.

She suddenly heard a rustle and before she knew it Althea was on the passenger seat.

Both Althea and Cathleen’s eyes were bloodshot from crying. Their faces flushed from the heartbreak.

Cathleen did not say a word, she just kept driving in silence. Althea wore her shades and slowly opened the car window.

Althea extended her hand, feeling the wind beneath her as Cathleen drove away.


That night Althea nestled on Cathleen’s neck. Both of them unable to sleep. In their sandos they were wrapped around each other in silence.

Until Althea broke the awkwardness.

“Babe, I am sorry,” Althea suddenly said.

“For what?”

“Having you see Jade like that,” Althea explained.

“It is fine. How--- is she?”

“Ok naman daw siya…”

“That is good,” Cathleen said dryly.

“Cathleen,” Althea murmured as she kissed Cathleen’s skin on her neck.

“Hm?”

“Gusto ko lang malaman mo --- you have nothing to worry about. I choose you. I choose you, Cathleen. I love you, please believe me,” Althea whispered as she embraced Cathleen tightly, squeezing harder. She felt something damp on her neck as Althea continued to kiss her there. Althea was crying.

Her old self would have attacked Jade. Would have waited for her in her pristine mansion and claim her territory with Althea. But somehow Cathleen already felt broken. Somehow it was as if even her soul has deteriorated and faded.

“Matulog na tayo, babe,” Cathleen said. She grabbed Althea’s small face and kissed her thoroughly. Almost inhaling Althea. Almost as if this may be the last time.

She smiled reassuring Althea that she was not sad. That she was fine. She knew. She knew Althea chose her.

Cathleen slowly turned to face the other side as Althea gathered her as a little spoon to cuddle.

When Cathleen shut her eyes, a large tear drop falls from her eye to her cheek to the bridge of her nose.

Her heart permanently broke that day.


---

2017. Year Two for Cathleen and Althea. The End Times.
__


The signs were there all along. But it was hard to see.

----
Althea had a huge surprise for Cathleen – they talked to a gallery in Makati willing to feature her work. Her very first big exhibit that will have a full on press release. That will have fellow artists finally recognize her girlfriend.

To Cathleen’s surprise - Althea was the main event organizer and coordinator for her gallery show. She was doing it for free. She was a proud girlfriend.

“Ikaw talaga ang kinuha nilang organizer – that is so exciting, Babe!” Cathleen exclaimed as they ate sisig for dinner.

Miggy was twelve now and was starting to get skinnier and lankier. Already getting his prepubescent voice and pimply skin.

“Mama! That is awesome na you are doing this for Tita Cathleen,” Miggy said as he took spoonfuls of the pork and rice.

“Awesome talaga, Miggy. Basta sa susunod nito, Cathleen sa Seattle Art Museum ka na! I claim it!” Althea exclaimed slamming her hand on the table.

Cathleen leaned her head on Althea’s shoulder.

“You still promise you are going to be my biggest fan in the Seattle Art Museum,” Cathleen said.

“Oo naman!”

---


Althea was so busy with preparing it – they said the whole set up may take a full eight months.

Althea took it on as one of her full time jobs. She was proud to do this for her girlfriend.

Althea was meeting with the Amorsolo Gallery to arrange some of the scheduling and set up for Cathleen Marie Dubois’ Exhibit.

She was dressed to the nines, wearing a pink pant suit and her new Chanel heels. Her rib tattoo peeking at the sides that had everyone’s heads spinning.

Althea was waiting in the office as she was browsing her phone for emails.

When the office door swung in – she saw the gallery manager, Manuel Abella a burly mestizo man who always tried to hit on Althea.

“ Well so Miss Beautiful Althea ---so we are probably going to have the target in six months so by January 2018- this should be ready,” Manuel explained as hurriedly got in and swiveled his chair.

His finger traced the layout in front of Althea as she figured out how to arrange the stage from what he was presenting.

As the two were busy discussing things back and forth. The office door suddenly swung in.

Althea was focused on the layout and casually she looked up to acknowledge the presence in front of her.

Her eyes darted back to the board that had the layout but then suddenly something settled in her brain and also her heart.

She slowly looked up again, lifting her head up and meeting the gaze of the presence.

“By the way, Althea – this is Jade Tanchingco – she is our new hire. She is one of our assistants here at the gallery,” Manuel said casually.

Jade- looked lovely in her black blazer and suit. Away from the usual pinks that Althea has seen her in. She was pallid as she slowly faced Althea, the tray of coffee cups she had was shaking.

Althea briskly walked towards Jade to help her with the tray. Their hands briefly touched.

Their hands quickly flinched away from the touch.

“I know her,” Althea said as she clenched her jaw, she said it in a cold manner to make a point.

The signs were there – you just have to look closer. That was what Cathleen said as she re-traced her steps in the past.


Jade offered to leave the role but Althea did not feel it was necessary. It was strictly business. Strictly professional.

Nothing went on between Jade and Althea. They kept their appropriate distance and they would only brush shoulders when passing by the corridors.

Jade would often watch Althea with Miggy and Cathleen. She would often watch from afar with a hollow heart and a bewildering pain filled with regret.

She watched as Miggy and Cathleen would play around with paint at the hallways of the kid’s gallery.

She would watch as Althea would meet them to give the two a quick kiss.

“Babe,” Althea would exclaim.

It was not how she envisioned her Lablab- happy with someone else.

Everything seemed in place.


But the signs were there. Cathleen thought when she looked back into the past.

Althea was vibrant in parties and photos. She still made love almost every night to Cathleen in their standard expectation.

She was still the boisterous Althea when it came to videoke. They still fought over politics and Kris Aquino.

They still enjoyed painting sessions with Miggy as if they are one big happy family.

But it was the quiet moments. The ones in the dark. The ones when Althea would sit in the garden just staring blankly into the night.

The ones when she would sit in her car for an hour before she would meet Cathleen and Miggy.

The times when the numbness and the void slowly would spread on her chest.

It was the time when she would just stay and sit by the rooftop looking at the stars as she would drink whisky by herself.

Cathleen saw it but she refused to face it. She refused to fight it.

It was those quiet times.

The signs. The cracks. The problems were not the ones they fought about. It was the ones they choose not to fight about.


When Althea told Cathleen that Jade was one of the administrative assistants in the gallery – she wanted to fight it and wanted to demand.

But somehow nothing came out of her throat.

Her heart permanently broke that day.
___

January 2018. The Final Days.


It was the time of Cathleen Marie Dubois’ Exhibit: Manila by Night

Althea made sure it was the best of both worlds for Cathleen. To offer the frenzied party vibe – with the eclectic EDM music and boisterous hip hop. With the blue fixtures of lights and glistening fountains. The stage set up like a mini concert.

All their friends were there. Cathleen’s parents who were fighting again. Wila and Batchi who were stuck in chismis talking about Team Jade vs Team Cathleen. And Cathleen’s friends from all over from France to her staff in Prohibition Bar.

People flocked as they looked at her paintings in awe, ranging from macabre to pulsating. Self- portraits and even depictions of Miggy were all in the paintings. But Althea – the raven haired girl with the big, sad eyes had the most exposure. The one popular feature from Cathleen was a painting of the two of them – painting and pouring paint on their faces. A depiction of the first night she ever slept with Althea. She called it “The Night I Fell for You”.

Somehow she felt something in the pit of her stomach that day of her exhibit. She felt an ache in her heart as she walked into the event in her red gown, with a camera following her. She looked at that artwork and somehow there was an ache building in her heart.

Amongst the crowd she saw Althea with a headset on and her girlfriend had a faint smile waving at her.

“I love you,” Althea mouthed.

“I love you too,” Cathleen whispered.



There was a digital camera on Cathleen’s face because part of the push of the gallery is to make it seem like a reality show.

The camera man is a young guy named Mark who was amused with Cathleen’s boisterous personality and crass humor.

“Ma’am Cathleen magbanyo lang po ako,ah. Babalik ako,” Mark said with a grin.

“Mark – teka – nasaan ba ang banyo baka susunod ako after some interviews.”

“Ma’am sa may kusina lang po. Doon lang po sa kanan,” Mark explained.

Cathleen nodded as she entered the crowd with a few interviewers asking her questions.

“Who was your inspiration for all this?”

“I would say the Filipino people the depictions here are both real and surreal – portraying things about struggles and even points of victory there,” she explained.

“And love. My girlfriend is portrayed in most of my paintings. When I am pissed off I paint her. When I love her – I paint her,” she laughed as she moved her hands frantically, animated as she talked about her love for Althea Guevarra.

For some reason that night everything was a blur as the crowds of people and lights were pacing towards her direction.

Cathleen was exhausted as she took off her Dolce and Gabbana shoes, walking and sneaking into the kitchen area to use the bathroom.

Just as when she was about to come in, the kitchen door swiveled and her shoulder bumped into a presence.

Cathleen looked up to see that it was Jade Tanchingco in pristine white who bumped into her.

“I—I am so sorry, Cathleen,” Jade said.

“I am sorry, Jade. Ok ka lang?” Cathleen asked.

Jade looked upset, she looked like she had tears in her eyes.

But Jade briskly walked away --- no ran away as soon as Cathleen asked.

Cathleen walked into the kitchen, it was like an industrial kitchen. Everything was steel or tiles. It was massive and the room almost illuminated only by a tiny iridescent light.

As she was headed to the rest room, she saw Mark’s Adorama camera lying around.

She noticed something peculiar about it, the red record button was on.

Cathleen smiled like a child as she grabbed it.

“Baka may mapanood ako dito,” she chuckled.

She was viewing her videos as she posed for the video camera through the little LCD screen.

She laughed quietly at her videos.

“God, I look like a dork!”

She was shown talking to people. She was shown high fiving her parents. She was shown kissing her girlfriend, Althea Guevarra and her adopted son, Miggy Guevarra.

She was fast forwarding through the clips as she got to the point of Mark leaving the camera on the kitchen table. She was fast forwarding again until she saw a figure… a familiar figure.

She paused the video and slowly pressed play.

There she saw Althea in her black dress that was picked out by Cathleen, wearing the headset, she was pacing back and forth.

But then there was a familiar figure who suddenly joined Althea.

It was Jade in a white dress.

Cathleen’s mouth went open as she watched it.

She turned up the volume because it was as if her heart is louder than the actual audio.

“Jade- hirap na hirap na ako – stop being around me,” Althea sounded like she was pleading, already in tears.

“I have been trying to avoid you for the past eight months, Althea,” Jade replied.

“Jade, I am already with Cathleen. Why are we even having this conversation in her event?!”

“I know that. And as I told you before I do not want to interfere or hurt her.”

“I am so sorry, Jade.”

“Bakit hindi mo ako hinintay, Althea? Why didn’t you even give me proper closure?”

Cathleen watched as the two of them were pacing back and forth. Jade was demanding answers.

“I need answers, Althea”

“ I have no answers, Jade! Cathleen was there --- minahal niya ako, tanggap siya ng pamilya, mahal niya si Miggy- she gave me her all. How can I not love her? I told myself that was everything you are not! You put me through so much, Jade! All the pain!”

“Don’t I at least deserve your honesty about this? Hindi yung malalaman ko nalang may girlfriend ka na pala. You cannot even wait a year.”

“Because I was afraid, Jade.”

“Afraid of what, Althea? MyGod, I need your honesty!”

“Afraid that I will come running back to you. And Jade – I am trying all my might not to,” Althea said with her voice betraying her.

“Why did we waste everything, Althea? Ano nangyari satin?”

There was a long pause. And Cathleen had a dread spreading through her body.

“Jade- mahal pa rin kita pero si Cathleen ang pinipili ko. It breaks my heart to say this, Jade but I still love you so damn much … and I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish I can give Cathleen this love but you are still here,” Althea pointed to her chest as she started breaking down.

Jade cupped Althea’s face but the other woman quickly turned away from her touch.

“Jade – I am with Cathleen so please get out of my life,” with that Althea started running away from the scene.

Cathleen watched as Jade suddenly knelt down to cry.

Cathleen’s face was blank as the video still kept going of just an almost pitch black kitchen. Her hand started trembling. There was suddenly a physical ache, almost a stab to her chest that went all the way to her throat. With that, she dropped the camera that smashed into smithereens.


There was a slow song playing outside in the gallery.

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurtin' from within
I have learned to live my life beside you

Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dream you'll come and touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreaming till my heartaches end


Then she felt it, the pain was no longer just creeping in, it was taking over her whole body like a storm. Cathleen holding on to her high heels as she decided to dash out of the party.

The wind was on the high and the rain started pouring as soon as Cathleen started running on to the exit doors and the concrete streets.

She wanted to believe that it was the rain that was streaming on her cheeks but she knew it was her hot tears.

She too had to kneel down, she had to cover her mouth and touch her chest. As if afraid the pain she was feeling right now will spill out.

She could feel her pulse in her ears. She could feel her heart just shattered to pieces.

It was permanently broken from that day a year ago.

“Talo na ako simula palang,” Cathleen whispered.

--

In the gallery Althea was walking around frantically asking where her girlfriend was.

“Nasaan si Cathleen? Nakita ninyo ba siya?”

Althea saw the camera man looking confused about his broken camera that was smashed all the way through.

_____

Present Day:

Cathleen turned on her Mac again trying to compose her email.

But the rain just reminded her of that night.

This time she was not going to fight it.

She will have the pain engulf her.

Drown her.

She shut her eyes and the tears came out nonstop.


“And if into my dream you'll come and touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreaming till my heartaches end”

-----

to be continued.

Not quite done because this epilogue will be a 2 –parter.

Keep reading. We are almost there.