Categories > TV > Frasier > The Cousins Crane
INT. FREDDY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
TITLE CARD: THE TRUTH
Freddy waits up in the living room. Finally David enters, and groans upon seeing him there.
DAVID
Oh, Christ. Freddy, save it, I don’t want to hear it.
FREDDY
So what were you planning on doing, standing outside her window with a boom box?
DAVID
God, are all your references over a hundred?
FREDDY
Oh, my references are old? David, you showed up out of the blue, to hook up with a woman who’s too old for you, and practically a member of the family. That’s been a bad idea since Oedipus! What were you thinking?
DAVID
I know, I know.
FREDDY
What you did here, it’s basically stalking!
DAVID
I know, okay? I screwed up! But I didn’t know what else to do. I love her.
FREDDY
Oh, please.
DAVID
You don’t get it. Should have known you wouldn’t get it.
FREDDY
A stupid teenaged whim? What’s there to get?
DAVID
Do you really think I can’t know what I want?
FREDDY
You’re nineteen, how could you? When I was nineteen, I thought I wanted to move to the middle of Montana and devote myself to a concept album built around experimental dulcimer.
DAVID
Dulcimer? Really? Yeah, Montana isn’t far enough.
FREDDY
Stop dodging, David! Even if you were in a love for the ages— which you aren’t —Alice told you it wasn’t going to happen, and you disrespected her. And you know what else? You used me.
DAVID
Oh, yeah. Let’s talk about the real victim here.
FREDDY
I was actually feeling glad you came to me for help. That I could be there for you while you were in a tough spot. Like family. Guess I was just an idiot to think.
DAVID
Well, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.
FREDDY
What are you even doing with yourself, David? Blowing off Yale, running after Alice? Where do you think you’re going to end up?
DAVID
Wow. You really do sound just like my dad.
FREDDY
How would you know? You haven’t even told him yet. That’s who keeps calling you, right? The ones you won’t pick up?
DAVID
No, not like— I mean… you always sound like him. Because you are just like him. And your dad, and my sister… so you always fit in just fine. But I never did. And nobody ever let me forget it. Guess I shouldn’t have expected any different from you.
FREDDY
Why wouldn’t you expect that? After all, I’m just a guy with an apartment who happens to have the same last name.
DAVID
Well, don’t worry. I’ll be out as soon as I can clear out my stuff.
He storms out.
FREDDY
You better mean the goddamn bear!
END OF ACT TWO.
TITLE CARD: THE TRUTH
Freddy waits up in the living room. Finally David enters, and groans upon seeing him there.
DAVID
Oh, Christ. Freddy, save it, I don’t want to hear it.
FREDDY
So what were you planning on doing, standing outside her window with a boom box?
DAVID
God, are all your references over a hundred?
FREDDY
Oh, my references are old? David, you showed up out of the blue, to hook up with a woman who’s too old for you, and practically a member of the family. That’s been a bad idea since Oedipus! What were you thinking?
DAVID
I know, I know.
FREDDY
What you did here, it’s basically stalking!
DAVID
I know, okay? I screwed up! But I didn’t know what else to do. I love her.
FREDDY
Oh, please.
DAVID
You don’t get it. Should have known you wouldn’t get it.
FREDDY
A stupid teenaged whim? What’s there to get?
DAVID
Do you really think I can’t know what I want?
FREDDY
You’re nineteen, how could you? When I was nineteen, I thought I wanted to move to the middle of Montana and devote myself to a concept album built around experimental dulcimer.
DAVID
Dulcimer? Really? Yeah, Montana isn’t far enough.
FREDDY
Stop dodging, David! Even if you were in a love for the ages— which you aren’t —Alice told you it wasn’t going to happen, and you disrespected her. And you know what else? You used me.
DAVID
Oh, yeah. Let’s talk about the real victim here.
FREDDY
I was actually feeling glad you came to me for help. That I could be there for you while you were in a tough spot. Like family. Guess I was just an idiot to think.
DAVID
Well, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.
FREDDY
What are you even doing with yourself, David? Blowing off Yale, running after Alice? Where do you think you’re going to end up?
DAVID
Wow. You really do sound just like my dad.
FREDDY
How would you know? You haven’t even told him yet. That’s who keeps calling you, right? The ones you won’t pick up?
DAVID
No, not like— I mean… you always sound like him. Because you are just like him. And your dad, and my sister… so you always fit in just fine. But I never did. And nobody ever let me forget it. Guess I shouldn’t have expected any different from you.
FREDDY
Why wouldn’t you expect that? After all, I’m just a guy with an apartment who happens to have the same last name.
DAVID
Well, don’t worry. I’ll be out as soon as I can clear out my stuff.
He storms out.
FREDDY
You better mean the goddamn bear!
END OF ACT TWO.
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