Categories > TV > Frasier > The Cousins Crane
INT. THE APARTMENT – DAY
TITLE CARD: THE UNCLE
David is packing, his stuff spread out across the room, when Freddy bursts in.
FREDDY
David! You gotta move!
DAVID
I’m going as fast as I can! Jesus, I’ll be out of your place soon, okay?
FREDDY
No! It’s not— ugh! We gotta clean this all up, fast!
He looks out over the mess and starts shoving David’s stuff under the furniture.
DAVID
Hey! What the hell, Freddy!?
FREDDY
David, you don’t understand— he’s coming!
DAVID
Who’s coming— oh, no. He’s coming here? I have to get out!
Suddenly the bell rings, and he groans.
FREDDY
It’s too late for that! We have to get this place together before he sees!
He grabs hold of Brody and starts dragging him away, but David seizes on to stop him. The bell rings again.
DAVID
Hey, let go of him!
FREDDY
No, he can’t find this here!
They yell and struggle over the bear until Freddy tumbles back, bringing Brody down on top of him. As David tries to drag the bear off, the front door opens to reveal David’s dad, NILES CRANE, twenty years older but still ramrod straight, still impeccably dressed, all the way from Seattle. The boys cut off their struggling and Niles surveys the scene.
NILES
Hm. I’d wondered why you were ducking my calls. But it looks like you had enough to deal with here.
FREDDY
Uncle Niles!
DAVID
Hey, Dad. What are you doing here?
NILES
Oh, you know. After dropping off a few thousand dollars’ worth of apology in New Haven, I thought I’d swing by and see how you were enjoying the world’s least exotic study abroad. A better question is, what are you doing here?
DAVID
I had some stuff to figure out.
NILES
And you couldn’t do that at the greatest learning institution in the country?
FREDDY
I’m sorry, excuse me?
NILES
Oh, the truth hurts, Harvard man.
FREDDY
No— I’m under a bear here!
David pulls the bear off Freddy, who staggers to his feet.
NILES
David, I don’t understand you. Every time we give you an opportunity, you throw it aside. Yale, math camp, that itinerant throat-singing instructor who only took eight students a year.
DAVID
Jesus.
NILES
Eight students, David! Who had to be under a certain age ceiling to catch the dream before it died! Why?
DAVID
Why bother explaining? You just said it. You never understand.
NILES
Well. Enough is enough. We have to get you back to New Haven to apologize to the dean before they cash the check.
FREDDY
Uncle Niles, wait! I don’t think that’s the right way to deal with this.
NILES
Let’s be serious, Freddy, if it takes groveling to get back in, David had better start crawling.
FREDDY
No, I mean… maybe David shouldn’t go back. I don’t think he belongs there.
NILES
Excuse me? He’s had some troubles, but he deserves the same chance as any other Crane man.
FREDDY
Not like that. It’s just… he’s not the same as we are. He’s a different kind of person. And I don’t think we’ve been accepting that. But he should get the chance to be himself, and I don’t think he can do that at Yale.
NILES
Then what should he be doing?
FREDDY
Well… he’s here. This is as good a place as any to figure it out. And I can be here to help him. He can stay with me, and I can keep an eye on him.
Niles wrestles with it.
FREDDY
Give him one year! Then if he hasn’t found something to do with himself, well, it won’t be because you didn’t give him a chance.
NILES
Is that what you want, David?
DAVID
I… yeah. I don’t want to go back. I’d rather stay here for a while. With Freddy.
NILES
You know, it’s funny. Yale was where I ran away to when my father didn’t understand me. But for you, that’s why you need to run away from Yale. All right. I’ll give you one year.
DAVID
Really?
NILES
What the hell. Maybe it’ll save me paying for a new wing.
DAVID
Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.
NILES
Well. There's something I haven't heard from you in a while. I guess I’ve made the right choice. Come on, boys, I flew all the way across the country, I might as well see the city. Freddy, is there an intimate boite where we can get appetizers and bottle service that we can stand to drink?
They head towards the door.
FREDDY
It’s overpriced and unbearably pretentious.
NILES
You know me so well.
TITLE CARD: THE UNCLE
David is packing, his stuff spread out across the room, when Freddy bursts in.
FREDDY
David! You gotta move!
DAVID
I’m going as fast as I can! Jesus, I’ll be out of your place soon, okay?
FREDDY
No! It’s not— ugh! We gotta clean this all up, fast!
He looks out over the mess and starts shoving David’s stuff under the furniture.
DAVID
Hey! What the hell, Freddy!?
FREDDY
David, you don’t understand— he’s coming!
DAVID
Who’s coming— oh, no. He’s coming here? I have to get out!
Suddenly the bell rings, and he groans.
FREDDY
It’s too late for that! We have to get this place together before he sees!
He grabs hold of Brody and starts dragging him away, but David seizes on to stop him. The bell rings again.
DAVID
Hey, let go of him!
FREDDY
No, he can’t find this here!
They yell and struggle over the bear until Freddy tumbles back, bringing Brody down on top of him. As David tries to drag the bear off, the front door opens to reveal David’s dad, NILES CRANE, twenty years older but still ramrod straight, still impeccably dressed, all the way from Seattle. The boys cut off their struggling and Niles surveys the scene.
NILES
Hm. I’d wondered why you were ducking my calls. But it looks like you had enough to deal with here.
FREDDY
Uncle Niles!
DAVID
Hey, Dad. What are you doing here?
NILES
Oh, you know. After dropping off a few thousand dollars’ worth of apology in New Haven, I thought I’d swing by and see how you were enjoying the world’s least exotic study abroad. A better question is, what are you doing here?
DAVID
I had some stuff to figure out.
NILES
And you couldn’t do that at the greatest learning institution in the country?
FREDDY
I’m sorry, excuse me?
NILES
Oh, the truth hurts, Harvard man.
FREDDY
No— I’m under a bear here!
David pulls the bear off Freddy, who staggers to his feet.
NILES
David, I don’t understand you. Every time we give you an opportunity, you throw it aside. Yale, math camp, that itinerant throat-singing instructor who only took eight students a year.
DAVID
Jesus.
NILES
Eight students, David! Who had to be under a certain age ceiling to catch the dream before it died! Why?
DAVID
Why bother explaining? You just said it. You never understand.
NILES
Well. Enough is enough. We have to get you back to New Haven to apologize to the dean before they cash the check.
FREDDY
Uncle Niles, wait! I don’t think that’s the right way to deal with this.
NILES
Let’s be serious, Freddy, if it takes groveling to get back in, David had better start crawling.
FREDDY
No, I mean… maybe David shouldn’t go back. I don’t think he belongs there.
NILES
Excuse me? He’s had some troubles, but he deserves the same chance as any other Crane man.
FREDDY
Not like that. It’s just… he’s not the same as we are. He’s a different kind of person. And I don’t think we’ve been accepting that. But he should get the chance to be himself, and I don’t think he can do that at Yale.
NILES
Then what should he be doing?
FREDDY
Well… he’s here. This is as good a place as any to figure it out. And I can be here to help him. He can stay with me, and I can keep an eye on him.
Niles wrestles with it.
FREDDY
Give him one year! Then if he hasn’t found something to do with himself, well, it won’t be because you didn’t give him a chance.
NILES
Is that what you want, David?
DAVID
I… yeah. I don’t want to go back. I’d rather stay here for a while. With Freddy.
NILES
You know, it’s funny. Yale was where I ran away to when my father didn’t understand me. But for you, that’s why you need to run away from Yale. All right. I’ll give you one year.
DAVID
Really?
NILES
What the hell. Maybe it’ll save me paying for a new wing.
DAVID
Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.
NILES
Well. There's something I haven't heard from you in a while. I guess I’ve made the right choice. Come on, boys, I flew all the way across the country, I might as well see the city. Freddy, is there an intimate boite where we can get appetizers and bottle service that we can stand to drink?
They head towards the door.
FREDDY
It’s overpriced and unbearably pretentious.
NILES
You know me so well.
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