Categories > Original > Mystery

Getting Away From Murder

by narwhalpuppy 0 reviews

Paradise PD must defeat a killer in a ninja suit.

Category: Mystery - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Published: 2019-02-13 - 4362 words - Complete

0Unrated


This fanfiction is a milestone. Why?

1. It's my very first Paradise PD fanfiction an awesome new show on Netflix. From the makers of Brickleberry.

2. This is Going to have an M rating. So prepare for F bombs!

3. My 40th fanfiction!

Really really hope Paradise PD gets a huge fanbase!




Paradise PD Presents


A Narwhal Puppy Production


Getting Away From Murder



In a small backwater town inappropriately named Paradise there was a corrupt and dirty police force called the Paradise PD. Randall Crawford, father of Kevin Crawford was the chief of police. However Randall now has to live on testosterone patches since Kevin accidently shot off his testicles when he was a child. Kevin was now a policeman working for his father who so eagerly wanted to follow in his father's footsteps. On the force was the usual ragtag team of misfits. Bullet a German Shephard who was addicted to cocaine and his favorite drug Argyle Meth. Gerald Fitzgerald who was formerly in the Chicago PD but was now suffering from PTSD and he is working for Paradise PD now and does not like 'white people shit'. He was now doing everything he can to overcome it. There was Stanley Hopson. A senile and decrepid old man who refuses to retire and is a homosexual. All because the Paradise PD doesn't have a pension plan for him. Stanley tells stories of his days having gay sex with several famous people throughout history. Whether or not it was true, remains a mystery. Gina Jabrowski is considered the best cop on the Paradise force. Gina has extreme anger issues due to her being from a family of poor trashy criminals and she was even shot in the back of the head when she was a child that landed her in a coma for years to come. Last but not least, Dusty Marlowe. At almost 500 pounds and is a total man child. Dusty is also a collector of cats. Gina always tries to persue a romantic relationship for him on account of her fat fetish.


A man in a ninja costume was running around the town of Paradise chopping people's heads off left and right. Men, women, and even children fell victim to him. The Ninja clothed man even made the headlines on national news. Anderson Cooper was reporting. "Today in the town of Paradise there is a serial killer on the loose killing dozens of people. What the motive is it's unknown. We do know however the Ninja is of Japanese descent. He is named the 'Japanese Headmaster'. We now go live to our local news correspondent....." A TV is turned off and the scene is changed to the Paradise PD department. Randall announces on the podium, "Did you hear that people! We can't have this shit going on in our town!"

Bullet comes out of the evidence room high on Argyle Meth. "What did I miss?" "Dammit Bullet! Again with the meth!" yelled Randall. Fitz added, "I know. I dealt with an ass like him back in Chicago!" Gina revs, "I wanna be the one who catches this fucking son of a bitch! And he'll be a perfect arrest for my scrap book!"

"Yes, Gina! We all know you'd like to be the first to arrest him. Back to the matter at hand, we need to catch this assfuck Japanese Headmaster! If he is not caught I'll have to demand for everyone's resignation!" Randall orders all his policeman then turns over to Bullet, "Especially YOU!" Bullet was higher than helium and he just ignored Randall yelling at him.

Dusty says, "Oh no! Gotta make sure that Headmaster doesn't come after my cats! Or worse! Possum Pizza! Please! Not my cats or my pizza!" Stanley makes a remark, "Japanese eh? Back in World War 2, I used to entertain Japanese troops for the USO! Tokyo Rose is what they called me......." Randall says, "Whatever Stanley! Hey, where's Kevin?"

In the office, Kevin was watching movies. Randall finds him.

"Kevin! This is no time for Netflix! We got a Japanese Headmaster on our hands!"

"I already know!" responds Kevin.

"What do you mean you already know? Doesn't mean you can watch movies all day!"

"Watched the news about the Japanese Headmaster dude and everything!" said Kevin.

"Then why aren't you helping us kick this guy's balls!" said Randall.

Kevin tells his father, "I'm watching some ninja movies to get inspiration on how to catch him!"

"Which ones I wonder." said Randall.

"The Last Samarai, Mask of the Ninja, and Ninja Master!" answered Kevin. "Last Samarai with with that assholes Tom Cruise? Ha! More like Last Scientologist!" Randall said.

Stanley walks in and says, "That young generation watches too much television!!

"Tell me something I don't know." said Randall. "Add it to the fact they get too much inspiration from it too!"


As the Japanese Headmaster was going around committing murders by chopping off people's heads. He is also known to collect the heads and keep them in his closet. The Japanese Headmaster's looks at his collection of decapitated heads proudly as he laughs evilly!

"Time for sushi!" he said. Back at the Paradise PD. The police were trying to talk about ways to stop the Japanese Headmaster. "I'm open for suggestions!" Randall says. Bullet raises his hand.

"You Bullet!"

"Uh, can I sniff him to see if he's on cocaine!"

Randall yells, "Absolutely not! You Fitz! This better not be one of your Wicca things."

"No it's not. The best way to catch this Ninja man is with love!" said Fitz. Gina then raises her hand.

"Yes Gina!"

"I say we fight violence with violence."

"Can make my fried chicken again and make the Ninja eat it." Dusty said. Referring to the time Dusty made his fried chicken out of cocaine and got Randall addicted and got messed up with Mexican Drug Cartel.

"Nope!" said Randall. "You Stanley!"

"I fuck him up the ass with my sperm and make the sumbitch like it!"

"NOPE!" Randall yells.

Fitz raises his hand. "I got it!"

Randall said, "Let's hear it."

"How about we start a Buddhist Revivial and see if the Japanese Headmaster will show up there!" suggests Fitz.

"That may be the shittest idea I ever heard but it's fucking brilliant! I like it!" said Randall.

Kevin walks in, "So we're going to do a mock Buddhist Revival?" "Yes we are! And because you shot me in the balls, you're going to be the one who builds it!"

"Yes Dad!" salutes Kevin.





*





As the day goes on, Kevin Crawford was building what was going to be the mock Buddhist Revival with hopes of entrapping the Japanese Headmaster. Fitz comes by.


"Hey, Fitz! What are you doing here?" asks Kevin.

"I go to these Buddhist Revivals all the time. So I want to help you." offers Fitz.

"If you'd like. You go to these Revivals too?" asked Kevin.

"Therapist says it's good for my PTSD." said Fitz who then looks all over. Soon takes notice that the mock Revival was at the same exact place where the rallies were held. Blue Lives Matter on one side, Black Lives Matter on the other. Fitz began to glare nervously.

"Is there a problem, Fitz?" asked Kevin.

"Just this place brings back a shitty bad memory." Fitz said. "Oh yes I remember. You caused that uproar about...." laughs Kevin.

"Shut up about it. Let me get my zen on and help you build this thing." said Fitz not wanting to be reminded.

In no time at all, the Buddhist Revival was finished being built. Randall comes by for inspection.

"Well done. Now we all wait for people to come and if that Japanese Headmaster shows up! We nab his ass and balls with ninja stars!"

Later that day, people actually showed up for the Buddhist Revival. It was even a souviner shop inside. Kevin was put in charge of taking it down.

Randall calls Kevin, "Kevin! If you want to prove you're a good cop. Check out anyone who might be wearing a Ninja Outfit!"

Gina, Dusty, Fitz, and Stanley were there with Kevin. They all begin to take notice that there were lots of people wearing Ninja Costumes.

"How are we going to know which one is the real Headmaster?" shouts Dusty.

"Not so loud, Dusty! Don't let them hear you!" said a cautious Fitz.

"Errr, not sure what to do here...." said Kevin.

"Putting you the head of this operation was a huge mistake." snarked Gina.

Stanley says, "This is like the 1939 Oscars Awards! I was in the back room with Cary Grant and....."

"Either people thought this was a Ninja Cosplay party or the Japanese Headmaster has a cult following! Ted Bundy sure had one!" Fitz said.

Bullet shows up with a plan. "Call me the man with the plan. I know what to do here."

Entering the Buddhist Revival Bullet asks everyone, "Hey, does anyone here know where I can find some good pictures of the Emperor to spit on?"

Everyone at the Buddhist Rev ival all looked at Bullet as if they wanted to kill him! "You disgrace Japan!" "Kill this fucker!" Bullet had all the people chase him out of the revival and then the Paradise PD attacked anyone in Ninja Costumes in hopes to find the Japanese Headmaster. Gina was enjoying it, "I love beating up Ninjas! Almost as much fun I had beating up those nerds!"

Stanley was trying to beat them with his cane, "Get outta my way you damned Japanese bastards!"

Bullet used some cocaine to stun some of them. Fitz was meditating then punching any Ninja Costumed people who came his way. Dusty was being held upside down by one of them. "HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!" Kevin then knocked that Ninja out. "Anyone in a Ninja Costume is under arrest!"

"Because there's a Japanese Headmaster on the loose and any one of you one of you could be him!" Gina said. "Time to slap these cuffs on y'all!" Hidden in the bushes was the real Japanese Headmaster. "Paradise PD? They were after me! I make police PAY!"

The people in the Ninja Costumes were now at the Paradise PD station.

Randall was at his desk as he saw Kevin walk in. "Did you get that head chomping asshat!"

"Better than that! We caught everyone who showed up!" Kevin said excitedly. Fitz was leading the people in Ninja Costumes who got arrested. Some of them acting high after Bullet subdued them with cocaine.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Randall yelled angerly. "One of them could be the culprit! That's why we did it." explains Dusty. Randall proceeds to take off their costumes. Two of them turned out to be Robert and Dilbert. "What were you two doing in that Buddhist Revival?" Randall asks. "We thought it was a Ninja Party!" said Dilbert. "Are one of you the Japanese Headmaster?" yells Randall. "Hell no! We don't know nothin' about no headmaster!" said Robert. "It's all over the news." said Fitz. "Never watch the news." said Dilbert. "You two are still suspects we have reason to be suspicious of you!" said Randall. Gina comes up to Robert and Dilbert with a nightstick. "These two could be the ones. They did make an arms deal with the Russian Mob!" Kevin took off more costumes and some people were revealed to be a protest group for ending offensive oriental stereotypes. "Come on people! Lets take the suicide pills"! The protest groups all take suicide pills and they all convulsed until they died. Bullet said, "No wonder they were chasing me."

"Get the other suspects in Ninja Costumes!" said Randall. Kevin takes one off and it's a muscle man in a ballet tutu. "Are you the one chopping people's heads off?" asked Kevin. "Uhhh, no." "Why are you wearing a dress?" "I don't even know what murder is. I indentify as a woman." said the man in the ballet tutu. "Oh shit! Not identity politics!" Randall spouted off. Fitz takes some off and one of them was Neil Patrick Harris. "I don't go around decapatating people! I was at home telling me kids how I meet their mother!" Some were the cast of Malcolm in the Middle, and Grounded for Life. "These people are has been sitcom actors! Donal Logue! Bryan Cranston! WHAT THE FUCK!" Randall shouts then realizes he was running out of testoterone and takes one of his hormone patches. "Uhhh, that's better." "I'm not a has been! Breaking Bad made me a star!" Bryan Cranston says. Stanley looks at them all, "None of these guys look slant eyed! We're screwed!"

Randall's temper flares over him, "I wanted to do a sting operation and expected it to be done right! You all did a shitty job! Might as well have Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy from The Heat work for me!" Randall hits his palms on his desk then suddenly the TV turns on. With more news about the Japanese Headmaster. "Anderson Cooper's back on!" said Dusty.

"No it's CBS Evening News with Scott Pelley." said Fitz. "Good Evening I'm Scott Pelley. Our story tonight is the Ninja clad serial killer known as the Japanese Headmaster whos been on the loose in a town called Paradise. Here he is now with a message for the Paradise PD Police Department. Over to you, Japanese Headmaster."

"This is a message for the Paradise PD! I kill you all! Be better killer than Robert Durst! If I see any of you anywhere! I will hunt you down, and chop off your head and it will be a nice addition for my collection!" Scott Pelley said, "Thank you Japanese Headmaster. Wait? Am I still the host of this news show? Coming up next......." Kevin turns off the TV. "Really fucked up this time, huh Dad?" "Now we have to go into hiding! Better take some drugs." Bullet said trying to go into the evidence room for more cocaine but Randall stopped him.

"We need to come up with something!" Gina said. "How can we? If that headmaster sees any of us we're dead." said Dusty. "As Bullet said we will go into hiding! Only one of you can go out and try to arrest this son of a bitch!"

"Damn that Headmaster is some spooky shit! I say we hide in a grocery store." suggested Fitz. "Last time I watch CBS News. More white people get their news from CBS News than from any other source." "Think that's ABC!" said Kevin. "Fuck CBS and ABC! The best news is MSNBC!" Bullet implies.

Randall said, "Fitz has a good concept there. We stay here in the Police Station until 11 pm when the grocery store closes." "What happens at 11 pm?" asked Kevin. "We go to the grocery store and hide! What else!" said Bullet.




*




Once the clock struck 11 pm, the Paradise PD found themselves hiding in a local grocery store. Bullet was looking around trying to cope as well as finding his next fix, that he didn't have any cocaine, so he runs to where the cold medicine is. "There's got to be something I can get high with somewhere!" Bullet finds some Sudafed. "This'll be good for now." Bullet takes out all the Sudafed in a little box and crushes them all and snorts them. Bullet was satisfied.

"This is the lowest we ever stooped, hiding in a grocery store". Gina said then she tries to snuggle close to Dusty, "At least I got you, baby!" Dusty tries to back away from Gina. "The restraining order isn't up yet!" Dusty told her. Gina then got some candy bars and Dusty gave into the temptation. "Candy bars I don't have to pay for!" Dusty said delightedly. "Eat 'em big boy! I want you even fatter!" Gina said in a seductive tone. STanley chimes in about the grocery store, "Back in my day! We had Woolworths! That's where I got my first condom! Or maybe it was a contraceptive....can't remember now."

"Of all the murders we solved now we have to get away from murder. Catch my drift?" asked Kevin. "Maybe it is good to stay away from murder! Like forever!" said Fitz. Then Fitz has an idea. "Hows about I play some relaxing music?" Fitz gets out an MP3 player and the song Heroin by Bad Flower plays. "It may be white people shit. But It'll do." Stanley was disgusted by the rock song, "Put on some Perry Cuomo! This shit sucks!" Bullet comes to them all high, and hallcinates that the music notes were flying around. "Wow! I can see the music! Crank it up, man!" "BULLET! You on Sudafed now?" screamed Randall. "How can you tell? This stuff is amaze balls!" Bullet said. "I can smells drugs from miles away!" Randall informs Bullet.

"This grocery store looks like that one from the movie GO." observes Kevin. "All right Paradise PD. I've decided." said Randall. "What's the plan, Dad?" asked Kevin. "One of you is going to go out and face the Japanese Headmaster!" "Let me do it, I'll tear him a new spleen and make him watch me eat it!" Gina said jumping at the chance. "No I don't want to lose my best officer. What I need is my worst officer!" said Randall. "I better not be your worst cop, dammit!" Stanley said in anger. "Nope." said Randall to Stanley. "I'll do it." Bullet offers. "No, not you!" Randall said. "Me Dad? This could be my chance to finally...." "No not you Kevin! Who's the worst cop on my team....." Randall was in wonderment. "Why don't you pick Dusty for the job?" asks Fitz. "What, wait? Me? Why?" said Dusty. "Fitz you're a genius! Dusty! You're going out there!" Randall points at Dusty. "But....but.....but....I don't wanna! I don't know any kung fu!" Dusty begged.

"Go on out there, Dusty! I want you ready when I rescue you!" Gina said. "All in favor of Dusty going as the sacrificial lamb!" Kevin says. "My vote goes to Dusty!" said Bullet. "Same here!" "Oh yeah, Dusty!" Agreeing with the unanimoius decision, Randall said, "Guess the decision is final! Dusty is it! Get your 550 pound ass out there!" Dusty begins to sob, "Yes boss!" Dusty goes out of the grocery store to await the fate that was set upon him. "Why did we send him?" asks Kevin. "He's an easy target?" Bullet answers. "No so once the Japanese Headmaster kidnaps him, we follow him, and nail his ass!" Randall says.

Outside the grocery store, Dusty was pacing back and forth. "Wish my cats was here. Why does Fitz need a therapist? i sure could use one right about now." Dusty was feeling sad and sorry for himself that he was the one sent out as decoy and a lure for the Japanese Headmaster. Dusty thinks he saw a black steak move by him. "Uh, heh,.....hello? Anybody here?" Dusty calls out. The Japanese Headmaster still clothed in a Ninja Costume comes behind Dusty and gives him a wedgie! "AAAHHHH!! OH NO! IT'S HIM!" Dusty screeams. "You from Paradise PD! You come with me!" said the Japanese Headmaster who got a grappling hook and grabbed Dusty and shot the hook at the roof. Dusty was kidnapped. Randall saw the whole thing.

"The plan worked! This is it! Everything is all set! Let's move it!" Randall orders his team. "The black guy, lets send him!" STanley suggests. "Too late, Stanley!" Randall yelled.


As the night passes on, Dusty finds himself in a wooden shack out in a vacant farmland. Dusty finds the Japanese Headmaster sitting at a table. "Good you up! Now you my slave!" said the Japanese Headmaster. "Why did I have to be the one who gets abducted?" Dusty said sadly. "You Dusty Marlowe, right?" "You guessed it right." Dusty said hanging his head. "I kidnap you because you grandfather helped America overthrow Tojo in World War 2!" Japanese Headmaster explains his plan. "Are people ever going to get over World War 2?" asks Dusty. "That's why I've been chopping heads off. Hoping I would find you, fatty!" said The Japanese Headmaster. "Now that you my prisoner you do everything I tell you! If no you head go into my collection!" The Japanese Headmaster threatens Dusty as he shows off to him his collection of bloodied severed heads.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOO!" Dusty screams fearfully until he gives in, "OKay I'll do anything you tell me! What's your deal?" asked Dusty to the Japanese Headmaster. "First I want you do to karaoke. To the Elle King song, Shame, then you watch the movie Dr. Jeckyll and Mrs Hyde.!" "Anything to stay alive.' said Dusty who felt like he had to go into survival mode.

The Paradise PD were in their police cars on their way to rescue Dusty and defeat the Japanese Headmaster. Back at the wooden shack, Dusty was standing on a table singing Shame by Elle King. The Japanese Headmaster said, "You look like Elle King without her female parts!" Dusty was finished he was forced to watch Dr. Jeckyll and Mrs. Hyde. Dusty tries to negoitate with his captor. "You know, killing me just to get back at my grandfather for what he did in the war to your country really isn't going to end all your conflicts."

"More watching less talk." the Japanese Headmaster ordered. Once the movie was finished, Dusty was taken into the farmland and given a shovel. "Want me to shovel some cow shit?" "Dig for diamonds!" ordered the Headmaster. "How did you find out about me anyway," Dusty asks that he could not help but wonder. "Found your background on one of those People Find websites. Now Dig for diamonds!" "Sure." Dusty was being forced into hard labor by digging in the farmland. Until he digs a hole deep enough to put a human inside. Dusty was dead tired. "There are no diamonds that I can see. Nothing more I can do. Sorry!"

"DIG FOR DIAMONDS!" The Japanese Headmaster screamed then Dusty goes into a venomous rage. "Dig for diamonds yourself, fuckass!" Dusty breaks the shovel which frustrates the Japanese Headmaster. Dusty walks away from the farmland, "I'm not gonna do this no more........." "BONZAI!" shouted the Headmaster as he threw a samarai sword into the air. Dusty continues to rant, "Gonna go back to my mama and......" Dusty got his head chopped off which went flying. Dusty was still talking, "Hey, I can fly!" "BONZAI" proudly boasted the Japanese Headmaster until Bullet comes from behind him and bites him in the leg. Dusty's head landed in a kid's birthday party on top of the cake. The children were singing Happy Birthday and screamed in shock once they saw Dusty's severed head on the cake. Fitz saw Dusty's decapitated head and took it off the cake, "Dusty! Dusty! What has he done to you?" Dusty's head can still talk and says, "Have some fried chicken!" "You need an ambulance!" said Fitz.

Stanley poked the Japanese Headmaster in the eye with his walker. Kevin tackled him, and Randall hit the Japanese Headmaster with brass knuckles. Kevin gets a broken traffic light and hits the Japanese Headmaster on the head with it, "Green mean go! As in go to jail!" Kevin said. Gina throws them off and says, "I'll take over from here boys! What did you do to Dusty?" Japanese Headmaster was now weakened from the blows he was suffering from and told Gina, "Want for him slave so he can dig for diamonds!"

Gina's rage boiled over her, "You enslaved Dusty! If anyone is going to enslave him, it's gonna be me!" "No please no! Just wanted revenge for Japan!" the Japanese Headmaster begged. "You're gonna be yaki-soba Takoyaki once I'm done with you!"

Bullet, Stanley, Kevin, and Randall watched as Gina was disemboweling the Japanese Headmaster. "Keep him alive Gina so we can send him to prison!" Randall said. Gina finished him by kicking him in the face. "Mamas Home bitches!" Fitz comes with Dusty's severed head and was crying, "Dusty! Dusty! Oh woe is Dusty!" "We can take him to Dr. Fudlicker." suggests Kevin.



*


Two weeks later. The whole chaos surrounding the Japanese Headmaster was over. People in Paradise could not be more happier. and threw a town party for the Paradise PD. "No more Japanese headmaster!" announces Randall to the citizens of Paradise. "What happened to Dusty?" asked Kevin. Dr. Fudlicker had Dusty in a wheelchair. Dusty's head was sewn back on. "I'm gonna be okay!" Dr. Fudlicker explains, "It was a long hard process but I managed to sew his head back on." "When will he be back in work?" asked Bullet. "He can report tomorrow. Have a nice day." Dr. Fudlicker said. Gina caresses him, "Ooooh! I can play wet nurse with you now!" Randall said, "Lets get back to headquarters everyone, we've done enough celebrating for one day."

"I remember my first celebration in Key West when I tongue kissed Ernest Hemmingway." Stanley said but everyone ignored him. "So Dad, what happened to the Japanese Headmaster?" asked Kevin. "Lucky for us Gina didn't butcher him so I gave him a a punishment that was fitting." said Randall. "Did you give him the death penalty." asked Bullet. "Something better!" said Randall. The scene changes into a jungle like setting and the Japanese Headmaster found himself being chased by Predators from those movies.

Dusty gets up from his wheelchair and the Paradise PD was ready for their next case. "Get ready I'm coming!" Dusty ran to the policecar but found himself running backwards because when his head was sewn back on Dusty now had his backside on the front. Dusty runs into a woman's restroom and breaks down the wall with all the women running out chasing him angerly.

Fitz and Stanley saw the whole thing, "Eeeeew! That's gross!" Stanley spewed. "Man that is so fucking crazy about Dusty!" said Fitz. "Better him than us!!" said Bullet who was pleased to be snorting cocaine again.


The Paradise PD were now working on their next case.




The End



The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production.
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