Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Tired of always coming in second place to Robert and Dilbert. Randall is determined to win at the Paradise Horse Races. (Second Paradise PD Fanfiction)
Paradise PD Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Enter Horse-Man
Located in the middle of the town of Paradise there was a horse track. Where people come to bet on the fastest horse. A horse race was going on as people cheered on. The whole scene turned off like a television set and it changes to the Paradise PD Police Station. Stanley Hopson was asleep. There was but one horse who had a reputation for being the fastest and most unbeatable horse in all of Paradise. The horses' name was Fast Nebraska. Randall rants on, "Every year! Every fucking year!" "What are you talking about?" asks Fitz. "Fast Nebraska! That's who!" said Randall. "What's your beef with that horse anyway?" Dusty wondered. "It's horse racing season here in Paradise. My dad gets competitive about it." Explains Kevin. "Too bad Dusty ain't a horse! I'd ride him all day!" Gina exclaims. "That's sexual harrassment! We talked about this." Dusty said. "Everyone shut up! I always enter my horse this time of year. As you all know my horse is named," Randall turns to Kevin. "Say it's name, Kevin!" "Army Jet." "Correct!" said Randall. Fitz complains, "I'm not into horse racing. That's rich white people shit." "This involves you too, Fitz! In fact, all of you are going to help me train Army Jet to finally put Fast Nebraska in it's place!" Randall shouts. Bullet comes out of the evidence room. "You don't need training! You all need is argyle meth! Just inject some into your horse and sssssshhoooootttttttt! Your horse will be the swiftest!"
"No! No drugs or inventory on the horses, Bullet!" yelled Randall. "Guess you're determined to beat your rivals this year. What are their names again? The owners of a video place......hmmmmmm......I know! Robert and Dilbert!" laughs Bullet. Randall gets in Bullet's face, "Don't say those names to me during horse race season!" Stanley wakes up, "Horse Races, eh? Used to drink drippin' jizz from jockeys back in the Roaring Twenties!" Gina says, "Nobody gives two shits about that, Stanley!" "Gina is right. Now Kevin, come home with me to get Army Jet." "Okay Dad! Can everyone else come too?" asks Kevin. "Everyone report to my house tomorrow at 1300 hours!" demands Randall. "Military time, damn! We went by that in Chicago." Fitz said. Every single year, Randall has had a long rivalry with Robert and Dilbert over the annual Horse Races. Randall this time around, made a vow not to lose to them. Robert and Dilbert were the owners of Fast Nebraska. The next morning all the Paradise PD officers were at Randall's house where he leads them to a horse stable. His ex-wife, Karen comes outside.
"Uh, Randall. I got some news and it isn't good." Karen informs Randall. "It's not about Army Jet is it?" asks Kevin in concern. "Afraid it is. You see, Army Jet died of natural causes." "What! No! I've kept Army Jet in tip top condition!" said Randall. Dusty sobs, "Wah hahhhhh waahhhhh hahhhh! Although I never knew him, Army Jet was a good racing horse!" Fitz declares, "Probably ran him to death. This is why horse racing should be banned!" Karen leads Randall and Kevin to the horse stable. "You might want to pay your last respects." Much to their denial, they all see Army Jet laying on the stable floor. Without a doubt, Army Jet was dead. "I'll help you give him a proper burial Dad!" Kevin speaks tearfully. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NNNNOOO! SHIT!!!!!!! The horse races are in four days! And now I don't have a horse with which to race! THIS IS SPARTA!" Randall screams in the sky. "He always uses that 300 movie yell whenever someone he knows dies." said Karen. "Sorry, Randall."
As they were going to leave the stables, Gina hears some munching noises, "The hell?" Everyone turns around and sees Bullet eating Army Jet. "Damn! That's one dirty dog!" Fitz said. "What? Look at this, I'm eating straight from the horse's mouth!" cracks up Bullet. Dusty wants in, "Can I try that horse meat! Heard it's mighty good!" Gina pulls him away. Randall gets pissed, "If you get sick you can throw up in it's grave! Each and every one of you is going to help me find a horse!" Kevin says, "That's correct! Whoever gets the horse first gets a promotion!" "NO! Nothing like that! You all have until tomorrow! Any questions?" Randall orders his officers. Fitz comes forward, "Yes, why not learn some of Robert's and Dilbert's secrets?" "What are you getting at, Fitz?" said Randall. "Maybe we can spy on them, see what it is they do. How they keep beating you." "Just get a horse by tomorrow! I only train my racehorse my own way! The Randall Crawford way!"
"And what way is that? You never really told me." said Kevin.
*
By the next early afternoon, The Paradise PD officers were at a horse farm. The farm was aptly named "Rent-A-Horse". "Someone is sure to give us a horse here for the race." said Kevin. Bullet now having an addiction for horse meat sees a dead horse rotting in the sun. "JACKPOT! See you later, asses!" A farmer came up to Kevin, Gina, Stanley, and Dusty. "Hey, hogs. Welcome to Rent-A-Horse how can I be of your service." They notice Fitz was gone, Gina calls him on his radio. "Fitz! Come on! Where the fuck are you?" Fitz was at the parking lot of Paradise VHS as he saw Robbie and Dilbert training their horse, Fast Nebraska. "Oh, hey Gina. Don't tell nobody this but I'm studying how Robbie and Dilbert are training their horse".
"Get your ass over to the Rent-A-Horse Farm!" demands Gina. "I'll be there, shortly." Fitz said. Robbie and Dilbert were training Fast Nebraska in ballet and football training equipment. "Ha! So that's is their M.O." Robbie says, "Ready to win another horse race Dilbert and beat Randall Crawford again?" Dilbert says, "Yeah, we beat him every year! And the year before and the year before that!" "Nothing like good old fashion football style training!" said Robbie. "Can I take credit for the football training too?" asked Dilbert. "No, you can take credit for the ballet!" laughed Robbie. "You sumbitch! I'm in on this as much as you are!" Dilbert telling off his friend.
Fitz goes to the Rent-A-Horse Farm. Stanley looks at a stallion. "I say we pick this young'un! Bought a horse for Clark Gable once for his movie Gone With The Wind. Of course I had to give him a rim job for it." Kevin sees a spotted horse, "This will be better. We can call him 103 Dalmations!" Gina growled, "Stupid shit name for a horse! Unless you're into Disney! Pick a better one!" Dusty gets bored and he walks into a barn. Much to his delight he sees a bowl full of horse pills that he thinks is candy. "Hmmm! HMMMM! I found some fine good candy!" Dusty helps himself to the pills and notices there's no taste. Fitz comes into the barn. "Came here as soon as I could. Got some dibs on Robbie and Dilbert." Fitz saw Dusty eat the pills. "Sheez, this candy has no flavor."
The farmer from the Rent-A-Horse shows Gina, Stanley, and Kevin, "How's about this one?" "Nah, Dad won't like that." said Kevin. Bullet drags a dead horse and Stanley, Gina, and Kevin suspiciously. "What? I love the way horse taste! I should try it with cocaine!" Back in the barn, Fitz confronts Dusty. "Do you realize what you did?" "Eatin' candy?" asked Dusty innocently. Fitz said in shock, "No you dumb fatass fucker!" "Is it candy! What else could it be?" asked Dusty who was still clueless. Fitz tells him, "Don't you know that was horse pills you ate! Why else didn't it have 'flavor'"! Dusty came to the realization. "You're right. Thought it tasted like Grandma's aspirin and........." Dusty jumped and slapped his hands on the sides of his head and screams.
"HORSE PILLS!" Even the words "HORSE PILLS" shown on top of Dusty's head. Fitz saw that Dusty was hyperventilating. "Oh gosh! Oh sweet momma! What did I do! What have I done!" Fitz tries to calm Dusty down, "Calm down Dusty. It's all right. I know all about panic. We'll get you to a hospital, and just get your stomach pumped." Dusty was crying then he noticed he was turning into a horse at an alarming rate. Dusty's head morphed into a horse's head, then his hands and feet became hooves. A tail grew out of him.
Fitz takes some of the pills that weren't ingested. "Have to research this later."
"HHHEEEELLLLLPPP! Won't be able to get into my tux now!" Not knowing what to think, Fitz exclaims, "Oh Damn!" Dusty was now 100% horse. "Am.....am I a horse now?" cries Dusty. "Afraid you are, my friend." said Fitz. Dusty looks at himself in a mirror and sees that he had indeed turned into a horse.
"If only there was some way to change me back! I can't let my cats see me like this! Or anyone from the Paradise PD!" Dusty sobs. Fitz has a plan. "For now we will pass you off as a horse. Later I will try to change you back with Wicca." "It's a deal." said Dusty who was now a horse follows Fitz out of the barn. Randall comes to the Rent-A-Horse Farm and sees Fitz and Dusty. Unaware that Dusty was now a horse. "Great job Fitz! I found my horse!" Randall tells Fitz.
Randall calls to Kevin, Stanley, and Gina. "Too late for y'all. Fitz already picked one out for me!" Gina, Stanley, and Kevin walk up to Randall.
Admiring the horse that was really Dusty, "What a majestic creature! Majestic enough for horse racing!" Randall speaks. "Oh no!" thinks Dusty. Randall announces to his police crew, "Listen up. We are all going to train this horse for the Paradise Horse Race." Dusty gulps and Fitz looks away, "Good Lord help Dusty now." "What did you say! You talking shit about my man?" asked Gina. "Oh nothing." Fitz said.
Kevin asks his father, "Are you going to show me how to train the horse for the race?" "It's easy! All you need to do is this!" Randall gets out a gun and shoots it into the air which causes Dusty the Horse to scream and run away.
"He's so fast! He's perfect! I'll call it Race Tracks!" said Randall. Kevin says, "So that's how you train it. Why didn't you show me before?" Randall answered, "Cuz I knew if I gave the gun to you, you'd shoot the horse's balls off.But shooting a gun in the air to make it run was just the beginning. " "Ball shooting. How long are you going to hold that over my head." asked Kevin.
Fitz offers to bring back Dusty. "I'll bring back Dust.....I mean Race Tracks for training!" "We all begin training. Everyday report to the Paradise Horse Tracks. All of you! NOW!" Seeing that Dusty is nowhere around, "What the hell is that fat son of a bitch?" Randall wondered.
Inside another barn, Bullet was butchering some dead horses he found. "I'm a damned good butcher! Gonna sell this meat at the tracks!"
*
At the Paradise Horse Tracks, Randall was on his cellphone. "What do you mean my jockey quit!? Fuck you!" Hanging up his cellphone Randall saw Bullet walk by. "Hey, Bullet? My jockey quit on me and you're the only one short enough to be one. Would you like to be my jockey?" Bullet not liking the idea, "I wanted to sell horse meat the the concession stands." "I'll put Dusty in charge of that! Where the fuck is he!" and Randall. Bullet said, "Haven't seen him." "Too late! I call it! You're being my jockey!" Randall tells Bullet. "Aww. shit!" Bullet saying not being too thrilled with being a jockey. "You can have all the cocaine and heroin you want after." promises Randall. "I'm in!" said Bullet.
In the back room of the Paradise Horse Tracks. Randall explains his plan. "All of you will have a part in this. Fitz and Gina you will train Race Tracks." "Affirmative." said Fitz. "Kevin and Stanley you guys will sell ice cream at the entrance." "But I want to be part of the action, Dad!" protests Kevin. "NO YOU CAN'T! You can NEVER be trusted. You're selling ice cream with Stanley and that's final!" "Okay". said Kevin. Stanley says, "All we need to sell is a paper sign." As for Dusty......anyone seen him?" Randall still had no knowledge that Dusty ate some horse pills and was now Race Tracks the horse he chose for his race. "Dad you still haven't told me your way of training a race horse." Kevin tells his father. "Didn't you notice anything? The Randall Crawford way is to shot a gun to make it run. Then get someone else to train it!" laughs Randall. "Why waste my valueable time training a horse!"
Getting ready for the horse race in a week, Fitz and Gina were in charge of training. They took Dusty/Race Tracks to an open farmfield right next door to the Horse Tracks. Fitz was leading Dusty who was complaining. "Aww, I hate being a horse. Can't you change me back now?" "I'll change you back when we're done with the horse race. Besides, you're already in too deep here, Dusty." promised Fitz. "Really? I am? How come?" asked Dusty. "Randall already thinks you're a horse." Fitz answered. "But what if I lose and I let all of you down?" asked Dusty in concern. Gina hears their conversation and comes from behind, "Oh, fucking hell! That horse can TALK! And why does it talk like Dusty?" "See that's the 411 here, Gina. Race Tracks and Dusty are one in the same." said Fitz. "No shit! How the fuck did that happen?" asked Gina.
"I walked into the barn and caught Dusty eating horse pills and what he thought was candy." said Fitz. "So he's now a horse? How are we going to train him now? He's not exactly athletic." demands Gina. Fitz explains, "I spied on Robbie and Dilbert and they train Fast Nebraska with football and ballet. I prefer to train him with ballet." said Fitz. "OKay, I'll train him with football!" said Gina. "I prefer it to be a peaceful way. My therapist says I need things to be calm." says Fitz. "I say we train him in football!" says Gina. "Excuse me, don't I get a say?" asked Dusty. "No! First off Dusty, we are going to feed you." said Fitz who gathers some hay. "Oh yuck! I don't wanna eat that shitty hay! I want Possum Pizza!" whined Dusty. "You either eat the hay or you can suck my cunt! Choice is yours!" Gina sneered at Dusty. "All right. Hay it is." Dusty finally gives in. Dusty reluctantly eats the hay. "We need to keep you healthy for the horse race. Try to understand." said Fitz.
"You can have your Possum Pizza after! For now we're going to ride you and wear you down! Training begins!" said Gina. At a bar Randall was Bullet who was eating something that looked like beef jerky. "The fuck is that you're eating there, Bullet." "It's horse jerky. Made it myself! Wanna bite!" Bullet taunts. "You're eating horses now?" screamed Randall. "It's my newest vice!" said Bullet. "It's gonna have to wait because you're going to ride the mechanical bull for the next week!" said Randall. "Thought you were training me to be a jockey not a rodeo rider." said Bullet. "It's pretty much the same thing, now get your ass on that bull!" said Randall. Bullet climbs on the mechanical bull, "Gonna be like John Travolta in Urban Cowboy!" said Bullet. Randall puts some quarters in the mechanical bull and Bullet rides it. Everyone in the bar cheers for Bullet. On the mechanical bull, much to Randall's surprise, Bullet was actually quite good. Bullet then threw up some projectile horse organs which made everyone run away.
"At least we got this place to ourselves to train." said Bullet. "Vomit again, and no more inventory!" warned Randall.
Kevin and Stanley were making signs that sell ice cream. "Don't see how this is going to help. When we can make flyers, or advertise on the internet. Ever heard of Youtube." said Kevin. "I prefer radio to television." said Stanley. As they proceed to make the signs Kevin says to himself, "If there was only something I can do more than just sell ice cream." Stanley suggests, "Why not prostitiute yourself? Worked for me back in the Depression when I was promoting a role for Errol Flynn!" said Stanley. "Nice one, Stanley! Keep your gay sex stories to yourself in the meantime." said Kevin rolling his eyes.
At the farmfield the next day, Fitz and Gina explain their plan to Dusty. "How am I going to train?" asked Dusty. "Did you eat those horse oats?" asked Gina. "No I didn't. I can't stand the taste of horse food. I hate hay and oats!" said Dusty. "You did this to yourself and now you're going to have to deal with being a horse for the next week!" said Fitz. Gina then gets a feeding bag and puts it around Dusty's now horse mouth. "Just be lucky it ain't a ball gag!" pointed Gina to Dusty. Fitz gets an IPAD and says, "While you're eating the oats, I'm going to train you in horse ballet because that's Robbie and Dilbert's strategy. So watch these movies like Center Stage and White Nights that are about ballet." said Fitz.
"You mean I gotta stand on my tippy toes?" asked Dusty. When Fitz and Dusty were going to watch the ballet movies. Gina goes to a junkyard and gets some old tires. "No! We're going to train you in football! You can learn a few pointers from this movie, Any Given Sunday!" said Gina. "But I don't want him to be trained in something so brutal." said Fitz. "Football training is the way to go here!" demands Gina.
Dusty tries to butt in, "No need to argue why not train me the way I do my kitties! Just make a chase a ball of yarn!" Gina screams at Dusty. "Bottle it up! You don't get a say in this!" Fitz then recalls, "Got it! Since Robbie and Dilbert train Fast Nebraska in both ballet and football, why don't we go that way too with Dusty!" said Fitz. Gina agrees, "It's a deal. No reason to be one sided here!" "Can I have some fried chicken? Getting a taste for it." asked Dusty." "NO! Keep eating that hay and oats." Fitz laughs, "Hay and Oates! That sounds like a country music band! Like white people like." laughs Fitz. "Knock that shit off and let's just train him!" said Gina.
*
Tomorrow had come along. Kevin and Stanley were outside of the Horse Tracks getting in practice to sell ice cream for the big race in two days. Kevin had an ice cream cart.
"Get your ice cream! Get your ice cream! Get your 102 flavors of ice cream!" Kevin announced. Stanley steps in. "Where is that paper sign you were supposed to make? Forgot to say that paper signs need wooden sticks." he asks Kevin. "Screw you old man! I am not going to utilize by doing your old fashioned investment strategies!" Kevin uses a bell and pulls the cart, "Get your ice cream! Get your ice cream! 102 flavors! $5 a cone!" Stanley shouts, "$5 a cone! Back in my day it was only 5 cents!" Kevin marches up to Stanley.
"Look! I'm doing this the modern way! I just so happened to put an add up on the Horse Track's website!" said Kevin. "Yes, but nobody's showing up, if you want to attract customers, use your penis if you have to! And a paper sign with a stick!" suggests Stanley. Kevin finally gets pissed at Stanley so he gives him a paper sign and attached a stick to it. Unbeknownst to Stanley the sign Kevin gave him read, "Hands Up Don't Shoot!" "Black Lives Matter!" "I Can't Breathe!" "Freddie's Dead!" Kevin went back to selling ice cream. "HERE! If you want to attract customers with a paper sign and stick! YOU DO IT!" Kevin shouts at Stanley. In no time, a bunch of black people came to see the sign that Stanley was holding and carried him away as if he was an activist fighting for rights for blacks!" "Woo hoo! He da man!" "He's fighting for our rights!" "This man is an angel from heaven!" "He's gonna send my baby to college!"
Stanley screams, "HELP! HELP!! I'm drowning in black people!" Kevin ignores Stanley's cries and continues to sell ice cream. "Ha! That'll show him! Retire already you ass! ha ha! Get your ice cream! Get your ice cream! This is so stupid! I should be patrolling this place!" Out of the farmfield and now on the Horse race tracks. Fitz was training Dusty to run around the tracks using some horse ballet techniques. Dusty was actually improving. "Oh my gosh! I'm gettin' it! I'm gettin' it!" Dusty cheered. Fitz says as he plays a CD player, "Now move to the beat of this Adele song!" The song 'Rolling In The Deep' plays and Dusty moved himself to the music. Fitz was crying and applauding for Dusty. "This is so wonderful! I am so proud!"
"I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" Dusty says running around the tracks. Gina arrives. "Okay enough of your way of training! Now time to do things my way!" Gina takes out the CD from the player. "Damn Gina! I just gave Dusty some confidence!" "When I'm through with him he'll be killing it on the tracks!" said Gina who then calls Dusty to come to her. "DUSTY! Get your ass over here now!" Dusty clomps his way over to Gina. "What is it, Gina?" She leads Dusty to some tires she got from a junk yard and puts in a CD by Drowning Pool and plays, 'Let The Bodies Hit The Floor'. "All right, Dusty! Go run across those tires 100 times!" Gina commanded Dusty.
"But Gina, I can't do that!" Dusty pleads with her. Gina sneers in his face, "You better do it or you give me some head!" "I'm a horse, how can I!?" Dusty cries. "Do you want me to suck your horse's cock! That's exactly what I'm going to do if....." Dusty gives in, "All right! I'll do it! I'll do it!" Gina turns on the CD player full blast and Dusty ran through the tires one way and then back again. "Is this good enough!?" said Dusty. "Keep up the beat to THIS music! Woo-ha!" Gina said. "I know you want to toughen him up!" begins Fitz. "Hey, you said you wanted to Robbie and Dilbert by coping their style!" Gina spat back. "So we're doing both football and ballet training."
"Yeah, at least my way made him believe in himself!" said Fitz. "Who taught you how to train an athlete? Your therapist who owns a music store! At least my way is going to make him a man!" Gina said. Fitz then had a resolution. "Wait a minute! If by beating Robbie and Dilbert by training a horse to do ballet and football training to use it against them. That's not going to work. Damn what was I thinking!" "What are you getting at here, Fitz!" asks Gina.
"When I spied on Robbie and Dilbert they were too hard on that horse by using both ballet and football training. So I thought I would do it in a more encouraging way to help Dusty win some confidence. By only using ballet." said Fitz. "Go on!" Gina says rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. "Maybe what we should do instead of stealing people's ideas, we just simply train Dusty to run around the tracks." said Fitz. "You win! But we play MY music! Not this shitty sissy ass stuff!" said Gina. "Why not do both our music, we haven't tried that!" suggests Fitz.
"Dusty!" calls Fitz who then trots his way over to Gina and Fitz. "I'm getting the hang on this trotting now." said Dusty. "We decided we're just going to have your train just by running around the tracks!" said Fitz. "That's cool with me. Can I have some pizza and fried chicken now?" begs Dusty who's been on a diet consisting on only bales of hay and oats. "No we need to keep you on the oats and the hay until I can change you back after you win." said Fitz. Gina shouts at Dusty to spook him, "Now go run around that track 200 times! Just like in the movie Unbroken!" Fitz says, "I like the movie Chariots of Fire better."
Gina and Fitz put the Adele CD back in the player and the player plays both songs at the same time. Dusty was actually having run running around the track. "Wee! Let's go again!" No doubt Gina was enjoying this power she had over Dusty.
At the bar, Bullet was finally getting better at the mechanical bull. Randall was shouting, "Show me your tits if you want to see my dog ride the bull!" Both the men and the women take off their clothes, some even urinated which got Randall very upset. "I meant only the women! Not the men too!" Bullet gets off the bull. "Now everyone give me some beer or drugs if you have them!" everyone in the bat cheers and gives Bullet some beer. "Now don't overdo it, Bullet! We need you to be in shape if you want to ride Race Tracks my horse!" said Randall. "Doesn't mean I can't have fun with it." said Bullet. "Look at this." Bullet continues as he pours bottles of beer on himself and screams in a drunken rage, "I'm Tom Cruise in Cocktail!" Everyone laughs. Randall forces Bullet back on the mechanical bull.
"You had your fun! Get back on the bull!" Randall demands. "Okay." Bullet cried in an aggrieved way. "Can't help it if I get loose in the bar!" "Getting loose is for cheap loose easy whores, Bullet!" said Randall as he put more coins in the bull. "Now get your game on!"
*
The big day had come for the yearly Paradise Horse Race. Randall was at the scene of the tracks. Marv Albert was the announcer of the race. "Good afternoon everyone. I'm Marv Albert. You may remember me as a basketball announcer. Since I've been banned from that for obvious reasons concerning sexual biting, I now do horse races in small towns." "Dammit! Where is Gina and Fitz! They should be here by now!" said Randall looking around. Bullet comes out in a jockey uniform. "Had to do a lot of puking to fit into this, let me tell you!" said Bullet to Randall. "Put on the human mask, we need to make everyone believe you're really a jockey. Where the fuck has Dusty been all this time?" wondered Randall who still had no clue that Dusty and Race Tracks were one in the same.
Robbie and Dilbert arrive on the tracks with their horse Fast Nebraska. Robbie sees Randall and brags to him, "Hey, officer shit head! You ready to lose another horse race to your bitter rivals? ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Shut the fuck up! My new horse Race Tracks is going to kick your sorry argyle meth selling asses!" Randall shouts back. "Calm the fuck down, Randall! Or I'll _SEE_ to it a _BISCUIT_ gets stuck between your ball-less crotch!" laughs Robbie. Dilbert says, "Robbie! You asshole! I told you that joke on the way over here and you stole it!" Robbie looks around, "Where is this horse you speak about? Is it invisible!" laughs Robbie. Dilbert joins in on the laughs, "That's the only way he'll win all right. Invisible horse!"
Kevin was outside selling ice cream and still wished he had a more meaningful role in his father's horse race escapade. Stan "Where is FITZ! What's taking so long! The race is about to start and......." Before Randall knew it, Fitz and Gina arrived with Race Tracks who was really Dusty. "Right here!" said Fitz. "What took you so long? Where were you, a buddhist temple!" shouts Randall. "We spent the last two days training the hell out of this horse!" said Gina. Dusty tries to talk, "Hey, Randall, it's....." Gina jabs Dusty/Race Traces in the ribs and Dusty had to bray like a horse. Bullet comes out and is now in the human mask. "How's this?" asked Bullet. "Perfect! People, this is my new jockey. Butch Letts!" "Hello, Butch Lets! Pleased to meet you!" said Fitz.
Bullet gets on Race Tracks and the jockeys take their horses then their positions. "Hope I get to ride that horse next." mumbled Gina. "What was that?" asked Randall. "NOTHING! Just win this thing!" said Gina.
The race was about to begin. Kevin outside still resentful that he had to sell ice cream sees smoke come out of a building. Kevin then gets a fire exstingister and runs to the building which was now on fire. "The chance I've been waiting for! Dad's going to be so proud!" Kevin puts a sign on the ice cream cart that reads, "FREE ICE CREAM". Kevin goes to put out the fire. The horses and their jockeys took their positions. A short Mexican man was on the tracks to begin the race by firing a pistol. However, he does it on a very slow manner. "Take your places, people........on.....your......mark.........get........set......." Randall pushes the short Mexican man out of the way and shoots the pistol himself, "GIVE ME THAT! GOOOOO!" The horses and Dusty/Race Tracks begin to run around the track. Bullet thinks to himself, "Hope I get all the horse jerky I can after this!" Randall says, "Couldn't keep these people waiting! Who the fuck hired that damned Mexican! He was so slow! No wonder Donald Trump wants to put a boarder wall!" Let's just enjoy the race." suggested Fitz. "Yeah, enjoy us defeating you for the infinity-ith time!" laughs Robbie. "I was going to say that, you son of a bitch Robbie! You always steal everything I'm about to say!" said Dilbert.
After Kevin puts out the fire, he comes out a champion. Everyone in the building thanked him for saving them. "Can we do you any favors?" asked one person. "Anything!" said a woman who was in the building who exposes herself to him. "One of you can call the news station and inform them of my bravery and heroics!" said Kevin. "You got it!" said another person going on his iphone to call the news station. "Tell them, Kevin Crawford of Paradise PD saved people from a burning building!" Kevin tells them. "We can do that!"
*
Back at the race, Dusty was struggling against Fast Nebraska and all the other racing horses. Marv Albert announces, "Oh looks like that horse Fast Nebraska is on a winning streak! Oh, but what's this, looks like Race Tracks is trying to catch up to the competition!" "DAMN IT! RACE TRACKS MOVE FASTER! LET'S WIN THIS THING!" said Randall. "Listen to him Race Tracks! Did you forget everything we taught you?" screamed Gina. Dusty/Race Tracks being yelled at gave him more incentive to win. Dusty/Race Traces began to run faster than before. Even Bullet didn't know what to think. "This horse was slow on the start, now look at it! If only I had some cocaine!" Bullet thinks to himself. "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!" Dusty bemoans to himself.
Fast Nebraska and Dusty/Race Tracks were now evenly matched. About to finish go into the final running lap. Randall sneers at Dilbert, "Looks like we're neck and neck!" Dilbert whines, "Randall's picking on me!" Robbie says to Randall, "Won't be for long!" Fast Nebraska was behind Dusty/Race Tracks in no time. "HA HA HA HA HA! Eat the shit out of my ass, fuckers!" screams Bullet at the jockey riding Fast Nebraska. Marv Albert says, "Woah! What a race! What used to be the hopeless is now the hopeful! Who will make it to the finish line! One more lap to go!"
The audience was cheering. Just as both horses were about to cross the finish line, Bullet feels a jolt underneath him. "What the fuck is going on!" he says. Then within a wink of an eye, Dusty came back to his normal human self and he was bone tired as he fought to try to make it to the finish line. "You're not a horse! You're Dusty! I'm outta here!" Bullet said leaving the tracks. Unlucky for him, Fast Nebraska wins again. Marv Albert says, "What a twisted turn! Race Tracks for some reason turned into a morbidly obese cop!" Randall roars with anger, "DAMMIT!! DUSTY! You cost me a horse race! It was you the whole time!" Marv Albert concludes his announcement in the horse race, "And Fast Nebraska wins again! 5 Consecutive Years in a row!" Robbie and Dilbert cheered! "In your face! In your face!" Dilbert and Robbie shot in Randall's face. "Oh shit!" Fitz says, "At least I didn't have to do Wicca to change him back."
Dusty was laying on the tracks, Gina comes to check on him. "What happened? Did we win? Did I win the horse race!" asks Dusty in confusion. Gina then takes the opportunity to jump his bones. "Whether or not you lose that don't matter!" said Gina. "Thanks Gina! At least you're on my side! I'm going to catch hell from Randall for this!" said Dusty. Gina then jumps on Dusty's back, "Gina stop! I'm tired!" Gina cheers as she rides on Dusty's back, "Ho there! Ho there! Ho there! Ho there! What really matters is that I get to ride the rodeo with you! That's how crazy I am! Yeee! Haaaa!" Gina boasts as she keeps riding Dusty. Marv Albert sees it and says, "Oh, looks like that lady is in a race of her own! I gotta get on in that! Hope you all had fun at the Paradise Race Horses! See you next year!"
"SHIT! FUCK! DAMMIT! Running out of swear words here! How in the fuck did Race Tracks turn out to be Dusty! I was wondering where he fat ass was this whole time!" Randall yelled into the sky. Fitz explains, "I know what happened. You see a week ago when we were trying to get you a new horse....." "Yes, and" Randall said crossing his arms. "I caught Dusty in the barn with some horse pills that he mistook for candy." explains Fitz. "And let me take a gander here, the horse pills turned Dusty into a horse and you tried to pass him off as Race Tracks?" asks Randall. "Exactly." said Fitz. "I don't know who's the blame here! But someone's going to to down! That promotion I promised you all is out of the question!" said Randall.
Fitz tries to reason with Randall, "You may have lose to Robby and Dilbert again, but the important thing is we had fun and either or not you win or lose, doesn't matter in the end." Randall still bummed from losing to Robby and Dilbert. "Think you're right. Guess I did let all this shit go to my head." said Randall. Robby and Dilbert carry a trophy and walk by them, "We sure had fun! We had fun winning!" they both cheered. Randall then realizes that winning the horse race wasn't so important after all. "See? Look how they let their victory go to their head." said Fitz. Gina then drags a very tired Dusty by his feet. "What? I loved seeing him race!"
*
Back at the Paradise PD Police Headquarters, Randall tells the story about his defeat, "And that's when I found out Dusty and Race Tracks were one in the same. Then Fitz made me see the light that winning isn't so significant. Good job for giving it all you got Dusty!" "Thanks boss. I can finally go back to eating my Possum Pizza and Fried Chicken!" said Dusty who was happily eating his favorite junk foods. Gina said, "I beat the shit out of that Marv Albert for trying to ruin my fun with Dusty yesterday! Now he's in a holding cell and my scrapbook of arrests!" "Anyone seen Kevin or Stanley?" asked Fitz. Bullet walks in with a wheelchair that had Stanley on it who was all knocked out. "Here's Stanley in case you all were wondering." Stanley still had signs on him that said, "I Can't Breathe!" "Hands Up Don't Shoot" "Black Lives Matter." "Stanley! What in the world happened!" screams Randall. Stanley presses a button on his wheelchair and it says in a robot voice, "You don't want to know."
Kevin comes in. "Here I am! Yesterday at the horse races I took it upon myself to save people in a burning building!" Kevin walks to a TV Set, "And here's the news report to prove it!" The Local News from Paradise was being shown on the television and an Asian Reporter named Shin Omitomotio said in a thick Japanese accent, "In news today. At local howse waces. A fiwre emwlrged acwoss stweet. The heroic po-weece officer named Sevin Sawford had saved evewyone on builwing. News at E-wev-ven!"
Kevin throws the TV aside and screams, "SHIT! Now nobody will ever know about me or what I did!" Fitz, Gina, Dusty, Randall, Stanley, and Bullet all laughed at him. Randall cracks up, "There's just something about Japanese accents that crack me up!" Dusty said, "I'm the one who lost the horse race, and Kevin turns out to be the failure!" "Less talk more eat!" said Gina stuffing Dusty's mouth. "Tough break kid! Here have some horse jerky! It'll make you feel better!" said Bullet. Kevin takes the beef jerky from Bullet. "Fine." said Kevin as he bit into the horse jerky that Bullet gave him.
Bullet walks by Kevin, "Better luck next time, Sevin Sawford!" Fitz walks up to Kevin, "Like I said to your father, winning isn't everything........" Kevin says in a depressed tone, "Oh, shut up Fitz. Go back to Chicago!"
The End
The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production
Paradise PD Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Enter Horse-Man
Located in the middle of the town of Paradise there was a horse track. Where people come to bet on the fastest horse. A horse race was going on as people cheered on. The whole scene turned off like a television set and it changes to the Paradise PD Police Station. Stanley Hopson was asleep. There was but one horse who had a reputation for being the fastest and most unbeatable horse in all of Paradise. The horses' name was Fast Nebraska. Randall rants on, "Every year! Every fucking year!" "What are you talking about?" asks Fitz. "Fast Nebraska! That's who!" said Randall. "What's your beef with that horse anyway?" Dusty wondered. "It's horse racing season here in Paradise. My dad gets competitive about it." Explains Kevin. "Too bad Dusty ain't a horse! I'd ride him all day!" Gina exclaims. "That's sexual harrassment! We talked about this." Dusty said. "Everyone shut up! I always enter my horse this time of year. As you all know my horse is named," Randall turns to Kevin. "Say it's name, Kevin!" "Army Jet." "Correct!" said Randall. Fitz complains, "I'm not into horse racing. That's rich white people shit." "This involves you too, Fitz! In fact, all of you are going to help me train Army Jet to finally put Fast Nebraska in it's place!" Randall shouts. Bullet comes out of the evidence room. "You don't need training! You all need is argyle meth! Just inject some into your horse and sssssshhoooootttttttt! Your horse will be the swiftest!"
"No! No drugs or inventory on the horses, Bullet!" yelled Randall. "Guess you're determined to beat your rivals this year. What are their names again? The owners of a video place......hmmmmmm......I know! Robert and Dilbert!" laughs Bullet. Randall gets in Bullet's face, "Don't say those names to me during horse race season!" Stanley wakes up, "Horse Races, eh? Used to drink drippin' jizz from jockeys back in the Roaring Twenties!" Gina says, "Nobody gives two shits about that, Stanley!" "Gina is right. Now Kevin, come home with me to get Army Jet." "Okay Dad! Can everyone else come too?" asks Kevin. "Everyone report to my house tomorrow at 1300 hours!" demands Randall. "Military time, damn! We went by that in Chicago." Fitz said. Every single year, Randall has had a long rivalry with Robert and Dilbert over the annual Horse Races. Randall this time around, made a vow not to lose to them. Robert and Dilbert were the owners of Fast Nebraska. The next morning all the Paradise PD officers were at Randall's house where he leads them to a horse stable. His ex-wife, Karen comes outside.
"Uh, Randall. I got some news and it isn't good." Karen informs Randall. "It's not about Army Jet is it?" asks Kevin in concern. "Afraid it is. You see, Army Jet died of natural causes." "What! No! I've kept Army Jet in tip top condition!" said Randall. Dusty sobs, "Wah hahhhhh waahhhhh hahhhh! Although I never knew him, Army Jet was a good racing horse!" Fitz declares, "Probably ran him to death. This is why horse racing should be banned!" Karen leads Randall and Kevin to the horse stable. "You might want to pay your last respects." Much to their denial, they all see Army Jet laying on the stable floor. Without a doubt, Army Jet was dead. "I'll help you give him a proper burial Dad!" Kevin speaks tearfully. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NNNNOOO! SHIT!!!!!!! The horse races are in four days! And now I don't have a horse with which to race! THIS IS SPARTA!" Randall screams in the sky. "He always uses that 300 movie yell whenever someone he knows dies." said Karen. "Sorry, Randall."
As they were going to leave the stables, Gina hears some munching noises, "The hell?" Everyone turns around and sees Bullet eating Army Jet. "Damn! That's one dirty dog!" Fitz said. "What? Look at this, I'm eating straight from the horse's mouth!" cracks up Bullet. Dusty wants in, "Can I try that horse meat! Heard it's mighty good!" Gina pulls him away. Randall gets pissed, "If you get sick you can throw up in it's grave! Each and every one of you is going to help me find a horse!" Kevin says, "That's correct! Whoever gets the horse first gets a promotion!" "NO! Nothing like that! You all have until tomorrow! Any questions?" Randall orders his officers. Fitz comes forward, "Yes, why not learn some of Robert's and Dilbert's secrets?" "What are you getting at, Fitz?" said Randall. "Maybe we can spy on them, see what it is they do. How they keep beating you." "Just get a horse by tomorrow! I only train my racehorse my own way! The Randall Crawford way!"
"And what way is that? You never really told me." said Kevin.
*
By the next early afternoon, The Paradise PD officers were at a horse farm. The farm was aptly named "Rent-A-Horse". "Someone is sure to give us a horse here for the race." said Kevin. Bullet now having an addiction for horse meat sees a dead horse rotting in the sun. "JACKPOT! See you later, asses!" A farmer came up to Kevin, Gina, Stanley, and Dusty. "Hey, hogs. Welcome to Rent-A-Horse how can I be of your service." They notice Fitz was gone, Gina calls him on his radio. "Fitz! Come on! Where the fuck are you?" Fitz was at the parking lot of Paradise VHS as he saw Robbie and Dilbert training their horse, Fast Nebraska. "Oh, hey Gina. Don't tell nobody this but I'm studying how Robbie and Dilbert are training their horse".
"Get your ass over to the Rent-A-Horse Farm!" demands Gina. "I'll be there, shortly." Fitz said. Robbie and Dilbert were training Fast Nebraska in ballet and football training equipment. "Ha! So that's is their M.O." Robbie says, "Ready to win another horse race Dilbert and beat Randall Crawford again?" Dilbert says, "Yeah, we beat him every year! And the year before and the year before that!" "Nothing like good old fashion football style training!" said Robbie. "Can I take credit for the football training too?" asked Dilbert. "No, you can take credit for the ballet!" laughed Robbie. "You sumbitch! I'm in on this as much as you are!" Dilbert telling off his friend.
Fitz goes to the Rent-A-Horse Farm. Stanley looks at a stallion. "I say we pick this young'un! Bought a horse for Clark Gable once for his movie Gone With The Wind. Of course I had to give him a rim job for it." Kevin sees a spotted horse, "This will be better. We can call him 103 Dalmations!" Gina growled, "Stupid shit name for a horse! Unless you're into Disney! Pick a better one!" Dusty gets bored and he walks into a barn. Much to his delight he sees a bowl full of horse pills that he thinks is candy. "Hmmm! HMMMM! I found some fine good candy!" Dusty helps himself to the pills and notices there's no taste. Fitz comes into the barn. "Came here as soon as I could. Got some dibs on Robbie and Dilbert." Fitz saw Dusty eat the pills. "Sheez, this candy has no flavor."
The farmer from the Rent-A-Horse shows Gina, Stanley, and Kevin, "How's about this one?" "Nah, Dad won't like that." said Kevin. Bullet drags a dead horse and Stanley, Gina, and Kevin suspiciously. "What? I love the way horse taste! I should try it with cocaine!" Back in the barn, Fitz confronts Dusty. "Do you realize what you did?" "Eatin' candy?" asked Dusty innocently. Fitz said in shock, "No you dumb fatass fucker!" "Is it candy! What else could it be?" asked Dusty who was still clueless. Fitz tells him, "Don't you know that was horse pills you ate! Why else didn't it have 'flavor'"! Dusty came to the realization. "You're right. Thought it tasted like Grandma's aspirin and........." Dusty jumped and slapped his hands on the sides of his head and screams.
"HORSE PILLS!" Even the words "HORSE PILLS" shown on top of Dusty's head. Fitz saw that Dusty was hyperventilating. "Oh gosh! Oh sweet momma! What did I do! What have I done!" Fitz tries to calm Dusty down, "Calm down Dusty. It's all right. I know all about panic. We'll get you to a hospital, and just get your stomach pumped." Dusty was crying then he noticed he was turning into a horse at an alarming rate. Dusty's head morphed into a horse's head, then his hands and feet became hooves. A tail grew out of him.
Fitz takes some of the pills that weren't ingested. "Have to research this later."
"HHHEEEELLLLLPPP! Won't be able to get into my tux now!" Not knowing what to think, Fitz exclaims, "Oh Damn!" Dusty was now 100% horse. "Am.....am I a horse now?" cries Dusty. "Afraid you are, my friend." said Fitz. Dusty looks at himself in a mirror and sees that he had indeed turned into a horse.
"If only there was some way to change me back! I can't let my cats see me like this! Or anyone from the Paradise PD!" Dusty sobs. Fitz has a plan. "For now we will pass you off as a horse. Later I will try to change you back with Wicca." "It's a deal." said Dusty who was now a horse follows Fitz out of the barn. Randall comes to the Rent-A-Horse Farm and sees Fitz and Dusty. Unaware that Dusty was now a horse. "Great job Fitz! I found my horse!" Randall tells Fitz.
Randall calls to Kevin, Stanley, and Gina. "Too late for y'all. Fitz already picked one out for me!" Gina, Stanley, and Kevin walk up to Randall.
Admiring the horse that was really Dusty, "What a majestic creature! Majestic enough for horse racing!" Randall speaks. "Oh no!" thinks Dusty. Randall announces to his police crew, "Listen up. We are all going to train this horse for the Paradise Horse Race." Dusty gulps and Fitz looks away, "Good Lord help Dusty now." "What did you say! You talking shit about my man?" asked Gina. "Oh nothing." Fitz said.
Kevin asks his father, "Are you going to show me how to train the horse for the race?" "It's easy! All you need to do is this!" Randall gets out a gun and shoots it into the air which causes Dusty the Horse to scream and run away.
"He's so fast! He's perfect! I'll call it Race Tracks!" said Randall. Kevin says, "So that's how you train it. Why didn't you show me before?" Randall answered, "Cuz I knew if I gave the gun to you, you'd shoot the horse's balls off.But shooting a gun in the air to make it run was just the beginning. " "Ball shooting. How long are you going to hold that over my head." asked Kevin.
Fitz offers to bring back Dusty. "I'll bring back Dust.....I mean Race Tracks for training!" "We all begin training. Everyday report to the Paradise Horse Tracks. All of you! NOW!" Seeing that Dusty is nowhere around, "What the hell is that fat son of a bitch?" Randall wondered.
Inside another barn, Bullet was butchering some dead horses he found. "I'm a damned good butcher! Gonna sell this meat at the tracks!"
*
At the Paradise Horse Tracks, Randall was on his cellphone. "What do you mean my jockey quit!? Fuck you!" Hanging up his cellphone Randall saw Bullet walk by. "Hey, Bullet? My jockey quit on me and you're the only one short enough to be one. Would you like to be my jockey?" Bullet not liking the idea, "I wanted to sell horse meat the the concession stands." "I'll put Dusty in charge of that! Where the fuck is he!" and Randall. Bullet said, "Haven't seen him." "Too late! I call it! You're being my jockey!" Randall tells Bullet. "Aww. shit!" Bullet saying not being too thrilled with being a jockey. "You can have all the cocaine and heroin you want after." promises Randall. "I'm in!" said Bullet.
In the back room of the Paradise Horse Tracks. Randall explains his plan. "All of you will have a part in this. Fitz and Gina you will train Race Tracks." "Affirmative." said Fitz. "Kevin and Stanley you guys will sell ice cream at the entrance." "But I want to be part of the action, Dad!" protests Kevin. "NO YOU CAN'T! You can NEVER be trusted. You're selling ice cream with Stanley and that's final!" "Okay". said Kevin. Stanley says, "All we need to sell is a paper sign." As for Dusty......anyone seen him?" Randall still had no knowledge that Dusty ate some horse pills and was now Race Tracks the horse he chose for his race. "Dad you still haven't told me your way of training a race horse." Kevin tells his father. "Didn't you notice anything? The Randall Crawford way is to shot a gun to make it run. Then get someone else to train it!" laughs Randall. "Why waste my valueable time training a horse!"
Getting ready for the horse race in a week, Fitz and Gina were in charge of training. They took Dusty/Race Tracks to an open farmfield right next door to the Horse Tracks. Fitz was leading Dusty who was complaining. "Aww, I hate being a horse. Can't you change me back now?" "I'll change you back when we're done with the horse race. Besides, you're already in too deep here, Dusty." promised Fitz. "Really? I am? How come?" asked Dusty. "Randall already thinks you're a horse." Fitz answered. "But what if I lose and I let all of you down?" asked Dusty in concern. Gina hears their conversation and comes from behind, "Oh, fucking hell! That horse can TALK! And why does it talk like Dusty?" "See that's the 411 here, Gina. Race Tracks and Dusty are one in the same." said Fitz. "No shit! How the fuck did that happen?" asked Gina.
"I walked into the barn and caught Dusty eating horse pills and what he thought was candy." said Fitz. "So he's now a horse? How are we going to train him now? He's not exactly athletic." demands Gina. Fitz explains, "I spied on Robbie and Dilbert and they train Fast Nebraska with football and ballet. I prefer to train him with ballet." said Fitz. "OKay, I'll train him with football!" said Gina. "I prefer it to be a peaceful way. My therapist says I need things to be calm." says Fitz. "I say we train him in football!" says Gina. "Excuse me, don't I get a say?" asked Dusty. "No! First off Dusty, we are going to feed you." said Fitz who gathers some hay. "Oh yuck! I don't wanna eat that shitty hay! I want Possum Pizza!" whined Dusty. "You either eat the hay or you can suck my cunt! Choice is yours!" Gina sneered at Dusty. "All right. Hay it is." Dusty finally gives in. Dusty reluctantly eats the hay. "We need to keep you healthy for the horse race. Try to understand." said Fitz.
"You can have your Possum Pizza after! For now we're going to ride you and wear you down! Training begins!" said Gina. At a bar Randall was Bullet who was eating something that looked like beef jerky. "The fuck is that you're eating there, Bullet." "It's horse jerky. Made it myself! Wanna bite!" Bullet taunts. "You're eating horses now?" screamed Randall. "It's my newest vice!" said Bullet. "It's gonna have to wait because you're going to ride the mechanical bull for the next week!" said Randall. "Thought you were training me to be a jockey not a rodeo rider." said Bullet. "It's pretty much the same thing, now get your ass on that bull!" said Randall. Bullet climbs on the mechanical bull, "Gonna be like John Travolta in Urban Cowboy!" said Bullet. Randall puts some quarters in the mechanical bull and Bullet rides it. Everyone in the bar cheers for Bullet. On the mechanical bull, much to Randall's surprise, Bullet was actually quite good. Bullet then threw up some projectile horse organs which made everyone run away.
"At least we got this place to ourselves to train." said Bullet. "Vomit again, and no more inventory!" warned Randall.
Kevin and Stanley were making signs that sell ice cream. "Don't see how this is going to help. When we can make flyers, or advertise on the internet. Ever heard of Youtube." said Kevin. "I prefer radio to television." said Stanley. As they proceed to make the signs Kevin says to himself, "If there was only something I can do more than just sell ice cream." Stanley suggests, "Why not prostitiute yourself? Worked for me back in the Depression when I was promoting a role for Errol Flynn!" said Stanley. "Nice one, Stanley! Keep your gay sex stories to yourself in the meantime." said Kevin rolling his eyes.
At the farmfield the next day, Fitz and Gina explain their plan to Dusty. "How am I going to train?" asked Dusty. "Did you eat those horse oats?" asked Gina. "No I didn't. I can't stand the taste of horse food. I hate hay and oats!" said Dusty. "You did this to yourself and now you're going to have to deal with being a horse for the next week!" said Fitz. Gina then gets a feeding bag and puts it around Dusty's now horse mouth. "Just be lucky it ain't a ball gag!" pointed Gina to Dusty. Fitz gets an IPAD and says, "While you're eating the oats, I'm going to train you in horse ballet because that's Robbie and Dilbert's strategy. So watch these movies like Center Stage and White Nights that are about ballet." said Fitz.
"You mean I gotta stand on my tippy toes?" asked Dusty. When Fitz and Dusty were going to watch the ballet movies. Gina goes to a junkyard and gets some old tires. "No! We're going to train you in football! You can learn a few pointers from this movie, Any Given Sunday!" said Gina. "But I don't want him to be trained in something so brutal." said Fitz. "Football training is the way to go here!" demands Gina.
Dusty tries to butt in, "No need to argue why not train me the way I do my kitties! Just make a chase a ball of yarn!" Gina screams at Dusty. "Bottle it up! You don't get a say in this!" Fitz then recalls, "Got it! Since Robbie and Dilbert train Fast Nebraska in both ballet and football, why don't we go that way too with Dusty!" said Fitz. Gina agrees, "It's a deal. No reason to be one sided here!" "Can I have some fried chicken? Getting a taste for it." asked Dusty." "NO! Keep eating that hay and oats." Fitz laughs, "Hay and Oates! That sounds like a country music band! Like white people like." laughs Fitz. "Knock that shit off and let's just train him!" said Gina.
*
Tomorrow had come along. Kevin and Stanley were outside of the Horse Tracks getting in practice to sell ice cream for the big race in two days. Kevin had an ice cream cart.
"Get your ice cream! Get your ice cream! Get your 102 flavors of ice cream!" Kevin announced. Stanley steps in. "Where is that paper sign you were supposed to make? Forgot to say that paper signs need wooden sticks." he asks Kevin. "Screw you old man! I am not going to utilize by doing your old fashioned investment strategies!" Kevin uses a bell and pulls the cart, "Get your ice cream! Get your ice cream! 102 flavors! $5 a cone!" Stanley shouts, "$5 a cone! Back in my day it was only 5 cents!" Kevin marches up to Stanley.
"Look! I'm doing this the modern way! I just so happened to put an add up on the Horse Track's website!" said Kevin. "Yes, but nobody's showing up, if you want to attract customers, use your penis if you have to! And a paper sign with a stick!" suggests Stanley. Kevin finally gets pissed at Stanley so he gives him a paper sign and attached a stick to it. Unbeknownst to Stanley the sign Kevin gave him read, "Hands Up Don't Shoot!" "Black Lives Matter!" "I Can't Breathe!" "Freddie's Dead!" Kevin went back to selling ice cream. "HERE! If you want to attract customers with a paper sign and stick! YOU DO IT!" Kevin shouts at Stanley. In no time, a bunch of black people came to see the sign that Stanley was holding and carried him away as if he was an activist fighting for rights for blacks!" "Woo hoo! He da man!" "He's fighting for our rights!" "This man is an angel from heaven!" "He's gonna send my baby to college!"
Stanley screams, "HELP! HELP!! I'm drowning in black people!" Kevin ignores Stanley's cries and continues to sell ice cream. "Ha! That'll show him! Retire already you ass! ha ha! Get your ice cream! Get your ice cream! This is so stupid! I should be patrolling this place!" Out of the farmfield and now on the Horse race tracks. Fitz was training Dusty to run around the tracks using some horse ballet techniques. Dusty was actually improving. "Oh my gosh! I'm gettin' it! I'm gettin' it!" Dusty cheered. Fitz says as he plays a CD player, "Now move to the beat of this Adele song!" The song 'Rolling In The Deep' plays and Dusty moved himself to the music. Fitz was crying and applauding for Dusty. "This is so wonderful! I am so proud!"
"I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" Dusty says running around the tracks. Gina arrives. "Okay enough of your way of training! Now time to do things my way!" Gina takes out the CD from the player. "Damn Gina! I just gave Dusty some confidence!" "When I'm through with him he'll be killing it on the tracks!" said Gina who then calls Dusty to come to her. "DUSTY! Get your ass over here now!" Dusty clomps his way over to Gina. "What is it, Gina?" She leads Dusty to some tires she got from a junk yard and puts in a CD by Drowning Pool and plays, 'Let The Bodies Hit The Floor'. "All right, Dusty! Go run across those tires 100 times!" Gina commanded Dusty.
"But Gina, I can't do that!" Dusty pleads with her. Gina sneers in his face, "You better do it or you give me some head!" "I'm a horse, how can I!?" Dusty cries. "Do you want me to suck your horse's cock! That's exactly what I'm going to do if....." Dusty gives in, "All right! I'll do it! I'll do it!" Gina turns on the CD player full blast and Dusty ran through the tires one way and then back again. "Is this good enough!?" said Dusty. "Keep up the beat to THIS music! Woo-ha!" Gina said. "I know you want to toughen him up!" begins Fitz. "Hey, you said you wanted to Robbie and Dilbert by coping their style!" Gina spat back. "So we're doing both football and ballet training."
"Yeah, at least my way made him believe in himself!" said Fitz. "Who taught you how to train an athlete? Your therapist who owns a music store! At least my way is going to make him a man!" Gina said. Fitz then had a resolution. "Wait a minute! If by beating Robbie and Dilbert by training a horse to do ballet and football training to use it against them. That's not going to work. Damn what was I thinking!" "What are you getting at here, Fitz!" asks Gina.
"When I spied on Robbie and Dilbert they were too hard on that horse by using both ballet and football training. So I thought I would do it in a more encouraging way to help Dusty win some confidence. By only using ballet." said Fitz. "Go on!" Gina says rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. "Maybe what we should do instead of stealing people's ideas, we just simply train Dusty to run around the tracks." said Fitz. "You win! But we play MY music! Not this shitty sissy ass stuff!" said Gina. "Why not do both our music, we haven't tried that!" suggests Fitz.
"Dusty!" calls Fitz who then trots his way over to Gina and Fitz. "I'm getting the hang on this trotting now." said Dusty. "We decided we're just going to have your train just by running around the tracks!" said Fitz. "That's cool with me. Can I have some pizza and fried chicken now?" begs Dusty who's been on a diet consisting on only bales of hay and oats. "No we need to keep you on the oats and the hay until I can change you back after you win." said Fitz. Gina shouts at Dusty to spook him, "Now go run around that track 200 times! Just like in the movie Unbroken!" Fitz says, "I like the movie Chariots of Fire better."
Gina and Fitz put the Adele CD back in the player and the player plays both songs at the same time. Dusty was actually having run running around the track. "Wee! Let's go again!" No doubt Gina was enjoying this power she had over Dusty.
At the bar, Bullet was finally getting better at the mechanical bull. Randall was shouting, "Show me your tits if you want to see my dog ride the bull!" Both the men and the women take off their clothes, some even urinated which got Randall very upset. "I meant only the women! Not the men too!" Bullet gets off the bull. "Now everyone give me some beer or drugs if you have them!" everyone in the bat cheers and gives Bullet some beer. "Now don't overdo it, Bullet! We need you to be in shape if you want to ride Race Tracks my horse!" said Randall. "Doesn't mean I can't have fun with it." said Bullet. "Look at this." Bullet continues as he pours bottles of beer on himself and screams in a drunken rage, "I'm Tom Cruise in Cocktail!" Everyone laughs. Randall forces Bullet back on the mechanical bull.
"You had your fun! Get back on the bull!" Randall demands. "Okay." Bullet cried in an aggrieved way. "Can't help it if I get loose in the bar!" "Getting loose is for cheap loose easy whores, Bullet!" said Randall as he put more coins in the bull. "Now get your game on!"
*
The big day had come for the yearly Paradise Horse Race. Randall was at the scene of the tracks. Marv Albert was the announcer of the race. "Good afternoon everyone. I'm Marv Albert. You may remember me as a basketball announcer. Since I've been banned from that for obvious reasons concerning sexual biting, I now do horse races in small towns." "Dammit! Where is Gina and Fitz! They should be here by now!" said Randall looking around. Bullet comes out in a jockey uniform. "Had to do a lot of puking to fit into this, let me tell you!" said Bullet to Randall. "Put on the human mask, we need to make everyone believe you're really a jockey. Where the fuck has Dusty been all this time?" wondered Randall who still had no clue that Dusty and Race Tracks were one in the same.
Robbie and Dilbert arrive on the tracks with their horse Fast Nebraska. Robbie sees Randall and brags to him, "Hey, officer shit head! You ready to lose another horse race to your bitter rivals? ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Shut the fuck up! My new horse Race Tracks is going to kick your sorry argyle meth selling asses!" Randall shouts back. "Calm the fuck down, Randall! Or I'll _SEE_ to it a _BISCUIT_ gets stuck between your ball-less crotch!" laughs Robbie. Dilbert says, "Robbie! You asshole! I told you that joke on the way over here and you stole it!" Robbie looks around, "Where is this horse you speak about? Is it invisible!" laughs Robbie. Dilbert joins in on the laughs, "That's the only way he'll win all right. Invisible horse!"
Kevin was outside selling ice cream and still wished he had a more meaningful role in his father's horse race escapade. Stan "Where is FITZ! What's taking so long! The race is about to start and......." Before Randall knew it, Fitz and Gina arrived with Race Tracks who was really Dusty. "Right here!" said Fitz. "What took you so long? Where were you, a buddhist temple!" shouts Randall. "We spent the last two days training the hell out of this horse!" said Gina. Dusty tries to talk, "Hey, Randall, it's....." Gina jabs Dusty/Race Traces in the ribs and Dusty had to bray like a horse. Bullet comes out and is now in the human mask. "How's this?" asked Bullet. "Perfect! People, this is my new jockey. Butch Letts!" "Hello, Butch Lets! Pleased to meet you!" said Fitz.
Bullet gets on Race Tracks and the jockeys take their horses then their positions. "Hope I get to ride that horse next." mumbled Gina. "What was that?" asked Randall. "NOTHING! Just win this thing!" said Gina.
The race was about to begin. Kevin outside still resentful that he had to sell ice cream sees smoke come out of a building. Kevin then gets a fire exstingister and runs to the building which was now on fire. "The chance I've been waiting for! Dad's going to be so proud!" Kevin puts a sign on the ice cream cart that reads, "FREE ICE CREAM". Kevin goes to put out the fire. The horses and their jockeys took their positions. A short Mexican man was on the tracks to begin the race by firing a pistol. However, he does it on a very slow manner. "Take your places, people........on.....your......mark.........get........set......." Randall pushes the short Mexican man out of the way and shoots the pistol himself, "GIVE ME THAT! GOOOOO!" The horses and Dusty/Race Tracks begin to run around the track. Bullet thinks to himself, "Hope I get all the horse jerky I can after this!" Randall says, "Couldn't keep these people waiting! Who the fuck hired that damned Mexican! He was so slow! No wonder Donald Trump wants to put a boarder wall!" Let's just enjoy the race." suggested Fitz. "Yeah, enjoy us defeating you for the infinity-ith time!" laughs Robbie. "I was going to say that, you son of a bitch Robbie! You always steal everything I'm about to say!" said Dilbert.
After Kevin puts out the fire, he comes out a champion. Everyone in the building thanked him for saving them. "Can we do you any favors?" asked one person. "Anything!" said a woman who was in the building who exposes herself to him. "One of you can call the news station and inform them of my bravery and heroics!" said Kevin. "You got it!" said another person going on his iphone to call the news station. "Tell them, Kevin Crawford of Paradise PD saved people from a burning building!" Kevin tells them. "We can do that!"
*
Back at the race, Dusty was struggling against Fast Nebraska and all the other racing horses. Marv Albert announces, "Oh looks like that horse Fast Nebraska is on a winning streak! Oh, but what's this, looks like Race Tracks is trying to catch up to the competition!" "DAMN IT! RACE TRACKS MOVE FASTER! LET'S WIN THIS THING!" said Randall. "Listen to him Race Tracks! Did you forget everything we taught you?" screamed Gina. Dusty/Race Tracks being yelled at gave him more incentive to win. Dusty/Race Traces began to run faster than before. Even Bullet didn't know what to think. "This horse was slow on the start, now look at it! If only I had some cocaine!" Bullet thinks to himself. "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!" Dusty bemoans to himself.
Fast Nebraska and Dusty/Race Tracks were now evenly matched. About to finish go into the final running lap. Randall sneers at Dilbert, "Looks like we're neck and neck!" Dilbert whines, "Randall's picking on me!" Robbie says to Randall, "Won't be for long!" Fast Nebraska was behind Dusty/Race Tracks in no time. "HA HA HA HA HA! Eat the shit out of my ass, fuckers!" screams Bullet at the jockey riding Fast Nebraska. Marv Albert says, "Woah! What a race! What used to be the hopeless is now the hopeful! Who will make it to the finish line! One more lap to go!"
The audience was cheering. Just as both horses were about to cross the finish line, Bullet feels a jolt underneath him. "What the fuck is going on!" he says. Then within a wink of an eye, Dusty came back to his normal human self and he was bone tired as he fought to try to make it to the finish line. "You're not a horse! You're Dusty! I'm outta here!" Bullet said leaving the tracks. Unlucky for him, Fast Nebraska wins again. Marv Albert says, "What a twisted turn! Race Tracks for some reason turned into a morbidly obese cop!" Randall roars with anger, "DAMMIT!! DUSTY! You cost me a horse race! It was you the whole time!" Marv Albert concludes his announcement in the horse race, "And Fast Nebraska wins again! 5 Consecutive Years in a row!" Robbie and Dilbert cheered! "In your face! In your face!" Dilbert and Robbie shot in Randall's face. "Oh shit!" Fitz says, "At least I didn't have to do Wicca to change him back."
Dusty was laying on the tracks, Gina comes to check on him. "What happened? Did we win? Did I win the horse race!" asks Dusty in confusion. Gina then takes the opportunity to jump his bones. "Whether or not you lose that don't matter!" said Gina. "Thanks Gina! At least you're on my side! I'm going to catch hell from Randall for this!" said Dusty. Gina then jumps on Dusty's back, "Gina stop! I'm tired!" Gina cheers as she rides on Dusty's back, "Ho there! Ho there! Ho there! Ho there! What really matters is that I get to ride the rodeo with you! That's how crazy I am! Yeee! Haaaa!" Gina boasts as she keeps riding Dusty. Marv Albert sees it and says, "Oh, looks like that lady is in a race of her own! I gotta get on in that! Hope you all had fun at the Paradise Race Horses! See you next year!"
"SHIT! FUCK! DAMMIT! Running out of swear words here! How in the fuck did Race Tracks turn out to be Dusty! I was wondering where he fat ass was this whole time!" Randall yelled into the sky. Fitz explains, "I know what happened. You see a week ago when we were trying to get you a new horse....." "Yes, and" Randall said crossing his arms. "I caught Dusty in the barn with some horse pills that he mistook for candy." explains Fitz. "And let me take a gander here, the horse pills turned Dusty into a horse and you tried to pass him off as Race Tracks?" asks Randall. "Exactly." said Fitz. "I don't know who's the blame here! But someone's going to to down! That promotion I promised you all is out of the question!" said Randall.
Fitz tries to reason with Randall, "You may have lose to Robby and Dilbert again, but the important thing is we had fun and either or not you win or lose, doesn't matter in the end." Randall still bummed from losing to Robby and Dilbert. "Think you're right. Guess I did let all this shit go to my head." said Randall. Robby and Dilbert carry a trophy and walk by them, "We sure had fun! We had fun winning!" they both cheered. Randall then realizes that winning the horse race wasn't so important after all. "See? Look how they let their victory go to their head." said Fitz. Gina then drags a very tired Dusty by his feet. "What? I loved seeing him race!"
*
Back at the Paradise PD Police Headquarters, Randall tells the story about his defeat, "And that's when I found out Dusty and Race Tracks were one in the same. Then Fitz made me see the light that winning isn't so significant. Good job for giving it all you got Dusty!" "Thanks boss. I can finally go back to eating my Possum Pizza and Fried Chicken!" said Dusty who was happily eating his favorite junk foods. Gina said, "I beat the shit out of that Marv Albert for trying to ruin my fun with Dusty yesterday! Now he's in a holding cell and my scrapbook of arrests!" "Anyone seen Kevin or Stanley?" asked Fitz. Bullet walks in with a wheelchair that had Stanley on it who was all knocked out. "Here's Stanley in case you all were wondering." Stanley still had signs on him that said, "I Can't Breathe!" "Hands Up Don't Shoot" "Black Lives Matter." "Stanley! What in the world happened!" screams Randall. Stanley presses a button on his wheelchair and it says in a robot voice, "You don't want to know."
Kevin comes in. "Here I am! Yesterday at the horse races I took it upon myself to save people in a burning building!" Kevin walks to a TV Set, "And here's the news report to prove it!" The Local News from Paradise was being shown on the television and an Asian Reporter named Shin Omitomotio said in a thick Japanese accent, "In news today. At local howse waces. A fiwre emwlrged acwoss stweet. The heroic po-weece officer named Sevin Sawford had saved evewyone on builwing. News at E-wev-ven!"
Kevin throws the TV aside and screams, "SHIT! Now nobody will ever know about me or what I did!" Fitz, Gina, Dusty, Randall, Stanley, and Bullet all laughed at him. Randall cracks up, "There's just something about Japanese accents that crack me up!" Dusty said, "I'm the one who lost the horse race, and Kevin turns out to be the failure!" "Less talk more eat!" said Gina stuffing Dusty's mouth. "Tough break kid! Here have some horse jerky! It'll make you feel better!" said Bullet. Kevin takes the beef jerky from Bullet. "Fine." said Kevin as he bit into the horse jerky that Bullet gave him.
Bullet walks by Kevin, "Better luck next time, Sevin Sawford!" Fitz walks up to Kevin, "Like I said to your father, winning isn't everything........" Kevin says in a depressed tone, "Oh, shut up Fitz. Go back to Chicago!"
The End
The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production
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