FicWad

TW: Full of toilet humor and talks of human waste. Rated M for a reason. Anyone else as excited as I am about Paradise PD season 2!?




Paradise PD Presents


A Narwhal Puppy Production



Sewer Bait


From the bathroom of the Paradise PD Police Department, screams from Randall Crawford can be heard.


"OH SHIT!"

"Metamucil is supposed to keep you 'regular'! Regular my ass!"

"COME ON! OH FUCK IT TO HELL!"

"WHY DOESN'T THIS SHIT WANT TO COME OUT OF MY ASS!"

Hyperventiliating then sweating like a wreck. Randall tries again. "Fuck! I feel like Slim Pickens in 1941!" Fitz comes to the bathroom door, "Is everything okay in there?" he asks. "I've been in here for the past three days trying to take a shit! Of course I'm not okay!" Running away scared, Fitz runs into the break room. "Oh gosh! Oh man! Why can't this happen to Kevin instead?" Randall moaned. "This is worse than when I got addicted to Dusty's heroin fueled chicken!" Fitz comes to the bathroom door again, "Mind if I offer a word of advice?" "Blow it out your ass, Fitz!" said Randall. Fitz tells him anyway, "It could help if you clear your mind....." "Thought I told you to fuck off!" Randall shouts from the bathroom. Fitz runs away again, "DAMN! That just triggered my PTSD!" Suddenly, instantaneously, without warning, Randall was finally able to pass a bowel movement. "YES! ABOUT FUCKING TIME!" Flushing the toilet, Randall goes to his desk. The bowel that Randall passed gets flushed into the sewers of Paradise. Then slowly it forms into a ball like monster. Who then starts laughing like a psychotic crack pot. "Now's the time to destroy this pathetic town and ruin lives!"

The Ball Monster snuck into people's homes and replaces the water in their plumbing systems with feces. Afterwards the Ball Monster steals something that looks like a laminated piece of paper as Bullet was sleeping.

Though out the day there have been reports of people's plumbing systems have had liquidifed feces coming out of the faucets. Randall has been getting phone calls about this. Fitz runs in. "Randall, did you hear that everyone in town has shit coming out of their plumbing!" "Yes! Been getting phone calls about this all fucking day! What I am supposed to do about it? I'm not a plumber! I'm a chief of police!" rants Randall. Bullet runs into the station. "Emergency! My dog ID has been stolen!" "Shit! It's like one fucking thing after another today!" said Fitz. Bullet and Fitz notice that the other police officers weren't around. "Where's Dusty, Kevin, Gina, and Stanley?" asks Fitz. Randall says, "Kevin signed up for the X Games and dragged Gina, Dusty, and Stanley to support him after I refused to go."

"Damn such bullshit today! Everyone else is gone, Bullet gets his dog ID stolen, and people have literal crap coming out of their plumbing!" Fitz complains. "That's why I'm putting you and Bullet both on the case!" said Randall. Bullet looks worried, "I just want to find my ID! You know what will happen to me if the dog pound catches me without it! And what they'll do to me once they find out I'm a dog sniffing dog who's an ADDICT!" Fitz assures Bullet, "We'll do some New Age Healing before we go, it'll help us focus. We have lots of stress coming to us today!"

"I won't allow it! The time is to act NOW!" Randall demands. "Look, Randall's right. The sooner we can catch the perp who stole my ID and we find out who did who fucked up the town's plumbing the better!" said Bullet.

"Get your asses out there and solve this case! We want people in this fucking town to think we're a reliable police department!" Randall says. Fitz and Bullet were both on their way to crack the case of Bullet's ID and the plumbing systems.

At his desk, Randall overdoses on Metamucil and Ex Lax. Fitz and Bullet were walking the streets of Paradise. Feces were coming out of manholes, fire hydrants, and sewage drains. "Think I know a way to track down who stole your ID Bullet." said Fitz.

"Really? You do know I use that ID for nightclubs and when I want to prove I'm the right age in dog years. And to add to get drugs from dealers." said Bullet.

"Just follow along with me." said Fitz who gazes back and forth not knowing where to look, "What a day to forget my piccolo flute."

"This isn't the time to think about your stupid ass flute Zamfir!" yelled Bullet.

Fitz spouts back, "Do you want to find your ID or not!"

Bullet follows Fitz to a payphone. "A payphone! A fucking payphone! What good is that going to do? What're you? Colin Farrell in Phone Booth!" shouted Bullet.

Fitz explains, "Going to call the dog pound, they can track to where ever your ID is then leading us to the criminal!"

Crosses his arms, "Whatever!" Bullet said giving the up eyes.

Fitz dials the phone to try to reach the Dog Pound, "Hello, information! I need the number to the Paradise Dog Pound, please!" The voice on the other end says, "Your call is important to us, please put in your name, number and we'll get back to you!" "BEEP!"

"The hell with you, Fitz! I'll do this myself!"

"Bullet, it's not my fault they won't answer their phone!"

Getting testy and restive, Bullet gets his cellphone and calls the Dog Pound himself and disguises his voice as Randall's. "Hello, Dog Pound! Yes, this is Randall Crawford of the Paradise PD calling. My dog Bullet's ID went missing. Can you locate it for me! Thank you!"

"Cool, Bullet! You can do an brilliant impersonation of Randall. Robin Williams ain't got fucking nothing on you!"

The voice says, "One moment, please!" "BEEP!"

Bullet in Randall's voice screams into the cellphone, "Fuck one moment please! I need it today this minute!"

"All right sir." the voice said giving in.

Catching the first break and clue in the case, the voice on the other end says, "Sir, thanks for your patience, we located your Dog's ID. It's in Veracruz Mexico."

"Thank you! That's all, goodbye!" Bullet says in Randall's voice then using his regular voice. "What did you learn about your ID?" asks Fitz. "It's in Veracruz Mexico!" said Bullet. "Let's get our asses over to Mexico!" said Fitz. As they were getting ready to go to Veracruz, a bunch of moonshiners threw cleaned out alcohol bottles at them.

"Shit, Bullet! Did you just dial Phone-A-Beer?"

"That wasn't me!"

Fitz and Bullet soon found themselves being harassed and surrounded by moonshiners.

"That's him!

"That's him there!"

"What're they talking about?" wonders Fitz.

"It's that mother fucking dog who put dog turds in our whiskey!"

"He even peed and jizzed in our whiskey before he sold it to us!"

"AFTER THEM!"

"Ohhhhh, Damn! We're getting the fuck outta here!" shouted Fitz.

"I didn't do any of this!" Bullet pleads. "We have a double mystery on our hands! Your ID and the plumbing systems." impled Fitz.

While getting chased by the moonshiners who also were armed with pitchforks, guns and crowbars. Fitz and Bullet run to some train tracks.

"We'll take the train to Mexico!" screams Fitz.

"Hopefully these assholes will give up chases us by then!" said Bullet.

Waiting for the train to arrive, Fitz says, "This train is the 10:30 train to Veracruz!"

"Where the hell is this train supposed to arrive! We don't fucking have all day!" yelled Bullet.

"Damn! It's not 10:30 yet!" Fitz said checking his watch.

"Will it ever be? These moonshiners are going to murder us any minute!" Bullet screeched.



*



The 10:30 train to Veracruz was coming slowly as Fitz and Bullet prepared to board on the boxcars. The moonshiners were still chasing them in anger.

"Jesus Christ! The 3:10 to Yuma was faster than this!" said Bullet. "You really need to learn how to be patient!" said Fitz.

Meanwhile, at the Paradise PD Police Station, Randall was still on the toilet. The phone was ringing off the hook. Complaints about the plumbing systems being filled with liquid feces. "Goddammit! Why is that phone interrupting my toilet time!" Randall runs to the phone and the laxatives he took went into effect as diarrhea was dripping from his butt. "Paradise PD! Can I help you!" "Shit! You're the 10th person who called about that! My men are on the case!" Randall answered phone call after phone call, until he went back to his toilet and slipped on his own diarrhea. "AAAAAAHHHHHH! I hate this life! I'll get Dusty to clean that up!"

Back at the train tracks, the train arrived and Fitz and Bullet climbed onto the boxcars. The moonshiners were out for vengeance. "This asses won't give up!" said Fitz. "Let's try climbing onto the the top." suggests Bullet. Fitz and Bullet climbed to the top of the boxcars. So did some moonshiners who were getting their guns ready to shoot them both. Fitz was having traumatic flashbacks during his time at the Chicago PD. "Ooooooh! I'm having bad flashbacks! My PTSD is getting the better of me!" "Great time to be having flashbacks, wuss!" Bullet snarked. The moonshiners were about to shoot them. Bullet sees a homeless hobo who bared a resemblance to Hobo Cop. "Fitz! Get ahold of this train hobo!" Bullet orders him. Fitz grabbed the train hobo and said, "Isn't this Hobo Cop?" "No it's his cousin Hobo Train Rider!" said Bullet. The Moonshiners yelled, "Get shoot these sumbitches!" Fitz and Bullet used Hobo Train Rider as a shield so they won't get shot by the Moonshiners. The Hobo Train Rider got shot full of holes as blood gushed all over. Some of the Moonshiners fell off the train. Bullet throws Hobo Train Rider off the train.

Bullet cracks a joke, "I think we just bummed a ride!" Fitz begins to die of laughter and urinated in his pants then says, "That is so fucking funny Bullet! That was hilarious! All because we used a used a Hobo as a shield! Oh shit! I'm dying here! Fuck John Stewart and Stephen Colbert! Fuck them! Fuck them!" The laughter soon came to a halt when more Moonshiners climbed onto the top of the boxcars very determined to kill Bullet and Fitz. "AAAAAHHHHH! Get these mother fucking Moonshiners off the mother fucking train!" screamed Fitz fearfully. "Too bad we don't have another hobo!" said Bullet. The remaining Moonshiners aimed their guns and pitchforks at them both.

"Any last words whiskey tainter?"

Fitz points to the sky and says, "Look! A duck! I think it's duck season!"

The Moonshiners get all stunned and uncomprehending as they aim their guns into the sky.

"A duck? Where!"

Then the Moonshiners end up shooting each other and stabbing themselves with the pitchforks. All falling off the train leaving a bloody mess. Fitz and Bullet high fived each other. "YES! YES! YES! We showed them!" Their triumph over the Moonshiners doesn't last as the train speeds up and is about to go under a bridge.

"Oh no!" Fitz said. "What now?" asked Bullet. "Think we're going to be the ones who have to duck now!" Fitz implies. "OH SHIT! We won't fit!" said Bullet as he sees the upcoming bridge. "Oh yes we will! We can't fail this. Here! We will both do a crow and crane pose. I learned this in Yoga!" said Fitz. "What the hell is that! I don't speak Oriental!" said Bullet. "Just follow along with me!" said Fitz. When Fitz gets into the crow and crane pose, Bullet does the same. The speeding train makes it's way under the bridge and Fitz and Bullet come out unscathed.

"Think we're going to be headed to Mexico right about now." said Fitz. "Your lame ass Yoga pose saved us from being squashed!" said Bullet. "What did you say?" Fitz screamed at Bullet feeling offended. "Well, that wasn't to be taken seriously...." said Bullet. The train has arrived in Veracruz Mexico. The force speed of the train made Fitz and Bullet fall off and onto a billboard with glasses on it.

Once they got themselves off the billboard. Bullet and Fitz were looking around for any signs of Bullet's ID. "Say when this is over, how about you and I watch a chicken fight?" asks Bullet. "Oh no way! Not after that whole extremity with Dusty that one time! One of those chickens had a gun that tried to kill me!" said Fitz. Out in the open sandy lots, Bullet finds what looks like his ID.

"Is that what I think it is?" said Bullet. "Think it might be your ID!" said Fitz. They both run to take a better look at it, and it was indeed Bullet's ID. Bullet rejoiced when he got his ID back! "YES! YES! YES! Never will I have to get sent to the pound to be euthanized!" A shadow lurks behind them both.

"I knew you two would show up."

"Fitz, did you say something?"

"No, Bullet I didn't. Maybe it was you!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"Neither did I! If you didn't who did!"

"No, I said it!"

Feeling spooked out Bullet and Fitz both turn around to see an indefinite antipathy that spreads out before them.

"OH MAN! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!"

It revealed itself to be a Ball Monster formed from Randall's feces that came from the Paradise sewers.

"Greetings from Paradise!" said the Ball Monster. "Allow me to make your aquaintance. I am the Shit Monster! I make Shit Happen!"

Fitz decides to interrogate the Shit Monster, "We both work for the Paradise PD Police! We wanna ask you a few questions!"

Bullet asks, "Were you the one who stole my ID and sold tainted whiskey to moonshiners?"

The Shit Monster answers, "Yes it was me! I disguised myself as you! I was the one who fucked up the plumbing systems in Paradise by replacing water with shit!!"

"That just about wraps it up!" said Fitz. "We're going to take you down for messing with cops!" warns Bullet. "When I say down I mean Down Town!" The Shit Monster says, "I don't think so! You'll never take me alive!" laughed the Shit Monster.

Fitz and Bullet were getting in a position to fight, but the Shit Monster grabs them both and locks them in an abandoned jail cell. "Wasn't there a Shit Monster in that movie Dogma?" asks Bullet.



*



The Shit Monster was now making it's way around Veracruz and making the residents have gastro-intestinal issues. Most were vomiting and and crapping on the streets. Fitz and Bullet now were imprisoned in an abandoned jail cell with no means of escape.

"We can't let him get away with this!" said Fitz. "Gotta get outta here and fuck it's ass up!" Fitz slams his fist on the palm of his hand.

"All we need is a foolproof escape plan." said Bullet.

"Escapes are always hard to figure out. How it is in the movies and television!" said Fitz.

Bullet has a concept, "I can think of us to escape from here!" Bullet then pulls out his bong. "A bong! Damn! How the fuck is that going to help?" shouts Fitz. "It's not just any other Bong, it's my lucky Bong! My best ideas come to me when I'm high!" Bullet explains.

Fitz implied, "OKay. Hope it's soon. In fact. How about we both think of an escape plan? Unlike you, my best ideas come to me when I meditate."

Bullet begins to get high on his Bong as Fitz was meditating. Ambient sitar music plays for 10 seconds. Ideas were entering their minds as how to hinder the Shit Monster and escape from their prison. The music ceases. A plan comes underway. Bullet discovers that the bars are wide enough for him to squeeze through. "Oh get a load of this! I can fit!" said Bullet. "Well, wait up! Don't forget about me! I got left behind like this back in Chicago!" said Fitz as he tries to squirm his way through the bars, but gets stuck. "Oh, son of a bitch! I'm stuck! HHHEEEELLLLLLPPPP!!!!!!!" Bullet who's high from the Bong he smokes says, "Stay right where you are, I'm going to find some butter!"

"Butter! Fuck butter! I need a bulldozer to cram my ass outta here!" Fitz said. Bullet looks around and sees a truck with a hinge on it and a bungee rope inside. "That's it!" Bullet says. The song Sleeping Pills by Nick Waterhouse plays as Bullet attaches the bungee rope to the hinge of the truck. Bullet then attaches the other end of the rope to the jailhouse. "Saw this on 1000 Ways To Die once!" said Bullet. "Now I know where you got your education from." Fitz says in a cynical edgy tone. Bullet jumps into the truck and starts it up. The plan sort of worked, Fitz was still stuck in the cell bars and Bullet was driving truck at high speeds taking the abandoned jailhouse with it.

"Do you even know what you're doing!" screams Fitz. Bullet calls out to Fitz, "I'm going to ram this jailhouse into the Shit Monster!" "Such wisdom! Just genius! You should've helped me out of these bars first!" shouted Fitz.

Ignoring Fitz's screams, Bullet drives around Veracruz trying to find the Shit Monster. When he finally does, Bullet drives circles around the Shit Monster.

"Wrought havoc around Paradise, now I will do it here in Mexico! What the.......I've seen this trick before! It won't work!" the Shit Monster tells Bullet. Fitz was getting dizzy. "I'm going to puke my guts!" "Oh yes it will! Your existence is going to go to shit!" Bullet cackles. The rope tied around the Shit Monster's feet as Bullet was driving around. The jailhouse crashed into the Shit Monster then it takes a tumble and explodes as it lands in the ground.

Fitz was impressed and was now out of the jail bars, "Damn! That was awesome! But WHAT ABOUT ME!" Fitz was now stuck in a cactus. "Don't worry, I'm coming!" Bullet says as he runs over to Fitz and frees him from the cactus. "That was a blast!" Fitz said with excitement. "Yes it was! I sent him straight to jail! He didn't pass go or collect $100!" jokes Bullet. "I get it, like in Monopoly." laughs Fitz. As they were walking around Veracruz, the residents there saw them as heroes.

"FIESTA! FIESTA! VIVA LA HEROES! FIESTA! FIESTA!"

"Well do you see that! We're heroes for what we did!" said Bullet.

Some of the shit from The Shit Monster landed on a Mexican Bandito who was wearinga belt of bullets around his chest. "I HATE THAT! I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS! LLLOOOOOOOKKKKK! SHIT ALL OVER MY BULLETS AND EVERYTHING!" Fitz and Bullet laugh as they try to find the next train back to Paradise. Some of the residents wanted them to stay. "Where are you going?" "We're going to have a celebration in your honor!" "For destroying Shit Monster."

Fitz realizes the next train to Paradise doesn't leave for another few hours. "Oh hell! We can stay for a while!"

"OLE! OLE! OLE! FIESTA!" says all the residents when they gather around Fitz and Bullet then throw them up in a blanket. Bullet said, "You know, Mexico has the best drugs!" After the party was over Fitz and Bullet jumped aboard the train back to Paradise. The Veracruz residents sent Bullet home with all of his favorite drugs.

When the party ended, the train going back to Paradise had a wall in front.

"A border wall! Maybe Mexicans want to keep us Americans out!" laughs Bullet.

"You're right! It's like reverse racism!" agrees Fitz who joins the laughter.


*


Back in Paradise Randall was feeling the strain and tenseness of all the phone calls he had been receiving about the town's plumbing systems. So much so, he ripped the whole office with his bare hands.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Randall shouts as he then punches holes through the walls of the police station. Fitz and Bullet run in.

"What's going on!" asks Fitz. "What do you think! The sewers systems are still FUCKED! Been getting calls from people ALL DAY!" screamed Randall. "Got my dog ID!" Bullet. "FUCK YOUR ID! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PLUMBING SYSTEMS BEFORE I GO INSANE!" orders Randall. "We had a battle with a Shit Monster and he was the one who screwed up the plumbing systems!" said Fitz.

Bullet and Fitz then have a moment of perceptiveness that just because the Shit Monster was defeated, didn't mean the plumbing systems were going to be fixed.

"When we took down that cock sucking Shit Monster, I assumed the plumbing systems would be restored!" said Fitz.

"How are we going to solve this one?" asked Bullet.

Fitz says, "I know some Wicca!" He was wearing a necklace that had a pentagram on it and harnessed it's energy by hoisting it into the sun. The energy from the pentagram necklace was working and in no time at all, the town's plumbing systems was being restored. "At least we won't be like Flint Michigan!" said Bullet. "We repaired the town's plumbing!" calls Fitz. Then Bullet and Fitz come to the now broken down Paradise PD Station. Some sirens were headed in their direction. Some men in white suits came to take Randall away.

"Randall Crawford!"

"I think you better come with us for a while!"

Randall was restrained in a straight jacket and then was carted away into the ambulance. Randall wasn't going to go down without a fight." "PHONE CALLS! PHONE CALLS! SO MANY PHONE CALLS! SHIT IN PLUMBING! I'M WALKING THROUGH THE SPIDERWEBS!!!!!"

Bullet tells Fitz, "Maybe you can use your Wicca to rebuild the police station." Fitz decides not to, "Nah. Some construction workers will be here soon."

Fitz and Bullet walk off into the sunset and talk about the time they had.

"You know, Bullet. I had a lot of pleasure and enjoyment from this journey we had in Mexico."

"Correct! I got lot of drugs from Mexico to remind me of a good time we experienced!"

"We outran Moonshiners, stowed away on a train, found your ID. Remember it like it was yesterday!"

"Don't forget about that asshole Shit Monster! We sure showed him!"

"Now that Randall will be away for a while, what would you like to do?"

"Kevin is still at the X Games let's join him and the others."

"Good idea."

"Fitz you make an excellent Satanist!" said Bullet.

"What I did was not devil worship." said Fitz.

"Sure it was? Was it?" asks Bullet.

Fitz looks at the screen and says, "The religion I used to restore the town was Wicca. Now keep this in mind boys and girls! Wicca is NOT Satanism! Wicca and Satanism are two different things!"

Bullets rolls his eyes, "Is this going to be another 'Fitz Bitz" thing!"

The Rainbow that said, "FITZ BITZ" is shown. "Oh shit!" said Bullet. "I knew it!"

Fitz and Bullet were now heading to the X Games to meet with Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley.



The End



The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!