Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

Warlocks And Witchcraft

by narwhalpuppy 0 reviews

Stewie Griffin sets a goal to take over the world the old fashioned way. With WitchCraft.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2020-04-13 - 2753 words - Complete

A/N: This fanfiction will be short with no cutaways. Just saying.

Family Guy Presents

A Narwhal Puppy Production

Warlock of Glory

Getting up from a nap and heading his way into family room. Brian walks in to see Stewie on his laptop. "Stewie! What the hell are you doing on my laptop!" demanded Brian. "Oh, if you have to know I'm writing a novel now!" was Stewie's best answer. Brian gives Stewie a reminder, "Remember our agreement. You can only use my laptop if you have my permission!" "Hush up or I'll send you to Hush-A Russia!" Stewie said. "Is that even a real place?" Brian spurted back. Observing the baby genius some more, Brian knows that Stewie isn't typing anything. "Hey, wait a minute, " wised up Brian, "If you're writing a novel then how come you're not typing anything."

Stewie says, "I'm spell checking! Actually it's not a novel." "Then what is it? And why do you need my laptop for it?" asked Brian. "It's a script for a sequel to the movie Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. This one is called, Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Ghost is Haunting Our House!" Stewie said. "Thought we agreed to never write scripts again. Especially after that fiasco we had about being playrights In New York City." said Brian. Stewie is done using Brian's laptop. "You can have it back, old buddy." said Stewie walking out of the room.

Getting back his laptop, Brian uses the 'seach history'. "All right, Stewie you son of a bitch. Let's see what you're really up to!" Feeing quite shocked, Brian finds out that Stewie was looking up A "Glory Hand". "WHAT! Glory Hand! What would Stewie want with this!" Brian shouted. Running upstairs to Stewie's bedroom to confront him, Brian tells the evil baby, "You're weren't writing a movie script. You were looking up a Glory Hand!" Stewie who was not too surprised that Brian found out. "That's exactly what I wanted you to find out!" said Stewie.

"What do you plan to do with this Glory Hand?" asked Brian. "Well, since techology and computers haven't been doing well for me. So I wanted to try a more primitive approach. With Withcraft!" said Stewie. "You might as well watch Charmed if you want to learn about that shit!" retorted Brian. "Think of the power I can have with this Glory Hand, Brian!" said Stewie.

"All right. Where are you going to find one?" asked Brian. "It's at a museum in England. With that being said, this is going to be our next adventure, Brian!" said Stewie.

"OKay, you know, Quagmire has a plane in a hangar at the Quahog Airport, maybe we can steal it!" said Brian. "Indeed we shall. Come Brian!" said Stewie.

Brian drives Stewie to the airport and they find the hangar where Quagmire's plane was. "Do I remember him flying this at that air show! He crashed into a billboard of Greta Van Sustrin." said Brian. "This could be your way of getting even with him for hating you." said Stewie.

Entering the hangar and taking Quagmire's plane, Stewie flies it to England. "You want this Glory Hand for yourself or can I use it to?" asked Brian. "Nope, it's just for me. When I plot a world takeover with it, Bertrum will be the Starscream to my Megatron!" Stewie said.

Flying in Quagmire's plane to England. Stewie was piloting the plane. "Hmm, I never knew you could fly a plane." Brian said. "Of course I can." said Stewie. Brian offers, "You can barely drive a car. Say, can I be your co-pilot?" "No. God is my co-pilot." Stewie answered. "That's what they all say." Brian says rolling his eyes.

Looking out the window, Brian sees the Atlantic Ocean below them. "That's a beautiful sight. Seeing the ocean from the sky."

Stewie begins. "In no time at all. I will be the most feared warlock in history." "You want to be a warlock? Oh yes that's right. You think techology failed you." says Brian. Quickly changes the subject, Stewie says, "Let's Play Guess What Movie?"

"Sounds better than Truth or Dare." Brian said. "Who am I?" began Stewie, "Which Way To Ireland! Which Way To Ireland!" Brian replies, "The Spirit of St. Louis." "Correct, now how about this. We See A Deadly Sin on Every StreetCorner, in Every Home...." Stewie said, "Uh, Se7en." Brian answers. "That's good! That's good!" Stewie said. Hours gone by and Stewie has finally reached his destination: England.


Touring though London trying to find the museum that had the fabled hand. Brian and Stewie go on a Double Decker Bus. "Do you know which museum exactly?" Brian asked off the cuff. Stewie looks on his iphone, "According to this, the Glory Hand is in the National History museum. National History Museum please!" The bus driver says, "Next stop, National History Museum!"

Coldplay's Cemetaries of London plays when Brian and Stewie got dropped off at the National History Museum. Before going inside, Brian and Stewie see the Glory Hand under some glass in a room in which it was kept. "Son of a bitch! I found it, Brian!" Stewie exclaims. "Yeah, and how are you going to...." before Brian can go on, he sees Stewie had disappear only to reappear by throwing a rock at the window that had a gas bomb full of sleeping gas attached to it. Thus everyone inside felt fast asleep. "Shit! Now we'll really be in for it! What're you thinking!" Brian said.

"We won't get in trouble! I knocked everyone out!" said Stewie. "For someone who's supposed to be a genius, you never look before you leap, what about the security cameras? Didn't you take that into consideration. We'll get caught one way or another!" Brian implies. "I need that Glory Hand now!" Stewie shouted then gets a can of spray paint and rushes to cover up the lenses to all the security cameras. "There! Now no one will ever know!"

Feling nervous and glancing around Brian didn't know what to think. "I hate feeling like I'm involved with commiting an international crime." "Shut up and help me find the Glory Hand!" Stewie orders him. "Good to have you by my side, Brian! Think of this as our European Heist! Will you look at us now! Why this is like that movie The Italian Job! But only we can call it The British Job!" "Whatever! Just get that hand and let's get out of here!" Brian said.

Stewie finds the Glory Hand, "YES! YES! YES! The moment I've been waiting for! We found it!" "We'll have to break the glass...." Brian said. Stewie just picked up the glass from where the hand was encased. "All we need now is a stewing pot." said Stewie. Brian sees one and points straight ahead. "There's one over there, Gordon Ramsey." Song ended.

Getting his iphone, Stewie reads, "We'll need to activate it." "What? Now this hand needs ingredients?" asked Brian. Stewie said, "Of course, now what we'll need is this.....or and did I mention the Glory Hand is a real human hand? The hand of a murderer no less!" Stewie informs Brian.

"I don't give a rats ass what it is! I just want to get out of here and go back to Quahog!" Brian said.

"When I become a warlock, you'll learn to respect me!" Stewie said.

"The hell I will! I'll want nothing to do with you after this!" Brian warned him. "Taking a guess here, you're going to kill Lois with it! Am I correct!?"

"THAT'S ENOUGH NOW!" Stewie screamed. Then going back on his iphone to get more information on how to activiate the Glory Hand. "OKay, what we'll need'll have to get all this's a rather bizzare recepie. First Brian, set the fingers on fire."

Brian gets a zippo lighter from his pocket and lights the fingers of the Glory Hand on fire. "Got it. Now what?"

With the Glory Hand on fire, Stewie says, "OKay now here's the receipe, listen carefully. The gull of a black cat and a blood of a screech owl! All right, Brian! Go get me that stuff!" "Where am I going to find that shit?" asked Brian.

"On google maps there's a withccraft store across the street." said Stewie. "Lucky for me I got my American Express Credit Card!" said Brian. "Yeah, Don't Leave Home Without it!" laughs Stewie as Brian rushes to the witch craft store. Returning with the ingredients, Brian puts them all in a pot. "Good work, Brian. Now let me work my magic!" Stewie says getting an oar to stir the blood and gulls with. "There's also a chant, I'll do it. NOW OPEN LOCK! TO THE DEAD MAN'S KNOCK! FLY, BOLT, BAR, AND BAND! NOR MOVE NOR SWEVRE, JOINT MUSCLE, OR NERVE! AT THE SPELL OF THE DEAD MAN'S HAND! SLEEP, ALL WHO SLEEP! WAKE, ALL WHO WAKE! BUT BE AS DEAD FOR THE DEAD MAN'S SAKE!"

After Stewie did the chant, he tells Brian, "Put the hand inside the pot." Brian does as Stewie told him. The results will only end in disaster. When Brian throws the burning Glory Hand into the pot with the gulls and blood, the whole concoction explodes on both of them. Making them both fly into the air. The police scour the area of the National Museum of History.

"SURRENDER! YOU'RE SURROUNDED! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" The police go in and search the museum and find the Glory Hand and the stew pot. "Who could've done something like this? Who!" Debris from the explosion Stewie caused lands on all the police who breathed it in and coughed like crazy until they passed out.

Finding themselves suspended in the air. Brian and Stewie are flying higher into the sky.
"Did I do it! Did I do it! Am I a warlock now? I must be! I'm flying!" Stewie said hopefully. "No you dumb ass shit face! If anything you screwed everything up!" screeched Brian.

"HOW? I did everything to exact specifications." said Stewie. Still flying around in the sky, Brian takes Stewie's iphone and reads. "That recipe was actually an antidote for the Glory Hand!"

Stewie began to worry, "Oh no! I thought I had everything under control! How am I going to be a warlock now!"

Brian and Stewie land in a forest and land in an Areonatics Plant. They both crash land into a test rocket. "Oh great. What can posibly go wrong now?" said Stewie.

Not before long, the test rocket was launched causing Brian and Stewie to travel at incredible speeds.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" they both scream in terror.

"Will you ever admit you're not ready to take over the world!" shouted Brian!

"As the old saying goes, where's there's a will there's an A!" shouted Stewie back.

"An A? You mean like that book and those videos to get help students get better grades in school?" jokes Brian.

"Laugh if you must! I meant to say WAY!" Stewie shouted.

"This reminds me of that movie Terminal Velocity!" Brian shouts.

"Yes, you're Charlie Sheen, and I'm Nastassja Kinsi!" Stewie shouts.

"Why must you always put yourself in female roles!" Brian shouts. "You are not a woman!"

"No time for me to answer that, look! We're going to crash into that wooden board!" Stewie shouts as he points.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" both scream once more.

The test rocket crashes into the wooden board that reads, "HAD A NICE DAY". Brian and Stewie fly out of the test rocket and into some shrubbery.


Picking themselves up then brushing themselves off. Stewie is still distraught that his plan didn't go as he had hoped. Brian tells him, "It's okay Stewie. There's always other times."

Stewie looks up in the sky and sees an object fly then land in their direction. "Stewie? You listening to me...." Brian said. The object lands next to both of them and it turned out to be a magic oil lamp. "My time is today Brian! Now here is my chance!" Stewie said as he rubbed the magic oil lamp. The lamp shook violently and out came a genie who who glared at them both. Brian snaps, "You've put me throught pure hell on this trip, Stewie! I am this close to giving up! That is my warning!"

"Greetings! I am Lodack! You have woken me from a 6000 year slumber. For that I grant the two of you three wishes!"

Brian decides he's had enough, "Here's my wish.....I wish I can go back to Quahog the way I came!" "Done!" Lodack the genie tells Brian who snaps his fingers and grants Brian his wish. Before he knew it, Brian was on Quagmire's plane going back to Quahog.

"To hell with Brian anyway." said Stewie getting excitedly giddy, rubbing his hands. "Now onto you, lad. Two wishes left!" demanded Lodack.

"Wow Lodack! You're a way better genie than Will Smith in that shitty live action Aladdin remake!" said Stewie. "I give you the count of sixty seconds to make a wish." said Lodack.

Stewie thinks long and hard about this. What kind of wish will be make? Is Stewie's wish going to be to have knowledge in witch craft to be a warlock. Or will he wish for to be a power crazed evil dictator who will unleash chaos and destruction all over the world.

"Come on, I haven't got all day...make your wish now!" Lodack yells at Stewie.

Right when Stewie was about to have Lodack grant his wish, the tail end of Quagmire's plane grabs the baby from behind. "WHAT THE DUECE! BLAST!"

Lodack goes back in his lamp, "Good. Now I can go back to sleep for another 6000 years! Don't have to put up with this shit anymore!"

Brian brings Stewie into Quagmire's plane by opening a door that emitted a strong wind. Brian was able to close the plane door on time. "Why Brian! Why! I was going to finally get my wish and....." Stewie began to cry.

"Maybe the reason you messed up that Glory Hand spell is because you're just a baby. You're not ready for world domination yet." said Brian.

"I was born ready for that!" Stewie protests until he notices there's nobody flying the plane. "Wait? Why is there no pilot aboard?"

"I put it on autopilot." explained Brian. "You know Stewie. Don't you think you were rushing into this take over the world thing a llittle too soon?"

"It's never too soon to plot to take over, Brian. I want to start while I'm young." said Stewie.

Brian gives Stewie a friendly lecture, "If you take over the world now, or become a warlock or whatever. You'll just be wasting your youth. If you were to act on that wish or if you had succeeded in that Glory Hand spell. You will probably be happy for a while. Then you will realize that you never given yourself a chance to be a baby and a kid."

"But I hate being a baby! Don't you get it!" yelled Stewie.

"I know. You remember what happened to Puyi in that movie The Last Emperor. You don't want to end up like that, do you? My advice to you is enjoy being a baby and a kid while you still can. It only happens once in a lifetime. Never rush yourself into impossible goals and adulthood so soon. You can end up old before your time." Brian said.

Brian's words had finally struck a chord with Stewie. "By god. You're right Brian. I remember how much pressure Lois and the Fatman put me through when they made me audition for commercials."

"That's my sentiment exactly. Now let's go home." said Brian. "Sounds good to me." said Stewie. "From now on I am going to be a baby and a kid. But still maintain my genius. That doesn't mean I'll stop doing inventions!" "I like that! What do you say when we get home we watch the movie Wild Orchid. We'll rip that awful movie a new one!" suggested Brian.

"Sounds like fun!" said Stewie. "Forget witchcraft and world domination. For now anyway!"

Quagmire's plane flies into New York City and makes it way to Quahog. The sun sets in the west. Stewie tells Brian, "Guess what? Meg's birthday is coming up. I'm going to get her tape!"

The End

The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!

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