Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

King of Quahog Comedy

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

A famous comedian in town who just so happens to be Peter's favorite.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2020-04-14 - 2295 words - Complete

This fanfic was also co-written by my very good and awesome friend. Oda! From the Macfarlane Verse Proboard! Take a bow, Oda!

Family Guy

Fanfic Title:

King of Quahog Comedy

by: Trenton Sands

Scene 1:

It was a typical day in Quahog. The sun shows its beautiful radiance today again. Peter and His family were watching tv. Peter's favorite comedian is on tv.

Lois: Look! Peter! It's Gerald Anderson!

Peter: Holy Freaking Sweet! He's the Lenny Bruce of our generation!

Gerald: What's the deal with airline food?

Peter: Heh heh heh heh heh heh!

Gerald: Anyone hear taken bets at cockfights?

Peter: (talking to the tv): You know I have!

Lois: (exclamation) Oh Peter!

Peter: Do I love this guy or what! I heard he's coming to Quahog!

Lois: Do you plan to meet him?

Peter: You bet your sweet white ass I am!

Meanwhile Brian was in the front yard longing for a garden.

Brian: (thought) Man, this front yard could use a garden.

Walking along the yard Brian decides the perfect spot.

Brian starts building a fence for his garden when Stewie passes by.

Stewie: Hey Brian! What's with the fence? You building a French Guiana prison?

Brian: I'm gonna put a garden in the front yard.

Afterwards, Brian goes to get the supplies he needs.

Stewie: Brian a gardener. Imagine that. Just like when Peter and his friends made Meg pray to Aqua Buddha!


Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland drunkenly force Meg to pray in a creek by pointing at her.

Meg: ‘I worship you Aqua Buddha, I worship you.’

[End of cutaway]

Stewie: (staring at the screen) That was weak.

Scene 2:

Peter decides he wants to meet Gerald Anderson!

Lois: You look like you're on a mission!

Peter: Mission Impossible! But I'm way cooler than Tom Cruise! Gerald Anderson is in Quahog! I'm going to meet him!

Lois looks as Peter excitingly runs out the front door.

Lois stops him.

Peter: What gives, Lois?

Lois: Not until you tell me why.

Peter: Okay. Because I want to be a stand up comedian just like him. I've been practicing.

(Cutaway Gag)

Peter is doin' a comedy act on a stage.

Peter: You know, everyone says a rainbow is red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. But a rainbow is actually 7 colors. Huh? What's up with that?

Cricket sounds

Peter: (sad) Awwww.

{End Cutaway}

Peter: You can't stop me Lois! For I'm off to see the Wizard!

Lois: Just don't make an ass of yourself!

Peter: No promises.

And with all that's said and done, Peter is on his way to meet his idol.

Brian orders some seeds and fertilizer on Amazon.

Spying on Brian, Stewie sees Brian place his online order.

Stewie: (thought) Ooh. Seeds and fertilizer. Looks like they would be fun to play with. I must get my hands on them.

The email sound is heard. Brian gets a notice about his order. His seeds and fertilizer will be delivered later today.

Brian: (looks down the road): it's the Amazon truck. That should be it.

The Amazon truck drives up to the house. Brian signs for the delivery. Stewie goes to Brian.

Stewie (sniffs around): Smells very delightful! What is it?

Brian: It's seeds and fertilizer. They're for my garden.

Stewie (chases Brian): I want it!! I want it! I want it!!!!

Scene 3:

Peter: (thought) Ok, Peter. You've kidnapped people before. This should come naturally.

A security guard stops him.

Peter uses chloroform to knock him out.

Then Peter gets chased by an army of security guards!

Peter: Holy shit! I feel like I'm being chased by the SWATBots from Sonic Sat Am!

[Cutaway Gag]

In Robotropolis, Peter is running away from robots shooting lasers at him.

SWATBots: Priority One! Priority One! Fat Guy! Priority One! Surrender by order of Robotnik!

Peter: Why?! Why did I have to take their pineapple full of money?

[End Cutaway]

Driving out of the garage, Lois drives to Comedy Club Cafe.

Lois: (thought) Let's see what that idiot is up to.

Peter: Aww man! What are you doing here?

Lois: I cannot let you do this, Peter!

Peter: Oh great....

Lois: Not without me!

Peter: Wholy crap! Talk about a twist of fate!

Lois: Why should you get to have all the fun! I want in on this too! You think you're the only one in this family who loves Gerald Anderson?!

Peter: Well, all right, let's do this.

Lois: But first, let's regroup. Go home and think of a plan. After all, Gerald Anderson is here for three days.

Peter: Wow! Lois! You're full of surprises! Haven't been this shocked since I saw the modern remake of Untamed Women!

[Cutaway Gag]

On a South Seas island. Air Force pilots named Steve, Benny, Ed, and Andy were talking to a Druid Preistess named O-Sandra.

Steve: Do you have Wifi on this island?

O-Sandra: What thou is this wifi?

Ed: You know, social media. The internet.

O-Sandra: There is no much thing as media. Social means having lots of friends. An internet is a giant spider web.

Benny: Ask her if she's ever heard of Facebook!

O-Sandra: How can a face have a book?

Andy: Does your island have iphones?

O-Sandra: Thy tongue is strange! Obviously these men are warlocks! Burn these men to the stake girls!

[End cutaway]

Scene 4:

Peter and Lois go home to think of a plan.

Peter: Ever play Mouse Trap?

Lois: I have.

Peter: Let's do that. Let's set up a trap.

Lois: Good idea, Peter. Let's do that.

In the backyard, Brian proceeded to plant his garden.

Brian: Oh right. Fertilizer I forgot.

Brian looks almost everywhere but can't find it 'cause Stewie took it.

Looking from room to room, Brian still cannot find the fertilizer.

Stewie is in the backyard with all the bags of fertilizer.

Brian was shocked as to what Stewie was doing to the fertilizer.

Stewie: (singing): ...and a sprinkle here. ...and a sprinkle there....

Brian: What the hell are you doing?

Stewie (dances as if he were in a musical): Just some sprinkles a day, helps bring the shit smell all the way!

Brian: You know you're playing in shit, right?

Stewie: Yes of course! I'm using it to make a shit monster for my horror movie!

Brian: You got that from Dogma!

Stewie: So what if I did?

Brian: Whatever.

Getting bitter and frustrated. Stewie decides to throw in the towel on his planned project.

Stewie: Fine! I give up! I won't make my movie! Want this fertilizer for your stupid garden? Go ahead and have it!

Brian gets thebag of fertilizer thrown at him by Stewie.

Peter was now setting a trap to catch Gerald Anderson.

Lois: (giddy): ooooohhhhh! I hope this works!

Peter: It will trust me! Just as easy as when Bill and Ted tortured Mussolini.

Cutaway Gag:

Mussolini was tied to a chair cursing in Italian. As Bill and Ted walked around him about to play their guitars.

Bill: You ready, Ted!

Ted: Lets do this!

Bill and Ted wale on their guitars playing hard rock as Mussolini screamed his head off.

Bill and Ted: Wild Stallions Rule!. Excellent!!!!

Scene 5:

Gerald steps under the trap. Peter releases the trap. It falls, trapping Gerald.

Peter and Lois high five each other!

Lois: Yes! Bullseye!

Peter: All right! We caught him!

Gerald: Who are you?

Peter takes Gerald Anderson to his house, and ties him up in the basement. Peter runs out of the house on his way to the Comedy Club Cafe.

Lois: I'll keep him busy.

Gerald is about to scream for help until Lois puts a gag in Gerald's mouth.

Lois: You're gonna like it here.

Peter: Oh yes! Nows my chance to be a stand up comedian! Even better than when Curly was a boxer!

(Cutaway Gag)

In a boxing ring, Curly defeats a opponent.

Curly: woo! woo! woo! woo! woo! Roadhouse! nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Camera turns over to Peter.

Peter: Roadhouse! Wait a minute! He can't know about that movie!

(End of cutaway)

Running into the Comedy Club Cafe, the audience was waiting for Gerald Anderson to show up.

Everyone was stunned when Peter Griffin took the stage instead.

Peter: How's everyone doing tonight?

Scene 6:

Audience murmurs in confusion.

Peter: I'm Peter Griffin. I'm taking over for Gerald.

Audience Members: We want Gerald! Where the hell is he?!?!

A riot almost ensues.

Peter: I know Gerald is good at what he does but I'm just as good.

Audience Members: Prove it!

Not knowing where to start, Peter has a panic attack.

Audience members: Make us laugh!

Meanwhile in the basement with Lois and Gerald.

Lois: How you doin', Gerald?

Gerald: If I wasn't in these restrains I'd kick your ass! And your husband's too!

Lois sticks her butt out at him then shakes it side to side. Gerald does all he can to break free. But it's no use. He's stuck.

Back at the Comedy Club Cafe. Peter gets tangled in the microphone cable.

Peter: This must be how Rupunzel feels!

Audience Members: Now this is funny!

Peter trips over his shoes and lands on his fat stomach. The audience burst into laughter.

Scene 7:

Peter tries to get up. He does the splits. The audience laughs again. But not with Peter. But at him.

Peter: You think that's funny? Check this out! Look I'm Tiger Woods!

Peter strikes a golf club to the back of his head, knockin' him out.

Being knocked out as the audience explores how with laughter Peter managed to utter out a cutaway.

Peter: They love me!. They really love me! This is even more fun than hanging around with Donkey Kong Jr!

Cutaway Gag:

Up in a tree Peter is with Donkey Kong Jr.

Donkey Kong Jr: Let me go first! Monkey Muscle!

Peter watched Donkey Kong Jr swing from a rope then he does the same.

Donkey Kong Jr: Go Peter! You can do it!

Peter (swings from a rope on a tree): Monkey Muscle!!!

Donkey Kong Jr watched when Peter accidentally bumped into a wooden house.

Peter (sliding off): OUCH!

(End of cutaway)

Coming downstairsLois goes to check on Gerald Anderson only to see he escaped.

Lois: Oh No! What the fuck!.

Gerald runs to the nearest police station.

Lois: Gerald!!! Gerald!!!! Gerald!!!

Running to catch up to him, Lois tackles Gerald to the ground.

Gerald: HELP! HELP! Somebody help me! Get me away from these lunatics!

Tackling him, Lois puts her right hand over his mouth.

Lois: Shush!

Scene 8:

A voice is heard. That shouts "What's Going On Here!" It was none other than Joe Swanson.

Joe confronts Lois.

Lois: 'Alimony'

Joe: Carry on!

Gerald attempts to run away again. Lois runs after him.

Back at the Comedy Club Cafe. The audience loved Peter's stand up routine. After his success, Peter exits the building. He sees Lois chasing after Gerald.

Lois: he escaped! Peter! HELP me!

Peter: I'm on it Lois! Oh by the way! They loved me!

Lois: We can discuss that later. Help me catch Gerald!

Right before they can, they both find themselves surrounded by police.

Police: Freeze!

Before they can do anything, Peter and Lois are both arrested and tried in court the next day. Gerald doesn't press charges but Peter and Lois get sentenced to 72 hours of community service.

As part of Peter's community service, he has to spend six weeks in a mental hospital with a roommate named "Clap" .

Peter: I haven't felt this trapped since I was forced to stay at the Bates Motel!

(Cutaway Gag):

Norman Bates has a knife on Peter.

PETER: (tries to sneak away ): I'm just gonna go.

Norman: Why? Mother wants you to stay! Stay for mother!

The roommate kept clapping his hands to Peter as a way to communicate.

The roommate kept clapping his hands to Peter as a way to communicate. Lois has to spend community service at a senior center. In the mental hospital, Peter was being driven insane by "Clap"! "Clap" keeps clapping his hands.

Peter: Stop! Stop! I command you!

Clap still keeps clapping his hands.

Peter: I've kicked some ass in my day and I will kick yours too!

Clap still keeps clapping.

Peter: All right! You asked for it!

Clap then finds himself getting mercilessly beaten by Peter. Two orderlies break into his room and put Peter in solitary confinement.

Orderly: That's another 6 weeks added to your sentence, Comedian Kidnapper!

Laying on the floor. Peter looked at two ants. The only company he had.

Peter: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Ant.

Staring at the ants Peter begins to fantasize that he's a famous stand up comedian. Peter's face was everywhere. On magazines, in news shows, newspapers, etc. Peter appears on stage.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen. The man you have waited for! Peter Griffin! Peter Griffin ladiees and gentlemen! Peter Griffin! Let's all give him a big hand!

The fantasy ends

Then a dream sequence is shown and it has Peter and Lois both in a car and a parade was going on in their honor. A banner above reads: Welcome Home Peter and Lois. The dream soon ends and Peter finds himself in a white room and sees Joe and Quagmire up ahead. Joe and Quagmire turn around only to be shown as skeletons.

Peter: (slowly): Yyyyyyyooooooouuuurrrreeee Ddddddeeeeeeeaaaaaadddd!

Staring up at the ceiling Peter Griffin finds a pen and starts writing "Kill Gerald Anderson". All over the walls.

The End

(Closing Credits Scene)

Brian finally has his garden then Stewie interrupts him.

Stewie: Wow, Brian. Your gawrden looks lovely.

Brian: Wait what? Gawrden?

Stewie: Yeah, that's what I said.

Brian: Let's not do this again.

Stewie: Do what again?

Brian (angrily): You know what I mean.

The End
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