Categories > Cartoons > American Dad

Rescue 911: Langley Falls

by narwhalpuppy 0 reviews

Roger the elusive alien wants to remake Rescue 911.

Category: American Dad - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2020-04-20 - 4311 words - Complete

American Dad Presents

A Narwhal Puppy Production

Rescue 911: Langley Falls

Getting himself ready to go on a CIA mission, Stan Smith decides to leave Roger in charge until he gets back. Roger is sitting on Stan's office and tells Klaus, "Please replace those hard paper towels with the soft ones I like!" "Why the soft ones? You going to....." Klaus asks. Roger shouts, "REPLACE THEM!" Klaus goes to the bathroom to replace the paper towels. Roger sits back and sighs happily thinking he's going to like being in charge while Stan is away. "Decisions, decisions!" Roger said to himself laying back on Stan's chair. Stan walks into his office and sees Roger.

"Now you sure I can trust you while I'm gone, right?" asked Stan.

Roger salutes, "You can count on me chief! I'll be like Captain Queeg in Caine Mutinty if I have to."

"Nah, don't take it that far," said Stan. "Just take care of all my affairs I do around the house until I get back!" "Can I still do the fun things I usually do?" asked Roger. "Yes, but never forget the things I'm keeping you in charge of. My stocks and bonds, my credit card bills, clean my plate collection. That sort of stuff."

"No problem! You have my word! Break a leg!" said Roger. "Never say that to me before I'm going to Domincan Republic to take down a cocaine farm." Stan said. "What was wrong with me saying that?" asks Roger. "I work for the CIA, not Hollywood! Well, off I go! Goodbye, Francine." Stan says as he kisses his wife before he departs. "Good bye Stan. I'm going to miss you. Write! Write me everyday!" Francine tells her husband.

"Only death can keep me from it! As Nettie from The Color Purple once said." Stan speaks, entering his car, he drives off to the CIA Building to prepare to go on his upcoming mission. Francine and Roger wave goodbye to Stan as they stand in the driveway. Then they both run back into the house.

"I have some fanastic news Roger." said Francine. "What is it?" asked Roger. "I put Jeff in charge of Stan's affairs!" said Francine. "But, Stan trusted me to do that!" said Roger very shocked. "You don't need to. I already showed Jeff what to do. Plus I emotionally blackmailed him into doing it. I told him, 'If you and Hayley want to live in this house, you gotta take over Stans affairs while he's on missions'!" Francine explained to the alien.

"Where does that leave me?" asked Roger still confused. "You and I can do whatever we want!" said Francine. "Wow! You're awesome Frannie! What do you want to do? Go around and pretend to be widows again? Always up for that!" said Roger.

"No, no. Not after that last time we found out what a tradegy being a widow really is. Don't you have a Youtube channel?" asked Francine. "I sure do." said Roger. Francine tells Roger, "Follow me!"

Roger follows Francine who leads him into the garage. Roger sees the garage turned into a studio just for him.

" this for me!" squealed Roger. "Yes I did! You didn't need to be burdened with sensless responsibilities Stan throws on you." says Francine.

"You are so kick ass, Frannie Fannie! You're more cooler than Amy Poehler in Mean Girls!" Roger exclaims. "Figured you deserve to have some fun." said Francine. "Say, would you like to be in one of my videos?" asks Roger. "No, that's fine. I don't want to expose myself. Already been there done that! With television, being a groupie, then doing a stint in the joint. You get the idea." said Francine who then asks, "What videos are you going to be making?"

"I'm thinking of doing a remake of Rescue 911." said Roger.

"Wow! Sounds like fun! Now I'm going to go gambling and then to a night club with my gal pals!" said Francine. "All right! Get lots of rip roaring drunk for me!" said Roger.

As Francine goes out with her friends, Roger comes up with something for his video. "Just need some dumb shits who'll agree to do this......"

Steve walks into the garage. "Hey, Roger. Making some Youtube videos?"

Roger thinks to himself, "BINGPOT!" Then Roger tells Steve, "Get Snot, Barry, and Toshi over here!"

"Really why?" asked Steve.

"Gonna make stars out of you!" Roger said.

Steve agrees, "Stars! Huh? Will it get me some chicks? Let me go get my friends!" Steve runs out of the garage to invite Barry, Snot, and Toshi to be on Roger's Youtube videos. A banging noise is heard, Roger walks up to an old locker and opens it. Inside it's William Shatner bound and gagged.

"Face it, William! You're all washed up! You has-been bastard! Typecast asswipe! I'm keeping you in here until you agree to retire!" Roger tells the legendary actor.

"Hmmmm! MMMMM! MMMMMM!!!!" William Shatner gruffed through his gag.

"I'm going to be the new Rescue 911 host! Live with it!" Roger shouted slamming the locker shut.

Leading Steve and his friends to a forrest, Roger says, "This is where we're going to film."

"What are we going to film? A music video?" asked Snot. "We already have done that when we were in that band B12, remember?" Toshi said in Japanese.

"Say, I know! Let's do a Disney Sitcom like Sunny With A Chance." suggested Barry.

Steve speaks, "No, we should let Roger decide what he's going to do."

Roger says, "Yes, you're correct, Steve. This is my project nonetheless. You all are going to be in my Rescue 911 remake!"

"Huh? Never heard of Rescue 911." said Snot. "What is it exactly?" asked Barry. Roger was shocked, "WHAT?! You all never heard of Rescue 911?"

"Think I might've heard my Dad talk about it once to his CIA Co-Workers." said Steve. Roger explains, "Rescue 911 was a show in the late 80's and early 90's where people act out real life emergency events. That lead to people calling 911. Based on true stories. Much like those Made For TV Movies on Hallmark and Lifetime." Snot, Barry, and Toshi were still confused.

"William Shatner was the host." Roger spat out, rolling his eyes. "Oh yes. That's right. Now I know." Barry, Toshi, and Snot all say together.

Roger scoffed, "Hmmm. Mention William Shatner to geeks, they suddenly know everything."

Steve takes a wacky guess, "In this video, do you want us to act out an emergency?" "That's why I called your asses out here! Of course that's what I want you all to do!" Roger said.

"All right!" "Okay!" "Count me in!" Steve, Barry, and Snot all say. Toshi says, "We need somebody to be the victim. It's not going to be me."

Roger gets his iphone to film Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi in the forest. "Are you going to do a forest fire? That sounds like fun." said Barry. "Nope! Just walk around the forrest like you guys would normally do. While I be the host." Roger said.

Roger's Rescue 911 remake was underway as he filmed Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi until Barry asks, "What will be the emergency?" "One will come to you! I will decide when that will happen. Now shut up!" Roger shouted at Barry.


The Rescue 911 graphics Roger makes appear on his video. Roger was sitting on a tree in the forrest. "Hello and greetings out there in internet land. Welcome to Rescue 911. I'm your host LeVar Weaton. Today we're going to Langley Falls Virginia. Where we will see some teenage boys get themselves into a steaming pile of shitty ass trouble!"

Roger pans the iphone on Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi. Roger narrates, "These four high school freshmen are just taking a nice walk in the forrest."

"Got all my homework done. Now is time to breathe some fresh air!" said Steve. "Isn't nature great?" asked Snot. "Animals are great too! Greg Gutfeld says so!" said Barry.

"Just hope this guy who's filming this hasn't put booby traps all around here." Toshi said feeling a little paranoid. "They have no idea of what danger awaits them." Roger said narratting.

Snot asks his friends, "Has anyone ever heard that Peter Gabriel song Games Without Frontiers?" Steve answers, "I have. My Dad has played it in the radio in his SUV."

"I know that song, too. What're they saying in that weird chrous in the song? Sounds like Soup On Sale Today!" Barry joins the conversation. "That's French you dumbass. It's supposed to be singing Games Without Frontiers in French!" Toshi tells Barry. "When I first heard it, I thought they were saying She's So Popular!" said Snot.

Steve laughs, "Sure sounded like that!" Then Steve gets distracted when he, Snot, Barry, and Toshi sees a tall tree with a rope hanging down. Roger sneaks up to Steve, "Tell Barry to climb that rope." Steve whispers, "Why would I want to do that for?" "That is going to be our big emergency!" Roger whispers. "OKay." said Steve.

"Wow! Look at that rope!" said Steve. "It's almost as tall as the tree." said Snot. "Was this how David Carradine killed himself?" Barry asked. "Sort of. Yeah, sort of." said Toshi.

"Anyone want to climb it?" asked Steve. "No way. Not me." said Snot. "You won't get me to climb that! Not even with my ninja climbing skills!" said Toshi. "How about you, Barry?" asked Steve. "Looks way to big." said Barry with hesitence.

"Uhhh, there could be some treasure up there." said Snot. "Yes Barry. Maybe there's leprechauns up there! Like Lucky from Lucky Charms." Steve said.

"Really!" shouted Barry getting all excited. Roger narrates, "Some friends they are to that fat kid, huh? Making him think there's treasure and leprechauns. What teenage boy believes in leprechauns anymore?" "Yes, climb to the top, Barry!" said Snot. "You'll be just like those kids in that movie The War where they climbed a water tower." said Steve.

Barry tries to give it some thought, "Well, I do like that movie. If you all really want to me climb it. So I shall!" Steve, Snot, and Toshi clap for him. "Give it your all!" said Steve. "It may not be a rope ladder at gym but climbing that rope on this tree will be paradise compared to that!" said Snot.

"You know how much I hate rope ladders. Top of the tree, here I come!" Barry said with confidence.

Roger speaks into his iphone, "Wow! Talk about peer pressure. Now watch as we are abot to witness to see a tragedy unfold!"

Barry used the rope to climb to the top of the tree. "You can do it, Barry!" Steve shouted. "Think of the gold!" said Snot. "He's the only one dumb enough to fall for this!" said Toshi.

Almost to the top of the tree, Barry sees a birds nest and tries to reach it. "Think I made it, guys! I see the treasure! But not leprechauns so far and......."

Barry is about to let go of the rope. "Just keep holding onto the rope! Don't let go!" Steve calls out to his friend. "I can do this! I can! Just a few....more....inches....." Barry struggles to reach the birds nest thinking it was treasure. "Please be careful...." Snot begs. Not before long, the rope snaps from above and Barry falls down to the ground. Falling into a hole filled with leaves and broken branches.

"OH NO! BARRY!" Steve said. "He's tumbling down! This is just like that Sonic Comic book issue 47!" screamed Snot fearfully. "See what can happen kids? Never let your friends climb a tree and convince them there's a treasure!" Roger said.

Barry hit the ground, but instead of falling flat, Barry lands on a pile of leaves and sticks and falls into a large hole. Toshi shouts, "We're out in the middle of nowhere! And we have no means of communication!"

Roger narrates, "Wow! Now this is a turn of events, folks! Barry climbed to the top of the tree. Then the rope snapped and he fell. Then a hole just happens to be there! What will Steve, Snot, and Toshi do now?"

Steve calls into the hole in which Barry had fallen, "Barry! Can you hear me!" Snot does the same, "Please Barry! Talk to us!" Toshi said, "He's probably in a coma! Why did we agree to do this!"

"He's not answering back! Oh son of a bitch!" Steve complains. "If only we had an iphone and......that's it! Mr. Rescue 911 Host sir," Snot says to Roger. "Please call me LeVar Weaton!" Roger told Snot.

"We need to call 911!" Steve screamed. "Well why didn't you say so! This isn't called Rescue 911 for nothing!" Roger said handing Steve the iphone. Steve calls 911, "Hello, 911! A friend of ours climbed up a tree on a rope, and then fell into a hole....." Roger says, "Will there friend be saved in time or will he be dead on arrival? Stay Tuned for the dramatic results here! Only on Rescue 911!"


The Rescue 911 Graphics reappear on Roger's video. "Last time we left. Steve Smith and his friends Barry, Snot, and Toshi were taking a peaceful walk in the woods. Until the unthinkable happened. They told their friend Barry that there was treasure on top of a tree with a rope attached to it. The rope broke and down came their fat friend who has now fallen into a hole. Steve called 911 and now it's been three hours since we called."

"Three hours? What's taking them so long!" yelled Snot. "Barry needs help NOW!" said Steve. Roger tells them, "He may not be alive." "Very reassuring! Barry's parents will sue our asses in court!" Steve spits back.

"Maybe the paramedics are busy picking up coronavirus patients." said Toshi. "No way they have time for a teenage prank like this."

Steve tries to talk to Barry trapped in the hole. "Hold on there, Barry old buddy. Help is on the way." Snot said, "If you can hear us say anything!"

"Say Anything! Great 1980's movie!" Barry said. "Barry! You're alive!" said Steve. Roger said, "Yes, their friend Barry is alive. But that doesn't stop him from being trapped in the hole." Hearing some sirens in the distance, Steve said, "All right! They're here!" Snot, Toshi, and Steve run to where the sirens were heard. Steve runs out into the street and tries to stop a convoy of police cars, ambulances, and firetrucks that were on route to the forest.


A paramedic said, "We got your call as soon as we heard." "Yeah, but why so long? You should've came right away!" said Steve. "Those coronavirus victims needed our help first!" said the Paramedic. "Yes, next time show some respect for us, okay?" said a cop.

Roger said, "Good! Here comes the calvary! The Paramedics, Police, Fire officials have arrived on the scene!" Toshi points to the tree where Barry had climbed. "This was the tree. Our friend tried to climb to the top. There was a rope tied to the top and it broke, that's how our friend fell into the hole!" "This kid needs a translator! I can't understand him!" said a fireman. "Just like an episode of Lassie. However much more dramatic. When Lassie tells the townspeople Timmy was stuck in the well. Steve and his friends told the local authorities that their friend is now stuck in a hole!" said Roger.

A paramedic yells at Barry down the hole, "Are you all right?" "Never been better! I actally like it down here!" Barry said.

Steve laughs, "That's our Barry! What a joker, huh!"

"You may like it in there now, but for a while you'll wish you were back on the surface!" said a cop.

An hour has passed. Everyone in Langley Falls was gathered around to see what was causing the commotion. The fire department and the police were doing everything in ther power to get Barry out of the hole. Roger films the whole thing on his iphone. "Super cool! Just what I need to impress the tv execs I'm going to pitch this to! Over an hour now. Look how hard the firemen are working to help out a........" Roger lets out a scream as he sees Francine march in his direction.

"Frannie! What're you doing here?" Roger asked nervously. "You wanted do to a video for your Youtube channel and you pull something like this!" Francine yells at Roger.

"How did you find out about this?" asked Roger. "Any idiot can see! It's all over the local news! Greg and Terry are reporting it." Francine screeched at Roger.

Greg said, "Barry Robinson, a boy who was wanting to impress his friends. He climbs a tree and lands into a hole."

Terry said, "It may seem hopeless now. There is always a silver lining!"

Francine tells Roger, "Stan is coming home tomorrow. Once he sees what you did, he'll have your head on a platter! Way to cause outrage in our town, Roger!"

"He won't find out. Say, want to do an interview for my Rescue 911 rehash?" asked Roger. "No! I thought you were going to be something fun with your Youtube channel. I was expecting you'd go to a skate park or a college frat party or something like that!" said Francine.

Roger looks at the paramedics getting Barry out of the hole. Barry was slowly being lifted with a crane by a harness. On the verge of coming out of the hole. "See look, Francine! Barry's almost out already." Roger tries to convince the housewife.

Greg says, "Oh look! He's almost out......" Terry joins in, "Wait for it..........wait for it......."

Francine said, "He's probably going to come out dead. You just had to pull a stunt that shocks the town on your stupid ass Youtube channel! All the local authorities are fighting to save a young boy's life because of you!"

Steve says, "No, Mom. Barry is alive. This wasn't supposed to happen. Roger didn't stage this."

"Gee, I hope my Mom isn't coming, She'll bitch at me so bad," said Snot with worry. "You think your mom is bad. You obviously never meet my tiger mom!" said Toshi.

"It all happened by mistake! How were we supposed to know that if Barry climbed a tree he'll fall into a hole!" said Steve.

Barry was freed from the hole. Greg and Terry report, "He's free! He's free! Barry is free!" they both boast. Greg says, "By golly! What a dumbass kid!"

Roger tells Francine, "See? Everything turned out okay!" Barry was getting put inside an ambulance, Terry tries to interview Barry. "Please tell me in your own words, lad. Were you scared at all?"

"I gotta go to the bathroom!" Barry moaned. All the fire officals, police, newscasters, and townspeople of Langely Falls all left and went back to their lives.

Francine left to go home, "You just better pray Stan doesn't find out you were doing this shit instead of looking over his affairs." she warns Roger.


Roger was talking on his iphone. "And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. A matter of life and death. Tragedy turned into a miracle. Tune in again for another exiciting episode of Rescue 911! This is LeVar Weaton singing off!" Roger was done filming his show.

"YOU!" screamed a voice from afar.

Roger, Steve, Snot, and Toshi looked to see and it was William Shatner. Steve, Snot, and Toshi were star struck.

"William Shatner! How did you get free?" said Roger. "That blond bimbo housewife found me! Then she told me where to find you!" William Shatner explained.

"Wow! William! You were so awesome in Star Trek!" Steve said. "I've read all your Teckwar novels!" said Snot. "We need to respect his privacy!" said Toshi.

"STAY OUT OF THIS! SHIT! I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF SCI-FI GEEKS MOBBING ME ALL THE TIME!" shouted William Shatner at Steve, Snot, and Toshi who all run away back home.

Roger stands his ground, "Hollywood is always looking for remakes these days! I'm showing this Rescue 911 reboot to the tv execs whether you like it or not!"

"Oh no you don't!" William Shatner challanges Roger. "I'm going to kick you ass so hard and destroy what you filmed so it NEVER gets out into the public!" Roger said, "Wanna make somethin' of it!" "I'm the only one who can hose Rescue 911! Not anyone else! Especially NOT YOU!" William Shatner yelled in Roger's face.

Roger said, "If you want to fight for it, you can suck the cheese off my log!" "Oooooh! You're asking for it now!" William Shatner said offended. "It was from the movie Lake Placid!" Roger said as he and William Shatner fight to duke it out. The fight goes on for 15 minutes. Punches and kicks over and over. Roger reaches for his iphone before William Shatner can grab it. Roger knocked William Shatner to the ground and kicked him in the buttocks. William Shatner gets up, feels defeated, runs far away. "I WON'T FORGET THIS!!!!!!"

The next day, Roger was in Hollywood. At the NBC Studios to show them his Rescue 911 remake he had filmed. "So, tell me what you think! Could this remake be relevant?" asked Roger. A TV Exec said, "NO! Never! Looks like you staged the whole thing! Also you endangered the life of that kid. No deal! Get outta here!" Roger asks, "Wait? Television can use a Rescue 911 remake! Even in this day and age. So it can always be remembered. Who told you to reject this?" "I DID!" William Shatner appears out of nowhere. The TV Exec says, "Thanks so much for letting us know about this Mr. Shatner." William Shatner said to Roger, "See? I told you I wasn't going to let this remake become public!!" Roger leaves the NBC Studios by having William Shatner kick him in the buttocks literally. "WWWWOOOOAAAAHHHHH!!" yelped Roger as he decides to go back to Langley Falls.

Stan Smith was coming back from his mission. "Ahhh! Another great mission kicking some major ass! Thus putting the bad shitfaces in their place! Now time to come home to see that all my affairs have been taken care of!"

As he sees Stan coming home, Roger decides to take action. "I know! Jeff and I will switch places!" Jeff was in Stan's office. "Cool! I got all of Mr. S's business done! He'll be proud to call me his son in law!" Roger comes in and smacks Jeff across the face knocking him cold. Then he places Jeff in the woods where the whole 'Fat Kid trapped in a hole' scene had taken place a day before. Roger races back into Stan's study.

Stan walks into house and kisses Francine. "It's so good to see you, Stan!" said Francine. "Oh my beautiful! The same here!" Stan said. "You won't believe what happened!" said Francine. "Tell me later, I want to go check my study!" said Stan racing upstairs. He found Roger on his desk.

"Hey, Stan! I did everything while you were gone. Your taxes, paid your bills, assorted your stock portfolio, and finished that online course you were taking at the University of Pheonix!" Roger informs the CIA agent. "You're awesome Roger! Knew I can count on you!" said Stan who goes downstairs to talk to Francine. "So, what did you want to tell me?" asked Stan to Francine. "While you were away, somebody wanted to do a Rescue 911 remake on his Youtube channel!" Francine begins.

"Oh really!" said Stan. Roger listened in and was getting nervous that his plan will go to shit.

"He had Steve and his friends walk in a forest. That fat kid Barry climbed up a tree only to fall into a hidden hole!" said Francine. "My gosh! That's insane! Who did it!" Stan said getting angry.

"You'll find the culprit in the forest!" said Francine. "Not only that, the whole town was up in arms about it. Every branch of authority you can think of was there!" "Such an embarrasment! I'm kicking his ass right now!" Stan shouted storming out of the house.

"YES! I'm totally off the hook!" said Roger. Stan raced his SUV to the forest and finds Jeff there waking up from when Roger hit him. "Oh, hi Mr. S!" said Jeff.

"You bastard! You caused ruckus in the whole town while I was away! You're an embarrasment! To me! My family! This town! And the CIA! You exploited by son and endangered his friend's lives! Prepare for a beating!" Stan screamed at Jeff.

"No Mr. S! I was set up! It's not what you think!" said Jeff as Stan pounded on him. Stan punched, scratched, and kicked the crap out of Jeff. After the beating was over, Stan chased Jeff who got up to try to get away from Stan by running down the streets of Langley Falls. "What is my boss and my coworkers going to think that my son in law tried to use my son and almost kill my son's friend and film it as a Rescue 911 remake!" Stan shouted after Jeff.

"I DDDIIIDDDNNNN'TTTT DDDDDOOOO ITTTTT!" screamed Jeff being chased. "Shit! Mr. S is pissed! Now I know how the West Memphis Three must've felt!"

Francine and Roger see Stan chasing Jeff down the street. "How did that remake go?" she asked. "Not so good, Frannie! Not so good." answered Roger.

"What are you going to do for your Youtube channel now?" asked Francine. "I'll try for another remake! Of Star Search! Or maybe Solid Gold!" said Roger.

The End

The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!

Sign up to rate and review this story