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Like many of you people, I'm stuck at home too. Washington State got hit the worse with this big C.V. thingy. Since I've been home thought write some fanfics. While I was watching the Paradise PD episode Tucker Carlson Is A Huge Dick. I didn't like how Karen forced Gina to change herself into being something she wasn't. Just so she can work in her police force. Thinking it would help her get better pay. In this short fanfic, this will be a re-telling of that plot of how I thought how it should've happened.

What are you waiting for....read the fanfic already!



Paradise PD


Sargeant Gina


By: Hailey Sands



Part One:



Karen Crawford, the mayor of Paradise. Was very concerned at how women were getting paid less in their jobs. Men were getting paid more. Randall and Karen made a deal to see which gender would make better police. Men or women. Karen was worried about how Gina was getting paid less working for the Paradise PD. Randall made his own police force with just men. Karen made hers with Gina, Patty Mae, Lady Gertrude, and Kevin's car and ex-lover Karla. After making their first bust, Gina was in the newspapers about how he busted criminals by using her usual brute force.

Patty Mae: I'm very excited to be part of your police force, hon!

Lady Gertrude (glancing around): Are these the only women here in this town?

Karen (looking at the newspaper): GINA! You're an idiot!

Gina: How am I an idiot!

Karen: You just made the front page headlines at how you viciously attacked Robbie and Delbert! Are you trying to make us look bad on purpose!

Gina: That's the way I put criminals in their place! Being a savage comes natural to me!

Karen: Look! This all woman's police force I made. If you're going to work for it, you're going to have to be more civilized.

Gina (scoffs): What? Give me a break!

Karen: The more you crack skulls. We'll be no better than the men! Now that you're under my command. It's time for you to change! You have to do it so you can get paid more!

Gina: What do you mean, I have to change?

Karen: You're going to be more lady like!

Gina (rolls eyes) Who's going to teach me how to be a lady?

Anton, Karen's assistant comes skipping into the conference room.

Patty Mae: Oh boy! This is going to be like My Fair Lady, hon!

Anton: Come with me, Gina. I'm going to teach you the tricks of the trade.

Soon, an arguement breaks out between Karen and Gina.

Karen: Go with him, now.

Gina (stands up but keeps her cool): Well your royal mayor-ness. Just because you're running this preceint doesn't give you the right to force change upon people and act like you're God's gift to the universe.

Karen: How dare you talk to me that way! You're going to be more ladylike! Right now! We are going to take down criminals with love and charm.

Gina (faux pukes): Gonna be sick! (walks up to Karen): I never cared that I get paid lesser than the men. That shit never mattered to me. This feminism shit can rot in hell!

Karla: Stop fighting! Stop fighting! It reminds me of Kevin!

Karen: Well, it should make you worry. You think those men who work with respect you? They probably tell dirty jokes behind your back.

Gina: NO! I am not going to let that soy boy helper of yours turn me into some snooty uppercrust glamour queen! I'm staying as I am! Besides, don't you think you all could use somebody with my fighting skills and know how on your team. What are you trying to do? Turn me into fucking Zsa Zsa Gabor?

Karen (angered): I'm your boss and you will do what I say! That means no more hostility and beatings. Anton, take her.....

Anton: Soy Boy? What's a soy boy?

Gina (shouts at Anton): YOU ARE!

Karen: All right! I'm at my breaking point here! You think you could do better? Then YOU run the Paradise PD Woman's Police Precient.

Gina: Okay I will!

Karen steps down from the post and joins Patty Mae, Lady Gertrude, and Karla in the tables. Gina walks up to the post.

Patty Mae: Now that you're in charge. What would you like us to do hon?

Lady Gertrude: What's our first assignment?

Gina: That's all going to begin tommorow! Go home for now. Until then, meet me at the Paradise Fairgrounds at 4:00 am sharp!

Karla: Do I have to come too?

Gina: Yes, all of you! Be there!

Karen: (looked worried): Even me?

Gina: Yes you! (sneering at Karen): Obviously you! This was your idea....

Anton: Excuse me. Can I come too?

Gina: Of course you can. (evilly grins) Be sure to wear t shirts and sweat pants from the GAP!

The next morning arrives. Karen, Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, and Anton were at the Paradise Fairgrounds. They were trying to stay awake, however all of them were dead tired on the inside for having to wake up so early. They all had on t-shirts that read GAP ATHLETIC DEPT on them. The sweat pants they were wearing had the GAP symbol on them.

Anton: What does Gina have planned for us?

Lady Gertrude: She hasn't shown up yet.

Karen: Could be, she's probably testing us.

Karla (uses her senses): Here she comes. She's running to us from far away. (dumps a bunch of rifles from her car)

Karen (whines): Firearms? Oh no.

Lady Gertrude: Maybe she'll make us run in the woods like Jodie Foster in Silence of The Lambs.

Gina comes up from behind them all.

Anton: I feel her presence. Yet I don't see her.

Gina (shouting like a drill instructor): ATTENTION! ABOUT FACE!

All of them turn to Gina. She, too was wearing a GAP ATHLETIC DEPT shirt and sweat pants.

Patty Mae: Gina! So wonderful to see you, hon.

Gina: I am no longer Gina! And you will drop the 'hon'!

Karen (chuckles): You didn't want me to change you and....

Gina: ATTENTION! Now starting over. From the top! I am no longer Gina! I certainly am not 'hon'!

Lady Gertrude (nervously): What should we call you?

Gina: I'M SERGEANT!

Patty Mae: Hey, Sergeant! Did we get that right!

Karen: (choking up): Oh my. She's serious.

Gina: SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! I WILL BE THE ONE WHO'LL TRAIN YOU IN POLICE BUSINESS! YOU WILL DO EVERYTHING I TELL YOU! I'M GOING TO SHAPE YOU ALL UP! BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF LAZY WORTHLESS SACKS OF MAGGOT SHIT! IS THAT CLEAR?

Patty Mae, Karen, Anton, Karla, and Lady Gertrude: YES MA'AM SEARGEANT GINA MA'AM!

Gina: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Patty Mae, Karen, Anton, Karla, and Lady Gertrude: (louder) YES MA'AM SEARGEANT GINA MA'AM!

Gina: That's better! First, we're going to march around the fairgrounds.

Karen: I don't think I'm going to like this.

Gina: No talking while you're marching!

Karen: Yes ma'am!

Gina: Yes Ma'am what?

Karen: YES MA'AM SEARGEANT GINA MA'AM!

Gina: That's better! After we march, we'll learn to use rifles.

Anton, Lady Gertrude, Karen, Karla, and Patty Mae marched and followed Gina.

Gina: Furthermore, while you're under my scrunity, you will all build self esteem, character, courage, and most important, discipline!

Anton, Lady Gertrude, Karen, Karla, and Patty Mae (saluting Gina): YES MA'AM SEARGEANT GINA MA'AM!

Gina: At ease! For now!

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Part Two:


Gina has Karen, Anton, Lady Gertrude, and Patty Mae march alongside her. Karen and Anton can barely keep up. Lady Gertude and Patty Mae were keeping up with the momentum.

Anton (out of breath): Is she serious?

Karen: (out of breath): She's running us ragged. Putting Gina in charge was a huge mistake.

Anton: (out of breath): I've never ran like this since.....forever.

Karen: (out of breath): If Gina had agreed to be a classy woman, none of this would've happened.

Anton: (out of breath): Tell me about it.

Lady Gertrude: What are you guys complaining about?

Patty Mae: This is actually kind of fun, hon!

Lady Gertrude: Maybe Gina is right to do this.

Patty Mae: All she's doing is trying to toughen us up, hon! We all could use a little character building. Don't you think?

Gina: Everybody sing with me. (singing) This is how we're gonna train!

Anton, Karen, Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, and Karla: (singing) This is how we're gonna train!

Gina (singing): We'll mash those criminal's brains!

Anton, Karen, Lady Gertude, Patty Mae, and Karla (singing): We'll mash those criminal's brains.

Gina (singing): I'll be tough and kick some ass!

Anton, Karen, Lady Gertude, Patty Mae, and Karla (singing): I'll be tough and kick some ass!

Gina (singing): As I beat all those thugs into the grass!

Anton, Karen, Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, and Karla (singing): As I beat all those thugs into the grass!

Gina (singing): Wrestle them until they quake!

Anton, Karen, Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, Karla (singing): Wrestle them until they quake!

Gina (singing): Shake them up like Shake N Bake!

Anton, Karen, Lady Gertude, Patty Mae, Karla (singing): Shake them up like Shake N Bake!

Gina (singing): Sound off! One...two! Sound off! Three....Four! One...two...three....four....one...two...three....four!

The marching comes to a halt as Karen fell to the grass.

Karen (gasping): Sorry, I can't go on any longer!

Gina: You're holding up the march, bitch!

Karen (gasping): Gina, please! I'm not used to this much excercise!

Gina: Are you quitting on us?

Karen (gasping): Sorry I just can't go on!

Gina: Oh no you don't! Did you forget you're supposed to call me Sergeant?

Karen: No, I mean, yes, I mean!

Gina: Gonna wimp out on us, hey? Now I can see why your husband dumped you! Drop and five me 50 push ups!

Karen: Randall and I are back together! But, I don't know how to do push ups!

Gina: No excuses! I don't want to hear about your stupid ass love life! Drop and give me 50 push up!

Karen (sobbing): Yes, ma'am Sergeant Gina, ma'am!

Gina: Let this be a lesson to all of you, too!

Patty Mae: Gosh this is like Full Metal Jacket, hon!

Lady Gertrude: Only with an all female cast. But hey, at least this is better than having sex with my brother Delbert.

Anton: Just do what she says, Karen! Don't slow us down!

Gina (marchs up to Anton): Want to join her?

Anton (whimpers): No...

Gina: Too bad! You're going to! Now you drop and give me 50 push ups!

Anton and Karen tried to do push ups. Gina still screamed in their faces.

Gina: You're both pathetic! Come on! You can do better than this! One....two.....three!

Karen: Think I got this.....

Anton (struggles): Ehh! Ehh! Can't...do...it....

Karen and Anton both fall to the grass.

Gina: You wanted to be better police officers than the men? This is how you want to show them all? By being shit faced sissies? Can't even do a simple little push up?! How do you expect to be policemen if you can't do a simple excercise? Hit the showers you fucking pansies! You make me sick!

Karen: Can't you just say, police person?

Gina: SHUT UP! Political correction doesn't exist when you work for me!

Anton: You're sick? What about me? (throws up)

Gina: Want to know the reason why I am sick? YOU BOTH ARE! I think the two of you ought to take a one way trip to Namby Pamby Land and get some self confidence for you both whiny bitches!

Karen and Anton walked off to take showers. The next morning had come. This time Gina was going to train them by using rifles.

Gina: Before we do more marching, I'm going to teach you how to use rifles! You're all going to have to learn how to use firearms if you want to be policemen!

Lady Gertrude, Anton, Karen, Karla, and Patty Mae: Yes ma'am Sergeant Gina ma'am.

Gina: I can't hear you!

Lady Gertrude, Anton, Karen, Karla, and Patty Mae (louder): Yes ma'am Sergeant Gina ma'am.

Karen, Anton, Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae all grabbed their rifles.

Karla: What should we do with these?

Gina: Karla, since you're a car. You stay there and watch. Everyone got their rifles? Good! Going to get you well trained for the police force. So we can be greater than the men and kick some ASS!

Anton: This rifle is so smooth....

Lady Gertrude: If I didn't know any better I think Gina is trying to teach us...

When Anton's rifle goes off by accident, a dead duck falls onto the Paradise Fairgrounds.

Karen: Oh no! EEEEKKKKK!

Anton: Dinner! (picks up the duck)

Gina grabs the duck and throws it far.

Patty Mae: Think we better get back to training.

Karen: I know. Don't want to let her down.



________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Part Three:



Gina teaches her 'troops' how to shoot and march with the rifles she had given them.

Karen: Hope she doesn't make us go into a forest or worst yet! A jungle!

Patty Mae: Then it'll be like Platoon, hon!

Gina: All right troops. Listen up! If you want to get any police work done around here, you all need to learn how to fight! And I mean really fight! Gotta get down and dirty when it comes to stopping crime. We are going to run this women's police force my way! Not the Karen Crawford standards! You don't fight crime with (mocking voice) peace, love, or understanding. (normal voice) You gotta give to the criminals what is coming to them! Their comeuppance! Then beat them senseless! Now! Stand tall!

Anton, Patty Mae, Karen, and Lady Gertrude all stand at attention.

Gina: Get your rifles. Right shoulder, arm! Left shoulder, arm! Forward march!

Patty Mae and Lady Gertrude were marching in a different direction than Karen and Anton were. Karla drove away.

Karla: That's it! I'm going back to the monster truck rally.

Anton: Oh no! Where is everybody?

Karen: They're way far away from us.

Anton: If Gina notices we'll never hear the end of it.

Karen: How do we catch back up to them? Got any ideas?

Anton: I know! Let's skip our way back!

Karen: All right. If you insist.

Anton and Karen skipped their way back to where Gina was leading a march with Lady Gertrude and Patty Mae. This gets Gina's attention in a bad way. She thought Anton and Karen were screwing around.

Gina: What the fuck is this!

Karen: Uhhh, we got separated from everyone else.....

Gina: What do you two think this is? A game of hopscotch? Now go get your asses back to the middle of Fairgrounds.

Anton (giggles): She thought we were playing hopscotch.

Gina: I swear! You two are a couple of Gomer Pyle clones!

Karen and Anton meet Gina at the middle of the Fairgrounds where they finally caught up with Lady Gertrude and Patty Mae.

Lady Gertrude: You guys okay?

Karen: Just got taken apart for a while.

Patty Mae: Yeah, we saw hon. Just don't make Gina any more angry.

Gina: Now, where were we! Company halt! About face! Fall in on that line!

Lady Gertrude, Anton, Patty Mae, and Karen all stood.

Gina: Left shoulder arms! Right shoulder arms!

Karen and Anton messed up the moves that Gina instructed to them. Lady Gertrude and Patty Mae were doing the moves correctly.

Gina: STOP! You're not doing that right!

Karen: Yes I am. You said left then right.

Anton: Then the shoulder this and the...

Gina: ENOUGH! Gosh you two are so impossible!

Karen: Why? Because we don't want to resort to unnecessary roughness?

Anton: Are you trying to turn us into you?

Gina: Anymore nonsense from you two and you're both gone! Vamoose! Banished! I'm going to teach all of you twat waffles how to be violent and crazy whether you like it or not! Now hold out those rifles!

Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, Karen, and Anton all held out the rifles.

Gina: Twirl the rifles around.

Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, Karen, and Anton all twirled the rifles.

Gina: Now! Throw the rifles in the air and catch them!

Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, Karen, and Anton threw the rifles and caught them.

Anton: I did it!

Karen: So did I!

Gina: Now here comes the fun part! Right shoulder arms! Left shoulder arms! Right shoulder arms again! Left shoulder arms! Present arms! Left shoulder arms! Right shoulder arms. Throw it in the air. Twirl it!

Karen, Lady Gertrude, and Patty Mae were getting the rifle moves right. Anton was grabbing his rifle continously, and danced around with his rifle in a comedic sense.

Gina: HALT! ATTENTION! (walks up to Anton): What the hell are you doing?

Anton: Uhhh, what you're telling me to do with the rifle?

Gina (takes Anton's rifle) Guess I'll have to show you how it's done. Left shoulder arms! (puts rifle on her left shoulder) Right shoulder arms! (puts rifle on her right shoulder).

Giving back the rifle to Anton he takes it.

Gina: Now, do what I did. Left shoulder arms! Right shoulder arms!

Anton does the rifle moves Gina told him and did not mess up.

Gina: Guess all this hard training it beginning to pay off. Tomorrow, we're going to stop some crime and you will all show those criminals everything I taught you! At ease!

Karen, Lady Gertrude, and Patty Mae all clapped from Anton.

Patty Mae: Those men are going to be so surprised hon!

The next day, Randall, Dusty, Stanley, Bullet, and Kevin who was now Kev Man were in the middle of the town of Paradise watching Kev Man in action. Then in another police car, Gina, Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, Anton, and Karen all come out of it.

Bullet: Hey, look Randall! It's the all female police department!

Randall: Karen! How are you and your girls doing? (laughs)

Gina: Okay this is it. Go out there and nab that jaywalker. Use all the techniques that you learned from me! Move move move move move move!

Dusty: This ought to be fun.

Stanley: I wanna see too!

Randall, Dusty, Bullet, and Stanley all watch as Lady Gertrude, Patty Mae, Anton and Karen all ran up to the jaywalker. Gina stayed behind in the car.

Karen: (waves to Randall): We're doing just fine!

Randall: Whatever! I'll see it to believe it!

Gina: That's right. That's right. Doing good so far!

Once Karen, Lady Gertrude, Anton, and Patty Mae came up to the jaywalker. They were all nice to him and showing him love.

Jaywalker: Uhhh, what're you all doing? Whatever it is, keep it up I like it.

Karen: You need love.

Lady Gertrude: And someone who understands.

Anton: You don't need to do this.

Patty Mae: You're never alone if you have Christ.

Gina (smashing her fist through the police car): WHAT THE FUCK! DID YOU FORGET EVERYTHING I TAUGHT YOU!

Karen: Sorry Gina. It's just not in our nature to be merciless.

Patty Mae: This is a better way to stop crime, mon.

Anton: With LOVE!

Lady Gerturde: Allow us to guide you.

The Jaywalker was being lead to the church by Lady Gertrude. Randall, Bullet, Dusty, and Stanley all laugh. Even Kev Man stops to laugh.

Gina (growls) TTTHHHHATTTTT'SSSS IIIITTTT! CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED ALL MY TIME WITH YOU SORRY ASS PRISSY LITTLE CUNTS! I'M DONE WITH POLICE WORK! If anyone needs me I'll be at Hooters!


______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Hooters stint only lasted two days. That was until Gina agreed to come back to the Paradise PD after she had taken down Kev Man. As it turned out, Kev Man was hopped up on testosterone patches in his brain and went back to normal. With Randall nearby agreeing never to do another 'Battle of the Sexes' thing ever again. Gina and Karen both admitted they were wrong in the way Karen wanted to change Gina, and how Gina tried to change Karen and all the other women in Paradise. Gina and Karen had learned a valuable lesson to accept people who are set in their ways. Who will probably never change.

In no time at all, everything was back to normal in the town of Paradise. Randall couldn't be more prouder to have Karen back to being a mayor. Plus to have Bullet, Stanley, Dusty, Gina, Kevin, and to a lesser extent Fitz to all be working for Randall again.



The End.