Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

The Road To Paradise

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

Stewie starts his own wallpaper hanging business. Brian, Meg, and Chris come with him. The place they do business is a Southern Town called Paradise in this crossover of Family Guy and Paradise PD.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: R - Genres: Crossover - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2020-07-31 - 6906 words - Complete

Family Guy and Paradise PD

Fanfic Title:

The Road to Paradise

By: Trenton Sands

Opening Credits:


The Family Guy theme plays a jazzy remix of both the Family Guy theme song and the Paradise PD theme song. The credits show Brian, Stewie, and Chris dressed as policemen spoofing scenes from movies such as Dirty Harry, The French Connection, and Serpico. Some scenes show Meg getting chased by Gina Jabowski after trying to seduce Dusty Marlowe. Added some scenes with Brian partying with Bullet, as Stewie watches him looking rejected. Then it shows a scene where Randall pounds on his desk giving Brian, Stewie, and Chris orders. Stanley was sleeping in the background. Then the credits end as it shows Brian, Stewie, and Chris being chased out of a building by a gorilla with Robbie and Delbert in the background.

Scene 1:

Stewie was pacing around in his bedroom. As if he were waiting for something. Brian walks in looking all concerned. As does Chris.

Brian: Stewie, you've been pacing back and forth for over a half of an hour.

Chris: Yeah, what's the matter, little dude?

Stewie: (pacing around): Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Chris: He seems to be waiting for something.

Brian: I know. What exactly, who knows?

Stewie (stops): I'm just waiting for Lois and the Fatman to leave! They're taking forever!

Brian: Why do you want them go?

Stewie (shouted): I'll say it to you when they've finally left!

Downstairs, Lois was ready to go out somewhere and Peter was on the couch watching his laptop.

Lois: Peter, please. Get on the ball! We're going to be late for my parent's brunch!

Peter: Does it have to be now!

Lois: Yeah it does. We don't want to be late. My parents hate it when people are late for their shindigs!

Peter: You go yourself! I wanna stay here!

Lois: What do you have to do that's so important?

Peter (putting his laptop on his lap): I want to watch Laurel and Hardy Meet Godzilla!

Lois (shocked and mad): WHAT?! Laurel and Hardy never made a movie where they meet Godzilla! That sounds beyond all quanities of insane!

Peter: Well, I knew that. In fact, I invented it! You'll be surprised at what Go Animate can do!

Lois yanks Peter's laptop away from him and drags him to the door.

Peter: Hey, what gives, Lois!

Lois: You make me so mad sometimes. Haven't made me this angry since you cloned yourself when you were in that Wild World Of Batwoman movie!


In the scene of Wild World of Batwoman, it shows Peter as Rat Fink. As Batwoman and all of the women crimefighters on her side were watching Peter clones himself in confusion.

Peter (appears out of nowhere): I'm over here! (disappears and reappears) Now I'm over here! (disappears and reappears) Or maybe I'm over there! hee hee hee hee hee! (disappears and reappears) I'm here! Now I'm there! Now I'm everywhere!

Batwoman: Get him girls!

Then the women who helped Batwoman chased all the Peter Cl1s and tried to beat them all up. As a song played that sounded like hippy honky tonk.

Peter (laughs): Is this a wild goose chase or what?! They'll never find the real me!

[End of Cutaway]

Lois was dragging Peter out the door who was kicking and screaming. Stewie runs out of his bedroom to see if they had departed.

Stewie: Yes! Good! They're leaving.

Peter (whiny): But I don't wanna go to brunch.....

Lois: Watch your silly video later, asshole!

Peter and Lois drive away to her parent's brunch. Stewie runs back to his bedroom.

Brian: So did they leave?

Stewie: Yes they did!

Chris: What's this thing you want to tell us?

Stewie: I have some spendid news. I just opened my very own wallpaper hanger business!

Chris: Is that even a thing?

Brian: Chris is right, I don't think people hang wallpapers anymore.

Stewie: That's where you're wrong. I got a customer. Only one problem.

Chris: Where is this customer?

Stewie: In a town in the state of Georgia called Paradise.

Brian: Seems like it could be a very fun endevour, Stewie. We haven't had a Road To adventure in a while.

Stewie: It will be, Brian. So, how do we get to Georgia though?

Brian: That's easy. I heard Quagmire is flying a plane there. We'll stow away.

Chris: Oh boy! Hey can I come too!

Stewie: Sure you can! Let's all go!

Brian: Peter and Lois are at Carter's brunch so yes! Georgia on My Mind!

Meg enters.

Chris: Awww, my excitement vibes have g1 down several notches.

Meg: You guys planning a trip? I want to go too.

Brian: Yes, we're going to Paradise Georgia. You're more than welcome to come....

Stewie: Just walk behind us...... about say......50 feet away from us, though.

Chris: Come on people! What are we waiting for! Gerogia awaits! Can't wait to eat those peaches!

Brian drives Stewie, Chris, and Meg to the Quahog Airport to sneak aboard Quagmire's flight that was headed to Georgia. Stewie was excited that his wallpaper hanger business was up and running.

Scene 2:

Stewie was able to sneak aboard the cargo hold of the plane. Meg however had to stay with hyenas. Who were trying to snap at her.


Brian: Who's this person who in Paradise who wants you to hang wallpaper?

Stewie: He's a Police Chief named Randall Crawford.

Chris: That sounds like the name of a bread.

Stewie: Isn't this great, Brian. Sneaking away on a plane!

Brian: Don't really feel right doing this.......what if Quagmire finds out?

Stewie: No worries. He won't. Guess you can say we're 'Up In The Air'!


An airplane flies out of an airport as a movie trailer voice says, "Want to see George Clooney in a movie that will soon be forgotten? Then you want to see Up In The Air!"

George Clooney (watching out an airplane window looking devestated): Why did I agree to be in this piece of shit, movie!

Jason Reitman (scolding): Just be lucky you got this gig! It was either this The Hurt Locker, or 2012.

Geroge Clooney (sighs): Okay all right! You win.....

Jason Reitman: Thought you'd see it my way!

[End of Cutaway]

Quagmire (over speaker): We should be reaching our destination, Paradise Georgia in about 45 minutes.

Chris: Good thing I brought some Penthouse magazines for us to pass the time.

Brian: Cool, bring one here.

Stewie: I want to see.

Looking through the Penthouse Magazines, Stewie comes across a letter written by someone called 'Captain Stabbin'!

Stewie: I found a fan letter from Captain Stabbin! Did you have anything to do with this, Brian?

Brian (taking the magazine away); Don't look at that letter! That was a different time! When I was young and immature! I am not that person anymore!

Chris: You mean, not that dog anymore! (snickers) Captain Stabbin.

Brian (taking all the magazines away): Know what? This was a bad idea to skim through these in the first place. Direct your focus on this wallpaper hanger business of yours, Stewie.

Stewie: Perhaps you're right. Until then let's enjoy the sights.

Scene 3:

The plane was making it's landing into Paradise Georgia. When it ended and everyone on board got off, Brian rented a car and drove around the town. Stewie, Chris, Meg, and Brian were far from impressed at the sights of the small city. Passing them by was the Paradise VHS place.

Stewie: A video rental place? You never see those anymore.

Chris: (looks all around): Wow! Take a look at that, that is the biggest Dippin' Dots building I've ever seen!

Meg: Hope there's at least a mall here! Oh, a Red Lobster!

Brian: We just need to find this police building.

Around them, Brian, Chris, Stewie, and Meg all see prostitutes, drug dealers, and murder surrounding them. Other places in Paradise as well. Such as the Pentacoastal Church, 24 hour Copying, Banzai Butthole Cleaners, Buy the Book Bookstore, Panda Express, Paradise City Hall, Goopy Goopers, You Store it Some, and Possum Pizza.

Brian (scoffs): Gosh those churches.

Stewie: It's the South, Brian. Religion is really big here!

Meg: Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come here.

Brian: Makes you wonder if these police are enabling crime rather than stopping it.

Stewie: If this is the only place that we can do business with my company.

Chris: This place is trashy. Like Santa Ana California that city from The Lost Boys.

Brian: Point taken, Chris. Haven't had this feeling of glum since we saw Peter and Lois drunkenly crash that horse race.


Peter and Lois were riding on horses. Drunken five ways to Sunday.

Announcer: What in the fuck is this shit! It appears to be an alcoholic couple who think they're Roy Rogers and Dale Evans!

Peter and Lois (sing drunkenly): Happy Trails To You! Until We Meet Again! Happy Trails To You! (cracking up) Keep Smiling Until Then! Who cares about the clouds when we're together! Just sing a song to bring the sunny weather! Happy Trails To You! Until We Meet Again!

[End of Cutaway]

Stewie (looks at the screen): That wasn't very up to par! Espeically for a cutaway!

Brian has finally arrived at the Paradise PD Police Station. Inside Randall Crawford was giving a case for them to solve.

Randall: All right, listen up everyone! There's a gorilla on the loose that is robbing banks! I need all of you to go out there and stop it!

Dusty: Gorilla? Do you want us to kill the gorilla? Like Harambe?

Randall: Yes you do need to kill this gorilla!

Kevin: But, Dad! Maybe the gorilla is under a bad influence!

Gina: Put me on the case! I'll be more than happy to kick it's ass into the depths of hell!

Stanley: Gorillas hey? Maybe it's Fitz! Could be he turned into one when he got away from us!

Randall: No. No. No. It's not that!

Bullet: I know! Me and my All Dogs Go To Heaven can get that gorilla! That'll stop it in it's tracks!

A knock is heard.

Randall: I'll get it.

Answering the door, it's Brian, Stewie, Chris, and Meg.

Randall: Oh it's you guys. The wallpaper hangers I hired.

Stewie: Yes it is us. Wallpaper hangers.

Brian: Where do you need the wallpaper hung?

Randall: You can start in the holding cell area. (looks at Meg): Hmmmm. Thought there was three of you. Why is there four?

Chris: Don't mind her. We had to take her along with us.

Brian: Yes we had no other choice.

Stewie: Trust us. She was here because of an inconvience!

Randall: You three are cool. (To Meg): But you, get the fuck outta here!

Meg runs away crying. Randall leads Chris, Brian, and Stewie to the holding cells. On the way there, Stewie look at Stanley.

Stewie: Let me guess. He's the Herbert of your show.

Randall: No he's bisexual. His stories about having sexual encounters with old Hollywood celebrities are enough to make anyone barf!

Brian (sees Bullet): You guys have a talking dog here? Bet he'll be fun!

Randall: If you're into drugs you'll have a good time with him!

Chris (sees the Paradise PD officers): Do you guys have a black guy working for you?

Randall: We used to....but that's another story.

Stanley: A baby, hey? I had a love child once with the legendary Hal Roach!

Randall: You can get your work done right here, final stop! Holding cells!

Bullet (approaches Brian): When you're through with your work, I can show you the time of your life.

Brian (to Bullet and shakes his hand): It's a deal!

Randall: Less talk more work! Get to it!

Chris, Stewie, and Brian proceed to hang up wallpaper as Randall goes back to the conference room.

Scene 4:

Randall talks more about the Gorilla Bank Robbery Case. Hoping his officers will go out there to stop it.

Bullet: So, any takers! Anyone? Anyone? Going once....going twice....

Randall (points to Kevin): You go out there! You're the one who wants to be a cop so fucking bad!

Kevin: Ehhh, maybe I'll just go help Mom with her mayoral duties!

Randall: I hate you, Kevin! Useless son of a bitch! Stanley! Get your wrinkled ass out there and stop the gorilla.

Stanley: (snores loudly)

Randall: DAMMIT! Gina? Dusty?

One by One, the officers ditch Randall and Bullet.

Gina: I gotta go compete in a Karate Tournament!

Dusty: I need the day off too! It's Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

Kevin, Gina, and Dusty all exit the conference room. Leaving Randall and Bullet behind.

Randall: What the hell! Why doesn't anyone want in on this case?

Bullet: Looks like it's just you and me, Randall.

Randall: This is the best case ever and everyone turns it down! (pounds fist): SSSHHHHIIIITTTTT!

Bullet: You know there is another option....

Randall: Oh really? What?

Bullet: Those wallpaper hangers....

Randall: You insane? They don't have any police experience!

Bullet: Yes, I know. But just suppose.....

In the holding cells, Stewie gives out the orders. Amoung them was a bunch of wallpaper hanger equipement and wallpaper they had brought along.

Stewie: Okay wallpaper hangers! This is my company and I call the shots!

Chris: Meaning?

Stewie: I give the orders around here.

Brian: We got everything we need. Bucket of water, some wallpaper paste. The wallpaper itself.

Chris (laughs at the tube of wallpaper paste): This stuff is called Mod Podge! (laughs) Does that mean anything dirty? It could be a new swear word! (cracks up)

Stewie (slaps away the tube): Enough now! Stop joking around and get to work!

Scene 5:

Chris, Brian, and Stewie were hanging up the wallpaper in the holding cells. Blur's There's No Other Way was playing thoughout. Chris and Brian hang some wallpaper and looked to Stewie for approval. Stewie shakes his head, "NO." Chris and Brian try again, hang the wallpaper around the celldoor. Stewie gives them both the stink eye. Chris and Brian then try to hang the wallpaper in a way where Stewie will approve. Chris and Brian try to put the wallpaper up vertically. Stewie jumps up and down and screams. Chris and Brian put five strips of wallpaper. Then they see that Stewie was nowhere to be seen. Chris points at a huge lump in the wallpaper that turns out to be Stewie. Freeing Stewie from the wallpaper, Stewie punches and kicks both Brian and Chris. Stewie then tries to do the task, so he puts some wallpaper up himself. Looking proud at the job he did, the wallpaper falls on Stewie then he takes a stumble backwards and falls into a hole.

Song ends.

Brian: Oh no! Stewie! We gotta find him.

Chris: Where is he?

Stewie: Down here you assholes!

Brian and Chris take notice of the hole and see Stewie was in a room below.

Stewie: Come here!

Brian and Chris: Which one of us?

Stewie: BOTH OF YOU!

Chris and Brian jump down the hole to face Stewie's wrath.

Brian: Okay we're here. Now what?

Stewie: Can't you guys do anything right? How hard could it be to put up wallpaper!

Brian, Chris, and Stewie then have a huge verbal arguement that made a lot of commotion. Stewie then starts hitting and slapping Chris and Brian.

Stewie: What the fuck is wrong with you two! Do you both realize that I have a reputation to uphold! What are people going to think about my wallpaper hanging business if I have two incompetant workers helping me.

Chris: We'll do better next time. We promise.

Brian: Wow! Stewie's temper is astounding. Almost as stupifying as Charlie Sheen's Political Ad!


The scene changes into the Oval office. Charlie Sheen is sitting in the President's seat. A bunch of kids were sitting on around him.

Charlie Sheen: You see kids. When you take Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA. Mix them together. You just get this wonderful feeling of Duh Winning that just makes you feel so good!

Shows close ups of the kids.

Chrous: Feeling good about that Tiger Blood! And that good old fashioned Adonis DNA, and Duh Winning! I'm feeling good about Sheen!

Voiceover: Charlie Sheen! Don't vote for him! He's all fucked up!

[End Cutaway]

Randall hears Chris, Brian, and Stewie fighting. Bullet rushes into the holding cells.

Bullet: Hey! What the fuck is all that noise.

Stewie (points to Brian and Chris): They were doing a half assed job.

Brian: Yeah, well you started it by acting like a son of bitch.

Chris: If you're going to arrest one of us. Arrest Stewie! I saw him! Stewie has the money right in his hand!

Bullet (laughs): Relax! You're not under arrest. Randall Crawford wishes to see you.

Brian, Stewie, and Chris follow Bullet to meet with Randall in his police conference room.

Randall: Did you guys do a good job with the wallpaper.

Brian, Chris, and Stewie all agree to lie.

Chris: You won't believe your eyes when you see it.

Randall: Good! The reason I called you all here is because all my officers quit on me.

Stewie: I know how you feel. You can't hire any good work these days.

Randall: Glad we're on the same page. There is a gorilla on the loose! He's called the Ape Man! Now what I want you three to do is to do some police work for me.

Brian: You want us to catch that Ape Man?

Bullet puts walnuts on Randall's desk.

Randall: Yes you trio will do it! You've all got to catch that Ape Man! If you don't, I'll have you.....(crushes the nuts with his fist) banned from Paradise forever!

Chris, Stewie, and Brian: Don't worry! We'll catch the Ape Man!

Randall: Good! Throw your asses out there, and bring the Ape Man to me! We can't have an Ape Man running around robbing banks because something (crushes more nuts with his fists) has got to be done.

Brian is handed guns for Stewie, Chris, and himself by Randall.

Randall: Use these wisely! You're gonna need them!

Bullet (leaves with Randall): We expect to see results. Report back to us when you captured him.

Stewie: Wow. We just got thrown into police work.

Brian: Well, we don't want to let them down.

Chris: What about our wallpaper hanging? (eating the shells then drinking water)

Stewie: We'll have to let that go. For now.

Brian: We should scope out all the banks in this town. And see if anyone here knows about this infamous Ape Man. A phone call rings. Stewie answers it.

Stewie: Hello? The Ape Man is where? A store? We'll be right there!

Brian: We got our first lead!

Stewie, Brian, and Chris all leave the Paradise PD Police Precient to go into their rented car to search for the Ape Man.

Scene 6:

Meg was walking all over the town of Paradise. Alone. She didn't know what to do.

Hobo Cop: Hey, girl! You want to take a Holy Shit with me? (holds a Bible in front of her)

Meg: No thanks. (walks away from Hobo Cop) GROANS I hate it here! I wanna back to Quahog! What is there to do here? Why did I even agree to come!

Luck was on her side, Meg sees Dusty inside the Red Lobster pigging out on seafood.

Meg: Poor guy. He looks so lonely. Just like how that construction worker action figure called Fire Easy Man must've felt when Stewie threw it in the river!


A construction worker figurine was sinking deep into the water.

Fire Easy Man (singing): My name is Fire Easy Man! I work so hard everyday! BUT! A naughty little baby! Threw me into the water at Quahog Pier! Now I'm swimming everyday! gulp gulp gulp gulp

{End Cutaway]

Meg enters the Red Lobster to join Dusty. A host tries to stop her.

Host: Excuse me. Do you have a reservation?

Meg: Yes, I'm joining that man over there. (points to Dusty)

Host: OKay you're good.

Meg joins Dusty at his table.

Dusty: Uhhhh, hello? Never seen you before.

Meg (seductively): Hi, handsome! Where have you been all my life.

Dusty then has a thought bubble come to his mind. Gina appears in the thought bubble.

Gina: Dusty! If you're in any kind of trouble, let me know.

Although Dusty knew Gina wanted him to sexual purposes to feed in on her fat fetish. Gina was also a reliable friend for whenever Dusty needed her.

Meg: Wow! You're so quiet! You don't talk much, do you?

Dusty: Oops! I'm sorry! Where are my manners! I'm Dusty Marlowe. And you are....

Meg: Meg Griffin.

Dusty: Sorry I'm not good with meeting new people.

Because he never meet her before. Dusty knew not to trust Meg. So he downplayed himself for her benefit. Meg and Dusty hit it off. Meanwhile, Brian, Stewie, and Chris were driving to their first lead. A grocery store. Running inside the store, Brian, Stewie, and Chris see both the customers and the employees paralyzed with fear.

Brian: Uhhh, hello.


Stewie: Can any of you help us?

Cold dead silence.....

Chris: Do any of you know about an Ape Man?

It went from silence to panicked screams.

Brian: Wow! These poor people must be scared shitless of that Ape Man.

Chris: Just a mere mention of the Ape Man sent every1 into a frenzy.

Stewie: You said it. I haven't felt this disturbed when Brian showed me that Little Debbie commercial on Youtube.


In the living room, Brain walks in with a laptop. Stewie was sitting on the couch.

Brian (laughs); Hey Stewie? Want to see an unsual Little Debbie commercial?

Stewie: Okay, sure. Play it! I'm in the mood for a laugh!

Brian plays the commercial on his laptop. The song on the commercial plays to the tune of the I Love You Too song while showing an assortment of scenes with villains rescuing their henchmen. First it shown Lex Luthor saving his secretary Mercy Graves from being tied to a sawblade. The song plays, "Villains rescuing their helpers!" The second scene shows The Joker unlocking the Penguin who was stuck in a cage. The song continues, "From being captured by the heroes." The third scene shows Shredder saving Bebop and Rocksteady from hanging off a cliff. The song continues, "Getting their asses kicked!" The final scene shows Baron Greenback saving Stilleto Mafiosa who was strapped to a bed. Brian and Stewie look at the commercial in disbelief as they slowly turn and look at each other not knowing what to think. The commercial ends with the song singing, "And I Love You Too!" Then shows Lex Luthor and Mercy Graves eating Zebra Cakes. Looking so lovingly at each other. While the Joker and Penguin eat Oatmeal Creme Pies giving each other friendly smiles, Shredder and Bebop and Rocksteady eating Cosmic Brownies putting his arms around their shoulders, and Baron Greenback and Stilleto Mafiosa eating Swiss Rolls while hugging.


Brian and Stewie were frozen in shock over the commercial that they had seen.

Stewie: Hmmm. Okay. Well........that was different!

[End Cutaway]

Stewie: You shouldn't have to fear anymore. We're policeman!

Chris: Yes, and we're doing an assignment for the Paradise PD!

Brian: So, please! Help us help you. If any of you know anything about the Ape Man, now is the time to say something.

Finally, one of the employees opens up to Brian, Stewie, and Chris.

Employee: Last time I saw that Ape Man, he ran into the basement!

Stewie (Three Stooges style): To The Basement!

Brian (Three Stooges style): To The Basement!

Chris (Three Stooges style): To The Basement!

Scene 7:

Brian, Stewie, and Chris all rushed down to the basement of the grocery store.

Chris: Hmmmm. If I were a gorilla, where would I hide? The banana section, maybe?

Stewie: That was a shitty half assed way to tell a joke.

None of them knew it yet, the Ape Man was right behind them!

Brian: All right, gorilla. Give yourself up! You're surrounded!

Stewie: Something is rotten in Denmark and we need to get to the bottom of it!

Chris: Oh boy! We're going to Denmark!

Stewie: We are searching for the Ape Man! And don't disturb us!

The Ape Man gruffs behind them.

Chris: Bless you Stewie.

Stewie: I didn't do that. Was it you, Brian? Sounds like when you take a shit!

Brian: No, I don't make sounds like that.

Chris: Then who made that....

Stewie, Chris, and Brian slowly turn around and they find themselves face to face with the Ape Man who roars at them. Brian, Chris, and Stewie all scream and they like their best to apprehend it any way they could. They tried to use the runs that Randall gave them, but the Ape Man used it strength to bend the barrels. Brian, Chris, and Stewie soon found themselves being chased by the Ape Man upstairs from the basement into the grocery store then chased them outside. The Ape Man runs across the street to the Possum Pizza.

Brian: We found him. But he got away from us. FUCK!

Stewie: Geez, Brian! You don't watch many police movies you do? If a suspect gets away we chase them to where ever they went off to!

Brian: You're right, Stewie. We'll go into that Chuck E Cheese's-like place.

Chris: Woah! That gorilla has the worst anger issues ever! Kind of like Dad when he got mad at me about a tattoo I got for a Halloween party!


Peter comes rushing home. Lois and Chris were in the kitchen.

Lois (disgusted): Peter! Thank god you're home. You won't believe what Chris decided to wear for the Halloween party!

Peter (angry): Oh really! Young man, you will show me this thing you want to wear to the party!

Chris (pulling up his sleeve): I just wanted to scare people Dad!

Lois: Oh he'll scare people all right! Wait until you see what it is!

Peter screeches at a tattoo that Chris had on his shoulder of Shemp Howard with his signature 'ugly' smile. Peter grabs Chris and takes him down to the laundry room.

Lois: Peter! Stop! You're hurting him!

Peter: This is not a costume! THIS IS FILTH!

Lois: Please! Calm down! Don't take it so personally!

Peter (growls at Chris): We like Curly in this house! Not Shemp!

[End Cutaway]

As Brian, Chris, and Stewie were in hot prusuit of the Ape Man. Meg was still with Dusty at the Red Lobster.

Meg: How about we go over to your place. You can take me into 'custody'. (purrs)

Dusty: I don't really want to rush things too much right now. We just meet.

Meg: Oh come on, now. Don't be shy.

Dusty (runs into the men's room) I gotta go to the little boy's room.

When Dusty runs into the men's room, that didn't stop Meg from wanting to seduce him.

Meg: You won't get away from me that easy!

Dusty: Hey! You're not supposed to be here!

Meg (holds a cup in front of Dusty): Drink this!

Dusty: No no! I don't trust it.

Meg: Go ahead. You'll go to sleep and we can make sweet sweet love!

Dusty: Oooooh! You're not going to get off my ass, are you?

Meg: Give into temptation, Dusty! You know you want it!

Dusty gets his cellphone and calls Gina.

Meg: Who are you calling, Ghostbusters? I got a Ghost that I'm going to Bust! YOU!

Dusty (on phone): Hello, Gina! There's some girl who wants to have her way with me! I'm at the Red Lobster! Please come and help me!

When Gina just got done with the Karate Tournament she entered. A pile of women she beaten all had broken bones and bloodied bruises. Gina was on her phone and agreed to help Dusty.

Gina: Never you fear, Dusty! I'll be there faster than white lightning! (hangs up phone)

Meg had Dusty cornered in the men's room.

Dusty: Oh, come on Gina, please hurry! I feel like Clint Eastwood in Play Misty For Me!

Meg makes kissy sounds and Dusty, and he was creeped out.

Dusty: When Gina gets here, you'll be sorry!

Meg: Yeah, well I don't see this Gina around....

Dusty: She's coming here soon, you will see!

Gina came crashing into the men's room.

Dusty: Gina! Thank God you made it!

Gina (armed with a night stick): Mama's home, bitches! What's the deal here?

Dusty: This girl is trying to rape me!

Gina was walking up to Meg in an intimidating way.

Meg: You stay out of this! I found him fair and square!

Gina: Stay the fuck away from my man, bitch! I'm the one who's going sexually conquer Dusty!

Dusty: And I would not want it any other way!

Gina: See? Even he agrees!

Meg (begging): I just want to feel see I'm an abused I assumed he is one himself!

Gina: That is one lame ass excuse. Coming from a piece of shit like you! (getting ready to beat Meg) Well, life's a bitch and so am I! But I had it worse! I was shot in the head and landed in a decade long coma for fucks sake!

Meg tries to charge at Gina but failed miserably. Gina then begins to beat the ever loving shit out of Meg until she bleeds. Dusty cheers and he plays the Star Trek battle song on his cellphone.

Dusty: Go Gina! Go Gina! Get her! Kick her ass! Kick her ass! (to the screen) Good thing Glenn Quagmire isn't here to see this!

Gina finished off Meg by throwing her out of the Red Lobster building and Meg landed on the streets all beaten, bloodied, and defeated. Meg gets run over by a car driven by Stanley.

Stanley: Goddamned fucking speed bumps!

Meg's body lay dormant on the road, then she is picked up by the Russian Mobster who was racing down with a motorcycle.

Russian Mobster: One girl! ha ha ha! The Kingpin will be happy to have you as a captive!

Gina checks on Dusty.

Dusty: Thank you so much.

Gina: Anytime. You okay?

Dusty: I think I will be.

Gina and Dusty walk out of the Red Lobster and back to her place. Dusty begins to cry as Gina consoles him.

Dusty (cries): I'm scarred for life! I'll never get over this.

Gina: There there. It's okay. She'll never see you again!

Scene 8:

At the Possum Pizza, The Ape Man was hidden away from Brian's, Stewie's and Chris's sight.

Stewie: FUCK! BLAST! We lost him again!

Brian: He could be hiding in front of the animontronics!

Chris then hears some voices.

Stewie: Hear something?

Chris: SSSSHHHHH. (whispers) sounds like it's coming from downstairs.

Stewie, Brian, and Chris all crept downstairs at the Possum Pizza. They see Robbie and Delbert give the Ape Man some bananas.

Robbie: Who's a good boy! Good boy for doing robberies.

Delbert: When he trained this gorilla, we can commit all the crimes we want!

Robbie: That's right! So the gorilla will take the rap for what we did.

Delbert: So our hands are clean!

Brian: Ha! Think we found the real culprits behind this.

Chris: Kind of had a feeling that gorilla wasn't so bad.

Stewie: I'm putting a stop to this, right now!

Brian: FREEZE!

Robbie and Delbert look at Brian, Stewie, and Chris.

Delbert: Who the fuck are you shitheads?

Stewie: We're new recruits from the Paradise PD!

Brian: You exploited this gorilla for your own gain!

Chris: Come quietly!

Robbie: Fuck you!

Delbert: Yeah, all the way straight up yours!

Stewie, Brian, and Chris were shocked when Robbie and Delbert aim guns at them.

Brian: Ooooh! Our guns are broken!

Stewie: We'll just pretend to have guns. Follow my lead.

Chris (nervous): Oooooh. Good luck with that!

Stewie (uses a finger gun): One phony move you Bobby Possumcods caricature! Or I'll shoot!

Robbie and Delbert laugh at them.

Delbert: We're being challanged by a baby, a dog, and a teenage boy?

Robbie: Let's shoot them where they stand!

Brian, Stewie, and Chris all duck for cover when Robbie and Delbert pulled out their guns. Lucky for them, Robbie and Delbert's guns were duds.

Chris: Guess you'll have to take us on barehanded!

Stewie: We won't go down without a fight!

Brian: GET 'EM!

A huge fight breaks out. Robbie and Delbert use wrestling moves. As Brian, Stewie, and Chris fight them off with punches, kicks, and objects they can get their hands on. Brian gets knocked on the ground.

Brian: Where did they learn to wrestle like that? From Mickey Rourke? Son of a bitch!

Stewie: We'll take it from here!

Chris and Stewie were battering and pummeling on Robbie and Delbert. Chris uses a lead pipe, and Stewie uses a golf club he found.

Stewie: How do you like us now, assholes!

Chris: Feel the wrath of my pipe, bitches!

Robbie and Delbert find themselves on the recieveing end of Chris's and Stewie's weapons. The Ape Man was getting away in the midst of the fight. Robbie and Delbert were decked and knocked cold.

Brian: Stewie! Chris! The Ape Man is getting away!


Chris: Come on! Let's go!

Brian (getting up): We haven't a moment to lose!

The Ape Man was being chased once again by Chris, Stewie, and Brian. Now the Ape Man was on his way to the Paradise City Hall.

Robbie: Who knew a baby can pack such a punch!

Delbert: It was like those ones on Baby Geniuses!

Scene 9:

Chasing The Ape Man down the street, Brian, Stewie, and Chris were out of breath but still kept the Ape Man within their sight.

Stewie: He seems to be headed for that liquor store.

Brian: Come on.

The Ape Man ran inside the liquor store and drank some nitro glycerine that was labeled as alcohol. Then the Ape Man runs out of the liquor store and heads straight to City Hall.

Chris: Oh no! He's headed for City Hall! Just like in Die Hard 3!

Inside the Paradise City Hall, Karen had Kevin go over some reports.

Karen: Read it to me, Kevin.

Kevin: OKay Mom. It says...

The Ape Man broke into the office where Karen was working and roared at both Karen and Kevin.

Karen (screams): It's like a real life KING KONG!

Kevin: That's that Ape Man that dad was after!

The Ape Man begins to smash up Karen's office, that has Kevin and Karen jump out a window. Brian, Stewie, and Chris break into the office.

Stewie: All right, Ape Man! We had just about enough of your reign of terror!

Brian: We're going to run you in!

Chris: No way! I'll be the one to kick his ass!

Brian and Stewie watch as Chris rams head on into the Ape Man's stomach until the Ape Man explodes. The explosion caused a massive amount of damage to the City Hall building. That had Karen in tears.


Kevin: Don't worry Mom. It'll be rebuilt.

Randall and Bullet come to the scene in their police car.

Bullet: Holy fuck! Did someone let an atomic fart on the City Hall building?

Randall: Karen? What happened? Who did this to the City Hall Building!

Kevin: This is like a scene from Rumble In The Bronx!

Randall sees Brian, Stewie, and Chris come out of the broken City Hall Building.

Stewie: The Ape Man did it, Randall!

Brian: Yeah and we kicked his ass good!

Chris: What do you mean we? I got him! (holds the Ape Man's head and blows a raspberry)

The Ape Man's head roars again, and Chris throws it fearfully aside.

Bullet: Wow! Those wallpaper hangers sure came in handy when they did.

Brian: And we were more than happy to take him out! Hey, Bullet! You still up for showing me a good time?

Bullet: I haven't forgotten!

Randall: Congratulations! Glad to have hired you guys when everyone else quit on me. (moves over to Kevin): Isn't that right.....son?

Kevin: Now Dad, easy there!

Karen: FFFUUUUCCCCCKKKK! Who gives a shit about some people you hired to kill an Ape Man! WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!!

Randall: Don't worry Karen. I'll have Gina, Dusty, Stanley, Kevin and Bullet rebuild your office for you.

Karen: You better! (runs off crying)

Kevin: Mom! Mom! It's always the darkest before the dawn.....

Karen walks away sobbing with Kevin following her.

Randall: Now you three. Let's go back to my police precient and you can show me what a good job you did with the wallpaper.

Brian, Stewie, and Chris looked worried.

Bullet: What's the matter? I'm sure you all did good. Why do you look like you're on an LSD trip when Randall said that?

Scene 10 Conclusion

Randall screamed and yelled at the sloppy work Brian, Stewie, and Chris had done with wallpapering the holding cells.

Stewie: Oh no!

Brian: Take it easy, Stewie.

Chris: Maybe we can remind him that we caught the Ape Man.


Bullet: I agree! Brian, you can forget about that good time I promised you.

Brian: Look! I'm sorry. We just got distracted when you recruited us.

Stewie: Please! Give us another chance!

Chris: Just let us do it all over again!

Randall: You fucked up the holding cells by doing a lazy ass job then you all blew up my wife's City Hall office....

Stewie: That was the Ape Man's fault!

Chris: Be mad at him, not us!

Bullet: What do you think we ought to do with these three?

Randall: I know. (to Brian's, Stewie's, and Chris's faces): I hearby declare you all banned from Paradise! FOREVER!

Stewie: I'm new at this wallpaper business! Please let us start over!

Chris: We killed an Ape Man that you were after, and this is how you repay us?

Randall: I'll put a review on Angie's List and tell people to never hire you! Until then, YOU ARE KICKED OUT OF PARADISE! Show them the door, Bullet!

Brian, Stewie, and Chris found themselves being kicked out of the Paradise PD Police Precient. Stewie picked himself up and brushed himself off. Brian and Chris do the same.

Stewie: Well, so much for wallpaper hanging business.

Brian: It was quite a wild ride we had here.

Chris: Even though we failed, we will always have this day to remember.

Brian: That's right, Chris.

Stewie: I want to go back to Quahog and start a new business. This time more local. No more traveling to different states.

Brian: Don't blame you a bit there, Stewie. Really wished I could've spent some time with Bullet, though.

As Stewie, Brian, and Chris were walking down the streets into their rental car and drive back to the airport. They all notice something was missing.

Chris: Hey, wait a minute?

Stewie: What's wrong, Chris?

Chris: Aren't we forgetting something?

Brian: Holy shit! You're right! Meg! Where is she?

Chris: Uhhh, who ever knows with her?

Stewie: You're right. She can find her own way back.

Brian: I agree. I'm sure she'll turn up somewhere.

At the Dippin' Dots Building. Meg was inside. She was slowly waking up from being beaten by Gina earlier.

Meg: OH. Aww, where am I?

Finally waking up, Meg finds herself in a conference room. The first person she sees is the Paradise Kingpin. Gerald Fitzgerald.

Meg: Can someone tell me where I am?

Fitz: Welcome to hell, bitch!

Meg (gasps): Who are you?

Fitz: Allow me to present myself to you. I am Gerald Fitzgerald! The Kingpin.

Meg: Oh no! What are you going to do to me?

Fitz: Full of questions are we? We're going to keep you here a captive, and you're going to be our slave! Take her away!

Pedro Pooptooth, Marcos Narcos, and Frank Flipperfist all carry Meg to take her to another room and put her inside a glass box.


Once inside the glass box, Meg pounds on it and her screams are silenced. Puffy The Cigarette, The Russian Mobster, Pedro Pooptooth, Marcos Narcos, Frank Flipperfist, Pat Robertson, and Fitz himself were all laughing like maniacs at Meg encased inside the glass box.

Fitz: And if you defy us in any way....

Meg: Yes...(sadly)

Fitz: We're going to make you an ingredient for our argyle and houndstooth meth!


As Meg cried and screamed. Fitz, Frank Flipperfist, Pat Robertson, Russian Mobster, Marcos Narcos, and Puffy The Cigarette all cackle and crack up as they surround Meg in the glass box. A door opens.

Fitz (throws a vase): Get back in the pantry asshole!

After Fitz threw a vase at the door. Fitz, Frank Flipperfist, Pat Robertson, Russian Mobster, Marcos Narcos, and Puffy The Cigarette all continue to cackle and crack up at Meg.

Meg: (sobs) Rescue me....

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