Categories > Original > Humor

3 Sides To Every Story

by narwhalpuppy 0 reviews

A Potluck Picnic leads to disaster for the Legion of DOOOOM

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Published: 2020-08-06 - 7513 words - Complete

0Unrated
Paradise PD Presents:


A Narhwal Puppy Production



3 Sides to Every Story




The Paradise Fairgrounds was holding a Potluck Picnic. The host and guest of honor was the Kingpin himself, Gerald Fitzgerald. The Potluck Picnic had rides, a buffet, and lots of games. The Paradise PD however, were very digusted at the sight of it.

"DAMMIT! Why does that asshole Gerald Fitzgerald get to have a picnic for his criminal friends and we can't have one!" said Bullet.

"Blame it on my on again off again wife, Bullet! She did this all in the name of diversity!" said Randall.

"Tell me about it! She even thinks criminals deserve rights." Gina agrees rolling her eyes.

"Wish I could get my hands on that buffet!" said Dusty chomping his lips. "I was in a lady prison once you know!" "Don't get any ideas!" Randall warned Dusty.

"That should be us doing all this! Not them!" Kevin says.

"I say we send them all to Alkatraz! So they can get the butt fucking of their lives!" Stanley tells them.

"Know what? Let's just go back to police headquarters! I've had enough of this shit for one day!" Randall says as he and his fellow officers depart.

Gerald Fitzgerald was at the enterance to the Fairgrounds inviting anybody and anyone who was an offender in Paradise. Carnival music plays throughout.

"Come one come all! Welcome to my Potluck Picnic! We have something for everyone! Rides, games, and food! Going on all weekend! So step right up and come right this way! No good people aloud! That includes you, Hobo Cop!" Fitz announced.

Hobo Cop walks away all saddened, "Awwww, shit! Well, back to the dumpster for me!"

Robbie and Delbert came to the front enterance.

"Hi, Fitz is it?" asked Robbie. "Who's talking?" asked Fitz. "We're repeat offenders we've been in trouble with the law so many times!" said Robbie. "Yeah, and your point is?" asks Fitz. "You're having a picnic so criminals can come to it, we're criminals too. Are we allowed in?" asks Delbert.

"Yes, sure! Just walk right in!" Fitz said. "Wow, thanks Fitz! Dobby has been wanting to go all year!" said Robbie. "Don't you Dobby?" asks Delbert. "DOBBY! DOBBY! DOBBY!"

Robbie and Delbert was impressed with the theme of the place. Fitz's Legion of DOOOOOM were there as well. "Woooo! Shit! Would you take a look at this! Which ride do you want to go on first, Dobby?" Robbie asks his 'son'. "DOBBY! DOBBY! DOBBY!" "OKay, ferris wheel is it! This place reminds me of the fair in the movie Joe Dirt!" said Delbert.

Frank Flipperfist walks by Fitz as does Agent Clappers. "Hey, Fitz! I got a Jerry a balloon!" said Frank. "Wonderful! Agent Clappers. If it isn't Mr. big ball energy, himself! What are you doing here?" asked Fitz.

"I'm a part of your gang, aren't I!" Agents Clappers tells Fitz. "Of course!" said Fitz who gets a megaphone. "Attention Legion of DOOOOOM members! Line up for games!" Pat Robertson, Jerry, Frank Flipperfist, Marcos Narcos, Pedro Pooptooth, Puffy The Cigarette, Russian Mobster, and Edna all meet at the middle of the fairgrounds for games.

"What games are we going to play?" asked Edna. "Everybody get partner! We're doing the sack race!" Fitz announces. Edna chose Jerry. Pedro chose Frank, Pat choose Puffy, and the Russian Mobster chose Brett Demarco. Marcos Narcos was the only one without a partner. "Dios Mio! Guess I'll have to do this alone!" "Get in the sacks, everyone! And no, I don't mean that in a sexual way! On your mark.....get set....GO!" Fitz said as his Legion of DOOOOOM members all play in the sack race. "I could've been your partner for that." Agent Clappers says. "No that's okay." Fitz puts him off.

When the sack race ended, The Russian Mobster and Brett DeMarco won it. "And the winner of the sack race is.......Russian Mobster and Brett! Let's all give them a big fucking hand!" Fitz shouted. The crowd who was watching cheered on. Russian Mobster cheers, "I won! Like the number one! HA! HA! HA!" Then Fitz announces the next game as he gives a blue ribbon to the Russian Mobster. "Next up, Frisbee Toss!"

The Legion of DOOOOOOOM remained with the same partners they had for a sack race. Marcos Narcos was playing frisbee by himself. Agent Clappers looks at Fitz like he had some deep turmoil inside him. "You know, you're not playing any of the games. Not that I care for picnic games." Fitz scoffs in a defensive way, "Why do you care so much about what I do! Damn! Can't I run the Potluck Picnic the way I want to do it? Without being questioned!"

Agent Clappers said, "Okay, all right. Trying to make conversation, here!" Then Agent Clappers looks at Jerry, "That little dolphin boy won! Better give him a prize!" "The winner of the Frisbee Toss is, Jerry!" said Fitz. Jerry yays in a way a dolphin would, Fitz gives him a blue ribbon. "What's the next game?" asked Pat Robertson. "Unga Bunga! Grab one of those mattresses!" Fitz said pointing to the direction where the matresses are.

"Unga Bunga? Isn't that from Family Guy? Can't come up with your own ideas for games, can you? Have to rip off concepts from TV Shows!" Agent Clappers joked. "I should just kick you out if you're going to insult me all day." Fitz tells the big balled agent.

"Can we have different partners?" asked Pedro. "No keep the ones you have." said Fitz. "Why?" asked Frank. "Because I said so! Now get your game asses in gear!" Fitz yelled at everyone. When the Legion of DOOOOOOOM members were playing Unga Bunga, Agent Clappers and Fitz kept on walking around the Potluck Picnic. "UNGA BUNGA! UNGA BUNGA! yelled all the Legion of DOOOOOM members as they were clobbering each other with mattreses.

"Call it a black man's intuition. There is something troubling you, isn't there?" asks Agent Clappers who was now suspicious. Fitz laughs it off, "Oh hell no! Why do I have to be upset about or bothered by? Look at this day! Sunshine, fun, games, rides! I don't have a reason to be angry or emotionally broken! Say, you want to ride the Ferris Wheel?"

"All right. Then you gotta tell me what's been going on with you." Agent Clappers. "It's a deal." said Fitz. Agent Clappers and Fitz went inside one of the carts in the Ferris Wheel.

Fitz talks to Agent Clappers, "So, Mr. Big Balls. What is this thing you 'notice' that you speak of?"

Agent Clappers says, "The way you have all your Legion of DOOOOOM members team up with the same partner. Marcos Narcos had to play those games you orchestrated alone. You only give ribbons for prizes if one of them wins a game. You copy games from Family Guy. Oh that reminds me."

"Yes, go on." Fitz said.

"Speaking of partners. Why haven't I seen that one who always hangs out with you?" asked Agent Clappers.

"All my members are here at this Potluck. There's nothing missing." Fitz said.

"Oh yes there is." said Agent Clappers. "That one guy."

"There isn't! Everybody's here! Stop trying to butt in on my life, motherfucker!" Fitz said.

Agent Clappers points in Fitz's face, "Hey, you promised you were going to tell me."

"No, I'm not! STOP THE RIDE!" Fitz shouts. The Ferris Wheel stops at the ground, and Fitz and Agent Clappers get off. Fitz was now being prusued by Agent Clappers.

"I won't leave you alone until you tell me!" Agent Clappers said. Fitz gives him the finger as he walks away. Picking up the megaphone, Fitz says, "Who won Unga Bunga!" "WE DID!" said Frank and Pedro! "Come on and get your ribbons!" Fitz said. The Legion of DOOOOOOM members clap for Frank and Pedro. "Who wants dinner!" said Fitz. "YAY!" "Russian Mobster, prepare the buffet!" Fitz orders. The Russian Mobster says, "I have lots of food I made and I will count! One! Fried Chicken! HA! HA! HA! Two Potato Salad! HA! HA! HA!" "Man the barbecue!" Fitz tells the Russian Mobster.

Robbie, Delbert, and Dobby, and all the other criminals in Paradise all gathered around for the buffet. Fitz was going to sit down, Agent Clappers soon joins him. "You're not going to get off my ass, are you?"

Robbie Delbert, and Dobby pounded on the table, "SARA LEE! SARA LEE! SARA LEE! SARA LEE!" "Knock that off!" Agent Clappers shouts. "Sorry, we were hoping this Potluck would have pound cake!" laughs Robbie. "Sara Lee makes it the best." Delbert joins in. Fitz cracked up at the joke.

Agent Clappers told Fitz, "You say everyone is here who works for you, correct?" "Correct." said Fitz. "So where is he?" asked Agent Clappers. "Where's who! Who's this imaginary friend you think I have!" Fitz gruffs throwing his arms up in the air. Agent Clappers says, "You know. He's short, talks in a British accent." "I know nobody like that! I don't even like British! They're stupid white people!" Fitz said moving to another table. Agent Clappers blocks his path, "You're not going nowhere until you......." A whistle is blown. The Russian Mobster was having an issue with the barbecue grill.

Fitz runs to his aid. "What seems to be the problem?" "I can't light up this grill." The Russian Mobster said. Robbie and Delbert try to lend a hand.

"You know, we rednecks are very good at starting up a grill!" said Robbie. Fitz tries to set Robbie and Delbert aside, "Let me handle this."

"What do you need help with?" asked Fitz. "To start up the grill of course." said the Russian Mobster. "I can't get it to light up."

Robbie and Delbert still tried to intervene, "You ought to try some better charcoal! Get Kingsford! Kingsford Tonight!" "You might want to try lighter fluid!" Delbert says.

"NO! NO! I don't want to do that!" said the Russian Mobster. "You guys, just go back to the table. You're only making things worse." said Fitz. Russian Mobster, "How do I start it," Then the Russian Mobster gets an idea, "I know I use.....gasoline! HA! HA! HA!"

Fitz screamed like hell won't have it! "NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!! You fucking crazy! You could blow up this whole godamned Potluck! What is this? The Sum Of All Fears!?" Fitz then sees a knob and turns it on, and the grill was working. "DUH! All you needed to do was turn the knob! Fucking dumbass!" "Oh thank you! HA! HA! HA!" said the Russian Mobster who was now grilling steaks and chicken. Fitz goes back to the picnic tables. Marcos Narcos, Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Jerry, Pat Robertson, and Puffy the Cigarette were all sitting down.

"I have to say, awesome job you're doing with this Potluck Picnic, Fitz!" said Marcos Narcos. "Don't mention it! Wish he could be here." Fitz said looking up at the sky. "You wish who could be here?" asks Frank Flipperfist. "He would've loved this." Fitz said. "Stop talking about him like he's dead, puto. All he had was some surgeries. He's fine." said Pedro Pooptooth. "I know." Fitz cried. Marcos Narcos implies, "Those doctors we took him to, they didn't look like surgeons as I can gather. Hell, they didn't even put him in a hospital gown." "That medicine that was given to him, it put him to sleep for a week! He's still sleeping." said Pat Robertson.

They were of course reffering to the one Legion of DOOOOOM member is obviously missing in action. Thester Carbomb.

Fitz jumps onto the table, "ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY FUCKING SHUT THE SHIT UP! We're not going to talk about him! We're here to have a good time!" Agent Clappers looks at him, "I knew it!" Fitz saw Agent Clappers coming his way, "Knew there was something off about you." Fitz said, "How so?" "You didn't join in on the games, you give flimsy prizes!" Agent Clappers tells him. "I didn't join the games is because I want to be a respected leader for my evil followers. I don't want to come off as some kind of buffoon. Want to be a serious villain not a silly one like Hank Scorpio or Dr. Evil!"

"Whatever, I'll let it go for now. But I'll be watching." Agent Clappers lets Fitz off with a fair warning but remained at the Potluck. The Russian Mobster was done grilling food and putting it on plates. The one food on the plate he was going to serve to Fitz however, had some houndstooth meth that he didn't know was sticking on his clothes that dropped into the food. "OH NO! I didn't know I still had that houndstooth meth on me!" Robbie and Delbert rush to him, "All you need to do it scrape it off his plate." "Yeah, he won't know the difference!" said both Robbie and Delbert. "Well, okay." Russian Mobster said trying to scrape the meth off of Fitz's plate, however it was already too late. The meth melted into the food.

The Russian Mobster served the barbecued food to all the members of the Legion of DOOOOOOM. "Let's say grace! And pray to Thester, too." said Pat Robertson. Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, and Marcos Narcos were all being served the food. Robbie, Delbert, and Dobby got their food as well. "Last but not least, for you, Fitz!" Russian Mobster said. "For being such a great leader to us!" said Marcos Narcos. "Yeah, where's his right hand man?" muttered Agent Clappers. "TO FITZ!" they all say.

"Oh, shucks! It's an honor to be your leader and be your guide on the path of evil. What are we waiting for? Dig in!" Fitz said. Everyone eat their dinner. Fitz really enjoyed his. Agent Clappers said to him, "Now are you going to tell?" Fitz said without getting mad, "Fine! I'll tell. Thester had to get his tonsils taken out and he had a benign cyst on his belly button! That's why he can't make it today! Add it to the fact that we had taken him to the doctor and the people who were operating on him didn't look like surgeons, and he was given a tranquillizer by those doctors that put him to sleep for over a week and a half! Is that what you want to hear!"

"That's fine. I was just curious as to where he was that's all. No need for the paranoia. What did you think I was going to do? Arrest you? I'm on your side. " said Agent Clappers. The meth in the food had started to take effect on Fitz. "Boss." "Boss." said a British accented voice that sounded like a far away echo. Fitz rose from his seat. "Thester! You're all better! You made it here to the Potluck!" Fitz said running. Then Fitz hallucinated of an image of Thester who was licking some cotton candy as if it were an ice cream cone. As much of a great time Fitz was having running the Potluck Picnic, he still yearned for Thester. George Thorogood's Who Do You Love begins to play as Fitz ran to the image of Thester.

Russian Mobster looked worried. When Fitz caught up to the image of Thester who was licking the cotton candy who was behind one of the rides. The image of Thester soon was gone. The song stopped, Fitz was saddened and ran back to his seat and finished his dinner.

"Great dinner, Fitz! We should have another Potluck next year!" said Frank Flipperfist. Fitz didn't pay any attention to the comments. "We never had anything like this back in Colombia!" said Marcos Narcos. "Are you going to say anything, Fitz? Fitz?" Pedro Pooptooth tries to get his attention.

Fitz then answers, "Who is this Fitz you all keep talking about!" "Why that's you!" said Pat Robertson. Fitz was now getting high from the effects from the meth that was in his food. Robbie, Delbert, and Dobby couldn't help but laugh at him.

"I AM NOT FITZ!" yells Fitz standing on the table. "Of course you are. Who else would you be?" asks Edna! "I AM BOOGERMAN!" Fitz shouts.

"Boogerman? Who the fuck is Boogerman? Is that like Black Panther?" asked Robbie.

Fitz begins to rip off his clothes, "RAD! COOL! BOOGER!" Fitz was now buck naked running around in his birthday suit. Everyone at the Potluck Picnic was soon screaming and vomiting at the sight of Fitz acting like he was Boogerman.

Screams were yelling, "AAAAHH! He's exposing himself!" "A NAKED BLACK MAN!" "WE'RE GETTING OUT!" Fitz was soon running all over climbing on the rides thinking he was Boogerman, "BOOGER! BOOGER! A-HA! A-HA!"

Fitz soon ran out of the Potluck and was now naked in the woods jumping all around. The Legion of DOOOOOM went back to the Dippin' Dots building. There was another game that everyone who attended was playing called 'DUNK A CORPSE' which was the dead body of Terry Two Toes.




*




Randall Crawford walked into the Paradise PD Police Precient. All ready for a day of stopping crime and busting crooks. What he was about to walk into however was a big huge comedy fest. Randall entered his office and all the officers were erupting in non stop uncontrollable laughter.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SO FUNNY!" Randall yelled.

Bullet comes up to him, "Oh, man! You would not believe what we are watching!"

"From the looks of things it's probably a Tim Allen stand up act from the 1990s!" said Randall.

"Even better! Come take a look!" said Bullet.

Kevin, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley were all cracking up at the latest viral video. "Something tells me you had something to do with this, Bullet!" said Randall.

"He sure has! Gerald Fitzgerald is running around Paradise thinking he's a video game superhero!" laughs Kevin.

"This is so hilarious! I can't stop laughing at this!" Gina cracks up.

"More funnier than having a three way with Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd! True story!" said Stanley.

"It really is funny to laugh at other people!" Dusty said.

Randall had taken a look at the viral video. It showed Gerald Fitzgerald dressed like the superhero from the Sega Genesis game Boogerman.

"Son of a bitch! Fitz sure has flipped his shit!" Randall said astounded.

In the video is showed Gerald Fitzgerald wearing a Boogerman outfit. Throwing plungers around. Picking his boogers and throwing them at people. Burping at people walking down the street, Hocking loogies. Saying RAD! COOL! BOOGER! A-HA! Along the way. Then Fitz was doing super burps, super farts, digging, butt whomping, swinging, and thinking he can fly with his farting.

"This makes me glad Fitz doesn't work for us anymore!" Gina said.

The video also showed Fitz throwing plungers at people and mistaking some people for characters in the game. "A-HA! HICKBOY!"

Randall decides to take action, "All right everybody! Howdy Doody Time is over! One of you is going to go out there and get Fitz and bring him back to his senses."

Nobody listened to him.

They all continued to watch the viral video Bullet filmed about Fitz as Boogerman.

"I don't think anybody is interested, Dad." said Kevin.

"Kevin's right. Nobody wants to catch Fitz! I like him so much better like this!" said Dusty.

"Dusty's right! He needs to stay that way! Oh you guys, look! He's attacking more people!" Bullet said.

"I wanna see!" Gina said.

The video now was showing Fitz beating up people, he thought were bosses in Boogerman! "A-HA DEODOR-ANT! RAD! COOL! BOOGER!"

"Why don't you want to watch, Randall?" asked Stanley. "Somebody has to be the serious one here!" Randall answered. Another scene was shown of Fitz trying to flush himself down the toilet. Randall tried to keep a straight face about it, but snickered a little here and there.

Unfortunately, as much fun as the Paradise PD was having watching the viral video. It soon was witnessed in the wrong eyes. In Diamond City, there lived a Kingpin named Maximilliano. Who looked a lot like Gustavo Fring from Breaking Bad. Who was running a local clothing store much like WalMart. His drug dealing gang was called The Diamonds In The Rough. These drug dealers were rivals with the Legion of DOOOOOM. The drug dealers were named Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey. In the meeting room which was under the clothing store, Maximilliano was showing them the video.

"How do you like this! The Legion of DOOOOOM's leader seemed to have gotten high on his own supply!" said Maximilliano.

"So, if the leader, isn't his name Gerald Fitzgerald is high like this. What does that mean for the Legion of DOOOOOM?" asked Malcolm.

"It's good that you asked, this way while he's running around thinking he's an absurdist superhero, this could be our chance to take out the Legion of DOOOOOM!" suggests Maximilliano.

"Awesome idea! That way we could be the most powerful crime originazation in this county." said Reese.

"Correct as usual. Now we are all going to go to Paradise. The destroy of Legion of DOOOOOM!" said Maximilliano.

Dewey looks at a wooden box, "We already have one of them right here!" Inside the wooden box was Thester Carbomb. Who was still asleep from that strong medicine that was given to him after his 'surgery."

"As for he, we will sell his organs to Brazil! So, lets get off our asses. Have it at, and go kill The Legion of DOOOOOM!" orders Maximilliano.

Malcolm, Dewey, and Reese all get weapons as they departed to go to Paradise to complete their evil scheme.

"That was such a briliant scheme the way we got that Thester guy! Pretending to be surgeons!" said Reese.

Overtime with the Diamonds in The Rough on their way to Paradise. Fitz as Boogerman decides to take a break.

"Even the most determined superheroes have to stop and rest!" said Fitz. Behind them, Robbie, Delbert, and the Russian Mobster were following him.
"Please! You have to help me! This is all my fault this happened to Fitz!" Russian Mobster begs.

"Never you fear, we got something that will slow him down." said Robbie. Delbert showed the Russian Mobster a bag of argyle meth.

"That's argyle meth. How will that help?" asked The Russian Mobster.

"Because argyle meth isn't as strong as houndstooth!" said Delbert. "So what's the plan?" asked the Russian Mobster. Robbie observes Fitz as Boogerman going into a Chipotle. "When he isn't looking we put this argyle meth in his food!" said Robbie.

"Trust us, It'll work and Fitz will be back to his old Kingpin self in no time!" said Delbert. "I hope so. If he found out, he'll chomp off my balls and swallow them! That's what we used to do in the old Country!" said Russian Mobster.

Going inside the Chiptole, all eyes of the people who were eating there were on Fitz. Nobody could comprehend why he was in a Boogerman outfit. None of them knew about the viral video as of yet. A waitress who was working there spots him as Fitz sits at a table. "Uhhhh, can I help you?" asked the waitress who was confused and puzzled.

"Yes, I would like a have a bowl of your hottest chili! With jalopenos on the side!" Fitz said. A kid was looking at Fitz, "Mommy! What's wrong with that funny looking man?" The mother berated her child, "Don't talk so loud about other people you little asshole!"

"Okay, Hottest Bowl of Chili with a side of jalopenos coming right up!" the waitress called out.

Robbie and Delbert soon sneak inside. "Okay, when he gets the chili, you give it to him, and put the meth inside." said Robbie to Delbert. "Got it!" affirms Delbert.

In five minutes, the hottest bowl of chili was served with a side of jalopenos. Delibert takes the plate, "I'll take this to that gentlemen over there." "Wow, thanks!" said the waitress. Secretly putting the argyle meth inside the chili, Delbert places the chili that now had the meth inside and gives it to Fitz. Delbert then runs out of the Chiptole to rejoin Robbie and the Russian Mobster. The three of them were watching the whole thing unfold before them.

Fitz was eating his chili and the jalopenos. "MMMM! Delicious! Good! MMMM!" In a short while, Fitz was beginning to feel dizzy and assumed he had heartburn. Fitz pounded his chest, then he felt a growth inside his buttocks.

"Yes....yes...yes......" Robbie said filled with hope.

Down to the last of the chili, Fitz gets up and lets out a huge burp. Then goes back to eating the last of the chili. "Come on...come on...come on!" Delbert says. Russian Mobster was whining in Russian.

Fitz then feels the same growth in his pants. "Ahhhhh! That was so good!" Fitz sighed contentedly until a huge massive explosion of diarrhea filled up the whole Chiptole. Everyone ran out screaming. "It wasn't me!" Fitz said. The waitress marches up to Fitz, "GET OUT! YOU INSANE FUCKING LUNATIC! YOU'RE BANNED FOREVER!"

Robbie laughs, "Talk about a shit storm!" "Here comes Fitz now!" said Delbert.

Fitz soon fainted on the ground, Robbie, Delbert, and The Russian Mobster decide to take Fitz back to Robbie's crack house.

At the Legion of DOOOOOM a knock is heard at the door. "Go get that," said Frank Flipperfist. "OKay, I will. Probably Harvey Weinstein again!" said Pedro Pooptooth. Answering the door, behind it was the Diamonds In The Rough who used knock out gas to put the Legion of DOOOOOM members to sleep. Marcos Narcos, Jerry, Puffy the Cigarette, Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth were all being put inside the limo that was being driven by Maximilliano the nortorious kingpin of the Diamonds In The Rough.



*


In Robbie and Delbert's crackhouse, Fitz was out cold. Russian Mobster tried to revive him. "I know! I'll pound on his chest! One pound! HA! HA! HA! Two pound! HA! HA! HA!" Robbie and Delibert looked at each other and laughed at how the Russian Mobster was counting. Fitz was beginning to come to. "I think he's waking up!" said Robbie.

Fitz said, "Oooh, where am I?" Darting all around, Fitz sees himself in the Boogerman costume. "Hey, this isn't my super suit!"

"Supersuit? What are you talking about?" asked Russian Mobster.

"Do you even know who I am?" asked Fitz.

"You're Gerald Fitzgerald of the Paradise PD." said Delbert.

"No, he isn't! You're Gerald Fitzgerald leader and kingpin of the Legion of DOOOOOM!" said Russian Mobster.

Fitz automatically stood up, "I am none of those things!"

"Then who are you?" asked Robbie.

Fitz announces himself, "I AM EARTHWORM JIM! GROOOOVVVVYYYY! Now where is my supersuit!"

Robbie and Delbert were amazed, "Come on, Delbert! We're going to give him that supersuit he wants!"

"Think there's one where we keep the Halloween costumes!" Delbert said walking off to get the supersuit.

Fitz looked at Russian Mobster, "You must be my sidekick, Peter Puppy!" "NO! NO! NO! I'm a Russian Mobster! I am so sorry this happened!"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Peter Puppy!" Fitz said. Robbie and Delbert came back with the supersuit that was similar to Earthworm Jim's. "Here is that suit you wanted, Mr. Earthworm Jim, sir!" Robbie said. "Good thing I kept it. I was Earthworm Jim last Halloween!" Delbert said.

Taking the supersuit and putting it on, Fitz said, "Ahhh! Thank you! Now all I need is my laser gun!" Robbie and Delbert gave him a regular gun. "Laser gun it is!" Delbert said.

The Russian Mobster gets a call on his watch, "Hello?"

On the other end it was Frank Flipperfist. "HELP! We've been kidnapped!"

"Kidnapped? By who? Where are you guys?" asks the Russian Mobster.

"We're in Diamond City. Underground in a department store! Come and save us!" Frank Flipperfist pleads.

"We're on our way!" said Russian Mobster. Fitz says, "Woah Nelly! A kidnapping is it? Must be the evil Psycrow and Professor Monkey For a Head kidnapped Princess Whats-Her-Name!"

Fitz and Russian Mobster ran out of Robbie and Delbert's crackhouse. "Sure, I'll be more than happy to help you! Earthworm Jim! Just follow me!" The Russian Mobster drove his car which was parked next to the Dippin' Dots building. Russian Mobster was driving to Diamond City to find a department store.

"So glad to have you with me, Peter Puppy!" Fitz said. "Yes, indeed! I am this Peter Puppy you speak of!" Russian Mobster said. Driving all around Diamond City, Fitz sees a Walmart looking place and points to it, "Great Gogglie Wogglie! We found it!" Cocking his gun Fitz says, "I'm a rocket man!" "Like the Elton John song?" asked Russian Mobster.

Fitz and Russian Mobster both ran inside the WalMart looking place. People who've stopped were glimpsing at Fitz were taking pictures of him on his iphones and laughing at him in the Earthworm Jim costume. "This is going on TIKTOK!" said one of the customers!

Russian Mobster stops to think, "Now where can we find an underground place in this store!" Fitz thumbed at the door that reads, "LAYAWAY." "That's it!" Russian Mobster says.

Going inside the Layaway, they see Pedro Pooptooth, Frank Flipperfist, Puffy The Cigarette, Pat Robertson, Marcos Narcos, and Jerry. They were all sitting on chairs with their hands tied behind their backs. The Diamonds In The Rough were dancing around a fire. Their leader Maximilliano was cutting open corpses and making them watch.

"You think that scares us!" Marcos Narcos laughs. Jerry was the only one who looked worried, "Daddy? Are we going to die?" Frank Flipperfist assures his son, "No son. It'll turn out for the best!" Pat Robertson says, "You don't have to be like this. Why not accept Jesus in your heart!" Reese slaps Pat Robetson across the face, "SHUT UP FUCK OFF!" Malcolm, Dewey, and Reese were all dancing around the fire. "PUTOS! That's what you all are! PUTOS!" Pedro Pooptooth yells defiantly.

"Tell us who you all here!" Frank Flipperfist says. Maximilliano says, "You know who we are! Don't you remember?" "Oh yes, now we do! We were in a turf war with them five years ago!" said Marcos Narcos. "Diamonds in the Rough! Of course!" Pedro Pooptooth says. "You may have won the turf war five years ago, now this time we're going to win against you!" Maximilliano laughs.

"Why did you capture us?" asked Frank Flipperfist. "So we can kill you all and then we'll become the most feared Drug Cartel in the county!" Maximilliano said. "Enjoy your last moments of being alive!" he added on cutting up more corpses.

Malcolm runs up to them and yelled, "WHAT'S HAPPENING!" Reese does the same and shouts, "Oh that's good!" Dewey said, "White World of Sports!" "What the fuck are you even talking about!" Pat Robertson shouted. "Oh, we like to quote lines from Cheech and Chong movies!" Maximilliano said. "And we named ourselves after kid characters from sitcoms!" said Reese.

On a platform, Fitz and Russian Mobster were watching. Fitz grabs a chain hanging from the ceiling to swing on. "You stay here, Peter Puppy." "Whatever." said Russian Mobster.

Now swinging on the chain, Fitz screams, "Plan A! Shoot them up like swiss cheese!" Fitz then shoots up all the Diamonds in The Rough and yells out, "OKay Psycrow and Professor Monkey for a Head! EAT DIRT! You cowardly evildoer asshole sons of bitches!"

Trying to get away from Fitz's gun fire, Maximilliano shouts, "SHIT! He's crazy!" Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey yell, "We're getting the fuck out of here!"

Before they could make a getaway, Fitz shoots up all the members of the Diamonds In the Rough until they were dead. Russian Mobster comes and unties Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Jerry, Marcos Narcos, and Puffy The Cigarette. "Wow, thank you. I owe you one!" said Marcos Narcos. "Think nothing of it! HA! HA! HA!" Russian Mobster said. "Where's Fitz?" asked Jerry.

Still swinging on the rope that was now out of his control, Fitz was about to crash into a wall, "GGGGRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVYYYYY!"
Now Fitz landed hard on the wall, and fell off. Everyone comes running to his side. "Quick! Let's get him back to Paradise and the Dippin' Dots building!" Russian Mobster said.

The Legion of DOOOOOM who were now free of the Diamonds In The Rough, all piled into Russian Mobster's car and drove back to Paradise in the Dippin Dots building. Jerry carried the wooden box that Thester Carbomb was in. "Thester is in here!" he annouces. "Good work, son. Hopefully, Fitz will come back to his senses." said Frank Flipperfist.




*



Returning to the Dippin' Dots building, Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Jerry were trying to revive Fitz. "Fitz! Wake up! Wake up!" Frank Flipperfist says. Russian Mobster was still worried Fitz was going to get mad at him for dropping the houndstooth meth in his food at the Potluck. "I hope he doesn't remember." said Russian Mobster. "Relax! He never even knew you dropped that meth in his food!" Pedro Pooptooth tells him. Marcos Narcos tries to wake up Fitz, "Santa Maria! Get up! Get up! We need you!" Jerry decides to try something. "What are you going to do Jerry?" asked Frank Flipperfist.

"Stand back, I know CPR!" said Jerry who then does CPR on Fitz. It worked and Fitz was beginning to wake up. "Oh! Oh! What happened?" Fitz asks in a daze. "He's back! He's back! Our prayers have been answered!" said Pat Robertson. Fitz quickly came to his feet and starts taking off his clothes. "Oh no! Not again!" said Marcos Narcos.

"Fitz! Where are you going?" asks Frank Flipperfist. "I am not Fitz! I'm Sonic the Hedgehog! Gotta go FAST!" Fitz says as he runs out of the Dippin' Dots building buck naked. "We ought to research about that Meth that we sell." said Pedro Pooptooth.

Once again, running around the town of Paradise, Fitz thought he was Sonic the Hedgehog. "Okay, Dr. Robotnik! I'm coming for you!" Fitz said. Everyone who was walking down the streets who saw Fitz was filming him on their iphone and whatnot. Mothers were covering their childrens eyes.
Fitz runs into a local jewelry store. "Power rings! That what I need!" Fitz said. The employees at the jewelry store were screaming, "AAAHHH! A NAKED MAN!" "STOP HIM!" "HE'S ROBBING OUR STORE!" Fitz grabs a whole bunch of rings that were on sale and says, "PLING! PLING! PLING! PLING! PLING!"

Fitz's running around naked broke the local headlines. A news anchor named Nathan Tate was reporting "In our town of Paradise, Gerald Fitzgerald of the Paradise Police Precient has been going around in the nude and in costumes thinking he's a video game character. Our rescources tell us he's probably either really high on drugs. Or just fucking crazy! Over to you!"

A television is turned off. The scene changes to Randall in the conference room of the Paradise Police Precient. "DAMMIT! How could Fitz do this to us! First he's revealed to be the Kingpin, now he's making a spectacle of himself and our town! We need to stop him this minute!" Randall shouts at his crew.

"We could lure him into a trap and make him come to us!" said Kevin. "I know! Let's do one of those Wile E. Coyote traps!" Dusty suggested. "NO! We need him to come to us!" Randall said. Gina has a taser in her hand, "Send me out there! I know what to do with him!" Stanley said, "How about we just drop an anvil on him!"

Bullet gets a bag of snakes, "We could have these snakes bite him to slow him down! Worked in the movie Natural Born Killers!" "No that's too good for him! The point is instead of making viral videos of him, we should've been trying to catch him so we can put his ass in the slammer!" screams Randall.

Soon, they all hear Fitz running to the Police Precient Building. "Shhh! Quiet everyone. Here he comes now." said Kevin. Fitz was yelling holding onto the rings he stole from the jewelry store, "Sonic's my name! Speeds my game! Gotta speed up! Let's blast through with Sonic Speed! These power rings will help me!" "Holy shit! He thinks he's Sonic the Hedgehog! I got it! One of us can pretend to be Tails and get him in here!" Bullet said. "That's brilliant, Bullet! Kevin! You used to play Sonic games in the past. You pretend to be Tails." Randall said. "Nah, I don't think so." Kevin said in reluctance. "What's wrong, Kevin? Afraid of getting your ass kicked! buck buck buck ba-gock!" Gina tells him. "I'll go out there and pretend to be Tails! I'm the only thing that remotely looks like a fox!" said Bullet.

"Good luck, Bullet! We're counting on you!" Dusty called out.

Bullet walks out of the Paradise Police Precient, as soon as he sees Fitz run by. "SONIC! SONIC! It's me! Tails!" called Bullet to Fitz. "Tails! Little buddy! What're you doing here?" asked Fitz. "Uhhh, I found Dr. Robotnik or rather Eggman whatever the fuck he's called. He's inside this building!" said Bullet. "Well, why didn't you say so, lil bro! Let's break inside and do our thing!" said Fitz. "Yes! It worked!" said Bullet. Fitz and Bullet both run inside the Paradise Police Building. "I did it! I got him to come inside!" Bullet cheers.

Fitz was running around and jumping up on tables still thinking he was Sonic. Fitz mistakes Randall for Dr. Robotnik. "Well, if it isn't Dr. Robotnik! I'm here to put a stop to your evil schemes!" Fitz said. Stanley, Gina, Dusty, Randall, Kevin, and Bullet all scrambled around the conference room trying to grab Fitz. Stanley slips, "Awww, dammit!" "You can't catch me, Robotnik!" Fitz said. Gina jumped on top of Fitz and used her taser on him, Fitz was immobilized then soon finds himself being dragged into the holding cells right next to Robbie and Delbert. Bullet throws Fitz into the holding cell and locks the door shut. Fitz beings to protest. "You can't keep me in here forever! Robotnik!" Fitz screams. Fitz soon takes notice that Robbie and Delbert were in the next holding cell, "I demand you release me! I see you've captured Cream and Cheese too! Let us go at once!"

"Awwww, shut up!" Gina screams at Fitz as she knocks him on the head with her night stick. Fitz was once again knocked out cold. "Good work you guys! Kevin, as long as Fitz is conked out, give him a blood test and take it to the lab!" said Randall. "Right, Dad!" said Kevin who proceeds to give Fitz a blood test.

"Who the fuck are Cream and Cheese!" Robbie asked in confusion. "A appetizer or an hors dourves of the sort." said Delbert. "Can it you two!" Gina shouted at Robbie and Delbert.

Randall decides to put Dusty and Gina in charge of guarding Fitz. "Dusty! Gina! Both of stay here in the holding cells and make sure Fitz doesn't get away!"

"Did you hear that, Dusty! We get to work together!! My dream come true!" Gina said. "That's nice I guess. Just don't try anything!" Dusty begs. Dusty and Gina guard the holding cell where Fitz was in. Getting tired from yelling Sonic catchphrases, Fitz soon falls asleep.

At the Dippin Dots Building, the Legion of DOOOOOM was wondering why Fitz hasn't come back yet. "We need to go find him." said Marcos Narcos. Pat Robertson says, "Let's devise a plan. It could be obvious was possibly caught by the police. Just go to the police station to see if he's there." "What if we get arrested?" asked Frank Flipperfist. "That won't be a problem. Cops aren't immune to sleeping gas!" Pat Robertson says as he hands Frank Flipperfist, Marcos Narcos, and Pedro Pooptooth cans filled with sleeping gas. "We need Fitz to come back so he can awaken Thester." said Russian Mobster. Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, and Marcos Narcos were on their way to the Paradise Police Precient.

As Pedro Pooptooth, Frank Flipperfist, and Marcos Narcos were on their way to the Paradise Police Precient. When they arrived, they threw the sleeping gas cans which made all the Paradise PD Officers go to sleep. Gina lands on Dusty as they both adrift to sleep. "Yes! This is the stuff dreams are made of!" Gina yawns falling on Dusty. "I knew this was going to happen....." Dusty yawns as well.




*


Breaking into the cell where Fitz was being held, Pedro Pooptooth, Frank Flipperfist, and Marcos Narcos were carrying Fitz out of the cell. They all put him in their limo and drove back the to Dippin Dots Building.

When he awoke, Fitz found himself in his bedroom at the Dippin' Dots Building. "What the fuck happened!?" he asks. Russian Mobster ran into his bedroom to explain everything. "I unknowingly dropped some houndstooth meth I forgot I had on me at the Potluck! Please forgive me!" The Russian Mobster asks for forgiveness.

"Gosh, you know what? I don't remember anything that has happen. Can anyone fill me in?" asked Fitz. In no time at all, Frank Flipperfist and Jerry tell Fitz everything that had happened since the Potluck. Fitz was shocked and appalled. "Damn, I was really high off my gord wasn't I?" said Fitz.

"Oh yes. But some good came out of it. We all got captured by the Diamonds In The Rough, and you saved us and kicked all their asses!" said Pedro Pooptooth.

"Good, no more rivals standing in our way." said Fitz. "Yes, and the Diamonds In The Rough gang were really the so-called surgeons we sent Thester to." said Frank Flipperfist.

"First you thought you were Boogerman. Then you thought you were Earthworm Jim, and after that you thought you were Sonic the Hedgehog." laughs Marcos Narcos.

"It'll never happen again, I promise!" Russian Mobster tells Fitz. "It's okay. I'll let you off for this time, Russian Mobster. I won't kick you out of my Legion of DOOOOOM for a dumbass mistake." Fitz tells Russian Mobster.

"Do you wish to see Thester?" asked Frank Flipperfist. "Sure. Where is he?" asked Fitz. "He's outside encased in a wooden box." said Pedro Pooptooth. Pat Robertson hands him a power drill, "You might want to use this to get him out."

Fitz takes the drill, "Thanks."

Going outside, Fitz spots the wooden box where Thester was inside. Then Fitz uses the power drill in reverse to unscrew the bolts that were bolted to the wooden box. Fitz opens it, and Thester was sound asleep. Fitz tries to wake him up.

"Welcome home, Thester. Come back to us."

Fitz gently places his hand on Thester's chest, much to his happiness, Thester slowly woke up.

"What...what...did you say, boss?"

Fitz proudly boasts, "THESTER! Look at you! I'm so glad you're doing better!"

Thester rises from the wooden box. "Boss! I feel much much better than I ever did!"

Fitz and Thester hug each other. Fitz sees that all Thester's stitches from his sugeries have all healed.

"I am just very glad to see you right now!" Fitz tells Thester.

"Me too. How long was I out for?" asked Thester.

"About a day or so. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. These past few days were boring as shit! Say, listen. How about we go out to dinner. Just you and me." said Fitz.

"Sure, I'm hungry anyway. Where would you like to go?" asked Thester.

"We can try Goopy Goobers. How does that sound?" asked Fitz.

"Haven't eaten there yet, boss!" said Thester.

Along the way to Goopy Goobers, Fitz and Thester have a conversation. "I was thinking. If I never end up with the right woman, let's make a pact, Thester." said Fitz.

"Whatever is this pact?" asks Thester. "If you or I don't find a woman to spend the rest of our lives with. Let's go out with each other!" said Fitz.

"Sure! It's 2020! Think people would be accepting of a romance between two straight men like us!" Thester agrees.

Going inside Goopy Goobers, Fitz and Thester take their orders. Soon, they find themselves surrounded by people who clamouring about Fitz.

"Hey, it's Boogerman!" "Can I have your autograph?" "Earthworm Jim! I loved you when you were a kid!" "Sonic! Did you defeat Eggman yet?"

Thester was confused, Fitz tries to shove everybody surrounding him off.

"What did all those people want with you, boss?" asked Thester.

Once Fitz was able to shove off all the people that circled him, Fitz says, "I have no idea!"

What Gerald Fitzgerald didn't realize was him being high on houndstooth meth, running around thinking he was three video game characters made him a viral internet sensation!



The End




The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!
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