FicWad

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy X is a work of Square.

Author's Notes: horizon, n. the limit of a person's mental perception, experience, or interest. road, n. a way to achieving a particular outcome.
More AuronxTidus squishy goodness in this! Heheheh... snickers

Horizon Road
by:butterflie
chapter two : [fantasy dream]


He opened his eye, bits and pieces of the dream floating back into consciousness slowly. Or rather, the fantasy turned dream. He'd seen it all so clearly on the docks last night, what would have happened if he'd given in to his desire, but he'd managed to hold himself back. Barely. Tidus hadn't been too happy about it, but it was for the best. That's what he had to keep telling himself, anyways. It was for the best. He didn't need to be bogged down with trying to raise a fifteen year old and educating said adolescent in the finer points of sex and sexual relationships. Having to explain the basics to the boy when he'd been younger had been bad enough, and he'd botched that conversation horribly. He was pretty sure Tidus had eventually just went to a friend for that in the end, embarrassing as it must have been for him.

Tidus hadn't said much after Auron made it clear to him that the answer would always be no, but he hadn't gotten up and left this time either. So they'd sat in silence, Auron trying to shove the fantasy of taking Tidus on the dock completely out of his mind, getting irritated with himself when it didn't work too well. And he'd had the strangest sense the boy knew exactly what he was thinking, which was a most disconcerting feeling to have. Eventually, as it had grown darker and later, Auron had stood to go in, Tidus following him without any prompting. He'd started off going to his own room, but he'd shown up in Auron's doorway around two AM, standing as silently as he had the night of the storm. Auron had almost told him to go back to his own room, but there was just something about the way Tidus was standing there so silent and still, and once again his soft spot for Jecht's son took over and he hadn't the heart to send him away. So Auron had let him come over and climb into the bed next to him, and as Tidus got closer he could see the wetness on Tidus' face and knew he'd been crying, and he was altogether glad he hadn't sent him away. Tidus had stayed the next few hours, alternately sleeping and crying, which only served to remind Auron all over again how much of a child Tidus still was, despite how fast he was growing up or how provocative he had been of late. The blond had stole away about six, slipping as quietly back to his room as the same way he'd come in to Auron's. It was only then that Auron had let himself get some sleep, only it hadn't seemed to do him much good. He was exhausted.

Tidus appeared to be just as unconcerned about what had--or rather, hadn't--transpired between them as he'd been last time. He wasn't quite as energetic or cheerful as last time, but then again, he'd had less sleep. It was evident in the slight drag of his steps as he moved around the place, getting ready for another day of school he despised. He'd told Auron plenty of times he'd much rather stay at home all day and play blitzball, but Auron made him go anyways.

"Auron, I don't feel good."

"You're just tired."

"I think I'm sick," Tidus said, and indeed his voice did sound listless, nothing at all like his usual carefree self. Auron frowned, trying to decide if Tidus was just faking to get out of his school. He'd tried a few times in the past, though Auron had always caught on immediately and made him go to school anyways. This, however, didn't seem to be like those times at all. Tidus was just sitting there at the table, not eating, and his face did look a bit flushed with fever.

"Go lay down then," Auron commanded him, somewhat gruffly. A sick Tidus was something he rarely dealt with, and he wasn't sure just how to handle it. "I'll bring you some potion in a bit."

Tidus didn't even make a face at the promise of potion, which he normally protested against with a passion. Instead, he just gave a faint nod, sliding off his chair and walking slowly back to his room, looking for all the world like he was about to collapse. Auron watched him go, a worried expression crossing his features briefly; he inwardly groaned. It should be Jecht here taking care of his sick son, not him. What did he know about sick teenagers? Tidus had been sick maybe twice before in all the time Auron had been raising him, and that was your simple if somewhat gross "throw-up-now-I'm-feeling-much-better" sickness. This lethargic and languid not caring about anything around him Tidus was something he'd never seen before, and he didn't have the first clue on what to do about it.

--x--

He spent most of the day keeping vigil beside the boy, who was sleeping rather fitfully, tossing and turning in his fever-induced sleep. He tried not to, but with little else to do he soon found himself staring at Tidus, the simple action that had gotten him into this... whatever it was, in the first place. It wasn't a mess, not really--but it was awkward. Anyway, he was staring, and though he knew he shouldn't he couldn't seem to help himself.

He was thinking back to last night, on the docks. He told Tidus, as best as he knew how, that the answer was no, and would always be no. Tidus had been hurt, that was understandable, but he seemed to accept the answer without much qualm. Auron didn't know if that was because Tidus finally knew he wouldn't get to 'have' Auron, or if it was because he was simply waiting until an opportune time to try again. He hoped it was the former. He hoped that desperately, because he knew his control was slipping. Every day, every hour, every second/, spent around Tidus was sheer torture for him. He wanted Tidus, oh how he /wanted him. Being near the blond--it was all he could do not to think of wanting him. Nor was Tidus helping matters, by offering himself so brazenly to Auron. Tidus had made it clear what he wanted--Auron--and now he was suddenly a different person. Not that you'd notice it at a first glance; it was more subtle than that. But Auron had lived with the boy for eight years now, he knew Tidus. And Tidus had changed now. Mostly it was just little hints he'd drop; he'd made it a point to come out of the shower wearing nothing but those damned too-small shorts, and he'd walk around topless a lot. He'd purposely search Auron out from hiding and talk at him nonstop, bouncing all around the man or sitting right up next to him so that Auron was forced to look at him. It was as if Tidus knew Auron's control was slipping, and he was doing everything in his power to push Auron over the edge and get what he wanted. In short, Tidus was playing with fire, and Auron was afraid he'd burn him. But he was just a child, as he constantly had to remind himself. No matter how fast he was growing up, or how he acted around Auron, he was still just a boy, a few years away yet from being an adult. Still innocent and simple in his expectations and needs, still young enough that he could view the world around him in terms of black and white and not see there being anything else or even anything wrong with there being nothing else. He was a child, and just as immature and superficial as any other fifteen year old boy, and it was not right for Auron to want him so. Which is why he told himself over and over--forget it. No matter what Tidus thought he wanted, he didn't truly know or understand, and it would be more than stupid to let himself give in. It could cause many problems and regrets, and that was the last thing Auron needed. If, indeed, he was to take the boy back to Spira eventually, as Jecht had hoped eight years ago, it would not do them good to be estranged to each other due to a careless mistake on Auron's part. No, he had to keep his distance, even if it hurt them both. He just didn't know how he was supposed to do that anymore. Not with Tidus so openly aware of his attraction--and dealing with one of his own, apparently. If nothing else though, he had to think of Jecht. Not what there would be with Jecht, for he knew there would never be anything else. Rather, he needed to think of what once was. It wouldn't be right for him to become involved with Tidus after having been involved with Tidus' father eight years ago. And he'd had his misgivings about that.

It didn't matter. He was thinking too much. He always thought too much. Everyone had said so. Even Jecht, and Jecht had only known him so long. But then, Jecht had known him best..better even than Kinoc, or his mother perhaps, or Braska. It was Jecht he had known the least amount of time, but in the end it was Jecht who had known him better than anyone else.

"No..."

At the sound of his voice, Auron looked over at Tidus, who had foregone tossing and turning to lie curled up in a fetal position instead, the blankets shoved off him and one pillow knocked to the floor while the other had somehow ended up near his feet. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he was sweating slightly. A nightmare, most likely. Tidus rarely seemed to have them but when he did they always left the boy vaguely disturbed for days. Auron had no idea what he dreamed about; Tidus wouldn't tell him and Auron had never dared ask.

"No!" Tidus repeated, louder and with more force. His body tried to curl up tighter into itself, and Auron decided to wake him.

"Tidus," he said, knowing how pointless that was. Hesitantly, he reached out a hand to touch the boy's shoulder, inwardly cursing himself for reaching this point. Just a few years ago he wouldn't have thought twice about touching Tidus. Then again, a few years ago he hadn't been attracted to Tidus. He put his hand down, lightly shaking the blond, hoping to wake him. "Tidus," he said again. "Wake up."

Tidus moaned and tried to turn over on his other side, but Auron wouldn't let him. He'd seen the betraying flutter of Tidus' eyelids, and knew the boy was waking. A few more insistent shakes, and Tidus opened his eyes, reluctantly, groaning as the dim light of the lamp hit them. He threw an arm over his face to shield the light. "I dreamed about Jecht," he said without preamble.

It took Auron completely by surprise. "Jecht?" he asked stupidly, as if he'd never heard of the man.

"Yeah." Tidus removed his arm and rolled his head over to look at Auron. "I dreamed he was a monster in your world, a big horrible ugly-looking monster. And he liked to kill people. He wanted me to kill him, but I wouldn't. I told him no."

Auron could only look at him, feeling distinctly uneasy as Tidus related his dream. He'd never told Tidus the truth about what Jecht had become and where he was. Why, or rather, /how/, had Tidus dreamed that? What would he think if he knew his dream was more than a dream, was actually pretty damn close to the truth of Jecht's so-called demise? He wouldn't tell Tidus yet though. Whatever he may have dreamed, Tidus still wasn't ready to know the truth. "Are you feeling any better?" he asked, just to be saying something, considering the boy still looked deathly pale and probably didn't feel all that great.

Tidus accepted the subject change easily enough; he shrugged and covered his eyes with his arm again. "Somewhat," he told Auron. "I feel both hot and cold though.."

"It's the fever. We're out of potion, I'm sorry."

"Don't care," Tidus mumbled. "Don't like that stuff anyway. 's too bittersweet.."

Auron gave a low chuckle at that. This Tidus was a bit more like the Tidus he was used to, though Tidus was far from violently protesting against potion as he normally would be. If he ever made it to Spira, he'd have to learn to get used to potion in a hurry.

"Auron?" Tidus asked, still half-mumbling his words, already close to sleep again.

"What, Tidus?" Auron asked, thinking he was glad Tidus was sick if it meant less questions, and then he was immediately ashamed of himself for thinking such a thing.

"How come you don't like me? Is it 'cause I'm annoyin'?"

"What makes you think I don't like you?" Auron asked him, startled, his eye blinking somewhat rapidly in surprise.

"I don't know.. 'cause you're holding back and I don't know why.."

This was not the time to be having this conversation. Not when Tidus was half-asleep and possibly not fully aware of what he was saying. Still, Auron didn't see any way out of it, he already felt bad enough about dismissing Tidus' dream of Jecht so callously. "It doesn't mean I don't like you," Auron said, wondering if he'd regret it later. Hoping he wouldn't, but knowing he probably would. He damned Jecht all over again for asking this of him. And he damned himself once more for agreeing.

"Then why..." Tidus started, the rest of his words drowned out in a large yawn. He tried again. "Then why won't you... I don't understand, that's all.." He opened his eyes and struggled to prop himself up on his elbows, looking over at Auron. "You say it's because I'm fifteen. You say it's because you're my guardian. You say it's because I don't know what I want, as if you were me and you really know what I want and what I don't. You say it's because you're doing what's best for me. You seem to have a million and one excuses for saying no. But that's all they are. Excuses. And you know it, and until you give me a real, solid reason for saying no, then I'm going to keep at it until you say yes."

Auron only looked at him. What could he say? He knew that they were all excuses, as true as they may be. But there was no way he would ever be able to explain the main reason behind his refusal and not have Tidus hate him for it. Tidus hated Jecht, which was understandable. Jecht had had no clue how to raise his small son, and he'd not done a very good job. Then he'd disappeared on them when Tidus was just seven years old, barely old enough to remember his father. Tidus blamed him for that, and for the subsequent death of his mother. Auron had been about the only stable, good thing in his life then. Finding out the man he admired most and the man he hated most had been together in an intimate relationship would be a betrayal to him.

Tidus sat all the way up, still watching Auron, waiting for a reply of some sort, though Auron had none to give him. "Auron?" he said softly. He reached out a hand, as if to touch Auron's cheek. "Please.."

Auron grabbed his hand, staying it, holding it away from him, but not letting go. Just this small bit. He'd give Tidus this small bit. "I'm sorry." So inadequate, those two words. How little they conveyed intense regret, pain, apology. But there was nothing else. Nothing else he could say. Those two little words would have to do, though they were hardly satisfying. He knew that, and yet he said it anyways. Nothing else.

Tidus didn't take his hand away. "What else is there?" he asked softly, eyes searching Auron's face, as if hoping to find what he sought in that stoically impassive expression. "What else are you keeping from me? What other reason are you hiding?"

"There is nothing else!" Auron growled at him, irrationally angry with Tidus for being able to read him so easily when he worked so damned hard to let nothing show, to let nothing slip through. He let go of Tidus' hand, took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. Getting angry would help nothing. Getting angry would only confirm that there was something else. Something he'd never tell, no matter what.

He expected Tidus to get angry, to yell back at him, because Tidus lost his temper far more often than Auron ever lost his anymore, but instead Tidus merely bit down on his lip, turning away as he lay back down, pulling the covers up over him. "I'm going to sleep. Shut the door on your way out."

So that was it. A dismissal. He supposed he deserved it.

--x--

Tidus was sick for the next three days. He spent most of the first two days alternately sleeping and dreaming. Auron spent most of that time sitting by his bed and stubbornly refusing to let himself think of certain subjects. By the third day, Tidus was up and moving about the place. By the next week, he was back to his normal energetic self, running around talking at Auron nonstop and attending four-hour long blitz practices daily.

Nothing more was said about their bedside conversation. Like both times before, Tidus was able to easily brush it aside, attach little importance to the matter. It frustrated Auron like crazy that the blond could do this, because he was never able to do it himself. Each incident was another push in the wrong direction, and his control slipped just a little bit more.

He couldn't help but wonder, though, just why Tidus was so intent on getting Auron to sleep with him. It wasn't that he wondered what Tidus saw in him (though, it must be confessed, that thought had crossed his mind on more than one occasion); rather, he wondered why Tidus persisted in bringing it up time after time despite Auron's constantly turning him down. Was it just the sex he wanted? After all, Tidus was fifteen, weren't teenage boys supposed to think about sex a lot? If that was the case, why not just go to one of his friends or teammates or something if sex was really all he wanted? Why him, a man who was twice Tidus' age and his guardian besides? What exactly was it that Tidus wanted from him? He'd said before he wasn't 'stupid enough to think it was love', but what did he think it was? Was it curiosity, lust, loneliness, frustration? Something else that even Tidus didn't know for sure what it was? He couldn't figure it out, couldn't understand what it was about him that Tidus wanted. Nor did he want to bring it up with Tidus. Their relationship was already precarious enough as it was.

He spent a lot of time wondering, too, just what Jecht would think of him for falling into lust with his son. Even if he and Jecht hadn't gotten into an involved relationship, it was still a betrayal. He had promised to watch over Tidus because Jecht couldn't do it. That meant looking after Tidus, raising him, protecting him. He was failing miserably in protecting Tidus from himself. He could forgive the boy his attraction; after all, he was a teenage boy who was having to grow up and cope with his hormones for the first time. It was understandable he wouldn't quite know what he wanted or get confused about what he felt for the man who had raised him and yet wasn't his father. But for Auron to want that boy back--unforgivable. He couldn't forgive himself for it, how could he expect Jecht to forgive him? And Jecht would know, if he saw Auron again. Tidus wouldn't even have to be around. Just one look at Auron and Jecht would know immediately just how far Auron had fallen. Jecht had always been able to read him easily. He didn't know if that was because of the closeness their journey demanded, or if it was brought about by something else. He'd never bothered to try and understand it, there were just some things you were better off not knowing.

--x--

Months passed. Tidus quit high school and their blitz team, all in favour of joining the Zanarkand Abes to play professionally. He became the youngest player in the history of Zanarkand to join a professional team, a fact which thrilled him immensely. He didn't, however, let it go to his head. Auron merely sat back and let these changes happen, feeling a bit apprehensive about the whole thing but knowing it was what Tidus wanted, and what Jecht had wanted for him.

He never stopped wanting. In fact, the lust he felt for Tidus only seemed to intensify as time went on, brought about by a combination of the changes Tidus' body went through as he grew, and the subtle but somewhat clumsy ways in which Tidus still tried to seduce him, to change Auron's mind. He was barely managing to hold on to his control these days, and he found himself glad for the long hours professional playing required of Tidus. But still, something had to give. He knew that he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer, and the thought terrified him. Regardless of what Tidus thought he wanted, if Auron let himself give in, it could change everything between them, destroy the relationship he'd carefully built the past eight and a half years. And that was something he could not afford, not for anything.

Tidus hadn't actually said anything again about it. It was as if, by dismissing him from the room that night, Tidus had closed the door on the subject, knowing that if he were to cause Auron a loss of control, it wouldn't be through talking. Auron had been glad about that, one of his biggest worries was that Tidus would press and press the subject until his relationship with Jecht came out, the relationship Tidus would never forgive him for.

He'd considered moving out. Now that Tidus was playing professionally, he was earning money, supporting himself. He would survive, and then Auron wouldn't have to worry about Tidus seducing him anymore. But he knew he'd never be able to bring himself to do it. Tidus may have been playing with the Abes, but he was still just a child. Still far from adulthood, and still needing someone to look out for him and take care of him. He still needed someone to cling to, and Auron couldn't deny him that.

A forcible slam of the door suddenly echoed throughout the houseboat, interrupting Auron's musings. He looked up in what was half mild surprise, half mild irritation at being interrupted, as Tidus stormed in the room, a scowl spread across his entire face. Plunking himself down on the couch next to Auron, he glared sullenly at the wall beside him and stubbornly refused to speak about what was wrong, obviously wanting attention and waiting for Auron to ask him. Auron almost would have thought he was just putting on a show, but the furious blinking of his eyes as he tried desperately to hold back tears gave him away. Still, Auron did not ask. If Tidus really wished him to know, then he would share the information when he was ready. For the moment, he was content to turn his attention back to the book he held in his hands and pretend to read it while his thoughts invariably turned musing once more.

What he couldn't help thinking about now was Jecht, and how Tidus looked just like him when angered. Auron hadn't seen Jecht angry often; in fact, it had happened only twice throughout their entire journey. He always displayed a dazzling variety of other emotions as they traveled in and about Spira, but rarely had he gotten angry. One of those two times, it had been directed at Auron.

They'd argued. Of course they had. They mut have spent half of the pilgrimage arguing. It was a wonder Braska could stand to put up with it. But never before had Jecht been angry when they'd argued. No, that wasn't Jecht's style. Jecht was the type to remain cool, calm, and collected in an argument no matter how heated things got, and he was always able to laugh it off afterwards. At first Auron had thought this was because the man was older, that he'd had more practice at controlling his temper. But as he gradually came to know Jecht, he understood that was just the way he was, that it wasn't in his nature to get angry, or upset. Cocky, arrogant, and brash--yes. That and more Jecht definitely was. But not hot-headed. Auron had been the hot-headed one then.

It had been a stupid argument, over something silly and pointless, though it had seemed largely significant at the time. They'd been walking along the bank of the Moonflow, heading for the shoopuf dock so they could cross along to the other side. Braska had told Jecht some days earlier about the Moonflow, and how it looked at night. Somehow Jecht had gotten it into his head that they absolutely had to stop and stay there for the night, so they could see the pyreflies flitting about the Moonlilies, and everything all lit up. He'd wanted to see it because there'd never been such a thing in Zanarkand. Auron had been angry, thought it was a waste of time and that they must press on in their journey and not stop to linger over such foolishness. So they'd argued, and for the first time ever, Jecht had gotten angry. Visibly angry. Even Braska had been surprised. In the face of that anger, Auron had given in. He was almost afraid not to. It wasn't even a drunken anger--Jecht had been sober for once. Perhaps that was why he'd actually gotten angry. Perhaps he could only get angry when he wasn't drunk off his ass. He still didn't know. They'd stopped and set up camp near the bank then, and Jecht had stalked off to be alone for a bit. When he came back he was his normal, cheerful self--or mostly. An aura of melancholy had seemed to linger about him, very well concealed. Auron doubted Braska had caught it. He wasn't even sure he'd seen it himself, and it had quickly disappeared as Jecht had wasted no time losing himself in his alcohol again. Nothing was ever said about the argument, or Jecht's anger. But Auron had never forgotten it.

The difference with Tidus though, was that Tidus often got angry, and easily. He could get angry over the littlest, most unimportant things, and while that anger lasted it was fierce and strong and very obvious. When Tidus was angry, you knew he was angry. And once it was gone, it was gone all at once, as if it had never existed in the first place. If the anger had been directed at a person, the second he was no longer angry, he'd be his same cheerful kind self to whoever had made him mad. Auron had seen it countless times, Tidus angry at him over the years as he'd grown up.

"Auron?" Tidus spoke up suddenly, startling him. He'd actually forgotten Tidus was next to him. "Why do people all have to be stupid?"

Auron chuckled slightly. "What do you mean?"

Tidus shrugged and looked at the man near him for the first time that evening. His face was more a pout than anything else, but Auron could still see how upset he really was. "People are just stupid," he said decisively, almost defiantly.

"Come on. Why do you say that?" Auron asked, encouraging him to keep talking, to explain what was bothering him.

Tidus just shook his head, a few tears sliding down his cheeks. He angrily wiped them away, embarrassed at crying in front of Auron. "It's just.. aw, it's stupid. I'm sorry. Never mind." He stood abruptly, as if to leave. Without thinking about it, Auron reached out and grabbed his wrist, causing Tidus to look at him in some surprise. Auron hadn't voluntarily touched Tidus in six months. "Sit," Auron prompted him, speaking somewhat gruffly as he quickly let go of the boy.

Tidus bit his lip, looking at Auron a moment, and then sat back down beside him, closer than before. Auron pretended not to notice this. "Now. Explain," Auron said, the tone of his voice kinder than the words themselves.

"It's nothing, really Auron..." Tidus said weakly, trailing off as Auron looked at him, eye just visible over his dark glasses. The blond nervously began to finger the sleeve of his shirt, looking down at it and focusing on that instead of his guardian. "Well... some of the guys on the team were talking to me tonight.." he shrugged again, helplessly. Auron waited for him to go on. "I guess.. I don't think they really meant anything by it, but a few of them were saying how they were surprised at how well I could play, since I was so young 'n all. And then this other guy cuts in and says it wasn't all that great, that I should start playing more like Jecht because Jecht was amazing and I was nothing compared to him.." he stopped again, and looked back up at Auron. "See? I said it was stupid. I just--I'm gonna go." He got up once more, heading for his room.

Auron watched him go for a moment, and then decided to go after him. Whether it was really stupid or not didn't matter--it was important to Tidus, and that was what mattered. He went to the boy's room and stood just in the doorway. "Tidus."

Tidus looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"It isn't stupid."

Tidus remained silent, lowering his head, blond locks falling in his eyes. He dug through a pile of clothes on his bed, looking for something comfortable to sleep in.

"I told you this before. Forget about Jecht's talent in blitzball. Focus on your own instead. Play however you want, just play well. Ignore what other people tell you. Don't let their words hurt. Understand?" Auron sighed when Tidus still didn't answer him. "Tidus, you know you can play blitzball very well. I've seen it for myself. And you wouldn't have made the Abes if you didn't have any talent."

"Yeah? Well maybe they just hired me because of who my old man was!" Tidus shot back, anger coming back full force. He snatched up some clothes, and started pulling his shirt over his head. Auron tried not to stare. "Besides," Tidus went on. "You've told me numerous times you've never played. How would you really know anything about how well I can play? And how can you compare me to Jecht's skill? Unless you watched Jecht."

Now it was Auron's turn to remain silent. He should have known talk of Jecht would lead to this. And he was tired of making excuses, tired of lying to the boy.

"Auron, please!" Tidus pleaded, sounding desperate. "I can't stand it any more! I can't stand any of this! I hate not knowing, I hate that you know and refuse to tell me anything about him, no matter how times I ask. I'm always dreaming about him, you know? I'm always wondering what happened to him and if he really is as dead as everyone says, and I hate it!"

"What do you want me to say?" Auron demanded, suddenly angry himself. "He was a drunken, arrogant, cocky, over-confident, talkative egotistic man, and I only knew him for six months. Six months. He spent most of that time talking about his son. His crybaby, runt of a son who he wanted to make into a blitz star like himself. He didn't shut up about you, Tidus. He missed you like crazy. He may not have known how to be a good father, but he still ca-"

"Stop!" Tidus sounded shaken. "Just stop."

"Why? It's what you wanted, isn't it? For me to talk about Jecht?" He was being cruel, he knew, and yet he couldn't seem to stop.

Tidus swallowed, and stood there, still half-undressed, clothes in his hand forgotten. "You're wrong," he said, voice lacking conviction. "He hated me. He didn't care about me at all, except to tease me for laughs when he was drunk. He wouldn't have missed me, or talked about me."

Auron came over to him, looking down at him. "I can't make you believe me," he said.

"Good. Because I don't." Tidus paused for a moment. "Is he really dead, though?"

Auron didn't hesitate. "Yes." Useless, to explain about Sin. Jecht was as good as dead, anyways. He'd never be human again, and once the next Summoner killed him, he'd be gone forever. Gone to the Farplane, to join Braska.

"Oh." At last Tidus seemed to remember he'd been changing. He slipped on the t-shirt he'd been holding in his hands, and then pulled on a pair of sleeping shorts as well, not caring that Auron was in the room watching him. He said nothing more about Jecht, Auron's words perhaps having thrown him off.

Auron knew that he should leave then, before he invited any further conversation, but for some reason he found he couldn't seem to make himself go. So he stood there, still watching Tidus who by now had walked over to the window, staring outside into the dark night.

Eventually Tidus spoke again. "Does Jecht have anything to do with your refusing me?"

Auron went very still, glad that Tidus' back was to him so he couldn't see the shock on his face. He sucked in a quick, quiet breath, rendered speechless, without any idea what to say. Deny. He had to deny it. "Jecht has nothing to do with it." It was a lie. Jecht had everything to do with it, and apparently they both knew it. But Tidus nodded, accepting this lie peacefully.

"Then you don't really have a reason for refusing me, do you," Tidus said matter-of-factly as he backed away from the window somewhat, turning his blue eyes back on Auron.

Without being aware that he was going to do it, and without hardly even being aware that he was doing it, Auron pounced. He pinned Tidus to the floor beneath him, knees on either side of Tidus' legs, hands gripping his shoulders roughly, watching as the boy's eyes went wide with shock, breath knocked out of him as his back hit the hard floor. Even now, he was beautiful, and Auron couldn't take his eye off of him. "Why do you want this so bad?" Auron growled at him.

Tidus continued to regard him with eyes still wide. He didn't move to get out of Auron's hold on him. "I... I can't answer that. I don't know the answer. I just /do/, is all."

Auron gazed at him for long moments, knowing all control was gone now, knowing he should just get up and leave, knowing he wouldn't, knowing already what was going to happen. Damn the boy for being so persistent. Damn himself for allowing him to want Tidus. Damn Jecht the millionth time for asking this of him. He let go of one of Tidus' shoulders, hand moving to trace the contours of Tidus' cheek, finger nothing more than the lightest of touches. "This," he asked, still growling, "is this what you really want?"

Tidus only nodded, not daring to speak.

Auron allowed himself to look at Tidus for a moment longer, neither of them moving or speaking. He knew he'd most likely regret it in the morning, but it was too late. There was no turning back now. He didn't want to turn back. All those years of wanting Tidus, and constantly resisting that lust, had only steadily fed the flames and made him want Tidus more than ever. And Tidus had added to it, pushing and prodding over and over, until he finally broke, all lack of control and not caring. He didn't care.

He didn't let himself think about it. He brought his face down, and he kissed Tidus. And Tidus kissed him back, and nothing else mattered.

end chapter two