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Author's Notes: Sorry this took so long. Things... excuses... faulty word programs... But yes, it was always meant to be this short. It's uh... a "transitional" chapter I guess.

Horizon Road
by: butterflie
chapter three : everything is fine


Regret.

It was the only thing he could feel, the regret that was eating away at him. If anything, he thought perhaps he should be feeling shame, but he felt none. He couldn't even summon up vague semblances of chagrin; everything else was washed out by the intense regret.

He shouldn't have done it. He shouldn't have done it. He'd known that, and he'd went ahead and done it anyway. He'd given in, and he'd slept with Tidus. A fifteen year old boy, for Yevon's sake. A boy he had promised to look out for and protect. But he'd broken the promise now. What had he been thinking?

He hadn't, of course. That was the problem. He'd let his body make the decisions last night, and his mind had decided to wander off to the Farplane or something in the meantime. And the mistake of that would be costly. Oh sure, he apparently hadn't cared last night, but what was to happen now? Auron didn't know. He had no clue what to do next. There were really only two options that he saw. One, insane as it sounded, was to allow some kind of new relationship to form between him and the boy. It was stupid, and could only be based on lust, and could never amount to anything, and yet... it was what he wanted to do. Then, the other option would be to pretend last night had never happened, because it was a mistake, and it could never happen again. It would hurt Tidus, sure, but it really was the better option. But... was it the right thing to do? Again, he didn't know.

Tidus was currently sleeping next to him in the bed. At some point during the previous night Auron had at least the sense enough to move them to Tidus' bed, knowing the floor was extremely uncomfortable. And so that was where they had wound up falling asleep, though to be sure the bed was rather small and just barely held the both of them. He was practically falling off the edge. Still, he didn't move. Knowing that what was to come in the next hours would be painful for the both of them, and at the least he wanted Tidus to have the small pleasure of waking up next to him.

Being careful not to wake or disturb the boy, Auron sat up in the bed, looking down at the sleeping blond. Even in his sleep he was quite beautiful to look at, and Auron suddenly found he couldn't take his eye off him. He looked nothing like Jecht in sleep. Jecht had been the type to have limbs all splayed out, mouth hanging open slightly, tossing and turning throughout the night. He was impossible to share a bed with, that is to say, at least when he actually expected sleep. Tidus, on the other hand, was very still as he slept. Auron had watched him countless times, for countless hours. Unless he was having a nightmare, the boy rarely moved. He could fall asleep in one position and wake that way ten hours later. He'd moved at some point during this night though, or else Auron had unconsciously pushed him away from where he'd fallen asleep curled up next to him. Now he was on his back, body just barely brushing up against Auron's. His chest was moving up and down slightly as he breathed, and the arm opposite Auron was draped over his chest. His hair was a mess, random sweaty strands clinging to his face. He wasn't dressed, obviously.

His mind drifted back to last night as his eye absently trailed down the length of Tidus' body, stirring in him a lazy sort of lust that didn't last long as regret put him back in his place. Sleeping with Tidus had been nothing like sleeping with Jecht, of course. Jecht had never been with another man, but to admit so would have been a bruise to Jecht's mighty ego. He'd exhibited nothing but confidence and a take-charge kind of attitude the first time they'd slept together. And Jecht had only gotten bolder in their relationship as time went on and the end of the pilgrimage drew near. Tidus though, for all his somewhat clumsy seduction attempts and pleadings with Auron to give into what they both wanted, had been rather shy and unsure of himself in bed, nervous about his first time and at a loss for what to do. And then there was also the fact that he wasn't Jecht. That was the biggest difference of all.

Next to him, Tidus stirred slightly and Auron felt a slight twinge of nervous anticipation as he watched the boy, waiting for signs that he was waking. He didn't want Tidus to wake yet. It was too soon. He'd expected at least another hour, an hour in which he'd wanted to use to gather his thoughts and try to decide just what to say to Tidus that would hurt the boy the least. But it looked like he wasn't going to be granted that time after all, for Tidus' eyes were slowly coming open, blinking lazily as he emerged from his slumber. Auron remained still, watching him as he oriented himself to his surroundings, trying to adjust to the fact that it was morning. He seemed somewhat surprised but nonetheless pleased when he realized Auron was still next to him. "Morning," Tidus said to him, offering a small and tentative smile.

"Morning," Auron responded gruffly, not smiling back. He watched the smile drop off Tidus' face and inwardly winced, already feeling bad about it. The morning was going to be rough and painful indeed. Even if he was about to hurt Tidus deeply, it couldn't kill him to be nice to the poor boy.

Tidus sat up without another word, sliding himself out of his bed and practically running out of the room to the bathroom, obviously wanting to get away from Auron and try to figure out just how upset Auron was with him.

Auron watched him go somewhat uneasily, wondering if perhaps he should say something, stop Tidus from leaving and making the already uncomfortable situation worse. But before he could even start to make up his mind, the bathroom door was slamming shut, with Tidus in there. Auron let out a sigh. Then he swore softly. Why, oh why hadn't he been stronger last night, and kept his damn desire in check? If he had, Tidus and he wouldn't be in this situation now. And he wouldn't have to be sitting here trying to figure out what the hell to say. 'Tidus, I never should have slept with you'? Simple and to the point. But it would also be a slap to the face. He couldn't say it like that. 'Last night was a mistake'? He shook his head. Still too blunt. He was really no good at this 'putting it delicately' thing. Pointless. Putting things delicately got you nowhere in Spira.

After another moment of useless thinking, Auron got out of the bed, feeling his aching muscles scream in protest. He reminded himself never to sleep in Tidus' bed again. It was just too damn small to hold him comfortably. He left the room, heading down the hall to the room that was once Jecht's and now his, knowing it would be a good idea to get dressed before he talked to Tidus. It didn't take long for him to get dressed, having forgone his red robes in favour of something more Zanarkanian. Something Tidus might be able to take him a little more seriously in. Once he had clothes again, he discovered that Tidus was still locked up in the bathroom showering, so he went downstairs to wait, knowing Tidus would have to come down there eventually.


But Tidus didn't come down. He chose to spend the day up in his room instead, hiding, until Auron finally realized that he'd have to go back up there after Tidus and insist on their talking about it. Tidus would fight it at first, perhaps, but there really was no avoiding it. He couldn't let things get awkward between them because of one night, a night that was nothing more than a foolish mistake on his part. He sighed softly to himself, and squared his shoulders, bracing himself for what was to come as he stood, starting to make his way towards the stairs. But when he reached them, looking up, Tidus was sitting there on the landing, knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them protectively. His head was buried in his knees, and all Auron could see was a mop of blond hair. "What are you doing?"

Tidus did not look up, choosing instead to speak to his knees. "Trying to get brave."

"For what?" Auron asked, listening carefully to Tidus' voice. It sounded as if the boy had been crying. He involuntarily clenched his hands into fists, telling himself he should have come after Tidus sooner. Much sooner.

"To go downstairs," came the somewhat muffled reply.

Auron sighed again, and went up the stairs, arranging himself rather awkwardly next to Tidus once he reached the landing; the narrow hallway was really too small for them to both sit comfortably, and Auron didn't usually sit on floors anyways. "Why are you scared to go downstairs?" he asked a bit gruffly once he'd got situated.

Now Tidus did lift his head, and Auron could see he had in fact been crying--the boy's face was red and splotchy with drying tears. "You're mad at me," he said, voice trembling slightly, "for last night."

A third sigh. "I'm mad at me. Not you."

"Why?" Tidus queried, curiously. "It was me... I kept pushing you."

What to say? He'd reached the point of no return now, and he was still clueless on how to put it to Tidus. He'd had hours to think about it, and he'd come up with nothing.

"Auron?" Tidus pressed gently, insistently. Still pushing him, even now. Still wanting more than what he had, always. In that sense, he was nothing like Jecht.

"I meant what I said before." The words came out of his mouth on their own accord, without his realizing what he was going to say. Outwardly, he watched Tidus calmly for a reaction, though inside he was anything but calm. So many different emotions were tumbling around inside him, things he hadn't felt since he'd left Spira, riding Sin to Zanarkand to watch over this boy beside him. And still, overriding everything else was the regret. The regret that would probably never leave him, no matter what happened in the end.

"Before? Which was... what? You said a lot of things before, Auron." It was a somewhat ironic statement, but if Tidus realized that, he didn't seem to care. He had sat up straight now, and the expression on his face as he looked at the older man reflected only seriousness.

"I believe you called them excuses," Auron told him, not wanting to have to say them out loud again, knowing just how foolish they would sound, especially in light of what had taken place last night.

If Tidus was hurt by the words, he didn't show it. His face never changed, for once remaining as stoic and impassive as Auron's. "You still offer them even now?"

"Yes." Because he couldn't afford to offer anything else.

"And Jecht?" Tidus' voice was not quite steady.

"What about him?"

"He has nothing to do with this?"

"No," Auron said, not liking the lie any more than he had the previous times. If he wasn't so afraid that it would completely destroy their relationship, then Auron would have told him. He knew it wasn't fair to keep the truths and secrets about Jecht to himself, to not tell Jecht's own son, but he didn't really see that he had any other choice. Perhaps if Tidus wasn't so intent on hating his father so much, he would have felt more comfortable telling him.

"I still don't know whether or not to believe you on that," Tidus murmured, looking away again.

Auron remained silent on that, knowing that there was nothing he could say that would make Tidus believe him. Nor did he really want to convince him, since it wasn't even true. Still, he was glad the conversation had diverted to Jecht, if only momentarily. Much preferable to talking about the mistake of last night.

Tidus was silent for a bit as well, thinking, head propped up on arms propped up on knees. He seemed content to sit there motionless without a word, while Auron grew uncomfortable beside him. It was almost amusing, to see their roles so reserved.

"Well," Tidus said at last, climbing to his feet. "I'm hungry. I think I'll head downstairs and get something to eat. You comin'?"

Auron only shook his head, and watched him go. So Tidus was going to push it aside, pretend the conversation and the previous night never happened?

It was probably for the best.

end chapter three

Author's Notes: I have no clue when chapter four will come out, so please don't bug me! I'll resume writing once I work out exactly where I want this story to go, because I made the stupid mistake of writing it when I only had a vague idea. Suffice it to say, there will be some Tidus/Yuna in following chapters. Happy holidays!