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American Dad Presents


A Narwhal Puppy Production



The Godmother Part Two and A Half.




One day Roger was alone in the early afternoon watching "Easy Rider." Suddenly, Klaus came into his house all scared looking. Roger said, "Hey Klaus, your home early. That's good! You get to see the drug scene in 'Easy Rider.'"

Klaus said all depressed, "I do not want to see it." Roger said, "Did you have a bad day at the vet when your Aunt took you?" Klaus said "No." Roger said, "I will call and find out". Klaus yelled "NOOOO!!!!" Roger called and said, "Give me Aunt Emilia, Yes, Hello, did Klaus leave the vet early today?" Roger pretends to listen and said, "What?" "Klaus had a bad day?" "What did he do? "What he beat up five doctor's assistants and was in a rage all day?" Roger put down the phone. Just as he did so, Stan came to the attic "I'm telling Stan! He will punish you for this!" Klaus cried.

Roger told Stan the entire story and he yelled at Klaus, "For this your are going see a Caesar Milan type of specialist for fish!!!" Klaus screamed "NO!!!" Just as they began looking up on the Internet for the phone number of a Pet Behavioral specialist, they got breaking news on the Internet. "What is the news?" asked Stan.

Roger turned up the volume to hear that noxious gases were accidentally released at the vet where Aunt Emilia took him to. Thankfully the animals inside all got out in time. Klaus said, "That is the real reason why I had to leave." Stan took the phone and called the vet to ask how the noxious gas was released. When he heard the truth he hung up the phone and looked at Klaus. Stan said, "It was not accident!" Suddenly his eyes got red a'la Michael J Fox in Teen Wolf, and his voice sounded demonic and he yelled: "You released the Gas!" Then he exploded into a nuclear bomb!

Klaus had awaken and screamed. All just a bad dream. Stan and Roger ran into the attic to check on him. His nightmare was quickly forgotten.

"What happened!?" Stan shouted.

"You caused an earthquake that's 9.5 on the Richter Scale with that scream." said Roger.

"Sorry, I just had a terrible nightmare. Worse than Friday The 13th Part Two! Worse than Friday The 13th Part Three!" Klaus said.

"What exactly did you dream?" asks Stan.

"That you guys knew about mein Aunt Emilia." said Klaus in a spur of the moment panic. He didn't bother to explain what really happened in the nightmare he had.

"You never even mentioned you have an Aunt Emilia." implied Stan.

"Her name is Emilia? Like Emilia Clarke the Mother of Dragons from Game of Thrones?". Asks Roger.

"There's a reason why I keep her a secret from you all." answers Klaus.

"What was her personality? Tell us all about her!" said Roger.

Rolling his eyes and sighing Klaus says, "Thought I'd never in a million years would ever talk about her to anyone."

"Go ahead. We won't make fun of you about her." said Roger.

"All right." Klaus starts the story. "It all began when my father was drafted to fight in World War 2. My mother was a military nurse so she too had to leave for war. I had no family around me because they too all had to, you get the idea. The only family I had that wasn't involved in the German army was my Aunt Emilia. I was sent to live with her."

"What was she like?" asked Stan.

Klaus explains, "She was the most strictest, religious tyrannical woman you can ever meet. Worst part about her is? She was a teacher! All she did was make me study. Anything she can get her hands on. She forced me to study history, science, math, The Bible you name it. If I failed, she'd beat the ever loving shit out of me. The only type of solace I found was skiing. Emilia didn't approve of me skiing so she did everything she could to keep me from it. Used to sneak out when she wasn't looking. Thankfully I got away with that. Aunt Emilia, she was like a cross between Carrie's Mom and Rose-Ann from A Patch of Blue."

Roger says, "A teacher, hey? I can picture her being like Jane Seymour in Touching Wild Horses!"

"Nobody knows chick flicks better than you do, Roger!" Klaus fires back.

Stan assures Klaus, "How old would she be now?" "She'd be about 99 this year." said Klaus. Roger pats Klaus on the fin, "Well, she's probably six feet under and pushing up daisies! You never have to worry about her again. If she is still alive, she's probably all hopped up on Alzheimer's."

Roger and Stan leave the attic. "Where are you guys going?"

Stan says, "I'm going to pull an all nighter at the CIA. Then I'm going to sleep all weekend." Roger adds, "That reminds me. I'm going to pull an all nighter too!"

"What job could you possibly have?" asked Klaus to Roger.

"Oh, I like to prostitute myself at night around the seedy part of Chimdale." said Roger.

Stan warns Klaus, "After Roger and I get back from our night shifts, you better not bother us with anything! And I mean ANYTHING!"

Klaus sighs depressed, "All right, fine. When you both get back, I'll pretend like you don't exist." Going to check his email.

Klaus was about to be in for the total shock of his life. "Hmmm, email addressed to me? Maybe it's my Ferrari driving friends who want to take me to have fun again."

Clicking the email icon on the computer, Klaus yelps because he sees who the email is from. "NNEEEIIINNN!! NOT HER! PLEASE NOT HER! ANYBODY BUT HER!"

The email was indeed from Klaus's aunt Emilia.


It reads, "DEAR KLAUS. TO MY SPOILED BRAT AND DEFIANT NEPHEW. I'M GOING TO BE COMING OVER FOR THE WEEKEND. IF YOU CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL, YOU'D COME AND PICK ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT RIGHT NOW! WHEN I COME, I'M GOING TO SET YOU STRAIGHT AND FIX YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL. THEN YOU WILL BECOME THE COMPLIANT OBEDIENT NEPHEW I'VE ALWAYS WANTED YOU TO BE. I MAY BE 99 YEARS OLD, BUT I CAN STILL PUNISH WITH INCREDIBLE STRENGTH! SO GET READY! WHEN I COME, YOU'RE IN FOR A WHIPPING! Sincerely yours. Your loving Aunt Emilia."

Klaus cries as he called an Uber cab to pick her up from the airport.

At the airport, an Uber come to pick up an old lady.Who resembled the typical old grandma that one can see the movies and cartoons. "WHAT! WHERE'S KLAUS! I ASKED FOR MY NEPHEW! WHY DIDN'T HE COME! WHAT THE FUCK IS AN UBER!"

The Uber driver said, "The dude who called me said he couldn't drive because he was a fish or something."

"That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard! That does sound like my nephew all right!" Aunt Emilia ranted.

The Uber was headed straight to The Smith Family House. Klaus awaited his Aunt Emilia's arrival with knots in his stomach.




*


A pounding knock was heard at the door. Klaus rushed to answer it the best that he could. Then Klaus uses a cane to open the front door. Right before his eyes, he saw her. His strict and abusive Aunt Emilia.

"KLAUS! KLAUS! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, NOW!" she shouted.

"Uh, Guten Tag, Aunt Emilia! Here I am your favorite nephew, Klaus!" says Klaus.

"I don't see you! Where the hell are you?" Emilia screamed.

"Uh, down here!" Klaus said. Emilia looked down and she sees nothing but a goldfish.

"All I see is a pathetic goldfish. I demand to see my nephew!" Emilia yelled.

"Uhh, I am your nephew. I'm a goldfish now!" Klaus tries to tell her.

Emilia finally comes to the realization that her nephew Klaus was now goldfish.

With fright in his eyes, and the past coming back to haunt him, Klaus says, "Hey, heh heh, how've you been all these years since we last meet?"

"A goldfish who's speaking in my nephew's voice!" Emilia glanced at Klaus in an subtle way.

"Yes, it's me! I'm a goldfish now!" Klaus said.

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN! WHO IN THE FUCK TURNED YOU INTO A GOLDFISH!" Emilia shouted.

"Well, let's see here. I was an Olympic Skiier in the 1986 Winter Olympics......." Klaus explains.

"HA! SKIING! That's what lead to do become a goldfish! I knew skiing was trouble for you! If you had stayed away from skiing like I wanted you to, you never would've became a goldfish in the first place!" Emilia rants to Klaus.

"Nein, nein. Skiing had nothing to do with it. The CIA captured me and put mein body into a fish, while I was skiing." said Klaus.

"HA! A likely story! You could've listened to my warning about skiing, but did you? NO! So typical of you, Klaus! Or should I say atypical! Never hears and does anything he's told!" Emilia said.

Klaus stammers, "Guess you're going to give me a to-do list now, right?"

"Wrong!" Emilia spits out. She carried Klaus into the living room. Klaus protests, "PLEASE! PLEASE! Whatever you're going to do with me. Don't do it! I'm way too old for this shit! Quoting Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Ever seen those movies?"

Emilia hands him a wooden cross, hammer, and nails. "What I want you to do is, nail your skis to this cross! NOW!"

"But...but....my skiing equipment was confiscated! All because this family I'm from had connections to....." Klaus was cut off.

"Always trying yo defend yourself, aren't you! There's got to be some skiing equipment around here somewhere for you to nail to the cross!" Emilia said.

"There isn't any!" Klaus tries to yell at her. Emilia slaps Klaus in the fish bowl, "Don't yell at me! I make the rules around here! You need to respect that, young man! Or fish!"

"Why do you want me to nail skis to the cross?" asked Klaus. "To atone for your sins of being such a flouting little boy when you were living with me!" Emilia said.

"No! I'm not going to nail anything to the cross!" Klaus said. "Okay, why not nail me to the cross, instead! Or better idea, Jesus! Don't you see what you're going to Jesus by resisting me!" Emilia yelled.

Klaus begins to sob. History was repeating itself for the unfortunate goldfish. "I suppose you're going to force me to be math problems now! Or spelling! How I hated spelling! You always hit mein hand when I spelled things wrong."

Emilia ignores Klaus's cries and asks, "Why didn't you come to pick me up at the airport yourself? Instead of calling an UBER! You know I hate taxis! Have you forgotten taxis cost MONEY!"

"Goldfish can't drive." said Klaus. "Some things never change! Anytime I ask you to do something, you never what you're told!" Emilia said.

"That's not true! Everytime you told me to do something, trust me! I did it!" Klaus pleaded. "I have no memory of you doing the things I told you do." Aunt Emilia said.

"I did!" Klaus said. "OKay. Then prove it! Show me to your bedroom and make a bed for me!" Emilia ordered.

"Of course! Come right this way!" Klaus said having his Aunt Emilia follow him to the attic. Emilia watches as Klaus tried to make a bed for her. "This is the only bed we have right now. This'll have to do." Klaus tells his aunt who had to sleep in Roger's bed.

"Fine! It's over for the night. Come tomorrow, I'm going to show you the time of your life!" Emilia warns Klaus giving him an evil eye stare. Klaus gulped in fear and he and his aunt went to bed for the night. Klaus tells her, "I have two friends named Stan and Roger. They'll help me get you out of my life!" "Yeah, I don't see these friends of yours around! GO TO SLEEP!" shouted Aunt Emilia.

"Save me, Stan and Roger." Klaus cries, swallowing some Tylenol PM.

Klaus knew he was in for a long night. It'll be 10 hours before Stan or Roger will come home from their all nighter shifts at their jobs.




*




The next morning, Stan and Roger came home from their night shifts. The both of them were ready for a weekend of nothing but sleep.

Or is it?

"Nothing like working the graveyard shift, hey Roger! I feel more manlier than ever before!" brags Stan.

"Wouldn't you know it, dude! We'll be like those folks from the Nyquil commercials." said Roger.

Stan's and Roger's plans to sleep the whole weekend were about to reach a roadblock when Klaus comes to them.

"Woah, Klaus. You don't look so good. Did you work a night shift too?" Stan said. Roger cracks up, "He probably worked one at General Hospital!"

"STOP! ENOUGH OF THE JOKES!" said Klaus. "All right, you seem serious here. What's going on?" asked Stan.

"You'll never believe who I just got an email from and who's come to visit!" said Klaus.

Roger says, "Wait, don't tell me, Camila Cabello, right? I'd like to fuck her in her Cabana!"

"Wish it was her. Someone much much worse!" Klaus said. "Don't keep us in suspense, tell us already! We want to sleep for the next two days!" Stan said. "And nothing is going to stop us!" Roger said.

"It's my Aunt Emilia! She's here right now! In the flesh!" Klaus screeches.

Stan and Roger walk off, "Wish we could help you here, fish. I don't believe you anyway." said Roger. "It'll have to wait for now. Tell us in two days." Stan said yawning.

"Please! Please! Come back! Come back! You don't understand! I hate Aunt Emilia! I fucking hate her! She's a total piece of shit! She ruined my childhood! Why can't the two of you get those pills Stan got from the CIA that keep you awake all night and you both can help me get rid of her!" Klaus protests, but Roger and Stan both ignore his cries for help.

What Klaus didn't know was Aunt Emilia was watching him and she actually heard her nephew tell Stan and Roger how he truly felt about her.

"That hateful little asshole! I'll teach him a thing or two about a thing or two!" Aunt Emilia mutters to herself.

Feeling abandoned, Klaus talks to himself, "Should've known that they weren't going to come to my aid." Wheeling himself in his fishbowl, Klaus tries to head to the living room. Only to be stopped by Aunt Emilia. Who did her signature pose when she was upset with Klaus. Standing with feel shoulder width apart with her arms on her hips.

"Good morning, Aunt Emilia. How do you like your visit here in America and Langley Falls so far!" Klaus greets her.

"Cut the bullshit you bastard! You ain't foolin' anyone!" said Aunt Emilia.

"Whatever are you talking about?" Klaus trembled nervously.

"I listened in on you talking to your friends, Stan and Roger. I heard something very interesting that you said to them!" said Aunt Emilia.

"I told them you were here and...." Klaus said.

Aunt Emilia closed in on Klaus's face and growls, "Did you just tell Stan and Roger that you hated me?!"

Klaus denies it no matter how hard he tries, "Oh, no no no. Why would I say that? I love you! You took me in during the World War 2 and..."

"NOT ANOTHER WORD! Quiet your mouth" Aunt Emilia screams at her goldfish nephew who then slaps his bowl with a fly swatter.

Klaus cries but he was totally speechless. "Want to know the real reason I came here to visit you?" Aunt Emilia asks.

"No, why?" sobs Klaus. "So I can beat the devil out of you! That way, you can be the nephew I always wanted you to be! A Catholic Priest!" Aunt Emilia said.

"I never wanted to be that. I wanted to be a skiier!" Klaus tells her. "Yeah, look where that's gotten you in life! Like the old saying goes, 'revenge is best served cold!" Aunt Emilia said with an evil gleam in her eye. "Also, Honor thy mother and thy father. In this case, me! Your aunt". Aunt Emilia added.

"Revenge? You kept telling me revenge is a sin!" Klaus says. "We Catholics are very vengeful, you know that! Make some steaks for dinner." said Aunt Emilia.

Klaus going to the stove and takes out some steaks thawing in the fridge and cooks the steaks on a stove. "Okay. Now what? Anything to make you think I don't hate you!" Klaus said.

"Now that you've said you hated me, there's no going back now. I know the tone in your voice when you told them. That was the tone of truth! For that, I am spending every minute to make sure your weekend is a living hell! For all three of you!" cackled Aunt Emilia.

Klaus hyperventilated, "You mean, you're going to go after Stan and Roger?" "Exactly!" said Aunt Emilia who heads upstairs. "NO! NO! NO! As we Germans say, "Halt! Halt! Halt!"

Stan was sleeping in his bedroom, and Aunt Emilia opens the bedroom door. "AAAAHHH! Terrorists!" Aunt Emilia says to Stan, "What I am about to do is going to be way worse than any terrorist ever could!" Stan eyes her, "So you're the famous Aunt Emilia Klaus told us about!"

"How did you guess!" said Aunt Emilia.

Stan tries to stand up to her, "Get the fuck out of here! You have no right to barge in here. What do you think this is? The Movie Panic Room? I was up all night working at my CIA job."

Aunt Emilia grabs Stan by the ear and drag him into the kitchen. Stan yells at the pain she was causing him. Klaus looks at Stan with dismay. "Hey, Stan." said Klaus. Aunt Emilia tells Stan, "Now you are about to witness what an ungrateful selfish shit ass my nephew really is!" Klaus sneezes while he was cooking the steaks, but he sneezes away from the steaks. Stan whispers to Klaus, "No mystery that you hate her, Klaus." "She thinks I'm the problem. It's always me! Never her. Me!" Klaus whispers back. Stan whispers again, "Don't worry. I'll think of a way to kick her out."

"Did you just sneeze on the steaks?" Aunt Emilia seethes. "I sneezed away!" Klaus said. "You better. I hope so." Aunt Emilia said.

"We have Stan here, now where is this one named Roger!" said Aunt Emilia. Klaus gives in, "In the attic!" "Good. Now you can see your little heroes become helpless under my power!" Aunt Emilia laughs as she gets Roger out of the attic.




*




Hours gone by. Stan and Roger were being sleep deprived. After the steak dinner, Aunt Emilia now had a captive audience. Klaus blamed himself for the whole thing.

Aunt Emilia was circling around the living room. Stan and Roger were staring at her nervously as they were sitting on the couch. "I'm so so sorry for this, Stan! I had no idea...." Klaus pleads for forgiveness. "I forgive you for this, Klaus. You're lucky I'm a Christian." Stan said.

"Christians are so fucking stupid! Catholicism is the best religion!" Aunt Emilia says. "Whatever you say, bitch!" Roger snarks at her.

"Shut your shit hole! All of you!" Aunt Emilia shouts at the three of them. "Uhh, where are you going with this?" asked Stan.

"I called you all here today to you the truth. The honest to goodness truth about my rancid, wicked satanic nephew, Klaus." said Aunt Emilia.

"Maybe this won't be so bad after all. I can learn about Klaus's past for future blackmail." Roger thinks to himself.

"Satanic? You think Klaus is possessed?" said Stan. "She does think so. I won't lie. She's even sent me to an exorcist." Klaus tries to tell.

Aunt Emilia points to her mouth as a signal for Klaus to keep his mouth shut! "I'm doing the talking here! Sure Klaus here has told you all about me. I'd gather he's told you nothing but horrible terrible lies about what an evil bitch I was to him! Am I right! TELL ME! AM I RIGHT!"

"Nope, not at all. Klaus hasn't mentioned you for as long as we knew him." Stan said.

"It's true. He didn't mention you up until now!" said Roger.

Klaus tries to speak up, "I had a dream that involved you....."

"Oh, in this dream did I beat you up?" Aunt Emilia said. "No, you were just mentioned. I don't recall the rest!" said Klaus.

"Well, I don't care. I'm about to tell you all a disturbing story about how my nephew tried to prank me once!" Aunt Emilia announced.

Roger snickers, Stan mouths the words, 'Stop it' to Roger.

"Whatever you do, don't believe her!" Klaus said. "You will believe once I tell you what Klaus tried to do to me once!" Aunt Emilia said.

"Okay, all right. You win. You can tell us the story." Roger said.

"It all started when Klaus was eleven. He was staying with me because I was the only available relative to take him in when World War 2 was breaking out. One day I was minding my own business. Praying to my Jesus Statue. What I didn't know was Klaus was in the other room with a bunch of water balloons. As I was praying, doing my work for the Lord....."

Roger begins to laugh to himself.

Aunt Emilia goes on, "A felt something hit my back. I turned around, and I saw a black stain on the floor, and I freaked the fuck out when some of the black stuff was on my clothes! Then another water balloon hit me. And another...and another...and another! I looked to see who it was. Turned out to be Klaus.

Then he hit me with another water balloon. I got up to get away from him, after that he tripped me. I started to limp. I could barely walk. He looked at me with such hatred in his eyes and he threw the last of the water balloons in my face and I called the hospital to come and take me. You have no idea how badly hurt I was from that."

"What was the black stuff inside the water balloons? Do you remember?" asked Roger.

"It was tar! Black tar! Isn't that correct, dear nephew!" Aunt Emilia darted her eyes at Klaus.

"I would've never done that to you. I was too afraid to even hurt you in that way! You're remembering it wrong. It was really British Soldiers who did that to you!" Klaus recalls.

"Yeah, sure. Blame the British! That always was your go-to alibi, wasn't it!" Aunt Emilia said as she went on, "Anytime you did something bad to me, you always used some non existent British Solider to get away with all the cruel, sadistic things you did to me!"

Stan said, "I'm speaking for Klaus here. There's no way a child, especially one who's scared of someone within the likes of you would ever do such a thing. So maybe it was a British Solider."

"Thanks for siding with me, Stan." Klaus thanked him. "NO! Klaus has been a menance to me since he first came to live with me. Want to hear another story...." Aunt Emilia said. Roger said, "I'm up for it!"

"Don't do it! Please! No more stories! She's telling lies! She's the villain here, not me!" Klaus tells Stan and Roger.

"VILLAIN! I'm A VILLAIN! You're a bad guy here, not me! How you can say I'm a villain after all I've done for you. I fed you, clothed you, protected you from Nazis, educated you. You were always a bad apple, then you became even more so when you discovered skiing!" As Aunt Emilia was laying to Klaus, Stan and Roger sneaked away to get some sleep.

Klaus just let his aunt yell at him in hopes she will tire out. Stan and Roger are in his bedroom. "We need a plan." said Stan. "Great. You're always relying on me to get us out of this pickle!" Roger said.

"You're the one who's good at schemes." said Stan. Roger agrees, "You're right. That Aunt of Klaus's is like a demented version of Jane Fonda in Mother In Law."

Stan and Roger were about to conjure up a plan to be rid of Aunt Emilia, but they fell asleep on Stan's bed instead. "Guess'll have to wait until....." dozed off Stan. "Hey, Stan wait for...." Roger dozed off as well.

Aunt Emilia tells off Klaus even more, "If it weren't for me. You'd be brainwashed into doing evil and probably get caught and end up in a pound my ass prison!" Klaus tried to stand up to her, "Good! I'd rather be in prison than to have lived with you!"

"Oh is that so?" said Aunt Emilia. "You made my childhood a living hell." Klaus shouted. "I was only hard on you because I cared about you so much! Well, now that Stan and Roger know the truth about you....." Aunt Emilia carried on.

"Jokes on you, bitch! Stan told you he was on my side about that water balloon thing." Klaus said.

"Bullshit! Stan and Roger don't really like you. I can tell. I'm a great judge of character. Stan and Roger use you. Thanks to me, Stan and Roger know the verity of my flashback of when you hurt me. In the most vicious way possible I might add, they know just how much of a insolent, malicious, horrible, vindictive, empty shell of a person or fish or whatever it is you are, that you really are." Aunt Emilia looks at Klaus with an evil smirk.

Klaus again tries to tell her off, "Well, that story you told was nothing but cockamamie......." Then Klaus begins to cry. "Crying won't solve anything! It won't change the fact that I'm the only one in the world who's ever going to love you!" Aunt Emilia cackles.

Noticing Stan and Roger were gone. "Where the fuck did they go! I'll get them back!" Aunt Emilia said.

"Aunt Emilia, they left because they were tired! You kept them from sleeping." reminds Klaus.

"That's not true. Stan and Roger left because they couldn't stand how bad you are. Now I shall get them back to torment them some more! I did keep my promise for revenge after you told them you hated me! That's still fresh in my memory!" Aunt Emilia laughs like a maniac as she ran upstairs to go after Stan and Roger.

"Someone always comes along to save the Smith family! Either that, or something has to happen to make this all better. Something's Gotta Give! And I'm not talking about the Jack Nicholson movie!" Klaus said holding onto some desire that Aunt Emilia will soon be gone from their lives.




*


Stan and Roger were in a deep sleep. Still tired from their night shift jobs. Even more so after Aunt Emilia emotionally abused them. Stan and Roger were soon in for more of it. Aunt Emilia burst into Stan's room and began to play the accordion. Woken by the noise, Stan and Roger try to to run away, but Aunt Emilia closes the door on them.

"You thought you can escape me, hey? Nobody can get away from me and my accordion!" Aunt Emilia laughs. Growing madder by the minute Stan and Roger just glared at her with such resentment in their eyes. Aunt Emilia begins to sing Bible songs, "I once was lost, but now I'm found! Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound!"

Klaus tries to climb up the stairs as best he could. "Must....save.....Stan and Roger....."

Being driven insane by Aunt Emilia's accordion music, Stan shrieks, "SSSSHHHHUUUUTTTT UUUUUUUPPPPPP!" Aunt Emilia then begins to sing Kumbaya. "Kumbaya My Lord! Kumbaya! Kumbaya My Lord! Kumbaya!" Roger shouted to Stan, "Stan, you're a CIA Agent! Isn't there anything you can do about this?" "There is one thing I can do." said Stan. "What is it, please make it stop soon! I hate the accordion!" Roger complains.

"I remember I called for help when he had that Halloween Haunted House with those serial killers, I'll try that." suggested Stan. Opening the window in his bedroom, Stan screamed for someone to hear him, "HHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP! We're being held hostage by an insane old lady! Call the police!"

Greg, Buckle, Al Tuttle, The Memerais, Father Donovan and Chuck White all looked at Stan as if he were a lunatic and laughed at him.

Shutting the window in a rageful way. Stan says, "Fat lot of support I got!" Roger screeched, "QQQQUUUUIIIIIIEEEEETTTTTTT!" Aunt Emilia stops for a minute.

"The more you yell at me. The more I'll play!" Aunt Emilia says to Stan and Roger as she went on to play more Bible Songs on her accordion. Now she was singing, "Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam" that was until Stan's bedroom door from outside knocked Aunt Emilia onto the floor. It was Klaus.

"I'm here to save you!" Klaus said. "Klaus! Thank the stars you made it! I'll never bully again!" Roger said being overly thankful. "How did you make it up the stairs?" asked Stan.

"It was pretty easy, actually. I threw my bowl on each stair and flipped into it." Klaus said. "That's going to leave a watery mess! Oh hell. It could be taken care of. That's what I have Francine for." said Stan.


Aunt Emilia was knocked out from Klaus bumping the door on her. Stan, Roger, and Klaus all hovered around her to see if she was still alive.

"Is she dead?" asked Roger. "It's an acceptable loss if she is." said Stan. "You're telling me, dude. It's very good you guys never knew her like I did." said Klaus. Checking for a pulse, Stan grabs Aunt Emilia's wrist and she automatically wakes up. "AH HA!" she shouted.

Stan, Roger, and Klaus all yelped in surprise. "What? Did you think I was dead? Who was the ass bastard who bumped the door into me?" Aunt Emilia demanded.

"ME!" Klaus said. Aunt Emilia turns around, "Should've known it was you. You always thought you were better than me. You always had it in for me and plotted my demise!"

"Everything you have ever said was a lie! Lies to keep me afraid and dependent on you! Then and even now!" Klaus said shaking his fin at his aunt.

"Are you trying to double cross me, boy?" Aunt Emilia said. "As we German's always say, JA!" Klaus snaps back.

"When I'm gone, do you think Stan and Roger are going to remain your friends? The sooner you realize that they don't give a flying shit about you the better!" said Aunt Emilia.

Roger decides to intercede, "Although you basically plagued us with that accordion music, what made you decide to play?"

Stan said in a skittish tone, "Don't encourage her, please!" Roger whispers, "Trust me. I know what I'm doing."

Aunt Emilia says, "I've been playing since I was a little girl. It was my passion. My big dream was to join a German Marching Band. Then I had to give up on it when World War 2 broke out and I took in Klaus. Anyway, Klaus was the reason why I gave up my dream...."

"So, you were mad about the Holocaust, and you took it all out on Klaus because you were forced to give up your dream?" asked Stan.

"How ever did you guess?" asks Aunt Emilia who was playing the victim card. "I'm a CIA Agent. I know a thing or two about psychology." Stan said.

"You know, it's never too late to follow your dream! Hell, here in America we have these musical talent shows called Reality TV. You ought to sign up for this one show called America's Got Talent and show them your accordion skills." Roger suggests.

"I can? You mean...." Aunt Emilia stammers. "Exactly. A great way to start is to play on our front lawn!" said Roger. Aunt Emilia was so excited about playing her accordion. "Yes, and while you're out there, I'll contact America's Got Talent! With any luck, you'll be the new Susan Boyle!" Roger called out to her.

Stan asks, "What is the plan here?" "I'm going to make her think America's Got Talent is on their way to pick her up. But it's really a mental hospital!" snickers Roger.

"Oh Roger! You are my hero! I love you for this!" Klaus said. Stan cheers, "Roger you're brilliant! I knew you had something to get us out of this!" Stan then uses his cellphone to call the Mental Hospital.

Klaus tells Aunt Emilia, "Okay, Aunt Emilia, you can start playing now!" Agreeing to play, Aunt Emilia begins to dance around and play the accordion.

"BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! OH! OH! MY! BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY....."

"Not very good with coming up with her own lyrics, is she?" asked Roger. Aunt Emilia dances all around the front yard singing her song. A van was driving down the street. Stan, Roger, and Klaus all ran outside. The three of them were greeted by the men in the white suits.

"Is this that old as shit nutjob you were telling us about?" asked one of the men. "She's right over here!!" pointed Stan. "Yours for the taking!" said Roger. Klaus follows the men in the white suits and tells them stories of how Aunt Emilia abused him.

Roger calls out to the men, "Pretend to be talent agents!"

"Ohh, okay." said one of the men. Approaching Aunt Emilia who was still singing on top of her lungs, "BABY BABY BABY....." "Excuse me, miss!" said one of the men.

"What can I do for you finegentlemen?" asked Aunt Emilia.

"We're uhhh, talent scouts."

"We can't help but notice you're really super awesome at that accordion?"

"Really? Will you guys help me achieve my dream that I was denied so many years ago?" Aunt Emilia said with delightness in her eyes.

"You know it, lady! Come with us! We're taking you to Hollywood!"

"Oh, and you can still sing when we show you to our van...I mean....car!"

Aunt Emilia was ecstatic as she was following the two men into the van. Totally clueless that she was actually on her way to a mental hospital.

Walking by, Stan, Roger, and Klaus watch as Aunt Emilia was being lead away into the van by the men in the white suits. Still carrying on, "BABY! BABY BABY!" Her singing was soon silenced as the van slammed shut and drove down the street on route to the insane asylum!

"WE DID IT! BY GOLLY WE DID IT!" Roger cheers. "NO MORE AUNT EMILIA!" "FUCK YOU, BITCH! BURN IN HELL!" Stan, Roger, and Klaus all cheer and jump up and down because they were so happy to finally be do away with Aunt Emilia who will rot in the asylum until she dies. Klaus was very relieved that his aunt was finally out of the picture and out of his life.

However, the bad memories will forever remain.

"We should've sent her to Arkham Asylum like in Batman!" jokes Roger. "Good one, Roger! Aunt Emilia would've made a great Batman or James Bond villain!" Klaus said.

Stan just remembered something, "Great news. I even have Monday off too. You know what that means."

"What does it mean?' asked Klaus.

"We can sleep for three whole days!" Stan said.

"Sounds awesome to me! I'm in, dude!" Roger says.

"Saturday is still young! Hey, Roger. Is Dr. Penguin available?" asked Klaus.

"Sure he is, why?" Roger asked Klaus.

"I want to talk to him about more memories I had with Aunt Emilia." said Klaus.

"It's the only way to heal. Come by on Tuesday!" said Roger.

Klaus has decided to talk to Dr. Penguin about his bad memories with Aunt Emilia. Until then, Stan, Roger, and Klaus will now spend a three day weekend doing nothing but sleeping.

They all earned it after all the unholy hell Stan, Roger, and Klaus have been though.

Meanwhile, on a mountain top with lightening striking all around. Aunt Emilia finds herself in a padded room.

"WAIT WHAT IS THIS! I WAS PROMISED TO GO TO HOLLYWOOD! THIS ISN'T LA! THIS IS A PADDED ROOM! WHAT KIND OF SICK SHIT IS THIS!" Aunt Emilia screams.

A man in a doctors outfit says, "You abused your nephew. You are where you belong! So make the most of it!"

"KLAUS! KLAUS! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER! I WILL FUCKING KICK YOU ASS FOR THIS! I HATE YOU, KLAUS! YOU'RE THE WORST NEPHEW NEVER! THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR SOUL! I'LL BE BACK TO REFORM YOU SOMEDAY! JUST WAIT!"

The exterior of the insane asylum was being shown as Aunt Emilia vows to break out and escape some day to track down Klaus and plot a terrible retaliation on him.

What she didn't know was, Aunt Emilia was never going to see Klaus again. Her plans of revenge will never happen.



The End


The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!