Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

One Castle Three Scotts No Beer

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

Brian and Stewie help Chris with a Geography Report about Scotland.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Published: 2020-09-24 - 4474 words - Complete


Family Guy

Fanfic Title:

One Castle Three Scotts No Beer

Scene 1:

Chris Griffin was in his bedroom. Struggling with his geography homework. His assignment is to do a report on a country that's located in Great Britain. The country of choice was Scotland. Brian and Stewie were nearby hearing Chris moan and groan.

Brian: What's going on with Chris?

Stewie: You didn't know? He's struggling with his geography homework.

Chris: BWWAAHH! Homework is freaking shit! Why does it have to be so hard!

Brian: Should we do something to help him?

Stewie: Of course we will. Come on let's go.

Brian and Stewie enter Chris's bedroom.

Stewie: What seems to be the problem, Chris?

Chris: I have a report due tomorrow about Scotland. No matter how hard I try to write the report, I never do enough!

Brian: Woah, James Woods, I mean Adam West High sure puts unrealistic expectations on their students.

Chris: The teacher wants us to know everything about the country we're doing the assignment on. Everything from politics, history, law, natural resources, cost of living you name it.

Stewie: No wonder you're struggling to keep up. You're like that 1980s era teenager from the Encyclopedia Britannica commercials.


The scene changes to an empty room with a desk and Donavan Freberg was doing some schoolwork while talking to a voice over.

Voice Over: What are you studying there?

Donavan Freberg: Rocket Fuel!

Voice Over: What is Rocket Fuel made of?

Donavan Freberg: Look it up, man!

Voice Over: (mocking voice): Look it up, man!

Donavan Freberg: You shut the hell up! I'll look it up with the new Encyclopedia Britannica! I'm sure to be a B!

Voice Over: Why not an A?

Donavan Freberg: Oh what? A B is not as good as an A? What're you, my father! FUCK YOU! Get off my ass and let me study!

[End of Cutaway]

Chris covered his head with his arms and cried.

Stewie: We helped you before, we'll be happy to help you again!

Chris: I don't want any help! I don't want to have to do this at all!

Brian: We all have things we need to do in life that we don't want to do.

Stewie: You certainly don't want to be a high school dropout, do you?

Chris: Okay, I give up. You guys can help me. Anything to get this report done.

Brian: They say life experience is the best education.

Chris: What are you talking about, Brian?

Stewie: We could make you watch Bravehart. Or better. How about we take you to Scotland.

Chris: Really? You mean it?

Stewie: Absolutely! If you are really there, you can learn a lot just by visiting!

Brian: It could give you some inspiration to ace your report!

Chris: All right! Scotland here we come!

Brian: Wait a minute? How are we going to get there, a plane? A boat?

Stewie: Got you covered there, Brian. We'll go on a Teleporter I invented!

Chris and Brian were being lead by Stewie to his bedroom.

Scene 2:

Inside Stewie's bedroom, he opens his closet full of weapons and puts a blindfold on Chris before the enter. Stewie did not want anyone in the family expect Brian to know about his 'weapons room.'

Chris: Dude, what's with the blindfold?

Stewie: Uhh, I don't want you to know where I keep my Teleporter!

Brian: Nice move, Stewie. You don't want it to fall into the wrong hands! (laughs)

Still leading the way to the Teleporter, Stewie opens another secret door to a hidden room. Inside was the Teleporter. Brian takes off Chris's blindfold.

Chris: So this is a Teleporter? You must watch a lot of Star Trek!

Stewie: Steve Jobs did too. Now everyone inside. I'll set coordinates to Scotland.

Brian: It'll be nice to visit. There's lot of castles there. Rich in history.

Stewie set up the Teleporter to have the three of them go to Scotland. Inside the Teleporter, Brian, Chris, and Stewie disappear in a flash. Seconds later, they end up in Scotland in the middle of a field.

Chris: Wow! That Teleporter is awesome! You know now you can trust me with it.

Stewie: Never can be too sure.

Brian (sighs contentedly): Will you look at this? So we're in Scotland? Can't wait to hit the bars here!

Stewie: Let's wait until after we help Chris with his report. All right. If we want to blend in, we'll have to dress like Scottsmen so people won't think we're tourists.

Brian: Got it!

Walking out of the field and into a city, Brian, Chris, and Stewie go into a clothing store and get some Scottish uniforms.

Brian: Now all we need is a place to stay the night.

Stewie: There's a place right there!

What Stewie pointed to was a castle. Not just any castle. It was Glenheather Castle. On top of a grassy mountain.

Chris (gulp): Can't we just find a hotel instead?

Stewie (looking at his cellphone): According to this, the castle up ahead is called Glenheather Castle. It's rumored to be haunted but it's the only place in Scotland that allows it's guests to stay for free.

Brian: Better to stay in a castle for free instead of paying extra money for a hotel!

Chris: Ohh...okay.

Stewie: What's the matter Chris?

Chris: I don't take too kindly to castles very much.

Brian: What's wrong with the castle?

Chris: Uhhh, I'd rather just keep that to myself.

Stewie: Just be lucky we're not in Massachusetts staying in the Inn where Lizzie Borden killed her parents.

Chris: At least that sounds better than a castle.

Brian: Hey, we're going to that castle and that's it!

Chris: Ohhh! Why did I agree to come here?

Brian: There's a lot of worse things to endure. We're not back home in a recording studio listening to Peter fuck up a Jonathan Edwards song.


The scene changes to a recording studio with Peter and Jonathan Edwards.

Peter: Wow! Jonathan Edwards! It is so Holy Freaking Sweet to be playing a song with you!

Jonathan Edwards: The pleasure is mine, Mr. Griffin. Now, the song we're doing is called Shanty.

Peter: You mean The Friday song?

Jonathan Edwards: Yep that's the one. This is the part of the song where you do the harmonica solo. You ready?

Peter: Ready as I'll ever be!

Jonathan Edwards: Take it away.

Peter plays the harmonica solo on the song Shanty and played it too fast and the notes sounded too long.

Jonathan Edwards: STOP! STOP! STOP! Not like that! You gotta play with soul!

Peter: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to get a good buzz on.

[End of Cutaway]

Scene 3:

Chris, Stewie, and Brian were all in Glenheather Castle. It was vacant and empty with nobody around.

Stewie: Gosh, where the fuck is everybody? Can we get some service or some male prostitutes or something?

Chris was moaning in fear.

Brian: Stand back, I'll try to get somebody here. (calling out and echoing) TODAY'S FEATURE PRESENTATION IS SHALLOW HALL, TICKETS ON SALE....

Stewie hits Brian in the ribs.

Brian: That was uncalled for! I just trying to be funny!

Stewie: Cut the comedy, Brian! Or else Chris will forget about his report and think this is a fun trip!

Chris (sees a figure): Here comes someone now.

Stewie: Before we proceed, why don't you like castles?

Brian: Yes tell us. You can trust us. We won't judge.

Chris: Because they say there's a lot of ghosts in castles. Ever seen The Haunting?

Brian: That's ridiculous.

Stewie: There's nothing to be afraid. Not a damned thing.

The figure who walked upon them was a butler.

Butler: You three must be guests looking to stay the night.

Brian: That's why we're here.

Butler: The Earl will see you now. Come along.

Chris: Earl! (laughs) Like that song that lady sang from The Man With Two Brains! Duke of Earl!


The scene changes to Steve Martin as Dr. Michael Hfuhruhhurr with a woman named Fran who were both in a hotel room.

Fran (Singing): Duke Duke Duke Duke of Earl Earl Earl! Duke of Earl Earl Earl Earl.....

Dr. Michael (taking out a syringe): Maybe this'll make her brain die first!

[End of Cutaway]

The Butler has Brian, Stewie, and Chris follow him up a staircase.

Chris: Hey, guys. Is my slip showing?

Stewie (smacks Chris): NO! Get a move on!

Brian: It's not a skirt it's a kilt. Wearing it is a Scottish custom.

Stewie: Maybe _my_ slip is showing. If you catch my "draft". (laughs hysterically)

Brian: Geez Stewie. What happened to the 'no comedy' rule you enforced on us?

Stewie: Only I can do the jokes.

Brian (sighs and rolls his eyes) Have it your way.

The Butler leads the three to a room. The man at the desk was the Earl.

Earl: Welcome Lads to Glenheather Castle. How can I be of your service today?

Stewie (Scottish Accent): We are very happy to be here. We need a place to stay for the night.

Earl: You came to the right place lads!

A Chambermaid enters the room. Her name was Lorna.

Earl: But first, meet my chambermaid. Lorna McDune!

Brian, Stewie, and Chris were smitten with her.

Lorna: Hello.

Chris: Hi, Lorna! How ya doon!

Stewie slaps Chris.

Earl: Gentlemen, tell me what brings you here.

Stewie: We are here to help this teenage boy with a geography report. Allow us to introduce ourselves. I'm McStewie, and this is McBrian, and McChris!

Chris: And I'm a McRib!

Stewie slaps Chris again.

Brian: We're here to stay here for the night, then we want to take Chris around so he can learn about your culture.

Earl: You're on the right track here. But I shall return in a few hours for I'm off to a gathering at the Panths!

Chris: You mean Black Panther, right?

Stewie (stomps on Chris's foot): Enough! Be serious!

Chris: Say listen, Mr. Earl. Are there any ghosts here?

Brian: Just tell him that there isn't.

Earl: No way. That was only a rumor!

The Butler whispers something into the Earl's ear.

Earl: WHAT?! My gathering is now? This minute?

Butler: Yes, sir. Your taxi is waiting.

The Earl rushes out of the castle to get his taxi. The Butler has Brian, Stewie, and Chris get settled into their room.

Scene 4:

Once they were in their assigned room, Brian was getting ready for bed. Stewie and Chris decide to explore.

Butler (to Brian): You'll find yourself quite comfortable when the cold clammy wind folds you over the Moors like a lost soul. Good night.

Brian: Yeah, whatever. Goodnight.

Butler: Sweet dreams. (about to exit the room): And if you want anything. Just wail, hmmm?

The Butler left the hotel room. Which had Brian and Chris feeling unsettled.

Brian: Like...a lost soul. Just like Heathcliff and Catherine in Wuthering Heights.


Heathcliff and Catherine were ghosts floating around the Moors.

Catherine: Any way out of these Moors, dumbass?

Heathcliff: I don't know. I thought you knew your way around.

[End of Cutaway]

Brian: Know what? I'm not tired. I mean, if I'm sleeping, who's going to keep you out of trouble?

Stewie (pulling on Brian's ear): Go on, get into bed!

Brian: (yelps) You're a baby. You should be the one sleeping, not me!

Stewie: No you're going to sleep. While you're snoozing, I'm going to show Chris some culture!

Resentfully getting into bed to sleep, Stewie and Chris go downstairs.

Chris: I'm very doubtful about this castle, Stewie. That Butler dude alone gave me the creeps. Maybe we should've stayed home and researched my report on the internet.

Stewie: Are you scared of ghosts again?

Chris: Well, yes...

Stewie (points to a gun on the wall): If you're so fucking terrified so bad, grab that gun!

Chris gets the gun and it accidentally hit Stewie on the head. Feeling a growing rage within him, Stewie chases Chris downstairs.

Brian (laying in bed drifting to sleep): I really fucking hate this....

In another room in Glenheather Castle. Lorna, along with the Butler and a Cook were doing some evil schemeing.

Cook: Those three assholes have no idea what we have in store.

Butler: With the Earl away, we shall play!

Lorna: So, are we going along with the plan?

Cook: Yes we are. While they're not looking, we're going to steal everything valuable in this castle.

Butler: I'll try to find anything I can so we can pawn it.

Lorna: Yes, but where do we start?

Butler: We'll begin in that room where that dog is staying.

Lorna: In the meantime, I'll keep that midget and the fat one distracted!

Proceeding with their plan, The Butler goes into the room where Brian is in. Lorna and the Cook head over to the main room.

Scene 5:

As Brian was sleeping, the Butler put on a ghoul mask before he entered. Quietly creeping in, the Butler has a bag and grabs as many items that seem valuable as possible. This goes on until the Butler drops a cup, thus waking up Brian.

Brian: Chris, Stewie. Please stop trying to scare me, all right?

The Butler had already spotted Brian. As he was closing in on the dog, The Butler grabs Brian as he screams for help.

Brian: NNNOO!! NNNOO!!! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! HHEEELLLPPP! This is scarier than that time we were characters from Amarcord!


The Griffins were eating at the kitchen table. All of them were dressed as 1930's era Italian peasants. Peter was in the front of the table as he pulled off the table cloth in anger and frustration!

Peter: Bunch of bitches!

Lois: Peter watch out!

Peter falls onto the floor breaking all the plates and ripping the cloth from the table. Chris, Meg, Lois, Brian and Stewie just stood and stared in shock.

Brian: What did he say?

Stewie: Think he said (imitating Peter) Mucha! Moocha! Meecha! Mucha!

[End of Cutaway]

The Butler tied up and gagged Brian and threw him in a closet. In the main room, Chris and Stewie had no idea that Brian had been captured.

Stewie: OKay, Chris. Let's teach you a couple of things here. First order of business.....

Chris and Stewie look all around the castle. Really could not find anything to educate Chris about.

Stewie: This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Chris: Let's just sit down and engage in causal conversation.

Stewie: Fine with me.

Chris and Stewie sit down in medieval looking chairs. In between the chairs there was a painting of the Cook. From behind the painting, the Cook used his pairing knife to cut through the painting.

Stewie: Guess we'll have to take you into the city and educate you tomorrow.

Chris: That's cool. Say, Stewie. Do you remember Uncle Patrick?

Stewie: You mean Lois's lunatic older brother who killed obese men?

Chris: Yeah that's the one. What do you think happened to him?

Stewie: Probably hogtied in a rubber room. If I had to take a guess.

Chris (pulls his arms up to stretch): Gee Whiz. I'm getting tired myself.

Stewie: Nobody says Gee Whiz anymore. This isn't Leave It To Beaver.

As Chris was stretching his arms, the Cook hands him a skull without his knowledge.

Stewie: Wonder what Lois and the Fatman are doing in our absence? Not that I care.

Chris: Poor old Uncle Patrick. He's gone now. We promised to visit him once and month. Never happened... (putting his arms down and sees the skull) Hi, Uncle Patrick. (screams at the skull)

The skull was thrown on the floor only to have a bat go inside.

Stewie: What the hell man?

Chris points to the skull which begins to fly.

Stewie: What the deuce! I've heard of screaming skulls, but not flying skulls!

Chris: See? I was right! Castles really are haunted!

Stewie: You have a gun, shoot it!

Trying to aim the gun at the now flying skull with the bat inside. The bat in the skull was flying all around Chris and Stewie.

Stewie: Blast! You have to do better than that Chris.

Chris: I'm doing the best I can here!

The bat was screeching as it was still flying around Chris and Stewie.

Stewie: This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Batshit Crazy!"

Chris: Or "Bats In The Bellfry!"

Stewie: Shoot it again!

Chris tries to aim the gun at the skull, he is able to get a good aim. Chris aims the gun at the skull and shoots it. The skull shatters, but the bat was still flying around.

Stewie: Quick! Let's open a window!

As Chris and Stewie were trying to get rid of the bat, the Cook begins to steal valuables behind their backs. The bat finally flew out the window, never to return. Chris and Stewie both breathe a sigh of relief.

Stewie: We gotta warn Brian about this!

Chris: Ghosts really do exist.

Stewie: No they don't. There's been no scientific evidence to prove otherwise. Use logic for once in your life, Chris. It's obvious someone is trying to scare us out of here.

Chris: You could be right. We gotta warn Brian.

Stewie: You go check on Brian. I'll stay here to see if there's anything suspicious going on.

Chris: Why? I don't want to leave you all alone.

Stewie: Because I'm the only responsible one around here. And don't you forget it! Don't tell Brian I said that!

Chris (heads upstairs): I won't.

Scene 6:

Brian was tied up and gagged in the closet. Trying to bang the door down the best he could. With the gun in his hand, Chris rushes into the bedroom where Brian was sleeping.

Chris: Brian! Brian! Brian! Where are you?

Hearing some approaching footsteps, Chris goes into the bed and hides. The footsteps come into the bedroom. It was the Butler who was still wearing the ghoul mask. Unfortunately he already spotted Chris in the bed. Then he went into the bed next to Chris.

Chris (puts his hand out and feels the mask): You really ought to see a dentist, dude.

Going under the covers, the Butler pulls away the blankets.

Chris: Hey, that's not very nice.

The Butler and Chris practically played Tug of War with the blankets.

Chris: I've had enough of this game and.....(sees the Butler in the mask) AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Getting the gun, but instead of shooting it, Chris hits the Butler over the head with it and knocking him out. Seeing a bag next to the closet door, Chris looks inside.

Chris: As Dad always says, "Holy Freaking Crap"! I think we're dealing with thieves here!

Brian: MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM!

Chris: That sounds like Brian! He must be in the closet.

Opening the closet, Chris sees Brian. He was tied up.


Chris: Oh Brian! Are you okay?


Chris: Everything's going to be fine, Brian! I'll untie you!

Taking off the gag, Chris untied Brian.

Brian (breathing): Oh thanks, Chris. I owe you one man. That guy in the mask. He's stealing valuables.

Chris: Yeah, I saw him. Think we're dealing with crooks here. Way worse than ghosts! He had a bunch of knick knacks in a bag.

Brian: Holy Crap! Stewie! We left him all alone!

Scene 7:

In the main room, Stewie was looking around for anyone who was stealing. Then a hand came from behind him.

Stewie: BWAH!

The hand from behind him was the Chambermaid. Lorna Doone.

Lorna: Hello.

Stewie (laughs): Oh it's just you.

Lorna: Would you care to dance?

Stewie: Sure! As long as I can pick the song.

Lorna goes over to a radio and the song Got No Shame by Brother Cane plays as Stewie dances with Lorna.

Stewie: This is called Southern Rock. From America!

Lorna: You don't say.

Stewie: It's certainly isn't gay like Brian would think. I'm having super fun! Just like when Wilfred got excited over a bubble machine.


Ryan and Wilfred were in the front yard having a picnic they were talking.

Wilfred: You see Ryan, the thing about your father is...

Ryan: I don't want to hear it.

A bubble machine turns on.

Wilfred: BUBBLES! See what I'm trying to say here is....

Ryan: Here we go again...

The bubble machine emits more bubbles.

Wilfred: BUBBLES!

[End of Cutaway]

Stewie continues to dance around the main room. Lorna was stealing things without his knowing. Up the in bedroom, Chris and Brian call Scotland Yard to tell them about the thefts of Glenheater Castle. The Cook comes from behind Stewie and he begins to dance with the Cook thinking he's Lorna.

Lorna (giggles): Idiot!

Stewie: You know, you're a really good dancer! (turns around to see it was the Cook) AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

The Cook chases Stewie with a knife upstairs. Lorna joins the chase too. The Cook throws a knife at Stewie that thankfully landed on a wall. Stewie runs into the bedroom where Chris and Brian are.

Brian: Stewie! Thank god you're here.

Chris: Those people in this castle are thieves!

Stewie: Kind of figured that. One of them tried to skewer me!

Chris: We got one of them here. The Butler. Who was wearing a ghoul mask.

The Butler was still knocked out cold.

Stewie: Yes, and here comes one of them now!

The Cook breaks into the bedroom and tries to attack Chris, Brian, and Stewie. Then Lorna comes in armed with a gun.

Brian: This is a good a time as any to say we're fucked!

Scene 8:

The Cook and Lorna had the trio trapped in the bedroom.

Brian: Now come on here. You don't have to do this?

Cook: Why not? We do this to scare away tourists by stealing anything that's worth money.

Lorna: Especially American ones. Now since you all know too much.

Cook: We're going to have to kill you!

Chris: We just came here so I can have help with my geography report.

Stewie: Well I'm not going to stand around all scared! I'm going to fight!

Brian and Chris watch Stewie grab a weapon that looked like a mace on a stick. The Cook took out a knife and Stewie fought him tooth and nail.

Chris: All right, Stewie!

Brian: Yeah, stick it to them!

Chris: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Stewie conked out the cook with the mase. Then Brian, Chris, and Stewie begin to chase Lorna as she tries to get away. Lorna takes the bag that the Butler had earlier and tries to make a break for it.

Brian: Oh shit! That bitch is getting away!

Chris, Stewie, and Brian chase Lorna. Luck was on their side. The Earl came back from his gathering. The Police from Scotland Yard were behind the Earl.

Earl: What in the world is this?

Scotland Yard Policeman: We got word there's a robbery in progress.

Chris (sees the policeman): Bobby! Bobby! That's what the cops here are called, right?

The Scotland Yard Policeman grabs Lorna as she protests.

Lorna: Let me go! Let me go!

Earl: Lorna, what's going on here?

The Scotland yard Policeman takes the bag Lorna had and opens it to find all the valuables that she, The Cook, and the Butler had stolen.

Lorna: NO!

Earl: A-ha! That's the proof I need. You tried to steal my treasures!

Stewie: She isn't the only one.

Brian: We have two more apprehended upstairs.

Chris: Just goes to show, never trust the people you hire for work.

More Scotland Yard Policemen ran upstairs to arrest and Cook and the Butler.

Stewie: This was fun! In a way we were playing Clue!

Scene 9:

The Scotland Yard Policeman came downstairs and carted away the Lorna, the Butler and the Cook.

Earl: Officers! Take them all away!

The Butler, Cook, and Lorna were all being escorted out of the Glenheather Castle by the Scotland Yard Policemen. The Earl decides to reward them all.

Earl: Gentlemen, thank you for capturing those thieves I must reward you.

Stewie: Ahhh, it was nothing really.

Brian: Yeah, you really don't have to at all.

Earl: But I will come on, lads.

Chris, Brian, and Stewie follow the Earl who shows them a closet.

Earl: How about a drink?

Chris: Uhhh, I'm underage.

Earl: Really? I thought you were 18. I got a better idea. How about I give you all a grand tour of Edminborough?

Brian: That would be great. So that way Chris could get some help on his report.

The Earl drives the three of them all around. Chris took pictures of the place on his laptop. When the tour was over, Brian, Stewie, and Chris say their final goodbyes to the Earl. Then they all head back to Quahog on Stewie's teleporter.

Scene 10 Conclusion:

That following Monday, Chris gives his report about Scotland. Brian and Stewie were there to show him support.

Chris: ....and that was how me, Brian, and my baby Stewie found out the people in the castle we were staying at were really crooks. Then the Earl who ran the castle showed us all around Scotland. The End!

Teacher: Marvelous! Fantastic! You get an A! Because you've actually been there!

The Geography class all gave a round of applause for Chris.

Chris (taking a bow): Thank you! Thank you! You've all been a great class!

The bell rings and class was over.

Teacher: Class dismissed.

Chris exited the classroom and Brian and Stewie.

Brian: Wow Chris! That was an excellent report you gave there!

Chris: Could not have done it without you two!

Stewie: Who knows? Maybe you'll finally become a Sophomore now! You've been one since 2005!

Chris: If I ever need with schoolwork....

Brian: We'll be the first to help you!

Stewie: When is lunch around here?

Chris: In about an hour.

Stewie: While I'm still here, maybe I'll pretend to be an old hag lunch lady!

Brian: I don't think so. Let's just go home. Have a great rest of your day!

Chris: I'll see you when I get home!

Brian drives Stewie back home. Chris joins his friend Neil Goldman to go to his next class. An announcement was made.

Principal Shepherd: Chris Griffin, come in my office.

Neil: Hope you're not in trouble.

Chris runs to the Principal's office and enters.

Principal Shepherd: Have a seat.

Chris: Is there a problem?

Principal Shepherd: In fact, I have some good news. Since you got an A on your Geography assignment....

Chris: Yeah, go on.

Principal Shepherd: Next year, you're moving onto the 10th grade! Congratulations!

Chris: YAY! Sophomore Year here I come! Just wait until Brian and Stewie hear about this!


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