Categories > Original > Humor

Dodgeball Drafters

by narwhalpuppy 0 reviews

The Paradise PD Plays Dodgeball Against the Legion of DOOOOOM.

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody - Published: 2020-10-06 - 8318 words - Complete

0Unrated
A/N: This is another sports plot, people! Fitz and Thester are going to be a gay couple in this. Don't care what anybody says. I ship them! There will be sex scenes between those two! If that bugs you, too damned bad! Don't say I didn't warn you!


Paradise PD Presents


A Narwhal Puppy Production


Dodgeball Drafters


In the conference room at the Paradise PD Police Department. Everyone was having a discussion until Randall entered.

"Uh, guys? Guys? Hello?" Randall called out to his police troops who were talking over him.

Bullet walks up to Randall high on cocaine, "Uhhh, did you say anything, Randall?"

"Yes, I have something to say and everybody is talking up a fucking storm!" said Randall.

"Not my problem." Bullet says toddling off.

Randall decides he's had enough and blows a whistle. Dusty, Kevin, and Stanley were startled by it. Gina shouted, "SHUT UP NOW YOU TWAT WAFFLES! Let's hear what Randall has to say."

They all soon got the message. Randall says, "Thank you, Gina."

Kevin quivered, "Ooooh, I've always hated that whistle. It's triggering to me."

Randall announces, "OKay troops! Listen up! Every last week of the month during October. We the Paradise PD plays dodgeball up against the local Fire Department."

Stanley implies, "Oh boy! Dodgeball. Love being those cops by those balls at the players asses!"

"Oh, I forgot about the Dodgeball game. How could I be so stupid." Kevin bemoaned.

"The big game is going to be held in Atlanta. In the stadium where the Olympics were held! So we all got a whole week to train!" said Randall.

"Atlanta Olympic Stadium? Let's just hope Richard Jewell doesn't show up." jokes Bullet.

"I know. Every year we always lose to the Fire Department. Is there any way we can get better?" asked Dusty.

"Of course there is. Where there's a will there's a way. Usually I send my other policemen to play against the Fire Department. This year, however. It's going to be your asses out there!" Randall shouted.

"Can I come too?" asked Bullet. "This is something I definitely want to be a part of!"

"Yes you can! This year, you're all going to be my Dodgeball team." Randall tells them, then he slams his fists on his desk, "With the proper training and practice. We are going to put those Fire Department assholes in their fucking place once and for all!"

"I'm all for this one, Randall! Those son of a bitch firemen always thought they were better than us!" Gina said.

"Exactly. Now what I need you all to do is come with me to the Fire Station so we can taunt the shit out of their asses!" said Randall said.

"Bullet's my name and taunting is my game!" said Bullet.

Randall, Kevin, and Dusty went inside one Police car as Gina, Stanley, and Bullet went inside another to drive to the Paradise Fire Department. Both Police Cars arrive at the Fire Station. Everyone got out and saw that the Fire Department was closed off.

"Uhh, Dad. The place looks like it's closed." Kevin says. "That's because they're scared and hiding away from us like a bunch of chicken shits!" said Bullet. "Good deduction, Bullet. Now, let's all scream at them!" Randall said.

Stanley begins, "Hey, Fire Department! Listen up! We got something to say to you....." "Are you aware it's the yearly annual Dodgeball Game? Cops against The Fire Department?" Kevin shouted.

Silence. Stone dead silence. Crickets were chirping in the background. Dusty sneaks away to play with a firehose he found. "SCORE!" Randall stops him in time. "Put that down! We don't have time for that shit!"

"They're not coming out? What'll we do now?" asked Dusty. "Leave this to me, gang. I'll sniff this one out, me and my cocaine nose!" said Bullet. Using his nose to sniff around the Fire Department, Bullet discovered that there was nobody inside.

"What did you find out?" asked Gina. "There's nobody in there!" answers Bullet. "FUCK!!!! Who are we going to play against now? Why is it in sporting events I participate in, I always lose? First it was the Horse Races, now it's Dodgeball!" Randall yelled.

A voice from behind says, "Want some rivals? You found some!"

"Who said that? Was it you, Gina?" asks Kevin. "I didn't say nothing." said Gina. "Maybe Randall said it." said Bullet. "Wasn't me." said Stanley. "No we said it." the voice says again. The Paradise PD turn around and it was the Legion of DOOOOOM. Sans Fitz and Thester.

Dusty screeches, "AAAAHHH! It's them! The Legion of DOOOOOM!" "Right you are." Pat Robertson said.

"What do you fuckasses want?" asked Bullet. Frank Flipperfist begins, "We could not help but notice that you're in need for a Dodgeball team." "Santa Maria, you have no one to play against." said Marcos Narcos. Russian Mobster joins in, "How many firemen are you playing against? None! ha! ha! ha!"

"Where are you going with this?" asked Dusty. "If you want to play Dodgeball, why not play against us?" asked Pedro Pooptooth.

"We accept! You're on!" said Stanley. "Thought you'd see it our way! It's only fair to warn you...." said Pat Robertson.

"What're you going to warn us about?" Gina spatted. "We are the best Dodgeball players in the county. So if you play, you just might lose!" said Frank Flipperfist. Russian Mobster gets some Dodgeballs and counts them, "One dodgeball! ha! ha! ha! Two dodgeball! ha! ha! ha!" "Shut up! We get it! You love to count!" Pedro Pooptooth spat.

"No we won't! Dad's going to have us all practice and we're going to win!" Kevin said. "Yes, he's right. By Friday, prepare to be publicly humiliated!" Randall said.

"Keep dreaming! We're such experts in Dodgeball, we'll beat your asses so fast you won't know what hit you!" Frank Flipperfist says. The Legion of DOOOOOM Members all drove off in their limo. Kevin asks, "I got it! We can make our Dodgeball Game like the movie Baseketball!" Ignoring Kevin's suggestion, Randall says, "Let's go back to the Police Headquarters to think of a plan to train against the Legion of DOOOOOM!"


At the Dippin Dots Building. The Legion of DOOOOOM enter to announce the news to Fitz that they will be playing Dodgeball against the Paradise PD. As they all went inside, they heard some laughing and moaning. The Hollies Bus Stop was heard playing from far away.

"I can't wait to hear what Fitz has to say," said Pedro Pooptooth. "Yes, but where is he?" asked Marcos Narcos asks. "We can try to look for them." said Frank Flipperfist. Walking to where the music was being played, Puffy the Cigarette comes running out the door screaming. "Puffy! What happened? Is everything okay?" asked Frank Flipperfist. "You don't want to know." Puffy cried as he ran away. "Fitz must be in that door." said Pat Robertson added.

Opening the door to the living room at the Dippin' Dots. There were Fitz and Thester. Fitz had his penis inside Thester's rectum. Fitz ejaculated inside Thester as he giggled. They were both engaging in anal sex and moaning in pleasure. They were having sex with their clothes on.

"Doesn't that feel good?" asked Fitz seductively.

"You give the best orgasms ever." Thester laughs.

"Santa Maria! They're butt fucking!!" said Marcos Narcos.

"No wonder Puffy was so scared." Frank Flipperfist says.

"Uhhh, Fitz. Can we have a word?" asked Pedro Pooptooth.

Fitz stops, "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean for any of you to see this." The radio turns off. Thester gets up, "So what's the good word?" "Tell them, Frank." Russian Mobster said.

Frank Flipperfist says, "The Fire Department that Paradise PD usually play Dodgeball with has ditched them."

Fitz says, "Yes...and?"

Marcos Narcos said, "So we challenged them to a game on Friday!"

"Great! Excellent! This is my chance to put the Paradise PD in their fucking place!" Fitz cackles.

Thester asks with concern, "You guys didn't see us doing it, did you?"

Pat Robertson assures them, "I know you guys are a gay couple. I'm normally against homosexuality. But with you two, I'll make an exception!"

"How are you all at Dodgeball?" asked Thester. "Oh we're experts!" said Pedro Pooptooth. "We're the best of the lot!" said Frank Flipperfist.

Fitz engages a plan, "Meet me at the Paradise YMCA. We begin our training!"



*



Outside in the Training Station at the Paradise PD Police Department. Randall gets a Dodgeball and Kevin, Gina, Stanley, Bullet, and Dusty were standing against the wall.

"This is like the Summer Olympics circa 1936 and my unforgettable encounter with Jesse Owens!" Stanley said.

"Is this how you trained the other teams?" said Bullet. "I haven't played Dodgeball since.....never." Dusty states insecurely.

"Great chance for you to learn!" said Kevin. Karen was there too to offer support. "Show 'em what you got, Randall! If you win it'll increase my chances for another term at Mayor!" Anton was sitting next to her, "Go Team Go! Go Team Go! Which team are we rooting for, anyway?"

"To answer your question, Bullet. No. I'm going to train you guys differently." said Randall. "What did you normally do?" asked Gina. "Made them angry and watch scenes from the movie Christ Stopped in Eboli. That was great motivation!" said Randall.

A flashback is shown from the year before. When Randall was training his other officers. Pointing to the tv, Randall shouts at them all, "See this little girl in the painting? She has a reason to be angry! She's living in the depths of poverty! And you guys. You have everything....."

Getting ready to throw at Dodgeball, Randall chooses Gina, "Think fast, Gina!" Throwing the ball in Gina's direction, she catches it automatically then throws it back at Randall twice and hard as he caught the ball.

"Awesome! It was like I caught a hand grenade! You're next, Stanley!" Randall shouted throwing the ball to Stanley. Much to their shock and surprise, Stanley caught the ball and threw at back hard the same as Gina did and the ball landed next to Randall's feet causing him to trip. But he gets up. "Excellent! Let's say you, Bullet!" Randall said throwing the ball at Bullet.

Trying to catch it, Bullet jumped into the air, landed on the ball and began to hump it. "Sorry, that ball was making me horny!" Randall says, "Now give it back!" Bullet rolls the ball back, and then Randall cleans off the jizz then throws it to Dusty. "You're up, Dusty!"

"You can do, Dusty!" Gina cheers. Throwing the ball at Dusty, the ball hits him in the stomach and bounces off. The ball flies into the sky and Karen catches it and throws it back to Randall. "Last, and definitely least, Kevin!" Randall yelled throwing the ball to Kevin.

With luck, Kevin catches the ball then throws it Randall that lands on his crotch. Randall was outraged.

"GODAMMIT KEVIN! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND HURTING MY BALLS ALL THE TIME! THE SECOND TIME! I MIGHT POINT OUT!" Randall screeched at his son.

"Was just trying to make myself part of the team! I gave it my 100%." Kevin defends himself. "Yeah you're banned from Dodgeball for life, get outta here!" Randall pointed. "What can I do now?" asked Kevin feeling ashamed and disgraced. "Karen, you'll replace him. As for you Kevin you can be a male cheerleader for all I care!" Randall shouts. Kevin asked, "Do I really have to?" Randall answers, "Guess you forgot about Routine 37 of the Dodgeball Playbook." tells Randall.

"What is Routine 37?" Kevin wondered. "Any man who either doesn't make the cut or doesn't join the team has to be a male cheerleader." Randall informs his son.

Before Karen joins the team she gets an idea, "Male cheerleaders! That's the most diverse thing we need for this game! Would you be interested, Anton?"

Anton gladly accepts, "Wouldn't you know it!" Skipping down from the stands he runs up to Kevin. "Isn't this great? We're going to be cheerleaders!" "Dammit! This was my one chance to show my Dad..." Kevin begins but it cut off. "You can show him how great you are by cheer leading!" Anton said as he and Kevin exit the Police Training Field. "GOOD GRIEF!" yells Kevin.

"You're not going to throw us off the team too? Are you?" asked Dusty. "Please don't. I want to be a part of it so I can sell steroids on the side." said Bullet. "You two can stay, but you need a little more work. Karen you will be Kevin's replacement!" Randall said.

"Guess you can say I'm a Replacement Killer!" Karen attempts to joke. Gina looks at her with disgust, "Uhh, was I supposed to laugh? Whatever happened to being 'ladylike.'"

"All right, listen up. So far Gina and Stanley are my star players. You two don't need practice. Dusty and Bullet you're still on the team." Bullet and Dusty high five each other. "To make you better players for Friday's game. In the meantime I found another method of motivation!" said Randall.

"Now this I gotta see!" said Gina. Randall puts on a mask of Michael Myers. "I will use the movie Halloween this time!"

At the Paradise YMCA, Gerald Fitzgerald was training the Legion of DOOOOOM at Dodgeball. "This feels like I'm at the dancing class from the TV Show, Fame." said Frank Flipperfist. "Yes, and Fitz is Debbie Allen." Pedro Pooptooth said. Russian Mobster was throwing the ball and counting his throws. "One Throw! ha! ha! ha! Two throw! ha! ha! ha! Three throw! ha! ha! ha!" "Wow, that's good." Thester says walking by Russian Mobster.

"Great play, Pat Robertson! Marcos Narcos, get your ass out there!" Fitz said. "When will it be my turn?" asked Thester.

"As soon as Marcos is done." said Fitz throwing the ball to Marcos Narcos who then throws it back and hits Fitz as he falls onto the floor. "See? This is why we're the best Dodgeball Players in Paradise Georgia!" Fitz tells everyone. Fitz then decides to let Thester give it a shot. "Run to the wall." Fitz tells Thester.

"I'm ready! Throw it! I'm open!" Thester said. Fitz throws the ball at Thester. Instead of catching it, however, Thester did a forward handspring then caught the ball. Fitz could not believe his eyes at the move Thester made.

"How did I do?" asked Thester. "Damn Thester where did you learn to do that?" asked Fitz. "I took gymnastics classes as a kid." Thester answered. "How old are you?" asked Pedro Pooptooth.

"I'm 33." Thester said. "But you look so old for your age." Frank Flipperfist tells him. "Let me count to 33!" Russian Mobster said. "No, don't." Frank Flipperfist warned him.

"So that means you're a millennial? You're ten years younger than me!" Fitz states with shock. "I had an accident where I fell down the stairs on my face after helping my Grandma. Got a lot of plastic surgery done. That's why I look older than I do." Thester explains.

"That explains why you're such a suicidal crybaby." said Fitz. "Do I make the team?" asks Thester. "How about you be our cheerleader instead?" said Fitz. "Never liked Dodgeball anyway, so yes!" agrees Thester.

Fitz said, "This is the proudest moment of my life. I feel like a college football player. Just like Sean Astin in Rudy!" Then he goes over to Thester to kiss him, "And I'm fucking a hot cheerleader too!" "Oh, Fitz stop!" laughs Thester. Fitz orders Frank Flipperfist, Marcos Narcos, Pedro Pooptooth, and Pat Robertson to practice some more. Deciding he needed another member on his team, Fitz phone Brett DeMarco. "Hey, Brett. It's me. Fitz the Kingpin. How would you like to be a part of my Dodgeball Team?"

Thester exits the YMCA and hears Anton and Kevin talk about cheerleading. Thester then sends them both a text.


"The boss has everyone's cellphone numbers in his book." Thester said. "I'm very glad that Routine 37 exists!"




*



Kevin and Anton got some text messages. "Did you get a message too, Anton?" asked Kevin. "I have." Anton replied. "What does it say?" asked Kevin. The text they both received reads "MEET ME AT PARADISE VHS DOWNSTAIRS."

"It says to go to a downstairs room at the Paradise VHS place." said Anton. "We don't have much of a choice do we?" said Kevin.

With such reluctance, Anton and Kevin went inside Paradise VHS. The first people they see are Robbie and Delbert behind the counter.

"Welcome to Paradise VHS! How can we help you today?" asked Robbie.

"Bless your souls. For sending us that text that brought us here for male cheerleading tryouts." said Anton excitedly.

"We didn't send that text." said Robbie. "We don't really know how to use a cellphone." said Delbert.

"If you guys didn't send the text, who did?" asked Kevin. "Male cheerleaders you say? Gonna need these!" said Robbie laughing as he hands Kevin and Anton some cheerleader uniforms along with pom poms. "They also come with a complementary copy of the movie Ninja Cheerleaders." said Delbert. "Speaking of cheerleaders, we also have the classic Bring It On! Choice is yours." said Robbie.

"Thanks for nothing. Man, Dad is going to disrespect me even more." said Kevin. "I remember the text said to meet the person who texted us in the downstairs room. Do you guys know where that would be?" asked Anton. "It's the second door to your left." said Robbie. "Right next to the gender neutral non binary bathroom." said Delbert.

"Okay, whatever." said Kevin. "In the meantime, let's get in these new digs!" said Anton gleefully.

Entering the gender neutral non binary bathroom, Kevin and Anton changed into the cheerleader uniforms. Anton cracked up at Kevin being in a skirt.

"You're one to talk! Mom told me you're a crossdresser!" Kevin said profusely. "I just like to laugh and make fun of you any chance I get." said Anton. "Look, if we want to be a part of this Dodgeball gig my Dad is involved with. We're going to have to learn how to get along." says Kevin. "Okay if you insist. Besides, I look better than you in a skirt, anyway!" Anton snickers once more.

"Fine! Let's just go into the room to meet whoever." said Kevin. Entering the room, it as big enough to be a downstairs lounge room. There was nothing inside. No TV, furniture, or even an icebox.

"So, you ready for male cheerleading?" asked Anton. "Hmmm, perhaps this won't be so bad. We can be like Will Ferrell in that SNL Sketch." implied Kevin.

"The question reminds. Who sent us the next?" asks Anton.

A cockney accented British voice boomed out of nowhere. "ME! I DID!"

"Who are you?" asks Kevin. "Yeah, why can't we see you?" asked Anton.

Coming out of the shadows was Thester Carbomb. He was dressed in saddle shoes, a cheerleader uniform with a skirt and had pom poms on his hands.

"Thester?! Did you....." asks Kevin. "Send you guys down here. Yes I did." answers Thester.

"But...but, you're part of those Legion of DOOOOOM peoples!" Anton observes. "Not going to lie. I am. Me and Fitz are an item." said Thester.

"If you and Fitz should ever break up, I'm available...." Anton tries to tell Thester, but he blows a whistle.

"SHUT UP!" Thester yelled. "Why are you here?" Kevin asked. "I know the three of us are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. But for right now we'll have to team up." Thester tells them.

Kevin rolls his eyes, "Did you get a load of that? We have to side with the enemy!" "You heard him. It won't be for too long." Anton told him.

Clapping his hands three times, Thester says, "We're only going to be friends just for this week. Then after the Dodgeball game is over, we'll go back to being foes." Kevin groans.

"Oh come on. We need the right attitude for this! I'm here to teach you the basic fundamentals of male cheerleading! Now watch and learn from the pro!" Thester points out. Popping a CD into a CD player he brought. Thester presses PLAY and begins dance to the Godsmack song Voodoo.

Kevin and Anton watch Thester as he danced to the beat of the music almost flawlessly. Shaking his pom poms and then doing cartwheels and handsprings. Anton was impressed with Thester's moves. Kevin didn't know what to make of it. The song comes to an end and Thester finished it by doing a blackflip. Anton applauded him.

"That was wonderful! Fitz is so lucky to have you!" Anton said with tears in his eyes. "Yes, heh heh. Very good there, Thester." said Kevin.

"Now, do that exactly how I did it! Get to it! Chop! Chop!" Thester said clapping his hands. Kevin and Anton try to imitate the dance Thester had done. Anton got the hang of it, Kevin did not. Thester speaks out, "Come on! Kevin! You need to do better than that!"

"Wonder if Dad is having this much trouble with his team?" Kevin thought out loud.

At the Training Station outside Police Headquarters. Randall was bound and determined to train Karen, Bullet, and Dusty. Randall still had on the Michael Myers Halloween Mask.

"What up with Michael Myers mask?" asks Bullet. "You're not going to stab us if we fail?" Dusty pondered.

"NO! You just throw the ball at my mask. Pretend I'm really Michael Myers!" Randall instructed them.

"Guess that makes me Jamie Lee Curtis." Karen purrs as she threw the Dodgeball aimed at Randall's face, but misses by four inches.

"Good enough, Karen! Change of plans here. Gina and Stanley! Get your asses down here!" Randall screams.

Stanley and Gina join. Randall gives them too Michael Myers Halloween Masks. "Stanley, you help Dusty. Gina, you help Karen. I'll help Bullet."

"Can I have another partner, please?" Dusty whines. "NO! You stay with the person I assigned to you!" Randall yelled. "Think nothing of it. Takes me back to when I trained Joe Louis. How did I train him? That's only for me to know and you to find out!" Stanley said.

Gina cackles, "Hey, Karen! Want to win using sweet talk?" Randall blows the whistle. "GO!"

"Fire!" shouts Bullet trying to throw the Dodgeball at Randall's face. He missed big time. "Still got a way to go with you, Bullet." Randall says. "If you'd let me use some cocaine, I can be better!" Bullet said. "Nope! I'm training you the old fashioned way! With sobriety from you!" Randall.

Bullet scoffs, "I hate that word." Randall hit Bullet with a Dodgeball knocking him to the ground. "Now I really need cocaine. How will I ever survive this practice without it?" Bullet said to himself.

Karen threw the ball to Gina. Karen's throw didn't go very far. "Sorry I'm just not the athletic type. Being a lady means never being brutal." Karen said. "Like the Steely Dan song says, 'Do It Again'!" said Gina who threw the ball back to her, Karen attempts to throw the ball again. It slips out of her hand. Gina growls, "Why do I always have to end up training the feeble ones! WHY!"

Stanley threw the ball to Dusty who catches it. "Am I supposed to do that?" "NO! You fatass chubbo tubbo! You're doing it all wrong!" Stanley shouted at him. Dusty rolls the ball back to Stanley who throws it hard on Dusty's belly. "You do it.....like THIS!" Stanley yelled.

Randall blew the whistle. "TIME OUT! I have a bigger game in mind! Bullet! Bring me that toolbox!" Picking himself up off the grass, Bullet runs inside and gets the toolbox and hands it to Randall. "Good! Now get back out there you piece of shit!" Randall yelled at Bullet.

"Sheesh! After this, I'm never playing Dodgeball again to save my life!" Bullet vows. "Now," Randall starts up. "If you're going to dodge a Dodgeball. You're all going to have to learn how to dodge some tools! Gina, Stanley, and myself will take some."

"I don't like those tools, honey." Karen calls out.

"What exactly are you going to do with the tools?" asked Dusty.

"We're throwing them at you losers! Get ready to run!" Gina screams throwing some tools at Karen. Randall threw some at Bullet, as did Stanley with Dusty.

"Come on, Karen you wimp! Come on!" Gina screams at Karen. Bullet, Dusty and Karen get hit with the tools while trying to dodge them.

"How is this is going to make us win?" cries Dusty. "Beats the hell out of me!" Bullet answers.

Randall yells, "We're three Michael Myers clones. We're coming to kill you! What are you going to use to defend yourselves?" "That's the reason we're wearing these masks!" Gina added. "I sure know how to use my tools!" Stanley jokes.

Bullet, Dusty, and Karen get the Dodgeballs and try to throw them at Gina, Stanley, and Randall. The three of them fail.

Randall blows the whistle. "All right! The game is Friday. We have lots of practice until then!" "Karen is impossible!" Gina complained. "Well what about me with Dusty?" Stanley asks her.

Bullet, Karen, and Dusty were bruised and hurt from the tools that were throws at them.



*


At the Paradise YMCA. The very next day. Brett DeMarco was at the gym. He orchestrated a practice for the Legion of DOOOOOM to play against some college geeks. Fitz, Perdo Pooptooth, Frank Flipperfist, Pat Robertson, Marcos Narcos all enter the gym ready to play. "Damn Brett. Who Let The Dogs Out?" Fitz said.

"Think you mean Who Let The Geeks Out." laughs Brett who was getting done eating an Italian Sub. "Close your mouth when you chew. You make me want to lose my shit!" Fitz said. "I can't help it that I like this type of sub! It's Italian! I'm the son of Italian Immigrants!" Brett said, "I don't care!" Fitz tells him, "Fine, whatever you say, DAD!" Brett spits back. "You don't back talk to me!" said Fitz. "Okay then. Stop treating me like a rude preteen!" Brett said. "He treats all of us like that." said Frank Flipperfist. "Yes and then you learn to get used to it." said Pat Robertson.

"So what's with the geeks, Puto?" asked Pedro Pooptooth. "I hired these dudes to play against us so we can practice and train for when we beat the Paradise PD." said Brett. "Gotta say, I'm impressed with this. Get in positions, people!" Fitz said blowing a whistle. Brett said, "Positions? Is that like Missionary Position?" Fitz eyed at Brett, "Don't make me regret hiring you!" Frank Flipperfist, Pat Robertson, Pedro Pooptooth, Fitz, Russian Mobster, and Brett DeMarco all get in their places. As do the geeks. "Before we start, how about we pray? Football Players like Tim Tebow do." suggests Pat Robertson. "We don't have time for religion! Just make your asses get up and go!" demanded Fitz.

Russian Mobster enters with a shopping cart full of balls. "I counted these balls...." He was immediately ignored.

"Okay, ready...set.....PLAY!" Fitz yells blowing the whistle. The geeks threw the balls at the Legion of DOOOOOM members and they all missed because the Legion of DOOOOOM were very experienced at the sport. The game goes on for about an hour. In between plays, Fitz goes on a power trip and tells at his team mates things like, "YOU CALL THAT DODGEBALL!" "YOU'RE ALL PLAYING LIKE SHIT!" "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!" "THROW THE BALL FUCKING HARDER THAN THAT!" "ASSHOLES!" Brett whispered to Marcos Narcos, "Is Fitz always like this?" Then Fitz, Brett, Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Russian Mobster, Pat Robertson, and Marcos Narcos win against the geeks who all leave the gym in disgrace.

"Dios Mio! We are unstoppable!" said Marcos Narcos. "Wow, I sure can feel the presence of Jesus today." Pat Robertson said. "Hope those geeks don't plot a Revenge of The Nerds thing on us!" laughs Frank Flipperfist.

"Everyone come into the locker room. We need to talk." Fitz said. Going inside the locker room. Everyone sits down to listen to what Fitz has to say.

"Gentlemen, you all played a great game," Fitz says. The Legion of DOOOOOM all cheers. "But," Fitz continues. "Where is he going with this?" Brett asks himself.

"Although we won against those geeks, I still feel that you're all wearing me out." Fitz said. Russian Mobster gasps, "Are you saying we're deadweights?" Brett decides to try to stand up to Fitz, "What do you mean? I thought we played good. Besides, what's the big deal dude? It's just Dodgeball!"

"JUST DODGEBALL!?!?!?!?!!!!" Fitz screams at Brett with his eyes almost bulging out of his skull. Fitz throws his shirt down on the floor, "THIS IS LIFE!"

"Does it really matter if we win against a bunch of cops?" said Brett. "You want to challenge my authority, asshole!" Fitz dares Brett. "Last time I recall, I'm the leader here. You're dealing with me! The Kingpin!"

"Brett, please! Don't do it!" warns Frank Flipperfist. "Just let Fitz be right." said Pedro Pooptooth. "Oh shut up and stay out of this!" Brett shouts at Frank and Pedro. Russian Mobster holds his ears, "This is like when I was married!"

"Wow, he has guts I'll give him that." Pat Robertson said. Fitz closes in on Brett's face, "I think you need to cool down, Fitz." Brett told him. "Oh you want me to cool down! I'll cool you down! How's that!" Fitz yells.

"Go ahead make my day! I have something you'll never have. Italian Temper!" Brett raged.

Fitz taunted, "Oooooh! So scary! What're you going to do about it, Neil Cavuto?"

Brett grabs a fire extinguisher. "I'm not afraid to use this." "Gosh I hope this doesn't become a race thing." said Marcos Narcos.

Fitz grabs the fire extinguisher away from Brett then the two begin to fight over it. The fire extinguisher squirts that causes Fitz to go flying away with it.

"DDDAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!" Fitz screams flying into the sky then landing back into the locker room.

"You're in big trouble, mister!" Frank Flipperfist said. "Do I look like I give a shit!" Brett said, "And I fucking hate Full House!"

Fitz stomps over to Brett, "I'm not off the team am I?" asked Brett. "No, in fact! It's good to have someone challenge me every now and then. You really proved your worth, Brett!" Fitz said shaking his hand. "No hard feelings?" asked Brett.

"None taken! Now let's all get back to Dodgeball Practice." said Fitz.

Meanwhile, at the downstairs room at Paradise VHS. Thester was teaching Kevin and Anton cheerleading moves.

"I've seen lots of improvement in you, Anton!" Thester complemented. "Wow, thank you, Thester." Anton extended his gratitude. "How have I been doing?" asks Kevin.

"Kevin, you seem about the same. You haven't been doing that well and yet you've been okay." Thester told Kevin.

"Oh, shit. Dad's right. I'm not even good at things I hate that I know will embarrass me." Kevin bemoaned.

"Well don't feel sorry for yourself. We have until Friday." said Thester. "Yes, the three of us will impress them at the Dodgeball Halftime Show." said Anton. "That's the whole idea, now let's get back to our cheerleading training, shall we?" Thester said.

Anton and Kevin still in cheerleader outfits stand up and get ready for more cheerleader dancing and tumbling. Thester goes over to the radio and puts in a CD! "Let's get ready for more dance!" Thester said.

Playing the CD, Cannonball by The Breeders plays as Thester uses pom poms and does some dance moves that were almost provocative and sexual. "Get your pom poms! You're going to need them! Now follow along with me!" Thester tells Anton and Kevin.

Anton keeps up the pace, "I'm having a blast here!" "I'm not." Kevin cries. "Now let's do cartwheels!" Thester said.

Anton excelled at the cartwheels as Kevin struggled to keep up. "Yeah yeah! That's it! Keep it up!" Thester cheered them on.

Kevin could barely do a cartwheels. "Now that's move onto handsprings!" Thester announces.

"Oh good lord." Kevin whines. "This is my all time favorite song from my all time favorite band! That what makes it fun!" Thester laughs doing handsprings.

"You're telling me!" said Anton.



*



Over the course of the week. The Paradise PD were practicing like crazy. Bullet, Karen, and Dusty were actually getting a little better. Stanley throws the ball to Dusty. Randall, Gina, and Stanley still had the Michael Myers masks on.

"Home Run!" yells Stanley. "Uhh, wrong game, Stanley!" Randall says. "I did it! I caught the ball!" Dusty says proudly. Gina throws the ball to Karen who jumps away from it without getting it.

"Maybe there's hope for you, yet." Gina told Karen. "Why thank you!" said Karen.

Randall throws the ball to Bullet who caught it then throw it back to Randall square in his stomach. "GOOD! See what sobriety can do?" Randall tells Bullet.

"I'm still keeping my word on selling steroids!" promised Bullet. "When you're playing the big Dodgeball game this Friday, you're going to be so busy you won't have time to sell steroids."

"Son of a bitch!" Bullet gruffs in anger.

At the Paradise YMCA, Brett DeMarco hired another college team to play against. This time ones who were athletic.

Fitz throws the ball at them, and they get catch or jump away from the all. Marcos Narcos, Russian Mobster, Pedro Pooptooth, Pat Robertson, and Frank Flipperfist were all playing against the team. Brett DeMarco throws the ball making it ricochet and hit every member of the college team they were playing against.

"Damn Brett! Where did you learn such mad skills?" asks Fitz. "I have a power within me. Italian Temper!" Brett says with an image of an Italian Flag with fire around it in back of him. "Santa Maria, he defeated them in one blow!" Marcos Narcos says. "Cool we have him on our team!" said Frank Flipperfist. "Wow, Brett. I think you have Jesus in you to help us win against the Paradise PD! Pat Robertson says.

"Whatever, Pat. Brett, you are going to be our secret weapon for the game on Friday!" Fitz said. "Oh yes, I can just taste the victory now!" Pedro Pooptooth said. Brett tells them, "My father was a Mafia Crime Boss. My mother was a slutty moll!"

"That explains everything!" said Fitz. At the backroom of Paradise VHS. Thester was having Anton and Kevin do some more cheerleader moves.

"Okay, boys! We are going to work on our pyramids now!" Thester said. "Hope this will be easy." said Kevin. "Just don't mess up!" Anton warned him. Thester and Anton were on the ground in crawl position. Kevin stood on top of them. "I did it! I did it!" Kevin cheers. "That was fantastic!" Thester said. "Thester's training us is paying off. But you'll never be as good as I. " Anton teases. Kevin decided to ignore that.

Friday was here. Anton was driving up to Atlanta. "We are going to dazzle them at the halftime show!" Anton says. "Oh yes we will. Just as long as Kevin doesn't fuck it all up!" Thester says. "I promise I won't! Stop ripping on me already! What're you guys? My parents?" Kevin begs.

On two buses on their way to Atlanta one had the Paradise PD inside, and the other The Legion of DOOOOOM. A crowd was in line to see the big Dodgeball event. Both teams got off their buses and entered the Olympic Arena. Thester enters with Kevin and Anton dressed in cheerleader uniforms.

Fitz and Thester greet each other. "Damn Thester! You look so damn hot in that cheereleader outfit!" "You look even more handsome in the Dodgeball Uniform!"

"Go beat those cock suckers at the Paradise PD for me." Thester flirted. "You know I'll put them in their place!" Fitz said as they kissed. "Whether we win or lose, I want you ready for some hot love making, Thester!" Fitz tells him. "I' always up for that! Good luck!" Thester said as Fitz spanked his bottom that made Thester blush.

The teams take their places as they get ready for the big game. The audience was in high anticipation as Randall takes the stage.

"Good morning, everybody! We are all here today for the yearly annual Dodgeball Game. Cops against Firemen. There is a slight change in this game. For some strange reason the Fire Department were chicken shits and didn't want to go up against us. So instead we found a team of Drug Dealers who call themselves the Legion of DOOOOOM to play against. So without further ado, cheer for us so we can kick some serious fucking ass!" Randall told the audience who all then erupted in cheers.

Randall continues, "So here to sing our National Anthem is Carolyn!" Bullet was stunned. "I dated her once. Oh, so awkward! Hope she doesn't see me."

Carolyn sang the National Anthem. When she was done, the Dodgeball Game was underway. Bullet felt vindicated that Carolyn didn't see him.



*



Up in the stands. Everyone who was anyone in Paradise Georgia showed up for the big game. Even the Brickleberry Park Rangers came to show their support. Woody states, "Hope this was worth driving fifty miles for this." Hobo Cop was selling hot dogs to the audience. However the hot dogs were shaped like penises and called 'Dick Dogs.'

Hobo Cop calls out, "DICK DOGS! DICK DOGS! GET YOUR DICK DOGS HERE!" "I'll take one!" "Give me one, too." said both Robbie and Delbert. "Hey, Hobo Cop, why are you here?" asked Robbie. "I wanted to be a part of this somehow." answers Hobo Cop. "So you just took whatever was available to you." said Delbert. "Yep, how did you guess? DICK DOGS!" calls out Hobo Cop as he gave Robbie and Delbert hot dogs. "I'm hoping the Drug Dealers will win!" said Robbie. "It's always more fun to be on the evil side." agrees Delbert.

The Legion of DOOOOOM gets the first throw. "Brett, start us off!" Fitz orders him. About to throw the ball, Brett says, "I'm about to go 'Extreme Measures!" Brett threw the ball with brute force and the image of the Italian Flag with the fire around it appeared again behind Brett.

The Dodgeball Brett threw knocked out Dusty and Bullet, Karen was able to get away from it. "This is a small sacrifice I made for Kevin. said Karen. It was the Paradise PD's turn. The crowd is going wild.

Bullet gets up as did Dusty. "Boy, I'm really mad now!" Bullet growls. Randall says, "Bullet, you throw the ball!" Bullet throws the ball and it knocks out Russian Mobster. "ha ha....OUCH!" "Russian Mobster! You're outta here!" Fitz yelled at him. It was the Legion of DOOOOOOM's turn once more. "That was awesome, Bullet!" Randall cheered.

Frank Flipperfist throws the dodgeball. Gina catches it, throws it back. "You're mine, bitches!" Then lands on Pat Robertson, then after Pedro Pooptooth who just lost a tooth due to being hit in the mouth with a ball. "May God be with........FUCK!" Pat Robertson yelped. "Damn, now you really look like a 'Pooptooth'." laughs Fitz.

Stanley was up, "You're all going to suck on my wrinkled balls, sons of bitches!" Stanley threw the ball and Frank Flipperfist fell down. Then the ball lands square on Marcos Narcos's head. "Santa Ma.....woah!" Marcos Narcos said.

Randall says, "Stanley and Gina! You guys are kicking ass! Dusty! Whatever you do, don't fuck this up!"

Dusty was now going to throw the ball, hesitant and uncertain. "Not really sure what to do here......" "Dammit Dusty! What about all that training I put you through this whole week?" Randall shouted at him. "Yeah, did you forget! We better not lose to Fitz and his band of rejects!" Bullet warned him.

Then he remembers the Michael Myers mask. "That's it! Pretend the players are that dude from the Halloween movies. I get it now!" Dusty said having an a-ha moment.

"If you beat them, I'll kiss you!" Gina tells Dusty. "I'll do it for you Gina!" Dusty said. Throws the ball, then it got caught by Brett. "HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Kiss my superior Italian ass, bitches!" Brett cackles. "Who does that twat waffle think he is?" Gina glared at Brett. She points at Brett, "In the final hour, you're mine!"

"Ooooh, so scared." Brett said. An hour into the game. The score was Paradise PD 2. Legion of DOOOOOM 3. Karen and Bullet take the stage.

"We're going to take a little break here from the game." announces Karen. "Please enjoy our Halftime Show. With these hot cheerleaders!" Bullet said with excitement. "Actually, they're male cheerleaders! It was my idea. I did it out of diversity! And here they come!" Karen said. "Or should we say, 'cum'! cracked up Bullet while Karen stared at him in annoyance.

The crowded audience said their hoorays as Kevin, Anton, and Thester entered the middle of the arena. The audience was fine with male cheerleaders.

"Are you ready boys? Now these people want to see us do a good show! Let's do this!" Thester tells them. Anton and Kevin took their places. Music plays. The song Teen Love by No Trend begins to play.

Kevin, Anton, and Thester were dancing to the song. Then the three begin to shake their pom poms. The audience was loving it. Kevin and Thester pick up Anton. Throw him in the air and catch him. Thester and Anton now do the pyramid. Kevin stands on top of them without any conflict. Claps were heard all around.

Thester begins to do back handsprings and finishes doing the half splits. Anton did some cartwheels then did a flip in the air. Kevin does some somersaults and tries to stand on his head. Thester and Anton watched Kevin nervously thinking Kevin was going to ruin their routine they've worked on all week.

Kevin pulls through. The audience was impressed. Randall was watching and was almost dying of embarrassment for his son. Fitz was practically drooling and he eyed Thester doing the cheerleader moves and dances. Fitz then begins to hit himself over the head with a wooden hammer. "Control yourself, Fitz!" Frank Flipperfist tells him. Karen was watching with admiration. Dusty, Gina, and Bullet were filming the trio on their iphones. Stanley was not impressed. "I've did better.'

As the song comes to a close, Thester did some cartwheels then a flip to finish. Anton did some handsprings. Kevin slides between them. Where Kevin was sliding, he slips on some beer that was spilled when nobody was looking. Kevin crashed into the bleachers. The audience gasps. Kevin comes out unscathed. That didn't make him messing up any better.

"DAMMIT KEVIN! YOU SUCK! YOU REALLY FUCKED UP THIS TIME!" Randall screams. Karen joins in, "KEVIN CRAWFORD! YOU HAVE HUMILIATED US IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STADIUM! I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF! I REALLY HOPE YOU ARE!"

The audience boos at Kevin and begin to throw things at him. "Look, sorry! I didn't know there was beer spilled." Kevin defended himself. Running up to Thester, Kevin says, "Please! Try to understand!"

"You're dead to me!" Thester shouted slapping Kevin across the face. Anton calls two security guards, "Escort him off the premise!" The two security guards carried Kevin to the exit. The audience erupts in cheers knowing Kevin was banned.

"Glad he didn't play Dodgeball with us!" Dusty said. "You can say that again!" Gina said. The Halftime show came to a close. the Dodgeball game continued on.



*



The Dodgeball games goes on for four more hours. Gina and Stanley were excelling on the Paradise PD team, and Brett DeMarco was excelling on the Legion of DOOOOOM team. All the while Brett DeMarco kept bragging about his Italian Power!


The score changed as the game goes on.

PARADISE PD: 3

LEGION OF DOOOOOM: 4

PARADISE PD: 5

LEGION OF DOOOOOM: 6

Thester and Anton cheered from the stands. "Go Fitz! Go Fitz!" "Go Karen! Go Karen!"

Karen Crawford got smashed in the face by Brett DeMarco who threw the ball at her as she failed to dodge it. "AH-HA! YOU JUST GOT HIT WITH ITALIAN POWER, BITCH!" Brett DeMarco boasted. "Ooooooohhhh! I'm hideous! AAAAAAHHH!" Randall shouted at his wife, "You're out!" Karen screams in frustration. Bullet giggles, "She acts like she's on a Laser Tag commercial!" Anton runs to her, "Karen! Karen! Are you okay?"

"I got hit in the fucking face and I'm severely bruised! Of course I'm not okay!" Karen hollars. On Fitz's team, he was yelling at his team mates to defeat the Paradise PD. Whenever Russian Mobster, Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Marcos Narcos or Pat Robertson threw the ball, Fitz would screech on top of his lungs, "SPRAWL! SPRAWL! SPRAWL! I HATE THEM!" Brett DeMarco laughs, "Think someone has watched Caligula too many times.

On the Paradise PD Team, Dusty gets hit and has to sit the game out. "Dusty, you're a bum! Get the fuck out of the game!" Randall said. Then Bullet was soon taken out of the game when he catches the ball with his teeth and it deflated. "You're out, Bullet!" Randall yelled once more. Only Gina and Stanley were left of the team.

It was the Legion of DOOOOOM's turn to throw the ball, Brett DeMarco threw the ball to Gina who then caught it. Gina throws it back and knocks out, Russian Mobster, Pedro Pooptooth, Marcos Narcos, Fitz, and Frank Flipperfist all at once. Thester freaks out when Fitz is out of the game. "Oh no." he gasped as he watches.

Then it was down to the final quarter. Only Stanley, Gina, and Brett DeMarco were left. Who was is going to be?

Brett DeMarco gets the first throw in the last game, "Eat my Royal Italian balls, bitches! As in my meatballs!" Stanley and Gina get ready to dodge. "I'll let you have this one, Stanley. I'm tired of this twat waffle bragging about how Italian he is!" said Gina. "You're a pal, Gina!" Stanley said.

When the ball was thrown, Stanley with all his might, although he was old. Stanley caught the ball and threw it back at Brett DeMarco with excessive force. The audience was silent.

Randall, Dusty, Bullet, and Karen were all watching. Kevin tried to get back inside the Olympic Arena. Even offering sexual favors to try to get back in. Nothing worked for Kevin. The ball moved in slow motion. Anton and Thester watched. "Come on, Stanley." "Come on, Brett."

Brett DeMarco soon found himself being hit with the Dodgeball that caused him to fly out of the stadium. "I'M GETTING ITALIAN REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU! I'LL BE BACK!" The game had ended. The crowded audience erupted into cheers as the Paradise PD won the Dodgeball Game.

The score was:

PARADISE PD: 10

LEGION OF DOOOOOOM: 8

"WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT!" Randall cheered. Bullet spilled a bucket of Gatorade on Randall. Dusty and Gina hugged each other. Stanley and Bullet did a victory dance that made Anton join in. Karen was still crying on the floor about her injured face. Karen sobs, "With a face like this! Who's going to vote for me now!"

Fitz was mad like hell won't have it. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?! HOW DID YOU LET THEM BEAT US! YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST AT DODGEBALL! YOU JUST PROVED THAT YOU'RE THE WORST!"

Frank Flipperfist, Marcos Narcos, Frank Flipperfist, Pat Robertson, and Russian Mobster gathered around Fitz trying to reason with him. Even Thester was mad at them.

"WHAT THE HELL! YOU ALL LOST! JERRY COULD'VE PLAYED BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU! WHAT HAPPENED BACK THERE? YOU'RE ALL PIECES OF SHIT US WINING WAS A......" Thester yelled at the Legion of DOOOOOM. Hobo Cop tripped from the bleachers and one of the Dick Dogs fell out of the bun and landed in Thester's mouth.

Running around with a Dick Dog in his mouth, Thester muffled, "SOMEONE HELP! SOMEONE HELP! I GOT A HOT DOG IN MY MOUTH! HELP!"

A party ensued at the Olympic Stadium in the Paradise PD's honor. Even some fireworks were being shot into the sky. Randall Crawford was awarded a trophy for BEST DODGEBALL TEAM IN GEORGIA.



*


A week later....


Randall and Bullet show their Dodgeball Game to the Fire Department. "See what you all fire fighting douchebags missed out on?" Bullet tells them. "For once, I got the Dodgeball Trophy for this year! Something you'll never have!" Randall yelled at the Fire Department.

The fireman all regret not competing in this year's Dodgeball game. Each and every one of them were speechless. "You all have to admit one thing! Cops are better than Firemen!" Bullet says. Randall joins in giving the middle finger, "In your face, losers!" At the Dippin' Dots Building. Gerald Fitzgerald were standing out at the balcony. Looking onto the sky.

Frank Flipperfist sees him, "You doing any plotting and scheming?"

"Yes, I am." Fitz answers back. "Feel better about losing last week after I did the hibbity dibbity with Thester."

"What will your next plan be?" asked Frank Flipperfist.

"One day......I shall extend my vengeance on those Paradise PD mother fuckers!" Fitz tells Frank.

"We going to do anything to get back at them?" asked Frank Flipperfist.

"When they least suspect it. I will return! When the day comes....that will be my time to strike!" Fitz said as he laughs evilly. As the exterior of the Dippin' Dots Building is shown.



The End



The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!








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