Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy
Friday The 13th
0 reviewsPeter gets superstitious about Friday the 13th. While Chris fears bad karma after angering a Japanese Man
0Unrated
Before we begin, I want to give a special thanks for shout out to TimeLordMaster108 for giving me an idea for a subplot and some cutaways. Thank you TimeLordMaster108 for being such a cool friend to me.
Another thing, why hasn't Family Guy done an episode about Friday the 13th? Well, that's why we have fanfiction! So let's get on with it!
Family Guy Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Friday The 13th
Chris Griffin and his friend Neil Goldman were walking home from school. After having been banned on the school bus.
"Since when it is a crime to throw water balloons filled with ink on the school bus?" asks Chris.
"I know, right. It wasn't like we were trying to kill anyone." agrees Neil.
"We were just going after those bullies who make fun of us." Chris said.
"That stupid bus driver bitch reported us to Principal Shepherd. She made it sound like we were throwing them at everybody." Neil says.
"She got so paranoid she even thought some of those those ink filled water balloons were meant for her!" Chris says.
"Perhaps it's all for the best that we don't ride the school bus for a while. Hey, your sister Meg drives. Maybe she can pick us up." Neil suggested.
"Nah, she would never do that." said Chris. Neil and Chris both see a canopy booth with a Japanese man standing in front. A sign reads, "SECRET SAYING."
"Oh look at that, Chris. Want to go check that out?" asked Neil. "Sure! Wouldn't hurt." agrees Chris. The two of them run to the canopy booth and greet the Japanese Man. Running across the street to the canopy booth Chris observes, "I know he's Japanese but he looks like Jackie Chan from Mr. Nice Guy!"
"Kon'nichiwa! Please put in one Yen so you can hear Secret Saying!" The Japanese Man tells Chris and Neil.
"What's yen, Neil? You're Jewish. You have knowledge about money." Chris asks. "Yen is currency from Japan." said Neil.
"Come on, Chris. Just give the dude some Yen. I want to hear this Secret Saying." Neil said. "I'll do my best." said Chris who approaches the Japanese Man. "Sorry I don't have any of this Yen." Chris told him. "Then you never hear the Secret Saying." the Japanese Man said. "Do we look like we have Yen? This is bullshit! Tell us the saying anyway!" Neil demands. "Can I at least give you something that rhymes with Yen? How about a pen?" Chris says after searching deep in his pockets until he found a pen.
"No, so solly. Must go. Have a nice day." The Japanese Man says to Chris and Neil. Chris didn't care, so he put a pen in the can where the yen was supposed to go. This made the Japanese Man very upset.
"YOU DISGRACE JAPAN! I NO WANT PEN! I WANTED YEN! MAY BAD KARMA COME BEFORE YOU!" The Japanese Man screamed at Chris and Neil who were now running away in fear.
"All I wanted to was hear what the Secret Saying was." cries Chris.
"Nobody here in America has Yen. Why didn't he get that?" asked Neil.
"I don't know. This is more fucked up than when the Greased Up Deaf Guy did a TikTok video!" Chris says.
Cutaway Scene:
The Greased Up Deaf Guy says hello into his IPAD. "Hey, everyone. It's me! Your favorite Greased Up Deaf Guy! And today we're going to be too running around a football field naked!" A football fight song was played throughout the cutaway. A football game was being played in a stadium and the Greased Up Deaf Guy runs nude all around the football field. "TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN!" The Greased Up Deaf Guy screams. "Let's get this son of a bitch!" said the football players. "You're ruining our game you asshole!" said another football player chasing the Greased Up Deaf Guy who then says, "If you think this is fun. Wait'll you see what I do during halftime!"
The next morning, Peter Griffin wakes with the morning sun along with Lois. "It's been a long hard week. I'm so glad it's Friday." Lois said. "You're telling me. First we needed a new fridge, then we got a new stove. What's next? Your curling iron? Your toothbrush." Peter says to his wife. "Nobody uses curling irons anymore I don't think." Lois said.
"What date is it on Friday, do you know, Lois?" asked Peter. Lois looks on the calendar and tells Peter, "Oh, what do you know? It's Friday the 13th!" A feeling of horror engulfs Peter who stares blankly in terror. Peter stares at the screen for 20 seconds as the theme to the Twilight Zone plays. "Uhhh, Peter? Are you okay?" Lois asks. "Yeah, I'm fine." said Peter.
"Good for a minute there you looked spooked just because it was Friday the 13th." Lois speaks. "Are you sure it's Friday The 13th?" Peter shook as he asked. "Yes it is. Just don't give into these superstitions like something bad it going to happen." Lois said. "I'm not that dumb." Peter said. "Hope so." Lois says as she walks into the kitchen to make breakfast.
Peter runs into the living room. Gasping and starts to hyperventilate. "I can't believe this. It's Friday the 13th! I know! I better get my Emergency Kit ready!" Brian was at the top of the stairs as he watches Peter open his Friday the 13th Emergency Kit. Brian then goes into Stewie's room and sees Stewie is playing in his nursery. Brian was stunned as he saw the Griffin family baby was dressed like Gary Cooper in High Noon.
"Oh come on in, Brian. Rupert and I just got done playing High Noon! Boy that Gary Cooper was one handsome devil!" Stewie said. "You'll never believe what today is Stewie." Brian tells him. "No wait, don't tell me. Friday the 13th, right?" Stewie said with delight. "Exactly! We're going to get Peter really good today!" Brian said.
"The thought of scaring the Fatman about Friday the 13th superstitions fills me with ecstacy!" Stewie says taking off his costume.
"We'll do everything. Walk under ladders, breaks mirrors, the works!" Brian begins to laugh. "I can just feel the excitement of it now." Stewie giggles.
"Peter will be even more terrified than Reed Hastings was when he cancelled all the good adult cartoons on NetFlix!" Brian said.
Cutaway Scene:
Reed Hastings was sitting in his office. Feeling very satisfied as he was counting his money. "This is a glorious day for me!" begins Reed Hastings. "I finally got rid of those fucking stupid politically incorrect adult cartoons like Bojack Horseman, Paradise PD, and Hoops! In favor of more diverse shows!" Reed Hastings lights up a cigarette and says, "Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea for Paradise PD to have a black guy be a villain! Or a depressed washed up asswipe horse actor would be a great concept for a cartoon? And that Ben Hopkins from Hoops! Gave me shivers down my spine." Stepping out of his office Reed Hastings walks outside to see the demons from the movie Legion surrounding the NetFlix building.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!! SON OF A BITCH! I STARTED THE APOCALYPSE!" Reed Hastings yells in terror.
In the kitchen, Lois was preparing breakfast. She sees Chris is preoccupied about something. "Oh no. Chris. Don't tell me you're scared of this Friday the 13th shit too." Lois protested. "No it's not that. Neil and I were coming home from school and we saw this Japanese dude in a tented canopy who wanted us to pay him in Yen for a secret saying." Chris explains to his mother.
"Well at least yours isn't as extreme as Peter's." Lois says. "It gets worse I put a pen where the guy wanted yen and he got all mad at me and told me bad karma was going to come my way." Chris said in a worried tone. "Well, you need not worry about that. No bad karma or any SUPERSTITIONS will plague our family." Lois tries to reason with Chris. "Thanks for that, Mom." Chris said. "You're welcome. That's what I'm here for, right? We don't believe in bad karma or Buddhism!" Lois adds.
Searching through his Emergency Kit, that was under the couch. Peter talks to himself, "That's easy for her to say." Inside his Energency Kit there were so called good luck charms such as four leaf clovers, rabbits' feet, and a garlic necklace. Lois notices a burn spot on the stove. "Meg! What were you making that burned the stove?" "I was making that expresso you and Dad like." said Meg." Outside the Griffin house, the Japanese Man from before was spying on them.
"No bad karma, hey? Well they got another thing coming!" The Japanese Man says. Lois berated Meg about the stove burn. "We spent over $700 for that stove. After the one your father broke! Now you made some coffee....." "Look I can explain. When I made the coffee I forget because I was reading that book Sharp Objects!." Meg says in the defense. "A-ha! So that's why. What did I tell you about reading intense murder mysteries that later become HBO miniseries!?" "Come on, Mom. I'm 18 and you're still concerned about what I read?" Meg spouts off. "Just get to school before I say something I'll never regret!" Lois yelled as Meg walked out of the house.
Peter was now wearing a lucky rabbits foot and a garlic necklace. "Good! This'll keep the bad luck away from me!"
*
On his way to work, Peter goes out to his car. "Lois, I'm going to work." he calls out. Lois then notices Peter forgot his lunch. "Oh Peter! Don't forget your lunch!" Lois runs to him. Peter was going into his car, Lois gives him his lunch and she notices the rabbits foot and his garlic necklace.
"Peter! What the hell! Why are you wearing a garlic necklace?" Lois asked off the cuff. "It's to ward off vampires." Peter tells her. "WHAT! Vampires don't exist." Lois shouted. "You never can be too sure these days, Lois. It's Friday the 13th so anything can happen!" Peter retorted. Lois grabs the garlic necklace and throws it on the ground. "Why do you have to do that to me? All I want is to get rid of bad luck!" Peter whines.
"There's no such thing as bad luck! Even Chris is terrified that something is out to get him! Just go to work. We'll talk when you get home!" Lois says. Peter drives off to work. Having that feeling that something horrific is going to bestow upon him.
As Peter was on his way to Pawtucket Brewery. He sees he still has his rabbit's foot. "At least I got you, Mr. Rabbit's Foot." Peter moaned. A mile away, Brian and Stewie were hiding behind a STOP sign at a four way corner.
"Okay, Stewie! Here he comes!" Brian tells the baby.
Stewie has a pet taxi cage and opens it. Out comes a black cat.
"All right, Black Cat. We need you to run across the street! Starting....now!" Stewie says to the black cat. Peter was driving to the STOP sign at four way corner. Much to his fear, Peter sees the black cat run across the street just feet away from his car.
"WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! A BLACK CAT! I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!" Peter screamed at the top of his lungs. Then the black cat jumped onto his windshield as Peter was driving.
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!" Peter gasped in fear. Trying the windshield wipers to pry the cat off didn't work. Then the black cat jumps off the windshield to Peter's car and runs away into street.
Peter's car swerves into a tree. Peter wasn't hurt physically, but he was emotionally. "I knew this was going to happen! I knew it! I knew it! Now Lois will have to believe me! Why does this shit always happen to me? Why can't this happen to Meg instead?" Peter said driving to work although the rear end of his car was broken.
Brian and Stewie high five each other. "That was so awesome!" Brian laughs. "I know, right. It's always fun to get the Fatman on Friday The 13th!" Stewie said.
"Well, it's only the morning so we got all the time in the world today to prank him!" Brian said.
Stewie says, "I'm having more fun than when I was a stand-in for Russell Brand in Get Him To the Greek."
Cutaway Scene:
The music video to African Child was playing. Shows a whole bunch of soldiers shooting. Then Stewie comes into the shot dressed as Aldous Snow.
Stewie sings, "I Have Crossed the Mystic Desert. To Snap Pictures Of The Poor. I've Invited Him To Brunch. Let Them Crash On The Floor! There's Sunshine In My Veins. My Kitchen's Filled With Flies. I'm Crying About In Vain Like a Little African Child....."
Brian interrupts the cutaway. "Stewie! STEWIE!" "Oh sorry, Brian. Damn I look good in that outfit Russell Brand wore in that video!" Stewie cooed.
"I didn't want the cutaway to extend like those Conway Twitty ones Peter used to do. Or that one where you clobbered Will Ferrell about that Bewitched movie. Besides, we got work to do!" Brian said. "Fair enough. So are we going to prank Peter at work now?" Stewie asked.
"Oh yes. I have a plan!" Brian said with an evil smile on his face.
Now at Pawtucket Brewery. Peter was put in charge of storing alcohol on the top shelves in the stock room. Bert and Shield instruct him on what to do.
"Hey, Peter." said Bert.
"Oh hey Bert. What would you like me to do today?" asked Peter.
"We need you to....." starts Sheila
"Pick up those boxes of alcohol..." continues Bert.
"And store them on that top shelf......" Sheila concluded.
Peter looks up and sees the top shelf was 10 stories high.
"If you need assistance....." Bert says.
"Just use a ladder...." Sheila concedes.
"You ought to be fine. Good luck!" Bert says as he departs from the room with his wife.
"Good luck. I'm going to need it. No freaking way I'm using a ladder." Peter bemoaned to himself. A drill peeped out one of the beer barrels. Brian and Stewie were inside. Hiding in a place where Peter could not find them.
"He doesn't want a ladder, hey?" Stewie grinned.
"Sometimes you don't get what you want in life!" Brian smirks.
Peter discovered another way he could climb up to the top. "I got it. Instead of a ladder, I'll just climb up there myself! By using these shelves as stairs!"
Taking one box and climbing the shelves until he reached the top, Peter's plan worked successfully. Brian and Stewie still hiding away and watches as Peter climbed up the shelves as if it were a staircase carrying the boxes of alcohol one by one. Despite being overweight, the shelves Peter climbed had no effect. Brian and Stewie both give each other a 'ready' signal.
Peter took the last box of alcohol and climbed to the top shelf to store it. Peter then came back down. Taking out his rabbits foot from his pants pocket. "I owe this to you, Rabbits Foot"! Peter said to his "good luck charm". As soon as he did, Peter sees a tent.
"Awww, sweet! A tent! That could be my workplace tent where I can sleep! Andy Samberg from Brooklyn Nine Nine had one!" Peter giggles as he enters the tent. However, the tent slid off as soon as Peter entered and exited. When the tent was down, there was a ladder right under it. Peter had an epic freakout.
"OOOOHHHH! NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!!"
Bert and Sheila came rushing into the stock room.
"What's the matter, Peter!" Sheila asks with concern.
Peter cries, "A saw a tent and it turned out to be a ladder.
Bert says, "SO?"
"When I went inside the tent I didn't know that I walked under a ladder! And it's Friday the 13th!" Peter continues to sob.
Sheila said, "Oh. Why exactly are you crying about walking under a ladder?"
Bert joins in, "We don't get it."
Peter explains, "If you walk under a ladder on Friday the 13th, which is today by the way. You break God!" Peter begins to bawl. "I broke God! I broke God!"
Bert and Sheila wanted to laugh at Peter's obsessive superstition belief. Both of them held it in. God watches from Heaven and he cracks up at Peter.
"HAHAHAHAHAAA! People are still dumb enough to fall for the old Walk Under The Ladder trick!" God cracked up.
"You know, Peter." Bert said.
"Maybe you should go home for the rest of the day." Sheila says.
"We'll get Opie to cover for you." Bert said.
"You're right. In the meantime I'll pray to God to forgive me for breaking him!" Peter cries.
"Gosh I feel so sorry for him." said Sheila with concern. "You're telling me. He's taking this Friday the 13th shit way too seriously!" Bert told his wife.
Brian and Stewie run out of Pawtucket Brewery unnoticed. The two of them belt out in laughter.
"Peter is such a dumbass! He'll believe anything!" Brian laughs. "We got him good! We got him jolly good!" laughed Stewie.
Walking out to his car, Peter drives home. "I was really hoping I wasn't going to have any bad luck today. This is even more terrifying than pitch meeting about the Smurf's Unicef commercial.
Cutaway Scene:
Pierre "Peyo" Culliford appears in a Screen Rant Pitch Meeting video as there is two different versions of himself. "So you have a movie for me?" he asked himself.
"Even better. How about a Unicef ad?" Peyo asks himself again. "Great! What's it about?" Peyo says, "How about we do something where bombs drop on the Smurfs!" said the other Peyo. "I'm cool with that! Let's see it!" Peyo said in enjoyment. The Unicef Smurfs video shows the Smurfs opening credits with animals running around the forest. Then the theme song plays in Belgium. As Papa Smurf conducts an orchestra. While all the other Smurfs all dance around a fire. Out of the sky bombs drop and land. All the Smurfs run away and some get killed. Then Baby Smurf who's caught in the middle just sits there and cries.
"So what do you think, Peyo!" Peyo asked his double. "I love it! Let's air it on TV!" The other Peyo responded.
*
Driving home from work. Peter feels distraught. "It's like I can't get away from this bad luck. No matter what I try to do!" Peter talks to himself. At a traffic stop. There was a red light. Peter gets his rabbits foot and throws it out his car window. "So much for rabbits foot! This was useless!"
The rabbits foot breaks Peter's rear view mirror as he screeches in a terrifying way. "YYYYEEEEEEEEKKKKKK! I broke a mirror! Seven years of bad luck! What else can go wrong?" The traffic light turned green. Peter cried as he was driving back home.
In the living room, Lois hears Peter drive up to the driveway. "What is he doing coming home?" she asks herself. Lois runs out to the driveway and Peter is hesitant to walk up. "Peter? Why are you home from work so early?" Lois asks with concern. Peter walks to Lois by stepping over the cracks on the concrete. "What in the world? What's the deal with walking like that, Peter?" Lois asked again.
"If I walk over these cracks I won't break my mother's back!" Peter answers. "Peter, your mother's been dead for 5 years! What the hell is going on?" Lois screamed.
"Friday the 13th is what's going on with me, Lois. Today I was driving to work and a black cat crossed the street. Then I walked inside a tent that turned out to be a ladder that I walked under and I broke God. Even my lucky rabbits foot didn't work out for me. So I threw it out the window and I broke the rear view mirror. Today has been nothing but a string of bad luck for me." Peter sobbed.
Lois decides she's had enough, "This has gone too far! I think you just did all this stuff to yourself to get my attention!" "That's not true. All of this really happened to me!" Peter pleaded.
"We've been over this year after year. How many times do I have to tell you that this Friday the 13th garbage is a bunch of bullshit!?" Lois said. "It's real Lois. It's very real." Peter tells his wife.
"Well, I'm not putting up with this crap from you anymore. I'M FINISHED! Get someone else to help you!" Lois marches back into the house.
"Gosh, Lois is really upset and she doesn't want to listen. She's acting the same way she did when I had a worm in my eye." Peter said.
Cutaway Scene:
Peter and Lois were in their bedroom. "Lois, Lois! I just got back from my Dad's funeral. We were throwing dirt on his grave and I wiped sweat off my eyes." Peter says. "Yes? What is the problem?" asked Lois. "Well, your asshole father saw me and he told me that I have a worm in my eye." Peter sounded worried.
"Oh Peter...." begins Lois. Peter opens his eye wide and points to it, "See my eye! Look and see if you can find a worm in my eye." Lois looks at his eye, "I don't see anything." "LOOK!" shouted Peter in fear pointing to his eye. Lois takes a closer look, "I still see nothing." "You're not even trying!" Peter shook nervously. "I don't know what you want to do here. I'm not an eye doctor...." Lois says but then is interrupted. "I HAVE A WORM IN MY EYE!" Peter screams at the wall.
Lois walked into Chris's bedroom to give him his laundry. Chris was hiding in his closet. "Chris, I know you're in there. Stop trying to hide from your homework." Lois tells him. "That's not what I'm hiding from." Chris tells her as he comes out of his closet. "Then what is it? First Peter, now you." Lois says sounding very fed up. "I'm hiding from the bad karma that's going to come my way after pissing off that Japanese dude!" Chris tells Lois.
"Bad luck! Bad karma! That's all it's been with you two today! Peter cries about Friday the 13th giving him bad luck and now you're crying about bad karma!" Lois roars with anger punching a hole in Chris's bedroom wall. "Uhhh, Sorry?" Chris said innocently. "Come downstairs Chris. We're watching Dr. Phil!" Lois orders her son.
"Yes Mom!" Chris says fearfully. "Sometimes I feel like I'm in charge of a mental hospital when it comes to you and Peter!" Lois rants.
Sitting outside, Peter looks down. Feeling sad and defeated. All was not lost because Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire walk up to him.
"Hey, Peter. Everything okay?" asked Joe.
"Everything sucks." Peter answers.
"What is going on?" asked Cleveland.
"Today is Friday the 13th ad all these terrible things are occurring to me." Peter answers.
"Tell us about your day, Peter." said Quagmire.
A musical montage is shown of all the events that have happened to Peter as the song Bad Luck from Harold Melvin and The Blue Notes plays. The black cat running down the street. Peter going inside a tent that turned out to be a ladder. Peter throwing out his rabbits foot thus breaking his car rear view mirror. The song ends and cuts back to the scene.
"Black cat running across the street? Bet Brian did that! He even had the nerve to think he was 1/18 cat! Damn that son of a bitch!" Quagmire grunted.
"That's beside the point, Glenn!" Joe says.
"Has this Friday the 13th shit happened to you before?" asked Cleveland. "That's the thing. I've never paid attention to the days of the week. Until today. When I found out it was Friday the 13th." speaks Peter.
"Never you worry. We got a solution for you!" Joe said.
"I'd like to hear it. Nobody else will help me. Not even Lois." Peter says sadly.
"We're taking you to a motivational speaker." Cleveland says.
"OKay. I'll go. It's not Tony Robbins is it?" asked Peter.
"Nope, somebody better." Quagmire says. "I even go to him to get my Giggity on!"
"Come with us, Peter." Joe says. "If nobody else can help you at least your friends can." Cleveland said.
"Thanks guys." Peter says following Joe and his friends to his car.
*
In Stewie's room. He and Brian were laughing at how they pranked Peter. "I'll never forget the look on Peter's face when that black cat stuck onto his windshield!" Laughed Brian.
"My favorite part was when he went into that tent that was really a ladder!" cracks up Stewie. "Man that was fun. Now I think we ought to relax." Brian said. "We'll get him again next year. Whenever Friday the 13th rolls along!" said Stewie. Lois calls out, "Hey Brian. Want to watch Dr. Phil with us?" "Okay sure. To make fun of him right?" Brian calls back. "Uhh, yes. Come on it's starting at any minute! Bring Stewie too! It's time for his bottle!" Lois calls out again.
Stewie gets disgusted at the thought of being fed through a bottle, "And to think I spent the whole day with you playing pranks like a college student. Now I gotta be 'baby Stewie' again!" "Well you have one person in this house who understands you and that's me! Now let's go mock Dr. Phil!" Brian says.
Joe drives Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland to Quahog Stadium where all the baseball, football and other sporting events take place. "This is where he is?" asked Peter.
"Yes it is. Just tell him your problem and he'll tell you what to do." Quagmire informs Peter.
Entering the stadium and finding a seat in the audience. A tall older looking man takes center stage. A announcer says, "Ladies and Gentlemen here's the man of the hour, Terrance Yesman!" The audience cheers. Terrance Yesman walks up to the podium.
"Thank you! Thank you! Hello and good day to you, Quahog!" Terrance Yesman greeted the audience. Audience cheers again. "Hey, that looks like Terrance Stamp that Kneel Before Zod guy!" Peter said. "You're all here today because you have a fear. A fear so terrifying that it's hard to overcome. Now. Who in this audience needs my help!" Terrance shouts out to the crowd.
"He does!" Cleveland says pointing to Peter. "He's been through hell and back today!" Joe tries to call out to Terrance Yesman. "He needs help like there's no tomorrow!" Quagmire said pointing at Peter.
Terrance sheds a spotlight on Peter Griffin. "You there! Come on down and tell me what's bothering you!" Terrance Yesman said to Peter.
Running down to the stadium, Peter was now standing with Terrance. "Young man. What is your name?" asked Terrence. "Peter Griffin." "Peter Griffin! I like you!" Terrence said in an enthusiastic way. "You like me? You're not gay are you?" Peter asked with suspicion.
The audience laughs as well as Terrence. "You didn't get offended by that?" Peter speaks. "No I get that a lot. Especially when I say that to men. So tell me, Mr. Griffin. Why are you here?" asked Terrence.
"My friends brought me here because I've had a string of bad luck happen to me today. Friday the 13th." Peter said. The audience showed sympathy. "Friday the 13th? That's not good. Tell us Peter. In your own words. What happened to you today. On Friday The 13th?" Terrence questioned.
"Oh you know. The usual. A black cat crossed the street. I walked under a ladder that I didn't know was there. Then I got so frustrated I threw out my lucky rabbit's foot and broke my rear view mirror." Peter tells his story.
"OOOOHHH!" the audience says. "Want to know what I think you ought to do, Peter?" Terrence implies. "Sure. I'd like to know." Peter said.
"Take all the stuff that happened to you, and throw it all back!' Terrence advises Peter as the audience cheers than chants, "THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK!" "That's right! Throw it all back!" Peter gets an idea. "Exactly! Peter, I have faith in you that you all throw it all back! Because I LIKE YOU!" Terrence said to Peter.
"THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK!" the audience continues to chant. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire join in with the audience but only they say, "ALL RIGHT PETER!" "GO PETER!"
For once, Peter felt empowered. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire helped him in a way that Lois and his family never could.
"Yeah, throw it all back. How will I know?" Peter questions Terrence. "When the time comes you'll know it." Terrence tells him.
Back at the Griffin House. Lois, Meg, Chris, Brian, and Stewie were watching Dr. Phil.
"We Now Return To Dr. Phil." The TV announcer voice says.
"Uhh, Dr. Phil. Seriously Mom? Why do I have to watch this?" asks Meg. "So you can learn to take better care of appliances we spent good money on!" Lois spits at her daughter.
"How's Dr. Phil going to help me?" said Chris. "We'll just have to find out." Lois said. On the Dr. Phil show. The Daytime Show Doctor sits in his chair. "Thanks for joining us here today. We have a very special guest. He comes all the way from France. Please welcome Claude Frollo!" Dr Phil announced.
Stewie says, "What the duece? Wasn't he from The Hunchback of Notre Dame?" "Huh, a Disney villain getting help from Dr. Phil? This ought to be interesting." Brian said with a grin.
On the Dr. Phil show, Frollo says, "Thanks for having me, Dr. Phil." "Great to have you here, Frollo. So tell me. What made you come here?" Dr Phil asked Frollo.
"It's that ungrateful asshole I adopted Quasimodo! I did everything for him! I clothed him. Sheltered him gave him food. Now he wants to run away from me and marry a slutty Gypsy whore named Esmeralda!" Frollo cries.
As the Dr. Phil show was playing on the Griffin family TV screen, the Japanese Man from the canopy booth from earlier was still outside their house. This time he had what looked like an army with him. The Japanese Man turned out to be the leader of the Yakuza. Which was the name for the Japanese Mafia. His name was Gokudo.
Within a matter of seconds, Gokudo and his band of Yakuza all broke into the Griffin house without fair warning.
"BANZAI!"
Meg screams. As does Lois. "Who are you people?" she screeches in fear. "We are the Yakuza! Japanese Mafia!" Gokudo tells them.
"Holy fucking shit! You're the guy who wanted yen for a secret saying!" Chris gulped. "See I told you bad karma was coming! But you didn't want to listen. Now look what happened!" Chris went on.
"Yes that it correct. I wanted Yen. You gave me pen! For that, you and will family will face a big horrible tragedy!" Gokudo laughed evilly along with his other members of the Yazuka. "Leave Chris alone! He didn't do anything bad!" Meg demanded.
"Shut up, Meg!" Gokudo yelled at her. Then taking his samurai sword and slapping Meg across the face with it. Sending her flying into a chandelier.
Brian says, "Stewie. You've dealt with assholes like this before. Why don't you try something?" "OKay." Stewie said. Stewie walks up to Gokudo and says, "You guys look like you need a new recruit. If you let me join you, I'll let you in on some world domination secrets!"
Gokudo throws Stewie over his shoulder. "BLAST!" screams the baby. "Please! Don't hurt my family!" Lois said. "Your dumb fatass son play terrible joke on us." Gokudo tells the Griffins.
"Is that why you're mad at me? Because I gave you a pen instead of yen? I didn't have yen!" Chris tries to reason with the Yazuka. "Doesn't matter! You play very terrible offensive joke when you gave me a pen instead of yen like I wanted." Gokudo said.
"I get it. Because of what Chris did, these Yazuka thinks they were disgraced. If the Japanese think they've been disgraced, they extend their wrath on whoever they're angry at." Brian said. "You've always been quite the know it all, weren't you, Brian." Lois said.
"Look, I'm sure Chris didn't mean anything bad by what he did. You gotta understand. This is America. None of us here in small town Rhode Island have yen!" Brian said.
"Too bad! Doesn't matter! Now to commence bad karma on this family! BANZAI!" "So much for Zen Buddhism!" Stewie stated sarcastically.
Gokudo and his Yazuka all charged after Chris. "MOM! BRIAN! STEWIE!" HELP ME!" Chris screams in distress.
"What're we supposed to do?" Lois screamed hysterically. "I know! How does Chris expect us to fight off these guys and help him?" Brian said.
"If someone doesn't intervene soon, I'm going to end up having my own Game Over Kill Screen!" Chris talks.
Cutaway Scene:
A video game screen is shown with Chris tied to a chair with a stack of dynamite right next to him. "Wait! I didn't agree to be a character in Final Fight!" Chris protests. The word reads CONTINUE then the countdown goes 10...9...8..7...6...5...4...3...2...until the dynamite explodes and Chris disappears. Then gory bloody red letters read "GAME OVER" across the screen.
*
Joe's car was cruising down the street. Peter was in the driver's seat. "Wow Peter! Terrence Yesman sure did a number on you!" Joe complemented. "Now that I feel empowered! I just PUNCH!" Peter said with confidence. "YEAH! Punch 'em Peter!" Cleveland clamoured on. "Now, nothing can bring you down!" Quagmire says. "You bet. I'm feeling very powerful! I'm feeling more empowered than when Goldfinger took over a Pink Panther cartoon." Peter said.
Cutaway Scene:
It shows Goldfinger in a TV Control Room. With a television above him, Goldfinger has a remote control in his hand. The TV was showing a Pink Panther cartoon. "Alas, oh hello viewers at home who are watching. You do know I can turn anything into gold right?" Goldfinger says to the camera. Aiming the remote control at the TV Goldfinger pledges, "Observe! I shall now turn this ordinary Pink Panther cartoon into...." Goldfinger stops talking and presses a button on the remote. The Pink Panther cartoon that was playing turned into gold.
"GOLD PANTHER!" Goldfinger than erupted into insane laughter.
In the Griffin house, Gokudo and his Yazuka men were about to chop Chris's head off. "Don't worry, Chris. Something always saves us Griffins at the last minute!" Lois tells her son. "No, today your son dies! This is capital crime and punishment!" Gokudo told the Griffins.
"Peter said something like that in one of those Star Wars spoofs we did." Brian said. "Oh bring that up again." Stewie rolls his eyes. "Oh no! Chris is going to die!" Meg gasps. Right when Gokudo was about to decapitate Chris, Peter comes in breaking down the door.
"As the Kool-Aid Man always says, 'OH YEAH!'" Peter said with vigor.
"Peter! You're here! Please save our son!" Lois pleaded.
"So I shall! Hey, Japanese dudes!" Peter gets the Yazuka's attention. "What you want?" "Who you!"
"Peter Griffin, that's who! And do you know what today is?" Peter told Gokudo and his Yazuka.
"Dad! You've come to rescue us! Shit! I sound like a damsel in distress." Chris said happily.
"No we no care! Go away before we kill you too!" Gokudo warns Peter. "Oooh, I don't trust Dad about this guys." Meg said. "Shut up, Meg! Now where was I! Oh yes." Peter stands up to the Yazuka and their leader.
"What you gonna do with us?" Gokudo and the Yakuza challenged Peter. "As I was saying. It's Friday the 13th! You know what that means?" Peter dared the Japanese Mob.
"We don't believe in that stuff in Japan. Nor do we care!" Gokudo tells Peter. "It means you're going to have bad luck!" Peter shouts.
Gokudo and his Yakuza all laughed at Peter until he threw mirrors at the Yakuza that all broke. "Yeah, that's right! Now say hello to my kitten friends!" Peter says as he gets a bag of black cats and throws them at the Yakuza. Now, they were beginning to get scared.
"Yeah, that's right! That's right! Now, here's some ladders for you all to walk under!" Peter was now throwing ladders at the Yakuza. As Peter continues to throw black cats, mirrors, and ladders at the Yakuza. Peter chants his mantra, "THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK THROW IT ALL BACK!"
Stewie was surprised at Peter's determination. "We made him scared of Friday the 13th stuff to break him. Not make the Fatman stronger!"
Gokudo and the Yakuza all begin to get frightened. "THIS MAN FUCKING NUTS!" "LET'S RETREAT!" Gokudo and the Yakuza all ran out of the Griffin house all terrified of bad luck. They were all running in a 1960's style sitcom fast motion way, running down the street, never to be seen or heard from again in Quahog.
Lois and Brian were impressed with Peter's bravery. "Peter! You're a hero!" Lois runs to her husband and kisses him. "Wow, Peter. Where did you learn to do that?" Brian asks. "Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire took me to a motivational speaker who told me to 'Throw it all back', and as they say, the rest is history!" Peter tells his story.
"Wow, Dad! You're a ninja slayer! I'm going to do my next school report about how you kicked ass on Friday the 13th!" Chris said.
"So does this mean you're not scared of Friday the 13th Superstitions anymore?" asked Lois. "Nope, never again.
Next time I'll keep better track of the days of the week!" Peter laughs as his whole family joins in.
"I say let's have good luck from here on out!" Brian says. "Sounds good to me, Brian." said Peter.
Meg gets down from the chandelier and finds an open umbrella. "Say, somebody left this umbrella open..." Meg said.
Out of the blue, lightning comes into the house and strikes Meg. Her body flashes as her skeleton shows. Meg falls to the ground. Meg's skin was black and blue from the electricity of the lightning.
"Here I'll resuscitate you!" Peter offers. Then he puts Meg's face into his buttocks and farts on it. That woke Meg up as she jumped up and ran into her room. "YOU BASTARDS! I HATE YOU ALL!" Meg was heard crying in her room. The Griffins ignored Meg's crying as they usually do.
"Forget Peter, I know who we're going to prank on next year's Friday the 13th!" Brian says to Stewie. "I'm in for that!" Stewie agrees.
"I used to hate Friday the 13th! Now I love it!" Peter said. "This moment needs a Family Picture!" Lois says. Afterwards, a picture is taken of Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie, and Brian and put into a Family Photo Album. Underneath the picture it reads.
BEST FRIDAY THE 13TH EVER!
The End
The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!
Tune in next month for my American Dad fanfiction. Girlfriend in Drivers Ed!
Another thing, why hasn't Family Guy done an episode about Friday the 13th? Well, that's why we have fanfiction! So let's get on with it!
Family Guy Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Friday The 13th
Chris Griffin and his friend Neil Goldman were walking home from school. After having been banned on the school bus.
"Since when it is a crime to throw water balloons filled with ink on the school bus?" asks Chris.
"I know, right. It wasn't like we were trying to kill anyone." agrees Neil.
"We were just going after those bullies who make fun of us." Chris said.
"That stupid bus driver bitch reported us to Principal Shepherd. She made it sound like we were throwing them at everybody." Neil says.
"She got so paranoid she even thought some of those those ink filled water balloons were meant for her!" Chris says.
"Perhaps it's all for the best that we don't ride the school bus for a while. Hey, your sister Meg drives. Maybe she can pick us up." Neil suggested.
"Nah, she would never do that." said Chris. Neil and Chris both see a canopy booth with a Japanese man standing in front. A sign reads, "SECRET SAYING."
"Oh look at that, Chris. Want to go check that out?" asked Neil. "Sure! Wouldn't hurt." agrees Chris. The two of them run to the canopy booth and greet the Japanese Man. Running across the street to the canopy booth Chris observes, "I know he's Japanese but he looks like Jackie Chan from Mr. Nice Guy!"
"Kon'nichiwa! Please put in one Yen so you can hear Secret Saying!" The Japanese Man tells Chris and Neil.
"What's yen, Neil? You're Jewish. You have knowledge about money." Chris asks. "Yen is currency from Japan." said Neil.
"Come on, Chris. Just give the dude some Yen. I want to hear this Secret Saying." Neil said. "I'll do my best." said Chris who approaches the Japanese Man. "Sorry I don't have any of this Yen." Chris told him. "Then you never hear the Secret Saying." the Japanese Man said. "Do we look like we have Yen? This is bullshit! Tell us the saying anyway!" Neil demands. "Can I at least give you something that rhymes with Yen? How about a pen?" Chris says after searching deep in his pockets until he found a pen.
"No, so solly. Must go. Have a nice day." The Japanese Man says to Chris and Neil. Chris didn't care, so he put a pen in the can where the yen was supposed to go. This made the Japanese Man very upset.
"YOU DISGRACE JAPAN! I NO WANT PEN! I WANTED YEN! MAY BAD KARMA COME BEFORE YOU!" The Japanese Man screamed at Chris and Neil who were now running away in fear.
"All I wanted to was hear what the Secret Saying was." cries Chris.
"Nobody here in America has Yen. Why didn't he get that?" asked Neil.
"I don't know. This is more fucked up than when the Greased Up Deaf Guy did a TikTok video!" Chris says.
Cutaway Scene:
The Greased Up Deaf Guy says hello into his IPAD. "Hey, everyone. It's me! Your favorite Greased Up Deaf Guy! And today we're going to be too running around a football field naked!" A football fight song was played throughout the cutaway. A football game was being played in a stadium and the Greased Up Deaf Guy runs nude all around the football field. "TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN!" The Greased Up Deaf Guy screams. "Let's get this son of a bitch!" said the football players. "You're ruining our game you asshole!" said another football player chasing the Greased Up Deaf Guy who then says, "If you think this is fun. Wait'll you see what I do during halftime!"
The next morning, Peter Griffin wakes with the morning sun along with Lois. "It's been a long hard week. I'm so glad it's Friday." Lois said. "You're telling me. First we needed a new fridge, then we got a new stove. What's next? Your curling iron? Your toothbrush." Peter says to his wife. "Nobody uses curling irons anymore I don't think." Lois said.
"What date is it on Friday, do you know, Lois?" asked Peter. Lois looks on the calendar and tells Peter, "Oh, what do you know? It's Friday the 13th!" A feeling of horror engulfs Peter who stares blankly in terror. Peter stares at the screen for 20 seconds as the theme to the Twilight Zone plays. "Uhhh, Peter? Are you okay?" Lois asks. "Yeah, I'm fine." said Peter.
"Good for a minute there you looked spooked just because it was Friday the 13th." Lois speaks. "Are you sure it's Friday The 13th?" Peter shook as he asked. "Yes it is. Just don't give into these superstitions like something bad it going to happen." Lois said. "I'm not that dumb." Peter said. "Hope so." Lois says as she walks into the kitchen to make breakfast.
Peter runs into the living room. Gasping and starts to hyperventilate. "I can't believe this. It's Friday the 13th! I know! I better get my Emergency Kit ready!" Brian was at the top of the stairs as he watches Peter open his Friday the 13th Emergency Kit. Brian then goes into Stewie's room and sees Stewie is playing in his nursery. Brian was stunned as he saw the Griffin family baby was dressed like Gary Cooper in High Noon.
"Oh come on in, Brian. Rupert and I just got done playing High Noon! Boy that Gary Cooper was one handsome devil!" Stewie said. "You'll never believe what today is Stewie." Brian tells him. "No wait, don't tell me. Friday the 13th, right?" Stewie said with delight. "Exactly! We're going to get Peter really good today!" Brian said.
"The thought of scaring the Fatman about Friday the 13th superstitions fills me with ecstacy!" Stewie says taking off his costume.
"We'll do everything. Walk under ladders, breaks mirrors, the works!" Brian begins to laugh. "I can just feel the excitement of it now." Stewie giggles.
"Peter will be even more terrified than Reed Hastings was when he cancelled all the good adult cartoons on NetFlix!" Brian said.
Cutaway Scene:
Reed Hastings was sitting in his office. Feeling very satisfied as he was counting his money. "This is a glorious day for me!" begins Reed Hastings. "I finally got rid of those fucking stupid politically incorrect adult cartoons like Bojack Horseman, Paradise PD, and Hoops! In favor of more diverse shows!" Reed Hastings lights up a cigarette and says, "Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea for Paradise PD to have a black guy be a villain! Or a depressed washed up asswipe horse actor would be a great concept for a cartoon? And that Ben Hopkins from Hoops! Gave me shivers down my spine." Stepping out of his office Reed Hastings walks outside to see the demons from the movie Legion surrounding the NetFlix building.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!! SON OF A BITCH! I STARTED THE APOCALYPSE!" Reed Hastings yells in terror.
In the kitchen, Lois was preparing breakfast. She sees Chris is preoccupied about something. "Oh no. Chris. Don't tell me you're scared of this Friday the 13th shit too." Lois protested. "No it's not that. Neil and I were coming home from school and we saw this Japanese dude in a tented canopy who wanted us to pay him in Yen for a secret saying." Chris explains to his mother.
"Well at least yours isn't as extreme as Peter's." Lois says. "It gets worse I put a pen where the guy wanted yen and he got all mad at me and told me bad karma was going to come my way." Chris said in a worried tone. "Well, you need not worry about that. No bad karma or any SUPERSTITIONS will plague our family." Lois tries to reason with Chris. "Thanks for that, Mom." Chris said. "You're welcome. That's what I'm here for, right? We don't believe in bad karma or Buddhism!" Lois adds.
Searching through his Emergency Kit, that was under the couch. Peter talks to himself, "That's easy for her to say." Inside his Energency Kit there were so called good luck charms such as four leaf clovers, rabbits' feet, and a garlic necklace. Lois notices a burn spot on the stove. "Meg! What were you making that burned the stove?" "I was making that expresso you and Dad like." said Meg." Outside the Griffin house, the Japanese Man from before was spying on them.
"No bad karma, hey? Well they got another thing coming!" The Japanese Man says. Lois berated Meg about the stove burn. "We spent over $700 for that stove. After the one your father broke! Now you made some coffee....." "Look I can explain. When I made the coffee I forget because I was reading that book Sharp Objects!." Meg says in the defense. "A-ha! So that's why. What did I tell you about reading intense murder mysteries that later become HBO miniseries!?" "Come on, Mom. I'm 18 and you're still concerned about what I read?" Meg spouts off. "Just get to school before I say something I'll never regret!" Lois yelled as Meg walked out of the house.
Peter was now wearing a lucky rabbits foot and a garlic necklace. "Good! This'll keep the bad luck away from me!"
*
On his way to work, Peter goes out to his car. "Lois, I'm going to work." he calls out. Lois then notices Peter forgot his lunch. "Oh Peter! Don't forget your lunch!" Lois runs to him. Peter was going into his car, Lois gives him his lunch and she notices the rabbits foot and his garlic necklace.
"Peter! What the hell! Why are you wearing a garlic necklace?" Lois asked off the cuff. "It's to ward off vampires." Peter tells her. "WHAT! Vampires don't exist." Lois shouted. "You never can be too sure these days, Lois. It's Friday the 13th so anything can happen!" Peter retorted. Lois grabs the garlic necklace and throws it on the ground. "Why do you have to do that to me? All I want is to get rid of bad luck!" Peter whines.
"There's no such thing as bad luck! Even Chris is terrified that something is out to get him! Just go to work. We'll talk when you get home!" Lois says. Peter drives off to work. Having that feeling that something horrific is going to bestow upon him.
As Peter was on his way to Pawtucket Brewery. He sees he still has his rabbit's foot. "At least I got you, Mr. Rabbit's Foot." Peter moaned. A mile away, Brian and Stewie were hiding behind a STOP sign at a four way corner.
"Okay, Stewie! Here he comes!" Brian tells the baby.
Stewie has a pet taxi cage and opens it. Out comes a black cat.
"All right, Black Cat. We need you to run across the street! Starting....now!" Stewie says to the black cat. Peter was driving to the STOP sign at four way corner. Much to his fear, Peter sees the black cat run across the street just feet away from his car.
"WWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! A BLACK CAT! I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!" Peter screamed at the top of his lungs. Then the black cat jumped onto his windshield as Peter was driving.
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!" Peter gasped in fear. Trying the windshield wipers to pry the cat off didn't work. Then the black cat jumps off the windshield to Peter's car and runs away into street.
Peter's car swerves into a tree. Peter wasn't hurt physically, but he was emotionally. "I knew this was going to happen! I knew it! I knew it! Now Lois will have to believe me! Why does this shit always happen to me? Why can't this happen to Meg instead?" Peter said driving to work although the rear end of his car was broken.
Brian and Stewie high five each other. "That was so awesome!" Brian laughs. "I know, right. It's always fun to get the Fatman on Friday The 13th!" Stewie said.
"Well, it's only the morning so we got all the time in the world today to prank him!" Brian said.
Stewie says, "I'm having more fun than when I was a stand-in for Russell Brand in Get Him To the Greek."
Cutaway Scene:
The music video to African Child was playing. Shows a whole bunch of soldiers shooting. Then Stewie comes into the shot dressed as Aldous Snow.
Stewie sings, "I Have Crossed the Mystic Desert. To Snap Pictures Of The Poor. I've Invited Him To Brunch. Let Them Crash On The Floor! There's Sunshine In My Veins. My Kitchen's Filled With Flies. I'm Crying About In Vain Like a Little African Child....."
Brian interrupts the cutaway. "Stewie! STEWIE!" "Oh sorry, Brian. Damn I look good in that outfit Russell Brand wore in that video!" Stewie cooed.
"I didn't want the cutaway to extend like those Conway Twitty ones Peter used to do. Or that one where you clobbered Will Ferrell about that Bewitched movie. Besides, we got work to do!" Brian said. "Fair enough. So are we going to prank Peter at work now?" Stewie asked.
"Oh yes. I have a plan!" Brian said with an evil smile on his face.
Now at Pawtucket Brewery. Peter was put in charge of storing alcohol on the top shelves in the stock room. Bert and Shield instruct him on what to do.
"Hey, Peter." said Bert.
"Oh hey Bert. What would you like me to do today?" asked Peter.
"We need you to....." starts Sheila
"Pick up those boxes of alcohol..." continues Bert.
"And store them on that top shelf......" Sheila concluded.
Peter looks up and sees the top shelf was 10 stories high.
"If you need assistance....." Bert says.
"Just use a ladder...." Sheila concedes.
"You ought to be fine. Good luck!" Bert says as he departs from the room with his wife.
"Good luck. I'm going to need it. No freaking way I'm using a ladder." Peter bemoaned to himself. A drill peeped out one of the beer barrels. Brian and Stewie were inside. Hiding in a place where Peter could not find them.
"He doesn't want a ladder, hey?" Stewie grinned.
"Sometimes you don't get what you want in life!" Brian smirks.
Peter discovered another way he could climb up to the top. "I got it. Instead of a ladder, I'll just climb up there myself! By using these shelves as stairs!"
Taking one box and climbing the shelves until he reached the top, Peter's plan worked successfully. Brian and Stewie still hiding away and watches as Peter climbed up the shelves as if it were a staircase carrying the boxes of alcohol one by one. Despite being overweight, the shelves Peter climbed had no effect. Brian and Stewie both give each other a 'ready' signal.
Peter took the last box of alcohol and climbed to the top shelf to store it. Peter then came back down. Taking out his rabbits foot from his pants pocket. "I owe this to you, Rabbits Foot"! Peter said to his "good luck charm". As soon as he did, Peter sees a tent.
"Awww, sweet! A tent! That could be my workplace tent where I can sleep! Andy Samberg from Brooklyn Nine Nine had one!" Peter giggles as he enters the tent. However, the tent slid off as soon as Peter entered and exited. When the tent was down, there was a ladder right under it. Peter had an epic freakout.
"OOOOHHHH! NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!!"
Bert and Sheila came rushing into the stock room.
"What's the matter, Peter!" Sheila asks with concern.
Peter cries, "A saw a tent and it turned out to be a ladder.
Bert says, "SO?"
"When I went inside the tent I didn't know that I walked under a ladder! And it's Friday the 13th!" Peter continues to sob.
Sheila said, "Oh. Why exactly are you crying about walking under a ladder?"
Bert joins in, "We don't get it."
Peter explains, "If you walk under a ladder on Friday the 13th, which is today by the way. You break God!" Peter begins to bawl. "I broke God! I broke God!"
Bert and Sheila wanted to laugh at Peter's obsessive superstition belief. Both of them held it in. God watches from Heaven and he cracks up at Peter.
"HAHAHAHAHAAA! People are still dumb enough to fall for the old Walk Under The Ladder trick!" God cracked up.
"You know, Peter." Bert said.
"Maybe you should go home for the rest of the day." Sheila says.
"We'll get Opie to cover for you." Bert said.
"You're right. In the meantime I'll pray to God to forgive me for breaking him!" Peter cries.
"Gosh I feel so sorry for him." said Sheila with concern. "You're telling me. He's taking this Friday the 13th shit way too seriously!" Bert told his wife.
Brian and Stewie run out of Pawtucket Brewery unnoticed. The two of them belt out in laughter.
"Peter is such a dumbass! He'll believe anything!" Brian laughs. "We got him good! We got him jolly good!" laughed Stewie.
Walking out to his car, Peter drives home. "I was really hoping I wasn't going to have any bad luck today. This is even more terrifying than pitch meeting about the Smurf's Unicef commercial.
Cutaway Scene:
Pierre "Peyo" Culliford appears in a Screen Rant Pitch Meeting video as there is two different versions of himself. "So you have a movie for me?" he asked himself.
"Even better. How about a Unicef ad?" Peyo asks himself again. "Great! What's it about?" Peyo says, "How about we do something where bombs drop on the Smurfs!" said the other Peyo. "I'm cool with that! Let's see it!" Peyo said in enjoyment. The Unicef Smurfs video shows the Smurfs opening credits with animals running around the forest. Then the theme song plays in Belgium. As Papa Smurf conducts an orchestra. While all the other Smurfs all dance around a fire. Out of the sky bombs drop and land. All the Smurfs run away and some get killed. Then Baby Smurf who's caught in the middle just sits there and cries.
"So what do you think, Peyo!" Peyo asked his double. "I love it! Let's air it on TV!" The other Peyo responded.
*
Driving home from work. Peter feels distraught. "It's like I can't get away from this bad luck. No matter what I try to do!" Peter talks to himself. At a traffic stop. There was a red light. Peter gets his rabbits foot and throws it out his car window. "So much for rabbits foot! This was useless!"
The rabbits foot breaks Peter's rear view mirror as he screeches in a terrifying way. "YYYYEEEEEEEEKKKKKK! I broke a mirror! Seven years of bad luck! What else can go wrong?" The traffic light turned green. Peter cried as he was driving back home.
In the living room, Lois hears Peter drive up to the driveway. "What is he doing coming home?" she asks herself. Lois runs out to the driveway and Peter is hesitant to walk up. "Peter? Why are you home from work so early?" Lois asks with concern. Peter walks to Lois by stepping over the cracks on the concrete. "What in the world? What's the deal with walking like that, Peter?" Lois asked again.
"If I walk over these cracks I won't break my mother's back!" Peter answers. "Peter, your mother's been dead for 5 years! What the hell is going on?" Lois screamed.
"Friday the 13th is what's going on with me, Lois. Today I was driving to work and a black cat crossed the street. Then I walked inside a tent that turned out to be a ladder that I walked under and I broke God. Even my lucky rabbits foot didn't work out for me. So I threw it out the window and I broke the rear view mirror. Today has been nothing but a string of bad luck for me." Peter sobbed.
Lois decides she's had enough, "This has gone too far! I think you just did all this stuff to yourself to get my attention!" "That's not true. All of this really happened to me!" Peter pleaded.
"We've been over this year after year. How many times do I have to tell you that this Friday the 13th garbage is a bunch of bullshit!?" Lois said. "It's real Lois. It's very real." Peter tells his wife.
"Well, I'm not putting up with this crap from you anymore. I'M FINISHED! Get someone else to help you!" Lois marches back into the house.
"Gosh, Lois is really upset and she doesn't want to listen. She's acting the same way she did when I had a worm in my eye." Peter said.
Cutaway Scene:
Peter and Lois were in their bedroom. "Lois, Lois! I just got back from my Dad's funeral. We were throwing dirt on his grave and I wiped sweat off my eyes." Peter says. "Yes? What is the problem?" asked Lois. "Well, your asshole father saw me and he told me that I have a worm in my eye." Peter sounded worried.
"Oh Peter...." begins Lois. Peter opens his eye wide and points to it, "See my eye! Look and see if you can find a worm in my eye." Lois looks at his eye, "I don't see anything." "LOOK!" shouted Peter in fear pointing to his eye. Lois takes a closer look, "I still see nothing." "You're not even trying!" Peter shook nervously. "I don't know what you want to do here. I'm not an eye doctor...." Lois says but then is interrupted. "I HAVE A WORM IN MY EYE!" Peter screams at the wall.
Lois walked into Chris's bedroom to give him his laundry. Chris was hiding in his closet. "Chris, I know you're in there. Stop trying to hide from your homework." Lois tells him. "That's not what I'm hiding from." Chris tells her as he comes out of his closet. "Then what is it? First Peter, now you." Lois says sounding very fed up. "I'm hiding from the bad karma that's going to come my way after pissing off that Japanese dude!" Chris tells Lois.
"Bad luck! Bad karma! That's all it's been with you two today! Peter cries about Friday the 13th giving him bad luck and now you're crying about bad karma!" Lois roars with anger punching a hole in Chris's bedroom wall. "Uhhh, Sorry?" Chris said innocently. "Come downstairs Chris. We're watching Dr. Phil!" Lois orders her son.
"Yes Mom!" Chris says fearfully. "Sometimes I feel like I'm in charge of a mental hospital when it comes to you and Peter!" Lois rants.
Sitting outside, Peter looks down. Feeling sad and defeated. All was not lost because Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire walk up to him.
"Hey, Peter. Everything okay?" asked Joe.
"Everything sucks." Peter answers.
"What is going on?" asked Cleveland.
"Today is Friday the 13th ad all these terrible things are occurring to me." Peter answers.
"Tell us about your day, Peter." said Quagmire.
A musical montage is shown of all the events that have happened to Peter as the song Bad Luck from Harold Melvin and The Blue Notes plays. The black cat running down the street. Peter going inside a tent that turned out to be a ladder. Peter throwing out his rabbits foot thus breaking his car rear view mirror. The song ends and cuts back to the scene.
"Black cat running across the street? Bet Brian did that! He even had the nerve to think he was 1/18 cat! Damn that son of a bitch!" Quagmire grunted.
"That's beside the point, Glenn!" Joe says.
"Has this Friday the 13th shit happened to you before?" asked Cleveland. "That's the thing. I've never paid attention to the days of the week. Until today. When I found out it was Friday the 13th." speaks Peter.
"Never you worry. We got a solution for you!" Joe said.
"I'd like to hear it. Nobody else will help me. Not even Lois." Peter says sadly.
"We're taking you to a motivational speaker." Cleveland says.
"OKay. I'll go. It's not Tony Robbins is it?" asked Peter.
"Nope, somebody better." Quagmire says. "I even go to him to get my Giggity on!"
"Come with us, Peter." Joe says. "If nobody else can help you at least your friends can." Cleveland said.
"Thanks guys." Peter says following Joe and his friends to his car.
*
In Stewie's room. He and Brian were laughing at how they pranked Peter. "I'll never forget the look on Peter's face when that black cat stuck onto his windshield!" Laughed Brian.
"My favorite part was when he went into that tent that was really a ladder!" cracks up Stewie. "Man that was fun. Now I think we ought to relax." Brian said. "We'll get him again next year. Whenever Friday the 13th rolls along!" said Stewie. Lois calls out, "Hey Brian. Want to watch Dr. Phil with us?" "Okay sure. To make fun of him right?" Brian calls back. "Uhh, yes. Come on it's starting at any minute! Bring Stewie too! It's time for his bottle!" Lois calls out again.
Stewie gets disgusted at the thought of being fed through a bottle, "And to think I spent the whole day with you playing pranks like a college student. Now I gotta be 'baby Stewie' again!" "Well you have one person in this house who understands you and that's me! Now let's go mock Dr. Phil!" Brian says.
Joe drives Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland to Quahog Stadium where all the baseball, football and other sporting events take place. "This is where he is?" asked Peter.
"Yes it is. Just tell him your problem and he'll tell you what to do." Quagmire informs Peter.
Entering the stadium and finding a seat in the audience. A tall older looking man takes center stage. A announcer says, "Ladies and Gentlemen here's the man of the hour, Terrance Yesman!" The audience cheers. Terrance Yesman walks up to the podium.
"Thank you! Thank you! Hello and good day to you, Quahog!" Terrance Yesman greeted the audience. Audience cheers again. "Hey, that looks like Terrance Stamp that Kneel Before Zod guy!" Peter said. "You're all here today because you have a fear. A fear so terrifying that it's hard to overcome. Now. Who in this audience needs my help!" Terrance shouts out to the crowd.
"He does!" Cleveland says pointing to Peter. "He's been through hell and back today!" Joe tries to call out to Terrance Yesman. "He needs help like there's no tomorrow!" Quagmire said pointing at Peter.
Terrance sheds a spotlight on Peter Griffin. "You there! Come on down and tell me what's bothering you!" Terrance Yesman said to Peter.
Running down to the stadium, Peter was now standing with Terrance. "Young man. What is your name?" asked Terrence. "Peter Griffin." "Peter Griffin! I like you!" Terrence said in an enthusiastic way. "You like me? You're not gay are you?" Peter asked with suspicion.
The audience laughs as well as Terrence. "You didn't get offended by that?" Peter speaks. "No I get that a lot. Especially when I say that to men. So tell me, Mr. Griffin. Why are you here?" asked Terrence.
"My friends brought me here because I've had a string of bad luck happen to me today. Friday the 13th." Peter said. The audience showed sympathy. "Friday the 13th? That's not good. Tell us Peter. In your own words. What happened to you today. On Friday The 13th?" Terrence questioned.
"Oh you know. The usual. A black cat crossed the street. I walked under a ladder that I didn't know was there. Then I got so frustrated I threw out my lucky rabbit's foot and broke my rear view mirror." Peter tells his story.
"OOOOHHH!" the audience says. "Want to know what I think you ought to do, Peter?" Terrence implies. "Sure. I'd like to know." Peter said.
"Take all the stuff that happened to you, and throw it all back!' Terrence advises Peter as the audience cheers than chants, "THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK!" "That's right! Throw it all back!" Peter gets an idea. "Exactly! Peter, I have faith in you that you all throw it all back! Because I LIKE YOU!" Terrence said to Peter.
"THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK!" the audience continues to chant. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire join in with the audience but only they say, "ALL RIGHT PETER!" "GO PETER!"
For once, Peter felt empowered. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire helped him in a way that Lois and his family never could.
"Yeah, throw it all back. How will I know?" Peter questions Terrence. "When the time comes you'll know it." Terrence tells him.
Back at the Griffin House. Lois, Meg, Chris, Brian, and Stewie were watching Dr. Phil.
"We Now Return To Dr. Phil." The TV announcer voice says.
"Uhh, Dr. Phil. Seriously Mom? Why do I have to watch this?" asks Meg. "So you can learn to take better care of appliances we spent good money on!" Lois spits at her daughter.
"How's Dr. Phil going to help me?" said Chris. "We'll just have to find out." Lois said. On the Dr. Phil show. The Daytime Show Doctor sits in his chair. "Thanks for joining us here today. We have a very special guest. He comes all the way from France. Please welcome Claude Frollo!" Dr Phil announced.
Stewie says, "What the duece? Wasn't he from The Hunchback of Notre Dame?" "Huh, a Disney villain getting help from Dr. Phil? This ought to be interesting." Brian said with a grin.
On the Dr. Phil show, Frollo says, "Thanks for having me, Dr. Phil." "Great to have you here, Frollo. So tell me. What made you come here?" Dr Phil asked Frollo.
"It's that ungrateful asshole I adopted Quasimodo! I did everything for him! I clothed him. Sheltered him gave him food. Now he wants to run away from me and marry a slutty Gypsy whore named Esmeralda!" Frollo cries.
As the Dr. Phil show was playing on the Griffin family TV screen, the Japanese Man from the canopy booth from earlier was still outside their house. This time he had what looked like an army with him. The Japanese Man turned out to be the leader of the Yakuza. Which was the name for the Japanese Mafia. His name was Gokudo.
Within a matter of seconds, Gokudo and his band of Yakuza all broke into the Griffin house without fair warning.
"BANZAI!"
Meg screams. As does Lois. "Who are you people?" she screeches in fear. "We are the Yakuza! Japanese Mafia!" Gokudo tells them.
"Holy fucking shit! You're the guy who wanted yen for a secret saying!" Chris gulped. "See I told you bad karma was coming! But you didn't want to listen. Now look what happened!" Chris went on.
"Yes that it correct. I wanted Yen. You gave me pen! For that, you and will family will face a big horrible tragedy!" Gokudo laughed evilly along with his other members of the Yazuka. "Leave Chris alone! He didn't do anything bad!" Meg demanded.
"Shut up, Meg!" Gokudo yelled at her. Then taking his samurai sword and slapping Meg across the face with it. Sending her flying into a chandelier.
Brian says, "Stewie. You've dealt with assholes like this before. Why don't you try something?" "OKay." Stewie said. Stewie walks up to Gokudo and says, "You guys look like you need a new recruit. If you let me join you, I'll let you in on some world domination secrets!"
Gokudo throws Stewie over his shoulder. "BLAST!" screams the baby. "Please! Don't hurt my family!" Lois said. "Your dumb fatass son play terrible joke on us." Gokudo tells the Griffins.
"Is that why you're mad at me? Because I gave you a pen instead of yen? I didn't have yen!" Chris tries to reason with the Yazuka. "Doesn't matter! You play very terrible offensive joke when you gave me a pen instead of yen like I wanted." Gokudo said.
"I get it. Because of what Chris did, these Yazuka thinks they were disgraced. If the Japanese think they've been disgraced, they extend their wrath on whoever they're angry at." Brian said. "You've always been quite the know it all, weren't you, Brian." Lois said.
"Look, I'm sure Chris didn't mean anything bad by what he did. You gotta understand. This is America. None of us here in small town Rhode Island have yen!" Brian said.
"Too bad! Doesn't matter! Now to commence bad karma on this family! BANZAI!" "So much for Zen Buddhism!" Stewie stated sarcastically.
Gokudo and his Yazuka all charged after Chris. "MOM! BRIAN! STEWIE!" HELP ME!" Chris screams in distress.
"What're we supposed to do?" Lois screamed hysterically. "I know! How does Chris expect us to fight off these guys and help him?" Brian said.
"If someone doesn't intervene soon, I'm going to end up having my own Game Over Kill Screen!" Chris talks.
Cutaway Scene:
A video game screen is shown with Chris tied to a chair with a stack of dynamite right next to him. "Wait! I didn't agree to be a character in Final Fight!" Chris protests. The word reads CONTINUE then the countdown goes 10...9...8..7...6...5...4...3...2...until the dynamite explodes and Chris disappears. Then gory bloody red letters read "GAME OVER" across the screen.
*
Joe's car was cruising down the street. Peter was in the driver's seat. "Wow Peter! Terrence Yesman sure did a number on you!" Joe complemented. "Now that I feel empowered! I just PUNCH!" Peter said with confidence. "YEAH! Punch 'em Peter!" Cleveland clamoured on. "Now, nothing can bring you down!" Quagmire says. "You bet. I'm feeling very powerful! I'm feeling more empowered than when Goldfinger took over a Pink Panther cartoon." Peter said.
Cutaway Scene:
It shows Goldfinger in a TV Control Room. With a television above him, Goldfinger has a remote control in his hand. The TV was showing a Pink Panther cartoon. "Alas, oh hello viewers at home who are watching. You do know I can turn anything into gold right?" Goldfinger says to the camera. Aiming the remote control at the TV Goldfinger pledges, "Observe! I shall now turn this ordinary Pink Panther cartoon into...." Goldfinger stops talking and presses a button on the remote. The Pink Panther cartoon that was playing turned into gold.
"GOLD PANTHER!" Goldfinger than erupted into insane laughter.
In the Griffin house, Gokudo and his Yazuka men were about to chop Chris's head off. "Don't worry, Chris. Something always saves us Griffins at the last minute!" Lois tells her son. "No, today your son dies! This is capital crime and punishment!" Gokudo told the Griffins.
"Peter said something like that in one of those Star Wars spoofs we did." Brian said. "Oh bring that up again." Stewie rolls his eyes. "Oh no! Chris is going to die!" Meg gasps. Right when Gokudo was about to decapitate Chris, Peter comes in breaking down the door.
"As the Kool-Aid Man always says, 'OH YEAH!'" Peter said with vigor.
"Peter! You're here! Please save our son!" Lois pleaded.
"So I shall! Hey, Japanese dudes!" Peter gets the Yazuka's attention. "What you want?" "Who you!"
"Peter Griffin, that's who! And do you know what today is?" Peter told Gokudo and his Yazuka.
"Dad! You've come to rescue us! Shit! I sound like a damsel in distress." Chris said happily.
"No we no care! Go away before we kill you too!" Gokudo warns Peter. "Oooh, I don't trust Dad about this guys." Meg said. "Shut up, Meg! Now where was I! Oh yes." Peter stands up to the Yazuka and their leader.
"What you gonna do with us?" Gokudo and the Yakuza challenged Peter. "As I was saying. It's Friday the 13th! You know what that means?" Peter dared the Japanese Mob.
"We don't believe in that stuff in Japan. Nor do we care!" Gokudo tells Peter. "It means you're going to have bad luck!" Peter shouts.
Gokudo and his Yakuza all laughed at Peter until he threw mirrors at the Yakuza that all broke. "Yeah, that's right! Now say hello to my kitten friends!" Peter says as he gets a bag of black cats and throws them at the Yakuza. Now, they were beginning to get scared.
"Yeah, that's right! That's right! Now, here's some ladders for you all to walk under!" Peter was now throwing ladders at the Yakuza. As Peter continues to throw black cats, mirrors, and ladders at the Yakuza. Peter chants his mantra, "THROW IT ALL BACK! THROW IT ALL BACK THROW IT ALL BACK!"
Stewie was surprised at Peter's determination. "We made him scared of Friday the 13th stuff to break him. Not make the Fatman stronger!"
Gokudo and the Yakuza all begin to get frightened. "THIS MAN FUCKING NUTS!" "LET'S RETREAT!" Gokudo and the Yakuza all ran out of the Griffin house all terrified of bad luck. They were all running in a 1960's style sitcom fast motion way, running down the street, never to be seen or heard from again in Quahog.
Lois and Brian were impressed with Peter's bravery. "Peter! You're a hero!" Lois runs to her husband and kisses him. "Wow, Peter. Where did you learn to do that?" Brian asks. "Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire took me to a motivational speaker who told me to 'Throw it all back', and as they say, the rest is history!" Peter tells his story.
"Wow, Dad! You're a ninja slayer! I'm going to do my next school report about how you kicked ass on Friday the 13th!" Chris said.
"So does this mean you're not scared of Friday the 13th Superstitions anymore?" asked Lois. "Nope, never again.
Next time I'll keep better track of the days of the week!" Peter laughs as his whole family joins in.
"I say let's have good luck from here on out!" Brian says. "Sounds good to me, Brian." said Peter.
Meg gets down from the chandelier and finds an open umbrella. "Say, somebody left this umbrella open..." Meg said.
Out of the blue, lightning comes into the house and strikes Meg. Her body flashes as her skeleton shows. Meg falls to the ground. Meg's skin was black and blue from the electricity of the lightning.
"Here I'll resuscitate you!" Peter offers. Then he puts Meg's face into his buttocks and farts on it. That woke Meg up as she jumped up and ran into her room. "YOU BASTARDS! I HATE YOU ALL!" Meg was heard crying in her room. The Griffins ignored Meg's crying as they usually do.
"Forget Peter, I know who we're going to prank on next year's Friday the 13th!" Brian says to Stewie. "I'm in for that!" Stewie agrees.
"I used to hate Friday the 13th! Now I love it!" Peter said. "This moment needs a Family Picture!" Lois says. Afterwards, a picture is taken of Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie, and Brian and put into a Family Photo Album. Underneath the picture it reads.
BEST FRIDAY THE 13TH EVER!
The End
The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!
Tune in next month for my American Dad fanfiction. Girlfriend in Drivers Ed!
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