FicWad

American Dad Presents


A Narwhal Puppy Production


X'ed Girlfriend


As Roger was sleeping in the attic. He was awaken by a sound. A cry that sounded like "Daddy" "Daddy". Slowly and surely waking up, Roger staggered over to his baby Rogu. "Daddy" "Daddy" Rogu cries. "What do you want now?" Roger asks his son. "Potty." Rogu replies. "But you just went 10 minutes ago!" Roger tells Rogu. Picking up Rogu from his crib, Roger sees a clear stain all over Rogu's bed. Roger screams, "BBBWWAAAHHH! I thought you were toilet trained!" Roger took off the sheets to Rogu's crib and quietly as he could, put them in the washer. "Hope this washer can get rid of baby alien shit." Roger says.

Going over to a rocking chair to rock Rogu back to sleep, Roger looked at the clock hoping it would be morning soon. However, it was only 2 am. "Awww, dammit! Son of a bitch!" Roger complains. "As Fred Flintstone used to say, I have a feeling it's going to be a long night!" When Roger rocked Rogu in the chair. Rogu finally fell asleep. Roger put Rogu back in his crib. "Geez, finally!" Roger says as he goes back to his bed and sleeps.

An hour later, Rogu woke up again. "DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!" Klaus barges into Roger's attic. "Hey, Roger! Shut that kid of yours up! I have an appointment with Lenscrafters tomorrow! Have to be fresh in the morning!" Klaus shouted at Roger. "Like I don't know that, fish! Bad enough I have to keep Rogu quiet and have to take a bow of silence myself!" Roger tells Klaus.

"I got an idea. How I can make Rogu stop crying!" Klaus suggests. "What do you possibly know?" asked Roger. Klaus tries to get Rogu's attention. "Trust me! Watch and learn from the pro!" Klaus said with confidence. "Look at the goldfish, sweetie!" Roger tells Rogu. Klaus says to Rogu, "Okay now, Rogu! Watch me! Watch me! Watch me!" Klaus orders. Rogu looked at Klaus as the goldfish was doing a headstand. Rogu begins to laugh.

Roger was impressed with how Klaus got Rogu to stop crying, "That was awesome, Klaus. You got it going on!" Rogu laughed until he fell asleep then Roger and Klaus fell asleep and slept until morning.

The next day, the Smith family were doing their usual morning routine. All eyes looked upon Roger he looked dead tired although he was able to sleep after Rogu had his tantrum. "Good Gosh, Roger. You don't look so good." Francine said with worry. "Oh, it's nothing new. Roger was probably out partying all night again." Stan says reading his newspaper. "As if! Man, nobody told me raising a baby can be so tough!" Roger spits out.

"Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood! You think you had it bad, you should've had a baby like Steve." Stan poked into Roger. "What was I thinking letting Rogu stay with us? I should've put him up for adoption!" Roger speaks out. "That'd be a fatal dumbass mistake. Someone sooner or later will discover Rogu is an alien." Stan told Roger. "I think you made the right choice to have him stay with us. We would not want one of our own being raised by total strangers." Francine replied.

Hayley, Jeff, and Steve come into the kitchen. "Hey, Roger! New look? You better be using cruelty free make up!" warns Hayley. "This isn't make up! I was up all night with Rogu! He wakes up every hour like clock work!" Roger said. "I feel your pain, Roger. This reminds me of when me and Snot made those clones." Steve said. "Nobody said having a kid is going to be easy. Right Jeff." said Hayley. "Right, Hayley babe. All the more reason we stay child free!" Jeff responded.

"Why doesn't anyone aside from Steve have any sympathy for me! Shit! Look at me! I'm like Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom!" Roger rages. "You were the one who wanted Rogu to stay with us." Francine said. "You made your own bed now lay in it!" Stan says. Rogu begins to cry again. "Fuck it to hell! There he goes again!" Roger complains. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Rogu cries out. "Has anyone seen Klaus?" asks Roger.

"Oh he told me he was going to get some eyeglasses. He left long ago." Steve said. "Klaus is the only one who can make Rogu stop crying!" said Roger. "Maybe he's hungry!" Francine implied. Frantically searching the cupboards for Rogu's baby formula, Roger sees that it's all run out. "Oh no! I must've given him the last one last night!" Roger panicked.

"Don't just stand there and panic. Go out and get some!" says Stan handing Roger the keys to his SUV. "Sure would be cool if any of you could lend a hand!" Roger yelled. "No Roger. He's your kid he's your problem! We got our own lives to deal with." Stan tells Roger straight out. Storming out of the house, feeling groggy from last night, Roger enters the SUV and drives off.

"Maybe Roger's right, perhaps we can....." Francine begins to speak. "Nope! Roger is Rogu's sole caregiver. Only he will raise him." Stan says.

Roger was driving the SUV to the grocery store. Barely being able to stay awake and concentrate on the road. All Roger can focus on was Rogu's crying. Images of Rogu floated around Roger's mind. The alien begins to complain, "Fatherhood! What a bunch of cockamamie bullshit! There's other things I'm doing with my life like making an internet app where you can watch movies from the 1960s to 1980s." That was until Roger crashed the SUV into a semi truck that caused a fender bender. The police soon surrounded the scene. Back home, Stan was wondering what was taking Roger so long. Running out of the house, Stan takes Francine's car to track down Roger.

Driving down the street, Stan sees the scene of the accident. He was immediately horrified seeing that Roger caused a fender bender with this SUV. "My SUV! Son of a bitch! That's going to come out of my paycheck!" Stan screamed. Then Stan was happy to see that Roger was being taken away by the police. "That's it! Roger is outta my house! I have a plan!" One of the cops came up to Stan.

"Uhh, sir. Was that your car?" asks the cop. "Yes it was." answers Stan. "Would you like to testify against the guy who crashed it?" asks the cop again. "Yes! You bet I will." Stan gruffed in anger.

Later on, Roger was being arraigned in court. He now stands before a judge. "Roger Smith is it?" the judge asks. "Yes sir that is me!" Roger told the judge. Stan bursts into the courtroom, "That's the asshole right there! He's the one who crashed my SUV!" Stan said. The judge banged his gavel. "I will not have any outbursts in my courtroom." The judge goes over the proceedings. "It says right here, Roger. You never applied for a drivers license."

"WHAT! I thought I had applied for one years ago!" Roger protested. "Throw the book at him!" Stan shouted. "ENOUGH!" the judge said pounding his gavel. "The records show that you Roger never signed up for a driver's license! Thus, you've been driving without one for years. That's not good." the judge said.

"Come on! What are you waiting for! Throw the book at his ass! I know! Throw the book 'From The Hip'! Get it!" laughs Stan although he wanted to go against Roger because he was steamed at him for wrecking his SUV. "Damn you Stan! Why did you have to mention my favorite courtroom comedy movie when I'm being arrigned!" Roger yelled out.

"ORDER! ORDER!" The judge renders his decision. "I'll give you two choices, Roger. You can either go to jail for 30 days. Or you can agree to take a Driver's Ed course. Choice is yours."

"I'll take Driver's Ed." Roger says, "Even though I already know how to drive!" Stan then remembers Roger had Rogu to take care of. He tells the judge, "Release him to my custody! I'll be sure he takes and completes that Driver's Ed course and gets his license."

The judge says, "This court recommends that you Roger Smith must complete a week course of Driver's Ed in order to obtain a license. Case dismissed!" The judge pounds his gavel. "Thank you, judge. I didn't want Roger to go to jail. He has a kid you know. I would not want that kid to have to live with the social stigma of having a parent in jail." Stan tells the judge.

Stan and Roger soon leave the courtroom and go home in Francine's car. Meanwhile, Stan's car was being towed to the nearest auto repair shop.

Roger was thankful that Stan had a sudden change of heart. "Thanks for saving my ass back there, Stan." Roger said. "I had to do it. You do have Rogu to take charge of." Stan said. "When I get my driver's license, can I drive your SUV again?" Roger asks. "No fucking way! After the fender bender stunt you pulled, I will never trust you with my SUV ever again! Hell, I wouldn't even trust you with one of those Casey the Robot Toys from the 1980s!" Stan says. "I didn't get enough sleep last night. Tried like fuck to focus on the road! I was getting baby formula for Rogu!" Roger tries to reason. "Uhhh, nothing is ever your fault." said Stan rolling his eyes.

"How am I supposed to get around? I have a kid now. So I need some means of transportation!" Roger pleaded with Stan. "I know. How about while you're in Drivers Ed. Get yourself a girlfriend." Stan suggests. Stan thinks to himself, 'Perfect plan to get Roger out of the house.' "What good would that do? I don't exactly have a good track record with relationships and commitment." Roger explains. "Now this is your big chance to learn. Have her drive your lazy alien ass around. And have her help you raise Rogu." Stan says.

Once Stan and Roger were home. Francine got a call from the Auto Shop. Thankfully, Stan's SUV had only minor damages due to the fender bender Roger was involved with. The cost wasn't very expensive.



*


The next morning, Roger was due to go to his Driver's Ed class that the court appointed to him. "Bye Smith family. I'll be back in 5 hours." Roger says mournfully. "Why do you feel bad about Driver's Ed, Roger? I'd give my arm and a leg to go to Driver's Ed." asked Steve. "Yeah, at least you didn't have to do any jail time. Believe me, you wouldn't want that." Francine says. "Uhhh, who's going to take care of Rogu while I'm in Drivers Ed?" Roger asked. "Why we will, of course!" Hayley said. "Yeah, go to your Driving Course and Rogu will be in good hands better than Allstate." Jeff stated.

"Just don't know how I'm going to get there, though." Roger said. "Have Dad drive you!" Steve says. "His SUV is all fixed." Klaus joins in.

"I'll find my own way." Roger walks out the door. As soon as the alien left, Rogu begins to cry. Francine was filled with vigor. "Boy this brings back some happy fond memories! Come on, kids! We gotta baby to take care of!"

"We're on it, Mrs. S!" Jeff says. Francine points to each of them, "Steve, go get the diapers. Hayley, go get the baby powder, Jeff, go fix the sheets on Rogu's crib!"

Walking down the street trying to find some way to get to Driver's Ed. Roger stands at a bus stop and paces back and forth. Roger begins to sing the 'Caddyshack theme'. But just the first verses.

"I'm All Right! Nobody's Worried About Me...."

Stan drives by Roger in the SUV. He pulled up in front of Roger. "Hey, Roger. Starting Drivers Ed, hey?" Stan boasts cheerfully.

"Yes, I've decided to take the metro bus and...." as Roger was about to talk to Stan, the metro bus sped past Stan and Roger. Which made Stan really mad.

Before Roger knew it, Stan drove him to the DMV and dropped him off in a chagrined manner. "Learn everything you can about driving. For I have better things to do than drive you to school all the time!" Stan drove off leaving Roger to fend for himself.

Going inside the DMV, Roger goes to the lady at the front desk. "Can I help you sir?" she asked causally. "Uh, yes. I'm looking for the Driver's Ed Class." Roger tells her. "It's the second door on your left." she answers. "Thanks". Roger says. Then Roger remembers what Stan told him about getting a girlfriend and how Rogu needed a mother figure in his life. Roger in an act of desperation decides to ask out the lady at the desk.

"So, uh busy Saturday?" Roger asks the lady who then gets a sinister look on her face. "I know your type! You want to go out with me so you can have sex with me....." she lays into Roger.

"No, no. It's not that at all...." Roger tried to explain. "You're one of those Harvey Weinstein types who want to put their dicks in women so they can rape them! Get off my ass or I'll fucking slanderize you on social media! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT! YOU WOULD-BE RAPIST ASSHOLE!" the lady screeches at Roger as he runs into the Driver's Ed class.

The teacher there was a male. He was tall, fat, a little bald and had a neckbeard. "Who are you?" he asks. "I'm Roger Smith. I'm here to apply for my license."

"Good. You came to the right place. Go take a seat next to Stephanie there." the teacher advised Roger. Roger sits next the woman named Stephanie. She was fat, had long hair, and buckteeth. She wore a t shirt that had a wolf on it that reads Mr. Irritable, and stretch pants. "You seem nice." Stephanie tells Roger.

"You do too. Cool shirt you got on." Roger tells her. "Thanks I wear it for roller derby. Next time I see you I'll let you have it." Stephanie said.

"May Drivers Ed Class begin!" announces the the teacher who's name was Mr. Vain. "Good morning class. My name is Mr. Vain."

"Good morning Mr. Vain." the Drivers Ed class greeted him as did Roger and Stephanie.

Roger giggled, "Mr. Vain? Like that pop song from the early 90's?"

Then Mr. Vain shows his dominant side. "SILENCE! THAT INCLUDES YOU!"

The class was now quiet. Mr. Vain begins, "You are here because you have abused your privilege as motorists. And you have disgraced the name of the Department of Motor Vehicles."

Roger under his breath, "Dude, this guy has a stick up his ass!"

Mr Vain continues, "Now I'm sure there are lots of Driver Schools who allow you to take their tests like intelligent humans beings......WELL THAT'S NOT THE WAY WE DO THINGS HERE!" Looking all around at his class Mr. Vain says, "As far as I'm concerned. You're all a bunch of wild dicks!"

Stephanie says, "I love wild dicks! That's why I do roller derby! You get male groupies!"

"SHUT UP!" Mr. Vain screamed again. Even Roger was scared. Mr. Vain goes over the rules. "There will be no talking whatsoever. No profanity, no eating food of any kind. Blowing your nose or playing with your penis is STRICTLY PROHIBITED!"

Getting a whip and slamming it on the chalkboard, Mr. Vain says, "Now let us begin by telling you the BASIC ELEMENTS OF DRIVING! We will begin today by learning about road signs......"

Back at the Smith House. Francine, Hayley, Jeff, Steve, and even Klaus were all helping to pitch in to take care of Rogu.

Who is now laying in his crib very content. Sleeping soundly. "Will you look at that." sighs Francine. "Rogu looks so sweet when he sleeps." Hayley agrees. "Guess it's true what they say, it really does take a village to raise a child." Jeff said. "This experience can come in handy for me if I ever knock up a girl and she decides to keep the baby." Steve says.

Klaus joins in, "It's rather nice we pitch in to help out Roger while he's in Driver's Ed." "Shut up Klaus." Francine whispers. Later in the day, Stan and Roger both got home at the same time. "How was your first day?" asks Stan. "It was okay so far." answers Roger. "You need to stick with it so you can get your license. You bet your ass I will never let you drive anything without one. That's why I wanted to destroy you in court." Stan tells Roger.

Francine comes into the living room. "Roger, we took care of Rogu while you were gone." "Thanks so much Frannie." Roger says who added on, "I meet a girl today." "Wow! Already? You better enjoy this week of Francine and the kids taking care of Rogu. Pretty soon before you know it, you'll be walking down the aisle. Getting married, and then you and your wife can take care of Rogu. All by yourselves." Stan said.

"Is this why you're making Roger take Driver's Ed? So he can get married?" Francine asks in suspicion.

"Well yes. He needs to stop slacking off us. Live his own life. Be responsible. And become a better man for his kid!" Stan said.

Roger stammers, "You mean, you want me out of the house? As soon as I get a girlfriend?" Stan tells him, "Absolutely. Move in with her if you have to. You have no job skills so I think getting married will be great for you. Call me traditional but you need to get married for Rogu. He needs a mother figure."

Hayley defends Roger, "Dad, Jeff and I live here with you. Why can't Roger stay if he gets a girlfriend?" "Yes, Mr. S. I like having Roger here." Jeff speaks up. "Yeah, that's the whole idea, one married couple is enough! Not only that I don't want him breaking any more cars!" Stan said.

That very night, laying in bed. Roger was up all night thinking and obsessing about what Stan expected of him.
As the days went on, in Drivers Ed, Roger and his class had to watch a Driver's Movie called Rules of The Road. Mr. Vain yelled, "SHUT UP AND WATCH THIS! TAKE NOTES TOO!" The movie begins with a Clown saying, "Hey People! Let's talk about driving! You know, driving a car can be fun! But if you're like me. Sometimes you forgot the...." the title appears "RULES OF THE ROAD!" The clown appears again, and laughs, "Let's get to our first lesson. Another caption reads "RED CONCRETE!" Then it shows two teens a boy and a girl going into a car. A voice says, "Watch these two teenagers get into their car". It shows the teens driving recklessly and irresponsibly until they crash into a truck. The voice says again, "What just happened to these teens? They wanted to go for a joyride when they should've been following the...." the title appears again, "RULES OF THE ROAD!" The clown appears for the last time and giggles, "Wasn't that fun people! Happy driving!"

When class got out, Stephanie gives Roger the shirt she wore yesterday. It stank of heavy perfume. "That was more shittier than Signal 50!" Roger mumbles to himself. Stephanie stops Roger.

"Hey, Roger. Here's the shirt you wanted." Stephanie said. "Well, thank you, Stephanie. Didn't have to put perfume on it." Roger said. "That's the whole idea why I did." Stephanie explains. "Why did you do that?" asks Roger. "Because, I want to go out with you! Here's my number." Stephanie says, giving Roger her number. Roger gives her his number as well.

"As Ace Ventura once said, Allrighty Then!" Roger tells her. "Great! I'll call you on Saturday when you pass your Driver's Test." Stephanie said. Roger and Stephanie both went their separate ways.

Roger felt both excited, happy, and yet he felt anxious like he was being practically pushed out the front door.

"I don't know what I'm more nervous for. Driver's Test or going out with Stephanie. Stan's right. Rogu needs a mother. I must do this. For myself! For Stan! For Rogu!" Roger marched out of the DMV like a conquerer.



*



Friday had come. Roger did exceptionally well in Driver's Ed. Because Roger already knew how to drive after years and years without a license until five days ago when he was finally caught. Today was the big day for Roger. The day of his Driver's Test that will prove him worthy of getting a license.

Roger goes to his Driver's Test. "Well, wish me luck you guys." Stan goes off to work, "Goodbye, Francine. I'll be home for dinner!" Francine then remembers she had to go pick up a package at the post office from her adoptive parents Ma Ma and Ba Ba. "Holy shit! I totally forgotten that Ma Ma and Ba Ba sent me a package. I gotta go to the post office. So, Jeff, Hayley, and Steve. You're in charge on Rogu and don't forget anything I taught you!"

"I'll try to pitch in too!" Klaus calls out.

"We got your covered, Mom!" Steve calls out. Jeff and Hayley go over to the playpen where Rogu was. Rogu saw that Stan, Francine, and Roger were all out of the house. Rogu begins to have a tantrum. "WWWAAAHHH! WWWAAAHHH! WWWAAAHHHH!"

"Dude, no wonder Roger is having a hard time caring for Rogu by himself!" Jeff implies. "This is our biggest challenge yet. As I saw what Mom did. You just have to rock him." Hayley says. Taking Rogu out of the crib to rock him, Rogu cries worse than before.

"Give it up, Hayley. It's not working!" Steve yelled. Then Steve gets an idea, "I know. Maybe he needs his diaper changed." Steve sniffs Rogu's diaper and sure enough it stank. "Yep. He needs a diaper all right. I'll take care of this. Mom showed me how to change one." Steve went ahead and changed Rogu's diaper. It didn't stop the crying.

"I think I know what's going on here." Hayley speaks. "What's your theory, Hayley babe?" Jeff asks. "Well, when Roger went away to Driver's Ed, Rogu has become attached to Mom. I think Rogu misses Mom." Hayley answers.

"I think you could be right. Rogu sure has gotten attached to her." Jeff tells his wife. "WWWAAAAHHHHH! WWWWAAAAAHHHH!" "Babies get attached to mothers, that's for sure." Steve said. Rogu's crying was out of control. Klaus walks in the living room with confidence.

"Stand back everybody. I know how to get this baby to stop crying!" Klaus says. "What can you possibly do?" asked Steve. "Carry mein bowl over to Rogu's playpen!" Klaus orders them. Jeff carried Klaus into Rogu's playpen. "Was that what you wanted me to do?" asks Jeff. "Exactly. Now, leave this to me!" said Klaus. Rogu looks at Klaus and was still crying.

"Oh Klaus I hope you know what you're doing. You're not exactly babysitter material!" Hayley said.

"Have some faith in me will you!" Klaus said. Klaus now had his eyes on Rogu. "OKay Baby Rogu. Watch me! Watch me! Watch me now!"

Klaus does a headstand and instead of making Rogu laugh like the last time. Rogu picks up Klaus's bowl and drinks it.

"THIRSTY!" Rogu shouted as he drank the bowl and swallowed Klaus inside.

"OOOOHHHHH FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!" Klaus screams as he goes down Rogu's throat.

"Could this get anymore fucking worst!" Steve panics. "I know right! Now we got figure out a way to get Klaus out of Rogu!" Hayley said.

Inside of Rogu Klaus shouts out, "Better think of something soon! Or I'm going become alien shit!"

"Guess we'll have to wait until Mrs. S comes home." Jeff said. Jeff, Hayley, and Steve were now faced with a crisis. One that they didn't know what to do.

At the DMV, Roger was ready for his Driver's Test. Standing outside the building. He sees a sign that says "Wait Here For Instructor." His Driving Instructor walks up to him pretending to drive a car. The Driving Instructor was a Chinese Man. "Ha-woah! Get in now!" said the Chinese Driving Instructor who's name was Gung Hu. "I am your instructor Gung Hu! I teach you to drive the Zen way!"

Confused as ever, Roger walks into the 'invisible car' and stands right next to Gung Hu. "Fasten seat belt!" Gung Hu orders Roger who then pretends to put on a belt. "Now put in gear! Drive the car. Be the car, AAAAHHHHMMMM!" Gung Hu told Roger.

Gung Hu and Roger walk around the driving course pretending to drive. "I teach my students to drive the Zen way." Gung Hu informed Roger. "Kinda figured that. At least you're not like that asshole teacher I had." Roger said. "Less talk more drive!" Gung Hu shouts.

Walking along the driving course, Gung Hu was telling Roger, "Little on gas. Little sore!" Roger went along with the pretend driving. Gung Hu saw a mannequin and said, "Pedestrian Area!" A ball bounced right beside Roger and Gung Hu. "Look out now!" Gung Hu told Roger. "Uhhh, screech!" Roger said who then stopped walking. Gung Hu writes something on a notepad. "Good. Very good. Drive the car. Be the car. AAAAHHHHMMMM."

The driving test continued as Roger and Gung Hu were walking along the driving course. "Continue now. Little on gas! Little sore." A road sign that reads, "Deer Crossing" Roger didn't see the sign, so a fake deer came out of nowhere, and Gung Hu shouts, "LOOK OUT!" Roger stopped abruptly and bumped into the deer.

The deer turned out to be a man in a costume who pretended to be hurt. "OOOOWWWW! Did you see this asshole!" the man in the deer outfit said. Another man came from the fake bushes and says, "I saw it!"

"Oh gosh! Now I'll never get my license now!" Roger cries. The man from the bushes says, "I'm a witness!" Who then walks up to the man who was in the deer outfit. "That's a compound fracture I've seen them!" said the man. Gung Hu and Roger watched the two men.

"He came out of nowhere!" The man in the deer outfit said. Then the two men both confront Roger. "I hope you have fucking insurance pal! Because you're going to hear from my lawyer!"

An hour had passed, the Gung Hu and Roger were finished with the Driver's Test. Both of them were now headed to the end of the Driver's Course.

Gung Hu hands Roger his report, "Take it and go. Remember next time you go in car, Drive the Car! Be the Car, AAAAAHHHMMMM!" Roger looks over his report. He passed and he could not be more happier. Then he goes to the front desk. The lady who used to work there got fired. Now Buckle was working there

"What happened to that bitch from last week?" asks Roger. Her replacement was Buckle. "Oh her? She got fired for falsely accusing men of sexual harassment. So, what can I do for you?" "I want to get my picture taken for my license. I passed!" Roger said.

Buckle leads Roger over to the screen to get his picture taken. Soon after, Roger officially has his Driver's License.



*


Jeff, Hayley, and Steve try everything to get Klaus out of Rogu. "Still can do CPR, but it didn't do anything." Steve imposed. "I know. We even tried using fish food as bait." Jeff adds on. "Epicac didn't work, either!" Hayley says. Francine finally came back from the post office, immediately she knew there was something going on that wasn't right.

"Call it mother's intuition. Something happened with Rogu, I know it!" Francine said. "He swallowed Klaus!" Hayley announced. This automatically sends Francine into a frenzy. "Oh no! A baby swallowed something. This is a mother's worst nightmare! Rogu is going to choke! Klaus is probably dead! I'm going to have a nervous breakdown!" Francine fell to the floor. Klaus calls from inside Rogu, "Chill out, Francine! I'm the one who should have a breakdown! It's like 20000 Leagues Under the Sea in here!"

Francine was relieved, "Klaus! You're still alive!" "Or course I am! Roger once told me it takes months for an alien's digestive system to kick in!" Klaus informs her. "That explains why Roger is a little on the chubby side." said Steve. "Fish yummy!" Rogu cooed.

"We've never had a thing like this happen before. Guess we will just have to wait until Stan gets home." says Francine. "Good thinking there. Who knows how long that would take!" Klaus protested. Stan comes home in a matter of minutes. All done with his work for the CIA for the day. "Francine, honey! I'm home!" Stan announces himself.

"Stan, thank God you're here. Rogu swallowed Klaus." Francine tells her husband. "Not a problem for me. We CIA agents are great at getting things out of stomachs. You should see what we do with drug smugglers who swallow balloons!" Stan says.

Putting on some rubber gloves, Stan goes over to Rogu. Stan reaches into Rogu's throat. In no time at all, Klaus was out of Rogu's stomach. "Thank you, Stan. Anymore time in that asshole baby's stomach I would've snapped." Klaus extends his gratitude.

Roger bursts into the house. "Guess who passed his driver's test! This guy!" Francine cheers, "Congratulations Roger! I'm so happy for you."

"Outstanding for you, Roger. All the more reason for you to move in with Stephanie." Stan said.

"Why do you say that?" Roger asked puzzled. "We just had a adventure with Rogu and Klaus." Steve tells Roger. "Yeah, we were trying to get Rogu to stop crying and swallowed Klaus. To make a long story short." Hayley said.

"Exactly. We never want to go through something like this again! Nor do we want you to crash any more cars!" Stan tells Roger straight.

Roger gets Rogu out of the playpen. "You guys want me gone. Fine! I have something good happen to me and then I have to come home to all this shit!" "We just want you to have your own life. Wouldn't you like that?" Francine said. "Next time Rogu swallows something you and Stephanie will handle it!" Stan demanded. "I haven't even went out with her yet and already you want me to commit!" Roger complains. "You better grab the opportunity while you still can." Stan warns the alien.

As soon as Roger and Rogu get settled in the attic. Roger's phone rings, he answers it. "Hello?" "Hi, Roger. It's Stephanie."

"Oh hey Stephanie. What's going on with you?" asks Roger.

"I called to ask you on a date." Stephanie tells him. "Sure I'm up for it. Passed my driver's test today!" Roger said.

"Awesome, meet me at the Langley Falls Skating Rink! I got a roller derby game. I'll love to have you there!" Stephanie said.

"Okay, no problem. See you there! Goodbye!" Roger says. Rogu was finally asleep in the crib. Roger tells him, "Don't worry little one. You'll have a mommy soon. Considering nobody cares what I want to do!"

At the Langley Falls roller rink, Roger is in the stands watching Stephanie play roller derby. "Go Stephanie! Kick some ass!" Roger cheered from the stands. When the game was over, Roger and Stephanie had the roller rink to themselves and skated together until their date was over. Exiting the roller rink, Roger and Stephanie had a conversation.

"That was a great date, Stephanie."

"Glad you think so!"

"Tell me about yourself." said Roger.

"I'm a high school dropout. Had my first kid at 14. Second one at 16. A boy and a girl. Live with my mom and my grandma. They help me raise my kids." Stephanie tells Roger.

"Oh really. Why were you in Driver's Ed?" asked Roger.

"I never took it before so I wanted my license. I passed the test too." Stephanie said.

"Good for you. You can drive your kids to school now." Roger said.

"Want to come over to my place!" Stephanie invited Roger who agrees all because he feels the pressure of Stan's ironclad demands.

Once over at Stephanie's house. Her place was a mess. Stephanie's Grandmother was obese, and was on a breathing wheelchair. Stephanie's Mom had tattoos all over her and sat on the couch drinking one bottle after another. "YOU DAMNED KIDS! STOP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT! MAMA'S TRYIN' TO WATCH HER STORIES!" Stephanie's Grandmother intervenes with her kids, "You heard Mom! Answer to her, and I'll paint for back porch bed!" Stephanie's mom said. The Grandmother says, "You both need to live under Granny Law!" Stephanie's son and daughter ran about the house. Roger pretends to be impressed with her living conditions.

"Really happy I found you Roger. I've been looking for a boyfriend who will help me raise my kids." Stephanie told him.

Roger gulped, "What a coincidence. That's exactly what I was trying to shoot for myself! hee hee."



*


Coming home from the date, Stan wants to know everything. "How did it go?" he asks the alien. Roger now had to pretend that he was excited. "It was awesome! I just know she's going to be the perfect mother figure for Rogu!"

"Yes! Now all you need to do is maintain your relationship with her. If you do, you got this one in the bag!" Stan says. "Yes, Stan." Roger said uneasily.

Running up to his attic, Klaus was there. Rogu was now in the front yard playing with Hayley, Jeff, and Steve. Klaus was there. "Fill me in on the sordid details!" Klaus said gleefully. "I HATE HER! Once she invited me over to her house, it was like a swamp hole!" Roger complains.

"What was her house like?" asks Klaus. "Trashy, filthy. She is a high school dropout. Roller Derby is her job, total redneck. You should've seen her family. Her mother looks like she walked out of a monster truck rally! Her Grandmother was like a carbon copy of Jane Lynch in Talladega Nights!" Roger tells Klaus.

"Maybe you should find someone else." Klaus said. "No, I can't. Stan says I have to stick with her so I can have a mother for Rogu. Unless....." Roger then gets an idea.

"Unless what?" asks Klaus. "I have an even bigger game in mind. On and off I've been working on a new Streaming App that allows people to watch movies from the 60's, 70's, 80's, and 90's! Not only that, you can watch some one hit wonder shows and cartoons from those decades too. It's called Contemporary Classics!" Roger said to Klaus.

"You planning on dumping Stephanie if it takes off?" asked Klaus. "Yes! That way I can stay and I can make as much money as Mark Zuckerberg when he invented Facebook!" Roger said.

"You know what, Roger. I'm on your side about this. I don't want you to have to move in with some redneck woman. You do what makes you happy!" Klaus says. "Wow, thanks Klaus. Thought you'd be against me especially after all the times I've treated you like shit!" said Roger. "If your Streaming App is a success, you won't need a mother figure for Rogu! Catch my drift!" Klaus says. "Indeed! I can provide for Rogu myself!" Roger answers back. "Let's see Stan try to throw you out then!" Klaus said.

The next day was Saturday. Roger and Rogu were in the attic. "Hey, Rogu. Daddy is going to let you in on a rite of passage." Roger tells his 'son'. "Daddy Daddy!" Rogu says. "You get to watch your first ever R Rated movie!" says Roger with excitement. "Movie! Movie!" Rogu cooed. "Today we are going to watch Jonah Hex! Then after that I'm going to work on my Streaming App Contemporary Classics some more." Roger announces.

When Roger was about to watch Jonah Hex, the phone rings. Going to get the phone, it was Stephanie.

"Hi, Roger." Stephanie says. "Hey, Stephanie! Uhh, glad to hear from you." Roger said making silent gagging sounds.

"Want to go on another date with me, tonight? If you say no I'll cry!" Stephanie says. "Uhhh, sure!" Roger reluctantly agrees. "OKay, see you tonight! I got another Roller Derby game. It's what I do for a living! My Mom does phone sex!" Stephanie hangs up.

Rushing down the stairs, Roger tells Stan and Francine. "I was just about to show Rogu Jonah Hex. Then Stephanie called me again wanting to go on another date." Roger tells them, then says, "Maybe I'll just sit this one out!"

Stan gets up from the couch, "Oh no you don't! You're going out with her!" Roger sighs, "OKay. I'll go if it will make you feel better." Roger said forlornly.

"You should be happy. You're very lucky you have a girl that likes you!" Stan points out. "But she's a redneck! Plus she's poor to boot!" Roger said. "So? I'm a little bit redneck myself! You are going to keep in touch with her every single day. If you don't she'll lose interest and forget about you! And it'll be all your fault." Stan says. "He's right you know. Besides, what's wrong with being poor? All couples started out poor! Me and Stan were poor when we first met." said Francine.

"Of course, Jeff and Hayley would be piss poor if they weren't living with us!" said Stan. "WE HEARD THAT!" Jeff and Hayley shouted from upstairs.

"All right, I'm going." Roger heads out the door. Stan calls out, "Instead of watching Jonah Hex, you and her ought to go see Judah and The Black Messiah! Considering you like movies about blacks!"

Once at the roller rink, Stephanie squeezed and tongue kissed Roger. "Want to watch me kick some ass?" Stephanie tells her. "Uhh, you bet! Go out there and fuck 'em all to hell!" Roger said defeatedly.

The Roller Derby game lasted 2 hours. When it was over, Stephanie invites Roger into her car. "Finally some alone time! Let's play some tunes!" Stephanie says.

The car radio was on and a whole bunch of country western music began to play. Everything from Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift and Faith Hill. On the outside, Roger tried to cope with it the best he could not to let down Stan. In the inside, Roger was going through hell. "Don't ever leave me Roger! Let's be together forever!" Stephanie moaned. "Ooooh yes. I like the way you think!" Roger pretends to agree.

When the date ended. It lasted until Midnight. Once he was home, Roger saw, Stan, Francine, Klaus, Rogu, Jeff, and Hayley, and Steve were watching the 1995 Boxing Match Between Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield. All were laughing at it.

"Ear got eaten! Ear is yummy!" Rogu coos.

Roger watched the Smiths have fun. Thinking about what he was going to sacrifice if he ended up with Stephanie. And what type of poverty stricken rural life was in store for Rogu. Roger goes to bed.

It was Sunday. Roger wanted to forget about Stephanie for good. So he tries to bury himself in his work for his upcoming Streaming App. Which Roger enjoying doing. And what he preferred doing. Sure enough, the phone rings again. Steve gets it, "ROGER FOR YOU! IT'S STEPHANIE!"

Roger hollered before he talked on the phone with her. "Hey lover. I'm falling more and more in love with you!" she says "So am I! Want to watch me Roller Derby again?" asks Stephanie. "Of course I will!" Roger answers. "Oh I love you! I love so much! I never want this phone call to end! Before we go let's stay on the phone for 2 hours!" Stephanie tells the alien.

After the two phone phone conversation, Roger heads out on yet another date with Stephanie. Francine stops him, "How are you getting to the dates?" asked Francine. "The metro bus." said Roger. "WHAT! You're still riding the metro bus when you have a Driver's License you worked so hard for?" Francine said with shock.

"Stan wouldn't let me near his car. He still holds a grudge against me for that fender bender.." Roger said. "Well take mine! I won't tell Stan. And we'll take good care of Rogu while you're gone." Francine hands Roger the keys to her car. Francine then tells Roger, "Every girl is crazy about a guy with a car!"


*


As the week rolled by. Scenes of Roger answering the phone. Then taking Francine's car to pick up his date and going to the Roller Rink with Stephanie were playing. The Grand Illusion by Styx was playing throughout. By the next Saturday, when Stephanie was done her usual Roller Derby game as she and Roger walked out of the roller rink.

"Wow! That Driver's License of yours sure came him handy! You're even more attractive now that you have a car!" Stephanie tells Roger.

"Guess we can go our separate ways then." Roger tells her. "WWWHHHATTTT!" Stephanie said in a freaked out panicked voice. "We always go our separate ways after our dates. You know that!" Roger tells her.

"Why did you say that! I just was standing here telling you everyday how much I love you and then you say something like THAT!" Stephanie nearly screamed. "But I'll see you tomorrow! What more do you want!" Roger shouted. "YOU! I WANT YOU! I NEVER EVER WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME!" Stephanie cries out.

"All right sorry. It came out the wrong way. What can I do to make this up to you?" Roger said. Stephanie says, "Marry me! We'll get married next month!"

"Uhhh, okay." Roger said.

Going home, feeling a huge burden on his shoulders. Roger announces the big news. "Stephanie asked me to marry her." Roger said. Stan was very happy for him.

"Yes! This is the best news ever! See? Commitment isn't so bad!" Stan said. "The wedding is next month." Roger said.

"What's wrong, Roger. You don't seem to happy about it." Francine says with concern.

"I am!" Roger told them. "You don't seem like it." Stan said. "I really am. Rogu is going to have a mother and..." Roger was about to speak then Stan stopped him.

"Don't give me that bullshit, Roger. You're not happy about it. I can tell!"

Jeff and Hayley rush into the living room to hear the news.

"So, Roger is going to get married?" Hayley said. "That's awesome, Roger!" Jeff says.

"Of course it is. Once he gets married, he's out the door!!" Stan said.

"By all means, Dad. I think Roger and his wife ought to live here." Hayley tells her father.

"Yes, Mr. S. Let Roger stay. It'll be cool to have another married couple living here with us." Jeff said.

"Glad you feel that way..." Roger muttered.

"Just think, Roger. If you move in here with your future wife. We can have key parties!" Hayley suggests.

"Yeah, and we can wife swap too!" said an enthusiastic Jeff.

"Oh you mean like The Ice Storm? If you do that I'll cry like Kevin Kline! Stay out of this!" Stan tells Jeff and Hayley.

"Stephanie is important to me. What can I do to prove it?" asked Roger.

"No she isn't! There's something else going on with you." Francine says.

"You see something in Stephanie that you don't like!" Stan said.

Roger spills his guts and tells them, "Stephanie is very clingy. Just yesterday she put her hand on my knee and asked if I could switch lives with her." "That means she loves you!" said Francine.

"She also keeps telling me she wants us to sit on a porch when we're 80. She wants my whole life to revolve around her. Stephanie has to understand I have other things going on in my life too." Roger explains it all.

"Stick with her anyway. Maybe it's just a phase and she'll grow out of it." said Francine.

"Seems to me you think there's something you're doing that is distracting you from her. I'm good at figuring this stuff out. What is it?" Stan asked off the cuff.

Roger sighs, "I'm working on a streaming app. It's called Contemporary Classics. Everytime I try to work on it, Stephanie keeps calling me!"

"Roger, this dream of yours of a streaming app is unrealistic. You ought to give up on it and focus on Stephanie." Stan tells him .

"NO! I plan to get rich off of it. Contemporary Classics is going to make it big! It'll blow Paramount + out of the water! Then I'll make more streaming apps. Get rich and go back to my own planet. Take Rogu with me and you'll never have to see me again! OKAY!" Roger spits out.

"WHAT ABOUT STEPHANIE!" Stan said in a aggravated manner.

"Yeah, you'll break her heart." Francine joins in.

Roger didn't answer, he just ran back to the attic. Stan called out, "That's the problem with you! You're self absorbed! You care more about a stupid teenage dream than you do about marriage and giving your son a mother!"

Klaus comes from behind, "SHAME ON YOU, STAN! SHAME!"

"What do you know?" Stan asked Klaus.

"Roger told me everything about his girl and her family. If Roger and Rogu ended up with them, they'll be living in chaos and filth! No money, luxuries, or creature comforts whatsoever." Klaus pointed out.

"What? I was just trying to get him out of the house. Live his own life. He picked Stephanie. Now he's got to make it work." Stan explained. "Yeah, that's how me and Stan ended up with each other." said Francine.

"Want Roger to be miserable? Remember when you tried to brainwash Hayley into marrying that homosexual Dill Shepherd?" Klaus said. "What's your point?" Stan shouted.

"Now you're doing the same with Roger. You think him marrying some hick roller derby bitch is going to lead him to the Path of Happiness? Keep dreaming! In closing, you will ruin Roger if you don't let him live his dreams instead of deciding on a life you want him to have." Klaus said.

Steve walks in and heard the whole conversation. "You really gotta stop being a control freak Dad. You're not the master of Roger's destiny. You plan to do that to me next?"

"You and your Dungeons and Dragons talk." Stan said then he sank into the couch next to Francine. "Gosh Klaus is right. I am a control freak. I was just trying to do what's best for Roger and Rogu." Stan bemoaned realizing what he tried to do.

"Let me guess you want me to help you. You're the man. You figure it out." Francine says walking out of the living room.

On Sunday, Stephanie called Roger once again. At the end of the phone call Stephanie says, "I'm so happy you want to marry me. I've been looking for a daddy for my children! If you would've said no, I would've killed myself! Bye!"

"Looks like the deal is sealed. Dirt poor trailer life here I come." Roger cries. "Roger, wait!" Klaus said.

"Yes?" Roger turned around. "There is a way you can get out of this! I know someone who can help!" Klaus said.

"Really? Who?" Roger asked. "Dr. Kalgary." Klaus informs him.

"What can he do?" Roger says. "He can do cloning. So that way the only way to be free of Stephanie is to have her marry a clone of you." Klaus said.

"Klaus you're a genius! I know you Germans have a thing for Mad Scientists so I'll go for it!" Roger said.

"Wunderbar! I was on your side the whole time! This was my plan the whole time." Klaus said. "Thank you so much for this, Klaus! I really gotta stop shitting on you!" Roger tells the goldfish.

Now on his way to Dr. Kalgary. Whom was Roger's only last and final hope now.

To be free from Stephanie.



*


One night later. Roger was at the parking lot to the Langley Falls Roller Rink. Waiting for Stephanie to arrive. But first, Roger got a visit from Dr. Kalgary and his 'son' Billy. They had come with a trunk.

"Are you Roger Smith?" Dr. Kalgary asks. "Yep that's me." Roger answered.

"Give this to him, Billy." Dr. Kalgary tells his son. "Here is the clone you wanted." Billy said feebly as he opened a trunk and inside there was the Roger clone.

"Perfect! Looks just like me! You did your job good." Roger complements the doctor.

"I'd like to think so. Have a nice night. Come Billy!" Dr. Kalgary departs. Billy gives Roger a bomb. "You might need this." Billy then goes to join Dr. Kalgary.

A van that looked like a pile of vomit pulled up. Out came Stephanie. Inside the van were her family. Being noisy and bickering. "MOM! HE HIT ME!" "SHUT THE HELL UP!" "WANNA GET SMACKED!"

Roger sends his clone over to Stephanie and her family. Roger then hides away. "Now we wait." said Roger in s sneaky way.

"Oh my love! So glad you're going to move in with me! That way you'll never leave me! Let's go!" Stephanie rejoices. The Roger clone got into the dumpy van and drove off. Roger throws the bomb at the van that was going to drive off. The bomb hit the van and exploded. Stephanie, her kids, Grandmother, and her Mother were all dead. Stan comes onto the scene. Coming out of his SUV.

"Hey, Roger." Stan says sitting down next to him.

"Did you come here to tell me I ruined everything for myself?" asked Roger with suspicion.

"No. Actually, I want to apologize for trying to control you." Stan extended his apology.

"Really? Why?" Roger asks. "I realize now that me pushing you with Stephanie was wrong. I was depriving you of your dreams and happiness." Stan said.

Roger snarks, "You sure did back there." "I hope you can forgive me. Sorry that I called you selfish for not really liking her to begin with. Which was okay. I get it now." Stan said.

"I accept your apology Stan." Roger shakes Stan's hand. "Next time you want a girlfriend. It should be on your own time." Stan said.

"Well I already forgotten about that trashy bimbo anyway. Does this mean you're okay with me working on my Streaming App?" Roger asks.

"Of course. I also now trust you with my SUV. You can have it anytime except when I take it to work." Stan speaks.

"Thank you Stan. For letting me live my dreams and regaining your trust in me." Roger talks.

"And from now on, we will all pitch in to help take care of Rogu!" Stan promises. "Even I will help."

"Wow! That means a lot!" Roger cheered. "You should not have to be Rogu's sole caregiver. In fact, it might be good to raise another kid. Even if it is an alien tumor." Stan said.

"Want to go home now." asks Roger. "Yes we will." said Stan. "You can drive. You have a license now."

"Leave the driving to me!" Roger laughs. Stan also adds, "I guess I was just mad at you for that crash on my SUV and wanted you out of the house. That will never happen again." Roger starts the engine, "Where to Miss Daisy?"

And with that, Stan had Roger drive home from the Langley Falls skating rink parking lot. In the meantime, Roger pitched his idea for the Contemporary Classics Streaming App which proved to be a hit. Making money from the APP, Stan decides to put it on a college fund for Steve, Hayley, and Rogu.

In the meantime, whenever Roger needed help with Rogu, the entire Smith Family lent their alien friend a helping hand.

Rogu comes to the screen and says, "Happy family!"

The End


The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!