Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD

No Help From The Cops

by P0isonIvy543 0 reviews

Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley have their own crime solving adventure!

Category: Paradise PD - Rating: R - Genres: Angst,Parody - Published: 2021-04-01 - Updated: 2021-04-24 - 6252 words - Complete

Story: No Help From The Cops

by: Zoey Webber

One by one. The citizens of Paradise seemed to be disappearing. Even Gerald Fitzgerald was gone. Few if any seemed to notice. One of the chosen few was Chick Ridley. Who worked for the Paradise Newspaper that was called the Paradise Peeper. hence the word, "PRESS" on his hat.

CHICK: Hmmm. What is making almost half the population of Paradise vanish?

Not only were people disappearing, cars, trucks, and SUV were being stolen too.

CHICK: First, people. Now cars. I know! I'll report it to the Police!

Now on his way to the Paradise PD Police station. Behind him citizens like Anton, Patty Mae, and even criminals like The Russian Mobster were gone without a trace. However, people like Robby and Delbert seem to remain. Chick Ridley was now at the front door of the Paradise PD building.

RANDALL: Attention officers. Listen up. One of our own Gerald Fitzgerald has gone missing.

STANLEY: Yeah, as I can remember he went out for cigarettes and never came back.

KEVIN: Uh, Dad. I think somebody from the newspaper is here to see you.

CHICK: Excuse me. Police chief sir. I'm Chick Ridley from the Paradise Peeper.

KEVIN: HA! I knew he's from the newspaper.

DUSTY: Maybe he's secretly a hero like Superman.

RANDALL: Fuck off asshole. I don't have time for interviews.

CHICK: It's not an interview. If I could just have a moment of your time.

GINA: Leave this to me. I'll see what this twat waffle whats.

Chick sees Gina walk up to him.

GINA: Make this fast. We got more important things going on.

CHICK: Half of Paradise has disappeared.

RANDALL: Oh come on! You expect us to believe some cockamamie bullshit story like that?

CHICK: It's true!

DUSTY: I believe you, Chick.

RANDALL: Don't encourage him!

CHICK: I was hoping you guys would investigate the disappearances...

BULLET: We already have a missing persons case on our hands. You didn't happen to see Gerald Fitzgerald did you?

CHICK: No but I did see some people run around and vanish without a trace.

BULLET: Look pal. Come back when you have some proof.

CHICK: Oh what a good little doggie! Would you like a newspaper to chew on!

BULLET: DUDE! I am not that type of dog!

STANLEY: Superman hey? I had a fling with George Reeves way back in the 1950's.

BULLET: You need to listen to me Mr. All The President's Men! I don't do newspapers. Dogs chewing on newspapers is a harmful stereotype. In fact if you have any cocaine on you then we'll talk.

CHICK: Please! You guys! You have to understand.

KEVIN: We would help you if we could, Chick. But my Dad won't let us.

RANDALL: For once you're right Kevin. We don't need the press around here! Now get the fucking hell out of here Citizen Kane!

Chick sadly leaves the Paradise PD Police Station.

RANDALL: As I way saying. Gerald Fitzgerald is missing in action. If he's been abducted. He may come to harm.....

Sadly walking down the nearly empty streets of Paradise. Chick walks past a car dealership unknowingly.

CHICK: Who's going to help me find all these missing people??!?! If the cops won't do it. Who will?

CAMARO BOB: Excuse me, sir. Did you just say you needed some help.

CHICK: Yes I do. How did you know?

CAMARO BOB: My mind is the sharpest tool in the shed. So's my 10 dick!

CHICK: Uhh, okay. I didn't need to know that.

CAMARO BOB: Pleased to meet you. Who might you be?

CHICK: I'm Chick Ridley from the Paradise Peeper.

CAMARO BOB: I'm Camaro Bob! What can I do you for?

CHiCK: I've noticed that most of the population in Paradise has disappeared.

CAMARO BOB: Step into my car, dude. Maybe we can find some women who vanished and have an All American Orgy.

CHICK: At least I'm getting some help.

Back at the Paradise PD building. Randall was demanding that Fitz be found.

RANDALL: We need to bring back Gerald Fitzgerald!

DUSTY: What if we never find him?

STANLEY: Go on without that sumbitch that's what!

RANDALL: Each and every one of you will be off work 6 weeks without day. Do I make myself clear!

KEVIN: Crystal clear Dad.

BULLET: Fitz is like a deadbeat dad. Going out for cigarettes and never coming back.

GINA: What are we waiting for? Let's get our asses out there and find Fitz! Dusty you come with me!

DUSTY: Okay, whatever you say!

Kevin went into a squad car with Bullet, Dusty did the same with Gina. Randall and Stanley shared one together. While that was going on, Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley went from door to door to ask whoever didn't vanish if they knew anything about the massive auto theft and disappearances of the citizens of Paradise.

CHICK: Can we have a moment of your time, Ma'am!


CAMARO BOB: Thanks for you time, my lovely lady.

CHICK: Jesus Christ. That's everybody who is still around. No one knows a thing.

CAMARO BOB: We didn't ask those dudes yet.

Robby and Delbert were talking down the street.

CHICK: Good Maybe they know something.

Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley run up to Robby and Delbert.

CHICK: Excuse me? Sirs.

ROBBY: Hmm, nobody has ever called me sir, before.

DELBERT: What can we do for you?

CAMARO BOB: We were wondering if you know anything about why people are disappearing.

CHICK: Any help or info would be wonderful.

DELBERT: The last time I saw someone disappear was one of my co-stars from Wall Eyed Wally.

CAMARO BOB: Did you see anyone in town vanish.

ROBBY: Nope! Don't know nothing about that. Never keep up with that shit if you ask me.

CHICK: Wall Eyed Wally? That was a my favorite show when I was a kid. You starred in that.

DELBERT: Yes I did.

ROBBY: Delbert told me there was an episode about an alien abduction.

CAMARO BOB: Uhhh, I think we better go.

CHICK: Thanks anyway.

ROBBY: Okay, goodbye.

Delbert and Robby were running away until they weren't seen anymore.

CHICK: I gotta hunch those two know something.

CAMARO BOB: That's the whole reason why we teamed up. You a Post WW2 era newspaper reporter and me a 1970's Car Salesman who's a stickler for Orgies.

CHICK: Let's keep our eye on them just in case.

Robby and Delbert ran into the Paradise VHS store where they were working. It was still fully functional even after the nuclear bomb hit. Delbert pressed a button and a door opened. Inside were two pole that they both slid down. Now they were in a basement. Both felt a sigh of relief.

DELBERT: They didn't suspect a thing.

ROBBY: Think we should call our boss now.

DELBERT: We can do that soon. But first....

ROBBY: You want to taunt our prisoner.

Delbert opens another door. Inside was Gerald Fitzgerald locked in a human sized cage.

ROBBY: Well, well, well. If it isn't Jet Li from the movie Unleashed.

FITZ: You mother fuckers. Don't think you're going to....

DELBERT: Uh uh uh! Prisoners should be seen and not heard.

ROBBY: Do you want to know what we have in store for you?

FITZ: Dare I ask. How and why in the fuck did you capture me anyway.

DELBERT: We made a deal with Agent Clappers. If you must know.

FITZ: You sons of bitches.

ROBBY: He wants to ruin your life since you were the one who sent that fucking nuke.

FITZ: But I was under the influence of...

DELBERT: No excuses.

Robby watches as Delbert slaps Fitz.

ROBBY: You're probably wondering why we stole all those cars.

DELBERT: We plan to have a monster truck show and put you in one of the cars.

ROBBY: That's right! You're going to be a crash test dummy. Then we will humiliate you in front of everybody in town and make big nationwide headlines.

DELBERT: Motor Trend and Hot Rod will salute you. For being the first black man to be a crash test dummy.


Robby goes to the phone to call Agent Clappers who answers on the other end.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Do you has Fitz.

ROBBY: All wrapped up in the pretty bow.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Good. Because of what he did. I hidden away and captured everyone else in town. Including that Mayor's Aid. Anton!

ROBBY: Cool! Did you do that all alone.

AGT. CLAPPERS: No I had some inside help with those mutants who want to punish Fitz just as much as I do.

ROBBY: Afraid I have some bad news though.

AGT. CLAPPERS: What is it?

ROBBY: Some newspaper dude and that Camaro Bob guy were asking questions.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Oh they did, did they?

ROBBY: What should we do about them? They can pose a threat to our plan.

AGT. CLAPPERS: We'll just throw some obstacles in their way. So that way nobody will know what is going down very soon.

ROBBY: Okay, boss. We'll keep Fitz busy until then. Bye.

When Robby hangs up the phone. Fitz was mad as ever.

FITZ: I was one of the best cops in Chicago. I can escape and tell everyone about your scheme.

ROBBY: Nobody is going to know.

DELBERT: You mentioned the Paradise PD earlier they're not looking for you.

ROBBY: They forgot about you!

DELBERT: Yeah! They don't give a shit about you!

FITZ: We'll see about that.

Agt. Clappers resided in a secret apartment complex. He was having a conversation with Clovis.

CLOVIS: What do you want with all these people, Clappers?

AGT. CLAPPERS: I plan to kill them all too.

CLOVIS: At that truck show that Robby and Delbert are going to have happen.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Yes indeed. Not only will Fitz die. All the other prisoners will too.

CLOVIS: I got another one for you!

Agt Clappers watches as he sees Clovis with a bag. The bag has somebody inside.

CLOVIS: This is another captive. Where shall I put it.

AGT CLAPPERS: Couch is fine.

Clovis put the unknown captive on the couch. Agt Clappers goes to his phone.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Good job, Clovis. Now time for some obstacles to throw at those assholes who think they can tub my big balls into my business!

In the other room, Lady Gertrude, Preacher Paul his unnamed husband, Patty Mae, Anton, Russian Mobster, Pat Robertson, Frank Flipperfist, Jerry, Marcos Narcos, and Puffy the Cigarette were all in a dungeon-like cage.

MARCOS NARCOS: Santa Maria! I've kidnapped so many people in my life. I never thought it would happen to me!

ANTON: Oh, Patty Mae. Whatever are they going to do with us all?

PATTY MAE: Someone has to come to rescue us soon, hon.

LADY GERTRUDE: I can't believe my own brother Delbert would do this to me! His own sister...

Now driving around in a car. Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley ride around Paradise to look for clues.

CHICK: I have a feeling this is going to lead to no good. it's up to us to stop it.

CAMARO BOB: I know, right. What do those doughnut chomping ass fuckers who call themselves police know anyway?

CHICK: Indeed. Say this is quite the car you have.

CAMARO BOB: This is a 1972 Ford Torino dude!

CHICK: Way better than that Studebaker I drive.

CAMARO BOB: That's what I like about these 1970s cars. My employees put new parts in them and I make loads of money!

CHICK: Wow! You really are the richest man in Paradise.

CAMARO BOB: Oh yeah....Look at that? Did you see?

Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob see the mutants Eyeball Head and Asshole Shoulder take away Preacher Paul's daughter Chasisty.

CAMARO BOB: They just took that girl like that! Come on! Let's follow them and see where they're headed.

CHICK: Great idea.

The Paradise PD in their separate cars who were on the search for Gerald Fitzgerald. Kevin also sees Asshole Shoulder and Eyeball Head take away Chasity.

KEVIN: HOLY SHIT! Chick Ridley was telling the truth all along.

BULLET: I saw that too! Can't believe I almost fucked that girl.

In the apartment complex. Agt. Clappers looks out the window. He sees both the Paradise PD and Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob drive by.

AGT. CLAPPERS: SHIT! They're onto me! What the actual fuck! I know what can stop them all.......

Lightning flashes in the background as Agt. Clappers wrings his hands.

Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob were driving in their car trying to follow Eyeball Head and Asshole Shoulder.

CAMARO BOB: Don't lose them, man! We're getting close. Closer than my penis to.....

Chick Ridley suddenly feels a jolt jamming into their car.

CAMARO BOB: What the fuck....

CHICK: Someone from behind is crashing into us.

CAMARO BOB: See who it is. Nobody crashes Camaro Bob's cars....

Chick Ridley looks out the window and sees an orange truck. The orange truck crashes into their car 10 times.

CAMARO BOB: Who's the fucker who thinks he can fuck with my cars?

CHICK: It appears to be an orange truck! I think it wants us to slow down.

CAMARO BOB: Or give us whiplash! Slow down we shall.

Chick Ridley parks the car. He and Camaro Bob come out. The orange truck stops beside them. The people inside the orange truck turned out to be Luis, Sonia, Froy, Lyndah and Matt from Operation Repo.

CAMARO BOB: Hey, what a minute. Aren't those the people from Operation Repo?

CHICK: Wonder what they could possibly want.

MATT: Which one of you is Chick Ridley.

CHICK: That would be me.

CAMARO BOB: Tell us what you want. There is another option though, bring that Lyndah girl over to me.


LUIS: You Chick Ridley owe $10,000 in back wages.

CHICK: Since when?

LYNDAH: We track down people who owe money.

FROY: That's the whole concept of our show.

CAMARO BOB: If this is true. I'm rich. I can pay for him.

MATT: NO! It has to come from Chick Ridley himself.

CHICK: What do you think I bought that I owe money on?

LUIS: A paper shredder and a desk you bought for yourself.

CHICK: But those were given to me by the newspaper I work for.

SONIA: You're not bullshitting anybody!

FROY: You owe money on things you couldn't afford.

LUIS: Like we always say.

FROY, SONIA, LYNDAH, MATT, LUIS" And remember. It ain't no joke! If you don't pay that note!

Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley soon found themselves surrounded by the Operation Repo Crew with no way out.

CHICK: Got any bright ideas? I don't know what these assholes are talking about!

CAMARO BOB: Uhhh, hey dudes. How about we talk this over.

LUIS: Okay. We're willing to do that.

SONIA: And just be prepared for a ass whipping too.

CAMARO BOB: You guys into mary jane?

MATT: Uhh yeah.

LYNDAH: Sure. We smoke in it our spare time.

CAMARO BOB: Like Toucan Sam, follow my nose!

The Operation Repo crew followed Camaro Bob who was searching in his trunk for marijuana. Camaro Bob takes out a huge leaf of marijuana.

FROY: Wow! Awesome!

CAMARO BOB: You're all going to be tripping balls with this mary jane!

SONIA: Don't keep us in suspense. What kind is it?

CAMARO BOB: Camaro Bob's radioactive ganja baby!

MATT: Hand it over!

Camaro Bob throws the radioactive ganja and the Operation Repo crew all chase after it into a building. The Camaro Bob shuts the door tightly in the building.

CHICK: Wow! That was brilliant.

CAMARO BOB: Guess you can say Operation Repo went to pot!

CHICK: I just remembered. We were following those mutants who took that girl!

CAMARO BOB: I recall that too. Besides, nothing like a little weed to distract reality tv has beens!

CHICK: This isn't the time for jokes.

Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley look around for the mutants.

CHICK: Dammit! We lost those mutants! Now we'll never know where they've taken those missing people.

CAMARO BOB: You're lucky to have Camaro Bob on your side.

CHICK: I like your slick back laid back attitude.

CAMARO BOB: Let's go search for more clues.

Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob both go back in their car and drive off. Agt. Clappers had a drone and watched his plan to get Operation Repo after Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob failed.

AGT. CLAPPERS: SHIT! SHIT! Who should I send now? I know...

Evilly laughing again. Agt. Clappers decides to have a little fun with the Paradise PD.

Randall and Stanley were driving in their police car.

STANLEY: A-ha! Maybe Fitz is there. Isn't that where blacks hang out.

Driving past the Marijuana Store, some winged like bird/human hybrid creatures were now flying over the Paradise PD cars.

RANDALL: Nice observation, Stanley. Fitz isn't into weed. He's not Denzel.

In Gina's police car.

DUSTY: Hey Gina. Do you ever have a feeling you're being watched?

GINA: Nah, I never get paranoid like that.

In Kevin's police car.

BULLET: Were those shadows flying over us?

KEVIN: No probably just the sun going over clouds.

BULLET: There were shadows flying over us. I swear.

KEVIN: Yeah, right. Maybe Gina and I will date and fall in love.

BULLET: Sure. Like that will ever happen.

Four of the bird/human hybrid creatures were now on the windshield of Randall's police car. Causing it to swerve.


Stopping his police car. Randall and Stanley get out first. They were horrified by the sight they saw. Kevin and Bullet, Gina and Dusty stop and get out of their cars too. Creatures they had never seen before were standing upon them.

BULLET: Hey I know who those cock suckers are!

KEVIN: Do we want to know?

BULLET: It's the Winged Devourers from Beastmaster!

DUSTY: Holy shit! I knew something was watching us.

KEVIN: What exactly do these Devoureres want?

RANDALL: Probably eat us and convert us into shit. I say we send them Stanley.

STANLEY: You sumbitch!

BULLET: Whoever they are. Maybe they made Fitz disappear.

GINA: Good point you have there.

RANDALL: Oooh! So scary! What're going to do to us Winged Devourers?

BULLET: From what I saw in the movie they squeeze you. Then they suck out your bones and turn you into blue shit or something.

GINA: If these shit fucker twat waffles want a piece of us! They'll have to get through me!


DUSTY: You can do it! I don't want to get my bones sucked!

Gina runs to the Winged Devourers as they were about to attack the Paradise PD. Gina grabs them all from behind. Gina uses her superhuman strength to squeeze them all to death. Thanks to Gina, the Winged Devourers have exploded into a mass of blue goo.

KEVIN: That was awesome, Gina! You saved our asses.

DUSTY: Yeah, Gina! You turned them into Head and Shoulders!

GINA: Ahh it was nothing!

RANDALL: Everyone back in their cars. We need to find Fitz!

The Paradise PD got back into their cars. Agt. Clappers from his apartment watching the drone was having a Bond Villain style tantrum. While Robby and Delbert were taunting Fitz.

ROBBY: The time is almost here.

FITZ: Time for what?

DELBERT: For you to be a crash test dummy for our monster truck show.

ROBBY: It's going to begin at any minute!

FITZ: How the fuck did you capture me anyway?

DELBERT: Ever heard of chloroform?

The phone rings, Robby goes to answer it. Agt. Clappers was on the other line.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Is everything set?

ROBBY: Sure is, boss.

AGT. CLAPPERS: The PD were after us along with some two clowns. I tried to send Operation Repo and Winged Devourers after them. Both failed.

ROBBY: Sorry to hear about that. Say I know. Why not send those Nightwalkers from the game Vampire Rain after them.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Okay I'll do that. Normally evil bosses don't listen to their cohorts. In the meantime, get Fitz over to that monster truck show.

ROBBY: Anything you say. Bye.

Delbert and Robby get Fitz out of the cage. They put a blindfold on Fitz. Meanwhile, Agt. Clappers opens the bag that was brought to him earlier. Inside was Thester Carbomb.

THESTER: Where am I? How did I get here.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! If it isn't the Kingpin's second in command. Guess you can say you're an extra added bonus.

THESTER: What makes you say that?

AGT. CLAPPERS: You helped with that nuke. So I shall punish you as well.

THESTER: Oh no! Please. Set me free. I won't be any trouble, I promise.

Agt Clappers dispatches from NightWalkers as Clovis, Asshole Shoulder and Eyeball Head block Thester's path.

THESTER: How did these creeps know I was involved.

AGT. CLAPPERS: They're very smart! I also captured all the other Legion of DOOM members too.

THESTER: Those mutants don't look very smart to me. heh.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Oh but they are. Look I'll show you.

Reaching into his pocket, Agt. Clappers shows Asshole Shoulder and Eyeball Head a coin.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Hey, Eyeball Head. What's this coin say?

EYEBALL HEAD: Uhh, In God We Trust.

Thester gasps.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Asshole Shoulder, what does the coin say at the bottom?



THESTER: hee hee. Reading a coin? Where did you get the idea that reading a coin makes you smart? hee hee!

AGT. CLAPPERS: I'm a Hogan's Heroes fan! Can't you tell?

THESTER: Never heard of it. I said it once and I'll say it again. Don't doesn't seem very smart to me.

AGT. CLAPPERS: You insulted these mutants. Now you shall pay! Asshole Shoulder! Eyeball Head!


AGT. CLAPPERS: Take this British nitwit's ass in the closet. Put him in chains.


Thester finds himself being dragged into the closet.

AGT. CLAPPERS: I'm keeping you for myself. You'll be an isolated captive.

THESTER: NO! NO! NO! Don't make me be in a room all alone. Put me in with everybody else!

Agt. Clappers turns a strobe light on Thester as he handcuffs Thester's hands to the railing of the closet. Putting the plan into motion, Agt. Clappers gets all the people who went missing out of the dungeon like room and forces them to follow him.

AGT. CLAPPERS: It's magic time.

LADY GRETRUDE: What's going on?

AGT. CLAPPERS: Not only will I have Fitz killed at the monster truck alley. I'm getting you all too.

PATTY MAE: Why? What did we ever do to you?

AGT. CLAPPERS: I'm doing this because I feel bad for those mutants. You normal looking however are going to suffer!

Thester screams from the closet.

AGT. CLAPPER: Shut up in there! I'll deal with you as soon as I'm done.

Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley were driving down the road again.

CHICK: DAMN! Seems like nobody wants us to know how these people vanished.

CAMARO BOB: Got that right. Who knows what will stop us this time.

Chick Ridley drives along and sees Robby and Delbert walk out of the Paradise VHS building and they also see Fitz with a blindfold being lead away.

CAMARO BOB: Well, I'll be a mother fucker's uncle. It's those those hicks we talked to before.

CHICK: By golly you're right. They have a policeman with them.

CAMARO BOB: We'll follow their asses this time.

Before they could follow Robby and Delbert. Nightwalkers jumped onto their car.

CHICK: WWWOOOAAAAHH! What the fuck is that thing?

CAMARO BOB: Your guess is as good as mine.

The Nightwalkers jump up and down on their windshield.

CHICK: What'll we do!

CAMARO BOB: Leave this to me. If it's one thing I know it's cars!

Using the windshield wipers and the soapy water that comes with them, Camaro Bob soaks the Nightwalkers eyes and now they are blind. Camaro Bob then runs over the NIghtwalkers until they are dead. Roadkill in the streets.

CHICK: That was magnificent. You sure know how to get us out of trouble.

CAMARO BOB: We make a great team don't we!

The Paradise PD were patrolling the streets. From far away, they see a black van driving to the Paradise Stadium.

GINA: I'm watching this very closely.

DUSTY: Who do you see there, Gina?

Getting out of the van, there was Agt. Clappers. Kevin and Bullet see the whole thing too.

KEVIN: Oh my gosh! So that's where everybody went.

BULLET: What the fuck does Agt. Clappers want with them all?

RANDALL: Fucking wake up Stanley!

STANLEY: Woah,,,what?

RANDALL: I think we found those missing people Chick Ridley was talking about.

STANLEY: Does this mean we can forget about Fitz?


Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob were watching the black van too.

CAMARO BOB: Next stop horny town!

CHICK: What?

CAMARO BOB: No just jerking around with you. Next stop the Paradise Stadium.

Chck Ridley drove to the Paradise Stadium. Robby and Delbert made their way into the Paradise Stadium into the back enterence. Agt. Clappers did the same.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Do you have Fitz with you?

DELBERT: Have him right here, dude.

Fitz was handed over to Agt. Clappers who then puts him inside a broken down pinto.

ROBBY: This is going to be awesome! I can just see it now. Black Guy becomes the first African American Crash Test Dummy!

AGT. CLAPPERS: We'll kill all these people you've helped me capture as well.

DELBERT: Good call.

ROBBY: What are we going to do with the others?

AGT. CLAPPERS: Put them all in monster trucks and shift the gears on them.

DELBERT: Man, I'm loving this!

Preacher Paul, his husband, Chasity, Russian Mobster, Pat Robertson, Patty Mae, Lady Gertrude, Anton, Marcos Narcos, Puffy the Cigarette were all put inside monster trucks.

AGT. CLAPPERS: As Jigsaw used to say. Let the games, begin! Okay, places people!

Robby and Delbert hid away in the woman's restroom along with Agent Clappers.

Chick Ridley parked their car at the parking lot to the stadium. He and Camaro Bob walked into the stadium.

CAMARO BOB: I'm about to quote a common line in porno movies. They must be around here somewhere.


Camaro Bob took notice at the pinto that was moving around.

CHICK RIDLEY: I bet someone is inside.

CAMARO BOB: Let's take a look.

Running over to where the pinto was located. Camaro Bob opened it. Inside was Fitz.

FITZ: HELP! HELP! Get me out of here.

CHICK RIDLEY: You're rescued.

Camaro Bob helped Fitz get out of the pinto.

Here is the rest of it!

Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley help Fitz out of the car. Chick Ridley undid the unfold that covered his eyes.

FITZ: Wow. Thank you for saving me.

CHICK: We were happy to do it.

CAMARO BOB: So who did this to you?

FITZ: It was Agt. Clappers. He's had it in for me since I sent that nuke when the kingpin was controlling me.

CHICK: Do you know where Agt Clappers could be now?

FITZ: Uh, yes. I overheard him say he's hiding in the woman's restroom.

CAMARO BOB: All right then. Next stop, vagina town!

CHICK: There he goes again.

Just as Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob were about to go into the woman's bathroom to confront Agt. Clappers. they were stopped by the Paradise PD.


STANLEY: What're they doing here?

CHICK: We're trying to find those missing people.

GINA: Good for you. So were we. Are you aware you guys are intruding on police business?

DUSTY: She's right. There's a name for it that I can't think of.

RANDALL: Obstruction of justice.

FITZ: Guys. I'm here.

KEVIN: Fitz! We were looking all over for you.

GINA: Welcome back black ass!

DUSTY: We missed you.

KEVIN: Do you know who kidnapped you?

FITZ: Indeed I do. It was Agt Clappers. He's also responsible for the disappearance of other residents in Paradise.

KEVIN: Oh my gosh. That's terrible. Chick Ridley was right all along. Bet you feel bad about doubting him now, Dad.

RANDALL: Shut up Kevin. Now as for you two...

CHICK: You're not going to arrest us for this, are you?

CAMARO BOB: Perhaps a deal can be worked out.

RANDALL: All right. Get Agt. Clappers to confess to what he did then I won't arrest you.

CHICK: Luckily Fitz told us where he was hiding.

A monster truck begins to move about. Bullet sniffs it.

BULLET: There seems to be some people in here. Cocaine does it for me again. Who says drugs are bad?

GINA: This must be where those missing people are!

FITZ: Agt. Clappers planned to have me killed at a monster truck rally by sticking me into that pinto and having me be a crash test dummy.

DUSTY: So sorry you had to go through all that shit.

Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob ran into the woman's bathroom. Inside Agt. Clappers, Robby and Delbert were gloating about their big plan.

AGT. CLAPPERS: As soon as Fitz and my other prisoners are killed. Those mutants can finally have homes to live in!

ROBBY: In a way guess you can see we're making a difference!

DELBERT: We ought to work at Habitat for Humanity or something or other!

Camaro Bob busted down the door to the woman's restroom. Now he and Chick Ridley had Agt. Clappers, Robby and Delbert cornered.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Who the fuck are you!

Camaro Bob sees Chick Ridley take out a 1940's era style camera.

CHICK: I'm Chick Ridley. And I work for the....PRESS!

Agt. Clappers, Robby and Delbert were blinded by the flash Chick Ridley's camera made.

ROBBY: Ahhh, son of a....

DELBERT: What the eyes! My eyes!

AGT. CLAPPERS: What the fuck do you douchebags want?

CAMARO BOB: We've been following your ass this whole time.....

CHICK: Were you the one who sent Operation Repo and Nightwalkers after us?

CAMARO BOB: We outsmarted their sorry asses!

In the parking lot the Paradise PD frees Patty Mae, Lady Gertrude, Pat Robertson, Preacher Paul, his husband, Russian Mobster, Marcos Narcos, Jerry, Frank Flipperfist, and Anton.

KEVIN: You're all free! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

Bullet sniffs around again.

STANLEY: What is it this time?

DUSTY: I'd like to know who sent those Winged Devourers after us. Still can't get that image of them out of my head.

GINA: I can put a better image in your head, Dusty.

BULLET: There's someone else who's missing...who's not around here...can't figure out who though....

Back in the woman's bathroom.

CHICK: Confession is good for the soul. You were the ones who sent those mutants to kidnap people and Fitz, weren't you?

AGT. CLAPPERS: I have nothing to own up to. If anyone does, it's Gerald Fitzgerald.

CAMARO BOB: I can get this dude to talk. You know Clappers, this reminds me of a guy you may have heard of. John Holmes. Greatest porn star who ever lived. You know what he once said...

AGT. CLAPPERS: No! I don't care....

CAMARO BOB: Gonna say it anyway. You know I've got a 13 inch penis. Then he said, Agt Clappers is the worst damned agent I've ever seen.

ROBBY: Wow! John Holmes really said that about you, Clappers?

DELBERT: Wish a porn star would say something like that about me.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Okay. I have no idea where you are going with this John Holmes nonsense....

Chick Ridley secretly hands Camaro Bob a marijuana leaf.

CAMARO BOB: Since that didn't work. Maybe this will!

Robby, Delbert, and Agt. Clappers were now in a trance when Camaro Bob put the marijuana leaf up to their eys. Agt. Clappers then confesses. Chick Ridley gets a recorder ready and presses record.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Yes it was me. I planned to have Gerald Fitzgerald killed.

Delbert and Robby also confess about their involvement.

ROBBY: We plotted to make Fitz be a crash test dummy.

DELBERT: Then put everyone else in a monster truck on autopilot or whatever to kill them all.

AGT. CLAPPERS: They're right. I was the mastermind behind it all. I sent those reality tv show stars, the winged creatures, nightwalkers everything.

CHICK: Why did you want to kill so many people?

AGT. CLAPPERS: I was doing it for the mutants. They can have new homes to live in.

ROBBY: Just like Hurricane Katrina victims who got relocated to other states.

DELBERT: We wanted to have housing for those mutants.

CHICK: That's all we need to know.

CAMARO BOB: Come on. We'll play this for the cops!

The Paradise PD were still in the parking lot waiting for Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob with their confession that they promised.

CHICK: Here it is!

CAMARO BOB: He told us everything.

Randall listens to the taped confession. Soon Agt. Clappers was arrested and charged with kidnapping and attemptive murder. Robby and Delbert however, got away after Agt. Clappers was arrested. Both were now in the audience waiting for the monster truck rally. Thanks to Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob. Nobody will be killed.

DELBERT: Think we should've went back for Clappers?

ROBBY: Nah! We'll let him take the blame. He started it after all!

DELBERT: That's why I like being friends with you Robby. We're one of those every man for themselves type of people!

ROBBY: Yeah! Now you're talking! Fuck Agt. Clappers! Now we can forget about him and enjoy this monster truck show!

The day after Agt. Clappers now found himself in the Paradise PD holding cell. Bullet and Fitz walk up to him.

FITZ: Hey, Agt. Clappers. Better get used to these bars.

AGT. CLAPPERS: You should be in here. Not me.

FITZ: Bullet here has something he wants to say.

BULLET: I sniffed around that monster truck you had those people in.

AGT. CLAPPERS: Yeah, so?

BULLET: Call it my instincts, but I sensed that you kidnapped someone else.

FITZ: You have nothing left to lose. You lost everything anyway. Tell us who it is!

AGT. CLAPPERS: You win. It was Thester Carbomb all right? I kidnapped all your Legion of DOOM members including him so I can kill you all and be a hero to those mutants.

BULLET: Those mutants moved on with their lives. They hate you now that Chick Ridley wrote about this whole story to the Paradise Peeper.

FITZ: Where's Thester!

Agt Clappers told Fitz that Thester was still imprisoned in the apartment complex he used to hold his victims captive. Fitz drives there and breaks into the apartment. Searching all around for Thester until Fitz opens the closet. There was Thester. His hands were cuffed to the railing of the closet. There was a flashing strobe light inside that caused Thester to be in a daze. Fitz turns off the strobe light.

FITZ: Thester! Are you okay?

THESTER: Who are you? How do you know me?

FITZ: You know me! I'm Gerald Fitzgerald.

THESTER: I never heard of you before.

FITZ: Well, I heard of you. I like you very much. In fact I'm here to save you.

Getting the handcuffs off Thester. Fitz carried him out of the apartment.

THESTER: Put me down! Who are you!

FITZ: Seems to me you're suffering from memory loss. Don't worry. You can move in with me and I'll get you back on your feet.

Karen Crawford the mayor who was pregnant. With Anton by her side. Presents medals for Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob.

ANTON: For your help with the police work...

KAREN: And preventing a mass disaster....

ANTON: We hearby present you with these medals.

KAREN: Wear them tall, proud, and with dignity.

Camaro Bob and Chick Ridley heard an eruption of cheers.

CHICK: We do indeed make a great team!

CAMARO BOB: How about after this you can come to one of my all American Orgies to celebrate.

CHICK: You're on!

CAMARO BOB: Let's do it again sometime!

KAREN: Here's some more good news! I have a baby on the way!

The residents clap.

KEVIN: Let's hear it for Camaro Bob...

DUSTY: And lets not forget Chick Ridley....


RANDALL: You two are now honorary policemen!

GINA: Both of you can help us out with busting crooks anytime you want!

The residents of Paradise all cheered big.

STANLEY: I love a happy ending.

BULLET: Be a man you fucking crybaby!

Meanwhile, Fitz took Thester to his therapist and found out that Thester had memory loss due to the strobe light. Fitz made a vow to do everything he can to get Thester's memory back. The Dolphin Queen went back to the ocean. Fitz Jr was now living with Bullet working for the Paradise PD. Chick Ridley and Camaro Bob had fun at the orgy. Thester moved in with Fitz. Thester's memory was so messed up beyond repair he thought he was a loser slacker con artist.

FITZ: Well, Thester. You may have lost your memory. You're still not 100% better yet. But you'll always be my friend.

THESTER: Yeah, whatever you asshole. I want some weed! Then I want to go skateboarding and gambling!

FITZ: We'll just take it one step at a time.

The End
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