Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy

Straight Outta Quahog

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

A famous rapper's arrival in Quahog leads Peter to become a Rap Mogul. Brian and Stewie find a lost Three Stooges episode.

Category: Family Guy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Horror,Humor - Warnings: [V] [X] - Published: 2021-06-07 - 7583 words - Complete

Family Guy

Fanfic Title

Straight Outta Quahog

Scene 1:

It was Sunday night at the Griffin house. Which usually meant that it was Movie Night. Peter, Chris, Meg, Brian, Lois, and Stewie all gathered at the couch to watch.

Peter: Hey, Chris. Better enjoy it while you can because tomorrow it's the first day of school! (giggles!)

Brian: Peter, you dumbass! Tomorrow is actually the first day of summer vacation! It's Early June not Late August!

Peter: Aww, fuck! I thought it was late August. At least I was hoping it was!

Chris: Ha ha! Dad! You're stuck with us kids all summer!

Lois: Quiet you two. The movie is coming back on.

Meg: Always these old comedy movies. Can't we watch something more recent for a change?

Peter: Shut up, Meg!

Lois: Yes, it was Peter's turn to pick the movie. So accept it, bitch!

TV Announcer: We now return to Sailor Beware!

The movie was showing the scene where Jerry Lewis was dancing with Jungle Native Women.

Brian: Hmm. This would never fly today.

Stewie: Thought you loved Political Correction.

Peter: Is that all they can say is Da da dee da? Bet I could've done this scene a lot better.


A tropical island in Hawaii is shown as Peter was dancing to the beat of a drum with jungle native women. Peter was dressed in a hula skirt and nothing else.

Peter: Da da dee da da da da!

The Jungle Native Women keep dancing to the drum beat until Peter breaks out in song.

Peter: Copa! Copacabana!

The Jungle Native Women look at him in shock and awe. Ignoring the stares from the Jungle Natives Peter continues to sing.

Peter: Since this is Hawaii I got a better song! (takes out a guitar) Honolulu Baby! Where did you get those.....

[End Cutaway]

Stewie (hitting Peter on the head): Sorry. I could not take anymore of that cutaway.

Lois: Five minutes into the episode and you're already doing cutaways.

Scene 2:

On Monday morning, Peter decides to head over the Drunken Clam to meet Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.

Joe: Peter? Why aren't you at work?

Peter: Well I don't know. Why aren't you out there solving crimes?

Joe: There hasn't been any cases.

Peter: Anyway, Pawtucket Brewery is undergoing repairs.

Cleveland: The mail room at the Post Office where I work is being fumigated.

Quagmire: I'm on two week paid vacation. So I don't have to fly for while.

Cleveland: Cool! Guess we all got some time off.

Quagmire: It's great, but, we all need money to live our lives you know.

Peter: I keep forgetting about that.

Joe: If only we can do something that can make us some money while we're all out of work for a while....

Quagmire: Hmmm, yeah. But what...

Peter: I can pimp you again, Quagmire!

Quagmire: Oh no!

Peter: Oh come on, this time I'll make a movie and it'll be a sequel Deuce Bigolo! I can just see it now! Deuce Bigolo! The Next Generation!

Quagmire: After the hell you put me though with that, I don't think so.

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire would soon be in for the shock of their lives. When they see a very famous rapper walk though the doors of the Drunken Clam.

Joe: I think I shit myself!

Cleveland: Phew! Yeah, I can smell it!

Peter: Is that.....Jay Z?

Quagmire: Why so it is!

Jay Z: Excuse me! I have a concert I'm doing in here Quahog. While I'm in town I want to find a nice calm New England town where I can record my next album.

Jerome: Jay Z! Great to have you here in Quahog!

Jay Z: Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a recording artist are you?

Jerome: Afraid not. Just a bartender.

Peter (whispers): This could be a good way for us to make money while we're out of work.

Joe (scoffs): What is your divine plan for this?

Peter (whispers): I'm going to pretend to be a recording artist. Then I'll get paid and give you guys the money.

Cleveland: Well, you pulled off lots of schemes in your lifetime, Peter.

Quagmire: Just hope you don't get caught.

Peter (whispers): I won't. Now watch the learn from the pro!

Jay Z sees Peter walk up to him.

Peter: Hello, Jay Z. You came to the right place. (shaking his hand)

Jay Z: Really? Why?

Peter: I happen to be a recording artist and I shall be the one to record your new album.

Jay Z: Awesome! I'm here for two days before I have to do a gig in Chicago.

Peter writes down an address.

Jay Z: Is this your studio?

Peter: Sure is. Meet me there after your concert.

Jay Z: OKay it's a deal.

Peter watches as Jay Z walks out of the Drunken Clam.

Joe: Do you really have a recording studio?

Peter: No but I will use that one Weenie and the Butt use.

Quagmire: I really don't have that much faith you can pull this off, Peter.

Peter: I can and will. This is a better scheme then when I was a stuntman for the movie Stakeout.


Scene changes to a fish factory with a bunch of dead fish sliding down a water slide. With Peter sliding in the water with the dead fish.

Peter: WWWOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH! I hope my budget cuts for this scene......

[End Cutaway]

Scene 3:

Late that night when Jay Z finished his Quahog concert. Peter goes to the Quahog Radio station 97.1 WHQG. Inside Weenie and The Butt were doing their usual thing.

Weenie: Hey everybody it's Weenie and the Butt here.....

Before Weenie or the Butt could say anything more, Peter throws a stink bomb into the studios which causes both of them to fall into a deep sleep. Peter goes inside and throws out Weenie and the Butt who were sleeping from the Stink Bomb then hides the rowdy radio hosts in the bushes where they can't be seen Peter then calls Jay Z.

Peter: Okay Jay Z! The coast is clear!

Jay Z: Awesome! You the man, Peter.

Peter: Now let's record that record for yours!

Jay Z: You know, if this succeeds, I'll tell all the rappers about you!

Peter gets ready to record the new album Jay Z had planned. Turning on a recorder and leading Jay Z to a booth.

Jay Z: Are we ready?

Peter: Ready! And....go!

Meanwhile, back in the Griffin's house. Brian was headed out to the mailbox. Then he sees Stewie with a metal detector.

Brian: I better go see what this is all about....(walks over to Stewie)

Stewie: Oh hey, Brian!

Brian: What's with the metal detector? Are you trying to be Kate Hudson in Fool's Gold? Considering you like to pretend you're a female.

Stewie: Remember when the Fatman had one. Well I decided I can do better with a metal detector and pick up even better treasures. Come along.

Brian agrees to come along. He and Stewie were walking along in the woods.

Stewie: Okay! It's detecting something! Oooh! This is so exciting! (singing) Anything the Fatman can do! I can do better!

Brian: Didn't know you were in Irving Berlin fan.

Stewie: I'm a homosexual. Of course I'm going to like musicals.

Brian: Where is Peter, anyway. He never came home for some reason.

Stewie: Who cares! We don't get involved in his impulsive escapades! Just follow the metal detector!

Brian and Stewie both run to the spot where the metal detector was beeping very fast. Brian then digs into the dirt.

Stewie: There must be something buried under there.

Brian: Knowing you it's probably something you think can achieve your goal of taking over the world and killing Lois.

Stewie watches as Brian was done digging. Stewie goes into the hole and takes out a circular metal case.

Brian: Oh my gosh! We actually found something?!

Stewie: Indeed we have, Brian! (squeals with excitement) Ooooh! This is going to be the shit!

Brian opens the metal case. Inside where was a film reel. On the film reel it had a label that said, "THE THREE STOOGES. BLACK WIDOW FOR MOE!"

Stewie: A film reel! Blast! What the fuck are we supposed to do with this!

Brian: Stewie. Don't you see? This is a lost Three Stooges episode that never aired. I think we should watch it.

Stewie: Well, okay Brian. There's already other times for world domination anyway. I must say, a lost Three Stooges episode really piques my curiosity.

Brian: Of course. We can watch it, and find out why it never aired. Then we can air it to the public.

Stewie: If we can get some money out of it. I'm in! Good thing the Quahog Community College still has film projectors.

Brian: I know where that is.

Stewie and Brian take the film reel and drive to the Quahog Community College to find a film projector.

Scene 4:

Back at the WHQG Radio Station, Peter had just got done with recording Jay Z's new album.

Jay Z: Thank you so much!

Peter: All in a day's work, Jay Z!

Jay Z: Now that my concert is over, I gotta go over to do my gig in Chicago now.

Peter: You will still put in a good word for me with the other rappers right?

Jay Z: Absolutely I will. In fact for my gratitude.....(taking out his checkbook)

Peter looks as Jay Z gives him a check for $300,000.

Jay Z: There you go. Consider that your paycheck. Later.

Peter was astounded when Jay Z gave him a check.

Jay Z: You deserved that. I like to give money to people who help me. I'm rich anyway.

Peter runs out f the WHQG radio station. Then he remembered Weenie and the Butt were still knocked out from the stink bomb. Peter then injects them with crippling doses of Tylenol PM in a liquid form. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire come to see Peter.

Quagmire: So, were you able to pull it off?

Cleveland: Did Jay Z really think you were a legit recording artist.

Peter: Yep! He bought. And look what he gave me! (holds out the check)

Joe: Wow Peter! I don't know how to feel. Jealous or proud.

Cleveland: You actually got paid...

Quagmire: This means you'll give us some too, right.

Peter: Of course I will. In fact Jay Z told me to put a good word in for me so I can record more rap albums!

Cleveland: Wow Peter! I like you now more than ever. You're doing something great for the black community!

Peter: Yessiree Bob I am. This is much sweeter than when I killed that monster from Fire Maidens from Outer Space.


The sacrifice scene from Fire Maidens from Outer Space is shown. As the Fire Maidens were dancing around as one of them was tied to an alter about to be thrown into fire. Some of the male astronauts were tied to a pole forced to watch the sacrifice. The monster was walking into the room. The Fire Maidens all run to the walls screaming in fear. That was until Peter Griffin comes in with a gas grenade.

Monster (approaches Maiden on the alter): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IIIIIIIIIIIIII!! OOOOOOOOOOO! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! (throws one of the Maidens aside)


Peter (throws the gas grenade at the monster): Next time use some consonants! You warped twisted figment of Cy Roth's imagination!

[End Cutaway]

In no time at all. All the rappers were coming to Quahog in limos. Lois just got done putting away groceries that is until a knock is heard at the door.

Lois: I'll get that.

Answering the door, Lois was in total frozen awe that famous rappers were at the door.

Lois: Uhh, uhhh, are you guys rappers?

At the door was Snoop Doggy Dogg, Coolio, Busta Rhymes, Lil Wayne, Kayne West, Drake, Jason Derulo and Dr Dre.

Drake: Why yes we are!

Coolio: Is Peter Griffin here?

Peter runs down the stairs laughing.

Lois: Peter? What are these rappers doing here? And what do they want with you?

Jason Derulo (to Lois): Hey whore girl! Swalla!

Peter: Oh right. I knew you were going to find out about this sooner or later. You see, Jay Z was in town for a concert yesterday.

Lois: All right....go on....(arms crossed in disbelief)

Peter: He was looking for a recording artist so I offered to record his new album. After I did, he paid me for it and put in a good word for me to record rap albums for other rappers. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Lois: You know what? I'll support you on this one, Peter. For once it's not something destructive or could end up killing the whole town. Rappers. Come on in!

Drake, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Coolio Busta Rhymes, Lil Wayne, Jason Derulo Dr. Dre, Kayne West all enter the Griffins. Lois goes to make some refreshments. Peter tells the rappers to get in line.

Peter: Okay, who wants to go first.

Coolio: Uh me.

Busta Rhymes: No I will...

Peter: Come on, one at a time please. (looks around) Has anyone seen Snoop Dogg?

In Meg's bedroom. Snoop Doggy Dogg offers her a drink. Meg takes it.

Snoop Doggy Dogg: So how do you like my drink?

Meg: Mmm. It's delicious. What is it?

Snoop Doggy Dogg: Gin and Juice bitch!

Meg begins to choke until he falls over and faints.

Back in the living room. Peter chooses all the rappers.

Lois: So Peter does this mean you're going to become a famous rap mogul?

Peter: That's what I'm aiming for! I always aim high!

Coolio: Amen to that brother!

Dr. Dre: Yeah, but you still haven't chosen which one of us you will record first?

Peter: Aww hell! All of you can come! Nobody is first, second, or last!

Kayne West: Yeah!

Dr Dre: Cool dawg!

Snoop Doggy Dogg: Right on!

Busta Rhymes: Jay Z told us you have a recording studio.

Peter: Gentlemen, follow me!

The rappers were all headed to their limos as Peter headed to his car. Peter and the rappers were now on their way to the WHQG radio station.

Scene 5:

Brian was driving Stewie home from the Quahog Community College. Once Brian parks his Prius, he and Stewie picked up the projector they had stolen and then went upstairs to set it up in Stewie's bedroom.

Stewie: Oh boy! What wacky adventures will await the Three Stooges in this one?

Brian: We'll soon find out.

Stewie and Brian set up the projector and put in the filmstrip of the lost Three Stooges episode they had found.

Chris (coming into Stewie's room): Excuse me guys. Can I watch too?

Brian: Oh hey, Chris come on in.

Chris: So, what are you guys watching? It's not something educational is it?

Stewie: No way! Nothing like that. It's a lost episode of The Three Stooges!

Chris: Yay! Three Stooges are awesome! Here's a fun fact, they had a brief appearance in a Dean Martin movie Four For Texas.

Brian: That's right.

Chris: I hated how Curly Joe had to get beat up by Dean Martin thought....

Stewie: Still not over that I see.

Brian: We never should've shown him that scene on Youtube.

Chris: Then there was a movie where they meet Mickey Mouse!

Stewie: No Chris they never meet Mickey Mouse.

Brian: He must've gotten that confused with Hollywood Party.

Stewie: Let's just watch.

Brian turns on the projector. The episode begins to play. The Three Stooges theme song plays. The third stooge in it was Shemp.

Chris: Oh boy! Shemp! He's my favorite! I hope this is one where they solve a crime.

Brian (reads the title): A Black Widow for Moe. Maybe it will be one where they solve a mystery Chris.

Stewie: Less talk more watching!

The episode took place in a barber shop. Moe, Larry, and Shemp were barbers. Larry was sweeping the floors. Moe looked like he was reading a letter. Shemp was cleaning the windows.

Moe: Hey mutton heads. My girlfriend wrote back to me.

Larry: Girlfriend? You actually have a girlfriend.

Shemp: This is gotta see.

Larry and Shemp stop what they're doing to read Moe's letter from his girlfriend.

Moe: Can't believe she wrote back to me. Listen to this. Dear Moe. I want to declare my love for you. So I cordially invite you to a dinner party in your honor. Signed Madame.

Larry: Your girl is named Madame? (laughs) What a dumb name!

Shemp: Maybe she's a goon like you! (laughs)

Moe takes Larry's broom and hits him over the head with it. Then takes the glass cleaner Shemp was using and forces him to drink it. Shemp then burps up bubbles.

Larry: Hey, look at Shemp!

Shemp (burping bubbles): Hee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee!

Moe (sighs): My Madame. Wants to have a dinner in my honor.

Shemp (walks by and burps more bubbles): Hee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee!

Larry: Can we come too?

Moe: No! This is a private matter!

Brian (watching): Knowing the Stooges, Larry and Shemp will come with him anyway.

Larry: What do you want us to do while you're away.

Moe: You porcupine and spinach chin are going to mind the store. I got a date with destiny!

Shemp (burps bubbles): Hee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee!

Moe: Blow your bubbles someplace else, Bubble Wand! (slaps Shemp in the back of the head)

Stewie (watching): Hmm. Typical Stooges episode so far.

Chris (watching): But why was it hidden away from the public?

Brian (watching): That's what we're trying to find out....

Stewie, Brian, and Chris continue to watch the Three Stooges episode to try to find out why it was banned.

Scene 6:

Back at the WHQG radio station. Lil John, Busta Rhymes, Coolio, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Jason Derulo, Kayne West, Dr. Dre, and Drake were all lined up to record their new CDs.

Matchbook Romance Monsters Plays.

One by one the rappers took turns having Peter record their new CDs. Peter gets paid by the rappers from each and every CD he records for them. Peter then uses the money to renovate his house to make it look more like a mansion. The next day, more rappers like DJ Khalid, LL Cool J, and Jason Derulo were lined up for Peter to record some rap CDs for them. Peter was having loads of fun with this. Especially with Lois's support. Peter had now made over 10 million dollars.

The song ends.

Lois: Wow Peter! I can't believe this! We're rich! By doing something we actually love to do!

Peter: Sure as hell didn't need the lottery this time! (laughs)

The doorbell rings again. Peter goes to get it. DJ Khalid was at the door.

DJ Khalid: Hey, Peter I just want you to know you are now an official Rap Mogul!

Peter: No way! Get out! Really?

DJ Khalid: You bet you are, dawg! All you need now is a cool Rap Mogul nickname.

Peter: I got one! Cum Getcha Dough!

DJ Khalid: Wow! I love that! Here are more checks from all your rapper clients and friends. Peace homey!

Peter: Peace out!

As DJ Khalid leaves. Lois runs to Peter.

Lois: This is like a dream! My husband a Rap Mogul!

Peter: I know, right!

Lois: Love the name you picked out for yourself.

Peter: I've always been the master of sex puns!

Lois: Cum Getcha Dough! Come get your wife!

Peter and Lois were about to have sex on the couch. Then the doorbell rings again. Lois answers it and it was Tom Tucker.

Tom Tucker: Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker. So is it true that you, Peter Griffin are now a Rap Mogul.

Peter: Why yes I am! It all started with Jay Z walking into the Drunken Clam looking for someone to record his new CD!

Lois: The best part is, I'm married to him! (to the camera): Hey Mom and Dad! I married to a Rap Mogul! (gives middle finger) How do you like me now, bitches!

Tom Tucker: I came because I can do a report about you in the local news.

Peter: Really? That's awesome! I love being the center of attention. Especially at church!


At the Podium there was a Priest was reading from the Bible about Cain and Abel.

Priest: Cain killed Abel out of jealousy....

Running to the Podium, Peter knocks the Priest into the floor.

Peter: No! That's not true at all! Don't listen to this phony! Cain killed Abel for Lentil Soup!

Man from audience: You're right Peter. That Priest was a big fat phony!

[End cutaway]

When the newscasters went away. Peter and Lois walk around their new surroundings in their home. Which was now full of valuables like knight statues and patinting.Plus a safe for Peter to keep his money and checks in.

Lois: Love what you did to the place. Looks so classy!

Peter: I made it look like Scarface's lair. Always wanted to be like him.

Lois: Well if you're Scarface. Guess that makes me Elvira Hancock!

A lion was heard from behind the walls. Lois was stunned.

Lois: Uhhh. You didn't really get a lion did you?

Peter: Don't pay attention to that roaring, okay. It was just a drunken interior decorator sleeping on the job. (pounds on wall) Hey, go home! Your job is over!

Scene 7:

Back in Stewie's bedroom. Chris, Brian, and Stewie were still watching Black Widow for Moe.

Chris (watching): Well what do you know? Moe came alone like he said he was.

Stewie (watching): Don't be so sure...

In the episode, Moe was at the mansion where his girlfriend Madame lived.

Brian (watching): They'll show up at any minute. The Stooges are never separated for too long.

Chris (watching): Neither are the Muppets!

Stewie (watching): Shut up already!

Moe (knocking on the door): Hey Madame! It's me! Moe! The man from the letters.

A sound of bushes bustling in the wind is heard that startles Moe.

Moe: Who's there? Nobody better be trying to ruin my romance!

Larry and Shemp emerge from the bushes.

Shemp: It's us! You were scared weren't you? (laughs)

Moe: Hey, I thought I told you lame brains to mind the barber shop.

Larry: Well we couldn't resist. We just had to see your girlfriend for ourselves.

Shemp: We already got someone to watch over the store.

Moe: Yeah? Who?

Shemp: A Japanese guy named Suki Yaki Chopsticks!

Moe punches Shemp in the nose.

Larry: Leave him alone!

Moe then pulls Larry's hair from the roots. The door opened and a creepy butler answered.

Butler: You must be Moe.

Moe: Of course I am. Where's Madame? You know, my girlfriend.

Butler: Oh, Madame. She's preparing the dinner. It'll be a while until it's ready so just you wait.

A caption in the episode reads 45 MINUTES LATER.

Moe: What's taking so long with that dinner?

Larry: I know. Maybe one of us ought to go in to see.

Moe: Great idea. But who?

Larry and Moe turn to Shemp

Shemp: Oh no! I don't like the looks of that guy or this place.

Moe: You're going in to see why our dinner is delayed.

Chris was beginning to look worried as he watched the episode. Brian and Stewie were laughing at it.

Shemp: You can't make me! Nah! (sticks out his tongue)

Moe: Excuse me what did you say?

Shemp: I said, "You can't make me! Nah!" (sticks out his tongue)

Moe kicks Shemp that sent him flying into the mansion. The Butler and Madame spot Shemp.

Chris (watching): Oh no! I got a bad feeling about this...

Stewie (watching): Really Chris? You can't be taking this to hard It's comedy!

Brian (watching): Don't tell me you're worried about Shemp!

Back in the episode, The Butler and Madame grab Shemp.

Butler: Think we got ourselves a prisoner!

Madame: Yes! We'll use him to get the other two idiots so I can kill them both!

Shemp (cries for help): MOE! LARRY! MOE LARRY!

Butler: That was your plan all along. Get a boyfriend so you can kill him.

Madame: You catch on quick, Jeeves!

Butler: My name is not Jeeves. (looks at Shemp) You won't be going anywhere.

Chris (gets up as he watches): NNNNNNNOOOO!! Oh please! Tell me this isn't happening to Shemp!

Brian and Stewie ignore Chris's concern for Shemp as they laugh at the episode. Butler and Madame tie up Shemp and gag his mouth. Outside Moe and Larry break into the house.

Larry: Oh no! They got Shemp!

Moe: We gotta save him!

Chris (sobs): Why did it have to be Shemp! Why not Larry? (sobs)

Brian: Chris, don't you want to see why this episode disappeared?

Chris (sobs): I do but why did Shemp have to get kidnapped.

Stewie: Uhh, because he's an easy target. Curly was too.

Chris (sobs): I haven't felt this sad after I told Mom I watched a John Wayne movie.


Running out of the living room. Chris goes into the kitchen to tell Lois about a movie he saw.

Chris: Great news Mom! I just watched a John Wayne movie.

Lois: Which one?

Chris: Uhh, Flying Leathernecks. Not that wasn't it. I think.....hmmmm... Might've been True Grit.

Lois: If you watch those John Wayne movies you're going to become a Republican!

Chris (gasps): NO REALLY!

Lois: Yes really!

Running out of the house Chris screams at the top of his lungs.

Chris: I don't wanna be a Republican!!!

All the neighbors looked at Chris like he was insane.

[End Cutaway]

Scene 8:

When more rappers came to Quahog for Peter to record their CDs. Peter was now throwing a party at his his house. All the biggest names in rap were there. From Flo Rida to Jason Derulo, and Eminem. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were there too.

Flo Rida: Great party, Cum Getcha Dough!

Peter: Why thank you, Flo Rida!

Joe: Have to admit, you became an overnight millionaire.

Cleveland: You didn't even need to go to college.

Quagmire: So, when are you going to give us some of your money like you promised?

Peter: Don't worry. It's coming. Patience people patience!

Lois (dancing around): I was never too crazy about hip hop. They sure are fun to party with!

Peter: You're right about that, Lois.

A news report on TV comes on Peter's success on being a Recording Artist.

Lois: The news report is starting everyone! Come gather!

Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney are now doing the news report.


Tom Tucker: Good afternoon I'm Tom Tucker.

Joyce Kinney: And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Lois: I pranked her ass in high school!

Tom Tucker: Our top story. Local man, Peter Griffin recorded an album for Jay Z the other day.

Joyce Kinney: That's right Tom, then Jay Z told his fellow rappers about Peter being a recording artist and now Peter Griffin AKA Cum Getcha Dough is now the richest man in the East Coast.

Rappers and Lois: YYYYAAAAAYYYYY!

Peter (takes a bow): Thank you! Thank you! You are all too kind.

Tom Tucker: This just in. Cum Getcha Dough is now on the cover of Forbes magazine!

Joyce Kinney: And Fortune 500!

Peter: Holy Freaking Sweet!

Lois: How does it feel like to be the richest man in Quahog!

Peter: It is awesome! (cellphone rings)

Answering his cellphone. It was Jay Z.

Peter: Hello, Cum Getcha Dough speaking.

Jay Z: Hey, Cum Getcha Dough. I got you a gig.

Peter: Really where?

Jay Z: At the iHeartRadio Concert in Las Vegas. Are you in?

Peter: Am I ever! You bet I'll be there!

Jay Z: Cool thanks. See you there!

Peter (hangs up cellphone): I just got accepted to host an iHeartRadio Concert in Las Vegas!


Lois: Wow! That's wonderful!

Joe: So can we have some of that money now?

Peter: Okay. But conditions apply....

Moments later, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire found themselves being Peter's servants en route to Las Vegas on a private jet.

Cleveland: Well if this the only way he's going to give us this money.....

Quagmire: Don't really have a choice here.

At the Pewterschmidt mansion. Carter was looking at the Forbes and Fortune 500 Magazine covers that featured Peter Griffin. He was none too happy that his son in law was making more money than he. Thus the fact how Peter became rich so quickly by recording rap records. Babs walks into the living room with concern for her husband.

Babs: Carter dear. You seem upset. Whatever is the matter.

Carter: That fucking asshole son in law of mine......

Pauly Shore (appears out of nowhere): Did somebody say Son In Law?

Carter: Fuck you, Pauly Shore! Nobody likes you anymore!

Pauly Shore (running away): Sorry!

Babs: Oh no. What has Peter done now.

Carter: He became a Rap Mogul. You haven't heard the worst part. Peter became rich in two days! And here I had to work my way from the ground up!

Babs: But you were born into riches. It's not like you were Gatsby or anything.

Carter: I know. Even though I grew up rich I still had to work hard.

Babs: You don't like how Peter usurped your status as the richest man in Quahog.

Carter: You damn right about that. (getting up from the couch): So that's why I've decided to take action.

Babs: What are you going to do?

Carter: You shall see! (grins evilly)

Scene 9:

Brian, Chris, and Stewie were still watching Black Widow For Moe. Chris has tears in his eyes.

Stewie: I don't see a thing wrong with this Stooge episode.

Brian: Exactly. We still don't know why......

Chris: Maybe it's good this episode was never seen. My God! Poor Shemp. (sobs)

Stewie: Remind me to smack your ass later Chris.

In the episode, Moe and Larry were looking around for Shemp in the mansion.

Moe: Still no sign of Shemp anywhere.

A quick scene of Shemp shown bound and gagged was shown. Which sends Chris into a tizzy. Then cuts back to Moe and Larry.

Larry: You know Moe. We need someone else to help us find Shemp.

Moe: You're right imbecile. There's usually three of us.....

Then Moe and Larry hear the voice of a black man.

Black Man: I'll help ya find your friend!

Moe and Larry turn around and as it turned out, the Black Man was a severed head with wings.

Black Man: You betta get outta here. Madame lures men here to date so she can kill them.

Moe and Larry run away screaming. Brian and Stewie finally figured out why the episode was lost.

Brian (watching): My god that's it.

Stewie (watching): We finally solved the riddle.

Brian (watching): This episode was banned because it showed a black guy with a decapitated head.

Stewie (watching): Maybe they thought if this episode had aired it would scare people.

Brian (watching): Not only that, perhaps Columbia Pictures thought it could be degoratory to black people.

Chris (watching): Who cares about that! Will somebody please think of Shemp! (sobs)

Stewie (watching): What should we do after?

Brian (Watching): Well in today's PC world. We could just keep the episode for ourselves.

Stewie (watching): You're right Brian. If we put this on Youtube or even television. The Three Stooges could get cancel cultured!

Brian (watching): We don't want that to happen.

Chris (tries to run away): That's it! I'm outta here! I'm never watching the Stooges again! And furthermore I hate how you both invalidate me about Shemp! (sobs)

Before Chris could run out the door, Brian and Stewie block Chris's path. Chris was able to get away from them both by crawling under them.

Stewie: BLAST! He got away.

Brian (calls to Chris): Come on back! Don't you want to see how this plays out?

Chris: NO! FUCK IT! I'm gonna tell Mom! (sobs)

Stewie: To hell with him. The thought of a severed black man's head is hilarious!

Brian: I know right. Even I thought it was cool. As much of a liberal I am.

Stewie: Should we bring Chris back? We could resort to emotional blackmail.

Brian: Nah, let's not. We'll watch the rest ourselves.

Stewie and Brian go back to watching Black Widow For Moe.

Scene 10:

Chris came bawling into the kitchen. Lois was there making dinner.

Lois: Chris? My God. What happened?

Chris: Mom, you know The Three Stooges?

Lois: Yeah, what about them?

Chris: Why do they always have to make Shemp be the victim?

Lois (spitefully): Dammit Chris! Why are you worried about The Three Stooges for? They're BONES!

Chris: BONES?!


In the cutaway, Chris imagines the Three Stooges doing their comedic antics as skeletons.

Skeleton Moe: I'll murduh ya!

Skeleton Shemp: I'll tear your tonsils out!

Skeleton Larry: Get outta here!

Skeleton Moe: You see that?

Skeleton Larry: Yeah!

The Skeleton Moe's arm breaks and the Skeleton Larry's hand breaks off too.

Skeleton Shemp: Leave them alone!

Then the Skeleton Moe, Skeleton Larry, and Skeleton Shemp all get into a fight until their bones all break and fall to the ground.

[End Cutaway]

Lois: Yes they're all dead now. Whatever they did in their movies doesn't matter anymore.

Chris: Great! Now I gotta hear it from you now!

Lois: What is the issue with you, Chris? Aren't you aware that your father is now a famous Rap Mogul? Look at everything you have!

Chris: Why doesn't anybody want to make me feel better about this! (runs off crying)

Lois: Uhh, whatever. I don't want to have to deal with bullshit nonsense. From any of the kids! I'm going to Vegas to see Peter's concert. I'll just use Daddy's Jet.

A newspaper from the Quahog Times reads, "QUAHOG RHODE ISLAND. THE NEW HIP HOP CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!" Carter Pewterschmidt reads the paper and grumbles madly. Babs lets Lois use Carter's Jet to fly to Vegas for Peter's concert.

Babs: Guess what, Carter?

Carter: WHAT!

Babs: Lois went to Vegas. Now is your chance to take all of Peter's money and keep it for yourself.

Carter: Really! YES!

Babs: That was your plan to take him down, right?

Carter: Ahh, Babs! You know me so well. Nows the time for me to bring down that embarrassment to Quahog and our family known as Peter Griffin! (wringing his hands and laughing).

Scene 11:

Carter gets his limo and drives to Peter's house. Out of the limo comes a bunch of men in cut burglar suits. As does Carter who was ready to give orders to take everything with value and all the money Peter made from him.

Man in Cat Burglar Suit: What's the plan again?

Carter: Go into Peter's house and find some money, checks and take anything that's valuable.

Man in Cat Burglar Suit: RIGHT!

All the men in cat burglar suits all rushed inside Peter's house. One of them broke into a safe and stole checks and money. Most of them just found anything valuable they can get their hands on. The Lion Peter was keeping ran away scared. Carter stood back and enjoyed what he had started. Overall, the men in cat burglar suits gave Carter all the money and checks Peter had stored. Then some asked what they should do with the valuables.

Man in Cat Burglar Suit: What should we do with this knight statue?

Carter: Just pawn it!

Man in Cat Burglar Suit: Right sir!

Carter sees that more men came out with golden records, paintings, and anything else a rich person would have in a house. The deed was done. Within time, the paintings, golden records, statues were all being sent to the pawn shop. Under the strict order that all the money from the pawn shop and money and checks Peter made to record rap records were to be sent straight to Carter's bank account. The men in cat burglar suits all drove away in their own cars. Babs came out to congratulate him.

Babs: Wow Carter! You stood up for what you believed in! That's the man I fell in love with!

Carter: Indeed I did Babs! There was no fucking way I was going to be in competition with Peter over who the richest man in Quahog is.

Babs: You're right. Peter did a very dumbass thing to be rich that's for sure.

Carter: Now I'm back in my rightful spot of being the richest man in New England.

Babs: So, what would you like to do? You know, when all that money comes in your name?

Carter: I'll think of something soon. But for right now. The first thing I'm going to do is call my mother!

Babs and Carter both laugh.

Scene 12:

Having no clue at all that Carter had taken everything away from him. Peter Griffin was set to host the iHeartRadio concert in Las Vegas. Missy Elliot was going to introduce him.

Missy Elliot: Without further ado. Here is the man of the hour. The freshest face in Hip Hop himself! Cum Getcha Dough!

The audience erupted with cheers as Peter Griffin took the stage. Lois was cheering and clapping for him the loudest.

Lois: See that man! I'm married to him! He's mine bitches! You can't have him.

Peter: Wonderful wonderful Thank you all! For those of you who don't know me. I'm Cum Getcha Dough! I am a new Rap Mogul who has taken the Hip Hop Culture by storm.

The audience cheers again.

Peter: This is a concert so I am going to sing for you all! A little song called Acapella! But I will sing it without background music.


Peter (proceeds to sing): Used to be your baby, used to be your lady! Thought you were the perfect lover.....

The Audience: YAY! YAY! YAY!

Peter (sings): Thought you were the perfect lover. All the harmony went falling out of key...

Lois: Yeah! Yeah! Go Peter!

Back in the Griffin house, Brian and Stewie got done watching Black Widow For Moe. They were laughing.

Stewie: Wow! That was the best Three Stooges episode ever!

Brian: You bet man! It was Oscar worthy!

Stewie: The funniest part was when Moe and Larry slipped on some oil!

Brian: Then a bunch of gun powder blew in their direction and sent them both flying.

Stewie and Brian both crack up.

Brian: But still. I don't get why Shemp getting kidnapped got Chris so upset.

Stewie: Too bad he didn't stick around for the end.

Brian: He really missed out on something fun!

Stewie: Madame and that Butler got their comeuppance. Then Shemp was saved.

Brian: I loved how the cops broke into the mansion and got those sons of bitches who wanted to kill Moe!

Stewie: Then the severed black guy's head said, "I HELPED!" Then the cops ran away all scared!

Chris was crying on the couch.

Brian (rolling his eyes): Great. He's still upset. It's been two days.

Stewie and Brian decide to talk to Chris. Neither of them had no idea of Peter's reign as a Rap Mogul known as Cum Getcha Dough.

Chris: What do you guys want.

Brian: We just want to say we are very disappointed with your behavior.

Chris: Why? Because I have feelings?

Stewie: We found a lost Three Stooges episode then you got all upset about it.

Chris: With good reason. I hate when bad things happen to Shemp. Like I said before, why didn't Larry get kidnapped?

Brian: You take things way too seriously. All that stuff that happened in Black Widow for Moe wasn't real.

Stewie: It was all acting! It wasn't reality!

Chris: Well I don't care! Shemp deserves better!

Brian: Why do you care so much about Shemp?

Chris: Brian, are you a scientist?

Brian: No but my point is....

Chris: Then stop trying to examine me under a microscope!

Stewie: Yeah well. Shemp made a lot of money having all those 'bad things' happen to him in any of the episodes.

Brian: Not only that you also missed some really funny parts of a black guy with a severed head and bat wings who kept scaring Moe and Larry!

Chris: So what? I'm never watching the Stooges again! From now on, I'll stick with the Marx Brothers and Amos and Andy.

Stewie: Fine! Give up on the Stooges just because of one episode! See if we care!

Brian: That's your problem! Not ours.

Chris runs away. Stewie and Brian are at a loss of what to do about the filmstrip.

Brian: Want to know what I think we should do.

Stewie: With the episode?

Brian: We'll hide it somewhere and keep it for ourselves.

Stewie: That's a good idea Brian.

Brian and Stewie hide the filmstrip of Black Widow of Moe in Stewie's Weapon Room.

Stewie: There. Now nobody knows of this episode expect us.

Brian: Chris knows about it maybe we ought to erase his memory of it.

Stewie: Good thing I know how to do that.

Scene 13 Conclusion:

Peter and Lois were coming back to Quahog from Las Vegas after doing the iHeartRadio Concert. A taxi dropped them off at their house.

Lois: Wow Peter! You kicked ass at the concert.

Peter (a'la Sally Field): "They Loved Me! They Really Loved Me!"

Lois (cracks up): You sound just like her!

Peter and Lois enter their home. They were about to see the horror spread out before them. All of the valuables Peter had bought were all gone.

Lois: Holy fuck! Where is everything you bought!

Peter: It's...gone....all gone...Even my Great Rape of Rome Painting is Gone! I feel like Mel Brooks in Life Stinks!

Lois (finds a note): Someone left a note.

Peter: Maybe we were repossessed. But my servants were paying my bills.

Lois: I know. Let's find out what this note says.

Peter (reads the note): Dear Asshole Son in Law. You're too late. I got all your money and valuables. And you got the gate. There is no way I am ever going to let you be richer than me you son of a bitch. Signed, Carter Pewterschmidt!

Lois: That explains everything! Daddy was probably jealous you were making more than him.

Peter (sighs): It was fun while it lasted. Well, guess this means no more Cum Getcha Dough.

Lois: Oh Peter. It doesn't matter to me if you're rich, poor, work at a Toy Factory, or a Brewery. You're still my husband and I love you.

Peter: You're right Lois. Maybe it is better to be middle class anyway.

Lois: Of course.

Peter: It's just that I can see you were having fun being rich again.

Lois: If you want the truth, being rich was never really fun for me. I had to spend my whole childhood and teen years upholding my Daddy's reputation. So I guess you can say for the first time ever I enjoyed being rich this time with no boundaries put on by my parents. But I like being middle class even more.

Peter: Wow, sounds like you had to take on lots of responsibilities. And for once I wasn't reckless with the money I made. You even supported me when I was Cum Getcha Dough instead of trying to pry me out of it.

Lois: I support you no matter what you do!

The doorbell rings and Peter goes to answer it.

Peter: Can I help you?

At the door it was Weenie and The Butt who had a bone to pick with Peter.

Weenie: Hello Peter Griffin....

Peter: You guys are Weenie and The Butt.

The Butt: Could you come down to our station for us please....

Peter: Why sure!

Weenie and The Butt did not forget how Peter knocked them out with a stink bomb in order to use their studio to record rap records. Now Peter Griffin finds himself at the receiving end of being the butt of Weenie and The Butt's jokes.

The Butt: Hey out there in Radio land! We're going to prank Peter Griffin for stealing our radio station.

Weenie: We're going have him get butt-slammed!

Radio Singers: Butt-Slam Peter Griffin!

Lower Voice: For stealing 97.1!

Radio Singers: Now they're going to kick his ass!

Lower Voice: Because they're Weenie And The Butt!

Radio Singers: WHQG!

Peter Griffin was in the recording room laying face down on the floor with his bare butt exposed.

Weenie: Hope you're ready Peter!

Peter (cries): I'm ready!

The Butt: ...and fire!

Weenie and The Butt have scantily clad women spank Peter with a whips and paddles.

Peter (crying): I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry for stealing your station!

Weenie: Now this is what I call sweet revenge!

The Butt: Nobody takes away our radio station and gets away with it.

Peter was heard in the back screaming.

Radio Singers: Sweet Revenge!

Lower Voice: Nobody fucks with Weenie And The Butt.

Radio Singers: Whoever does gets their ass whipped for real!

Lower Voice: On 97.1!

Radio Singers: WHQG! Don't touch that dial!

Peter (getting whipped): Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Oooooh! The pain! The pain!

Weenie and The Butt sat back and enjoyed humiliating Peter Griffin on local radio.


Sign up to rate and review this story