Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD

Tickets To Ripley's Or Bust

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

The Paradise PD try to raise money for tickets to visit The Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum. By becoming farmers. Meanwhile, Fitz and Brett DeMarco try to take advantage of a Rainbow Gathering.

Category: Paradise PD - Rating: R - Genres: Parody - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2021-07-07 - 5626 words - Complete

Paradise PD

Fanfic Title

Tickets To Ripley's or Bust

Scene 1:

One Saturday night. At the Crawford lakehouse. Kevin was there watching his favorite movie on the HDTV.

Kevin: Oh boy! I love watching R.I.P.D. on this HD!

While the movie was playing. Randall, Stanley, Gina, Bullet, and Dusty all run into the living room unexpectedly.

Kevin: Oh hey, Dad! What's all this about?

Gina: Last one in is a rotten twat waffle!

Kevin: What's going on, Dad?

Randall: Oh you don't know?

Dusty: Every Saturday night, Randall invites us to watch Ripley's Believe It Or Not on his HD!

Stanley: I got something you all won't believe. I made a sex tape with Robert Ripley.

Bullet: Yeah, sure you did, Stanley.

Kevin: I'm glad you guys all want to have fun, but I'm not done with my movie yet.

Randall: Too damned bad for you, Kevin! The deed of this lakehouse is in my name so I what I say goes!

Feeling dejected, Kevin decides to watch the rest of R.I.P.D. upstairs.

Bullet: All right! Everyone find your seats!

Gina (sits next to Dusty): Got mine!

Dusty (cooing): Oooh Gina!

Bullet: What episode we watching today?

Randall: Doesn't matter. Just as long as it's the Jack Palance version!

Dusty: Yeah! There was never a better Ripley's host than Jack Palance!

Gina: Well, what are we waiting for! Let's watch some Ripley's. I loves me some Ancient Catacombs and Sound Poetry!

Randall: Bullet you can do you impressions of Jack Palance during the show!

Bullet: Oh you know I will! (laughs)

Upstairs Kevin scoffs as he hears the commotion Randall, Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty were all making.

Kevin: At least I get to finish my movie. Jack Palance my ass! Dean Cain was a better host!

Before it begins Randall has an announcement to make.

Randall: Since we the Paradise PD are such hard core Ripley's fans. I've decided to get us all tickets for all of us to visit The Ripley's Believe Or Not Museum in LA!

The living room erupted in cheers.

Kevin: Bet Dad will leave me out of this one.

Scene 2:

Sunday morning. Still at the Crawford lakehouse. Kevin sees Randall in the kitchen on his laptop.

Kevin: Uhh, morning Dad!

Randall: Kevin! You missed a great party last night!

Kevin: Only because you kicked me out.

Randall: Well I had good reasons to! Now shut up I'm trying to find some tickets to the Ripley's Museum.

Kevin: I know you're not going to want to hear me but if you want tickets try Ebay.

Randall: Think I already know how to do that. You young people think you're so fucking smart about the internet?

Kevin: Can I come too if you get these tickets? I like Ripley's just as much as the rest of the Paradise PD does.

Randall: I acknowledge that you do, Kevin. Unfortunately you like that shitty version with Dean Cain!

Kevin: Well I respect your opinion. You like Jack Palance and I like Dean Cain.

Randall: Yes! Found them! Tickets to Ripley's!

Kevin: This isn't going to another one of you and Mom's broken promises is it?

Randall: Don't worry little baby. I won't leave you out!

Kevin: As I recall. From past experience. Since I was little when Mom got involved in a political career. You, me and her watched the movie Primary Colors....

A flashback sequence is shown. Randall and Karen looked such younger than they do now. Kevin was a child sitting between them.

Younger Karen: You see John Travolta in that movie, Kevin.

Younger Kevin: Yes I did Mommy!

Younger Randall: That's going to be us someday Kevin!

Younger Karen: Exactly. Especially when Mommy makes it big!

Younger Randall: We will move to Miami and live just like the Stantons!

Younger Kevin: Oh boy! I can't wait!

The flashback ends.

Randall: We gave up on moving to Miami the moment you shot my balls.

Kevin: Did you find out how much the tickets cost?

Randall: Yes I have. The tickets cost......$500! Son of a bitch!

Kevin: Holy shit? Really? That much just for a group of people to go to Ripley's?

Randall: Afraid so, Kevin.....guess we will have to come up with something.

Scene 3:

The following Monday morning. Randall tells everyone about the tickets he found on EBAY.

Randall: I have some bad news, people.

Bullet: Oh great! Here we go....another one of his ranting lectures.

Randall: Yesterday I was looking for some tickets. I was going to treat you all to tickets to the Ripley's Museum in LA.

Gina: Woah no way! We're going to the Museum?

Dusty (eating fried chicken) Which one? One of those places Ben Stiller used to work at!

Bullet: No dumbass! He means Ripley's Museum. Don't you pay any attention to anything?

Dusty (hanging his head): Sorry I must've been somewhere else. Was just so lost in this extra tasty crispy!

Randall: I went on EBAY and it turns out tickets for a group of people cost $500!

Gina: That fucking sucks!

Stanley: In my day, $500 was like a million. Could get you a row boat with a blow hole!

Kevin: Question is, how are we going to get $500?

Randall: Brainstorm people! Think of some way we can get $500!

Bullet: I earn money for my dog wrestling ventures. Let's check my bank account. I'll get you all that ticket in no time.

Going on his laptop, Bullet looks up his bank account. Only to be disappointed.

Bullet: Oh shit. I had $500 but I spent it all on argyle meth.

Randall: Fuck you anyway, Bullet. Kevin do you now how to get $500?

Kevin: Mom has an account in the Bahamas.

Randall: NO! We are not touching your Mom's money. You Gina! Any pointers?

Gina: How about I become highly priced female pimp! I'll make Dusty be my whore!

Randall: Gina! What did I say about prostituting our fellow officers?

Gina (rolls eyes): Yes, like you say all the time. It's against our code of ethics and moral standards.

Dusty: I actually was willing to do that. (snaps fingers) I just thought of something!

Randall: What is it!

Kevin: Tell us Dusty! Anything to get us to the Ripley's Museum!

Dusty: Let's all go back to my childhood home. We have something there that can make us $500!

Stanley: The dumb fat guy has a way to make us money?

Dusty: Just trust me on this. All of you meet me at this address.

Writing down his address, Dusty hands each of the Paradise PD officers a piece of paper with this home address on it.

Dusty: Think you'll all be pleasantly surprised! Be there or be square! (laughs)

Randall: Okay Dusty. This better not be anything stupid that fucks us all up!

Kevin: I'm with you all the way Dusty. As long as you admit that Dean Cain is better than Jack Palance!

Bullet: On the way to Dusty's house. I can do impersonations of him! Water! Skulls! Believe it....OR NOT!

Gina, Kevin, Stanley Randall, and Bullet all agree to go over to Dusty's house to see whatever it was that could earn them all the $500 they need to get the tickets.

Scene 4:

At the Dippin' Dots building. Gerald Fitzgerald was all alone. The Legion of DOOOOOM were all in Florida for 2 weeks Getting done watching an episode of Good Times.

Fitz: It's so quiet here without the Legion of DOOOOOM. Not even Good Times can make me feel any better.

Brett DeMarco (walks into conference room): Wallowing in boredom again, my lord!

Fitz: Very funny, Brett. I can't help it that all the Legion of DOOOOOM are away in Fort Lauderdale selling my meth to tourists.

Brett DeMarco: You have to plan something sooner or later. Once they all departed, all you did was stare at the TV.

Fitz: Why don't YOU plan something? Now go! I want to binge watch What's Happening next!

Brett DeMarco: You're the leader! You're supposed to be the one to call the shots. At least I've been going out and working for my company. And starting bar fights and fucking some cheap loose whores on the side.

Fitz: Guess you're right. There's really nothing much to do or plan without everyone else.

Brett DeMarco: There's just got to be something we can do to terrorize the Paradise residents. We need an of now, I got none.

Zeta (runs into conference room): Daddy Fitz! Uncle Brett!

Fitz: Zeta! My love! Did you have fun playing baseball with your friends at the grassy parking lot?

Zeta: Yes I did. You'll never guess what else I saw while I was playing.

Taking out her iPhone, Zeta shows Fitz and Brett DeMarco a video she made.

Zeta: We were playing until these hippie dudes kicked us out so they could use it.

Fitz: Damn Zeta! You hit a gold mine with this.

Zeta: Really? I did?

Fitz: Brett, do you know who these hippie people are?

Brett DeMarco: Yes of course! Those are members of a Rainbow Gathering.

Fitz: Now that Zeta has shown me this. It gives me an idea.

Brett DeMarco: I'm listening.

Fitz: The three of us will join this Rainbow Gathering. We'll get them all to trust us. Then you can use some mind altering pills on them, Brett. Once they take the pills, those hippies will look to us as their leaders.....

Brett DeMarco: Brilliant plan, boss! It'll be like Charlie Fucking Manson.

Fitz: Which is what I intend to do. We can make those hippies do our bidding. Like destroy those shitheads known as the Paradise PD!

Brett DeMarco: I am loving this! I heard a new couple moved here. One of them is pregnant! We can recreate the LaBianca Murders!

Fitz: You bet your ass! With those hippies under our control, there's no telling what we can make them do!

Zeta: Cool! I want in on this too!

Fitz: Yes. All of us shall join.......then divide.....and conquer! (laughs evilly)

Scene 5:

In a police car. Dusty drives the gang to his childhood home. Once they get out of the car, everyone was astounded that Dusty's childhood home was a farm.

Randall: A farm?

Kevin: You never told us you grew up on a farm.

Stanley: That explains his obesity! Probably swallowed all the cows and pigs whole!

Bullet (freaks out): Oh no! Why didn't anyone warn me about this!

Gina: What's your fucking problem?!

Bullet (freaks out): Farms! I hate farms! These are one of those farms that euthanize dogs! I'm outta here!

Gina grabs Bullet by the collar and reels him back in.

Dusty: Silly doggy. It's not a farm like that. It's a veggie farm.

Kevin: But we don't know the first thing about farming.

Dusty: Watch and learn from the pro!

Bullet (looks around): Now I'm convinced!

Dusty: Everyone listen up. We're staying here until our crops grow. I'm going to give you all a job to do. Randall you are going to do some plowing. Gina, you will water our crops. Kevin, you will use seeds to grow our crops. Bullet, you're going to be the watch dog. Stanley, you will clean the shed.

Stanley: Clean the shed hey? I once cleaned a shed for Erroll Flynn.

Gina: Woah! Dusty! This Take Charge attitude of yours is totally sexy!

Dusty: Get to it everyone! We're doing this for tickets to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum! For Ripley's!

Bullet, Gina, Randall, Dusty, Stanley, and Kevin: For Ripley's!

Soundgarden's Fresh Tendrils plays throughout as Randall was on a ride-on plowing machine. Kevin goes around spreading seeds. Gina then turns on the sprinkles. Bullet barks scaring away the animal characters from Animal Farm who claimed that the farm belongs to them. Stanley was cleaning the shed.

Scene 6:

At the grassy parking lot where Zeta and her friends played baseball earlier. The Rainbow Gathering members were all dancing around to a drum beat. With tents and tables all around. The Rainbow Gathering even had a camp site to cook their meals. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all come out of hiding after spying on the Rainbow Gathering. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta were all wearing hippie style clothes.

Fitz (snickering): Not only will I be a Kingpin. Now a cult leader too!

Brett DeMarco: Okay, now is our chance.

Fitz (plays guitar and sings): Good Sense, innocence, cripplin' mankind! Dead kings, many things, I can't define! Occasions, Persuasions clutter your mind! Incense and Pepperments the color of time......

The guitar playing Fitz was doing got the Rainbow Gathering's attention.

Member #1: Welcome!

Member #2: Feel the love man!

Member #3: Want to join us?

Member #4: Anyone is welcome!

Fitz: The whole reason why we came! Pleased to meet you! My name is Groovy Jones!

Brett DeMarco: Mine is Astro Birch! Because I'm so far out man! And in touch with nature!

Zeta: And I'm Dawn Harmony!

Member #1: Groovy, Astro, and Dawn! Come on over to us! You can help us make lunch!

Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta's plan to join the Rainbow Gathering was a success. The three of them were being lead to the camp site to make dinner.

Member #2: Just cook all this up. It's Gumbo.

Fitz: Sure, you got it!

When the Rainbow Gathering members went back to dancing, Brett DeMarco drugged the food with some mind altering drug he had from his company.

Brett DeMarco: Soon, these hippies will look to us as their leaders.

Fitz: They won't know what hit them!

Zeta: Can I go join the dance, just so I can blend in.

Fitz: Sure you can, Zeta! You can do what you want!

Brett DeMarco: Leave the drugging to us.

Zeta goes to join the Rainbow Gathering's drum beat dance.

Fitz: When these drugs take effect, they'll be dancing to the beat of a different drum!

Brett DeMarco: Yes! The beat of our drum!

Fitz and Brett DeMarco both laugh in an evil sense as they stir the pot of Gumbo which was now drugged with mind altering pills.

Scene 7:

A week had passed. The crops had not grown yet. Randall was wondering what went wrong.

Randall: Goddammit! I thought these crops would've grown by now.

Gina: The area where we plowed is still all mud and dirt.

Stanley: That was the name of a 1920's porno movie I starred in.

Kevin: If nothing grows in the days ahead, we'll never make it to the Ripley's Museum.

Bullet: I know. How about we watch that movie The Milagro Beanfield War for inspiration!

Randall: Are you insane, Bullet? No movie is going to give us tips on how to grow a crop!

Bullet: For some reason I want to suggest steroids!

Kevin: How about we ask the so-called expert himself, Dusty!

Gina: Where is he anyway?

Dusty was in the part of the farm where he was feeding pigs and baby chickens. Randall spots him.

Randall: DUSTY!

Dusty: Oh hey, Randall. Shhhh.... Keep your voice down, you're scaring the piggies and chickens!

Randall: It's been over a week and these crops you made us grow aren't sprouting worth a shit!

Dusty: You just gotta give it some time!

Randall: Time! Time! If anything, we're wasting it! Don't you know the Ebay auction on those $500 tickets is going to close in two days?!

Dusty: Oh no! I am so so sorry! I had no idea!

Randall: You better think of a way to grow these crops so we can sell them! FAST! And I mean, FAST!

Stanley runs up to them.

Dusty: Oh look, Stanley's coming.

Stanley: I was thinking.

Randall: That's a first. Your head is usually less empty than Kevin's!

Stanley: Maybe I could go to agriculture college.

Randall: Way too late for that at your age!

Stanley: I want to help with this too. When I go to Agriculture College, I can learn some tricks of the trade. Maybe I can find a way to make these crops grow faster.

Bullet (who follows Stanley): I'm coming too! Not to learn about farming but to party! Men, lock away your college aged daughters! I want to be the dog version of Flounder from Animal House.

Randall: Okay fine. You both can go to college. Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and I will take care of the farm while you're gone.

As Stanley and Bullet head off for Agriculture College. Randall tries to think of another way to earn $500. Kevin walks up to Randall.

Kevin: Where did Stanley go off to?

Randall: Him and Bullet are going to college to learn about farming.

Kevin: What a happy and proud feeling it is to see your dog and a someone old enough to be your great great Grandfather go off to college.

Randall: Too bad you didn't consider going to college instead of being a cop. Could've spared my balls!

Kevin, Randall, and Dusty head back to the barn. Gina was there stacking tumbleweeds.

Gina: Why are people always complaining about how hard this is?

Randall: Everyone fall in line.

Kevin, Gina, and Dusty all stood in line.

Randall: We are going to search for something in this farm. Since the crops aren't growing like 'somebody' promised it would....(eyeing Dusty) each and every one of you will find something here we can sell for $500!

Gina: You know, I thought I saw some type of lab in the basement. While I was gathering tumbleweed.

Kevin: Good thinking, Gina! That's a start!

Dusty: A lab hey? Is it like Beakman's World?

Randall: Nobody fucking remembers that show. Now let's go to this lab and see what it has to offer!

Kevin (rolls eyes): My Dad, always has to act like Robert E. Lee in Gods and Generals whenever we're in a kooky situation.

Gina leads Randall, Kevin, and Dusty to the basement. There was indeed a lab inside.

Scene 8:

At the Rainbow Gathering. Fitz's plan was a complete success. Now all the Rainbow Gathering members are walking in a daze as if they were lost and trying to find something.

Member #5: I feel so smooth, man.....

Member #6: I'm so fine......

Fitz (calls the members): Hey, everyone. Let's all gather around for a song.

The Rainbow Gathering members all surround Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta for guidance.

Member #7: If only we had a great leader.

Member #8: Please someone to tell us what to do....

Member #9: Wish we had somebody to show us the way man.....

Brett DeMarco: Look no further. Why not make us your leaders!

Zeta: Join us! We're a fun group!

Fitz (gets his guitar): That's right. Now's the time for you all to Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out!

Brett DeMarco: You know. Like Timothy Leary used to say!

The Rainbow Gathering members mumble in agreement as they all stand in a circle around Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta.

Fitz (plays guitar and sings to the tune of Liar Lair By The Castaways): You Need A Voice Yes You Do! Ask What It Is Groovy Jones Can Do.

Brett DeMarco and Zeta (joins in singing): And don't forget! Astro and Dawn! With Us You Can Have Fun As You Spawn!

The Rainbow Gathering members all soon dance to Fitz's song.

Fitz (plays guitar and sings): With Us, Go With the Flow! We'll Have Such A Blast Than You'll Ever Know!

Brett DeMarco and Zeta (sings): If You're Lost, We'll Tell You What To Do! After A While You'll Feel Like Someone New!

Fitz (plays guitar): And Now a guitar solo!

As The Rainbow Gathering Dances around in a circle. Fitz does a guitar solo and begins to moves like Jimi Hendrix. Brett DeMarco and Zeta dance in place next to Fitz. Which really impresses the Rainbow Gathering who begin to cheer.

Members: Hooray for Groovy Jones! Far Out Man! He's the reincarnation of Jimi Hendrix! YAY! YAY! YAY! Groovy Jones! He will be our new boss!

Fitz (continues singing and playing guitar): We have a new catchphrase!

Brett DeMarco and Zeta (singing): And that phrase is Helter Skelter!

Members: Helter Skelter! Helter Skelter! Helter Skelter!

Fitz and Brett DeMarco both winked at each other as if they were saying "We got them!"

Back in Dusty's Childhood Farm. Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Randall all found themselves in the lab.

Dusty: Wow! Cool! Never noticed this before. It really is a lab. Maybe it has one of those wire thingys that goes, "Voop! Voop! Voop!" Because you know that's important for science!

Gina: Look at all this shit, burners, plastic tubing. 12 cases of cold medicine.....

Kevin (holds a book): You guys, I think this is a meth lab!

Randall: Meth lab! Of all the times we've tried to get meth off the streets. Now _we're_ in a meth lab?! Geez, too bad Bullet went off to college. He would have gotten a kick out of this.

Dusty: Oh my. I think my childhood is ruined. Is this how my parents earned money? So they were not farmers after all?

Kevin: You know, we are policemen. How about tear this place down?

Randall: Now hang on a minute Kevin. I know you're freaked out like the little pussy you are Kevin. But when you really stop to think about it. This meth lab is our best chance to earn money for tickets to the Ripley's Museum.

Kevin: What are you saying, Dad?

Randall: What I'm trying to get through to you all here is since Dusty's crops didn't grow. This lab is just what we need to get $500!

Kevin: But, doesn't that go against everything we stand for as policemen?

Gina: Want to know something. I'm with Randall here. How about we make one meth and that's it. Only because we don't know how else to make money to get those tickets.

Randall: Glad you're on my side, Gina. That is going to work out great!

Kevin: OKay. Meth it is. Only if you admit one thing, Dad?

Randall: What will that be?

Kevin: Dean Cain is a better Ripley's host than Jack Palance.

Randall: You win okay! Dean Cain is awesome and Jack Palance is a cock sucking asshole! You happy now?

Dusty: All righty then! As Ace Ventura used to say.

Two pigs come down the lab.

Dusty (sees the pigs): Oh my piggies. I am so sorry. I forgot to feed y'all.

Pig #1: Are you guys going to feed us anytime soon?

Dusty: Sorry, we're doing drug stuff now.

Pig #2: We'll have that.

Pig #1: You just got clean.

Randall, Dusty, Gina, and Kevin all agree just to make one batch of meth for $500.

Scene 9:

At the Rainbow Gathering. All the members there were looking to Fitz as their new boss.

Member #6: Oh great Groovy Jones.

Member #7: We patiently await your orders.

Fitz: Here's what I want you all to do.

Member #8: We're listening.

Fitz: Go to the only apartment complex in town. There's a member of the Paradise PD named Dusty Marlow who lives there.

Brett DeMarco: Yes, we want you to kill him.

Member #9: Anything for you oh great Groovy Jones and Astro Birch!

Fitz: He lives in apartment number 36.

Zeta: Go now our faithful followers!

Fitz: Most important. Don't forget our catchphrase. Helter Skelter!

Members (all together): HELTER SKELTER!

Fitz: Then once you guys come back, take out all the other members of the Paradise PD!

Brett DeMarco: Got it?

Members: Yes master! Helter Skelter!

Everyone in the Rainbow Gathering all depart and head for Dusty Marlow's apartment. What nobody knew was Dusty moved out of his apartment to move back to his childhood farm home. Now the couple that Brett mentioned earlier who had a baby on the way now resided there.

Zeta: Sure is fun to take advantage of hippies!

Brett DeMarco: Yes. Especially ones under the influence of my mind altering drugs.

Fitz: After Dusty is killed, we'll have them obliterate the Paradise PD. It's awesome to have people under your control to do your killings for you!

Zeta: If only the Paradise PD could stop you now, Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett.

Fitz: Yes of course. Now I have a new catchphrase, I never killed anyone! I THINK IT! (Fitz cackles evilly)

At the apartment complex. In Dusty's old place. There lived a couple who was expecting a baby. Their names were Pollan Romanski and Tate Sharonson. Pollan was an immigrant from Poland. Tate was an inspiring stage actress.

Pollan: Wonderful idea we had to move here to Paradise.

Tate: So peaceful here! Perfect place for us to being up our baby!

The Rainbow Gathering members soon surrounded the apartment.

Pollan: Oh look! Hippies! That proves this place is peaceful.

Tate: They've always been our kind of people!

Pollan: Let's show them in!

All The Rainbow Gathering Members burst into their apartment. Armed with knives.

Tate: Hello hippies! We're new in town.


Pollan and Tate were shocked that the Rainbow Gathering members were honing on in them with knives about ready to kill them. Tate was brutally stabbed 300 times until she died. The baby inside Tate was killed too. Pollan stood there in shock as if he didn't know what to do.

Member #3: Our mission is done.

Member #4: Let's go back to the lot and see what Groovy Jones wants us to do next!

The Rainbow Gathering Members all ran out of the apartment after killing Tate Sharonson.

Pollan: Oh to fuck with this. I'm going back to Europe!

Scene 10:

One day had gone by. Stanley and Bullet were coming back to the farm from college.

Stanley: We learned a lot in Agriculture school, didn't we?

Bullet: I didn't but you sure did. I'm too busy looking at these selfies I took when I was in that Toga Party!

Stanley: Once we tell them what we learned to grow crops, they will.....

Bullet: My fucking gosh! What the fuck is happening to the farm?!

Stanley and Bullet see a shootout unfold before them. Robby and Delbert were shooting at Dusty's Childhood Farmhouse.

Bullet: It's a shoot out!

Stanley: Any idiot can see that! I was involved with one after I butt fucked Al Capone!

Robby: You fucked us out of $500 you sumbitches!

Delbert: Give us back that money or we'll fill you full a holes! Y'all be looking like swiss cheese!

Randall (shooting gun): Not a chance! You assholes!

Gina (shooting gun): We sold that meth for $300 and you gave us $500! So that money is ours fair and square you twat waffles!

Stanley: We're caught in the middle of it all.

Bullet: Come on, let's go see what's going on.

Dusty (shoots gun at Robby and Delbert): Dance you two! Dance!

Robby and Delbert try to jump away and dodge the bullets that were being shot at them. Kevin all the while was cowering in a corner.

Kevin: We've become......we've become...(sobs)....all this for tickets to the Ripley's Museum? Was this all worth it?

The shoot out wasn't going to let up. Gina decides to step in.

Kevin: Gina! Don't be a hero!

Gina: If anyone can save us from this gun fight, it's going to be me!

Dusty: Ohhh, I hope you know what you're doing.....

Randall: You're my best cop! Hope you don't get killed!

Ignoring the protests, Gina runs out and grabs Robby's and Delbert's guns and bends them into a sink pipe shape.

Robby: You destroyed my favorite gun you bitch!

Gina: That's not all that's going to be destroyed.

Delbert: Okay fine! We give up! You win! Keep your $500!

Gina: You think I'll let you get off that easy, I don't think so!

Before they knew it, Robby and Delbert were getting bended by Gina into a human pretzel. Then Gina kicks Robby and Delbert down the street were they were rolling non stop. Gina runs back inside.

Robby (rolling down the street): BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBBBBBLLLL!!!


Stanley: Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on here?

Bullet: What's with the shoot outs?

Dusty: Well, it's just that......we wanted to earn some money.....

Randall: We all got pissed off at Dusty that the crops we were growing didn't.

Kevin: Then we found a meth lab and made some meth and sold it to Robby and Delbert.

Gina: That's our story and we're sticking to it.

Stanley: You could've at least waited for us to come back from college before you did anything crazy.

Bullet: Meth in a farm? Damn I missed out on something really fun. Ahh, who cares! I got all sorts of laid and high at a Toga Party anyway.

Randall: Yeah we did. But so what? Who cares? Besides, we got enough money for the Ripley's Museum!

Gina: You should've seen the looks on Robby's and Delbert's faces when we ripped them off! (laughs)

Dusty: Well, I guess we can say goodbye to my Childhood Farm.

Randall: Exactly. Let's go back to Police Headquarters. I got an EBAY Auction to win!

Kevin: As excited I am go to the museum, we had to resort to the very thing we're trying to stop. Almost feels kind of tainted.

Randall: Quit your whining Kevin! Who's ready to see some oddities, legends, fucked up cultures and history!

Stanley: Or maybe if we're lucky you can all watch my sex tape I made with Robert Ripley.

Kevin, Gina, Dusty, Randall, and Bullet: STANLEY!

Stanley: All right! I was just joking! Gosh!

Scene 11:

The Rainbow Gathering were coming back to the grassy parking lot. Fitz and Brett DeMarco waited for their return.

Zeta: They're coming back!

Fitz: Dusty is as good as dead!

Members: Oh great Groovy Jones. We did what you told us. Now what would you like us to do.

Fitz: Kill the Paradise PD!

Brett DeMarco: But right after this musical dance.

Fitz gets out his guitar. Starts playing. Zeta joins the Rainbow Gathering members in a dance. Fitz begins to play "She's About A Mover" by The Sir Douglas Quartet. The Rainbow Gathering soon danced to the music.

Brett DeMarco (singing): Well she was-a walkin' down the street. Looking fine as she could be! Hey Hey!

Fitz (singing and playing guitar): Well, she was-a walkin' down the street. Looking fine as she could be! Hey Hey!

Brett DeMarco (singing): Well, you have love and conversation! Woah yeah! What I say!

Fitz (singing and playing guitar): Hey Hey! She's About a Mover!

Brett DeMarco (singing): She's About a Mover!

The dance soon came to an end when an Old Man was about to say something to the Rainbow Gathering.

Old Man: Our time here in Paradise is up. Come along Rainbow Gatherers! We're going to Brickleberry now!

Fitz and Brett DeMarco stopped playing music once they see The Rainbow Gathering members abandon them. Zeta comes back to Fitz.

Brett DeMarco: Where the fuck are you all headed off too!

Fitz: You're all supposed to kill the Paradise PD!

Member #1: It wasn't that Dusty guy we killed.

Member #2: It was really a pregnant woman and her husband who lived in that place now.

Member #3: There's one thing you didn't know about us Rainbow Gathering people...

Member #4: We move from place to place. You were a fun boss to have Groovy Jones. Now time for us to be moving on!

Fitz: But....but.....but.....

Brett DeMarco: Oh hell.

Zeta: Don't worry. We can always find some other schmucks who'll listen to us.

Fitz: Yeah, you're right. I only did this because I was bored without my Legion of DOOOOOM.

Brett DeMarco: They won't be back from Florida for another week so....

Zeta (looks on her iphone): I found something dudes!

Fitz: You're right, Brett. I don't want to go back to the Dippin Dots Building all alone with boredom.

Zeta: There's a Burning Man Festival. However, it's in Nevada.

Brett DeMarco: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Fitz: Great minds think alike! Fire up the jet, Brett and Zeta. We're going to Burning Man!

Zeta: Awesome! We'll do the same thing to them like we did to those hippies!

Brett DeMarco: I got a 100 refill supply of my mind altering drugs.

Fitz: We had so much fun brainwashing people. We're going to do it some more. Then we'll bring the people from Burning Man over here to Paradise Georgia then they'll maim and butcher the Paradise PD! (evilly laughs)

Scene 12 Conclusion:

A plane lands in the LAX International Airport. A Taxi rides up to the curb and picks up the Paradise PD. Soon afterwards they were all looking around the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum in LA.

Randall: Isn't this awesome or what!

Kevin: You know what Dad? It is. Although we did something illegal and against the law to get here.

Gina: Oooh, Dusty! Check out that Mummy!

Dusty: Look at that picture of a dude eating a mouse sandwich!

Bullet: Check this out. Some old lady is babying a turtle!

Kevin: All the history and intrigue!

Stanley: The strange! The Bizarre!

Randall: Skulls!

Gina: Don't forget the brains!

Kevin: Insects!

Bullet: Let's all take in the sights!

After their week in LA was done. Bullet took a picture of Randall, Kevin, Gina, Dusty, Stanley, then Bullet joins them. The picture was framed at the Paradise PD Headquarters office. Then the ghost of Jack Palance soon appears.

Jack Palance: And so that concludes our story of how one Police Force in a white trash backwater town came to our great museum! And what of Gerald Fitzgerald the Kingpin? Did he and his adopted daughter and his right hand pharmaceuticals man ever go to Burning Man? Join us here next week my friends for another exciting episode of Ripley's.....Believe it.....OR NOT!
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