Story: Make Room For Pie
by: Zoey Webber
After the fitness session. Dusty and Gina were both summoned to come into Randall's Office.
RANDALL: DUSTY! GINA! GET YOU ASSES OVER HERE! COME INTO MY OFFICE AT ONCE!
DUSTY: Oh no! Randall sounds mad.
GINA: Isn't he always? You should be used to it by now.
Dusty and Gina walk into Randall's office. He was upset with both of them. Dusty for being too overweight to pass all the required fitness tests. Gina for masterbating in her 'masterbation hut.'
DUSTY: Hey, Randall. We're here. What do you want?
RANDALL: Dusty, you first. I'm here to talk to you about your weight problem. You don't have the physical requirements to pass all the fitness tests. As for you, Gina. I saw you go into that so-called masterbation hut of yours when Dusty was trying to do those excerises.
GINA: So what? I can't help it if I get aroused around fat people!
RANDALL: I have no choice but to suspend both of you!
DUSTY: Oh no! Please reconsider!
GINA: I'm your best cop on the force. What are you going to do without me?
RANDALL: Doesn't matter. You two both need to fix yourselves.
DUSTY: Fix ourselves? But how?
RANDALL: Dusty if you want to keep working for the Paradise PD, you're going to join Weight Watchers. Gina! I suggest you try to overcome your masterbation habit!
GINA outraged: Habit? I only masterbated once and suddenly I'm an addict?
BULLET: I can relate to that.
RANDALL: Shut up Bullet! You two have a week to get your acts together. Now get the fuck out of my sight!
DUSTY: Well, let's go. Gina.
GINA: What am I going to do for a week? I get pretty bored when I'm not out busting criminals.
Dusty goes to join Weight Watchers. Gina decides to head home for a while. Until such a time where she can come up with a plan to have her week suspension go by faster.
In Gina's house. She was pacing back and forth. Grumbling to herself. She was mad as shit about Randall. Gina was now trying to find a way to get revenge on her boss. Kevin stopped by Gina's house and knocks the door. Gina goes to answer it.
KEVIN: Hey, Gina! Just checking up on you to see how you're handling your suspension.
GINA scoffs: You're not the only one. Even Dusty got kicked off.
KEVIN: I heard. Dad keeps bragging about that. Anything I can do?
GINA: Yeah, want to help me get revenge on your Dad?
KEVIN: You really want to get back at my Dad? I'm sure he means well and...
GINA: You don't get it. Do you? I have been fucking bored out of my mind since yesterday. I might as well be in a Saturday detention like those twat waffles from The Breakfast Club.
KEVIN: You know, this time of year my Mom enters a pie contest.
GINA: Really? Is it a pie eating?
KEVIN: No. Pie Making. So I was thinking maybe you can enter this contest. Beat my mom who wins every year. Then you can embarrass her in front of the public by making the best pie ever and she'll become the worst pie maker ever and that can embarrass my Dad!
GINA: Awesome idea, Kevin! I'll take that into consideration! Then I'll get back at Randall for accusing me of being a masterbation addict! I only played with myself once and only once.
KEVIN: There you go, Gina! That's the spirit! I believe that you only masterbated once. If you want the truth, I've always wished someone would do something mean and cruel to my parents.
GINA: Okay! So it's settled. Pie Making Contest it is.
KEVIN: I'll get you everything you need for it.
GINA: Oh Randall. Your wife is about to go down in history as the worst pie maker ever!
Kevin goes to get some pie ingredients for Gina.
Once Gina recieved the ingredients for pie from Kevin. He even gives her a disguise to wear.
KEVIN: You might want to wear this. You know. So no one can tell it's you.
GINA: Good idea, Kevin. Thanks for your help. I got a pie contest to win!
Trying on the disguise which looked like a dress that a 1950's housewife would wear. Gina likes it.
GINA: Get a load of me! I look like a Stepford Wife! laughs
Proceeding to make the pies. Gina makes a cherry pie and a key lime pie. When Gina was wearing the dress. Cherry Pie By Warrant plays as a montage. As soon as Gina took the pies out from the oven. She sat them on the window sill to cool down. Then Gina gets a plan.
GINA: While my pies are cooling down. Now is my chance to sabotage Karen's pies! I know just how to do that!
Bullet was at a street corner trying to look for some drugs. Gina spots him.
GINA: Hey, Bullet! I need your help with something.
BULLET sees Gina's outfit: Man, Randall kicking you off the force for a week sure has done a number on you!
GINA: Very funny, twat waffle. Now listen. Do you have any turds I can use from you?
BULLET: Do you one better. How about some of this heroin I got?
GINA: OKay. I'll take it. Going to need some shit as well.
Bullet gives Gina some heroin and a bag of his feces he always carries with him.
GINA: Thank you.
BULLET: I forgot to ask. What is it for?
GINA: Nothing! Just forget you gave this stuff to me? All right.
BULLET: By the way. Did you hear what Dusty did to a Weight Watchers Group?
GINA: No I haven't. Since I've been off the force I'm forbidden keep track of stuff like that.
BULLET: Sure whatever.
That night, Karen was in her house making the pies for the contest. Randall was about to go to work.
RANDALL: Oh Karen. Your pies are so fucking awesome. You're sure to win this year's pie contest too!
KAREN: I'm always the returning champion. Guess you can say I'm the Ken Jennings of Pie Contests.
Gina spies on them as she watches Karen shows Randall all of her trophies.
RANDALL: You would not believe what happened at the police station yesterday.
KAREN: What happened?
As Gina arrives at Randall's and Karen's house. She listens in on their conversation. Randall tells how we suspended Gina and Dusty from the force.
RANDALL: I told Dusty if he wants to come back to lose weight.....
KAREN: That's fat shaming....
Gina grows madder by the minute as she continues to listen to the conversation.
RANDALL: Then I kicked out Gina for a week because she's a masterbation addict.
Randall and Karen then have a knock out drag out fight. Which had Randall leave in tears.
KAREN: Come back when you get some humanity!
RANDALL: I won't! I'm joining Dusty's Body Positivity Fat Club! sobbing
Dusty had started a Fat Club that focuses on Body Positivity. Karen goes to bed for the day.
GINA: Great! Now's my chance!
Sneaking inside the Crawford family kitchen. Gina finds the pies.
Using the heroin she got from Bullet, Gina injects it into the pies with a syringe. Then Gina puts the dog turds into Karen's pies. Gina runs out of the Crawford house. Careful not to be noticed.
GINA: By tommorow. Both the reputations of Karen and her Randall will be destroyed! That'll put Randall in his place for thinking I'm an masterbation addict!
The following day. The Yearly Annual Paradise Pie Contest was underway. Karen drives up to the fairgrounds where the contest was being held. The judges see her as she walks by. The judges were famous overweight celebrities and a politician.
PATTON OSWALT: Hey, Karen!
JOHN GOODMAN: Hows our favorite pie maker doing?
KAREN: I have a pie that's going to blow your mind!
CHRIS CHRISTIE: I bet! You'll win this one for sure!
KAREN: Just like I always do.
JOHN GOODMAN: If your pie wins. I'm going to vote you for Mayor for another four years!
KAREN: I'd love that! You do know my Mom is hosting this year.
Gina drives to the fairgrounds and enters her cherry pie and key lime pie. Still sporting her 1950's housewife dress. This time around, she had on a scarf over her head and some sunglasses. Agatha Culpepper, Karen's mother was the host of the pie contest.
AGATHA: Hello there. Are you a new entry?
GINA: Yes I am!
AGATHA: What's your name?
GINA: My name is Sasha Fierce!
AGATHA: Unusual name! I like it! Welcome aboard Sasha Fierce! Take your pies to the judges.
GINA: No problem.
AGATHA: Just to tell you. You don't stand a chance against my daughter! The best pie maker in all of Paradise.
GINA: Really? That's what you think.
All of the women who entered the pie contest gave their pies to the judges to taste test them. One by one.
PATTON OSWALT: Delectable!
JOHN GOODMAN: Sensational!
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Paula Deen ain't got nothing on you!
The Pie Contest continued on as so. Now it was Gina's turn.
PATTON OSWALT: What kind of pies are these Mrs....
GINA: Sasha Firece. One is cherry and one is lime.
The judges ate both Gina's cherry pie and key lime.
PATTON OSWALT: I LOVE IT!
JOHN GOODMAN: Best one ever!
CHRIS CHRISTIE: This deserves a blue ribbon!
PATTON OSWALT: Now it's time to try Karen's pies! Pull it on over here Karen.
Gina gets an evil grin on her face as she watches the Karen give her pies to the judges.
KAREN: I really outdid myself with this!
AGATHA: She gets her pie making abilities from her old lady!
The judges ate Karen's pie. Only to spit it out.
PATTON OSWALT: What the actual fuck!
The contestants gasp in shock.
JOHN GOODMAN: What did you put in here? Drugs?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: More like dog shit to me!
KAREN: What's wrong with my pies? My winning this contest was a sure bet!
JOHN GOODMAN: Not this time!
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Hey, aren't you married to police chief Randall Crawford?
KAREN: What does that have to do with anything?
PATTON OSWALT: Consider your rep in this town ruined! Because you'll now be forever known as the mayor who puts shit in her cooking and your husband will forever be known as a shit eater!
The Judges also felt a little sick from the heroin. They all began to vomit.
KAREN sobs: OH NO!
AGATHA: Don't worry sweetie. Seems to me like someone tried to set you up.
KAREN: But I never put drugs and shit in pies!
AGATHA: We know that dear.
The judges makes their decision on who's the winner. Robby and Delbert take Karen's pies.
KAREN: What are you doing with my pies you hillbilly assholes?!
ROBBY: We always wanted to try turd pie!
DELBERT: If there's a hint of heroin in it! Why not, right?
Karen collapses into the ground and cries as Agatha tries to console her. The Judges reach their decision. Robby and Delbert depart with the pies.
PATTON OSWALT: And today's winner of the Paradise Pie Contest is......
JOHN GOODMAN: SASHA FIRECE!
The contestants and the spectators all cheer for Gina as she won the contest.
GINA: Thank you thank you!
Taking a bow, Chris Christie gives Gina a trophy and a blue ribbon.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: This is one fine day in the history of Paradise. We got ourselves a new pie making champion!
SPECTATORS chanting SASHA FIRECE! SASHA FIRECE!
Gina begins to get aroused by Chris Christie. Karen sees that look Gina gets when she gets aroused.
KAREN: That Sasha Firece lady looks awfully familiar!
JOHN GOODMAN: Let it be known. From now on, Karen Crawford and her husband Randall is the SHIT!
PATTON OSWALT: That's right! Karen cooks shit and Randall eats it! Join in everyone!
JOHN GOODMAN: KAREN AND RANDALL ARE THE SHIT!
SPECTATORS: KAREN AND RANDALL ARE THE SHIT!
Gina soon joins in on the chanting against Karen. A gust of wind blew away Gina's sunglasses and scarf around her head. The chanting soon stopped. Karen and Agatha yell.
AGATHA: What did you do to my daughter?!?!?!?!
Karen marches up to Gina. As does Agatha.
AGATHA: Ha! I knew my daughter Karen would not put drugs and turds in her pie. points to Gina: YYYOOOOUUUUU DDDDDIIIIIDDDDDD IIIIIIIITTTTTT!
GINA: Yeah I did! What are you going to do about it?
KAREN: Nothing but get to the truth. But why, Gina? What did I ever do to you?
GINA: I wanted to get back at your husband by beating you and wreck havoc on your pies. There! I said it.
AGATHA: Well she admitted her wrongdoing. What do you have to say to that judges?
JOHN GOODMAN: Gina and Karen are both disqualified!
PATTON OSWALT: I agree! They're banned for life!
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Don't ever come back to our pie contests again. In fact we got a new winner!
As Gina was stripped from her trophy and blue ribbon. John Goodman gives it to Anton.
ANTON: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You love me! You really love me.
Gina and Karen make their leave.
KAREN: Thanks to you, I'll never be able to enter my pies in the contest again.
GINA: Thanks to your husband, I'm off the force for a week!
KAREN: You have no idea how much this pie contest means to me!
GINA: You have no idea how much busting criminals means to me! Suck on that twat waffle!
Karen and Gina were about to get into an argument. Kevin, Bullet, and his girlfriend Amy come running to the fairgrounds.
BULLET: STOP! STOP! STOP!
KEVIN: We need to tell you something.
Karen and Gina put aside their differences.
GINA: What's going on, Kevin?
KEVIN: It's Dusty!
AMY: Remember when he started that Body Positivity Group?
KAREN: Heard something about that. Randall said he was going to join.
BULLET: It's become a standoff. Dusty and Randall are both inside! And they refuse to come out.
KEVIN: Everyone inside become super fat. Even that Thester guy is in there. They won't come out until they get respect and never get fat shamed again.
Amy gets an idea.
KEVIN: Can always tell when you get an idea, Amy.
AMY: You both made pies right?
GINA: That we did.
AMY: Why don't you use all these pies from the contest to lure Dusty's fat cult to come out!
KAREN: That's right.
GINA: But I'm off the force, Randall will fire me for sure if I don't follow through with my suspension.
KEVIN: Fuck all that!
AMY: Maybe once he sees how Karen and Gina lured out everyone. He'll give Gina her job back for sure.
BULLET: So, we all in?
GINA: All in!
Karen goes to gather the pies. Puts the pies in her car. Kevin and Amy have Gina and Karen follow them as they drive to The Body Positivity Group.
Kevin, Amy, Karen Gina, and Bullet were all outside the building where Dusty had his Body Positivity Group. Karen had all the pies from the contest ready.
KAREN: Hey, where's Fitz? He ought to be here.
BULLET: Oh Fitz. He's in hiding because those mutants are after him.
KEVIN: So it's just Stanley, me and Bullet who are left.
GINA: All the more reason me and Dusty need our jobs back!
Bullet gets a megaphone. Amy has a Civil War cannon. Albeit a small one.
AMY: If we can get them out of that building, we can throw the pies at them with this cannon.
KEVIN: Wow! Amy! That is a very super awesome concept you have!
GINA: Come on! Let's put the pies in the cannon.
Loading all the pies from the Pie Contest into the cannon. Bullet uses the Megaphone. Inside the Body Positivity Group, Dusty, Randall, Thester and everyone else was singing "Let My Pizza Dough."
BULLET: ATTENTION! ATTENTION! Whoever wants pies and to become more fatter. Report outside the building at once!
Their singing stopped. Dusty, Randall, Thester, and all the other members all ran out. Amy lights up the cannon. Kevin gives out the order.
DUSTY: Hey! Where is that pie we were promised!
RANDALL: I'll bet Kevin hid it on us so we could be forced to come out.
Gina and Amy fired the cannon. All the pies that were loaded were shot into the air and landed all over the Body Positivity Group. Thester and everyone else ran away crying except for Dusty and Randall. Karen and Kevin ran up to Randall. Amy, Kevin, Bullet, and Gina ran up to Dusty.
DUSTY: Oh no! My Club! It's all gone! But why?
GINA: Because Dusty, you were holding everyone in your stupid ass club hostage with this Fat Acceptance Shit! Not only that, there were only two people on the Paradise PD left on the force.
RANDALL: Dammit Gina! I thought I suspended you.
KEVIN: Please Dad. For once in your life. Be decent. Give Dusty and Gina their jobs back.
BULLET: Yeah, so we can go back to being the Paradise PD. A team.
AMY: Please Randall? You need to get back on the force and you need to get all your cops back.
RANDALL: All right. I'm sorry I threw Dusty off the force for being so fat. I apologize to you Gina for thinking you had a masterbation habit.
GINA: I only did it once.
RANDALL: Yeah I know. Just want a clean cut police force who don't have obesity or sexual addictions. Guess I was really worried for myself and what kind of police force I was running. Dusty and Gina. Welcome back to the Paradise PD!
KEVIN: All right Dad!
Karen, Gina, Bullet, Dusty, Amy, and Gina all cheer.
KEVIN: By the way, Dad. I was the one who gave the order to fire that cannon.
RANDALL: Aww, shit.....
The day after, Dusty and Gina reported back to work. Stanley was sleeping on the job. Randall was giving orders to the Paradise PD to track down crime. Everything at the PD was finally back to normal. Even Fitz was back. But he was feeling down.
DUSTY: What's wrong, Fitz. Still worried about those mutants?
FITZ: No not really. They probably got after Thester. What did happen to Thester anyway?
The scene cuts to a secret room. Agent Clappers is there. Beside him was a computer screen that he turned off. Agent Clappers was talking to someone.
AGT. CLAPPERS: Good thing I learned how to clone.
Walking up to the unknown person he was taunting, Agent Clappers teases him some more.
AGT. CLAPPERS: Did you see that little asshole? Did you see that? They all think you've gotten really fat. The harsh truth is. You're here with me! What they didn't know is, that you are hidden away. And! You are going to be my ticket to getting back at Fitz! Once I get Fitz I am going to kill you both! Enjoy your last moments alive if you can! What do you have to say about that!.......THESTER CARBOMB!
THESTER tied to a chair: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Fitz is going to kick you ass!
AGT. CLAPPERS: Don't bet on it! This will mark the end of you both! laughs evilly
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