Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Walker Texas Sniper: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Blimps
0 reviewsA Way Better Plot For The Blimp City Episode. Need I Say More?
0Unrated
The characters Amy, Evans, Shawn, and Nigel are OCs created by my friend from Reddit Pinfabulous. He asked me to use his OCs in this story. Hats off to you Pinfabulous for being much an awesome friend to me.
Warning: Clinton bashing. If you like Clinton then don't read this. You've been warned!
Let's Get This Story Started!
Story: Walker Texas Sniper: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Blimps
by: Zoey Webber
It was just another average day in the town of Paradise. In a vacation rental, there resided Joe Biden. As he was looking at cameras he put up in Dusty's apartment watching his every move. Joe was watching Dusty on a bunch of tv screens.
JOE BIDEN: Oh fuck yeah! This is getting so good.
A knock was heard at the door. Joe goes to answer it. At the door it was former President Bill Clinton.
JOE BIDEN: Clinton? What are you doing here?
BILL CLINTON: Hey, Joe! Just thought I'd pay you a visit.
JOE BIDEN: Why, I'm very flattered.
BILL CLINTON: You're a fellow Democrat. So I consider you a friend.
JOE BIDEN: My yes! Very lovely.
Bill Clinton looks around in Joe's vacation rental place and sees some tv screens that are viewing Dusty's house.
JOE BIDEN: So what made you decide to visit Paradise?
BILL CLINTON looks at televisions: Watcha watching there? Netflix? Hulu?
Joe Biden scrambles to cover up the televisions he had obtained to watch the cameras to stalk Dusty.
BILL CLINTON sees Dusty in the tvs: Ahhh, I get it! Trying to get some are we?
JOE BIDEN: JUST NEVER MIND WHAT YOU SAW!
BILL CLINTON: Chill man! Relax! I won't tell anyone. Hell, I heard Obama stalked a fat lesbian girl in Brickleberry.
JOE BIDEN: You still haven't told me why you're here.
BILL CLINTON: Thing is. I wanna be President again. That's the whole reason why Hillary ran in 2016.
JOE BIDEN: You know the rules, Bill. No President can have a third term.
BILL CLINTON: Yeah I get it. That fucking sucks! I just really miss being in charge and running a country.
JOE BIDEN: You know. My time here is almost up.
BILL CLINTON: You mean in the White House? Does that mean when you resign I can have dibs on America again?
JOE BIDEN: No dumbass! That's not what I meant. If you miss ruling over a place so much. Why not rule this city, instead?
BILL CLINTON: I think you're onto something there, Joe!
Joe Biden packs his stuff and leaves.
BILL CLINTON: I promise to take good care of Paradise here.
JOE BIDEN: Whatever you do, stay away from those televisions! That's my business!
BILL CLINTON: You have my word.
Joe Biden drives his car and rides off. Bill Clinton out of curiousity takes a peek at the televisions and sees Dusty taking a shower.
BILL CLINTON: AAAAHHH! SON OF A BITCH! Joe Biden is stalking a fat man? vomits
Deciding not to intrude on Joe Biden's stalking of Dusty. Bill Clinton goes on a computer and find out who's in charge of Paradise. He immediately sees it's Karen Crawford.
BILL CLINTON: When I get her out of the way. Paradise will be mine! evilly laughs
Later on. Bill Clinton snuck into the Mayor's Office to put cameras all over. Once Karen was at the Mayor's office. Karen Crawford was at her desk doing her usual thing. Randall walks in.
RANDALL: OKay Karen. I'm here what you do want?
KAREN: I went over this report. You won't believe the these reviews I saw on Yelp.
Going over the Yelp reviews, Randall gets angry.
RANDALL: What the actual fucking hell!
KAREN: I know! According to Yelp. The town of Paradise has the worst police force in America!
RANDALL: How can we redeem ourselves?
KAREN: That's for you to figure out. These citizens won't feel safe with the way you're running that Police Department!
RANDALL: Oh if I don't do something soon. The public will think we're like those cops in The Dark Knight Rises!
KAREN: Not only that, on Yelp I was voted the worst Mayor in the state.
RANDALL: We have to work together to think of something to make this town better.
KAREN: We have to! Or else this town is going into an eternal recession and possibly get replaced with a nature preserve!
As Randall and Karen were talking about ways to improve the town and the police force. Bill Clinton used Joe Biden's televisions to listen in.
BILL CLINTON: As my buddy Joe always says, "Oh fuck yeah!"
Putting his plan into action. Bill Clinton takes out his suitcase. As he unpacks his suitcase. He takes out condoms, blow up dolls, until he finds the thing he wants to use.
BILL CLINTON: A-ha! Blimps! That's what I'll use while I'm in this town! Blimps!
His plan was to use the Blimps to make Karen disappear so he could become mayor and reign over a city to feel like he's President again.
At the Paradise PD Headquarters. Everyone sans Fitz was at the meeting room.
STANLEY: Where's that Fitz fella? Not that I give a shit.
GINA: He's still hiding from those mutants who want to kill him.
DUSTY: He knows when he's not wanted. If I know him, he's probably somewhere being Beans Stinkwater!
BULLET: You're blackmailing him again, aren't you?
DUSTY: If you bring that up, I'll make you be Bunny Dog again!
BULLET: OKay, I won't speak of it no more.
KEVIN: It's good to have the whole gang back together again. Especially after that whole Fat Cult fiasco.
DUSTY: I said I was sorry.
GINA: Don't forget Karen's pies.
RANDALL enters room: All right fuckasses listen up! According to Yelp. Our Police Department is the worst one ever. Like I said. According to a website called Yelp.
KEVIN: Don't believe those Yelp reviews, Dad. It's all a bunch of bull.
RANDALL: I'm talking here, Kevin. So we need to come up with a plan to redeem ourselves.
GINA: We're always voted the worst. What else is fucking new?
RANDALL: We need to think of something big! And I mean Big!
DUSTY: I know! Let's get a Zoltar machine and wish for us to be a better police force!
RANDALL: I don't mean that type of Big with Tom Hanks you asshole! So any ideas? Any...any...
STANLEY: Turn our town into a bursleque place?
As Randall was ranting and yelling at Dusty, Bullet, Kevin, Gina, and Stanley to make the police force better. Bill Clinton was outside the vacation rental with his Blimps ready for action.
BILL CLINTON: OKay, Blimps! Go get that Mayor!
The Blimps Bill Clinton dispatched were flying into the air.
BILL CLINTON: That's it! Go my pretties! Go! Go! GO!!!
One of the Blimps was headed right for Karen's mayor office. Karen soon sees a shadow go over her.
KAREN: Is there a storm coming?
Running out of the office. Karen sees nothing but sunny skies.
KAREN: Hmm, that was weird.
The Blimp was behind Karen and bumped into her.
KAREN: Anton, is this another one of your practical jokes?
The Blimp bumped into Karen again.
KAREN: Randall! Kevin! Is that's either of you guys, I'll..
Looking behind her, she sees the Blimp and screams as the Blimp sucks her inside.
KAREN *gets sucked inside the Blimp: YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Another one of the Blimps was headed toward Paradise Police Headquarters. Kevin tries to warn Randall.
KEVIN: Uhhh, Dad. There's something coming....
RANDALL: God dammit Kevin. Stop trying to get my attention.
KEVIN: DAD! It's true! There really is something...
RANDALL: For the last time I....
GINA: He's right, Randall. Listen to warnings for once in your life you Twat Waffle.
RANDALL looks at the Blimp: BBBBBBBBWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
The Blimp crashes into Police Headquarters.
DUSTY: Now do you believe Kevin, Randall?
RANDALL: I do now! Where the fuck are all these Blimps coming from!
BULLET: This reminds me of that Thanksgiving Day Parade scene in the movie Tower Heist.
STANLEY: Blimps, hey? That reminds me of when I fucked Joe Namath on the Goodyear Blimp back in 1967!
Folding out before them. An army of Blimps were invading the city. Some even swallowed up Robby and Delbert.
GINA: Well, guess this is our chance to prove Yelp wrong about us.
KEVIN looks all around: Where's Mom? Why isn't she doing anything about this?
The blimp was swallowed up Karen floats by them. No one notices.
KAREN trapped inside Blimp: I'm in here you dumbass bastards!
RANDALL: Hmm, you're right Kevin. Unless somebody overthrew her and made themselves mayor.
DUSTY: How are we going to stop these blimps?
BULLET: You guys have guns! USE THEM!
GINA: Right! Twat Waffles get your guns!
DUSTY: Thought that was Annie Get Your Gun!
Bullet, Stanley, Dusty, Randall, Kevin, and Gina all try to shoot down the blimps. However, the blimps were bulletproof.
STANLEY: This is like shooting fish in a barrell.
KEVIN: Holy shit! These blimps are powerful!
GINA: Who the fuck is responsible for these shitty blimps!
A TV at an Electronics Store turned on. Bill Clinton appeared.
BILL CLINTON: I AM!
BULLET: Bill Clinton? That President who fucked an intern?
BILL CLINTON: Right you are, mother fuckers!
DUSTY: How could he hear us?
RANDALL: It's a cartoon! Need I say fucking more?
BILL CLINTON: That's correct! I took over this town with my blimps. There's nothing anybody can do about it!
Townspeople in Paradise soon surrounded the PD.
CHASSIDY: Why didn't you guys get those blimps with your guns?
PREACHER PAUL: You all really are the worst Police Force in America! You guys not getting these blimps proves it.
FRANK FLIPPERFIST: Yelp was right about you!
BILL CLINTON: With me around, I can do whatever I want in this city. So residents of Paradise. Get these cops the fuck out of my town!
The Paradise PD soon found themselves running away from an angry mob. Randall, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, Kevin, and Stanley all crammed themselves into one police car. Randall drives off.
KEVIN: Oh no! Without the police! Who's going to stop Clinton. Hey I know!
RANDALL: Don't try to be a hero, Kevin.
Kevin gets on his cellphone and calls his friends. This girlfriend Amy. Evans, Nigel, and Shawn. While Kevin was on the phone with his friends. Dusty asks where they are going.
DUSTY: We going back to Brickleberry?
RANDALL: NO! Someplace better. Where nobody knows us!
BULLET: I say we go to that one town from that show Under The Dome.
GINA: You still remember that show?
STANLEY: If you think this is bad. You should've been in New York City during 1929!
KEVIN on phone: Thanks guys! Bye.
STANLEY: Who were you on the phone with?
KEVIN: My girlfriend Amy. She, Shawn, Nigel, Evans, agreed to look after the police department until such a time when we come back. I told them everything.
RANDALL: Well, you probably just sent them to their graves. If Clinton kills them their blood is on you, Kevin.
DUSTY: You still haven't told us where we're going!
RANDALL: FINE! If it will shut you the fuck up! We're going to Texas!
BULLET: TEXAS! Why there? Why not someplace else? There's anti-drug laws there!
RANDALL: You can survive without your drugs for a while. Now shut up!
GINA: Texas, hey? Maybe I'll ride Dusty in one of those rodeos!
While Randall is driving Kevin, Gina, Bullet, Stanley, and Dusty to Texas. Nigel was now in charge of the Paradise PD.
NIGEL: Our town is being overrun by a crazed ex-President.
SHAWN: Kevin told us he took over Paradise with blimps.
AMY: Half of Paradise is already destroyed.
EVANS: If we want to redeem the Paradise PD. We'll have to take out Clinton and these blimps ourselves.
NIGEL: I know. We need something to build on. But what....
In the Mayor's Office. Bill Clinton was sitting back and enjoying the damage he was causing in the town. One of his blimps that sucked up Robbie and Delbert came to him. Robbie and Delbert soon found themselves sucked out of the blimps.
BILL CLINTON: Thank you, my precious!
ROBBIE: Where the fuck are we!
DELBERT: Sure ain't no snake orgy that's fer sure!
Robbie sees Bill Clinton sitting on the Mayor Desk.
BILL CLINTON: You're probably wondering why I brought you here.
ROBBIE: Hey, I know you! Bill Clinton. The most horniest President alive.
DELBERT: You made a guest apperance on Who Ate Wally's Waffles. That show I was in.
BILL CLINTON: Why aren't you guys smart for a pair of dumb hicks!
ROBBIE: What do you want with us?
BILL CLINTON: You're both going to help me become President again!
DELBERT: NO! NEVER! You were a Democrat! We only like Republicans.
ROBBIE: There's no mother fucking way we are helping a Democrat!
BILL CLINTON: Oh yes you will! presses a remote
Robbie and Delbert felt something shoot at their crotches. Soon they were strapped to the wall. Then some wires came out of their crotches and tied them both up.
BILL CLINTON: I just stuck you both to the wall with my invention. The Clit3po! When I destroy this town. These dumb shmucks in this stupid ass town are all going to vote for me. I shall make promises that I am going to rebuild this town and take away these blimps no matter how much I say I will get rid of the blimps! I WON'T! Then promise to give rights to women, children, and miniorities, and make people think if they vote for me. It'll be just like the 1960's again! Vote for me! Yes! Why? To vote me back into the White House. Where I shall recieve eternal Presidency!
ROBBIE: Aww, shit! We're fucked Delbert. At this rate, we'll never go back to Twatamala.
DELBERT: Fucked fer sure. Why couldn't George W Bush try to take over Paradise instead?
An airplane was flying in the sky. The scene changed into a map. The plane was making it's way to Paradise to Dallas Texas. The Paradise PD were on that plane. When their flight landed. Randall, Kevin, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley all got off.
STANLEY: Ahhh! Dallas. Haven't been here since I raped Lee Harvey Oswald at that Schoolbook Building.
RANDALL: We'll lay low here for while.
KEVIN: My friends will come through for us.
DUSTY: That airline was so good.
GINA: All right we're here! Now what?
BULLET: Who cares about the food, Dusty? What about the alcohol they serve on plane! Yum-O!
Afterwards, The Paradise PD settled into a motel. Back in Paradise. Nigel, Amy, Shawn, and Evans were out on patrol. The residents of Paradise were in a panic over the blimps.
EVANS: Keep calm everyone. We will try to get to the bottom of these blimps.
AMY: Thing is, where are they coming from?
SHAWN: We'll need to track them down to their place of origin.
NIGEL: Maybe we can find the company who made the blimps.
LADY GERTURUDE: You better!
PATTY MAE: If you all don't. The Paradise PD will be banned from town forever!
Back in Dallas The Paradise PD decide to explore the place.
GINA sighs contentedly: Texas! I can get used to living in a place like this! Guns! Who knows how many criminals can I bust here?
BULLET: Glad you're happy. I miss my drugs.
KEVIN: What should we do when we're in Dallas?
DUSTY: Let's check out the places to eat!
RANDALL: How about we just go sight seeing?
STANLEY: Sounds good to me. I went sight seeing in Walt Disney's secret vault.
Exiting their hotel room. A person spots them. His name was Pat.
PAT: Excuse me! Excuse me! Are you guys cops?
KEVIN: Why yes we are. What do you need.
PAT: Good thing you're here. Our Dallas police force quit on us!
GINA scoffs: Cowards.
PAT: There's a sniper on the loose here in Dallas and nobody is doing anything about it!
RANDALL: You came to right people.
BULLET: Tell us more about this sniper.
PAT: He attacks events.
DUSTY: What type of events?
PAT: Like local contests and the whatnot.
KEVIN: Don't worry. We'll do all we can to take down this sniper and free your town from his wrath.
PAT: Thank you so much!
RANDALL: Wrath? You and your Dungeons and Dragons words.
GINA: We've only been here five minutes and we already have a case.
KEVIN: If we catch this sniper, this could be a good way for us to reform our reputation as small town cops.
RANDALL: Then Yelp will be eating crow about the Paradise PD!
DUSTY: Crows? Yummy!
BULLET: All we need to do is find out some local contest that is taking place.
Kevin finds a flyer taped to a street light.
GINA: What did you find Kevin?
KEVIN: A dancing contest.
RANDALL: Dancing contests? That's typical Texas bullshit.
DUSTY: Cool! Bet it's going to be like Pitch Perfect.
BULLET reads the flyer: This says the contest is tommorow!
RANDALL: I think what we should do is. One of us will enter this dancing contest.
GINA: I can enter.
KEVIN: Maybe I could....
RANDALL: No not you Kevin! You'll probably stomp all over me like what happened to Molly Shannon's parents in the movie SuperStar.
BULLET: I'll do it! Only if I could get my drugs....
STANLEY: How about we enter Dusty?
Bullet and Randall have their eyes on Dusty, who backs away.
DUSTY: No! Please! Not me! I can't dance worth a shit! Don't make me do this!
GINA: You're doing this! Take one for the team!
KEVIN: Awesome idea! Dusty would be excellent!
DUSTY: Why does it have to be me? Why not Stanley instead?
STANLEY: We'll teach you how to dance. Before you know it you'll be dancing with Shirley Temple with BoJangles!
Dusty cries and protests some more. Until Randall slaps him.
RANDALL: You owe us! You're doing this!
KEVIN: Think of it like this. We're entering you so you we can catch that sniper asshole.
DUSTY: Why me! Why me! Why me all the time!
RANDALL: GODDAMN IT DUSTY! Ever since this season started you have been one mean mother fucker!
KEVIN: I agree! It's like you totally flipped your lid!
RANDALL: Shut up, Kevin! I'll do the berating around here! Anyway, Dusty. You blackmailed Fitz, you made Bullet do a viral video, you started that fat cult that ended up getting your members killed. Including Thester. You impersonated Boss Hogg.....
STANLEY: He slapped me up when he did that.
KEVIN: Then you forced Fitz to host a pseudo Family Feud.
GINA: Come on. There's got to be a stage around here somewhere.
BULLET points: Look, it's an outdoor stage.
KEVIN: OKay! We got everything need.
GINA: We got one day to make Dusty dance.
RANDALL: And one day to make fucking mincemeat out of that sniper!
DUSTY: Okay. I'll dance. You win.
Back in Paradise. Evans was chasing one of the Blimps and took a picture of the Blimp Company that was written on the back.
EVANS: HA! Gotcha!
Running back to Police Headquarters. Amy, Shawn, and Nigel were waiting for him.
AMY: Did you get anything?
EVANS: Yes! Got the address and phone number to that Blimp Company.
SHAWN: Perfect! Let's call them.
Evans gives Shawn the phone number and address. Shawn calls the Blimp Company.
OPERATOR: BLIMPS INCORPORATED! How may I help you?
SHAWN: Uhh, yes. A mad man has invaded our small Illinois town with your blimps.
OPERATOR: OKay.
SHAWN: We were wondering if you have a record of anyone who recently ordered your Blimps.
OPERATOR: One moment please.....It appears we do have someone on our files.
SHAWN: Okay good. That's a start. What is the person's name.
OPERATOR: Someone who goes by the name Slick Willy.
SHAWN: Okay thanks. That's we all need to know. Bye. hangs up then turns to his friends. Does anyone know somebody named 'Slick Willy'.
AMY: Hmmm, Slick Willy....
NIGEL snaps fingers Bill Clinton!
AMY: Of course!
NIGEL: That's what Clinton used to call himself when he was President.
AMY: We have to go stop Bill Clinton.
SHAWN: Indeed we shall.
Amy, Shawn, Nigel, and Evans all set out to stop Bill Clinton from sending the Blimps to demolish Paradise. Bill Clinton was even outside, sitting on one of the blimps with Robbie and Delbert (who were still imprisoned in clit3po) pushing the blimps like horses on a stagecoach.
BILL CLINTON: MUSH! MUSH! MUSH! sings Cellophane! Mr. Cellophane! Shoulda been by name.
The residents were yelling at Bill Clinton.
PERSON: Why are you doing this?
BILL CLINTON: If you want me to get rid of these Blimps. You'll appoint me to be your mayor.
KAREN floats by in a blimp: NNNNNOOOO!!! I'm your mayor! MMMEEE!! MEEE!!!! MEEEEE!!!!
Amy, Shawn, Nigel, and Evans all run into the Mayor's Office with hopes that they will confront and take town Bill Clinton.
EVANS: Okay, Slick Willy! We're here to....
Once they all entered, no one was there.
SHAWN: Where could he have gone?
AMY: He's....he's not here.
NIGEL: We need to fucking find him! Or else the Paradise Police Department will never get good reviews again.
AMY: We're well aware.
SHAWN: We're doing this for the police. And importantly. Our friend Kevin.
AMY: We sure would hate to have Kevin lose his job as a policeman.
EVANS: I know right.
SHAWN: Police work is all he knows.
AMY: What about tracking down Clinton.
EVANS: Guess we'll have to go around town on foot to find him.
In Dallas, Randall, Gina, Bullet, Stanley all debate on what type of dance Dusty should do.
RANDALL: All right, assfucks. We all got until tomorrow to teach Dusty how to dance.
KEVIN: This is important. Our jobs are on the line.
GINA: The more bad reviews we get as police, the better chances of us losing our jobs.
BULLET: That's right. Even if we apply for police jobs someplace else they'll turn us away.
STANLEY: We can't let that happen. I refuse to retire!
KEVIN: Question is? What type of dances do fat people do?
DUSTY: I heard that!
GINA: Hmmm. Maybe the Electric Slide?
STANLEY: The Charleston?
KEVIN: Hip Hop or Breakdancing?
RANDALL: GOD DAMMIT! None of us know any cool and hip dancing trends.
BULLET: I know of one.
GINA: Tell us!
BULLET: River Dancing!
RANDALL: You mean that shitty dance where nobody uses their arms?
BULLET: Yes! That would be perfect!
DUSTY: I'm willing to do River Dance.
BULLET: See? Even Dusty agrees!
RANDALL: Fine! River Dance it is.
KEVIN sees a computer: All we need to do is find a River Dance video and Dusty could learn the moves.
RANDALL: I hate this idea so much.....I LOVE IT!
Kevin types into the computer, River Dance.
GINA: Pay attention Dusty.
DUSTY: I'm ready and willing.
Kevin has Dusty watch the River Dance video on the computer. Then Dusty begins to imitate the moves.
GINA: YEAH! GO DUSTY! WOO HOO!
KEVIN: He's got it!
BULLET: When we enter him in the dance contest, we'll make him dance to that Rolling Stones song, Paint it Black!
RANDALL: YES! YES! Dance Dusty Dance!
KEVIN: Dance like a Maniac! On the floor!
GINA: Dance like you've never danced before!
BULLET: Please no Flashdance references!
In Paradise. The blimps were out of control. Bill Clinton was giving a speech to the public. Evans, Amy, Nigel, and Shawn were trying to think of a way to stop him. Robbie and Delbert still imprisoned in the clit3po were doing sign language.
BILL CLINTON: If you want me to get rid of these blimps. Before I begin I just want to say that I did not have anything to do with unleashing this blimps that are detroying this great American town. Now anyway, if you want this these blimps gone you will appoint me as your mayor. If you make me your mayor, it's going to be just like the sixties again!
EVANS: Such denial.
SHAWN: He was a terrible President let alone a mayor.
AMY: Isn't he married to someone?
NIGEL: Yes! You're right. That feminist bitch known as Hilary!
EVANS: We'll get her on the phone and tell her what her husband is up to.
NIGEL grabs cellphone: Good plan!
BILL CLINTON: If you don't vote for me. These blimps will invade our town forever. Women will lose their rights. Children won't get vaccinated. Blacks will be made slaves again....
NIGEL: Hello, information. Get me Hilary Clinton please.
Momentarily, a helicopter was flying over the town. Then lands next to Clinton. Out comes Hilary.
HILARY CLINTON: BILL!!!!!
BILL CLINTON: HILARY! What are you doing here?
HILARY CLINTON: Somebody gave me an anonymous tip that you were trying to take over the town with these fucking blimps.
BILL CLINTON: But, Hilary! You don't understand. I just want to rule over a place again.
Karen gets out of one of the blimps she was enccased in.
HILARY CLINTON: So you can have another term in the White House eventually. I know you better than you know yourself!
KAREN: All right! I'm finally out of that fucking blimp! Now I can be mayor again! HOORAY!
BILL CLINTON: Sorry Hilary.
HILARY CLINTON: Look what you did with this town. Dismiss this blimps! NOW!
Bill Clinton gives into his wife's demands. Bill presses a button that deflates all the blimps that become neatly folded into place. Bill presses a remote and releases Robbie and Delbert from the clit3po.
ROBBIE: We're free! We're free!
DELBERT: Awesome! Let's go back to Twatamala!
HILARY CLINTON: Now come inside the helicopter. You're grounded for 3 years.
BILL CLINTON: Yes, Mommy, I mean Hilary.
Hilary has Bill follow her into the helicopter. Spanking is heard as Hilary yells at him while Bill cries. The helicopter takes off. Evans, Amy, Shawn, and Nigel all cheer.
EVANS: We did it!
AMY: That was so cool! Kevin will be proud.
PERSON: Hmm, maybe the Paradise PD isn't so bad after all.
AMY: That's right. We were temporary replacements. So be sure to give us some rave reviews!
SHAWN: Especially on YELP! It's not just for resturants anymore!
PERSON: We sure will!
SHAWN: We saved the day.
NIGEL: Maybe we can contact Kevin now and tell him to come back home.
In Dallas, the Dance Contest was going on. The Sniper was in the balcony. Nobody knew it yet. Dusty was going to take center stage.
ANNOUNCER: Up next. Dusty Marlowe. Who will be doing River Dance.
GINA: Oh boy! This is going to be awesome!
RANDALL: Just be on the lookout for the fucking sniper.
KEVIN: He should be around here someplace.
STANLEY: Knowing Dusty he'll probably cause an earthquake.
Dusty was about to dance. Bullet was behind him with a radio. As Bullet puts a CD inthe radio. Dusty begins to dance. The Rolling Stones song Paint It Black begins to play.
BULLET sniffs around: HA! He's there! The sniper you guys!
The sniper on the balcony begins to shot at Dusty as he dances.
DUSTY: OH NO! OH NO! I'm losing my footing! Somebody help me!
The audience begins to murmur.
KEVIN: Don't worry Dusty! We found the sniper.
DUSTY: Oh I guess I'm finally paying for being such a fucking asshole! I'm so sorry for all the things I've done this season. Beating up on Stanley was when I was Boss Hogg. sobs Making Fitz host Family Feud, sorry Bullet for forcing you to be Bunny Dog. Then that Body Positivity group......I promise I'll be better....
Kevin, Randall, and Gina all ran to the balcony to stop the sniper.
SNIPER: Who are you!
RANDALL: PARADISE PD! You're under arrest!
Gina tackles the sniper and pins him to the ground. Dusty was still dancing.
KEVIN: No Gina! Don't hurt the sniper.
GINA: Why not?
KEVIN: Let me do it!
RANDALL: Dammit Gina! Why did you have Kevin beat up the sniper?
Kevin beats up and pounds the sniper senselessly. When Kevin was beating up the sniper, he pictured Randall's face insulting Kevin on the sniper's face. Bullet runs up the the balcony.
BULLET: All right! Looks like we got his ass!
Gina slaps handcuffs on the sniper. Randall leads the sniper out of the building.
BULLET to the audience: We got the sniper!
The audience cheers. Dusty stops dancing.
DUSTY: YAY! I don't have to do this stupid River Dance anymore.
Kevin gets a call on his cellphone. Amy was on the other end.
AMY: Kevin! Good news! You guys can come back to Paradise now.
KEVIN: We can? What did you do with Clinton?
AMY: We called Hilary to tell her what he was up to. Did Clinton get his ass kicked or what?
KEVIN: That is awesome news. I miss you my love!
AMY: I miss you too. Hope you see you soon.
KEVIN: You will bye.
Randall comes up to the stage. Bullet does too.
BULLET: We are the Paradise PD from Paradise Illinois!
RANDALL: We were the ones who took down that sniper son of a bitch. So be sure to give us great reviews on Yelp!
The audience claps. Then chants PARADISE PD! PARADISE PD!
When the whole Clinton and Sniper fiasco was over two days later. The Paradise PD was back in Police Headquarters. Randall was going over the new reviews on Yelp.
KEVIN: What do the reviews say about us now, Dad?
RANDALL: We're....AVERAGE?!?!?!
GINA: So what? Better than nothing.
RANDALL: But we arrested a sniper in another state!
KEVIN: And my friends ended Bill Clinton's reign of terror.
Amy, Evans, Shawn, and Nigel enter.
NIGEL: Those aren't the real results.
SHAWN hands Randall a computer: These are!
Randall sees the computer and reads the reviews.
KEVIN: What does it say?
RANDALL: We're positive!
STANLEY: No forced retirement for me!
GINA: Kick ass!
DUSTY: I hope I didn't scare away Fitz. He wasn't been around throughout this whole episode.
AMY: When do you get off work, Kevin.
KEVIN: In an hour.
AMY: Would you like to hang out with us somewhere?
SHAWN: We'd love to have you.
EVANS: Cool! See you then.
KEVIN: Thanks guys. For everything.
EVANS: That's what friends are for.
Fitz was driving around town. The mutants who want him dead were in his path.
CLOVIS: Look! It's Gerald Fitzgerald. Let's run him off the road!
FITZ: I am not putting up with this shit anymore! And no more Beans Stinkwater!
The mutants were ran over by Fitz's car. Then the car stopped at a cemetary. Fitz goes out of his car and puts flowers on what he thinks is Thester's grave.
FITZ cries: Oh Thester. sobs I miss you very much. If only you had a better role this season instead of being used for a fat joke then dying of obesity.
The scene changes once more in Agent Clapper's secret hideaway. Agent Clappers was laughing as Thester was shouting at the computer. Tied to a chair.
THESTER: I'm not dead! I'm not dead! I'm right here! I'm right here!
AGT. CLAPPERS: The whole town thinks you've died. You're all forogtten about.
THESTER: Someone will figure it out.
AGT. CLAPPERS: Now they won't. That's really a clone of you that died. They will never know what happened to the real Thester.
THESTER: You're right. Looks like I really am dead this time.
AGT. CLAPPERS: Indeed you are. And you will remain that way.
Thester cries as Agent Clappers laughs.
AGT CLAPPERS: If you don't stop crying I'll have Pee-Wee Herman to piss in your mouth.
Dusty made a vow to never be a jerk again and atoned for all the cruel things he had done. Kevin goes out and has fun with his girlfriend and pals after he got off work. Will anyone in Paradise ever realize that Thester is still alive and is being held prisoner by Agent Clappers?
The End
Warning: Clinton bashing. If you like Clinton then don't read this. You've been warned!
Let's Get This Story Started!
Story: Walker Texas Sniper: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Blimps
by: Zoey Webber
It was just another average day in the town of Paradise. In a vacation rental, there resided Joe Biden. As he was looking at cameras he put up in Dusty's apartment watching his every move. Joe was watching Dusty on a bunch of tv screens.
JOE BIDEN: Oh fuck yeah! This is getting so good.
A knock was heard at the door. Joe goes to answer it. At the door it was former President Bill Clinton.
JOE BIDEN: Clinton? What are you doing here?
BILL CLINTON: Hey, Joe! Just thought I'd pay you a visit.
JOE BIDEN: Why, I'm very flattered.
BILL CLINTON: You're a fellow Democrat. So I consider you a friend.
JOE BIDEN: My yes! Very lovely.
Bill Clinton looks around in Joe's vacation rental place and sees some tv screens that are viewing Dusty's house.
JOE BIDEN: So what made you decide to visit Paradise?
BILL CLINTON looks at televisions: Watcha watching there? Netflix? Hulu?
Joe Biden scrambles to cover up the televisions he had obtained to watch the cameras to stalk Dusty.
BILL CLINTON sees Dusty in the tvs: Ahhh, I get it! Trying to get some are we?
JOE BIDEN: JUST NEVER MIND WHAT YOU SAW!
BILL CLINTON: Chill man! Relax! I won't tell anyone. Hell, I heard Obama stalked a fat lesbian girl in Brickleberry.
JOE BIDEN: You still haven't told me why you're here.
BILL CLINTON: Thing is. I wanna be President again. That's the whole reason why Hillary ran in 2016.
JOE BIDEN: You know the rules, Bill. No President can have a third term.
BILL CLINTON: Yeah I get it. That fucking sucks! I just really miss being in charge and running a country.
JOE BIDEN: You know. My time here is almost up.
BILL CLINTON: You mean in the White House? Does that mean when you resign I can have dibs on America again?
JOE BIDEN: No dumbass! That's not what I meant. If you miss ruling over a place so much. Why not rule this city, instead?
BILL CLINTON: I think you're onto something there, Joe!
Joe Biden packs his stuff and leaves.
BILL CLINTON: I promise to take good care of Paradise here.
JOE BIDEN: Whatever you do, stay away from those televisions! That's my business!
BILL CLINTON: You have my word.
Joe Biden drives his car and rides off. Bill Clinton out of curiousity takes a peek at the televisions and sees Dusty taking a shower.
BILL CLINTON: AAAAHHH! SON OF A BITCH! Joe Biden is stalking a fat man? vomits
Deciding not to intrude on Joe Biden's stalking of Dusty. Bill Clinton goes on a computer and find out who's in charge of Paradise. He immediately sees it's Karen Crawford.
BILL CLINTON: When I get her out of the way. Paradise will be mine! evilly laughs
Later on. Bill Clinton snuck into the Mayor's Office to put cameras all over. Once Karen was at the Mayor's office. Karen Crawford was at her desk doing her usual thing. Randall walks in.
RANDALL: OKay Karen. I'm here what you do want?
KAREN: I went over this report. You won't believe the these reviews I saw on Yelp.
Going over the Yelp reviews, Randall gets angry.
RANDALL: What the actual fucking hell!
KAREN: I know! According to Yelp. The town of Paradise has the worst police force in America!
RANDALL: How can we redeem ourselves?
KAREN: That's for you to figure out. These citizens won't feel safe with the way you're running that Police Department!
RANDALL: Oh if I don't do something soon. The public will think we're like those cops in The Dark Knight Rises!
KAREN: Not only that, on Yelp I was voted the worst Mayor in the state.
RANDALL: We have to work together to think of something to make this town better.
KAREN: We have to! Or else this town is going into an eternal recession and possibly get replaced with a nature preserve!
As Randall and Karen were talking about ways to improve the town and the police force. Bill Clinton used Joe Biden's televisions to listen in.
BILL CLINTON: As my buddy Joe always says, "Oh fuck yeah!"
Putting his plan into action. Bill Clinton takes out his suitcase. As he unpacks his suitcase. He takes out condoms, blow up dolls, until he finds the thing he wants to use.
BILL CLINTON: A-ha! Blimps! That's what I'll use while I'm in this town! Blimps!
His plan was to use the Blimps to make Karen disappear so he could become mayor and reign over a city to feel like he's President again.
At the Paradise PD Headquarters. Everyone sans Fitz was at the meeting room.
STANLEY: Where's that Fitz fella? Not that I give a shit.
GINA: He's still hiding from those mutants who want to kill him.
DUSTY: He knows when he's not wanted. If I know him, he's probably somewhere being Beans Stinkwater!
BULLET: You're blackmailing him again, aren't you?
DUSTY: If you bring that up, I'll make you be Bunny Dog again!
BULLET: OKay, I won't speak of it no more.
KEVIN: It's good to have the whole gang back together again. Especially after that whole Fat Cult fiasco.
DUSTY: I said I was sorry.
GINA: Don't forget Karen's pies.
RANDALL enters room: All right fuckasses listen up! According to Yelp. Our Police Department is the worst one ever. Like I said. According to a website called Yelp.
KEVIN: Don't believe those Yelp reviews, Dad. It's all a bunch of bull.
RANDALL: I'm talking here, Kevin. So we need to come up with a plan to redeem ourselves.
GINA: We're always voted the worst. What else is fucking new?
RANDALL: We need to think of something big! And I mean Big!
DUSTY: I know! Let's get a Zoltar machine and wish for us to be a better police force!
RANDALL: I don't mean that type of Big with Tom Hanks you asshole! So any ideas? Any...any...
STANLEY: Turn our town into a bursleque place?
As Randall was ranting and yelling at Dusty, Bullet, Kevin, Gina, and Stanley to make the police force better. Bill Clinton was outside the vacation rental with his Blimps ready for action.
BILL CLINTON: OKay, Blimps! Go get that Mayor!
The Blimps Bill Clinton dispatched were flying into the air.
BILL CLINTON: That's it! Go my pretties! Go! Go! GO!!!
One of the Blimps was headed right for Karen's mayor office. Karen soon sees a shadow go over her.
KAREN: Is there a storm coming?
Running out of the office. Karen sees nothing but sunny skies.
KAREN: Hmm, that was weird.
The Blimp was behind Karen and bumped into her.
KAREN: Anton, is this another one of your practical jokes?
The Blimp bumped into Karen again.
KAREN: Randall! Kevin! Is that's either of you guys, I'll..
Looking behind her, she sees the Blimp and screams as the Blimp sucks her inside.
KAREN *gets sucked inside the Blimp: YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Another one of the Blimps was headed toward Paradise Police Headquarters. Kevin tries to warn Randall.
KEVIN: Uhhh, Dad. There's something coming....
RANDALL: God dammit Kevin. Stop trying to get my attention.
KEVIN: DAD! It's true! There really is something...
RANDALL: For the last time I....
GINA: He's right, Randall. Listen to warnings for once in your life you Twat Waffle.
RANDALL looks at the Blimp: BBBBBBBBWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
The Blimp crashes into Police Headquarters.
DUSTY: Now do you believe Kevin, Randall?
RANDALL: I do now! Where the fuck are all these Blimps coming from!
BULLET: This reminds me of that Thanksgiving Day Parade scene in the movie Tower Heist.
STANLEY: Blimps, hey? That reminds me of when I fucked Joe Namath on the Goodyear Blimp back in 1967!
Folding out before them. An army of Blimps were invading the city. Some even swallowed up Robby and Delbert.
GINA: Well, guess this is our chance to prove Yelp wrong about us.
KEVIN looks all around: Where's Mom? Why isn't she doing anything about this?
The blimp was swallowed up Karen floats by them. No one notices.
KAREN trapped inside Blimp: I'm in here you dumbass bastards!
RANDALL: Hmm, you're right Kevin. Unless somebody overthrew her and made themselves mayor.
DUSTY: How are we going to stop these blimps?
BULLET: You guys have guns! USE THEM!
GINA: Right! Twat Waffles get your guns!
DUSTY: Thought that was Annie Get Your Gun!
Bullet, Stanley, Dusty, Randall, Kevin, and Gina all try to shoot down the blimps. However, the blimps were bulletproof.
STANLEY: This is like shooting fish in a barrell.
KEVIN: Holy shit! These blimps are powerful!
GINA: Who the fuck is responsible for these shitty blimps!
A TV at an Electronics Store turned on. Bill Clinton appeared.
BILL CLINTON: I AM!
BULLET: Bill Clinton? That President who fucked an intern?
BILL CLINTON: Right you are, mother fuckers!
DUSTY: How could he hear us?
RANDALL: It's a cartoon! Need I say fucking more?
BILL CLINTON: That's correct! I took over this town with my blimps. There's nothing anybody can do about it!
Townspeople in Paradise soon surrounded the PD.
CHASSIDY: Why didn't you guys get those blimps with your guns?
PREACHER PAUL: You all really are the worst Police Force in America! You guys not getting these blimps proves it.
FRANK FLIPPERFIST: Yelp was right about you!
BILL CLINTON: With me around, I can do whatever I want in this city. So residents of Paradise. Get these cops the fuck out of my town!
The Paradise PD soon found themselves running away from an angry mob. Randall, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, Kevin, and Stanley all crammed themselves into one police car. Randall drives off.
KEVIN: Oh no! Without the police! Who's going to stop Clinton. Hey I know!
RANDALL: Don't try to be a hero, Kevin.
Kevin gets on his cellphone and calls his friends. This girlfriend Amy. Evans, Nigel, and Shawn. While Kevin was on the phone with his friends. Dusty asks where they are going.
DUSTY: We going back to Brickleberry?
RANDALL: NO! Someplace better. Where nobody knows us!
BULLET: I say we go to that one town from that show Under The Dome.
GINA: You still remember that show?
STANLEY: If you think this is bad. You should've been in New York City during 1929!
KEVIN on phone: Thanks guys! Bye.
STANLEY: Who were you on the phone with?
KEVIN: My girlfriend Amy. She, Shawn, Nigel, Evans, agreed to look after the police department until such a time when we come back. I told them everything.
RANDALL: Well, you probably just sent them to their graves. If Clinton kills them their blood is on you, Kevin.
DUSTY: You still haven't told us where we're going!
RANDALL: FINE! If it will shut you the fuck up! We're going to Texas!
BULLET: TEXAS! Why there? Why not someplace else? There's anti-drug laws there!
RANDALL: You can survive without your drugs for a while. Now shut up!
GINA: Texas, hey? Maybe I'll ride Dusty in one of those rodeos!
While Randall is driving Kevin, Gina, Bullet, Stanley, and Dusty to Texas. Nigel was now in charge of the Paradise PD.
NIGEL: Our town is being overrun by a crazed ex-President.
SHAWN: Kevin told us he took over Paradise with blimps.
AMY: Half of Paradise is already destroyed.
EVANS: If we want to redeem the Paradise PD. We'll have to take out Clinton and these blimps ourselves.
NIGEL: I know. We need something to build on. But what....
In the Mayor's Office. Bill Clinton was sitting back and enjoying the damage he was causing in the town. One of his blimps that sucked up Robbie and Delbert came to him. Robbie and Delbert soon found themselves sucked out of the blimps.
BILL CLINTON: Thank you, my precious!
ROBBIE: Where the fuck are we!
DELBERT: Sure ain't no snake orgy that's fer sure!
Robbie sees Bill Clinton sitting on the Mayor Desk.
BILL CLINTON: You're probably wondering why I brought you here.
ROBBIE: Hey, I know you! Bill Clinton. The most horniest President alive.
DELBERT: You made a guest apperance on Who Ate Wally's Waffles. That show I was in.
BILL CLINTON: Why aren't you guys smart for a pair of dumb hicks!
ROBBIE: What do you want with us?
BILL CLINTON: You're both going to help me become President again!
DELBERT: NO! NEVER! You were a Democrat! We only like Republicans.
ROBBIE: There's no mother fucking way we are helping a Democrat!
BILL CLINTON: Oh yes you will! presses a remote
Robbie and Delbert felt something shoot at their crotches. Soon they were strapped to the wall. Then some wires came out of their crotches and tied them both up.
BILL CLINTON: I just stuck you both to the wall with my invention. The Clit3po! When I destroy this town. These dumb shmucks in this stupid ass town are all going to vote for me. I shall make promises that I am going to rebuild this town and take away these blimps no matter how much I say I will get rid of the blimps! I WON'T! Then promise to give rights to women, children, and miniorities, and make people think if they vote for me. It'll be just like the 1960's again! Vote for me! Yes! Why? To vote me back into the White House. Where I shall recieve eternal Presidency!
ROBBIE: Aww, shit! We're fucked Delbert. At this rate, we'll never go back to Twatamala.
DELBERT: Fucked fer sure. Why couldn't George W Bush try to take over Paradise instead?
An airplane was flying in the sky. The scene changed into a map. The plane was making it's way to Paradise to Dallas Texas. The Paradise PD were on that plane. When their flight landed. Randall, Kevin, Bullet, Dusty, Gina, and Stanley all got off.
STANLEY: Ahhh! Dallas. Haven't been here since I raped Lee Harvey Oswald at that Schoolbook Building.
RANDALL: We'll lay low here for while.
KEVIN: My friends will come through for us.
DUSTY: That airline was so good.
GINA: All right we're here! Now what?
BULLET: Who cares about the food, Dusty? What about the alcohol they serve on plane! Yum-O!
Afterwards, The Paradise PD settled into a motel. Back in Paradise. Nigel, Amy, Shawn, and Evans were out on patrol. The residents of Paradise were in a panic over the blimps.
EVANS: Keep calm everyone. We will try to get to the bottom of these blimps.
AMY: Thing is, where are they coming from?
SHAWN: We'll need to track them down to their place of origin.
NIGEL: Maybe we can find the company who made the blimps.
LADY GERTURUDE: You better!
PATTY MAE: If you all don't. The Paradise PD will be banned from town forever!
Back in Dallas The Paradise PD decide to explore the place.
GINA sighs contentedly: Texas! I can get used to living in a place like this! Guns! Who knows how many criminals can I bust here?
BULLET: Glad you're happy. I miss my drugs.
KEVIN: What should we do when we're in Dallas?
DUSTY: Let's check out the places to eat!
RANDALL: How about we just go sight seeing?
STANLEY: Sounds good to me. I went sight seeing in Walt Disney's secret vault.
Exiting their hotel room. A person spots them. His name was Pat.
PAT: Excuse me! Excuse me! Are you guys cops?
KEVIN: Why yes we are. What do you need.
PAT: Good thing you're here. Our Dallas police force quit on us!
GINA scoffs: Cowards.
PAT: There's a sniper on the loose here in Dallas and nobody is doing anything about it!
RANDALL: You came to right people.
BULLET: Tell us more about this sniper.
PAT: He attacks events.
DUSTY: What type of events?
PAT: Like local contests and the whatnot.
KEVIN: Don't worry. We'll do all we can to take down this sniper and free your town from his wrath.
PAT: Thank you so much!
RANDALL: Wrath? You and your Dungeons and Dragons words.
GINA: We've only been here five minutes and we already have a case.
KEVIN: If we catch this sniper, this could be a good way for us to reform our reputation as small town cops.
RANDALL: Then Yelp will be eating crow about the Paradise PD!
DUSTY: Crows? Yummy!
BULLET: All we need to do is find out some local contest that is taking place.
Kevin finds a flyer taped to a street light.
GINA: What did you find Kevin?
KEVIN: A dancing contest.
RANDALL: Dancing contests? That's typical Texas bullshit.
DUSTY: Cool! Bet it's going to be like Pitch Perfect.
BULLET reads the flyer: This says the contest is tommorow!
RANDALL: I think what we should do is. One of us will enter this dancing contest.
GINA: I can enter.
KEVIN: Maybe I could....
RANDALL: No not you Kevin! You'll probably stomp all over me like what happened to Molly Shannon's parents in the movie SuperStar.
BULLET: I'll do it! Only if I could get my drugs....
STANLEY: How about we enter Dusty?
Bullet and Randall have their eyes on Dusty, who backs away.
DUSTY: No! Please! Not me! I can't dance worth a shit! Don't make me do this!
GINA: You're doing this! Take one for the team!
KEVIN: Awesome idea! Dusty would be excellent!
DUSTY: Why does it have to be me? Why not Stanley instead?
STANLEY: We'll teach you how to dance. Before you know it you'll be dancing with Shirley Temple with BoJangles!
Dusty cries and protests some more. Until Randall slaps him.
RANDALL: You owe us! You're doing this!
KEVIN: Think of it like this. We're entering you so you we can catch that sniper asshole.
DUSTY: Why me! Why me! Why me all the time!
RANDALL: GODDAMN IT DUSTY! Ever since this season started you have been one mean mother fucker!
KEVIN: I agree! It's like you totally flipped your lid!
RANDALL: Shut up, Kevin! I'll do the berating around here! Anyway, Dusty. You blackmailed Fitz, you made Bullet do a viral video, you started that fat cult that ended up getting your members killed. Including Thester. You impersonated Boss Hogg.....
STANLEY: He slapped me up when he did that.
KEVIN: Then you forced Fitz to host a pseudo Family Feud.
GINA: Come on. There's got to be a stage around here somewhere.
BULLET points: Look, it's an outdoor stage.
KEVIN: OKay! We got everything need.
GINA: We got one day to make Dusty dance.
RANDALL: And one day to make fucking mincemeat out of that sniper!
DUSTY: Okay. I'll dance. You win.
Back in Paradise. Evans was chasing one of the Blimps and took a picture of the Blimp Company that was written on the back.
EVANS: HA! Gotcha!
Running back to Police Headquarters. Amy, Shawn, and Nigel were waiting for him.
AMY: Did you get anything?
EVANS: Yes! Got the address and phone number to that Blimp Company.
SHAWN: Perfect! Let's call them.
Evans gives Shawn the phone number and address. Shawn calls the Blimp Company.
OPERATOR: BLIMPS INCORPORATED! How may I help you?
SHAWN: Uhh, yes. A mad man has invaded our small Illinois town with your blimps.
OPERATOR: OKay.
SHAWN: We were wondering if you have a record of anyone who recently ordered your Blimps.
OPERATOR: One moment please.....It appears we do have someone on our files.
SHAWN: Okay good. That's a start. What is the person's name.
OPERATOR: Someone who goes by the name Slick Willy.
SHAWN: Okay thanks. That's we all need to know. Bye. hangs up then turns to his friends. Does anyone know somebody named 'Slick Willy'.
AMY: Hmmm, Slick Willy....
NIGEL snaps fingers Bill Clinton!
AMY: Of course!
NIGEL: That's what Clinton used to call himself when he was President.
AMY: We have to go stop Bill Clinton.
SHAWN: Indeed we shall.
Amy, Shawn, Nigel, and Evans all set out to stop Bill Clinton from sending the Blimps to demolish Paradise. Bill Clinton was even outside, sitting on one of the blimps with Robbie and Delbert (who were still imprisoned in clit3po) pushing the blimps like horses on a stagecoach.
BILL CLINTON: MUSH! MUSH! MUSH! sings Cellophane! Mr. Cellophane! Shoulda been by name.
The residents were yelling at Bill Clinton.
PERSON: Why are you doing this?
BILL CLINTON: If you want me to get rid of these Blimps. You'll appoint me to be your mayor.
KAREN floats by in a blimp: NNNNNOOOO!!! I'm your mayor! MMMEEE!! MEEE!!!! MEEEEE!!!!
Amy, Shawn, Nigel, and Evans all run into the Mayor's Office with hopes that they will confront and take town Bill Clinton.
EVANS: Okay, Slick Willy! We're here to....
Once they all entered, no one was there.
SHAWN: Where could he have gone?
AMY: He's....he's not here.
NIGEL: We need to fucking find him! Or else the Paradise Police Department will never get good reviews again.
AMY: We're well aware.
SHAWN: We're doing this for the police. And importantly. Our friend Kevin.
AMY: We sure would hate to have Kevin lose his job as a policeman.
EVANS: I know right.
SHAWN: Police work is all he knows.
AMY: What about tracking down Clinton.
EVANS: Guess we'll have to go around town on foot to find him.
In Dallas, Randall, Gina, Bullet, Stanley all debate on what type of dance Dusty should do.
RANDALL: All right, assfucks. We all got until tomorrow to teach Dusty how to dance.
KEVIN: This is important. Our jobs are on the line.
GINA: The more bad reviews we get as police, the better chances of us losing our jobs.
BULLET: That's right. Even if we apply for police jobs someplace else they'll turn us away.
STANLEY: We can't let that happen. I refuse to retire!
KEVIN: Question is? What type of dances do fat people do?
DUSTY: I heard that!
GINA: Hmmm. Maybe the Electric Slide?
STANLEY: The Charleston?
KEVIN: Hip Hop or Breakdancing?
RANDALL: GOD DAMMIT! None of us know any cool and hip dancing trends.
BULLET: I know of one.
GINA: Tell us!
BULLET: River Dancing!
RANDALL: You mean that shitty dance where nobody uses their arms?
BULLET: Yes! That would be perfect!
DUSTY: I'm willing to do River Dance.
BULLET: See? Even Dusty agrees!
RANDALL: Fine! River Dance it is.
KEVIN sees a computer: All we need to do is find a River Dance video and Dusty could learn the moves.
RANDALL: I hate this idea so much.....I LOVE IT!
Kevin types into the computer, River Dance.
GINA: Pay attention Dusty.
DUSTY: I'm ready and willing.
Kevin has Dusty watch the River Dance video on the computer. Then Dusty begins to imitate the moves.
GINA: YEAH! GO DUSTY! WOO HOO!
KEVIN: He's got it!
BULLET: When we enter him in the dance contest, we'll make him dance to that Rolling Stones song, Paint it Black!
RANDALL: YES! YES! Dance Dusty Dance!
KEVIN: Dance like a Maniac! On the floor!
GINA: Dance like you've never danced before!
BULLET: Please no Flashdance references!
In Paradise. The blimps were out of control. Bill Clinton was giving a speech to the public. Evans, Amy, Nigel, and Shawn were trying to think of a way to stop him. Robbie and Delbert still imprisoned in the clit3po were doing sign language.
BILL CLINTON: If you want me to get rid of these blimps. Before I begin I just want to say that I did not have anything to do with unleashing this blimps that are detroying this great American town. Now anyway, if you want this these blimps gone you will appoint me as your mayor. If you make me your mayor, it's going to be just like the sixties again!
EVANS: Such denial.
SHAWN: He was a terrible President let alone a mayor.
AMY: Isn't he married to someone?
NIGEL: Yes! You're right. That feminist bitch known as Hilary!
EVANS: We'll get her on the phone and tell her what her husband is up to.
NIGEL grabs cellphone: Good plan!
BILL CLINTON: If you don't vote for me. These blimps will invade our town forever. Women will lose their rights. Children won't get vaccinated. Blacks will be made slaves again....
NIGEL: Hello, information. Get me Hilary Clinton please.
Momentarily, a helicopter was flying over the town. Then lands next to Clinton. Out comes Hilary.
HILARY CLINTON: BILL!!!!!
BILL CLINTON: HILARY! What are you doing here?
HILARY CLINTON: Somebody gave me an anonymous tip that you were trying to take over the town with these fucking blimps.
BILL CLINTON: But, Hilary! You don't understand. I just want to rule over a place again.
Karen gets out of one of the blimps she was enccased in.
HILARY CLINTON: So you can have another term in the White House eventually. I know you better than you know yourself!
KAREN: All right! I'm finally out of that fucking blimp! Now I can be mayor again! HOORAY!
BILL CLINTON: Sorry Hilary.
HILARY CLINTON: Look what you did with this town. Dismiss this blimps! NOW!
Bill Clinton gives into his wife's demands. Bill presses a button that deflates all the blimps that become neatly folded into place. Bill presses a remote and releases Robbie and Delbert from the clit3po.
ROBBIE: We're free! We're free!
DELBERT: Awesome! Let's go back to Twatamala!
HILARY CLINTON: Now come inside the helicopter. You're grounded for 3 years.
BILL CLINTON: Yes, Mommy, I mean Hilary.
Hilary has Bill follow her into the helicopter. Spanking is heard as Hilary yells at him while Bill cries. The helicopter takes off. Evans, Amy, Shawn, and Nigel all cheer.
EVANS: We did it!
AMY: That was so cool! Kevin will be proud.
PERSON: Hmm, maybe the Paradise PD isn't so bad after all.
AMY: That's right. We were temporary replacements. So be sure to give us some rave reviews!
SHAWN: Especially on YELP! It's not just for resturants anymore!
PERSON: We sure will!
SHAWN: We saved the day.
NIGEL: Maybe we can contact Kevin now and tell him to come back home.
In Dallas, the Dance Contest was going on. The Sniper was in the balcony. Nobody knew it yet. Dusty was going to take center stage.
ANNOUNCER: Up next. Dusty Marlowe. Who will be doing River Dance.
GINA: Oh boy! This is going to be awesome!
RANDALL: Just be on the lookout for the fucking sniper.
KEVIN: He should be around here someplace.
STANLEY: Knowing Dusty he'll probably cause an earthquake.
Dusty was about to dance. Bullet was behind him with a radio. As Bullet puts a CD inthe radio. Dusty begins to dance. The Rolling Stones song Paint It Black begins to play.
BULLET sniffs around: HA! He's there! The sniper you guys!
The sniper on the balcony begins to shot at Dusty as he dances.
DUSTY: OH NO! OH NO! I'm losing my footing! Somebody help me!
The audience begins to murmur.
KEVIN: Don't worry Dusty! We found the sniper.
DUSTY: Oh I guess I'm finally paying for being such a fucking asshole! I'm so sorry for all the things I've done this season. Beating up on Stanley was when I was Boss Hogg. sobs Making Fitz host Family Feud, sorry Bullet for forcing you to be Bunny Dog. Then that Body Positivity group......I promise I'll be better....
Kevin, Randall, and Gina all ran to the balcony to stop the sniper.
SNIPER: Who are you!
RANDALL: PARADISE PD! You're under arrest!
Gina tackles the sniper and pins him to the ground. Dusty was still dancing.
KEVIN: No Gina! Don't hurt the sniper.
GINA: Why not?
KEVIN: Let me do it!
RANDALL: Dammit Gina! Why did you have Kevin beat up the sniper?
Kevin beats up and pounds the sniper senselessly. When Kevin was beating up the sniper, he pictured Randall's face insulting Kevin on the sniper's face. Bullet runs up the the balcony.
BULLET: All right! Looks like we got his ass!
Gina slaps handcuffs on the sniper. Randall leads the sniper out of the building.
BULLET to the audience: We got the sniper!
The audience cheers. Dusty stops dancing.
DUSTY: YAY! I don't have to do this stupid River Dance anymore.
Kevin gets a call on his cellphone. Amy was on the other end.
AMY: Kevin! Good news! You guys can come back to Paradise now.
KEVIN: We can? What did you do with Clinton?
AMY: We called Hilary to tell her what he was up to. Did Clinton get his ass kicked or what?
KEVIN: That is awesome news. I miss you my love!
AMY: I miss you too. Hope you see you soon.
KEVIN: You will bye.
Randall comes up to the stage. Bullet does too.
BULLET: We are the Paradise PD from Paradise Illinois!
RANDALL: We were the ones who took down that sniper son of a bitch. So be sure to give us great reviews on Yelp!
The audience claps. Then chants PARADISE PD! PARADISE PD!
When the whole Clinton and Sniper fiasco was over two days later. The Paradise PD was back in Police Headquarters. Randall was going over the new reviews on Yelp.
KEVIN: What do the reviews say about us now, Dad?
RANDALL: We're....AVERAGE?!?!?!
GINA: So what? Better than nothing.
RANDALL: But we arrested a sniper in another state!
KEVIN: And my friends ended Bill Clinton's reign of terror.
Amy, Evans, Shawn, and Nigel enter.
NIGEL: Those aren't the real results.
SHAWN hands Randall a computer: These are!
Randall sees the computer and reads the reviews.
KEVIN: What does it say?
RANDALL: We're positive!
STANLEY: No forced retirement for me!
GINA: Kick ass!
DUSTY: I hope I didn't scare away Fitz. He wasn't been around throughout this whole episode.
AMY: When do you get off work, Kevin.
KEVIN: In an hour.
AMY: Would you like to hang out with us somewhere?
SHAWN: We'd love to have you.
EVANS: Cool! See you then.
KEVIN: Thanks guys. For everything.
EVANS: That's what friends are for.
Fitz was driving around town. The mutants who want him dead were in his path.
CLOVIS: Look! It's Gerald Fitzgerald. Let's run him off the road!
FITZ: I am not putting up with this shit anymore! And no more Beans Stinkwater!
The mutants were ran over by Fitz's car. Then the car stopped at a cemetary. Fitz goes out of his car and puts flowers on what he thinks is Thester's grave.
FITZ cries: Oh Thester. sobs I miss you very much. If only you had a better role this season instead of being used for a fat joke then dying of obesity.
The scene changes once more in Agent Clapper's secret hideaway. Agent Clappers was laughing as Thester was shouting at the computer. Tied to a chair.
THESTER: I'm not dead! I'm not dead! I'm right here! I'm right here!
AGT. CLAPPERS: The whole town thinks you've died. You're all forogtten about.
THESTER: Someone will figure it out.
AGT. CLAPPERS: Now they won't. That's really a clone of you that died. They will never know what happened to the real Thester.
THESTER: You're right. Looks like I really am dead this time.
AGT. CLAPPERS: Indeed you are. And you will remain that way.
Thester cries as Agent Clappers laughs.
AGT CLAPPERS: If you don't stop crying I'll have Pee-Wee Herman to piss in your mouth.
Dusty made a vow to never be a jerk again and atoned for all the cruel things he had done. Kevin goes out and has fun with his girlfriend and pals after he got off work. Will anyone in Paradise ever realize that Thester is still alive and is being held prisoner by Agent Clappers?
The End
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