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Story: Quagmire's Three Day Divorce



by: Zoey Webber



Days after coming back from Harvard that ended up becoming a wild night on the town. Peter just wanted to go there to have cereal for dinner. Something which Lois never allowed him to do. Their trip to Harvard became a whole lot more. When they all got drunk and partied. Quagmire unwittingly married an elderly prostitute named Charmese. Being under the influence of alcohol, Quagmire lost control of what he was doing. From the looks of things, more and more it looked like Charmese was going to be a mainstay in Quagmire's life. In other words, she refuses to leave him. Trying to get advice from Peter and Joe, who really weren't very good at helping Quagmire with his issue. Quagmire decides to take matters into his own hands. Going to the Quahog Courthouse while Charmese was spending Quagmire's credit cards on a new wardrobe for herself. Quagmire meets with Judge Blackman.


JUDGE BLACKMAN: Mr. Quagmire. What brings you to my court? Is one of your many girlfriends filing a paternity suit against you?


QUAGMIRE: I'm afraid it's much more worse than that. You see. Three days ago, my friends Peter and Joe went to Harvard and we ended up getting drunk and partying.


JUDGE BLACKMAN: Okay? Then what?


QUAGMIRE: While I was drunk I unknowingly married an old prostitute. She is very clingy on me and refuses to divorce me. If I do divorce her, she'll get everything I own.


JUDGE BLACKMAN: Hmmmm. That's quite the quandary you're in. There is one thing I can do.


QUAGMIRE: Sure! Anything! I want to go back to my old life where I just date girls, have sex with them, and dump them. With Charmese around, there's no way she'll let me do that.


JUDGE BLACKMAN: Some people do take marriage vows seriously. Here have her sign these.


Quagmire was being handed some Annulment Papers.


JUDGE BLACKMAN: You have about three days to get her to sign these Annulment papers.


QUAGMIRE: Thank you so much Judge Blackman.


JUDGE BLACKMAN: You're welcome. Now go, you're not due back here until six months when you go on trial for raping that female taxi driver. Oh and by the way.


QUAGMIRE: What is it?


JUDGE BLACKMAN: If she refuses to sign the papers you're stuck with her forever.


Quagmire runs out of the courthouse and goes to the Clam. Peter and Joe were there.


PETER: Hey Joe. What Would You Rather Do?


JOE: Peter! You agreed that I was going to go first on our What Would You Rather Do games.


QUAGMIRE running to the booth: Great news you guys! Great news!


PETER: Meg got run over by a semi truck?


JOE: Tell us.


QUAGMIRE: I went to the Courthouse to ask for some Annulment papers.


PETER: That's awesome Quagmire.


QUAGMIRE: All I need to do is get Charmese to sign these and I can go back to my Giggity Lifestyle!


JOE: You better get her to sign those soon. Or else she'll start controlling your life.


QUAGMIRE: That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Just yesterday. She was saying I can't hang out with you guys anymore.


PETER: I got it! Before she comes home. Watch a whole bunch of movies about failed marriages.


QUAGMIRE: You fucking bet I will. Anything to get her off my ass! Biggest regret of my life!


JOE: Charmese isn't going to let you hang out with us? Sounds to me like she's becoming power crazy.


QUAGMIRE In the meantime what I plan to do is. I'm going to be so mean to her that I'm going to make her hate me!


JOE: Bonnie's been doing the same thing to me.


QUAGMIRE: exits the bar: She's coming back home in 2 hours. Wish me luck! I'm going to need it.


PETER: OKay, bye! And people think I make poor decisions when I get drunk.


Before Charmese comes back to Quagmire's house. Quagmire watches the argument scene in Marriage Story. Studies it very carefully.


QUAGMIRE: Good! Got it all under control now.


CHARMESE walks in: Hey, Glenn honey! What do you think of my new clothes?


QUAGMIRE: They're wonderful! You look so beautiful in them.


CHARMESE: Thank you! While I was away. You'll never believe what I saw.


QUAGMIRE: Please do tell me.


CHARMESE: After I got done shopping. I used this TV thing called the internet. I found us a cute little house that I think we can afford on your salary.


QUAGMIRE thinking to himself: Don't do it yet. Hear what she has to say first. talks to Charmese A house you say.


CHARMESE: Yes! A house! You are an airplane pilot. You do make good money. I struck gold when I married you.


QUAGMIRE: heh heh. Indeed you did. Where is this house you're speaking of?


CHARMESE: I want to go back to Massachusetts . You and I deserve a fresh start.


Quagmire then puts his plan into action.


CHARMESE: Why are you so quiet?


QUAGMIRE: WHAT! And leave my life here in Quahog?


CHARMESE: Uh yes! My whole life is there. My work is there.


QUAGMIRE: Yeah well my whole life is here! My job, my friends, you name it. Now what you're saying is that you want me to drop everything to move with you to Massachusetts?


CHARMESE: Exactly!


QUAGMIRE: I was drunk when I married you. Didn't know what I was doing. Or getting myself into.


CHARMESE: Honey, let me finish. We took vows.


QUAGMIRE: I was stoned when I took those vows. Nobody says what they mean when they're intoxicated!


CHARMESE: All I wanted was to settle down and get myself a husband. Then I thought we could do Massachusetts for a while...


QUAGMIRE: thinks to himself Become Adam Driver. talks to Charmese I was not privy to that thought process.


CHARMESE: I get what's going on there. You're just like all the men I've fucked over the years. All of you men are alike. The only reason why I don't want to live here in Quahog is because you can't have any other desires but your own. Unless they're forced on you! I know men like the back of my hand!


QUAGMIRE: Okay. I wish I hadn't married you. Now you want a different life.


CHARMESE begging: Please! Stay with me! If you divorce me you leave me with nothing!


QUAGMIRE: Maybe I ought to pull the rug out from underneath you! When you came to live with me and be my wife. It was hell!


CHARMESE: Is that what this marriage is to you? Hell?


QUAGMIRE: Yes! It is! Since you came here you've maxed out my credit cards. You forbidding me to see my friends....


CHARMESE: Now you're going to put me back out on the streets so you can again get what you want!


QUAMGIRE: That is not what I want. It is what I want. What am I going to tell my friends if you force to go back to your home state with you?


CHARMESE: All you men! You're all just like your fathers!


QUAGMIRE: Don't you compare me to my father! You don't know my father! My father was a homosexual who became a woman.


CHARMESE: Find that hard to believe! I am not comparing you. I am saying all you men act like your fathers.


QUAGMIRE: I am NOT my father!

CHARMESE: Maybe you are. Perhaps that's why you won't stay married to me. You're guy just like you say your father was! The old saying goes you can tell a man is gay with a bottle of beer!


QUAGMIRE: Don't compare me to my father! I am nothing like him! I may by like my mother but not my father! Yeah well all you women act like your mothers!


CHARMESE: You don't even know my parents!


QUAGMIRE: And you don't know mine! So stop acting like you're the leading authority on men!


CHARMESE: Lately when I lay in bed with you. I would look at you and see my father! It's gross!


QUAGMIRE: You are the one who is gross! Hell you want to compare ourselves to our parents! How's this? My mom was the town whore. She fucked and screwed every man she saw. You are exactly like her in every way shape and form!


CHARMESE: Is that supposed to hurt my feelings? Well it doesn't! We're staying married whether you want to or not!


QUAGMIRE: Look at us going at each other. We've been married for three days and we're arguing like we've been married for years!


CHARMESE: You say your father was gay and your mom was promiscious? You're everything bad about both of those two!


QUAGMIRE: FUCK YOU CHARMESE! FUCK YOU!


CHARMESE: FUCK YOU, Glenn! For not cleaning up your perverted act and being a good husband to me!


QUAGMIRE: I didn't want to get married.


CHARMESE: I can't believe I will have to know you FOREVER!


QUAGMIRE: Yeah, well. Every day when I wake up I hope that you are dead! You get an STD, get run over by a car and die!


CHARMESE: Why? So you can go back to fucking every cheap piece of ass you see?


QUAGMIRE: YES!


Things begin to calm down between Quagmire and Charmese.


CHARMESE: This arguing we did. It proves something.


QUAGMIRE: Proves what?


CHARMESE: It proves you really do love me and maybe we can work things out.


QUAGMIRE: Know what? You're right. Let's cool down for a while.


Glancing at his annulment papers. Quagmire pretended to settle down. Charmese decides to take a shower.


QUAGMIRE: Heh heh. That didn't work. Still got two more days. Time for Plan B!



On day two. Quagmire was at the airport. Having lunch with his fellow pilots.


PILOT #1: Hey, Glenn. Seen any good pornos lately?


QUAGMIRE: Actually no.


PILOT #2: You always talk to us about the latest dirty movie you've seen to us.


QUAGMIRE: Haven't had time to. Instead I watched that movie The Break Up. I'll admit Jennifer Aniston is hot....


PILOT #3: Dude. Usually when men stop watching porn. It's a sign that they're in a committed relationship.


QUAGMIRE: I'm afraid so. You see. A couple days ago my friends Peter, Joe, and myself went to Harvard and partied and got really drunk. Then I ended up marrying an elderly hooker.


PILOT #1: Woah man! That's going to take forever to get out of that mess.


QUAGMIRE: I want her out of my life so I can go back to dating women and send them packing. That's the real reason why I've been watching break up movies. To get tips.


One of the pilots sees Charmese with a brown bag.


PILOT #2: Is that her right now.


QUAGMIRE: Yeah, it is. But there is hope.


PILOT #3: Ha! From what you told us there isn't.


QUAGMIRE: I went to a judge to get some annulment papers. I have two more days to sign them. So I'm spending these these few days trying to get her to hate me so she'll leave.


PILOT #1: scoffs Good luck!


The pilots leave Quagmire with Charmese.



PILOT #2: We'll find some other break room.



PILOT #3: Give to some 'alone time' with your beautiful wife!



CHARMESE: Hey, sweetheart! I brought you your lunch!



QUAGMIRE: I just ate.



CHARMESE: If I'm going to stay married to you. I guess I got to get used to your schedule.



QUAGMIRE: Uh, yeah sure.



CHARMESE: Since you're going on a flight. Is it to Boston by any chance? Can I come too! I'd love for you to see this new house I saw just for the two of us.



QUAGMIRE thinks to himself: Now is the time to be Vince Vaughn.



CHARMESE: Dammit! Why do you get so quiet everything I bring that up!



Not wanting Charmese to know about his plan to get her to sign the annulment papers. Quagmire picks another fight with her.



CHARMESE: It would be nice if you could talk to me!


QUAGMIRE: I don't want to talk now. Uh, my break is almost up.


CHARMESE: It won't take long. It'll just a couple minutes.


QUAGMIRE: Honestly, I just want to look forward to whatever plane I'm going to fly. Just let my food digest here. Hopefully we can talk tomorrow.


CHARMESE: I don't like trying to talk to my man who just tries to push me away.


QUAGMIRE: Who cares! What's next? You going to nag me to do the dishes next?


CHARMESE: I care! All right! I care! I'm busting my ass making this lunch for you and keeping our house clean. Sure would be nice if you could say thank you and help me out with things. Like trying to talk to you for instance.


QUAGMIRE gets up: OKay fine. What do you want to talk about?


CHARMESE: You've giving me attitude.


QUAGMIRE: You just said you wanted to talk to me.


CHARMESE: Not like this. I want you to want to talk to me.


QUAGMIRE: Why would I want to make this marriage work. You were just a one night stand.


CHARMESE: Oh shit. Not this again. This is an example of what I am talking about here.


QUAGMIRE: Yes this again!


CHARMESE: I mean, you were normal when we got married. And it seems lately you're just being so mean to me.


QUAGMIRE: Hmmm, wonder why? Is it because I don't have a strong desire to talk to you and stay in this shit hole you call a marriage.


CHARMESE: Yes! Why don't you want me?


QUAGMIRE: I told you a million times before!


CHARMESE: Look, I'm old. My memory isn't what it used to be.


QUAGMIRE: Just get out of here Charmese! Just get out!


CHARMESE: If you think this is over. It's not! We're going to talk when you get home.


QUAGMIRE: Yeah whatever you say. One more thing!


CHARMESE: What?!


QUAGMIRE: One of my biggest fears of getting married is that whoever my wife is will try to ruin my fun. Which is exactly what you are doing!


As Charmese leaves the airport break room in anger. Quagmire is quite pleased with himself that his plan is working out.


QUAGMIRE: Just one more day. I'll have another fight with her. Then she'll regret ever marrying me!



It was the third day. One more day Quagmire had to get Charmese to sign the annulment papers. Charmese was out and coming back to Quagmire as he sits on the front porch waiting for her.


QUAGMIRE: Okay. Here she comes! Hmmm, Peter is right. Watching Failed Relationship Movies does work. The Notebook was boring as fuck. But at least this will all be worth it to get her out of my life!


CHARMESE: Hey, Glenn. I'm sorry for the fights we've had. Guess I have to get used to that if we're going to stay in this marriage.


QUAGMIRE: Well I'm not.


CHARMESE: What's that supposed to mean.


QUAGMIRE: You know what it means.


CHARMESE: We had our differences these past few days. I realize I love you. Since the moment we meet. I knew you were the one.


QUAGMIRE: Are we back to that? We back to that? What about the past couple of days? Our fights. They happened you know.


CHARMESE: I know they happened. They were also very irresponsible.


Quagmire gets up in a rage. Charmese is startled.


CHARMESE: There is one thing you should know. I married you not only for love. But for your money too.


QUAGMIRE: Was that your plan? Was this some test that I failed?


CHARMESE: NO!


QUAGMIRE: This is not about keeping your vows. This is all about controlling me. Thus mooching off my money!


CHARMESE: You know something. If you're going to be cruel like this with me. Then I hate you!


QUAGMIRE: Good I hate you too! In fact....


Charmese watches as Quagmire goes inside his pocket to get the annulment papers.


QUAGMIRE: I want you to sign this paper!


CHARMESE: What is this?


QUAGMIRE: It's annulment papers. Sign them and our marriage is done.


CHARMESE: Okay! I will.


Quagmire gives Charmese a pen and she and him sign the divorce papers.


CHARMESE: I realize now that having a home and a husband isn't all what it's cracked up to be.


QUAGMIRE: You bet it isn't! You've been nothing but a pain in my ass!


CHARMESE: And you've been nothing but a son of a bitch!


QUAGMIRE: You wanted me to dedicate my whole life to you. Wanting me to move out to Massachusetts with you and force me away from my friends.

CHARMESE: Know something? You stay in this town and with your friends. You all a bunch of drunken slobby assholes anyway. You all deserve each other!


QUAGMIRE: I like my friends hell of a whole lot better than I have ever liked you!


CHARMESE: IIf you had been more mature you would've left your friends and been with me. Maybe we could've settled down had kids.


QUAGMIRE: I NEVER WANTED THAT FUCKING LIFE!


CHARMESE: Maybe I'm better off being homeless anyway!


A car pulls up in front of Quagmire's house.


QUAGMIRE: smiles evilly: Oh you're going to have a home all right.


CHARMESE: What you are implying?


Two men came out of the car and they take Charmese.


CHARMESE: What's going on here? What did you do?


MAN #1: Glenn Quagmire called us to take you away.


CHARMESE: Where?


MAN #2: To an old folks home of course!


MAN #1: You're way too old to be married to such a young guy like Quagmire.


CHARMESE: NNNNOOO!!! PLEASE! SET ME FREE! I want to go back to Massachusetts to be a hooker again.


MAN #2: Don't worry. Once you're drugged some of our employees will fuck you in your sleep anyway.


Charmese was being dragged away into the car on her way to the Old Folks Home.


QUAGMIRE: Goodbye forever! Thanks for nothing!


Charmese can still be heard yelling and screaming when the car takes her away to the Old Folks Home.


QUAGMIRE: YES! I did it! Can't wait to tell Peter and Joe!


At the Drunken Clam, Quagmire runs inside as he sees Peter and Joe in their usual booth.


PETER: Quagmire! You're back.


JOE: Did you get her to sign those papers.


QUAGMIRE: Absolutely I did! She'll never be a problem for me again!


PETER: Holy freaking awesome!


JOE: Bet you feel a lot better now.


QUAGMIRE: After I got her to sign the annulment papers. I had to sent to an Old Folks Home.


Peter and Joe laugh.


JOE: How does it feel to be a bachelor again?


PETER: What you did was hilarious! Now you can go back to your old life again.


QUAGMIRE: Thanks Peter for the advice on watching breakup movies. It really worked. Thak heavens I don't have to watch them anymore. Those movies were so fucking boring. Now, I can go back to watching porn.


PETER: Anytime Quagmire. So, want to join us for beers?


QUAGMIRE: Would I! How can I refuse that!


JOE: Come on over! Just don't marry any more elderly prostitutes again!


QUAGMIRE: As I always say! ALL RIGHT! It's awesome to be single again! I'll drink to that!


Peter, Joe, and Quagmire enjoy getting drinking at The Drunken Clam. Quagmire was happy to be single again. Going back to his life hanging around with Peter and Joe and having one night stands.



The End