Categories > Original > Humor

Dan Vs PB and J Otter

by PickleGarden 0 reviews

A kid with a universal remote control messes with Dan's HDTV that leads Dan to Lake Hoohah!

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Crossover,Humor,Parody - Published: 2021-10-27 - Updated: 2021-10-27 - 4233 words - Complete

Today was a day like no other. Dan's birthday. So Chris and Elise got him an HDTV. Packed with all the channels a person can get on the Internet. Hulu, Netflix, what have you. Chris and Elise even had a cake for him and sang Happy Birthday to Dan.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Dan! Happy Birthday to you! And many more!" Chris and Elise both sang happily. Dan however was clearly annoyed. Not even his birthday can bring him out of his misanthropic personality.

"OKay, that's enough of this shit now. I get the point! I'm a year older! Can we please move on now?" Dan asked his friends. "Oh come on! Lighten up, Dan!" Chris tells his friend. "Yeah, can't you even be happy on your own birthday?" asked Elise. "Yeah, don't you like this cool new HDTV we got for you? All you own. That way you don't have to keep using ours!" Chris tells Dan.

"So what! I'm waiting for you two to leave so I can actually use it!" says Dan. "Okay, it is your birthday. You can do what you please." said Elise. "You both have to stop treating my birthday like it is a fucking sacred holiday! It's just another day on the calendar!" Dan spats.

"Can I at least sing you another song? For He's A Jolly Good Fellow! For He's A Jolly Good Fellow!" Chris begins to sing. "GO! GET OUT!" Dan said. "So we shall. Have fun, Dan!" Elise says as he parts with Chris.

Dan was relieved that Chris and Elise had left. "Finally some alone time! Geez! Those two remind me of those goofy camp counselers from Addams Family Values!" Dan says going to try out his new HDTV. "Let's see, what should I watch first?!" Dan said. Back in Chris's and Elise's apartment. Chris was questioning why Dan was always acting the way he does. "It's just that in my family, whenever one of us has a birthday, we always treat it like it is a Holiday." Chris tells Elise. "It was that way with mine too. I don't know what Dan's problem is all the time." Elise says.

"That's the way he is. Every day is angry day to him." said Chris. "Let's make a pact. Next time Dan gets in any sorts of trouble, let's not help him at all." Elise suggests. "Sounds like a deal to me." Chris agrees.

In Dan's apartment, he tries out his new HDTV. "Wonder if there's any good porn on here." Dan said. Outside the apartment building. There was a kid who had a universal remote control. The child was spying on Dan who was watching his HDTV. Dan finally found a porno to watch. "All right! Deep Throat! Haven't seen this one!" Dan said excitedly.

The kid outside was looking through Dan's window and saw he was watching the HDTV. The kid then pointed the universal remote control at Dan's HDTV. The channel changed and what came up was the short lived Disney Children's Series, "PB and J Otter."

The HDTV says, "PB and J OTTER!" "What the fuck!" Dan shouted. Dan then uses his remote to turn Deep Throat back on. The kid outside then uses the universal remote to turn PB and J Otter back on. "Again! What the hell is going on!" Dan yelled.

Chris and Elise hear the commotion, Chris tries to get up to see what was troubling Dan. "Hey, remember our deal." Elise says to her boyfriend. "You're right. You're right." Chris sits back down.

Dan uses the remote to turn Deep Throat back on, then the kid used the universal remote again to change it back to PB and J Otter. "Son of a bitch! This PB and J Otter show is really beginning to piss me off!!" Dan yelled.

The kid hears Dan coming out of his apartment to confront him. The kid sees Dan and laughs at him. "Hey, mister! I fucked up your TV! The only thing you can watch is PB and J Otter! Whatcha gonna do about that!" the kid teased Dan who then let out a huge roar scaring the kid. As the kid was running away from Dan, his universal remote control fell to the ground. Dan picks it up and decides to use the universal remote for his own purposes.

Dan does his signature scream into the sky whenever he wants revenge on something, "PB AND J OTTER!"

The caption reads, "DAN VS.....PB AND J OTTER".

Taking the universal remote. Dan decides to do some damage control. "Hmm, maybe I can use this other remote. This way I can get Deep Throat back on." said Dan to himself. Dan tries to use the remote, but it was no use. PB and J Otter was still on. Dan begins to pound on the remote. That was until Dan pounded on the wrong button thus causes him to disappear. "What the fuck..." Dan spews.

2 hours later, Chris and Elise begin to grow concern. They noticed Dan has been quiet for 2 hours. "It isn't like Dan to be so silent." Chris says. "We knew it was going to come to this, anyway." Elise says. Chris and Elise with reluctance lance into Dan's apartment. His HDTV was turned off. Both remotes were touching each other on the ends.

Chris sees it, "Hmm, didn't know it had two remotes." "My gosh. Dan's like his vanished...." Elise says with fright. "Could it be someone probably kidnapped him?" asked Chris. "Yeah, maybe. He's always thought he was unstoppable." said Elise. "I know. Let's get in contact with Nancy Grace. Maybe she can spread some awareness about Dan's disapperance." said Chris.

"The problem with that is, people like her don't take missing persons cases involving men too seriously." Elise said. Chris picks up the universal remote. "Look at this. It's one of those universal remotes." "Maybe it did need two remotes. Perhaps Dan was experimenting with both of them then someone broke in and kidnapped him." Elise said.

"Doesn't sound so far fetched. All the people Dan has hunted down for revenge over the years. Maybe it finally caught up with him." Chris says. "Yeah, could be." said Elise. "This universal remote thing reminds me of that one in the movie Click." Chris said.

"Should we call the cops?" asked Elise. "No, Dan has a big criminal record enough as it is. The cops are not Dan's biggest fans and vice versa." said Chris. "So true. Where could Dan have gone?" asked Elise.

Dan reappears in Lake Hoohah. With no idea where he is. "Where am I? Is this hell?" Dan asks out loud stomping around. Dan comes across a sign that reads, "WELCOME TO LAKE HOOHAH." "Lake Hoohah! Wait a minute. Could it I in that land where PB and J Otter lived?" Dan asks himself. Running into the town. Dan sees more and more that he is in fact in Lake Hoohah.

Dan gets a gun out of his pocket. "All I need to do is find that Otter family. Great way for me to get revenge for having that stupid ass kiddie show come onto my HDTV and ruin my birthday!" Dan begins to laugh very evilly as he runs around searching for the Otter family. Then Dan is stopped by Flick Duck.

"Excuse me, sir? Are you lost? Do you need help?" asked Flick Duck to Dan. "NO!" Dan yells at the duck running his way to the Otter Family house.


Chris and Elise are driving to the police station. "Well, there's only one person who will know where Dan is." said Elise. "Yep, his probation officer. What was his name again?" asked Chris. "Oh, it's Sean Presidio." Elise answers. "Weird name." Chris concedes. "His last name is like the title of that movie The Presidio." Elise said. Driving up to the police station, Elise and Chris parked their car and walked inside.

Having to remove all their belongings and put it through a metal detector, Chris and Elise tell the officer they are here to talk to Sean Presidio. The officer leads them to Sean Presidio's office. At his desk, he greets Elise and Chris.

"Oh, Chris and Elise. How's Dan doing?" asked Sean Presidio. "That's the thing. He went missing." Chris tells the probation officer. "Yes, it's true. And we need your help to your help to find him at once." said Elise. "Well, you guys came to the right place. Sean Presidio! At your service!" Sean Presidio jokes.

Leading Chris and Elise to his car, "We'll drive around LA to see if anyone has seen him." Sean Presidio suggested. "We know all of Dan's hangout spots." said Chris. "Let's try the bowling alley first." Elise says. Driving to he Bowling Alley, Chris, Sean, and Elise go inside. They ask the people there if they've seen Dan. Some were scared at the mention of his name. Most people at the bowling alley didn't even know who Dan was.

"No leads here." said Sean Presidio. "I got it. The mall! We'll try that place." said Chris. "Good idea. He terrorizes people there anyway." agreed Elise.

At Lake Hoohah. Dan was stomping around trying to find the Otter Family. "I'll teach that fucking Otter family for showing up on my TV!" Dan grumbles. Along the way, Dan sees the characters as we walks by. Scootch Raccoon, Pinch Raccoon, Munchy Beaver, Cap'n Crane, Connie Crane, Ootsie and Bootsie, and their parents Georgina and Edouard all look at Dan like he was strange.

"Mommy! Who is that mean man!" said Ootsie. "I haven't the slightest clue." said Edouard. "He's talking to himself." said Bootsie. "He's crazy. We must stay away from him." said Georgina.


"He said a bad word!" cries Ootsie! "I wanna go home!" cried Bootsie. Edouard and Georgina take Ootsie and Bootsie home. "We'll never tell a stranger let alone a human where the Otter family is!" said Scootch Raccoon.

"Why don't you leave us all alone and go back to where you came from!" Pinch Raccoon joins in. Munchy Beaver, Connie Crane, Cap'n Crane, try to block Dan's path.

"You'll have to get past us if you ever want to see the Otter Family!' Munchy Beaver warns. Dan just shoves them all aside. "That won't be a problem!" Scootch and Pinch Raccoon look at Dan in a shocking way. "We have to warn someone!" said Pinch Raccoon. "Maybe not," said Connie Crane. "We have to! The Otter family is in danger!" said Cap'n Crane. "We don't know what this guy wants with them." said Munchy Beaver. "It's better just to give him a benefit of a doubt!" said Scootch Raccoon.

"You guys won't help me find the Otter family! Fine! I'll just find someone who fucking will!" Dan screams at the PB and J Otter characters. "Gosh I fucking hate all these pukey cutsie characters." Dan stomps by and continues to grumble to himself.

In LA, Chris, Elise, and Sean Presidio were still going around Dan's hangout places. Including a back alley with a vending machine. "Hmmm, nobody here." Chris said. "I know another place. Griffith Park!" Elise said. Sean Presidio agrees to drive to Griffith Park. They see no sign of Dan anywhere. Then the beach. Nothing. The dentist office. Nothing. The Mummy museum. Nothing. The art school. Nothing. Always coming up short. "Sorry, guess we're on a wild goose chase." Sean Presidio tells Chris and Elise.

"There is one more place we haven't checked." says Chris. "The animal shelter!" Elise said. "Okay, animal shelter! Here we come!" Sean Presidio says. Spending all day trying to look for Dan. Their last hope in finding him was the animal shelter. "Oh please. Just hope nothing bad happened to him." said Elise. "Still think he may have been abducted. Or even killed." said Chris.

"Here's the deal. If we don't find Dan at the animal shelter, we'll file a missing person's report." Sean Presidio tells Chris and Elise.

Driving to the animal shelter and parking his police car. Sean Presidio, Chris, and Elise walk inside. "Just pray that we find him." Chris says. Even though Dan has put Chris and Elise through hell with his revenge quests. Chris and Elise still have a soft spot for Dan.


At Lake Hoohah. Dan was having a hard time trying to find the house of the Otter family. "Ooooh! When I get my hands on that Otter family. I'll blow their shit faced heads off!" Dan screams.

"Uhh, excuse me sir. Did you just say you were looking for the Otter family." asked Mayor Jeff.

"Yes! Can you show me how to get there?" asks Dan.

"Of course I can! I'm the Mayor of Lake Hoohah! I know where everyone lives!" said Mayor Jeff.

"Great! Perfect!" said Dan.

"However, why do you want to see them?" asked Mayor Jeff.

"Uhhh, because I am a.....uhh....uhh....Pizza Delivery man! I have to get a pizza over to them. Yeah that's it!" said Dan.

"Then come follow me I can take you to them!" said Mayor Jeff.

"YES!" Dan says to himself.

Mayor Jeff leads Dan to a boat in the river. Dan boards the boat and Mayor Jeff drives it. Dan secretly looks at his gun.

"What was that in your pocket?" asked Mayor Jeff.

"Oh nothing! Don't worry about it!" snickers Dan.

Having no suspicion about Dan. Mayor Jeff sails the boat straight to the house of the Otter family. The boat stops at the Otter house. Dan was running to the house to complete his revenge mission. "So long!" Mayor Jeff waves.

At the animal shelter, Sean Presidio, Elise, and Chris walked out and came up short. "We've searched everywhere for Dan." said Elise. "Imagine disappearing on your birthday. A day that supposed to be happy." said Chris. "Well, that's the thing. Crime never takes a holiday." said Sean Presidio who then had an idea. "When was the last time you saw, Dan?" he asked.

"In his apartment. We had a birthday party for him." answers Chris. "I see. That's the one place we need to look for evidence! Like maybe a sign of a struggle or if there's DNA." said Sean Presidio. "Think you're onto something there. Let's go back to his apartment to see what we can find." said Elise.

Sean Presidio, Elise and Chris all drive back home to the apartment complex where they lived. At Dan's apartment. Sean Presidio was searching around for clues even dusted for fingerprints.

"This is really becoming quite a mystery like The Night House." said Chris. Elise then finds the two remotes from earlier. The universal remote that the kid used to taunt Dan and the remote to the HDTV.

"You might want to try to find some DNA on that universal remote." suggested Elise. "Good idea. Could be the kidnapper or whatever probably struck Dan cold with it." said Sean Presidio.

As Sean Presidio got the remote, when he was investigating the device he, by accident touched a button. The button then transported Sean Presidio, Elise, and Chris into Lake Hoohaw.

"Holy shit! What the hell just happened!" yelps Chris. "I don't know. Think that remote transported us to another world!" said Elise. "Ha! As far out as this is. Things are beginning to make sense now." said Sean Presidio.

"What do you mean?" asks Chris. "This remote is a universal remote. So maybe someone probably was using it to taunt Dan," begins the probation officer.

"Yes, and..." said Elise.

"My guess is the culprit wanted Dan to find it so he could vanish." said Sean Presidio. "What does that mean?" asked Chris. "That means Dan is here. The universal remote must have taken him to this place. Whatever it is." explains Sean Presidio..

"Where the hell are we? The Land of OZ?" asks Elise sarcastically. "Sure as hell doesn't look like Kansas to me." said Chris.

Walking around Lake Hoohah the three of them begin to realize they are in the world of PB and J Otter.

"Hey, I know what this place is! Lake Hoohah!" said Chris. "How do you know?" asked Elise. "This is the land of PB and J Otter. I used to watch it when I was a kid." said Chris.

"At least we know where we are now." implies Elise. "Come on, we have nothing to lose. Dan has got to be around here someplace." said Sean Presidio.

Inside the Otter house, the Otter family was having family game night. "Okay Peanut! It's your turn." said Jelly Otter. "Oh boy!" said Peanut. Ernest and Opal Otter heard a door break down. Leaving the Otter family very startled.

Dan bursts through the door with a gun pointed at the Otter family. "Uhh, uhh, uhh, who are you?" asked Opal nervously.

"The person who is going to brutalize you!" Dan screeches.

Ernest asks, "Brutalize? But why?"

"Because you asshole Otters keep coming up on the HDTV when I want to watch a porn!" Dan yelled.

"What's a porn?" asked Baby Butter Otter. "You don't want to know." said Jelly.

"Think it has something to do with adults!" said Peanut.

"NOW! That I have you right where I want you! I am going to use this gun and shoot you one by one!" Dan screams pointing the gun. Peanut, Jelly, and Baby Otter were terrified out of their wits.

"Are we going to die, Mommy?" asked Peanut. "It's really hard to tell." said Opal. "Look, if you want to rob us, take whatever...." Ernest begins. "SSSHHHUUUUTTTT UUUUUUPPPPPP!" Dan screams.

From far away, Sean Presidio, Elise, and Chris hear Dan's screaming.

"That's Dan all right." said Chris. "Whatever did the PB and J Otter characters do that made him so angry?" wondered Elise.

"Now is a good time to investigate. When we reach where ever Dan is I can try to negotiate with him." said Sean Presidio.


A car driven by Edouard and Georgina stopped by Chris, Elise, and Sean Presidio. "Hey look, Edouard! That creatures look a lot like that man we saw in the JERK shirt." said Georgina.

"Did you just say you saw a man in a JERK shirt?" asked Chris. "Yeah we did." said Georgina. "He said he was looking for the Otter family." said Edouard.

"Can you take us to the Otter residence?" said Elise. "Yes we can. Get in." said Georgina. Chris, Elise, and Sean Presidio all packed themselves into Edouard's and Georgina's car and drove them to the Otter family house.

Meanwhile at the Otter house, Dan was shooting up their house with a gun. "PLEASE STOP! YOU'RE SCARING THE CHILDREN!" shrieked Opal. "How did we get on your TV!" asked Ernest. "Oh you don't know? Some punk kid had a universal remote who kept putting your stupid ass show on my HDTV!" shouted Dan.

"That isn't out fault...." Peanut says trying to reason with Dan. "STOP! Please no trying to do anything, Peanut! Don't try to be a hero!" Jelly warns him. Baby Butter was crying non stop with good reason. Dan points his gun at each of the Otter family. "Hmmm, which one should I kill first." Dan ponders to himself. Luck was on the side of Chris, Elise, and Sean Presidio when Edouard and Georgina dropped them all off at the Otter house.

"This is the place." said Georgina. "Hope you can stop that mad man. Last thing we need in Lake Hoohah is criminals like him." said Edouard. "Never fear, I work for the authorities where I am from." said Sean Presidio to the Poodles. Edouard and Georgina drive off, Chris waves goodbye to them, "Hope you guys come back to television one day! I loved your show! It was great meeting you!"

Dan points the gun at Ernest..."Eenie,"...then Dan points the gun at Opal..."Meenie," Dan points the gun at Peanut...."Miney," Just as Dan was about to point his gun at Jelly, she whimpers, "Well, we'll be together in heaven soon....."

Before anything harm can be inflicted, Sean Presidio jumped though the window of the Otter family home and tackled Dan.

"AAAAHHH! SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!" Dan screams. "We are what happened!" Elise said standing over Dan.

"Who are you people? And where did you come from?" asked Ernest and Opal.

"We are from a place called The Real World." Chris said who can't help but be star struck.

"We're here to save you." said Elise. Dan realized that Sean Presidio his probation officer was on top of him. "Officer Presidio! What the hell!" Dan said with shock.

"We came looking for you, Dan." said Elise. "Yeah, and why did you want to kill the Otter family? Look how cute they are!" said Chris. "You have some explaining to do." Sean Presidio said. Peanut and Jelly stare blankly at Dan. "That's what we'd like to know." said Peanut. "Didn't you say something about a remote?" asked Jelly.

"Okay. When I was trying out my birthday present my HDTV. I wanted to watch Deep Throat...." Dan explains then Baby Butter Otter walked around saying, "DEEP THROAT DEEP THROAT!"

"Once I found Deep Throat and tried to watch it, suddenly, that stupid ass PB and J Otter kept coming on. Then I saw it was some punk kid playing a prank on me. So I ran out and the kid dropped his remote and then I pressed a button on the remote. Next thing I knew I was here. Not going to lie, before I came here I wanted revenge on this Otter family...."

"Fine, you said enough." said Sean Presidio. "But why try to hurt us?" asked Peanut. "Yeah, we never did anything to you." said Jelly. "We don't even know you!" said Ernest. "It's that kid you ought to be mad at, not us!" said Peanut.

"So, what is going to happen now?" asked Opal. "Well, Dan. I can't press any charges against you since this is another world. So I'll let you off with a warning." said Sean Presidio.

"All right." said Dan hanging his head. The Otter family were clearly traumatized over what just occurred. "If only there was a way we can forgot about all of this." said Ernest.

"There is." said Chris who takes the universal remote. Pressing a button, the Otter family home was restored back to it's former glory. "Wow Chris, that was wonderful!" said Elise. "Before we go back to our world. I am a huge fan from way back! Can I have your autographs?" asked Chris to the Otter family.

"He watched your show when he was a child from what I gather." said Sean Presidio.


As Dan, Chris, Elise, and Sean Presidio say goodbye to Lake Hoohah. Chris was pleased that he got an autographed photo of all the PB and J Otter characters.

"In a way this is sort of like my birthday!" laughs Chris. "Don't be a egotist, Chris." said Dan. Elise presses the remote control and before they knew it, they were all back in LA.

"Ahhh! Home sweet home! And porn sweet porn!" said Dan. "I hope you learned a lesson from this, Dan! I'm going back to the police station. I don't want to hear about any of your insanity ever again!' said Sean Presidio as he departs.

"Perhaps we ought to destroy the universal remote." said Elise. "Uhh, how about I keep it and take out the batteries?" asked Dan. "OKay sure. The garbage is coming tomorrow so you can throw it away then." said Chris. "Have fun, Dan. Happy birthday." said Elise. Chris and Elise went back to their apartment.

Dan begins to get an evil look on his face with the remote control. Seeing the kid from before sliding down the street on a scooter. Dan uses the universal remote and aimed at it the kid. Dan cheers when the kid vanished the same way he did.

"YES! Best birthday ever! My most favorite birthday present! REVENGE!" Dan said slyly.

The kid was now in another world. Much different from LA. The kid looks around and he is in an empty grassy field.

"HELLO? ANYONE HERE!?" the kid screams.

Feeling alone and frightened the kid tries to look for someone to talk to. Then he bumps into someone. The kid looks at the kid he bumps into. It was Ash Ketchum from Pokemon.

"Hey, kid! You lost!" asked Ash. "Uhhh, yes. Where am I?" asked the kid to Ash. "Welcome to Pokemon land! How about you join me on a fun adventure and help me catch them all!" Ash tells the kid.

Pikachu comes to the kid and jumps all over him, "PIKA! PIKA! PIKACHU!" The kid runs far away and yells, "GET ME OUTTA HERE! I HATE POKEMON!!!!"

Ash looks at Pikachu and asks, "What was with him?" "Pika.." responds Pikachu. "Ahhh, who cares! Let's just try to find the next Pokemon gym!" says Ash.

Dan had gotten his revenge on the person that he should've gone after this whole time. The real culprit. The kid with the universal remote who was now trapped in Pokemon Land.
Perhaps forever...
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