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Paradise PD



Fanfic Title:



Legion of ROOOOOOCK!



In the neighborhood where the Crawford family resided. Everyone on the block except for the Crawfords were having a yard sale. Kevin was looking out his living room window seeing all their neighbors having a yard sale. Feeling left out. Kevin decides to talk to his father, Randall.


Kevin: Everybody gets to have a yard sale expect us. Just like every year. Uhhh, Dad? (sighs)


Randall: Yes, what do you want now? Do you need my help with something you could so easily do yourself?


Kevin: Why is it everybody is having a yard sale except for us?


Randall: We've been through this a million fucking times, Kevin. Our family does NOT do yard sales!


Kevin: But, what's the reason? Everybody else is doing it.


Randall: If everybody else jumped off a bridge would you?


Kevin: No, that's not the point Dad.


Randall: Here's the thing, I am a police chief, and your mother is the Mayor.


Kevin: What does that have to do with anything?


Randall: We just don't want to come across to any of the neighbors that we're cheap and trashy people.


Kevin: So in other words you want to make it seem like we Crawfords are the best in the neighborhood?


Randall: Exactly.


Kevin decides to go through with the yard sale anyway. Looking through some times in the Crawford house Randall and Karen barely use anymore.


Randall: HEY! What do you think you're DOING?!


Kevin: I'm feeling left out, so I am having a yard sale. You guys never use this stuff no more.


Randall: Uhhh, sure. Okay Kevin. Go ahead and have your yard sale.


Kevin: Yes! Thanks Dad.


Randall: You need a sign to attract attention though....


Listening to Randall, Kevin gets a black marker and some white cardboard paper.


Kevin: Oh.......just one problem Dad.....


Randall: What is it?


Kevin: How do you spell 'garage'?


Randall: GOD DAMMIT KEVIN! It's been six months since you graduated from high school and you don't know how to spell a simple word like 'garage'?


Kevin: Actually no, Dad. It's just one of those words I've never learned to spell.


Randall: All right.


Kevin: I'll ask again. How do you spell 'garage'?


Randall: Uhhh..... S-H-I-T Garage!


Kevin: Thanks Dad!


Using the black marker to write the words SHIT SALE on the white cardboard. Kevin prepares for his first ever yard sale. In a little while. Kevin was out in the garage about to embark on his first ever yard sale. All the stuff Kevin was selling was on the lounge tables and chairs. People who were in the neighborhood walked out of the other yard sales to check out Kevin's. The only looks Kevin got were ones with disgusted looked on their faces.


Kevin: The hell? Why is everybody looking at me like that?


Robbie and Delbert come to the neighborhood to see Kevin's new yard sale.


Kevin: You looking to buy something guys?


Robbie (looks at sign): Wow! This yard sale Kevin is having really lives up to it's name.


Delbert (looks at sign): Got that right, Robbie. There's nothing here I want.


Kevin: 'Live up to it's name?' What does that mean?


Robbie: I'm bored already. Wanna go to Hooters, Delbert?


Delbert: Glad to. (walks away with Robbie)


Kevin was disappointed that Robbie and Delbert have ditched his yard sale. Bullet, Gina, and Dusty come.


Gina: Why aren't you and your father at work, twat waffle?


Kevin: Oh hey guys. Welcome to my yard sale. Want to buy anything?


Dusty (looks at the sign and giggles): No, not really.


Bullet: Haven't gotten any business yet I see.


Kevin: Yeah, people just stare at me. They get shocked and mad for some reason.


Gina: You can read right?


Kevin: Yeah. Who couldn't?


Dusty: You should know why people aren't coming to your yard sale.....


Bullet: That sign has something to do with it.


Kevin: What are you talking about? The sign says 'Garage Sale'.


Gina (scoffs): No it doesn't....


Kevin: Of course it does why....


Dusty: Look again.


Kevin takes the sign and shows it to Bullet, Gina, and Dusty.


Bullet: That does not say 'Garage Sale.'


Kevin: YES IT DOES! Why are you guys trying to fight with me about this?!


Dusty: First up, garage is spelled g-a-r-a-g-e!


Kevin: But Dad told me it was spelled....


Bullet: Does the word garage begin with an S?


Kevin: Yeah.


Gina: You dumbass! That doesn't say Garage Sale!


Kevin: Okay! Mister and Misses Experts and Know It Alls! What does the sign say?!


Bullet, Dusty, and Gina (together): SHIT SALE!


Taking a better look at the sign he wrote, Kevin's heart felt like it sank into his stomach.


Kevin: SHIT SALE?!?!?! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


Randall comes running out.


Kevin: How could you do this to me, Dad?


Randall: Take this stuff back in the house and get ready for work.





Scene 2:



At Paradise City Hall. Karen was signing bills into laws.


Karen: Nothing like a good old rubber stamp.


Anton walks in.


Karen: Oh, hey Anton.


Anton: Have some wonderful news.


Karen: Okay, what is it?


Anton: Do you ever watch HDTV?


Karen: Oh yes. It's one of my favorite channels.


Anton: I signed up for one of those their shows.


Karen: Wow! That's exciting.


Anton: You see, I want to get my house renovated. Problem is, I don't know anyone around who could agree to do it.


Karen: I know some people who can help.


Anton: Really? Who?


Karen: Look no further. Why not ask the Paradise PD if they will be on the show?


Anton: Ja! Perfect idea! The Paradise PD can help me!


Karen: I'll take you over there and you can ask them if they'll do.


Anton: Right on!


Karen drives Anton over to the Paradise PD Police Precient. Randall was there in the conference room.


Randall: The reason we were late was because I wanted to show Kevin that we can't afford to be seen as lower class.


Kevin: Just wanted to keep up with the neighbors!


Randall: That's enough Kevin.


Bullet: Chief Randall. What is on our agenda today?


Stanley: Agenda? I had one with William Taft once. If you know what I mean.


Gina: There's gotta be some crime around here somewhere.


Dusty: Have we been up to date on Fitz the Kingpin lately?


Randall was about to go over the latest assignment, just then Karen and Anton walk in.


Karen: Anton has an announcement to make.


Anton: Ladies and gentlemen. Kevin excluded. I am going to have my house renovated.


Karen: Yes you heard him right. He's signed up with one of those HDTV Home and Garden shows. Which one was it.


Anton: That one where you have your friends fix your house for you. Friends With Benefits!


Bullet (bursts out laughing): Isn't there a movie called that? Love the name.


Anton: What I am saying is I am inviting you all the Paradise PD to help me upgrade mein house while I'm away on vacation visiting my family in Germany.


Bullet: A chance for us to be on TV! I'll do it!


Gina: Count me in too!


Dusty: I'd like to come!


Anton: All of you are coming!


Kevin: Sounds like fun! I know you hate me, Anton. I'm coming too.


Anton: Of course you're coming, Kevin! I'm only bringing you along for comic relief.


Karen: Production of Friends With Benefits begins tomorrow! So be there!


Randall: Forget about crime! We're going to be on TV!


Stanley, Gina, Bullet, Randall, Kevin, and Dusty all cheer at the idea of appearing on an HDTV Show and helping Anton upgrade his house.




Scene 3:


On the other side of the city of Paradise. There was an RV and Trailer Expo going on at the Civic Center. Fitz, Brett, and their adopted daughter Zeta were there spending hours looking around. Fitz and Brett had popcorn and soda. Zeta did as well and she was carrying a balloon on the string. There were even rides there.


Fitz: If only Thester were alive to see this day.


Brett: Still can't get over him I see. (rolls eyes)


Zeta: Wow! These places used to be boring for me. But you Daddy Fitz and Uncle Brett have made it fun!


Fitz: Everything has been better since I adopted you!


Zeta: Yeah!


Brett: So are we going to get an RV or what?


Fitz: Not until I find the perfect one.


Zeta sees some rides.


Brett: Hey, Zeta. Why don't you go check out those rides while Fitz and I find an RV!


Zeta: Awesome cool! (runs off)


Fitz: This one will be perfect! Enough to fit all of us in.


The RV Fitz has his eyes on was seven feet wide and a blackish brown color.


Brett: We'll be selling meth in style with this.


Fitz: Oh yes! We can travel across the country in this RV and be like The Griswalds!


Brett: We'll be cooler than them!


Fitz: More competent too.


A salesman walks up to Fitz and Brett.


Brett: (to the salesman): How much for this black brown RV?


Salesman: $5000.


Fitz: Make is $3000 and we have a deal. (points a gun at the salesman)


Later on when their time at the RV Expo was done. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta had all the Legion of DOOOOOM members looking at the RV they had bought for cross country meth selling. Pedro Pooptooth and Frank Flipperfist were there. Puffy the Cigarette, Marcos Narcos and the Russian Mobster were absent.


Frank: This isn't going to be like that Robin Williams movie where he had an RV is it?


Fitz: Nothing like that at all.


Pedro: But before we can sell our meth on that thing. We need to become popular somehow, Puto.


Brett: Yeah, we know.


Fitz: Pedro you just made me think of a great idea!


Frank: Yeah sure. Give him all the credit. What about all the ideas I've had over the times I've worked for you?


Fitz: No, Pedro is right. We need to make ourselves popular somehow.


Zeta: That way people will want to buy from Daddy Fitz.


Brett: I know how.


Fitz: Tell us at once.


Brett: We become a rock band!


Zeta: Ooooh! Uncle Brett that sounds like so much fun!


Fitz: But, rock really isn't that popular much anymore.


Brett: I know! Perhaps we can be a cover band.


Frank: What songs do we do?


Brett: How about those 1990s alternative rock songs that never got any attention.


Fitz: Brett, that's excellent!


Frank: We going to cover songs by Nirvana or the Smashing Pumpkins?


Brett: No not THOSE bands! I mean those one hit wonders.


Pedro: Shouldn't we do rap instead?


Fitz: No No No. It's fine. I'm okay with doing rock and roll. However we need a place for people to see our band.


Frank: A talk show would be cool.


Fitz: Good good! I know which one we can go on.


Zeta: Hope not The View. My stupid mom used to watch that.


Fitz: Oh no. We won't go on those daytime talk shows that are aimed at sad housewives.


Frank: Which one do you suggest, Kingpin?


Fitz: As long as we got the RV. We are going to perform on The Jerry Springer Show. (laughs evilly)




Scene 4:



Outside Anton's house. There was a camera crew for the show Friends With Benefits. The host was Chuck Berris who appears as a rotten corpse.


Chuck Berris: I am here in Paradise Georgia. Outside the house of Anton....


Bullet: It's that Gong Show host. I thought he was dead.


Randall: My gosh you're right.


Dusty: Although he's moldy and dead he is still working!


Gina: Could be worse. At least it's not Ed Mcmahon.


Kevin: Oh look, they're about to introduce us!


Stanley: A game show host hey? I used to Wheel Pat Sajak's Fortune!


Chuck Berris: My dead body was reanimated. So that's how I'm able to get these hosting gigs. Anyway, without further ado. Let's meet the friends who are going to redecorate his house. It's the local police department themselves, The Paradise PD! Please welcome, Randall Crawford.

As Dusty, Stanley, Gina, Kevin, Bullet, and Randall were all introduced. One by one they ran to the front yard of Anton's house.


Randall (gives the middle finger): I'm the Police Chief so I come first!


Chuck Berris: Stanley Hopson.


Stanley: This Old Gray Mare IS what it used to be!


Chuck Berris: Kevin Crawford.


Kevin: Thank you! Thank you! Good to be here!


Chuck Berris: Gina Jabowski!


Gina: Mama's gonna fix this home, bitches!


Chuck Berris: Dusty Marlow!


Dusty (singing): Don't you know a home should, always make you feel good!


Chuck Berris: Last but not least. The drug sniffing German Shephard. Bullet!


Bullet was no where to be seen.


Gina: Bullet! Where are you!


Kevin: You've just been announced.


Bullet (running to the front yard): Sorry. I just got a little hungry.....


Chuck Berris notices his penis fell off.


Randall: What are you eating there?


Bullet: Sure isn't Arby's!


Chuck Berris: Holy mother fucker! You're eating my penis!


Bullet (swallows): Oops! Too late.


Chuck Berris: Oh hell. I'll deal with that later. On with the show. And welcome to FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS!


The camera crew were filming the Paradise PD as they were entering Anton's house.


Randall: Listen! We need to make a good impression here. Considering we're on national television.


Bullet: Randall is right. We need to do everything we can to boost high ratings.


Kevin: It's a plan. So, where do we begin?


Stanley: I say the bathroom.


Gina: Bathroom it is!


Randall, Bullet, Gina, Stanley, Dusty and Kevin all ran up to Anton's bathroom.


Chuck Berris: Damn that fuck hound for eating my penis. Shit! I forgot I was filming. So, anyway. The Paradise PD is going to fix the bathroom first.


Randall: Now I don't want any fuck ups!


Kevin: Who are you talking to, Dad?


Randall: Just talking to the shit for brains around here.


Dusty: I think he means you, Kevin.


Randall: Damn straight I mean Kevin. With him around this project will end up like The Money Pit.


Kevin: I promise not to screw up, Dad.


Gina: Oh boy! This is going to be fun destroying this bathroom.


Bullet (walks in with tools): They gave us this tools!


Kevin and Randall look around the tools and find tiles and paint.


Randall (looks around the tools): Tiles and paint! This is all we need!


Gina: Guess this means we won't be breaking up this bathroom.


Dusty: Just do what Randall says. He knows what he's doing.





Scene 5:



In the Kingpin's Limo. It was driving to a Men's Correctional Facility.


Frank: Why are we performing for a men's prison?


Fitz: Gotta begin somewhere.


Brett: Prison has our type of people here.


Pedro: Which song are we going to sing?


Zeta: We'll figure it out when we get there.


Fitz: Our band name is the same as our drug empire. Instead of Legion of DOOOOOM. We'll be the Legion of ROOOOCK!


Brett: I love it.


Parking in the lot of the prison. Then entering. Fitz tells the warden they are an aspiring rock band who wants to perform for the inmates. The warden lets them in. At the cafeteria. The prisoners were all gathered around to see the Legion of ROOOOOCK perform.


Frank (entering the stage): Want to know what we should do? Put ourselves in glass cases then have one of us get stuck like in This Is Spinal Tab.


Fitz: We'll do that when we get to the Jerry Springer show.


Brett: First lets impress these prisoners.


Warden: Now! Keep your mouths shut and listen to this band perform! I hereby present to you, the Legion of ROOOOOCK.


Fitz plays lead guitar. Brett plays bass. Frank plays the drums, and Pedro plays the saxophone. Zeta sits on the stage watching them perform.


Brett: Hello, Paradise Georgia.


The inmates cheer.


Fitz: We are the Legion of ROOOOOCK!


Pedro: Today we'll be playing one hit wonder 90's songs.


Fitz: And a one and a two and a.....


The Legion of ROOOOOCK began to perform. The song they were singing to the inmates were Everything About You By Ugly Kid Joe. The inmates loved it. When the song was done. Fitz was approached by a band manager.


Band Manager: Say, great performance you did out there. The crowd loved it!


Fitz: Why thank you.


Band Manager: If you sign this contract. You can perform live on a live show of your choice!


Brett: Sign it, Fitz. This is exactly what we planned for.


Fitz: It's a done deal!


Signing the papers. Fitz, Brett, Zeta, Pedro, and Frank all leave the prison.


Zeta: Can't believe we got so lucky, Daddy Fitz!


Fitz: Yes. Luck is absolutely on our side!


Brett: Now we can put that RV into good use.


Fitz: All part of the scheme Brett. People will listen to our music. They'll love us SO MUCH! That they will buy our meth from us!




Scene 6:



At Anton's house, The Paradise PD have just finished the bathroom. The camera crew comes inside. Chuck Berris's corpse does as well.



Randall: Check out the awesome job we did with this bathroom!



Bullet: Not going to lie. I sniffed the glue we used for the tiles.



The bathroom, despite having the tiles put up neatly, the painted bathtub looked like a disaster.



Gina: For the bathtub we painted it mustard yellow!



Stanley: Shit brindle would have been better if you ask me. It's a real color. Look it up!



The camera crew and Chuck Berris looked at the 'fixed up' bathroom in confusion.



Chuck Berris: Uhh, good job. You were the right people to pick for this. Heh....heh.....



Kevin: OKay, where to next?



Dusty: The living room!



Gina: Oh boy! Now I can really bust up some walls!



Chuck Berris and the camera crew follow the Paradise PD into the living room. Dusty finds a note.



Dusty: Oh check this out, guys.



Bullet: A note? What does it say?



Dusty (reads): While I'm away and you are all redecorating my house. I want a Dish Network Satellite Dish put up on my roof. Signed Anton.



Bullet: Gosh this asshole is stuck in the past. Why doesn't this loser get one of those HDTVs with apps?



Kevin: I don't think we're supposed to diss him on national television, Bullet.



Randall: Here's the deal. Kevin, Gina and I will redecorate the living room. Dusty and Bullet. You guys install the Dish Network.



Dusty: You got it, boss!



Momentarily, Kevin had a bucket and a mop and was mopping the floors with paint. Gina was carrying the Dish Network and threw it to Dusty and Bullet on the roof.



Gina: Yo, catch twat waffles!



The Dish Network was caught by Dusty. Bullet stands by.



Dusty: Question is, how do we install this?



Bullet: Hammer and nails I guess.



As Kevin was mopping the floors with paint, Randall slips.



Randall: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!



The bucket of paint lands on Randall's head.



Kevin: Dad! Oh my gosh I am so sorry! I should've told you not to step there.



Randall: GOD DAMMIT KEVIN! Now look what you did!



Standing covered from head to toe with paint, Randall walks into the kitchen. Chuck Berris and the camera crew were stunned at the job the Paradise PD were doing. As well as their attitudes towards one another and the job they were chosen to do. Randall, although still covered in paint, decides to paint the floor with a mop.



Randall: Fucking paint! How in the fuck am I going to get all this off?



Kevin: I didn't know you were coming. Now what should I do?



Randall: Go help Dusty and Bullet with the Sateillite Dish.



Kevin: OKay, Dad.




Gina (putting up curtains): Come on! This is boring ass bull shit! When are we going to get to the fun part!




Chuck Berris (to the camera crew): These probably weren't the right people for the job.




Camera Crew Member: We will probably get low ratings for this episode.




Chuck Berris: Won't be surprised if we do.




Camera Crew Member: Gosh these Paradise PD folks are a bunch of shitheads!




Chuck Berris: You're telling me! I'll be glad when this is over to be honest!




Camera Crew Member: What the fuck was in this Anton guy's mind when he hired these asstards!




Chuck Berris: I have no idea.




Scene 7:



In the RV on route to the Jerry Springer Show which was located in Chicago Illinois. The Russian Mobster was driving there. Along the way, The Legion of ROOOOCK along with Zeta who announced whenever they were going to play. The Legion of ROOOOOOCK were performing their music in gigs like colleges, state parks, stadiums and any place else they can find. Fitz, Brett, Frank, and Pedro were playing underrated 90's alternative rock songs such as Pretend We're Dead by L7. Outtasite Outta Mind By Wilco. Shuffle it All By Izzy Stradlin and The Juju Hounds. 21st Century (Digital Boy) By Bad Religion. Hit Liquor By Shudder To Think. Feed The Tree By Belly. Start Chopping By Dinosaur Jr. Even songs from girl bands such as Old Timer by That Dog and Pat's Trick by Helium. Their band proved to be a success. All those underrated songs were a major hit again thanks to Gerald Fitzgerald, Brett DeMarco, Frank Flipperfist, and Pedro Pooptooth. In a park in Kentucky just on their way to Chicago. Fans to lined up for autographs.



Fitz: Won't you look at this Legion of ROOOOOCK! They love us!



Zeta: We have adoring fans all right! All these 90s music you guys are playing makes me wish I lived back then.



Pedro: Hope they don't kidnap us and tie us all to beds and break our feet.



Brett: You mean like in Misery?



Pedro: Yes Puto.



Frank (signing an autograph): Thank you! Thank you! You've been a great audience!



Brett (with a bag in his hand): Now it's time.



Pedro: Time for what, Puto?



Brett: Oh you'll see! Attention fans! If you want an autograph I can give you this complementary candy!



All the fans lined up for autographs had wads of cash in their hands willing to pay for the 'candy'.



Fitz: Damn Brett! Tricking people into spending money like that! That was amazing what you did!



Brett: That 'candy' is something they're really going to want more of!



Zeta: That candy is really our drugs I bet!



Fitz (calls out): That is they'll keep listening to our music! If you guys want more of that candy, keep listening to our music!



The crowd cheers.



Frank: Way too clever of a plan.



Zeta: We going to Jerry Springer next?



Fitz: Oh yes we shall!



Frank: We're already halfway there.



Pedro: I'll be glad to get out of Kentucky!



Zeta: If we go there, we could get huge ratings and more people will listen to your band and get your candy!



Fitz: You're right. Zeta my smart and clever daughter. I taught you too well. The next episode of Jerry Springer will be a memorable one indeed! (evil snicker)




Scene 8:



The camera crew and Chuck Berris were outside Anton's house.



Chuck Berris: Things seem really quiet as of now. Wonder what's going on?



Randall, still covered from the paint left a trial of paint since he fell into it. Dusty and Bullet used a power drill and hammers to install the Dish Network.



Kevin: Did you guys hook up that satillite?



Bullet: Yes we have.



Kevin: I do know you need wires to hook it up.



Dusty: There's some wires in the tool bag.



Going to the tool bag, Kevin gets some wires. Going inside Anton's house, Kevin begins to pound the walls with a sledgehammer.



Gina: The hell you doing, Kevin?



Kevin: Dusty and Bullet installed that Dish Network thing. So I am pounding holes into the wall so the wires can connect.



Gina (scoffs): Whatever.....(walks off)



Bullet gets off the roof, Randall goes to see Kevin pounding holes into walls.



Randall: What on God's Green Earth are you DOING?!



Kevin (startled): Who ME?



Randall (mocking Kevin): YES YOU!



Kevin: We need these holes so the wires to the Dish Network can go in.



Gina: You're nearly damaging the house there, dude!



Stanley: Oh fiddle shits! Anton's is going to give you such an ass whoopin' when he says that. Ass whoopins are so much fun!



Randall: Stanley has a point there.....



Bullet (walks into living room): What up with those holes!




Randall: How are you going to explain to Anton about these holes in his walls? (stares into Kevin's eyes with anger)



Kevin: Uhhhh, beaver?!



Stanley: Beaver? I used to have one of them!



Gina (laughs at Kevin) : He'll believe you about that all right. If this whole thing goes to shit. You'll be the one Anton blames for this!



Bullet: Beaver? Hmmm, partly plausible I guess. Those holes do look like vaginas. I'm on Kevin's side on this.



Kevin: Thank you, Bullet! About time someone was. (laughs nervously)



Hearing everyone lambaste Kevin, Dusty tries to get down from the roof.



Dusty: Oh no! A fight is about to break out! I gotta be the one to stop this.



The roof was cracking underneath Dusty. Chuck Berris and the camera crew were watching everything.



Camera Crew Member: Guess it's safe to say these guys are screwed.



Chuck Berris: So are our ratings! For some odd reason, the Jerry Springer show is beating us!



Trying to get down from the roof, Dusty falls though and lands into the living room due to his obesity. The Dish Network lands on Randall's head, but he was okay.



Dusty: I heard you all were fighting? Everything okay?



Stanley: When you fell though the roof that reminded me of Larry Semon.



Gina: No but I am glad you are.



Kevin: Guess I won't be blamed for this.



Chuck Berris and the camera crew run inside.



Bullet: Hey, Chuck Berris. heh heh....



Chuck Berris: You fuckasses! You all demolished this house! Just for that, what you all did. My show was cancelled!



Bullet: No more Friends With Benefits?!



Chuck Berris: That is exactly what I am trying to say! You'll all be known as the worst home renovation people in all of America!



Gina has had enough of Chuck Berris's corpse rambling on.



Chuck Berris: The person you did this for. What do you think he.....



Using her superhuman strength Gina smashes and crushes Chuck Berris's corpse into oblivion. The camera crew sees Gina and runs away in fear.



Camera Crew: Let's get the hell out of here!



Gina: Sorry, I could not stand to that twat waffle bitch at us anymore.



Stanley: Look at the mess we made of this.....



Kevin: How are we going to make up for this.



Dusty: We even made that guy lose his show.



Feeling a wave of regret overwhelm him, Randall speaks out.



Randall: We made a promise to Anton that we will fix up his house. Now look what's happened.



Gina: If Friends With Benefits is cancelled, what was beating it in the ratings?



Randall: That doesn't matter. Anton is going to be so pissed at us when he comes back. Let's face reality here. We're fucks ups. All of us.



Kevin: I never thought of us as fuck ups.



Dusty: Yep, damaged goods, that's us.



Bullet (checks iphone): Think we still have time, guys.



Gina: Really?



Bullet: Got a text from Anton. He won't be back for another week.



Gina: There's still time to fix up his house?



Bullet: Exactly.



Randall: Good to know. That's exactly what we'll do!



Kevin: That's right Dad.




Randall: All of us the Paradise PD will work together to fix this house!



Stanley: Yeah!



Bullet: And Gina, you can finally smash things now. Like wood.



Gina: I'm in for that!



Kevin: If Mel Gibson and Danny Glover did this in those Lethal Weapons movies, so can we!



Randall: Who needs an HDTV show! Come on! Paradise PD! We'll all gather some supplies!



Gina, Bullet, Stanley, Dusty, and Kevin: YYYAAAAYYY!



Deciding to start over. Relieved there was still time left. The Paradise PD are now going to build Anton's house from scratch.






Scene 9:



On the Jerry Springer show. The topic was "I'm Sleeping With My Stripper Stepmom!" The show was about to begin.



Audience: YAY!



Jerry Springer: Good afternoon. Today on my show, we are going to talk about a man who's sleeping with a stripper. Who is also his stepmom! Let's please welcome our guests who join us all the way from Sarasota!



Two men and a woman take the stage. Gunshots were fired. Panic was heard in the audience. Gerald Fitzgerald, Brett DeMarco, Frank Flipperfist, and Pedro Pooptooth all take over the stage and beat up the two men. Zeta was beating up the stripper stepmom. Fitz throws one of the men into the audience. Afterwards, Fitz, Brett, Frank, and Pedro all pick up their musical instirments.



Jerry Springer: What the FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!?!?!?!



Brett (into the microphone): Okay, going on at 5...4....3....2.....



Fitz (into the microphone): Hello Chicago! Hello Jerry Springer Show! Are you ready to rock and roll!



Jerry Springer: I don't know what this is. But I'll allow it!



The audience went back into their seats.



Zeta: Introducing the Legion of ROOOOOCK!



The audience then cheers. Fitz, Brett, Frank, and Pedro begin to play All I Know by The Screaming Trees. When they were done with that song, they decide to play another.



Fitz: The crowd loves us!



Brett: They want more!



Frank: Let's give them what they want!



Pedro: Hit it, putos!




The Legion of ROOOOOCK then plays Filter Take a Picture. The Jerry Springer episode became the highest show in the ratings. The audience has candles then were shouting, "DEATH FUCKING METAL!"



Fitz (during chorus): We are giving these forgotten 1990s songs a second chance at life!



Brett (during chorus): If you want our album. You will also get some complementary candy on us!



Audience: JERRY! JERRY! LEGION OF ROOOOOCK! LEGION OF ROOOOOCK!





Scene 10:



When Friends With Benefits got cancelled the episode they were taping with the Paradise PD renovating Anton's house was quickly pulled from the airwaves. Over the course of three days. The Paradise PD repaired Anton's house. Fitz, Brett, Frank, and Pedro went on tour via their RV putting out albums as selling 'candy' which was meth in disguise whenever people bought their albums. Most of the Legion of ROOOOOCK's fans soon got addicted to the 'candy'. When Anton came back from his vacation, he was very pleased with the results. Randall, Dusty, Kevin, Gina, Stanley, and Bullet were standing outside. Even Karen was there. The crowd of residents of Paradise were watching.



Anton: You all did a fantastich job! All of you!



Crowd: YAY!



Karen: Oh Randall! I am so proud!



Randall: Was happy to do it, Karen!



The crowd cheers now and then after they finished talking.



Dusty: All that hard work and effort and Anton loves the work we did!



Anton: Let me rephrase that, everyone except Kevin did a great job.



Kevin (rolls eyes): He's always going to bully me. No matter what I do.



Anton: Hey, where's TV Crew to Friends With Benefits?



Gina: Uhhh, that's another story for another day!



Randall: Of course! They all got killed in a car accident!



Gina and Randall were able to conjure up a false story.



Anton: Oh that's awful. Sorry to hear.



Dusty: Then the episode we was doing was yanked before it aired.



Anton: Oh!



Karen: Well it doesn't matter.




Bullet: Maybe we didn't need an HDTV Show anyway! Right?



Karen: What does matter is that Anton loves his new house!



Anton goes inside his house and likes what the Paradise PD did with it. Robbie and Delbert were in the crowd.



Robbie: Maybe the Paradise PD can fix our house.



Delbert: I highly doubt it.



Robbie: With our criminal records....



Delbert: No way no how.



Anton runs out of his house and gives a thumbs up. The crowd claps for the Paradise PD. As Randall, Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, Kevin and Gina all took a bow.




Scene 11 Conclusion:



The next day. The Paradise PD were back in Police Headquarters.



Bullet: To quote Plan 9 From Outer Space, "That Was Too Close"!



Randall: Can't believe we got away with breaking his house on national television!



Kevin: Then we'd really be the most hated police force ever!



Gina: Anton had no clue whatsoever we at first broke up his house.



Dusty: Just like in that American Dad episode Adventures In Hayleysitting!



Stanley: Isn't that show like that Family Dad?



Randall: Good point, Dusty. That's one way of putting it!



Kevin: As much fun as we had. I am happy to be back doing police work!



Gina: Now, we can go back defeating the shit out of Fitz The Kingpin! (taking out her nightstick)



Randall: Now nobody in this town can ever say we are low class!


Kevin: Does this mean I can go back to doing yard sales?



Randall: No!



Police Radio: Attention All Units! There is a hostage situation at the local Radio Station! Something about a 1990s cover band called the Legion of ROOOOOCK.



Bullet: Ha! What do you know? A crime for us so soon?



Randall: Ahhh, I love this job!



Gina: You're not the only one!



The Paradise PD all got into their squad cars and drove to the radio station. At the local radio station called WPAR. Fitz, Brett, Frank, Zeta, and Pedro were all holding the people and the DJs hostage.



DJ: You know, there's better ways of getting your band on the air!



Fitz: Shut the fuck up!



Brett: Play our music on your station. Unless you want your brains splattered!



DJ: Okay, What did you say your band's name was?



Frank: Legion of ROOOOOCK!



DJ: Now I know who you are! Your biggest fans are meth heads for some reason!



Pedro: Don't you ever insult our band and our cause like that!



The Paradise PD arrive at the scene.



Zeta: They ratted on us!



Randall: This reminds me of Airheads.



Fitz: We'll inject everyone with this and.....(takes out a syringe full of meth)



Dusty: Paradise PD!



Gina: We got you all covered!



Bullet: Heard about you being some type of rock band now or something?



Fitz, Brett, Zeta, Pedro, and Frank all step out of the radio station. They see the Paradise PD before them. Much to their shock, The Paradise PD had guitars, drums, and a piano.



Zeta: Aren't they going to try to stop us?



Fitz: All right Randall. I have no idea.....


Brett: They're trying to copy us!


Randall: It's just that we heard you guys are a 1990's cover band.


Frank; Yeah we are. What of it?


Kevin: So we decided to give you a taste of your own meth-dicine!


Dusty: Not funny Kevin.


Gina: Well, if you must know. We just became a 2000s song cover band!


Bullet: Hit it!


The song the Paradise PD play was Ride By The Vines. Fitz, Brett, Zeta, Frank, and Pedro all stand there and laugh.


Fitz: Why are you doing this?!


The song plays until the end. The DJ comes out.


DJ: By any chance is this a Battle of The Bands? If it is, Legion of ROOOOOCK wins!


Fitz, Brett, Frank, Pedro: We torched your asses man!


Zeta: Go home, loser cops! The winners today are us! (gives the Paradise PD the middle finger)


Randall: Why did we even bother?


Kevin: They beat us..


Dusty: We....we.... can someone please explain what just happened?


Gina: It means we lost to Fitz and his Legion of Cunts?!


Bullet: So what? Who cares! If you can't beat them, join them!




THE END