Categories > Cartoons > Family Guy
Ernie the Chicken, Doug, Bertram, Vinnie, and New Brian will be playing the parts of the villainous Outlaw Gang.
Family Guy
Fanfic Title:
Call In The Calvary
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
In a small town somewhere in the Great Plains. During the Old West. The town was called Road Runner Lane. A gang of five hoodlums riding on fast horses are shooting up people and terrorizing the citizens. All around people were dying from getting shot. Falling off saloons, getting shot on their doorsteps.
Some cowboys were hiding behind barrels in hopes to take out these mysterious troublemaking gang. Who were these cowboys that were tearing up the town. This gang of outlaws just wanted to tear through the town and kill everyone in sight! At a local bar, a barmaid and her cowboy companion were hiding behind fallen table to avoid getting shot. The barmaid was Lois Griffin and the Cowboy was Peter Griffin.
Lois (coming up from the table): I reckon it's over now.
Peter (coming up from the table): That mysterious gang was running plum wild. I oughta be out there slinging lead in their asses.
The barmaid Lois follows cowboy Peter as he was about to walk out that door.
Lois: But what chance do you have? The thing to do is ride into Fort Scott and join some soldiers.
Peter: I'm reckon you're right, Lois honey. I'm hitting the trail!
Lois watches with worry as Peter heads out the door. Peter then realizes he forgot something.
Peter: I forgot my gee-tar! (grabs guitar)
Grabbing his guitar, Peter was now ready to head out and join the fight.
Peter: Good bye, Lois, honey! (bumps into open door)
Lois: Oh my gosh!
Peter (deep breathes) sniff! AHHHH! sniff! AHHHH! sniff AHHHHH! sniff AHHHH! (gets up and heads out). Shit I hurt my knee!
Scene 2:
At a faraway ranch in a farmfield. A caption reads FORT SCOTT KANSAS, 1868. Inside, were Calvary Soldiers. Stewie, Brian, and Chris. The three of them were trying to put a saddle on a horse.
Stewie: Hurry up with that saddle!
Brian: How do you get this thing on?
Stewie (grabs saddle): It goes this way I told you.
Chris: Wait a minute, what about that thing?
Stewie: That's the Ass Stop that's the thing that keeps you from sliding off ass backwards.
Brian: Oh no it's not. That's the horn.
Stewie: What the deuce?
Brian: The horn!
Squeezing the part of the saddle that had the horn on it. It makes a car honking type of sound. Stewie was amazed.
Stewie: By golly, you're right! I'm going to toss the saddle on it anyway.
The saddle was thrown by Stewie. It hits Principal Shephard who was their general as he walked into the barn house. Then he fell over onto a haystack. Stewie, Brian, and Chris run to see him.
Brian: Sorry! Sorry! General Shepherd! You all right?
Principal Shepherd: By George! What the fucking hell were you doing!
Stewie, Brian, and Chris all stammer and apologize.
Principal Shepherd (ranting): Get busy you good for nothing slackers! Shoe that horse right now!
Brian (saluting): Yes sir! Right away!
Chris: (saluting): We're on it!
Stewie: Get the shoes on that horse!
Principal Shepherd: You're the most lazy assed bunch of guys I've...
Stewie gives Principal Shepherd a death glare. Then he soon stopped talking. Chris goes to talk to the horse.
Chris: What size will it be today, madam! We have some lovely.....
Stewie (slaps Chris): Quiet! (hands Chris a hammer): Stop the bullshit and get busy with that hammer.
Chris walks away and grabs a hammer. Chris uses the hammer on the horseshoe. Which caused the horseshoe to fly and knock out Principal Shepherd. Brian and Stewie grab him before he fell down.
Stewie: Take it easy. We gotcha!
Principal Shepherd comes to his senses. Then begins to hone in on Chris.
Brian: Oh my god! You okay?
Principal Shepherd (gruffing): That did it. (walks up to Chris) I'm going to give you a....
Chris steps back then he gets his buttocks burned by a fire that was going to be used for the horseshoes. Chris yells in pain, and in the heat of the moment, Chris pushes Principal Shepherd into a barrel of water. Then one by one, horseshoes fall on Principal Shepherds head. Stewie, Brian, and Chris all run out of the barn, Brian locks the door.
Stewie: We better get our asses out of here!
Chris closes the door behind him. Principal Shepherd gets himself out of the water barrel. Going for the door to charge after Stewie, Brian, and Chris. Principal Shepherd discovers that it's locked. Chris, Brian, and Stewie were in another room in the stable. The soon learn that the door was closed in that room, too.
Brian: Shit! We fucked ourselves!
Chris: Is that a masterbation joke? If it is, I like it!
Stewie: No it means we're trapped.
Another Calvary Soldier who was a captain walks into the room where Brian, Chris, and Stewie are. They all salute him. The Calvary Soldier was Mort Goldman.
Mort: What are you men doing here?
Chris: Nothing Captain! Just inspecting the frame of fours in the attraction.
Mort: Oh yes or course. (goes to the door they locked.)
Brian, Stewie, and Chris all make their escape. In the stable, Principal Shepherd was ready for revenge who has now armed himself with a wooden stick.
Mort: What did he just say? Oh yes!
Entering the stable, Mort was about to get hit by Principal Shepherd with a wooden stick. He succeeds by hitting Mort in the back which made him fall into some hay.
Principal Shepherd: Yes! That's one of them.
Going to grab what he thinks is either Brian, Chris, or Stewie. Principal Shepherd soon realizes with Captain Mort Goldman.
Principal Shepherd (gasps and salutes): Captain Goldman! I didn't know it was you.
Mort: What is the meaning of this?
Principal Shepherd (confused): Sorry I thought you were someone else.
Mort: Never mind! The Colonel wants to see you at once! (walks away) I'll attend to you later, General Shepherd!
Principal Shepherd feels humiliated as Mort leaves the stable.
Scene 3:
In an office. Peter Griffin was talking to the Colonel who was Joe Swanson.
Joe: Don't you worry my friend. We'll take care of that Outlaw Gang!
Peter: Thank you kindly, Colonel! (walks off)
Realizing once more, Peter forget his guitar.
Peter (giggling): Keep forgetting my gee-tar! Which will become a running gag in this episode!
Joe: This is somebody's fanfic. It's not a real episode.
Soon as he was exiting Joe's office, Peter bumps into a chair and falls over and his guitar made a funny sound.
Peter: (sniff) AHH! (sniff) AHHH! I hurt my knee again!
Walking into the Colonel's office. There was Principal Shepherd. Peter bumps into him and falls down onto the floor again. Peter then gets helped up.
Principal Shepherd: Beg your pardon.
Peter walks out taking his guitar and picks up his gun. Pushed Principal Shepherd out of his way.
Principal Shepherd: Reporting as ordered sir! (saluting)
Joe: At ease, General. I need three or four good men for a very important mission. I went them to go into the panhandle county. Disguise as Desperados and hook up with that Outlaw Gang!
Principal Shepherd: Yes sir.
Rising from his desk, Joe had wooden legs.
Joe: Understand this, Sargent! This is a very dangerous mission! The Outlaw Gang are ruthless killer SOBs! Whichever men you select. Well probably never come back! Just like my real legs will never come back, that I lost in the war! (points to his wooden legs)
Principal Shepherd (which a shark smile): I have just the men, sir!
Scene 4:
At a bar saloon. Quagmire who was the bartender was serving drinks to a two babies and a dog. Brian, Stewie, and Chris were now out of their Calvary Uniforms and were dressed as cowboys. Lois the barmaid sees them enter, she also sees the Outlaw Gang who were Doug, Bertram and New Brian. As the three members of the Outlaw Gang reveal themselves, a caption reads, "THE KILLER OUTLAWS!"
Dramatic Music plays.
Chris (about to run away): Uh oh!
Brian: (pushes Chris back): I don't think so Chris.
Stewie: Get back here! We're Desperadoes now!
Chris (cowardly); I don't feel very Desperado!
Brian: All we need to do is go with the flow.
Stewie (pulls out a gun): We gotta be more ass kicking than they are! That's all!
Brian, Stewie, and Chris all walk over to the bar next to Doug, Bertram, and New Brian. Doug opens a beer bottle with his bare hands.
Stewie: Oh yeah! Watch and learn from the pro! (opens a beer bottle with Chris's teeth which caused him to bleed)
Chris: Oooh! Ahhh! Ahhh! Oooh!
Stewie: Shut up!
Chris: Give me back my front teeth! I look like I'm five!
Doug (tells Quagmire): Give me a straight slug!
Bertram: Me too!
Brian: Me three! I'll take a double!
Stewie: Make mine a triple!
Chris: I'll take some whiskey!
Quagmire serves the drinks to all six of them. Doug spits his out when Chris announced he wanted some whiskey.
Chris: With sour bull sperm!
Brian and Stewie pat Chris on the back. Lois watches the whole thing. Peter signals Lois to come to him.
Lois (gasps with happiness): Peter!
Peter: I'm back, Lois honey.
Lois: What took you so long?
Peter: Oh fuck! I fell of my horse and I had to walk.
Lois: What about those Calvary Soldiers.
Peter (points over to Brian, Chris, and Stewie): That's them.
Stewie, Brian, and Chris were drinking slugs shots as well as the Outlaw Gang. Chris's whiskey had bull sperm in it.
Chris: Here's mud on your penis!
When Brian, Chris, and Stewie were done with the shots, they begin to cough because they could not take the taste. Chris can however take the taste of whiskey with bull sperm. Or so they thought.
Chris (makes breathing and choking sounds): eeeee! aaaaaaahhhhh! I do smoke......
Brian: I could almost swear Chris is having a heart attack or a stroke!
Doug, Bertram, and New Brian look at each other in disbelief. New Brian reached for his gun.
Bertram: No not now.
Chris soon got over the initial shock of drinking the whiskey with bull sperm. Doug is now ready to challenge Stewie, Brian, and Chris.
Doug: Tough hombres, hey?
Stewie: Yeah, what about it!
Doug: Handy with your shooting arms I reckon!
Stewie: Yeah, I reckon.
Doug (pulls out his gun): Like this? (shoots his gun at some beer bottles)
Brian: HA! That's nothing!
Stewie (to Chris): Show them, Tex!
Chris (to Brian): Show them, Tex!
Brian: Chris, you're Tex!
Quagmire (looks at Brian and scoffs): Gosh he's fucking pathetic! Glad he don't work here with me!
Stewie (shoves Chris at Doug): Go on and show them!
Chris: Stand clear and I'm brave! I'm rough and I'm tough! Yes sir! I'm lightning with a shooting iron. That's what I am! Lightning! (gets his gun): Why!! (his gun is stuck) Freeze Lightning is what I am.
Brian: Gosh Chris! i hope you know what you're doing!
Peter and Lois watch from a distance.
Chris: I'll show you my badge! That's what I'll do! (pants fall down)
Doug, Bertram, and New Brian look at Chris.
Chris: I'll have it in a minute! (takes out a badge from his pocket and whips Bertram with it.)
New Brian and Doug run over to Chris. Pulling guns on Chris. Peter takes out two, however neither of them are loaded. Lois looks astounded.
Peter: Oh fuck! I forgot to load them!
Bertram (grabs Chris's shirt collar): Put up your guns boys, I'll handle this! (throws Chris on the bar) Got anything to say Bull Blowjobber? Before I gun you down. (clicks gun and it's empty)
Chris: Your gun is empty. (hits Bertram with a beer bottle)
New Brian catches Bertram as he falls over. Chris hits New Brian over the head with a beer bottle too. Brian joins the fight as he pulls Doug's cowboy hat over his eyes.
Brian: Stewie! A little help here!
Stewie hits Doug over the head with an empty beer bottle. The Outlaw gang were conked out and on the floor. Chris, Brian, and Stewie all grab the Outlaw Gang's guns.
Chris (leg shaking): Freeze Lightning! That's what I am!
Brian: More like Frosty Testicles.
Stewie: Take it easy there, Tex!
Peter comes into the bar with Lois. Armed with a gun. New Brian, Doug, and Bertram were getting up.
Brian: The hell! Wasn't the beer bottles enough to knock them out?
Peter (pulls a gun at Doug, New Brian, and Doug): Ah-HA! Clear out you horses asses before I get real rough with you! Ah-HA!
The Outlaw Gang New Brian, Doug, and Bertram took Peter's words as a threat and made their leave.
Peter: Go on! Get up!
Brian: You heard the man, OUT!
Chris kicks Bertram in the back. As a warning to their newfound enemies. Brian and Stewie aimed their guns at Doug, New Brian, and Bertram as exit the bar.
Lois: Oh, Peter!
Peter: Lois, honey.
Lois looks at Peter with love in her eyes, when he is putting his gun back in his holsters. Brian, Chris, and Stewie do the same.
Brian: Uhh, Chris. You'll have to pull up your pants.
Noticing his pants were still down, Chris pulls them up.
Stewie: XYZ!
Chris: What's that mean?
Brian: Examine your zipper.
Scene 5:
New Brian, Bertram, and Doug all walk into their hideout. Vinnie who was their boss who is there playing cards with Ernie The Chicken.
Vinnie: Hello boys. What happened to your guns.
New Brian: About time I get some lines here. (Ahem) We ran into three strangers, boss.
Vinnie: Three strangers? Did you identify these sons of bitches?
New Brian: Never seen them before.
Bertram: Doug trailed them here from Fort Scott.
Vinnie: Sounds to me like they could be spies! SPIES!
Doug: They'll have the troops down on us as well.
New Brian: I'm leaving.
Vinnie: Wait a minute! We're not leaving here. Not until we clean out the town. Anyway, how can those hombres report to Fort Scott if.....(hands Doug a gun) they're dead!
Back in the bar. Brian and Chris were trying on moustaches for disguise. As was Stewie. After putting on the moustaches, Chris and Brian look at each other with shock.
Chris: Shit! I barely recognize you, Brian!
Brian: I could say the same.
Lois (puts a moustache on Stewie): If it's information you want. This is the place to get it. The Outlaw Gang come in here nearly every night.
Stewie: We can assure you we'll be all ears.
Peter (barging in): Hey, everybody! Look! Check out my new threads, bitches! hee hee hee hee hee! I got a wardrobe change! I'm wearing black now!
Brian: You dumbass! People will think you're on the side of the bad! Don't you know anything about the Old West Dress code?
Chris: Yeah, good guys wear white, bad guys wear black!
Peter: Did not think that one though.
Lois: It doesn't matter.
Peter: Thank you, Lois honey. Anyhoooooo, (holds a piece of gold) Moving on here, this is the last piece of gold I found. (puts the gold in the safe)
Lois: The stage I perform on gets so held up so regularly. We gotta keep the gold from the mine in that safe.
Brian: Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a stripper are you?
Lois (scoffs): I wish! No I'm just singer.
Stewie: The Outlaw Gang don't know about it?
Bertram spies on them all though a window.
Lois: Oh no.
Stewie: That's good.
Chris and Brian turn around to see Bertram spying on them.
Brian (sees Bertram): Look! There's one of them right now!
Chris (sees Bertram): I see him too!
Aiming his gun, Peter shoots it at the window but instead shoots a light. Bertram got away.
Peter: Uhhh, fuck! I missed.
Brian, Lois, Peter, Stewie, and Chris all scramble to the window to look outside
Lois: God dammit! Now the Outlaw Gang will know about the gold!
Stewie: That settles it. You've got to ride. Tell Colonel Joe Swanson we need the United States Calvary.
Peter: I reckon, wait? Do cowboys still say I reckon?
Brian: That doesn't matter! Besides, we don't have time for that shit!
Peter: You know, you're right, partner. I'm hitting the high trial!
Adjusting his cowboy hat. Peter rushes out the door. Then a loud crash was heard outside that surprises them all.
Stewie (laughing): Sounds like the trial hit him!
After the nasty fall, Peter finds himself standing up in a garbage can. Trying to get out, Peter falls over anyway.
Peter: Hey! What do you know! I didn't hurt my knee this time! hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Scene 6:
It was now nightfall in the Kansas town. Stewie, Brian, and Chris have taken over the now empty bar. Chris was the bartender and Stewie and Brian were waiters. Putting their plan into motion, in their disguises. Only New Brian of The Outlaw Gang was there.
Chris: ....and the little one said, you've been sleeping in all morning. (shakes bottle) Wait until you taste this you'll love it!
Waiting for his drink, New Brian was at the bar. Chris pours the drink but it splatters all over!
Chris: That will be 2 bits please!
New Brian: Fuck that! I demand a refund!
As more dramatic western style music plays. The rest of the Outlaw Gang have arrived. Doug, Ernie The Chicken, Bertram, and Vinnie all entered the bar saloon.
Vinnie: You see them?
Bertram: No I don't.
Ernie the Chicken, Doug, Bertram, New Brian, and Vinnie all sit down at the tables. Brian comes to serve them.
Brian: Good evening gents. What will it be tonight?
Stewie: What are we having boys?
Ernie The Chicken: Have you seen anything of three strangers around here?
Vinnie: That's what we want to know.
Stewie: No their aint been no strangers around here, partner.
Brian was worried that Stewie's disguise was going to fall. So Brian walks over to guide him.
Stewie: Well, since you asked. There were a couple of sheep herders around here about 7. Then a few cow pokes, oh a little while after that. (moustache was almost falling off) The only strangers I know left town on the 4 o'clock stage. (turns to Brian then fixes his moustache) Now that you mention it, there was three of them.
Vinnie: Did you check the stage like I told you?
Doug: Of course I wouldn't miss an important thing like that....
Brian's and Stewie's moustaches to their disguises were falling off when Vinnie and Doug were talking. Brian and Stewie struggle to put the moustaches back on themselves.
Bertram: Neither did I! I didn't miss that either. It was only two old miners and some dude.
Unfortunately for Stewie, his moustache landed on top of Vinnie's nose. Vinnie throws the moustache off himself and right away recognizes Brian and Stewie who huddle each other in fear.
Vinnie: Well, well well! Spying hey!
Everyone in the Outlaw Gang now had their guns on Brian and Stewie.
Stewie: No leaving!
Brian: Let's get out of here, Stewie!
Being grabbed by the Outlaw Gang so quickly, Brian and Stewie had no luck in getting away from them. Behind the bar, Chris ducked underneath. Doug and Bertram drag Brian and Stewie over to the bar. Ernie the Chicken ripped off Brian's moustache.
Brian: YEOW! Fuck that hurt!
Vinnie: Hey, there was another!
Doug: You're right! Where is he?
New Brian: I don't see him.
Vinnie: Oh! Fuck him anyway. We'll have to work fast! Doug, you go get that redheaded barmaid I'm taking her with us!
Doug: Right!
Brian: You wouldn't dare! She has nothing to do with this!
Stewie: Leave her alone!
Brian and Stewie were still in the grasp of the Outlaw Gang.
Vinnie: Bertram you open that safe!
Bertram: I won't let you down!
Doug goes to get Lois as Bertram goes to open the safe. Ernie the Chicken and New Brian were strangling Brian and Stewie.
Vinnie: Hmmmm. I wonder where the other one went.
Looking under the bar, Chris emerges and uses a bottle to squirt water in Vinnie's face.
Brian: This is our chance! Come on!
Stewie: Hey! I'm the leader! I give the orders around here!
Brian: I forgot, okay! Geez!
Stewie runs off with Brian. Then Chris also uses the bottle squirter to spray water on New Brian and Ernie the Chicken. Vinnie, Ernie the Chicken and New Brian were all standing waiting to attack Chris.
Chris: Need swimming lessons, assholes?!
Vinnie, Ernie the Chicken, and New Brian all chased after Chris. Brian and Stewie was running around the back room of the bar that was full of wooden boxes. Chris soon finds himself in the back room of the bar. Running around the back room with boxes in their way. Chris, Brian, and Stewie try to run away from Vinnie, Ernie the Chicken and new Brian the best the can.
Scene 7:
In another room of the bar that had a table and a bed. Lois finds herself being cornered by Doug who pointed a gun at her.
Doug: The boss is taking you along with him! In case if he gets lonely. If you know what I mean!
Lois screams as she was being chased by Doug around a table. Could not get away from Doug. Lois tries to escape though a window. Doug gets to Lois before she could.
At Colonel Joe Swanson's office, Peter enters and delivers some troubling news.
Peter: Colonel Joe Swanson. There's trouble at the bar saloon miles out of Fort Scott. In a town called Road Runner Lane! We need the Calvary!
Joe: I'm sorry son. But yesterday was payday and all the money they got was spent on whores and hookers. (comes from out of his desk) I'm guilty of that too! Check out my new legs!
Peter stares at Joe's new legs which were made of titanium steel.
Joe: What do you think, hey? What do you think! Buffalo Bill ain't got nothing on me!
Peter: That's great about your legs and all. But no United States Calvary?
Joe: No United States Calvary.
Peter: Colonel Joe! I'm riding alone!
Seeing a chair in front of him, and has his guitar in this hands.
Peter: Not happening this time!
However, Peter ended up tripping over a ottoman. Peter runs out to ride without the Calvary. At the bar in the back room. Stewie looks around for Ernie the Chicken, Vinnie, and New Brian. Suddenly, Stewie felt a wing on his head.
Stewie: What the deuce!
Ernie drags Stewie by his shirt. Behind the box, Stewie was able to punch and kick Ernie the Chicken.
Stewie: Victory is mine!
In the room with the table and bed. Lois was still being chased by Doug.
Lois: Please no! Go away! My husband Peter will save me!
Right next door where the bar was, Bertram was messing around with the safe. Doug had grabbed Lois with a tight grip and she continues to cry for help. Suddenly, Lois punches Doug which causes him to take some steps back and fall out the window. Lois faints onto the bed. Peter is seen riding on a speeding horse into town to come to the rescue.
Scene 8:
Behind the boxes in the back room. Brian sees Vinnie walking around. Brian picks up a bucket and breaks it over Vinnie's head knocking him cold.
Brian: Ha! I just made a killing in the bucket market. (laughs)
Soon, New Brian and Ernie the Chicken charge at Brian. However, Brian was able to get away from them thus causing them to bump into each other. Bertram was still trying to open the safe to get the gold Peter put inside earlier. Vinnie comes to and decides to regroup.
Vinnie: We're dealing with some tough asses.
New Brian: Man they are. What do you think we ought to do now?
Vinnie: Get Bertram to help us. While you're at it, tell Bertram to tie up the woman and come here.
Ernie the Chicken: Right boss!
Chris decides to do a sneak attack after Ernie the Chicken follow's Vinnie's order. Vinnie and New Brian had no idea Chris was behind them. Chris had a broken cigar in his mouth and spits it at Vinnie and New Brian.
New Brian (catches the cigar): I got it!
Vinnie and New Brian try to track down Chris. Only to bump into each other.
New Brian: Where do you suppose he went?
Vinnie: Did you see him?
New Brian: No but we'll get him!
Chris breaks a huge light blub over New Brian's head. Then runs over to where Vinnie was and breaks a glass pitcher over Vinnie's head. Meanwhile in the room with the bed and table. Lois wakes up from fainting.
Lois: Oh Peter. Where ever could you be!
Bertram enters the room where Lois is. Bertram begins to chase Lois around the table. Luck takes a bad turn when Ernie the Chicken comes in and joins Bertram in pursuing Lois.
Lois: PETER! PETER! SAVE ME! SURE COULD USE SOME HELP HERE!!!
In the woods Peter was still charging into town, speeding on his horse. Bertram and Ernie the Chicken had Lois trapped. Both of them were pulling Lois as is they were playing tug of war.
Lois: Please! Stop! I'm just a poor defenseless woman!
Slipping her hand out of Ernie The Chicken's grip, Lois punches Ernie the Chicken then does the same to Bertram. Knocking them both on the floor.
Lois: Oh no! What have I done...(faints onto the bed)
In the back room of the bar, Brian had a wooden branch from a tree. Stewie was behind the dog. Vinnie was lividly looking for either Brian, Chris, or Stewie. Brian managed to knock out Vinnie. However, Brian by accident conked out Stewie.
Brian: Stewie! Stewie! I'm sorry! Wake up!
It was already too late. Vinnie had grabbed Brian. New Brian grabs Stewie. Peter was on his swift fast horse riding in to save the day. Bertram had come from being knocked out by Lois.
Vinnie: Bertram! Did you make any progress?
Bertram: I got the safe open!
Vinnie: What about the girl?
Bertram: She packed a wallop.
Vinnie: Ahhh, forget her. We'll tie up these twat asses instead!
Brian and Stewie were being tied up together back to back by New Brian, Chris comes out of a box from where he was hiding. Once Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram spot Chris.
Stewie: CHRIS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Chris runs away as Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram chase after him.
Brian: Ahhh! Who's idea was this for us to reenact a Three Stooges episode! (struggles against the ropes.)
Of all the episodes Punchy Cowpunchers had to be the one chosen!
Stewie: The Fat Man, who else! I don't recall seeing this in our contract! That's for sure! (struggling against the ropes)
Brian: Why couldn't we have reenacted the Laurel and Hardy episode A Perfect Day instead?
Stewie: Agree with that, Bri. At least that would've been more safer than this!
Brian: Let's just try to get loose and help Chris. And one more thing.
Stewie: What's that, Bri?
Brian: When we are done with this I am going to kick Peter's testicles into his ass!
Chris runs back into the main room of the bar. He goes for the door. Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram were hot on his trail. Chris hoots fearfully when he sees Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram. Chris decides to go into the safe.
Scene 9:
Vinnie decides to open the safe and assumes Chris was gone.
New Brian: He's gone!
Vinnie: I don't give a fuck! Let's empty that safe and get out of here fast! (tries to open the hatch to the safe.) I thought you said you opened this, Bertram.
Bertram: I did.
Chris was holding onto the hatch from inside.
New Brian: Do you know the combination?
Bertram: Sure do! Leave this all to me! (tries to open the safe)
The hatch from inside begins to move around. Chris spins the hatch around. Leaving Vinnie and Bertram confused.
Chris: Ha! That'll show 'em!
Vinnie tries to open the safe, Chris continues to spin the hatch around some more.
Bertram: This can only mean one thing!
New Brian: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Vinnie: He's in there! That's settles it. We'll blast him with dynamite!
New Brian and Bertram get a dynamite stick and light it. Vinnie drills a hole into the safe.
Chris: (gulps): Well I'm doomed.
Brian and Stewie made their way into the main room of the bar despite being tied up.
New Brian: It's not easy being stuck together! Whats wrong, can't come unglued?!
Vinnie: Glad you guys came. You're just in time for the big show!
Brian: What big show!
Stewie: What shit are you trying to pull now?
Vinnie: For now I'm going to keep my eye on you two. New Brian, go see what's holding up the Calvary!
The horse Peter Griffin was riding on was running. With no Peter on it! A caption reads: HE FELL OFF AGAIN! Lois awakens after fainting. She was about to leave the room with the bed and table. Then Ernie The Chicken regains consciousness. Starting to terrorize Lois one more. Lois knocks out Ernie the Chicken onto the floor again without hesitation.
Ernie The Chicken: BBAAA-GGGOOOCCCKKK!
Lois faints on the couch in the room. At the main room of the bar. Brian and Stewie struggle to get free from the ropes when they see Vinnie and Bertram try to blow up Chris who's inside the safe. Bertram throws the dynamite stick in the hole where he drilled. Chris sees the dynamite stick.
Chris: A sparkler! YIKES! (puts the dynamite stick back through the hole): NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Vinnie and Bertram were holding their ears in case if the dynamite stick explodes. What they didn't know was Chris put the dynamite stick back through the hole. Vinnie sees the dynamite stick and puts it back in the hole in the safe. Chris picks up the dynamite stick and pushes it back out. This time around, Vinnie has his hand though the hole.
Chris: Ooooooh! I knew this had to be a possibility!
Getting an idea, Chris put the flaming end of the dynamite stick that burns Vinnie's paw.
Vinnie: OUCH!
The dynamite stick was about to explode.
Bertram: Look out!
The dynamite stick exploded. Blowing Vinnie and Bertram out of their cowboy boots. Getting out of hiding from the safe, Chris sees the dynamite stick caused a lot of extensive damage to the bar. New Brian was laying down with broken bar tables on him. Chris runs over to Brian and Stewie who were still tied up.
Chris: What are you guys doing? Playing Missionary Position?!
Brian: We were captured you dumbass!
Stewie: Come on! Untie us!
Entering the bar, Peter had arrived. With his guitar in his hand. Chris untied Brian and Stewie.
Peter: Where's Lois?!
Brian: In the other room.
Peter went into the room where Lois was. Lois is filled with regret over punching out Ernie The Chicken.
Lois: Oh no. What have I done?! (cries)
Peter: Lois, honey!
Lois: PETER!
Peter and Lois embrace as they hug and kiss.
Lois: Oh, I've been waiting for you...
Peter: I'm here now, Lois honey!
Vinnie and Bertram came crashing down after being lifted into the air by the force of the dynamite stick. Brian and Stewie. all tie up Vinnie, Bertram, and New Brian. Chris comes in with an unconscious Doug who was hit by Lois.
Chris: Got another one! (throws Doug with Vinnie, Bertram, and New Brian)
Stewie: Wow! Great work!
Brian: Will you look at this. We captured them all.
Peter and Lois run into the main room of the bar.
Stewie: We got all of them. Including Vinnie their leader.
Lois: Oh isn't this wonderful Peter! Now we can get married.
Peter: Now wait a minute, Lois. Us westerners ain't the marrying type. (gets his guitar) We just go riding off into the sunset.
Stewie: He must be a repressed gay.
Peter (plays guitar and sings): Oh give me a home where the Buffalos.....
Before Peter can sing, Lois hits him on the head with a glass jar and makes him flip over onto the floor. Stewie does the same to Lois who too falls into the floor.
Brian: Why did you do that for?
Stewie: It was just going to lead to a sappy ending.
Chris: Oh look they're getting up.
Peter and Lois weren't effected badly enough from getting hit with glass jars. Lois and Peter embrace once more.
Lois: Peter! (sighs)
Peter: (sighs) Lois honey.
Stewie: Shit! A sappy ending after all!
Brian: Awww, let them. They're perfect for each other.
Chris: We oughta watch! Maybe they'll fuck!
Stewie (slaps Chris): Shit ass gutter brain!
THE END
Family Guy
Fanfic Title:
Call In The Calvary
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
In a small town somewhere in the Great Plains. During the Old West. The town was called Road Runner Lane. A gang of five hoodlums riding on fast horses are shooting up people and terrorizing the citizens. All around people were dying from getting shot. Falling off saloons, getting shot on their doorsteps.
Some cowboys were hiding behind barrels in hopes to take out these mysterious troublemaking gang. Who were these cowboys that were tearing up the town. This gang of outlaws just wanted to tear through the town and kill everyone in sight! At a local bar, a barmaid and her cowboy companion were hiding behind fallen table to avoid getting shot. The barmaid was Lois Griffin and the Cowboy was Peter Griffin.
Lois (coming up from the table): I reckon it's over now.
Peter (coming up from the table): That mysterious gang was running plum wild. I oughta be out there slinging lead in their asses.
The barmaid Lois follows cowboy Peter as he was about to walk out that door.
Lois: But what chance do you have? The thing to do is ride into Fort Scott and join some soldiers.
Peter: I'm reckon you're right, Lois honey. I'm hitting the trail!
Lois watches with worry as Peter heads out the door. Peter then realizes he forgot something.
Peter: I forgot my gee-tar! (grabs guitar)
Grabbing his guitar, Peter was now ready to head out and join the fight.
Peter: Good bye, Lois, honey! (bumps into open door)
Lois: Oh my gosh!
Peter (deep breathes) sniff! AHHHH! sniff! AHHHH! sniff AHHHHH! sniff AHHHH! (gets up and heads out). Shit I hurt my knee!
Scene 2:
At a faraway ranch in a farmfield. A caption reads FORT SCOTT KANSAS, 1868. Inside, were Calvary Soldiers. Stewie, Brian, and Chris. The three of them were trying to put a saddle on a horse.
Stewie: Hurry up with that saddle!
Brian: How do you get this thing on?
Stewie (grabs saddle): It goes this way I told you.
Chris: Wait a minute, what about that thing?
Stewie: That's the Ass Stop that's the thing that keeps you from sliding off ass backwards.
Brian: Oh no it's not. That's the horn.
Stewie: What the deuce?
Brian: The horn!
Squeezing the part of the saddle that had the horn on it. It makes a car honking type of sound. Stewie was amazed.
Stewie: By golly, you're right! I'm going to toss the saddle on it anyway.
The saddle was thrown by Stewie. It hits Principal Shephard who was their general as he walked into the barn house. Then he fell over onto a haystack. Stewie, Brian, and Chris run to see him.
Brian: Sorry! Sorry! General Shepherd! You all right?
Principal Shepherd: By George! What the fucking hell were you doing!
Stewie, Brian, and Chris all stammer and apologize.
Principal Shepherd (ranting): Get busy you good for nothing slackers! Shoe that horse right now!
Brian (saluting): Yes sir! Right away!
Chris: (saluting): We're on it!
Stewie: Get the shoes on that horse!
Principal Shepherd: You're the most lazy assed bunch of guys I've...
Stewie gives Principal Shepherd a death glare. Then he soon stopped talking. Chris goes to talk to the horse.
Chris: What size will it be today, madam! We have some lovely.....
Stewie (slaps Chris): Quiet! (hands Chris a hammer): Stop the bullshit and get busy with that hammer.
Chris walks away and grabs a hammer. Chris uses the hammer on the horseshoe. Which caused the horseshoe to fly and knock out Principal Shepherd. Brian and Stewie grab him before he fell down.
Stewie: Take it easy. We gotcha!
Principal Shepherd comes to his senses. Then begins to hone in on Chris.
Brian: Oh my god! You okay?
Principal Shepherd (gruffing): That did it. (walks up to Chris) I'm going to give you a....
Chris steps back then he gets his buttocks burned by a fire that was going to be used for the horseshoes. Chris yells in pain, and in the heat of the moment, Chris pushes Principal Shepherd into a barrel of water. Then one by one, horseshoes fall on Principal Shepherds head. Stewie, Brian, and Chris all run out of the barn, Brian locks the door.
Stewie: We better get our asses out of here!
Chris closes the door behind him. Principal Shepherd gets himself out of the water barrel. Going for the door to charge after Stewie, Brian, and Chris. Principal Shepherd discovers that it's locked. Chris, Brian, and Stewie were in another room in the stable. The soon learn that the door was closed in that room, too.
Brian: Shit! We fucked ourselves!
Chris: Is that a masterbation joke? If it is, I like it!
Stewie: No it means we're trapped.
Another Calvary Soldier who was a captain walks into the room where Brian, Chris, and Stewie are. They all salute him. The Calvary Soldier was Mort Goldman.
Mort: What are you men doing here?
Chris: Nothing Captain! Just inspecting the frame of fours in the attraction.
Mort: Oh yes or course. (goes to the door they locked.)
Brian, Stewie, and Chris all make their escape. In the stable, Principal Shepherd was ready for revenge who has now armed himself with a wooden stick.
Mort: What did he just say? Oh yes!
Entering the stable, Mort was about to get hit by Principal Shepherd with a wooden stick. He succeeds by hitting Mort in the back which made him fall into some hay.
Principal Shepherd: Yes! That's one of them.
Going to grab what he thinks is either Brian, Chris, or Stewie. Principal Shepherd soon realizes with Captain Mort Goldman.
Principal Shepherd (gasps and salutes): Captain Goldman! I didn't know it was you.
Mort: What is the meaning of this?
Principal Shepherd (confused): Sorry I thought you were someone else.
Mort: Never mind! The Colonel wants to see you at once! (walks away) I'll attend to you later, General Shepherd!
Principal Shepherd feels humiliated as Mort leaves the stable.
Scene 3:
In an office. Peter Griffin was talking to the Colonel who was Joe Swanson.
Joe: Don't you worry my friend. We'll take care of that Outlaw Gang!
Peter: Thank you kindly, Colonel! (walks off)
Realizing once more, Peter forget his guitar.
Peter (giggling): Keep forgetting my gee-tar! Which will become a running gag in this episode!
Joe: This is somebody's fanfic. It's not a real episode.
Soon as he was exiting Joe's office, Peter bumps into a chair and falls over and his guitar made a funny sound.
Peter: (sniff) AHH! (sniff) AHHH! I hurt my knee again!
Walking into the Colonel's office. There was Principal Shepherd. Peter bumps into him and falls down onto the floor again. Peter then gets helped up.
Principal Shepherd: Beg your pardon.
Peter walks out taking his guitar and picks up his gun. Pushed Principal Shepherd out of his way.
Principal Shepherd: Reporting as ordered sir! (saluting)
Joe: At ease, General. I need three or four good men for a very important mission. I went them to go into the panhandle county. Disguise as Desperados and hook up with that Outlaw Gang!
Principal Shepherd: Yes sir.
Rising from his desk, Joe had wooden legs.
Joe: Understand this, Sargent! This is a very dangerous mission! The Outlaw Gang are ruthless killer SOBs! Whichever men you select. Well probably never come back! Just like my real legs will never come back, that I lost in the war! (points to his wooden legs)
Principal Shepherd (which a shark smile): I have just the men, sir!
Scene 4:
At a bar saloon. Quagmire who was the bartender was serving drinks to a two babies and a dog. Brian, Stewie, and Chris were now out of their Calvary Uniforms and were dressed as cowboys. Lois the barmaid sees them enter, she also sees the Outlaw Gang who were Doug, Bertram and New Brian. As the three members of the Outlaw Gang reveal themselves, a caption reads, "THE KILLER OUTLAWS!"
Dramatic Music plays.
Chris (about to run away): Uh oh!
Brian: (pushes Chris back): I don't think so Chris.
Stewie: Get back here! We're Desperadoes now!
Chris (cowardly); I don't feel very Desperado!
Brian: All we need to do is go with the flow.
Stewie (pulls out a gun): We gotta be more ass kicking than they are! That's all!
Brian, Stewie, and Chris all walk over to the bar next to Doug, Bertram, and New Brian. Doug opens a beer bottle with his bare hands.
Stewie: Oh yeah! Watch and learn from the pro! (opens a beer bottle with Chris's teeth which caused him to bleed)
Chris: Oooh! Ahhh! Ahhh! Oooh!
Stewie: Shut up!
Chris: Give me back my front teeth! I look like I'm five!
Doug (tells Quagmire): Give me a straight slug!
Bertram: Me too!
Brian: Me three! I'll take a double!
Stewie: Make mine a triple!
Chris: I'll take some whiskey!
Quagmire serves the drinks to all six of them. Doug spits his out when Chris announced he wanted some whiskey.
Chris: With sour bull sperm!
Brian and Stewie pat Chris on the back. Lois watches the whole thing. Peter signals Lois to come to him.
Lois (gasps with happiness): Peter!
Peter: I'm back, Lois honey.
Lois: What took you so long?
Peter: Oh fuck! I fell of my horse and I had to walk.
Lois: What about those Calvary Soldiers.
Peter (points over to Brian, Chris, and Stewie): That's them.
Stewie, Brian, and Chris were drinking slugs shots as well as the Outlaw Gang. Chris's whiskey had bull sperm in it.
Chris: Here's mud on your penis!
When Brian, Chris, and Stewie were done with the shots, they begin to cough because they could not take the taste. Chris can however take the taste of whiskey with bull sperm. Or so they thought.
Chris (makes breathing and choking sounds): eeeee! aaaaaaahhhhh! I do smoke......
Brian: I could almost swear Chris is having a heart attack or a stroke!
Doug, Bertram, and New Brian look at each other in disbelief. New Brian reached for his gun.
Bertram: No not now.
Chris soon got over the initial shock of drinking the whiskey with bull sperm. Doug is now ready to challenge Stewie, Brian, and Chris.
Doug: Tough hombres, hey?
Stewie: Yeah, what about it!
Doug: Handy with your shooting arms I reckon!
Stewie: Yeah, I reckon.
Doug (pulls out his gun): Like this? (shoots his gun at some beer bottles)
Brian: HA! That's nothing!
Stewie (to Chris): Show them, Tex!
Chris (to Brian): Show them, Tex!
Brian: Chris, you're Tex!
Quagmire (looks at Brian and scoffs): Gosh he's fucking pathetic! Glad he don't work here with me!
Stewie (shoves Chris at Doug): Go on and show them!
Chris: Stand clear and I'm brave! I'm rough and I'm tough! Yes sir! I'm lightning with a shooting iron. That's what I am! Lightning! (gets his gun): Why!! (his gun is stuck) Freeze Lightning is what I am.
Brian: Gosh Chris! i hope you know what you're doing!
Peter and Lois watch from a distance.
Chris: I'll show you my badge! That's what I'll do! (pants fall down)
Doug, Bertram, and New Brian look at Chris.
Chris: I'll have it in a minute! (takes out a badge from his pocket and whips Bertram with it.)
New Brian and Doug run over to Chris. Pulling guns on Chris. Peter takes out two, however neither of them are loaded. Lois looks astounded.
Peter: Oh fuck! I forgot to load them!
Bertram (grabs Chris's shirt collar): Put up your guns boys, I'll handle this! (throws Chris on the bar) Got anything to say Bull Blowjobber? Before I gun you down. (clicks gun and it's empty)
Chris: Your gun is empty. (hits Bertram with a beer bottle)
New Brian catches Bertram as he falls over. Chris hits New Brian over the head with a beer bottle too. Brian joins the fight as he pulls Doug's cowboy hat over his eyes.
Brian: Stewie! A little help here!
Stewie hits Doug over the head with an empty beer bottle. The Outlaw gang were conked out and on the floor. Chris, Brian, and Stewie all grab the Outlaw Gang's guns.
Chris (leg shaking): Freeze Lightning! That's what I am!
Brian: More like Frosty Testicles.
Stewie: Take it easy there, Tex!
Peter comes into the bar with Lois. Armed with a gun. New Brian, Doug, and Bertram were getting up.
Brian: The hell! Wasn't the beer bottles enough to knock them out?
Peter (pulls a gun at Doug, New Brian, and Doug): Ah-HA! Clear out you horses asses before I get real rough with you! Ah-HA!
The Outlaw Gang New Brian, Doug, and Bertram took Peter's words as a threat and made their leave.
Peter: Go on! Get up!
Brian: You heard the man, OUT!
Chris kicks Bertram in the back. As a warning to their newfound enemies. Brian and Stewie aimed their guns at Doug, New Brian, and Bertram as exit the bar.
Lois: Oh, Peter!
Peter: Lois, honey.
Lois looks at Peter with love in her eyes, when he is putting his gun back in his holsters. Brian, Chris, and Stewie do the same.
Brian: Uhh, Chris. You'll have to pull up your pants.
Noticing his pants were still down, Chris pulls them up.
Stewie: XYZ!
Chris: What's that mean?
Brian: Examine your zipper.
Scene 5:
New Brian, Bertram, and Doug all walk into their hideout. Vinnie who was their boss who is there playing cards with Ernie The Chicken.
Vinnie: Hello boys. What happened to your guns.
New Brian: About time I get some lines here. (Ahem) We ran into three strangers, boss.
Vinnie: Three strangers? Did you identify these sons of bitches?
New Brian: Never seen them before.
Bertram: Doug trailed them here from Fort Scott.
Vinnie: Sounds to me like they could be spies! SPIES!
Doug: They'll have the troops down on us as well.
New Brian: I'm leaving.
Vinnie: Wait a minute! We're not leaving here. Not until we clean out the town. Anyway, how can those hombres report to Fort Scott if.....(hands Doug a gun) they're dead!
Back in the bar. Brian and Chris were trying on moustaches for disguise. As was Stewie. After putting on the moustaches, Chris and Brian look at each other with shock.
Chris: Shit! I barely recognize you, Brian!
Brian: I could say the same.
Lois (puts a moustache on Stewie): If it's information you want. This is the place to get it. The Outlaw Gang come in here nearly every night.
Stewie: We can assure you we'll be all ears.
Peter (barging in): Hey, everybody! Look! Check out my new threads, bitches! hee hee hee hee hee! I got a wardrobe change! I'm wearing black now!
Brian: You dumbass! People will think you're on the side of the bad! Don't you know anything about the Old West Dress code?
Chris: Yeah, good guys wear white, bad guys wear black!
Peter: Did not think that one though.
Lois: It doesn't matter.
Peter: Thank you, Lois honey. Anyhoooooo, (holds a piece of gold) Moving on here, this is the last piece of gold I found. (puts the gold in the safe)
Lois: The stage I perform on gets so held up so regularly. We gotta keep the gold from the mine in that safe.
Brian: Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a stripper are you?
Lois (scoffs): I wish! No I'm just singer.
Stewie: The Outlaw Gang don't know about it?
Bertram spies on them all though a window.
Lois: Oh no.
Stewie: That's good.
Chris and Brian turn around to see Bertram spying on them.
Brian (sees Bertram): Look! There's one of them right now!
Chris (sees Bertram): I see him too!
Aiming his gun, Peter shoots it at the window but instead shoots a light. Bertram got away.
Peter: Uhhh, fuck! I missed.
Brian, Lois, Peter, Stewie, and Chris all scramble to the window to look outside
Lois: God dammit! Now the Outlaw Gang will know about the gold!
Stewie: That settles it. You've got to ride. Tell Colonel Joe Swanson we need the United States Calvary.
Peter: I reckon, wait? Do cowboys still say I reckon?
Brian: That doesn't matter! Besides, we don't have time for that shit!
Peter: You know, you're right, partner. I'm hitting the high trial!
Adjusting his cowboy hat. Peter rushes out the door. Then a loud crash was heard outside that surprises them all.
Stewie (laughing): Sounds like the trial hit him!
After the nasty fall, Peter finds himself standing up in a garbage can. Trying to get out, Peter falls over anyway.
Peter: Hey! What do you know! I didn't hurt my knee this time! hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Scene 6:
It was now nightfall in the Kansas town. Stewie, Brian, and Chris have taken over the now empty bar. Chris was the bartender and Stewie and Brian were waiters. Putting their plan into motion, in their disguises. Only New Brian of The Outlaw Gang was there.
Chris: ....and the little one said, you've been sleeping in all morning. (shakes bottle) Wait until you taste this you'll love it!
Waiting for his drink, New Brian was at the bar. Chris pours the drink but it splatters all over!
Chris: That will be 2 bits please!
New Brian: Fuck that! I demand a refund!
As more dramatic western style music plays. The rest of the Outlaw Gang have arrived. Doug, Ernie The Chicken, Bertram, and Vinnie all entered the bar saloon.
Vinnie: You see them?
Bertram: No I don't.
Ernie the Chicken, Doug, Bertram, New Brian, and Vinnie all sit down at the tables. Brian comes to serve them.
Brian: Good evening gents. What will it be tonight?
Stewie: What are we having boys?
Ernie The Chicken: Have you seen anything of three strangers around here?
Vinnie: That's what we want to know.
Stewie: No their aint been no strangers around here, partner.
Brian was worried that Stewie's disguise was going to fall. So Brian walks over to guide him.
Stewie: Well, since you asked. There were a couple of sheep herders around here about 7. Then a few cow pokes, oh a little while after that. (moustache was almost falling off) The only strangers I know left town on the 4 o'clock stage. (turns to Brian then fixes his moustache) Now that you mention it, there was three of them.
Vinnie: Did you check the stage like I told you?
Doug: Of course I wouldn't miss an important thing like that....
Brian's and Stewie's moustaches to their disguises were falling off when Vinnie and Doug were talking. Brian and Stewie struggle to put the moustaches back on themselves.
Bertram: Neither did I! I didn't miss that either. It was only two old miners and some dude.
Unfortunately for Stewie, his moustache landed on top of Vinnie's nose. Vinnie throws the moustache off himself and right away recognizes Brian and Stewie who huddle each other in fear.
Vinnie: Well, well well! Spying hey!
Everyone in the Outlaw Gang now had their guns on Brian and Stewie.
Stewie: No leaving!
Brian: Let's get out of here, Stewie!
Being grabbed by the Outlaw Gang so quickly, Brian and Stewie had no luck in getting away from them. Behind the bar, Chris ducked underneath. Doug and Bertram drag Brian and Stewie over to the bar. Ernie the Chicken ripped off Brian's moustache.
Brian: YEOW! Fuck that hurt!
Vinnie: Hey, there was another!
Doug: You're right! Where is he?
New Brian: I don't see him.
Vinnie: Oh! Fuck him anyway. We'll have to work fast! Doug, you go get that redheaded barmaid I'm taking her with us!
Doug: Right!
Brian: You wouldn't dare! She has nothing to do with this!
Stewie: Leave her alone!
Brian and Stewie were still in the grasp of the Outlaw Gang.
Vinnie: Bertram you open that safe!
Bertram: I won't let you down!
Doug goes to get Lois as Bertram goes to open the safe. Ernie the Chicken and New Brian were strangling Brian and Stewie.
Vinnie: Hmmmm. I wonder where the other one went.
Looking under the bar, Chris emerges and uses a bottle to squirt water in Vinnie's face.
Brian: This is our chance! Come on!
Stewie: Hey! I'm the leader! I give the orders around here!
Brian: I forgot, okay! Geez!
Stewie runs off with Brian. Then Chris also uses the bottle squirter to spray water on New Brian and Ernie the Chicken. Vinnie, Ernie the Chicken and New Brian were all standing waiting to attack Chris.
Chris: Need swimming lessons, assholes?!
Vinnie, Ernie the Chicken, and New Brian all chased after Chris. Brian and Stewie was running around the back room of the bar that was full of wooden boxes. Chris soon finds himself in the back room of the bar. Running around the back room with boxes in their way. Chris, Brian, and Stewie try to run away from Vinnie, Ernie the Chicken and new Brian the best the can.
Scene 7:
In another room of the bar that had a table and a bed. Lois finds herself being cornered by Doug who pointed a gun at her.
Doug: The boss is taking you along with him! In case if he gets lonely. If you know what I mean!
Lois screams as she was being chased by Doug around a table. Could not get away from Doug. Lois tries to escape though a window. Doug gets to Lois before she could.
At Colonel Joe Swanson's office, Peter enters and delivers some troubling news.
Peter: Colonel Joe Swanson. There's trouble at the bar saloon miles out of Fort Scott. In a town called Road Runner Lane! We need the Calvary!
Joe: I'm sorry son. But yesterday was payday and all the money they got was spent on whores and hookers. (comes from out of his desk) I'm guilty of that too! Check out my new legs!
Peter stares at Joe's new legs which were made of titanium steel.
Joe: What do you think, hey? What do you think! Buffalo Bill ain't got nothing on me!
Peter: That's great about your legs and all. But no United States Calvary?
Joe: No United States Calvary.
Peter: Colonel Joe! I'm riding alone!
Seeing a chair in front of him, and has his guitar in this hands.
Peter: Not happening this time!
However, Peter ended up tripping over a ottoman. Peter runs out to ride without the Calvary. At the bar in the back room. Stewie looks around for Ernie the Chicken, Vinnie, and New Brian. Suddenly, Stewie felt a wing on his head.
Stewie: What the deuce!
Ernie drags Stewie by his shirt. Behind the box, Stewie was able to punch and kick Ernie the Chicken.
Stewie: Victory is mine!
In the room with the table and bed. Lois was still being chased by Doug.
Lois: Please no! Go away! My husband Peter will save me!
Right next door where the bar was, Bertram was messing around with the safe. Doug had grabbed Lois with a tight grip and she continues to cry for help. Suddenly, Lois punches Doug which causes him to take some steps back and fall out the window. Lois faints onto the bed. Peter is seen riding on a speeding horse into town to come to the rescue.
Scene 8:
Behind the boxes in the back room. Brian sees Vinnie walking around. Brian picks up a bucket and breaks it over Vinnie's head knocking him cold.
Brian: Ha! I just made a killing in the bucket market. (laughs)
Soon, New Brian and Ernie the Chicken charge at Brian. However, Brian was able to get away from them thus causing them to bump into each other. Bertram was still trying to open the safe to get the gold Peter put inside earlier. Vinnie comes to and decides to regroup.
Vinnie: We're dealing with some tough asses.
New Brian: Man they are. What do you think we ought to do now?
Vinnie: Get Bertram to help us. While you're at it, tell Bertram to tie up the woman and come here.
Ernie the Chicken: Right boss!
Chris decides to do a sneak attack after Ernie the Chicken follow's Vinnie's order. Vinnie and New Brian had no idea Chris was behind them. Chris had a broken cigar in his mouth and spits it at Vinnie and New Brian.
New Brian (catches the cigar): I got it!
Vinnie and New Brian try to track down Chris. Only to bump into each other.
New Brian: Where do you suppose he went?
Vinnie: Did you see him?
New Brian: No but we'll get him!
Chris breaks a huge light blub over New Brian's head. Then runs over to where Vinnie was and breaks a glass pitcher over Vinnie's head. Meanwhile in the room with the bed and table. Lois wakes up from fainting.
Lois: Oh Peter. Where ever could you be!
Bertram enters the room where Lois is. Bertram begins to chase Lois around the table. Luck takes a bad turn when Ernie the Chicken comes in and joins Bertram in pursuing Lois.
Lois: PETER! PETER! SAVE ME! SURE COULD USE SOME HELP HERE!!!
In the woods Peter was still charging into town, speeding on his horse. Bertram and Ernie the Chicken had Lois trapped. Both of them were pulling Lois as is they were playing tug of war.
Lois: Please! Stop! I'm just a poor defenseless woman!
Slipping her hand out of Ernie The Chicken's grip, Lois punches Ernie the Chicken then does the same to Bertram. Knocking them both on the floor.
Lois: Oh no! What have I done...(faints onto the bed)
In the back room of the bar, Brian had a wooden branch from a tree. Stewie was behind the dog. Vinnie was lividly looking for either Brian, Chris, or Stewie. Brian managed to knock out Vinnie. However, Brian by accident conked out Stewie.
Brian: Stewie! Stewie! I'm sorry! Wake up!
It was already too late. Vinnie had grabbed Brian. New Brian grabs Stewie. Peter was on his swift fast horse riding in to save the day. Bertram had come from being knocked out by Lois.
Vinnie: Bertram! Did you make any progress?
Bertram: I got the safe open!
Vinnie: What about the girl?
Bertram: She packed a wallop.
Vinnie: Ahhh, forget her. We'll tie up these twat asses instead!
Brian and Stewie were being tied up together back to back by New Brian, Chris comes out of a box from where he was hiding. Once Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram spot Chris.
Stewie: CHRIS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Chris runs away as Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram chase after him.
Brian: Ahhh! Who's idea was this for us to reenact a Three Stooges episode! (struggles against the ropes.)
Of all the episodes Punchy Cowpunchers had to be the one chosen!
Stewie: The Fat Man, who else! I don't recall seeing this in our contract! That's for sure! (struggling against the ropes)
Brian: Why couldn't we have reenacted the Laurel and Hardy episode A Perfect Day instead?
Stewie: Agree with that, Bri. At least that would've been more safer than this!
Brian: Let's just try to get loose and help Chris. And one more thing.
Stewie: What's that, Bri?
Brian: When we are done with this I am going to kick Peter's testicles into his ass!
Chris runs back into the main room of the bar. He goes for the door. Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram were hot on his trail. Chris hoots fearfully when he sees Vinnie, New Brian, and Bertram. Chris decides to go into the safe.
Scene 9:
Vinnie decides to open the safe and assumes Chris was gone.
New Brian: He's gone!
Vinnie: I don't give a fuck! Let's empty that safe and get out of here fast! (tries to open the hatch to the safe.) I thought you said you opened this, Bertram.
Bertram: I did.
Chris was holding onto the hatch from inside.
New Brian: Do you know the combination?
Bertram: Sure do! Leave this all to me! (tries to open the safe)
The hatch from inside begins to move around. Chris spins the hatch around. Leaving Vinnie and Bertram confused.
Chris: Ha! That'll show 'em!
Vinnie tries to open the safe, Chris continues to spin the hatch around some more.
Bertram: This can only mean one thing!
New Brian: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Vinnie: He's in there! That's settles it. We'll blast him with dynamite!
New Brian and Bertram get a dynamite stick and light it. Vinnie drills a hole into the safe.
Chris: (gulps): Well I'm doomed.
Brian and Stewie made their way into the main room of the bar despite being tied up.
New Brian: It's not easy being stuck together! Whats wrong, can't come unglued?!
Vinnie: Glad you guys came. You're just in time for the big show!
Brian: What big show!
Stewie: What shit are you trying to pull now?
Vinnie: For now I'm going to keep my eye on you two. New Brian, go see what's holding up the Calvary!
The horse Peter Griffin was riding on was running. With no Peter on it! A caption reads: HE FELL OFF AGAIN! Lois awakens after fainting. She was about to leave the room with the bed and table. Then Ernie The Chicken regains consciousness. Starting to terrorize Lois one more. Lois knocks out Ernie the Chicken onto the floor again without hesitation.
Ernie The Chicken: BBAAA-GGGOOOCCCKKK!
Lois faints on the couch in the room. At the main room of the bar. Brian and Stewie struggle to get free from the ropes when they see Vinnie and Bertram try to blow up Chris who's inside the safe. Bertram throws the dynamite stick in the hole where he drilled. Chris sees the dynamite stick.
Chris: A sparkler! YIKES! (puts the dynamite stick back through the hole): NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Vinnie and Bertram were holding their ears in case if the dynamite stick explodes. What they didn't know was Chris put the dynamite stick back through the hole. Vinnie sees the dynamite stick and puts it back in the hole in the safe. Chris picks up the dynamite stick and pushes it back out. This time around, Vinnie has his hand though the hole.
Chris: Ooooooh! I knew this had to be a possibility!
Getting an idea, Chris put the flaming end of the dynamite stick that burns Vinnie's paw.
Vinnie: OUCH!
The dynamite stick was about to explode.
Bertram: Look out!
The dynamite stick exploded. Blowing Vinnie and Bertram out of their cowboy boots. Getting out of hiding from the safe, Chris sees the dynamite stick caused a lot of extensive damage to the bar. New Brian was laying down with broken bar tables on him. Chris runs over to Brian and Stewie who were still tied up.
Chris: What are you guys doing? Playing Missionary Position?!
Brian: We were captured you dumbass!
Stewie: Come on! Untie us!
Entering the bar, Peter had arrived. With his guitar in his hand. Chris untied Brian and Stewie.
Peter: Where's Lois?!
Brian: In the other room.
Peter went into the room where Lois was. Lois is filled with regret over punching out Ernie The Chicken.
Lois: Oh no. What have I done?! (cries)
Peter: Lois, honey!
Lois: PETER!
Peter and Lois embrace as they hug and kiss.
Lois: Oh, I've been waiting for you...
Peter: I'm here now, Lois honey!
Vinnie and Bertram came crashing down after being lifted into the air by the force of the dynamite stick. Brian and Stewie. all tie up Vinnie, Bertram, and New Brian. Chris comes in with an unconscious Doug who was hit by Lois.
Chris: Got another one! (throws Doug with Vinnie, Bertram, and New Brian)
Stewie: Wow! Great work!
Brian: Will you look at this. We captured them all.
Peter and Lois run into the main room of the bar.
Stewie: We got all of them. Including Vinnie their leader.
Lois: Oh isn't this wonderful Peter! Now we can get married.
Peter: Now wait a minute, Lois. Us westerners ain't the marrying type. (gets his guitar) We just go riding off into the sunset.
Stewie: He must be a repressed gay.
Peter (plays guitar and sings): Oh give me a home where the Buffalos.....
Before Peter can sing, Lois hits him on the head with a glass jar and makes him flip over onto the floor. Stewie does the same to Lois who too falls into the floor.
Brian: Why did you do that for?
Stewie: It was just going to lead to a sappy ending.
Chris: Oh look they're getting up.
Peter and Lois weren't effected badly enough from getting hit with glass jars. Lois and Peter embrace once more.
Lois: Peter! (sighs)
Peter: (sighs) Lois honey.
Stewie: Shit! A sappy ending after all!
Brian: Awww, let them. They're perfect for each other.
Chris: We oughta watch! Maybe they'll fuck!
Stewie (slaps Chris): Shit ass gutter brain!
THE END
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