Categories > Cartoons > Paradise PD
Viva Las Honolulu
0 reviewsRandall takes the Paradise PD to Las Vegas to visit his rich uncle Nelson. Fitz obtains property in Hawaii from Brett DeMarco via Craig's List.
0Unrated
Note: A friend of mine I used to know from Futurama Madhouse. RubyFlower77 now known as Ravenfish598 gave me permission to use an OC she created. So thank you, Ravenfish598 for letting me use your OC.
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title:
Viva Las Honolulu
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Las Vegas. Full of Casinos, Bright Lights, Theme Parks, and an occasional celebrity. It's the place where the Paradise PD are in as of right now. Inside a huge mansion, there was Randall Crawford waiting for his uncle's arrival. Upon waiting he has his fellow PD officers clean up the mansion before meeting him. Each of them had a job to do. Dusty was using a vacuum, Randall was changing light bulbs on ceiling lamps and cleaning ceiling lamps while on a ladder. Bullet and Stanley were dusting. Kevin was killing ants, Gina was cleaning mirrors and windows.
Steely Dan's Show Biz Kids was playing.
Dusty: Wow! Your uncle has so many carpets in here. Even in the kitchen.
Randall: I know, right. Money can buy you anything!
Bullet: Why are you making us clean his mansion for?
Gina: Yeah, shouldn't we be hitting the casinos about now?
Randall: Listen! I'm making you do all this work is because I want us to make a good impression on my Uncle Nelson.
Kevin: Okay, the ants are gone. Is this cleaning spree done yet?
Randall: No! It's far from over. Once Uncle Nelson sees what an awesome job we did! He'll let us play in his casino!
Gina: The more motivation the better I guess.
Dusty: I forgot to being my lucky underwear like I had in Twatamala.
Bullet: Dusty you dumb shit. This is a fanfic. Twatmala never existed.
Gina: Yeah and therefore I never dated Kevin.
Kevin: It's better just to be partners and friends, Gina.
Gina: Oooh Boy! When I get to Randall's Uncle's Casino. I'm going to dress like a showgirl. And if some perv pinches me in the ass! BAM! Blow his head off with the punch of my fist!
Stanley: Las Vegas! Last time I was here I was a groupie for the Rat Pack!
Bullet: I'm going to do so much drugs and have so much sex! Hopefully some of these Las Vegas women are into midget men who I intend to disguise as. Ahh! Las Vegas! Las Bullet!
Gina: You got that from Married with Children.
Bullet: How do you know about that show and episode?
Gina: Heard my family talk about it while I was in the coma.
Randall: OKay shut up now and get back to work! All of you!
Dusty (taking the sweeper and going around Randall on the ladder.): While The Poor People Sleeping In the Shade Of The Light......Las Vegas! Las Vegas! Las Vegas!
Noticing the wire to the vacuum was stuck, Dusty soon took notice.
Dusty: Hmm, why is this vacuum cord suddenly get short? Oh well.
Trying to vacuum some more, realizing he needed a bigger cord. Pulling on the vacuum cord, Dusty unknowingly pulls the cord and knocks Randall off the ladder. The bucket Randall was using spilled on the floor. Randall landed next to a electrical socket and his finger stuck inside.
Randall (falls off ladder and screams): MOTHER FUCKER!
Stanley: We got a man down! Isn't that what you say at a time like this?
Kevin (runs to Randall): DAD! ARE YOU OKAY?!
Randall (getting electricuted): BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLLLL! (Randall's skeleton shows)
Kevin tries to help Randall get his finger out of the socket. Kevin then gets electricuted too.
Randall and Kevin (both screaming): BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLLLLLL!
Both Kevin's and Randall's skeletons show and the words, EAT AT JOES light up above them both.
Dusty: Oh no! I didn't know! I'm so sorry.
Gina takes Randall by the feet and pulls him out that causes Randall's finger to get out of the light socket and pushes Kevin away.
Randall: Thank you Gina. Not only are you my best cop, you're my best cleaner too.
Gina: No problem!
Kevin: Dad! Are you hurt in any way?
Randall: No I am not! Who the fuck made me fall?
Dusty (raises his hand): Guilty your honor!
Randall (sees the water puddle): You made this mess, you clean it! What is Uncle Nelson going to say if he sees this water spot?
Dusty: On it, Randall!
Gina: I'll supervise you!
Dusty and Gina both get towels to clean up the water spot.
Kevin: Anything you'd like me to do Dad?
Randall: Yes, Kevin. Go make the beds.
Kevin: But I don't know how to. Mom usually does that for us.
Randall: Well Mom isn't here is she?
Kevin: What do you think I am a maid? Why doesn't Uncle Nelson hire a maid instead of you making us do all this shit?
Stanley: I used to be a French Maid once in the Roaring 20's! They don't call it Gay Parree for nothing!
Randall: Uncle Nelson doesn't believe in maids. I'll say it once I'll say it again! Make the beds!
Kevin: Yeah? Who's going to make me?
Randall: The Incredible Shrinking Man will. (points to the floor)
Kevin: I don't see no....
Randall pushes Kevin into a bedroom with his foot. Kevin flies into the bedroom until he lands on a bed.
Kevin: Stupid asshole Father. Make the bed.
Taking the sheets and putting them on the bed Kevin uses the fitted sheet first then the blanket.
Kevin: Hmm, that was easy actually.
Gina and Dusty wiped up the water spot.
Dusty: Thank the stars we don't have to worry about Fitz the Kingpin here.
Gina: Yeah, no shit. Who knows what's he's cooking up.
Still under orders from Randall to clean up his Uncle's Mansion. Randall thinks he hears a car pull up.
Randall: Holy fuck! He's here!
The car just passes by.
Randall: Good. That wasn't him. Don't want him to see this mess. Another rule I'm enforcing! No talking about Fitz The Kingpin while we're here!
Gina: Fair enough to me.
Dusty: We're here to have fun.
Bullet: We'll solve crimes later.
Scene 2:
Back in Paradise Georgia at the Dippin Dots Building. Fitz was having a meeting with his Legion of DOOOOOM.
Fitz: I was thinking Legion of DOOOOOM, we should branch out. Someplace else.
Pat Robertson: How about Virginia? That's where I used to film the 700 Club.
Fitz: Somewhere more out west.
Pat Robertson: Castro Valley?
Frank Flipperfist: What better place than LA!
Jerry: (gurgles)
Fitz: No! LA is overrated. Pick another place.
Russian Mobster: Arizona perhaps. Because it's 100...200...300 kilometers! HA HA HA!
Fitz: Don't know you're American Geography very well. Nobody uses the metric system here! Ideas people!
Marcos Narcos: A place out west you say. New Mexico!
Fitz: NO!
Pedro Pooptooth: Wyoming puto! Like Sal wanted to go to in Dog Day Afternoon.
Fitz: NO!
Puffy the Cigarette: Oregon?
Brett DeMarco runs inside with some big news.
Fitz: Brett DeMarco! My best man. Where do you think we should branch out in our meth business?
Brett DeMarco: How about Honolulu?
Fitz: Hawaii? What brings you to this train of thought?
Brett DeMarco: Because I just bought some land there on Craig's List dirt cheap.
Russian Mobster: That website sells things for 1..2...3...4...5...6! 6! dollars! HA HA HA!
Fitz: Brett, you're a genius! That's where we'll build a new meth lab! Honolulu!
Brett DeMarco: Oh and something else too, Kingpin.
Fitz: What is it?
Brett DeMarco: We got a new recruit!
Breaking into the wall a'la The Kool Aid Man, an oriental looking man in a ninja suit with a samurai sword enters the room
Fitz: And who are you?
The man's name was Slammo Hung.
Slammo Hung: Greetings. I am Slammo Hung! I want to join your Legion of DOOOOOM! Hi-YA!!
Fitz: Hmmm, We can use a man like you in our gang! You're in!
Brett DeMarco: How would you like to come to Honolulu with us?
Slammo Hung: Yes! I come Honolulu!
Frank Flipperfist: Are we coming to?
Pedro Pooptooth: Yeah should we?
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! Are we invited.
Fitz: NO! You guys stay here and watch over the Dipin Dots building the make meth here in Paradise!
Brett DeMarco: Yeah! Only me, Fitz, Zeta, and Slammo Hung are coming.
Pat Robertston: Just as well. I had a bad sexual experience in Hawaii that I don't want to speak of.
Slammo Hung uses his sword to slice a chair in half.
Fitz: Excellent! Russian Mobster charge up the DOOOOOM Jet! Zeta! Pack your bags! We're going to put some lime in the coconuts! (laughs evilly)
Scene 3:
At Uncle Nelson's Casino. He was sitting in his office. Looking out the window. Uncle Nelson had on a cowboy hat, tan suit, and boots. Uncle Nelson was a fat man in his 70s.
Nelson: What a magnificent sight. I wonder if my nephew Randall will ever come to visit?
A telephone rings and a woman says, "You got some visitors."
Nelson: Send them in.
The visitors come in and were wearing black robes.
Nelson: Uhhh, can I help you?
Man #1: We want to buy your casino.
Nelson: You ass fuckers want dibs on my Casino that I worked so hard to build?! NEVER!
Man #2: Maybe this will change your mind.
The group of people wearing black robes had guns on Uncle Nelson.
Nelson: Who the fuck are you sick people?
Man #3: We're the Illuminati!
Nelson: You think I'll give into Satanists like you?
Man #4: I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice!
Man #1: Very well, get your guns, men!
The Illuminati got out their guns and shot up Nelson's office.
Nelson: WHAT IS THIS! THE UNTOUCHABLES ALL OF A SUDDEN?! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS! MY NEPHEW IS AN OFFICER OF THE LAW FROM GEORGIA AND HE.....
The Illuminati knocked out Nelson with a wooden club before he could say anymore. Then the Illuminati find a huge safe where Nelson kept all his money.
Man #1: Now this Casino is ours! (laughs evilly)
The Illuminati run away after they get away with the money. Nelson slowly comes to.
Nelson: Randall! My nephew! I need your help!
Walking around his office he sees all the damage the Illuminati has done.
Nelson: MY WORK! MY WORK! My gosh this is just like Darkman!
Falling to the ground and crying at everything he lost, Nelson saw that the Illuminati broke into his safe.
Nelson: They....took...my money....they took my Casino.
At the last minute one of the Illuminati runs back inside and gets and shows Nelson an affadavit he has as proof that he owns the Casino.
Man #2: The Casino is ours now, bitch! Enjoy the streets asshole!
Nelson went into fetal position and cried his eyes out.
Man #2 (throws Nelson out his office window): Thank you for choosing Illuminati Airlines! Be sure to put your table tray in the upright position!
Nelson (lands in the ground): Randall! (cries) Randall! You're the only one who can help me! (cries)
Scene 4:
In the Legion of DOOOOOM jet that Fitz owned. Russian Mobster was flying the plane.
Russian Mobster: We will land in Honolulu in 1...2...3...4.....4 hours! HA HA HA!
In the back of the plane where the seats are. Fitz, Brett and Zeta were interviewing their newest recruit, Slammo Hung.
Fitz: So Slammo Hung, please do tell us about yourself.
Slammo: I was part of a Ninja Gang back in Paradise. Originally I am from Hong Kong. So were my gang.
Brett DeMarco: Hmmm, interesting. What type of crimes did you commit?
Slammo: Murder for one. Kidnapping as well. We even kidnapped an elderly man named Stanley Hopsin.
Fitz: You went against the Paradise PD? They're our enemies too.
Zeta: Do you got any fighting skills, dude?
Slammo: Yes, Kenjustu. Why else do you think I have this sword?
Fitz: Perfect we could use a man like you in our Legion of DOOOOOM!
Brett DeMarco: Was your group from Hong Kong.
Slammo: Yes we were. Then we wanted to come to the States. Preferably a small hick town where nobody knows anything. Not a big city like New York, or Chicago.
Fitz: I see. Why did you leave the group?
Slammo: Just like the movie Logan's Run, once you reach the age of 30, you're considered too old to be in the Ninja Gang I was in.
Fitz: Well, you're never too old to be a part of the Legion of DOOOOOM!
Slammo and Fitz shake hands.
Zeta (looks out the window): Daddy Fitz! I think we're almost in Hawaii!
Fitz (looks out the window): Why so it is! (over a walkie talkie) Russian Mobster. As soon as you land us in Honolulu. Go right back to Paradise. You're temporary Kingpin until I come back.
Russian Mobster: Yes sir Fitz. Here's an amazing fact Hawaii has 1...2....3....4....5...6....7...8....8 Islands! HA HA HA!
Fitz: Think you could be wrong there.
Russian Mobster lands the Legion of DOOOOOM jet outside on Honolulu onto the land that Brett DeMarco bought.
Scene 5:
In Las Vegas at Nelson's mansion. The cleaning Randall had his PD officers do was finally done.
Randall: Aside from a few fuck ups, I say we did an excellent job.
Kevin: I even made the beds.
Gina: So, when is your uncle supposed to come?
Dusty: Yeah, we waited here forever.
Randall: Any minute now. I want to surprise him.
A telephone rings.
Dusty: Better go get that.
Randall goes to answer the phone.
Bullet: Do we really have to wait for Uncle Nelson to come home? Can't we just hit the casinos now?
Dusty: I know right! Heard Las Vegas has some great restaurants and even water parks!
Randall (over phone): Hello? Randall Crawford.
Nelson (over phone): Randall! Nephew! Is that you?
Randall (over phone): Why yes it is. We came to visit you, we even cleaned your mansion.
Nelson (over phone): I'm afraid I won't be living in that mansion anymore.
Randall (over phone): Why? What's the matter?
Nelson (over phone): My casino was robbed and taken over by the Illuminati!
Stanley, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin were listening in.
Dusty (whispering): Who are they Illuminati?
Bullet: Think it has something to do with Scientology. I could be wrong.
Randall (over phone): OH NO! Uncle Randall! NO shit! That's awful. Where you are now?
Nelson (over phone): I'm living in a trailer outside Vegas. Here I'll give you the address.....
Gina: Did any of you hear that?
Dusty: Heard what?
Gina: These twat waffle Illuminati assholes stole his uncle's casino! Can't wait to bust their asses.
Nelson and Randall were finishing their phone conversation.
Randall (over phone): We will be right over. Good bye.
Kevin: Guess we got a crime on our hands.
Stanley: That was a name of a Three Stooges episode. I was a bit actor in that one. Kenneth McDonald was good in bed.
Dusty: Are we going to have to help Uncle Neslon?
Bullet: Seems like it. There goes my good time with gambling, hookers, drugs, and whores.
Randall: Paradise PD listen up. My Uncle Nelson is in serious trouble.
Kevin: What exactly happened Dad?
Randall: Well, you always listen in on my phone conversations Kevin. Here's the deal. My Uncle Nelson got robbed by some Satanic assholes called The Illuminati!
Bullet: Oh so it isn't Scientology. Go on, Randall.
Randall: The Illuminati took everything from him. Then he was forced to move into a desert trailer. As Police Officers of the law. It's up to us to help him.
Gina: Wait until I get my hands on those Illuminati fuckers! I'll disembowel them from the inside out!
Randall: In due time, Gina. First we need to find out where they are hiding.
Kevin: A case! Wasn't expecting this.
Randall: We have no time to lose. We're going into our Rental Car we got from Enterprise.
Bullet: Thank God we didn't choose Hertz! If anything we should've used Dollar that one Leslie Nielson did commercials for.
Kevin: Come on, PD! Follow my Dad! A family member needs our help!
Running out of Nelson's mansion one by one, The Paradise PD all run into the airport rental car and go over the Uncle Nelson's new home. A desert trailer.
Bullet: I just thought of something.
Dusty: What is it?
Bullet: We just went from being the Paradise PD to Reno 911! (laughs) Get it?
Kevin: I do! Both are cop shows!
Dusty: Good one, Bullet! And wouldn't we know. We're in Nevada!
Gina: Yeah, but only we're animated.
Randall (sighs): Even if fanfics you fuck wads can never resist going fourth wall!
Scene 6:
Just underground Nelson's Casino. The Illuminati had their underground hideout.
Man #1: Perfect. We can rule the casino from underneath.
Man #2: Who's going to run the office?
Man #1: Fuck the office. We got everything we need to run the casino right here.
Man #2: Okay. That's cool I guess.
Man #3: We got the money in a place where no one shall us will ever know about!
The wall opened to reveal the money. All the Illuminati members were going Oooh! Ahhhh! Then the wall closed.
Man #1: Illuminati come gather! For we shall do our ritual dance in our of our lord and savior, Satan! Aka Lucifer!
All the Illuminati members danced around in the circle to the song If I Got No Loot By Toni! Toni! Tone!
In Honolulu, Fitz, Slammo, Brett, and Zeta were standing on the land Brett had bought.
Brett DeMarco: This! This will be the perfect place for us to build a meth lab and building on this vacant ground.
Fitz: I'm glad you made the right choice. It's out in the middle of nowhere. Now if only we could get some people to work for us.
Some Hawaiian Natives who were dressed as Hula Dancers lead by a King surrounded Fitz, Zeta, Brett, and Slammo.
Zeta: Are they going to put on a show for us?
Slammo: Perfect! We can use them.
Native King: Ah ha! We were expecting you!
Fitz: Expecting us? Why?
Brett DeMarco: You don't even know us.
Slammo: Stand back guys. (getting in a fighting stance)
Native King: No no no. No need for that.
Fitz: Whatever it is,stay away from the girl! She's my adoptive daughter!
Native King: I might as well tell you. I am King Ah Yamma Yamma!
Fitz: Yeah, so?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: I was hoping some people will come to this land.
Brett DeMarco: Okay, King Ah Yamma Yamma Blamma whatever the fuck you're called. This happens to be our land! I bought it on Craig's List!
King Ah Yamma Yamma: I might as well confess. I was the one who sold this land on Craig's List. Hoping someone will buy it.
Slammo: Why? You did lure us here to kill us?
Zeta: I bet these guys are cannibals.
King Ah Yamma Yamma: No no. You see. Since you are all here. You all will fulfill an Ancient Prophecy.
Fitz: All right. What's the 'prophecy'?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: Our land was being terrorized by a half man half bear creature called Bear Thing.
Brett DeMarco: Oh I get it. Ha ha. Like Swamp Thing.
King Ah Yamma Yamma: This used to be a peaceful village for my people. Until Bear Thing came around and slaughtered and butchered most of my people. Then burned down our village. Bear Thing has attacked our people for thousands of years.
Fitz: What do you want us to do about it?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: The four of you will track down Bear Thing. Kill him. Then after what's left of my people will give you anything you desire.
Fitz: Fine! We'll do it.
Brett DeMarco: Awesome! I want to be the one that kills that mother fucker!
Zeta: Wow! I want to help out too!
Slammo: NO! I have the ninja skills! I want to kill him!
Brett DeMarco: No! I want the pleasure! I run a pharmaceutical company. I've killed so many people and I want the honor of this! For, I have the best skills ever! The skills I learned in the Army!
Slammo: NO! I KILL BEAR THING!
Brett DeMarco: NOT YOU! ME!! I'm the best man on the...
Fitz: Quiet! Stop both of you! It doesn't fucking matter who kills Bear Thing!
Zeta: We can all settle this by killing Bear Thing together.
Fitz: See, Zeta's right. We'll all take part in killing Bear Thing.
King Ah Yamma Yamma: Oh thank you so much! This pleases King Ah Yamma Yamma!
Slammo: When was the last time you saw Bear Thing?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: He usually hides out in a cave and attacks at night.
Fitz: We'll use my iphone to find out where the cave is!
Brett DeMarco, Zeta, and Slammo all follow Fitz to try to find the cave.
Scene 7:
The Paradise PD were now inside a two room trailer in the desert which was now where Uncle Nelson was living. Uncle Nelson was in the bathroom, naked in a bathtub crying his eyes out.
Nelson: Why? Why? Why? What did I do to deserve all this! WHY!
Randall (breaks into the bathroom): Paradise PD! We're here to save you, Uncle Nelson!
Nelson (stops crying): Randall! SO glad you're here.
Randall: All you need to do is tell us where your Casino is.
Nelson: You can't miss it. Right in the middle of the Vegas Strip.
Kevin: Oh, Uncle Nelson. My heart goes out to you. Feel bad that this happened to you.
Dusty: If anyone can get your casino back it's us!
Gina: We're very good at planning and strategies.
Bullet: With us on the case you'll get your casino back in no time flat!
Nelson: So, how you are guys going to to it?
Randall: Simple really. We will disguise ourselves as hopeless assholes who lost their way.
Gina: Yes and then we'll convince those Illuminati twat waffles that we want to join them and be loyal to them.
Nelson: But but what if you get caught?
Bullet: Gina could get us out if things get bad.
Gina: You should see me get brutal!
Stanley: She fights better than those Wresting Women from Doctor Of Doom!
Kevin: We're going to get your Casino back no matter what!
Randall: Yep those Illuminati sons of bitches are as good as dead.
Nelson: Thank you so much, dear nephew.
Stanley: So we doing this or what!
Kevin: Yes we are! You'll be back in your mansion and never have to live in a trailer again.
Bullet: We'll be back! Let's go everyone!
Nelson (stops Randall): Oh and before you go, Randall?
Randall: Yes, Uncle Nelson?
Nelson: I've always liked you better than your cousin Woody.
Randall: Thanks! I'm flattered!
The Paradise PD were now on their way to Uncle Nelson's casino in their airport rental car.
Dusty: Dammit! I wish we could've brought our own cop cars.
As they were driving there getting to the middle of the Vegas Strip, they see what used to be Uncle Nelson's Casino which was now called The Illuminati Casino.
Kevin: Oh look we're here.
Gina: Fuck check out the sign now.
Bullet: Guess that's a dead giveaway!
Randall: Step out of the car! We got work to do!
Kevin: A family member is in danger! (gets out a suitcase) Grab a costume, people.
Stanley (sporting on a dominatrix outfit): Already in my disguise.
Randall: Stanley's got the right idea, everyone get in disguise!
Kevin dresses as a drunken barfly. Randall dresses as a clown, Bullet's disguise is a Texas Businessman in a cowboy outfit. Gina decides to dress up like a cheap prostitute, Dusty is dressed as Robot Monster.
Randall: Goddammit Dusty! Why the fuck are you dressed like Robot Monster!
Dusty: This is the only thing that can fit me!
Randall: Oh all fucking right! We'll just say you escaped from a halfway house!
As the Paradise PD in their disguises were about to enter what was now the Illuminati Casino. As they all went though the front door, Randall used a tracking device. It picked up the Illuminati's location which was their underground lair in the basement of the casino.
Randall: Ah ha! This tracking device detects body heat.
Kevin: What does that prove Dad?
Randall: The Illuminati is underneath the casino.
Gina: Let's try to find a stairway!
Bullet: Good thinking Gina! We'll go Down the Up Staircase! Anyone understand that? Like Up The Down Staircase.
Randall: We know what you're getting at!
Kevin (points to an elevator): Or we can take the elevator.
Dusty: I don't do stairs very good. I prefer the elevator anyway.
Stanley: Hope nobody notices us.
Kevin leads Randall, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley to the elevator. People who were gambling at the casino were all laughing at them.
Person #1: Look at those fucking burn outs!
Person #2: Yeah, what losers!
Person #3: Typical Las Vegas assholes!
Ignoring the heckling, The Paradise PD go inside the elevator to the bottom floor.
Randall: Now we join them!
Scene 8:
In Honolulu. Fitz, Brett, Slammo, and Zeta found the cave where Bear Thing was living.
Zeta: That must be the cave, Daddy Fitz.
Fitz: Why indeed it is!
Slammo: How should we do this? Go into the cave and look for it?
Brett DeMarco: No, asstard! We need lure out Bear Thing!
Fitz: Brett, that is a capital idea!
Slammo: How will we get him out?
Fitz: What's the thing that bears love most?
Zeta: Honey, doesn't seem to be any here in Hawaii.
Brett DeMarco goes to a coconut tree and knocks one down.
Slammo: A coconut?
Brett DeMarco: Bears are attracted to sweet smells. Open this, Slammo!
Slammo uses his samurai sword to slice open the coconut.
Fitz: Oh excellent!
Brett DeMarco then fills the coconut halves with all sorts of drugs. Then gathers a bunch of branches and starts a fire to boil the coconut milk.
Zeta: Wow! Great plan, Uncle Brett!
Fitz: Oh yes! (wringing his hands) When we murder Bear Thing. These natives promised us we can have whatever we want from them.
Zeta: What are you going to do with the natives, Daddy Fitz?
Fitz: Have them build our meth lab and make them work in it as our slaves!
Brett DeMarco: Okay! The trap is set. Once the Bear Thing smells the coconut milk, he'll have to come out.
Fitz: Then he'll drink the coconut milk and end up killing itself with drugs! Damn Brett! You are the best right hand man a Kingpin can ever ask for! I know I keep saying that!
Slammo: Yes, but one thing?
Fitz: Trying to be a killjoy are we, Slammo?
Slammo: No. This plan might not work. Perhaps Bear Thing won't effected by the drugs.
Fitz: It has to!
Brett DeMarco: Every living thing gets effected by drugs!
Slammo: What If He Ain't Dead By Morning?!
Fitz: The fuck! You think this is going to be like The Man In The Wilderness?
Slammo: Just trying to lay out all the possibilities!
Fitz: Whatever!
Brett DeMarco, Fitz, Zeta, and Slammo all hear a roar from inside the cave.
Zeta: Seems to be working so far.
Slammo: Forgot to add, before I came to America I used to watch a lot of 1970's wilderness movies to learn English.
Fitz: We don't need to know your life story! For right now. Concentrate on getting Bear Thing out of the fucking cave.
Slammo: Oh all right.
Soon afterwards, Bear Thing made it's way out of the cave. Sniffing the air. Bear Thing walks over to the halved coconuts.
Fitz: We got his ass!
Bear Thing begins to drink the hot coconut milk filled with the drugs Brett DeMarco put inside.
Fitz: If Bear Thing goes psycho after drinking the coconut milk, we all kill him together.
Zeta: You'll have your Honolulu Meth Lab soon, Daddy Fitz.
Brett DeMarco slaps Slammo in the face.
Fitz: Brett! The hell!
Slammo: That was some uncalled for shit, Brett!
Brett DeMarco (mocking Slammo's voice): What if he ain't dead by morning....pissed me off so bad....
Fitz: Any minute now......
Zeta: Bear Thing finished the drink.
Scene 9:
Roaming around the underground lair of the Illuminati. The Paradise PD were soon spotted by the members.
Man #1: You there! What are you all doing here?
Man #2: Explain yourselves at once!
Randall: Uhhh, we are people who have lost our way. Look at me! I'm a burned out party clown!
Gina: Yes! Looking for a higher power to reform us. I'm a cheap whore prostitute. Just like that Amy Fisher girl from the 90s.
Kevin: I used to be a bartender! Now I am a lowly alcoholic Barfly as Mickey Rourke once was.
Stanley: I'm a sex addicted dominatrix!
Dusty: I escaped from a halfway house after I committed highway robbery in my Robot Monster costume.
Bullet: Not me, though! I'm nothing like these flunkees.
Man #3: What the fuck are you supposed to be?
Bullet: I'm a Texas businessman!
Man #4: Are any of you looking to join us?
Bullet: Yes! How did you know!
Man #5: Then come gather around.
Man #6: If you're looking for a club to help you solve your problems.
Man #7: You came to the right place.
Randall: We're in, everybody.
Gina, Kevin, Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, and Randall all cheer.
Bullet: Don't mind me. I was just looking for a higher power. You know, there's more to the world than money!
Man #1: But first, we will reveal to you our most secret of all secrets.
Kevin: This is kind of like those Dungeons and Dragons games I play with Eric, Dungeon Master, and Quohand.
The First Man in the Illuminati presses a remote and a wall opens to reveal a vault that had the money and the affidavit they had stolen from Nelson earlier.
Randall: Wow! You guys are loaded.
Dusty (sees the affidavit): What's that white paper thingy?
Kevin: Shhh! Not now Dusty.
Man #2: You guys are newcomers so you are all going to spend some time in here for a while and cleanse yourselves.
Man #3: For you all need great darkness if you want to join our humble little cult....I mean club!
The Illuminati members shut the door to the vault. Bullet uses his iphone for a light.
Bullet: This is it you guys! That's the money!
Randall: Yes Bullet I know that.
Gina: The white thing Dusty mentioned must be the proof that your Uncle owns this casino.
Randall: Precisely. An affidavit it's called.
Kevin: Question is? How are we going to get all of this money out?
Stanley: Who better to use than Fatty Arbuckle? (points to Dusty) I helped him kill Virginia Madsen!
Dusty: Who's Fatty Arbuckle?
Bullet: He means you!
Dusty: But why? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing?
Gina: You're the fattest one here! That's the reasons! Besides, do what you do best! Swallow!
Dusty: Swallow? What exactly!
Gina: The money! (points to the stolen money)
Dusty: But I've never eaten money before.....
Kevin: This is our only chance to save Uncle Nelson's casino.
Gina takes the affidavit and puts it in her pocket.
Bullet: You'll have to Dusty. Pretend like you're eating a shrimp platter!
Dusty: Well I do like shrimp platters.....guess I don't have a choice!
Kevin: You can do it, Dusty!
Dusty began to swallow the money. Gina begins to get aroused.
Randall: And when you're done, you're going to hold it in.
Gina: Ooooh! Momma Likey! Don't stop what you're doing there! (about to touch herself) Shit! I left my vibrator at home!
Stanley: While he's holding in the money inside him we'll distract these cock sucker Illuminati folks!
Dusty continues to swallow the money. Getting fatter and fatter by the moment.
Scene 10:
At the land in Honolulu. Bear Thing drank all the coconut milk with the drugs inside. Bear Thing began to have a bad trip, one of those freak outs that drug addicts get. Bear Thing begins to jump up and down zoom around in circles on the ground.
Bear Thing: WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO! HEE BEE BEE BEE BEE! WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO! HEE BEE BEE BEE BEE!
Brett DeMarco: Yes! Got the mother fucker!
Fitz: Yes! Honolulu Meth Lab! We're on our way!
Zeta (laughing): He's acting like both Curly and Shemp!
Bear Thing begins to do sommersaults.
Slammo: Should we get him now?
Fitz: Yes you can! Book 'Em Slammo!
Brett DeMarco: Prove to us that you can be a worthy Legion of DOOOOOM member!
Slammo Hung gets his samurai sword ready to stab Bear Thing to death. Bear Thing however, grabs Slammo in a split second and begins to run away with him.
Fitz: Damn!
Brett DeMarco: He's got Slammo!
Bear Thing runs away with Slammo. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta chased after it.
Slammo: HHELLPP! HHEEELLLPPP!!
Zeta: Maybe we can slow Bear Thing down a little!
Fitz: Excellent concept Zeta! Get your guns ready, Brett!
Brett and Fitz shoot Bear Thing in the back of his shins. Bear Thing falls to the ground.
Zeta: Shoot him some more!
Fitz and Brett then shot Bear Thing in the back and the buttocks. Slammo soon got out of Bear Thing's grip.
Zeta: Bear Thing is down, Slammo! Use the sword!
Slammo uses his samurai sword to slice Bear Thing in half and chopping it's head off. Bear Thing was dead for good. Never to terrorize the natives again.
Fitz: We actually did it!
Brett DeMarco: Bear Thing is dead!
Slammo: Sorry I got caught by him.
Zeta: That's okay dude. You're new at this.
Fitz: Just what Zeta said. With a little more work, you'll be one of my best henchmen.
Brett DeMarco: You'll never be as good as me!
Fitz: Knock off that shit, Brett. I like all my henchmen equally.
King A Yamma Yamma comes out with some natives. They all bow to Fitz, Brett, Slammo, and Zeta.
Slammo: Maybe they'll make us their leaders.
Fitz: We are pleased to inform you. Tell them Brett.
Brett DeMarco: Bear Thing is history!
King A Yamma Yamma: This pleases King A Yumma Yumma! You magic thunder has driven it away.
Zeta: You said your people can give us whatever we want now that we killed Bear Thing.
King A Yamma Yamma: Yes, as a matter of fact. What is it all of you desire the most?
Fitz: Desire you said....
Brett DeMarco: You told us if we killed Bear Thing you'd give us anything....
King A Yamma Yamma: Anything?
Slammo: Yes! Anything....
Fitz (gets an evil look and smile on his face as the screen closes in on him): I'll tell you all what I really want the most.......
Scene 11:
Inside the vault where the Illuminati Hideout was. Dusty finally got done swallowing all the money.
Kevin: Great job, Dusty.
Bullet: Yeah, I knew he had it in him!
Randall: Now we need to get past these ass fuckers and give the casino back!
Stanley: We're locked in.
Gina: Not for long.
Dusty (muffling): I con borely tac....
Gina kicks the door to the vault down. Dusty was now even fatter than before. In fact, Randall, Bullet, Gina, Kevin, and Stanley were now all rolling him. Dusty lets out a squeak loud enough for the Illuminati to hear. Fortunately, Dusty did not vomit out any money.
Man #1: Hey! Where do you guys think you're going!
Man #2: We told you to stay and embrace the darkness.
Randall: Your darkness can go fuck itself!
Stanley: Yeah we're not really a bunch of low lives who wanted to join you to better ourselves.
Kevin: We're really...
Stanley, Bullet, Randall, Kevin, Gina, expect for Dusty all took off their disguises.
Randall: Paradise PD!
Kevin: That's right! We're cops.
Gina: We were only pretending to be a bunch of dirtbags!
Man #2: Get them! And kill them!
Bullet: Like to see you try!
Kevin: Fuck! I forgot to bring guns!
Randall: We don't need guns for this! We got Gina!
Dusty: KILL.....ME.....PAIN!!!!!!
Stanley: Gina, after them!
Linkin Park's Keys To The Kingdom plays
Gina fights off the Illuminati members one by one. Gina tears off the arms of the members and hits him on the head. After, she flies into a fat member and tears a hole in his gut. Two Illuminati members try to go after her, Gina kicks him both with a swift foot sweep. More members try to go after the Paradise PD. Gina stops them in their path by jumping on them one at a time causing the members to explode into a pile of blood. The last of the remaining members charge at Gina. However, Gina rips one of their heads off and uses the head as a bowling ball that hits all the other Illuminati Members making a huge massive explosion. The Illuminati were now a thing of the past.
Kevin: Awesome Gina!
Gina: Enough of that thanking shit! We need to take Dusty inside the elevator now!
Randall, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, and Kevin were rolling Dusty into the elevator to go on the main floor of Uncle Nelson's casino.
Dusty: After this is over. I am never doing this again!
Bullet: Never say never.
Scene 12:
Dusty was able to fit inside the elevator despite being more fatter. The elevator stopped at the main floor. All the Paradise PD members got out and contined to roll Dusty to the main front door.
Kevin: Hold on hold on!
Randall: You're gonna make it, kid!
Gina: Hold in the money!
Dusty (muffled): When can I spit it out?
Bullet: As soon as we get back to Nelson's trailer.
Kevin: Thankfully he won't have to live there anymore.
People at the casino were going about their business. That was until a spotlight was shown on Kevin and Randall.
Gina: Whoops! Looks like you guys are on your own!
Stanley: Have fun!
Bullet: Guess we're going to get all the credit for this!
Randall: What in the fuck is THIS all about?
Kevin: That's what I want to know!
The manager of the Casino comes to Kevin and Randall. His name was Paul.
Paul: Why hello! I'm the assistant manager of this place.
Randall: Yeah so?
Paul: We're been looking all over for you.
Kevin: Who do you think we are?
Paul: Why you guys are the singing male strippers Nelson Crawford has sing for the gamblers. And it's Tuesday.
Randall: Fuck! Don't tell me I have to be Summer Sausage again.
Paul: Now why don't you two go up on stage and sing these gamblers a song.
Randall: God dammit!
Kevin: I know! We should be halfway on our way to Uncle Nelson's!
Paul: Ladies and Gentlemen! It's the singing male strippers! Magic Mike and Magic Mark!
The gamblers clap for Kevin and Randall.
Kevin: Shit! These people are expecting a show! What song should we sing?
Randall: I got one! Follow along! (singing) On a Mountain! In Virginia! Stands a Lonesome Pine! Just below is the cabin of a little girl of mine!
Kevin (singing): Her name is June and very very soon. She'll belong to me! For I know she's waiting for me beneath that old pine tree!
Randall and Kevin (singing): In...the....Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia! In Virginia In the Trail of the Lonesome Pine! In the pale moonshine. Our hearts entwine where she carves her name and I carve mine! Oh June! Like the mountains I'm blue! Like the pines I am lonesome for you! In The Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. In the Trail Of The Lonesome Pine.
The gamblers were confused about the song. Until Kevin sings it solo in a deeper tone. Which had the gamblers raise their eyebrows.
Kevin (singing in a lower tone): In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia! In the Trial of the Lonesome Pine! In the pale moonshine our hearts entwine where she carves her name and I carve mine. Oh June! Like the mountains I'm blue! Like the pines, I am lonesome for you.
Randall gets out a police club and hits Kevin over the head with it. The blow to the head didn't effect Kevin. However it caused Kevin to sing the song in a more higher tone.
Kevin (singing in a high pitched tone): In..the....Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia! On the trial of the Lonesome Pine. PPPPPIIIIIIINNNNNEEEEE!!!!
The gamblers were looking at Kevin and Randall in confusion and did not like Kevin's flourish.
Paul: Where the fuck did that come from? You guys don't usually sing shit like that!
Gamblers: BOO BOO BOO BOO! We wanted to hear something by Travis Scott.
Randall and Kevin run out of Uncle Nelson's casino as the gamblers were throwing objects at them. The damage the gamblers made had the Illuminati sign to the casino break into pieces turning it back into Uncle Nelson's casino,
Kevin: Well, we saved Uncle Nelson's casino!
Randall: Remind me to never sing Laurel and Hardy songs with you! Ever again!
Kevin: It's a deal.
Randall and Kevin caught up with Stanley, Gina and Bullet. They all enter the airport rental car and used Dusty as a hot air balloon to fly and make their getaway.
Dusty: WWWWWEEE! I'm flying! I'm like a weather balloon!
Scene 13:
Back at Uncle Nelson's mansion. He could not be more pleased that his mansion was clean and that his nephew Randall saved his casino.
Nelson: It's awesome to be rich again. It's all thanks to you, my favorite nephew.
Dusty: I threw up all that money.
Randall: You're very welcome, Uncle Nelson.
Kevin: You're lucky to be related to cops!
Nelson: Now as a reward. You guys get to spend two weeks here in my mansion.
Bullet: Does this mean we get to play in your casino?
Nelson: That's exactly what he means!
Gina: The whole reason we came here to Vegas!
Stanley: I can sell be a cigars and cigarettes!
Bullet: I don't think so, Stanley! We're here to have fun!
Randall: Well, come on, Paradise PD! Let's hit the slots!
Kevin: Hooray!
Randall drove Gina, Kevin, Bullet, Dusty, and Stanley to Uncle Nelson's casino. There they had the time of their lives. The best two weeks the Paradise PD can ever ask for. All the Paradise PD did everything they wanted to do in Vegas. Stanley sold cigars and cigarettes. Gina dressed as a showgirl and beat up any perverts who tried to mess with her. Dusty went to all the theme parks and restaurants. Bullet did drugs and had sex with so many prostitutes. Kevin went to see a magic show with Penn and Teller. Randall hit the slots. Once they two weeks was done, the Paradise PD all went back to Georgia to their jobs working as policemen. Now they were full of great memories.
Scene 14:
It was back to work for the Paradise PD. As they were driving back to Police Headquarters. Speaking of the excellent time they had in Vegas.
Randall: Damn Vegas is so awesome! Wasn't it!
Kevin: Totally agree Dad!
Gina: We even had fun helping your uncle get back his casino. Boy how I loved beating up those Illuminati assholes!
Bullet: I had so much sex and did so much drugs!
Stanley: You think you had fun well I (falls asleep)
Dusty: Can we go back again one day?
Randall: Yes we're going back next year!
Gina: Yeah! Next year! Mama's gonna come back to Vegas! (hugs Dusty) To book a chapel!
Dusty: Now that we know Randall has an uncle there! We can go to Vegas every year!
Gina: Cool! In a way. I am glad Fitz doesn't work with us anymore. Imagine if he came with us to Vegas.
Dusty: You couldn't be so right about that, Gina. All he'd do is complain.
Kevin: Dad, how come you never told me and Mom about Uncle Nelson?
Randall: Because I was worried you and your Mom will move in with him and forget about me.
Dusty and Kevin both see the Russian Mobster outside the Dippin' Dots building giving orders to Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Jerry, Marcos Narcos, Pat Robertson and Puffy The Cigarette.
Kevin: Hey look. Is that, Russian Mobster?
Dusty: Holy fuck! I see him too.
Gina: Is he the new Kingpin now?
Randall: Kind of looks like it.
Stanley (wakes up): Times change when you're away!
Bullet: If that's the case. I wonder what happened to Fitz and Brett DeMarco?
Two weeks later.
In Honolulu. There was now a fully built Meth Lab on the land that Brett DeMarco had bought. Outside, Slammo Hung was a bouncer inviting people inside.
Slammo: Want to see our new digs? You need a ticket!
Tourist: But I don't have a ticket!
Slammo: YOU DIE!
The tourist was instantly killed by Slammo's samurai sword. Inside the Meth Lab. There was a boat ride for the tourists. Gerald Fitzgerald now dressed in a purple suit and top hat. Zeta was by his side!
Fitz: Welcome to Kingpin Wonka's Magical Sugar Tour!
Zeta: You're going to love this place!
Brett DeMarco (driving the boat): Over on your left we have Natives working for us. Making sugar!
Fitz: That's right! You all get to see how sugar is made! (leading more tourists on the boat): Climb aboard people!
Zeta: Here come the people who help make the 'sugar' the Native Latives!
The Natives along with King A Yamma Yamma were now working hard labor against their will making meth that the tourists on the boat think is sugar.
Fitz: Now sing, my Native Latives! Sing!
King A Yamma Yamma and Natives (all sing a song): Native Lative Doompety Doo! We Have A Sugar Factory For you!
Zeta: Well Daddy Fitz. You got another place to make your meth.
Fitz: What better place than Hawaii! Glad to have you on my team. We'll be even more rich now when we come back home! I love you, Zeta!
Zeta: And I love you too, Daddy Fitz! Everyday has been fun with you and Uncle Brett!
Brett DeMarco (yells at Native Latives): Stop breaking out in song and get back to work for lazy shits!
King A Yamma Yamma: I'm not the king anymore!
Fitz: You got that right, I'm your king now!
Kingpin Wonka's Sugar Tour soon became one of the most popular tourist destinations in Honolulu. A month later, Fitz, Slammo Hung, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all go back to Paradise and had King A Yamma Yamma take over the Meth Lab disguised as Kingpin Wonka's Sugar Tour. Fitz, Zeta, Slammo Hung, Brett DeMarco soon became even more richer now they had another place in another state to make their houndstooth and argyle meth. In the meantime, Slammo Hung became a vital member of the Legion of DOOOOOM.
THE END
Paradise PD
Fanfic Title:
Viva Las Honolulu
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
Las Vegas. Full of Casinos, Bright Lights, Theme Parks, and an occasional celebrity. It's the place where the Paradise PD are in as of right now. Inside a huge mansion, there was Randall Crawford waiting for his uncle's arrival. Upon waiting he has his fellow PD officers clean up the mansion before meeting him. Each of them had a job to do. Dusty was using a vacuum, Randall was changing light bulbs on ceiling lamps and cleaning ceiling lamps while on a ladder. Bullet and Stanley were dusting. Kevin was killing ants, Gina was cleaning mirrors and windows.
Steely Dan's Show Biz Kids was playing.
Dusty: Wow! Your uncle has so many carpets in here. Even in the kitchen.
Randall: I know, right. Money can buy you anything!
Bullet: Why are you making us clean his mansion for?
Gina: Yeah, shouldn't we be hitting the casinos about now?
Randall: Listen! I'm making you do all this work is because I want us to make a good impression on my Uncle Nelson.
Kevin: Okay, the ants are gone. Is this cleaning spree done yet?
Randall: No! It's far from over. Once Uncle Nelson sees what an awesome job we did! He'll let us play in his casino!
Gina: The more motivation the better I guess.
Dusty: I forgot to being my lucky underwear like I had in Twatamala.
Bullet: Dusty you dumb shit. This is a fanfic. Twatmala never existed.
Gina: Yeah and therefore I never dated Kevin.
Kevin: It's better just to be partners and friends, Gina.
Gina: Oooh Boy! When I get to Randall's Uncle's Casino. I'm going to dress like a showgirl. And if some perv pinches me in the ass! BAM! Blow his head off with the punch of my fist!
Stanley: Las Vegas! Last time I was here I was a groupie for the Rat Pack!
Bullet: I'm going to do so much drugs and have so much sex! Hopefully some of these Las Vegas women are into midget men who I intend to disguise as. Ahh! Las Vegas! Las Bullet!
Gina: You got that from Married with Children.
Bullet: How do you know about that show and episode?
Gina: Heard my family talk about it while I was in the coma.
Randall: OKay shut up now and get back to work! All of you!
Dusty (taking the sweeper and going around Randall on the ladder.): While The Poor People Sleeping In the Shade Of The Light......Las Vegas! Las Vegas! Las Vegas!
Noticing the wire to the vacuum was stuck, Dusty soon took notice.
Dusty: Hmm, why is this vacuum cord suddenly get short? Oh well.
Trying to vacuum some more, realizing he needed a bigger cord. Pulling on the vacuum cord, Dusty unknowingly pulls the cord and knocks Randall off the ladder. The bucket Randall was using spilled on the floor. Randall landed next to a electrical socket and his finger stuck inside.
Randall (falls off ladder and screams): MOTHER FUCKER!
Stanley: We got a man down! Isn't that what you say at a time like this?
Kevin (runs to Randall): DAD! ARE YOU OKAY?!
Randall (getting electricuted): BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLLLL! (Randall's skeleton shows)
Kevin tries to help Randall get his finger out of the socket. Kevin then gets electricuted too.
Randall and Kevin (both screaming): BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLLLLLL!
Both Kevin's and Randall's skeletons show and the words, EAT AT JOES light up above them both.
Dusty: Oh no! I didn't know! I'm so sorry.
Gina takes Randall by the feet and pulls him out that causes Randall's finger to get out of the light socket and pushes Kevin away.
Randall: Thank you Gina. Not only are you my best cop, you're my best cleaner too.
Gina: No problem!
Kevin: Dad! Are you hurt in any way?
Randall: No I am not! Who the fuck made me fall?
Dusty (raises his hand): Guilty your honor!
Randall (sees the water puddle): You made this mess, you clean it! What is Uncle Nelson going to say if he sees this water spot?
Dusty: On it, Randall!
Gina: I'll supervise you!
Dusty and Gina both get towels to clean up the water spot.
Kevin: Anything you'd like me to do Dad?
Randall: Yes, Kevin. Go make the beds.
Kevin: But I don't know how to. Mom usually does that for us.
Randall: Well Mom isn't here is she?
Kevin: What do you think I am a maid? Why doesn't Uncle Nelson hire a maid instead of you making us do all this shit?
Stanley: I used to be a French Maid once in the Roaring 20's! They don't call it Gay Parree for nothing!
Randall: Uncle Nelson doesn't believe in maids. I'll say it once I'll say it again! Make the beds!
Kevin: Yeah? Who's going to make me?
Randall: The Incredible Shrinking Man will. (points to the floor)
Kevin: I don't see no....
Randall pushes Kevin into a bedroom with his foot. Kevin flies into the bedroom until he lands on a bed.
Kevin: Stupid asshole Father. Make the bed.
Taking the sheets and putting them on the bed Kevin uses the fitted sheet first then the blanket.
Kevin: Hmm, that was easy actually.
Gina and Dusty wiped up the water spot.
Dusty: Thank the stars we don't have to worry about Fitz the Kingpin here.
Gina: Yeah, no shit. Who knows what's he's cooking up.
Still under orders from Randall to clean up his Uncle's Mansion. Randall thinks he hears a car pull up.
Randall: Holy fuck! He's here!
The car just passes by.
Randall: Good. That wasn't him. Don't want him to see this mess. Another rule I'm enforcing! No talking about Fitz The Kingpin while we're here!
Gina: Fair enough to me.
Dusty: We're here to have fun.
Bullet: We'll solve crimes later.
Scene 2:
Back in Paradise Georgia at the Dippin Dots Building. Fitz was having a meeting with his Legion of DOOOOOM.
Fitz: I was thinking Legion of DOOOOOM, we should branch out. Someplace else.
Pat Robertson: How about Virginia? That's where I used to film the 700 Club.
Fitz: Somewhere more out west.
Pat Robertson: Castro Valley?
Frank Flipperfist: What better place than LA!
Jerry: (gurgles)
Fitz: No! LA is overrated. Pick another place.
Russian Mobster: Arizona perhaps. Because it's 100...200...300 kilometers! HA HA HA!
Fitz: Don't know you're American Geography very well. Nobody uses the metric system here! Ideas people!
Marcos Narcos: A place out west you say. New Mexico!
Fitz: NO!
Pedro Pooptooth: Wyoming puto! Like Sal wanted to go to in Dog Day Afternoon.
Fitz: NO!
Puffy the Cigarette: Oregon?
Brett DeMarco runs inside with some big news.
Fitz: Brett DeMarco! My best man. Where do you think we should branch out in our meth business?
Brett DeMarco: How about Honolulu?
Fitz: Hawaii? What brings you to this train of thought?
Brett DeMarco: Because I just bought some land there on Craig's List dirt cheap.
Russian Mobster: That website sells things for 1..2...3...4...5...6! 6! dollars! HA HA HA!
Fitz: Brett, you're a genius! That's where we'll build a new meth lab! Honolulu!
Brett DeMarco: Oh and something else too, Kingpin.
Fitz: What is it?
Brett DeMarco: We got a new recruit!
Breaking into the wall a'la The Kool Aid Man, an oriental looking man in a ninja suit with a samurai sword enters the room
Fitz: And who are you?
The man's name was Slammo Hung.
Slammo Hung: Greetings. I am Slammo Hung! I want to join your Legion of DOOOOOM! Hi-YA!!
Fitz: Hmmm, We can use a man like you in our gang! You're in!
Brett DeMarco: How would you like to come to Honolulu with us?
Slammo Hung: Yes! I come Honolulu!
Frank Flipperfist: Are we coming to?
Pedro Pooptooth: Yeah should we?
Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria! Are we invited.
Fitz: NO! You guys stay here and watch over the Dipin Dots building the make meth here in Paradise!
Brett DeMarco: Yeah! Only me, Fitz, Zeta, and Slammo Hung are coming.
Pat Robertston: Just as well. I had a bad sexual experience in Hawaii that I don't want to speak of.
Slammo Hung uses his sword to slice a chair in half.
Fitz: Excellent! Russian Mobster charge up the DOOOOOM Jet! Zeta! Pack your bags! We're going to put some lime in the coconuts! (laughs evilly)
Scene 3:
At Uncle Nelson's Casino. He was sitting in his office. Looking out the window. Uncle Nelson had on a cowboy hat, tan suit, and boots. Uncle Nelson was a fat man in his 70s.
Nelson: What a magnificent sight. I wonder if my nephew Randall will ever come to visit?
A telephone rings and a woman says, "You got some visitors."
Nelson: Send them in.
The visitors come in and were wearing black robes.
Nelson: Uhhh, can I help you?
Man #1: We want to buy your casino.
Nelson: You ass fuckers want dibs on my Casino that I worked so hard to build?! NEVER!
Man #2: Maybe this will change your mind.
The group of people wearing black robes had guns on Uncle Nelson.
Nelson: Who the fuck are you sick people?
Man #3: We're the Illuminati!
Nelson: You think I'll give into Satanists like you?
Man #4: I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice!
Man #1: Very well, get your guns, men!
The Illuminati got out their guns and shot up Nelson's office.
Nelson: WHAT IS THIS! THE UNTOUCHABLES ALL OF A SUDDEN?! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS! MY NEPHEW IS AN OFFICER OF THE LAW FROM GEORGIA AND HE.....
The Illuminati knocked out Nelson with a wooden club before he could say anymore. Then the Illuminati find a huge safe where Nelson kept all his money.
Man #1: Now this Casino is ours! (laughs evilly)
The Illuminati run away after they get away with the money. Nelson slowly comes to.
Nelson: Randall! My nephew! I need your help!
Walking around his office he sees all the damage the Illuminati has done.
Nelson: MY WORK! MY WORK! My gosh this is just like Darkman!
Falling to the ground and crying at everything he lost, Nelson saw that the Illuminati broke into his safe.
Nelson: They....took...my money....they took my Casino.
At the last minute one of the Illuminati runs back inside and gets and shows Nelson an affadavit he has as proof that he owns the Casino.
Man #2: The Casino is ours now, bitch! Enjoy the streets asshole!
Nelson went into fetal position and cried his eyes out.
Man #2 (throws Nelson out his office window): Thank you for choosing Illuminati Airlines! Be sure to put your table tray in the upright position!
Nelson (lands in the ground): Randall! (cries) Randall! You're the only one who can help me! (cries)
Scene 4:
In the Legion of DOOOOOM jet that Fitz owned. Russian Mobster was flying the plane.
Russian Mobster: We will land in Honolulu in 1...2...3...4.....4 hours! HA HA HA!
In the back of the plane where the seats are. Fitz, Brett and Zeta were interviewing their newest recruit, Slammo Hung.
Fitz: So Slammo Hung, please do tell us about yourself.
Slammo: I was part of a Ninja Gang back in Paradise. Originally I am from Hong Kong. So were my gang.
Brett DeMarco: Hmmm, interesting. What type of crimes did you commit?
Slammo: Murder for one. Kidnapping as well. We even kidnapped an elderly man named Stanley Hopsin.
Fitz: You went against the Paradise PD? They're our enemies too.
Zeta: Do you got any fighting skills, dude?
Slammo: Yes, Kenjustu. Why else do you think I have this sword?
Fitz: Perfect we could use a man like you in our Legion of DOOOOOM!
Brett DeMarco: Was your group from Hong Kong.
Slammo: Yes we were. Then we wanted to come to the States. Preferably a small hick town where nobody knows anything. Not a big city like New York, or Chicago.
Fitz: I see. Why did you leave the group?
Slammo: Just like the movie Logan's Run, once you reach the age of 30, you're considered too old to be in the Ninja Gang I was in.
Fitz: Well, you're never too old to be a part of the Legion of DOOOOOM!
Slammo and Fitz shake hands.
Zeta (looks out the window): Daddy Fitz! I think we're almost in Hawaii!
Fitz (looks out the window): Why so it is! (over a walkie talkie) Russian Mobster. As soon as you land us in Honolulu. Go right back to Paradise. You're temporary Kingpin until I come back.
Russian Mobster: Yes sir Fitz. Here's an amazing fact Hawaii has 1...2....3....4....5...6....7...8....8 Islands! HA HA HA!
Fitz: Think you could be wrong there.
Russian Mobster lands the Legion of DOOOOOM jet outside on Honolulu onto the land that Brett DeMarco bought.
Scene 5:
In Las Vegas at Nelson's mansion. The cleaning Randall had his PD officers do was finally done.
Randall: Aside from a few fuck ups, I say we did an excellent job.
Kevin: I even made the beds.
Gina: So, when is your uncle supposed to come?
Dusty: Yeah, we waited here forever.
Randall: Any minute now. I want to surprise him.
A telephone rings.
Dusty: Better go get that.
Randall goes to answer the phone.
Bullet: Do we really have to wait for Uncle Nelson to come home? Can't we just hit the casinos now?
Dusty: I know right! Heard Las Vegas has some great restaurants and even water parks!
Randall (over phone): Hello? Randall Crawford.
Nelson (over phone): Randall! Nephew! Is that you?
Randall (over phone): Why yes it is. We came to visit you, we even cleaned your mansion.
Nelson (over phone): I'm afraid I won't be living in that mansion anymore.
Randall (over phone): Why? What's the matter?
Nelson (over phone): My casino was robbed and taken over by the Illuminati!
Stanley, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, and Kevin were listening in.
Dusty (whispering): Who are they Illuminati?
Bullet: Think it has something to do with Scientology. I could be wrong.
Randall (over phone): OH NO! Uncle Randall! NO shit! That's awful. Where you are now?
Nelson (over phone): I'm living in a trailer outside Vegas. Here I'll give you the address.....
Gina: Did any of you hear that?
Dusty: Heard what?
Gina: These twat waffle Illuminati assholes stole his uncle's casino! Can't wait to bust their asses.
Nelson and Randall were finishing their phone conversation.
Randall (over phone): We will be right over. Good bye.
Kevin: Guess we got a crime on our hands.
Stanley: That was a name of a Three Stooges episode. I was a bit actor in that one. Kenneth McDonald was good in bed.
Dusty: Are we going to have to help Uncle Neslon?
Bullet: Seems like it. There goes my good time with gambling, hookers, drugs, and whores.
Randall: Paradise PD listen up. My Uncle Nelson is in serious trouble.
Kevin: What exactly happened Dad?
Randall: Well, you always listen in on my phone conversations Kevin. Here's the deal. My Uncle Nelson got robbed by some Satanic assholes called The Illuminati!
Bullet: Oh so it isn't Scientology. Go on, Randall.
Randall: The Illuminati took everything from him. Then he was forced to move into a desert trailer. As Police Officers of the law. It's up to us to help him.
Gina: Wait until I get my hands on those Illuminati fuckers! I'll disembowel them from the inside out!
Randall: In due time, Gina. First we need to find out where they are hiding.
Kevin: A case! Wasn't expecting this.
Randall: We have no time to lose. We're going into our Rental Car we got from Enterprise.
Bullet: Thank God we didn't choose Hertz! If anything we should've used Dollar that one Leslie Nielson did commercials for.
Kevin: Come on, PD! Follow my Dad! A family member needs our help!
Running out of Nelson's mansion one by one, The Paradise PD all run into the airport rental car and go over the Uncle Nelson's new home. A desert trailer.
Bullet: I just thought of something.
Dusty: What is it?
Bullet: We just went from being the Paradise PD to Reno 911! (laughs) Get it?
Kevin: I do! Both are cop shows!
Dusty: Good one, Bullet! And wouldn't we know. We're in Nevada!
Gina: Yeah, but only we're animated.
Randall (sighs): Even if fanfics you fuck wads can never resist going fourth wall!
Scene 6:
Just underground Nelson's Casino. The Illuminati had their underground hideout.
Man #1: Perfect. We can rule the casino from underneath.
Man #2: Who's going to run the office?
Man #1: Fuck the office. We got everything we need to run the casino right here.
Man #2: Okay. That's cool I guess.
Man #3: We got the money in a place where no one shall us will ever know about!
The wall opened to reveal the money. All the Illuminati members were going Oooh! Ahhhh! Then the wall closed.
Man #1: Illuminati come gather! For we shall do our ritual dance in our of our lord and savior, Satan! Aka Lucifer!
All the Illuminati members danced around in the circle to the song If I Got No Loot By Toni! Toni! Tone!
In Honolulu, Fitz, Slammo, Brett, and Zeta were standing on the land Brett had bought.
Brett DeMarco: This! This will be the perfect place for us to build a meth lab and building on this vacant ground.
Fitz: I'm glad you made the right choice. It's out in the middle of nowhere. Now if only we could get some people to work for us.
Some Hawaiian Natives who were dressed as Hula Dancers lead by a King surrounded Fitz, Zeta, Brett, and Slammo.
Zeta: Are they going to put on a show for us?
Slammo: Perfect! We can use them.
Native King: Ah ha! We were expecting you!
Fitz: Expecting us? Why?
Brett DeMarco: You don't even know us.
Slammo: Stand back guys. (getting in a fighting stance)
Native King: No no no. No need for that.
Fitz: Whatever it is,stay away from the girl! She's my adoptive daughter!
Native King: I might as well tell you. I am King Ah Yamma Yamma!
Fitz: Yeah, so?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: I was hoping some people will come to this land.
Brett DeMarco: Okay, King Ah Yamma Yamma Blamma whatever the fuck you're called. This happens to be our land! I bought it on Craig's List!
King Ah Yamma Yamma: I might as well confess. I was the one who sold this land on Craig's List. Hoping someone will buy it.
Slammo: Why? You did lure us here to kill us?
Zeta: I bet these guys are cannibals.
King Ah Yamma Yamma: No no. You see. Since you are all here. You all will fulfill an Ancient Prophecy.
Fitz: All right. What's the 'prophecy'?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: Our land was being terrorized by a half man half bear creature called Bear Thing.
Brett DeMarco: Oh I get it. Ha ha. Like Swamp Thing.
King Ah Yamma Yamma: This used to be a peaceful village for my people. Until Bear Thing came around and slaughtered and butchered most of my people. Then burned down our village. Bear Thing has attacked our people for thousands of years.
Fitz: What do you want us to do about it?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: The four of you will track down Bear Thing. Kill him. Then after what's left of my people will give you anything you desire.
Fitz: Fine! We'll do it.
Brett DeMarco: Awesome! I want to be the one that kills that mother fucker!
Zeta: Wow! I want to help out too!
Slammo: NO! I have the ninja skills! I want to kill him!
Brett DeMarco: No! I want the pleasure! I run a pharmaceutical company. I've killed so many people and I want the honor of this! For, I have the best skills ever! The skills I learned in the Army!
Slammo: NO! I KILL BEAR THING!
Brett DeMarco: NOT YOU! ME!! I'm the best man on the...
Fitz: Quiet! Stop both of you! It doesn't fucking matter who kills Bear Thing!
Zeta: We can all settle this by killing Bear Thing together.
Fitz: See, Zeta's right. We'll all take part in killing Bear Thing.
King Ah Yamma Yamma: Oh thank you so much! This pleases King Ah Yamma Yamma!
Slammo: When was the last time you saw Bear Thing?
King Ah Yamma Yamma: He usually hides out in a cave and attacks at night.
Fitz: We'll use my iphone to find out where the cave is!
Brett DeMarco, Zeta, and Slammo all follow Fitz to try to find the cave.
Scene 7:
The Paradise PD were now inside a two room trailer in the desert which was now where Uncle Nelson was living. Uncle Nelson was in the bathroom, naked in a bathtub crying his eyes out.
Nelson: Why? Why? Why? What did I do to deserve all this! WHY!
Randall (breaks into the bathroom): Paradise PD! We're here to save you, Uncle Nelson!
Nelson (stops crying): Randall! SO glad you're here.
Randall: All you need to do is tell us where your Casino is.
Nelson: You can't miss it. Right in the middle of the Vegas Strip.
Kevin: Oh, Uncle Nelson. My heart goes out to you. Feel bad that this happened to you.
Dusty: If anyone can get your casino back it's us!
Gina: We're very good at planning and strategies.
Bullet: With us on the case you'll get your casino back in no time flat!
Nelson: So, how you are guys going to to it?
Randall: Simple really. We will disguise ourselves as hopeless assholes who lost their way.
Gina: Yes and then we'll convince those Illuminati twat waffles that we want to join them and be loyal to them.
Nelson: But but what if you get caught?
Bullet: Gina could get us out if things get bad.
Gina: You should see me get brutal!
Stanley: She fights better than those Wresting Women from Doctor Of Doom!
Kevin: We're going to get your Casino back no matter what!
Randall: Yep those Illuminati sons of bitches are as good as dead.
Nelson: Thank you so much, dear nephew.
Stanley: So we doing this or what!
Kevin: Yes we are! You'll be back in your mansion and never have to live in a trailer again.
Bullet: We'll be back! Let's go everyone!
Nelson (stops Randall): Oh and before you go, Randall?
Randall: Yes, Uncle Nelson?
Nelson: I've always liked you better than your cousin Woody.
Randall: Thanks! I'm flattered!
The Paradise PD were now on their way to Uncle Nelson's casino in their airport rental car.
Dusty: Dammit! I wish we could've brought our own cop cars.
As they were driving there getting to the middle of the Vegas Strip, they see what used to be Uncle Nelson's Casino which was now called The Illuminati Casino.
Kevin: Oh look we're here.
Gina: Fuck check out the sign now.
Bullet: Guess that's a dead giveaway!
Randall: Step out of the car! We got work to do!
Kevin: A family member is in danger! (gets out a suitcase) Grab a costume, people.
Stanley (sporting on a dominatrix outfit): Already in my disguise.
Randall: Stanley's got the right idea, everyone get in disguise!
Kevin dresses as a drunken barfly. Randall dresses as a clown, Bullet's disguise is a Texas Businessman in a cowboy outfit. Gina decides to dress up like a cheap prostitute, Dusty is dressed as Robot Monster.
Randall: Goddammit Dusty! Why the fuck are you dressed like Robot Monster!
Dusty: This is the only thing that can fit me!
Randall: Oh all fucking right! We'll just say you escaped from a halfway house!
As the Paradise PD in their disguises were about to enter what was now the Illuminati Casino. As they all went though the front door, Randall used a tracking device. It picked up the Illuminati's location which was their underground lair in the basement of the casino.
Randall: Ah ha! This tracking device detects body heat.
Kevin: What does that prove Dad?
Randall: The Illuminati is underneath the casino.
Gina: Let's try to find a stairway!
Bullet: Good thinking Gina! We'll go Down the Up Staircase! Anyone understand that? Like Up The Down Staircase.
Randall: We know what you're getting at!
Kevin (points to an elevator): Or we can take the elevator.
Dusty: I don't do stairs very good. I prefer the elevator anyway.
Stanley: Hope nobody notices us.
Kevin leads Randall, Bullet, Gina, Dusty, and Stanley to the elevator. People who were gambling at the casino were all laughing at them.
Person #1: Look at those fucking burn outs!
Person #2: Yeah, what losers!
Person #3: Typical Las Vegas assholes!
Ignoring the heckling, The Paradise PD go inside the elevator to the bottom floor.
Randall: Now we join them!
Scene 8:
In Honolulu. Fitz, Brett, Slammo, and Zeta found the cave where Bear Thing was living.
Zeta: That must be the cave, Daddy Fitz.
Fitz: Why indeed it is!
Slammo: How should we do this? Go into the cave and look for it?
Brett DeMarco: No, asstard! We need lure out Bear Thing!
Fitz: Brett, that is a capital idea!
Slammo: How will we get him out?
Fitz: What's the thing that bears love most?
Zeta: Honey, doesn't seem to be any here in Hawaii.
Brett DeMarco goes to a coconut tree and knocks one down.
Slammo: A coconut?
Brett DeMarco: Bears are attracted to sweet smells. Open this, Slammo!
Slammo uses his samurai sword to slice open the coconut.
Fitz: Oh excellent!
Brett DeMarco then fills the coconut halves with all sorts of drugs. Then gathers a bunch of branches and starts a fire to boil the coconut milk.
Zeta: Wow! Great plan, Uncle Brett!
Fitz: Oh yes! (wringing his hands) When we murder Bear Thing. These natives promised us we can have whatever we want from them.
Zeta: What are you going to do with the natives, Daddy Fitz?
Fitz: Have them build our meth lab and make them work in it as our slaves!
Brett DeMarco: Okay! The trap is set. Once the Bear Thing smells the coconut milk, he'll have to come out.
Fitz: Then he'll drink the coconut milk and end up killing itself with drugs! Damn Brett! You are the best right hand man a Kingpin can ever ask for! I know I keep saying that!
Slammo: Yes, but one thing?
Fitz: Trying to be a killjoy are we, Slammo?
Slammo: No. This plan might not work. Perhaps Bear Thing won't effected by the drugs.
Fitz: It has to!
Brett DeMarco: Every living thing gets effected by drugs!
Slammo: What If He Ain't Dead By Morning?!
Fitz: The fuck! You think this is going to be like The Man In The Wilderness?
Slammo: Just trying to lay out all the possibilities!
Fitz: Whatever!
Brett DeMarco, Fitz, Zeta, and Slammo all hear a roar from inside the cave.
Zeta: Seems to be working so far.
Slammo: Forgot to add, before I came to America I used to watch a lot of 1970's wilderness movies to learn English.
Fitz: We don't need to know your life story! For right now. Concentrate on getting Bear Thing out of the fucking cave.
Slammo: Oh all right.
Soon afterwards, Bear Thing made it's way out of the cave. Sniffing the air. Bear Thing walks over to the halved coconuts.
Fitz: We got his ass!
Bear Thing begins to drink the hot coconut milk filled with the drugs Brett DeMarco put inside.
Fitz: If Bear Thing goes psycho after drinking the coconut milk, we all kill him together.
Zeta: You'll have your Honolulu Meth Lab soon, Daddy Fitz.
Brett DeMarco slaps Slammo in the face.
Fitz: Brett! The hell!
Slammo: That was some uncalled for shit, Brett!
Brett DeMarco (mocking Slammo's voice): What if he ain't dead by morning....pissed me off so bad....
Fitz: Any minute now......
Zeta: Bear Thing finished the drink.
Scene 9:
Roaming around the underground lair of the Illuminati. The Paradise PD were soon spotted by the members.
Man #1: You there! What are you all doing here?
Man #2: Explain yourselves at once!
Randall: Uhhh, we are people who have lost our way. Look at me! I'm a burned out party clown!
Gina: Yes! Looking for a higher power to reform us. I'm a cheap whore prostitute. Just like that Amy Fisher girl from the 90s.
Kevin: I used to be a bartender! Now I am a lowly alcoholic Barfly as Mickey Rourke once was.
Stanley: I'm a sex addicted dominatrix!
Dusty: I escaped from a halfway house after I committed highway robbery in my Robot Monster costume.
Bullet: Not me, though! I'm nothing like these flunkees.
Man #3: What the fuck are you supposed to be?
Bullet: I'm a Texas businessman!
Man #4: Are any of you looking to join us?
Bullet: Yes! How did you know!
Man #5: Then come gather around.
Man #6: If you're looking for a club to help you solve your problems.
Man #7: You came to the right place.
Randall: We're in, everybody.
Gina, Kevin, Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, and Randall all cheer.
Bullet: Don't mind me. I was just looking for a higher power. You know, there's more to the world than money!
Man #1: But first, we will reveal to you our most secret of all secrets.
Kevin: This is kind of like those Dungeons and Dragons games I play with Eric, Dungeon Master, and Quohand.
The First Man in the Illuminati presses a remote and a wall opens to reveal a vault that had the money and the affidavit they had stolen from Nelson earlier.
Randall: Wow! You guys are loaded.
Dusty (sees the affidavit): What's that white paper thingy?
Kevin: Shhh! Not now Dusty.
Man #2: You guys are newcomers so you are all going to spend some time in here for a while and cleanse yourselves.
Man #3: For you all need great darkness if you want to join our humble little cult....I mean club!
The Illuminati members shut the door to the vault. Bullet uses his iphone for a light.
Bullet: This is it you guys! That's the money!
Randall: Yes Bullet I know that.
Gina: The white thing Dusty mentioned must be the proof that your Uncle owns this casino.
Randall: Precisely. An affidavit it's called.
Kevin: Question is? How are we going to get all of this money out?
Stanley: Who better to use than Fatty Arbuckle? (points to Dusty) I helped him kill Virginia Madsen!
Dusty: Who's Fatty Arbuckle?
Bullet: He means you!
Dusty: But why? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing?
Gina: You're the fattest one here! That's the reasons! Besides, do what you do best! Swallow!
Dusty: Swallow? What exactly!
Gina: The money! (points to the stolen money)
Dusty: But I've never eaten money before.....
Kevin: This is our only chance to save Uncle Nelson's casino.
Gina takes the affidavit and puts it in her pocket.
Bullet: You'll have to Dusty. Pretend like you're eating a shrimp platter!
Dusty: Well I do like shrimp platters.....guess I don't have a choice!
Kevin: You can do it, Dusty!
Dusty began to swallow the money. Gina begins to get aroused.
Randall: And when you're done, you're going to hold it in.
Gina: Ooooh! Momma Likey! Don't stop what you're doing there! (about to touch herself) Shit! I left my vibrator at home!
Stanley: While he's holding in the money inside him we'll distract these cock sucker Illuminati folks!
Dusty continues to swallow the money. Getting fatter and fatter by the moment.
Scene 10:
At the land in Honolulu. Bear Thing drank all the coconut milk with the drugs inside. Bear Thing began to have a bad trip, one of those freak outs that drug addicts get. Bear Thing begins to jump up and down zoom around in circles on the ground.
Bear Thing: WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO! HEE BEE BEE BEE BEE! WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO! HEE BEE BEE BEE BEE!
Brett DeMarco: Yes! Got the mother fucker!
Fitz: Yes! Honolulu Meth Lab! We're on our way!
Zeta (laughing): He's acting like both Curly and Shemp!
Bear Thing begins to do sommersaults.
Slammo: Should we get him now?
Fitz: Yes you can! Book 'Em Slammo!
Brett DeMarco: Prove to us that you can be a worthy Legion of DOOOOOM member!
Slammo Hung gets his samurai sword ready to stab Bear Thing to death. Bear Thing however, grabs Slammo in a split second and begins to run away with him.
Fitz: Damn!
Brett DeMarco: He's got Slammo!
Bear Thing runs away with Slammo. Fitz, Brett, and Zeta chased after it.
Slammo: HHELLPP! HHEEELLLPPP!!
Zeta: Maybe we can slow Bear Thing down a little!
Fitz: Excellent concept Zeta! Get your guns ready, Brett!
Brett and Fitz shoot Bear Thing in the back of his shins. Bear Thing falls to the ground.
Zeta: Shoot him some more!
Fitz and Brett then shot Bear Thing in the back and the buttocks. Slammo soon got out of Bear Thing's grip.
Zeta: Bear Thing is down, Slammo! Use the sword!
Slammo uses his samurai sword to slice Bear Thing in half and chopping it's head off. Bear Thing was dead for good. Never to terrorize the natives again.
Fitz: We actually did it!
Brett DeMarco: Bear Thing is dead!
Slammo: Sorry I got caught by him.
Zeta: That's okay dude. You're new at this.
Fitz: Just what Zeta said. With a little more work, you'll be one of my best henchmen.
Brett DeMarco: You'll never be as good as me!
Fitz: Knock off that shit, Brett. I like all my henchmen equally.
King A Yamma Yamma comes out with some natives. They all bow to Fitz, Brett, Slammo, and Zeta.
Slammo: Maybe they'll make us their leaders.
Fitz: We are pleased to inform you. Tell them Brett.
Brett DeMarco: Bear Thing is history!
King A Yamma Yamma: This pleases King A Yumma Yumma! You magic thunder has driven it away.
Zeta: You said your people can give us whatever we want now that we killed Bear Thing.
King A Yamma Yamma: Yes, as a matter of fact. What is it all of you desire the most?
Fitz: Desire you said....
Brett DeMarco: You told us if we killed Bear Thing you'd give us anything....
King A Yamma Yamma: Anything?
Slammo: Yes! Anything....
Fitz (gets an evil look and smile on his face as the screen closes in on him): I'll tell you all what I really want the most.......
Scene 11:
Inside the vault where the Illuminati Hideout was. Dusty finally got done swallowing all the money.
Kevin: Great job, Dusty.
Bullet: Yeah, I knew he had it in him!
Randall: Now we need to get past these ass fuckers and give the casino back!
Stanley: We're locked in.
Gina: Not for long.
Dusty (muffling): I con borely tac....
Gina kicks the door to the vault down. Dusty was now even fatter than before. In fact, Randall, Bullet, Gina, Kevin, and Stanley were now all rolling him. Dusty lets out a squeak loud enough for the Illuminati to hear. Fortunately, Dusty did not vomit out any money.
Man #1: Hey! Where do you guys think you're going!
Man #2: We told you to stay and embrace the darkness.
Randall: Your darkness can go fuck itself!
Stanley: Yeah we're not really a bunch of low lives who wanted to join you to better ourselves.
Kevin: We're really...
Stanley, Bullet, Randall, Kevin, Gina, expect for Dusty all took off their disguises.
Randall: Paradise PD!
Kevin: That's right! We're cops.
Gina: We were only pretending to be a bunch of dirtbags!
Man #2: Get them! And kill them!
Bullet: Like to see you try!
Kevin: Fuck! I forgot to bring guns!
Randall: We don't need guns for this! We got Gina!
Dusty: KILL.....ME.....PAIN!!!!!!
Stanley: Gina, after them!
Linkin Park's Keys To The Kingdom plays
Gina fights off the Illuminati members one by one. Gina tears off the arms of the members and hits him on the head. After, she flies into a fat member and tears a hole in his gut. Two Illuminati members try to go after her, Gina kicks him both with a swift foot sweep. More members try to go after the Paradise PD. Gina stops them in their path by jumping on them one at a time causing the members to explode into a pile of blood. The last of the remaining members charge at Gina. However, Gina rips one of their heads off and uses the head as a bowling ball that hits all the other Illuminati Members making a huge massive explosion. The Illuminati were now a thing of the past.
Kevin: Awesome Gina!
Gina: Enough of that thanking shit! We need to take Dusty inside the elevator now!
Randall, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, and Kevin were rolling Dusty into the elevator to go on the main floor of Uncle Nelson's casino.
Dusty: After this is over. I am never doing this again!
Bullet: Never say never.
Scene 12:
Dusty was able to fit inside the elevator despite being more fatter. The elevator stopped at the main floor. All the Paradise PD members got out and contined to roll Dusty to the main front door.
Kevin: Hold on hold on!
Randall: You're gonna make it, kid!
Gina: Hold in the money!
Dusty (muffled): When can I spit it out?
Bullet: As soon as we get back to Nelson's trailer.
Kevin: Thankfully he won't have to live there anymore.
People at the casino were going about their business. That was until a spotlight was shown on Kevin and Randall.
Gina: Whoops! Looks like you guys are on your own!
Stanley: Have fun!
Bullet: Guess we're going to get all the credit for this!
Randall: What in the fuck is THIS all about?
Kevin: That's what I want to know!
The manager of the Casino comes to Kevin and Randall. His name was Paul.
Paul: Why hello! I'm the assistant manager of this place.
Randall: Yeah so?
Paul: We're been looking all over for you.
Kevin: Who do you think we are?
Paul: Why you guys are the singing male strippers Nelson Crawford has sing for the gamblers. And it's Tuesday.
Randall: Fuck! Don't tell me I have to be Summer Sausage again.
Paul: Now why don't you two go up on stage and sing these gamblers a song.
Randall: God dammit!
Kevin: I know! We should be halfway on our way to Uncle Nelson's!
Paul: Ladies and Gentlemen! It's the singing male strippers! Magic Mike and Magic Mark!
The gamblers clap for Kevin and Randall.
Kevin: Shit! These people are expecting a show! What song should we sing?
Randall: I got one! Follow along! (singing) On a Mountain! In Virginia! Stands a Lonesome Pine! Just below is the cabin of a little girl of mine!
Kevin (singing): Her name is June and very very soon. She'll belong to me! For I know she's waiting for me beneath that old pine tree!
Randall and Kevin (singing): In...the....Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia! In Virginia In the Trail of the Lonesome Pine! In the pale moonshine. Our hearts entwine where she carves her name and I carve mine! Oh June! Like the mountains I'm blue! Like the pines I am lonesome for you! In The Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. In the Trail Of The Lonesome Pine.
The gamblers were confused about the song. Until Kevin sings it solo in a deeper tone. Which had the gamblers raise their eyebrows.
Kevin (singing in a lower tone): In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia! In the Trial of the Lonesome Pine! In the pale moonshine our hearts entwine where she carves her name and I carve mine. Oh June! Like the mountains I'm blue! Like the pines, I am lonesome for you.
Randall gets out a police club and hits Kevin over the head with it. The blow to the head didn't effect Kevin. However it caused Kevin to sing the song in a more higher tone.
Kevin (singing in a high pitched tone): In..the....Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia! On the trial of the Lonesome Pine. PPPPPIIIIIIINNNNNEEEEE!!!!
The gamblers were looking at Kevin and Randall in confusion and did not like Kevin's flourish.
Paul: Where the fuck did that come from? You guys don't usually sing shit like that!
Gamblers: BOO BOO BOO BOO! We wanted to hear something by Travis Scott.
Randall and Kevin run out of Uncle Nelson's casino as the gamblers were throwing objects at them. The damage the gamblers made had the Illuminati sign to the casino break into pieces turning it back into Uncle Nelson's casino,
Kevin: Well, we saved Uncle Nelson's casino!
Randall: Remind me to never sing Laurel and Hardy songs with you! Ever again!
Kevin: It's a deal.
Randall and Kevin caught up with Stanley, Gina and Bullet. They all enter the airport rental car and used Dusty as a hot air balloon to fly and make their getaway.
Dusty: WWWWWEEE! I'm flying! I'm like a weather balloon!
Scene 13:
Back at Uncle Nelson's mansion. He could not be more pleased that his mansion was clean and that his nephew Randall saved his casino.
Nelson: It's awesome to be rich again. It's all thanks to you, my favorite nephew.
Dusty: I threw up all that money.
Randall: You're very welcome, Uncle Nelson.
Kevin: You're lucky to be related to cops!
Nelson: Now as a reward. You guys get to spend two weeks here in my mansion.
Bullet: Does this mean we get to play in your casino?
Nelson: That's exactly what he means!
Gina: The whole reason we came here to Vegas!
Stanley: I can sell be a cigars and cigarettes!
Bullet: I don't think so, Stanley! We're here to have fun!
Randall: Well, come on, Paradise PD! Let's hit the slots!
Kevin: Hooray!
Randall drove Gina, Kevin, Bullet, Dusty, and Stanley to Uncle Nelson's casino. There they had the time of their lives. The best two weeks the Paradise PD can ever ask for. All the Paradise PD did everything they wanted to do in Vegas. Stanley sold cigars and cigarettes. Gina dressed as a showgirl and beat up any perverts who tried to mess with her. Dusty went to all the theme parks and restaurants. Bullet did drugs and had sex with so many prostitutes. Kevin went to see a magic show with Penn and Teller. Randall hit the slots. Once they two weeks was done, the Paradise PD all went back to Georgia to their jobs working as policemen. Now they were full of great memories.
Scene 14:
It was back to work for the Paradise PD. As they were driving back to Police Headquarters. Speaking of the excellent time they had in Vegas.
Randall: Damn Vegas is so awesome! Wasn't it!
Kevin: Totally agree Dad!
Gina: We even had fun helping your uncle get back his casino. Boy how I loved beating up those Illuminati assholes!
Bullet: I had so much sex and did so much drugs!
Stanley: You think you had fun well I (falls asleep)
Dusty: Can we go back again one day?
Randall: Yes we're going back next year!
Gina: Yeah! Next year! Mama's gonna come back to Vegas! (hugs Dusty) To book a chapel!
Dusty: Now that we know Randall has an uncle there! We can go to Vegas every year!
Gina: Cool! In a way. I am glad Fitz doesn't work with us anymore. Imagine if he came with us to Vegas.
Dusty: You couldn't be so right about that, Gina. All he'd do is complain.
Kevin: Dad, how come you never told me and Mom about Uncle Nelson?
Randall: Because I was worried you and your Mom will move in with him and forget about me.
Dusty and Kevin both see the Russian Mobster outside the Dippin' Dots building giving orders to Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, Jerry, Marcos Narcos, Pat Robertson and Puffy The Cigarette.
Kevin: Hey look. Is that, Russian Mobster?
Dusty: Holy fuck! I see him too.
Gina: Is he the new Kingpin now?
Randall: Kind of looks like it.
Stanley (wakes up): Times change when you're away!
Bullet: If that's the case. I wonder what happened to Fitz and Brett DeMarco?
Two weeks later.
In Honolulu. There was now a fully built Meth Lab on the land that Brett DeMarco had bought. Outside, Slammo Hung was a bouncer inviting people inside.
Slammo: Want to see our new digs? You need a ticket!
Tourist: But I don't have a ticket!
Slammo: YOU DIE!
The tourist was instantly killed by Slammo's samurai sword. Inside the Meth Lab. There was a boat ride for the tourists. Gerald Fitzgerald now dressed in a purple suit and top hat. Zeta was by his side!
Fitz: Welcome to Kingpin Wonka's Magical Sugar Tour!
Zeta: You're going to love this place!
Brett DeMarco (driving the boat): Over on your left we have Natives working for us. Making sugar!
Fitz: That's right! You all get to see how sugar is made! (leading more tourists on the boat): Climb aboard people!
Zeta: Here come the people who help make the 'sugar' the Native Latives!
The Natives along with King A Yamma Yamma were now working hard labor against their will making meth that the tourists on the boat think is sugar.
Fitz: Now sing, my Native Latives! Sing!
King A Yamma Yamma and Natives (all sing a song): Native Lative Doompety Doo! We Have A Sugar Factory For you!
Zeta: Well Daddy Fitz. You got another place to make your meth.
Fitz: What better place than Hawaii! Glad to have you on my team. We'll be even more rich now when we come back home! I love you, Zeta!
Zeta: And I love you too, Daddy Fitz! Everyday has been fun with you and Uncle Brett!
Brett DeMarco (yells at Native Latives): Stop breaking out in song and get back to work for lazy shits!
King A Yamma Yamma: I'm not the king anymore!
Fitz: You got that right, I'm your king now!
Kingpin Wonka's Sugar Tour soon became one of the most popular tourist destinations in Honolulu. A month later, Fitz, Slammo Hung, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta all go back to Paradise and had King A Yamma Yamma take over the Meth Lab disguised as Kingpin Wonka's Sugar Tour. Fitz, Zeta, Slammo Hung, Brett DeMarco soon became even more richer now they had another place in another state to make their houndstooth and argyle meth. In the meantime, Slammo Hung became a vital member of the Legion of DOOOOOM.
THE END
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