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Ellie walked up the short steps to Joel's place. She wanted to hate him. She wanted to be able to never forgive him, hold the grudge forever. It seemed easy to do at first. And even if she got angry, the guilt started piling in heavier and heavier. Joel was trying to make things right, and while Ellie sure as hell wouldn't forgive him right away, he was the closest thing she had to a father. At the end of the day, she'd risk her life for his without question. It's just the damn stubbornness. But how could you not be stubborn over this?

Ellie saw Joel sitting peacefully on his chair, enjoying the cool breeze of the night as he plucked the strings of his guitar into a gentle tune. It was strange sometimes, to see him at such ease. Ellie remembered when he was always alert, and the tiniest creak or thud was enough to make him jump. To see his eyes closed just to enjoy something was an odd, yet still relieving sight.

Joel opened his eyes and met Ellie's. The calmness stopped there, and Ellie suddenly felt dread and anxiousness fill her body.

"Hey," Joel greeted, putting his guitar down. Ellie was about to open her mouth to reply, but found herself keeping it shut as she walked over to the balcony.

Oh God, what the hell am I gonna say? Ellie thought as she tapped her hands against the wood beneath them. She heard Joel walked towards her, and turned her head to meet the object in his hands. It was a cup.

"What're you drinking?" she asked.

Yeah..that's a great conversation starter, right?

"Coffee," Joel replied as he copied her position on the balcony's fence. Ellie's eyebrows furrowed.

"Where'd you get that?" she questioned. Joel paused for a moment.

"Uh, those people that came through last week," he started. Ellie mumbled a small "oh." Joel stared into the cup as if it had the cure to...

Oh, speaking of... Ellie thought to herself, suddenly going sour for a second.

"Little embarrassed of what I had to trade to get it but, it's good," Joel continued, taking another sip.

Another pause.

Ellie didn't know if it was a comfortable or awkward pause. It seemed to be stuck in between. Now that her mood had gotten a bit worse, she brought up what she was ticked off about.

"I had Seth under control," she said.

"Yeah, I know," Joel mumbled. He always seemed to have a sad look now. It made Ellie take another mini guilt trip, but she fixed herself quickly. More to say, more to say.

"And you need to stop harassing Jesse about my patrols," she added.

"...Okay," Joel muttered again.

God damn it, give me something to get angry at. How the hell am I supposed to be angry with you if you're so gloomy?

Ellie squeezed the rail tighter, trying to think of anything else to scold him for, but there was literally nothing. She couldn't keep the little scolding talk because Joel had been quiet and gentle with her. Ellie couldn't rile herself up into yelling at him about the whole fake cure firefly thing. She was obviously angry about that, but she didn't want to just explode out of nowhere, no matter how much she wanted to. Especially since Joel was CURRENTLY the least angry person she knew. At least with her.

"Y/N," Joel suddenly said, snapping her out of her thoughts.

Oh...fuck. Please don't...please don't ask-

"Is he your boyfriend?" he asked the dreadful question.

If Ellie wasn't super anxious before, she definitely was now. That stupid kiss had to have been one of the most confusing things that has ever happened to her. She was into girls. Period. She'd never felt any sort of THAT kind of attraction towards a guy. Yes, she knew some were handsome or cute, but she never once thought of kissing one. She just didn't look at them THAT way. Until this stupid, frustrating, annoying, stubborn, angsty little shit decided to kiss her. She can't put the blame all on Y/N, though. She kissed him back. It definitely didn't feel like the past kisses she's had. She wasn't sure if it was one of the best, since it only lasted a couple seconds. But it felt different. Whether it was a good or bad different...well, she was still working on that.

Fucking boys. They're so much more complicated to be with. Not that Ellie would know, obviously. But the amount of girls she'd seen who complained about their boyfriends and getting their little hearts broken...it's enough to make her want to avoid it. But this was Y/N! He was...this was...this was fucking confusing, that's what this was!

"No," Ellie denied after what seemed like an eternity. She clenched her eyes shut in frustration. "No, it was just- I don't know, it was just one kiss. It doesn't mean anything. He was really drunk, he probably misses his girlfriend, it was...I don't know why he did that."

"But you do like him..." Joel said. Ellie couldn't tell if it was question or a flat out statement. Did she like him? I mean, he was funny, brave, loyal, protective, honest, annoying, but in a "I-don't-like-it-but-keep-doing-it" way. And he definitely passed the physical attractiveness.

Jesus Christ, there I go again. My attraction meter is broken or something. He's a guy. A guy!

"I'm so confused, I don't even...I'm so stupid," Ellie muttered.

"Look, I don't have any idea what that boy's intentions are, but be careful. You've seen how he is with other women. He couldn't even hold a serious relationship with that Hazel girl," Joel said.

"He's not like that," Ellie defended. "Not to me."

"Not yet," Joel muttered. Ellie let out an angry sigh and sent him a small glare. His protectiveness of her completely dropped, and his face went back to that old gloomy look. "Sorry. I don't know what he's up to. But if he had you, he'd be so lucky. Anybody would be lucky to have you, Ellie."

Okay, enough with this shit.

"You're such an asshole," Ellie hissed, but still didn't meet his eyes. Every time he did something that ticked her off, he crawled right back into his hole, and it sent her into a guilt trip every time.

Joel knew he shouldn't have said anything. Ellie knows who to choose in a relationship, she knows who won't treat her like shit. She can take care of herself. She's made that clear over and over again. He kept thinking, why do I keep messing up? He opened his mouth to talk.

"I'm not trying to-"

"I was supposed to die in that hospital!" Ellie snapped. Joel's heart sunk to his stomach as she brought up it again. Ellie couldn't hold in her emotions any longer. They were like a ticking bomb. "My life would have fucking mattered. But you took that from me!"

Ellie quickly stopped talking as tears began to fill her eyes. Why does that happen to her? Every time she's supposed to be pissed off at Joel, her eyes just say "no" and bring out the waterworks. She's supposed to be angry, not sad. Either way, whichever emotion decided to control her, she was still hurt. And this pain was worse than any stab or shot wound she'd endured. That, also didn't make sense. The worst pain seems to be emotional pain. It's always been that way. In this world, violence is just something you get used to. After you've been hurt physically so many times, it gets easier to take a shot. But with this emotional shit, it hits the same way every time. How the hell was she supposed to get used to this?

"If somehow, the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment," Joel started, standing up straighter. "I would do it all over again."

It was suddenly hard to be angry. Sadness seemed to be in control today, Ellie guessed. She blinked back tears as she quickly looked away from Joel's eyes, scared that she might break down if she looked at them again. He cares about her. He really, really fucking cares. Doing that shit all over again? For her? The relief with knowing how much he cares and the anger of knowing what all that care caused battled each other, like lava to water. This wasn't working. This grudge shit wasn't working. But she couldn't just forgive him just like that. Ellie didn't know what to do. She can't hold the grudge. She can't forgive him. She's stuck in the same place every time. How is she supposed to get out?

"Yeah, I just..." she tried to talk, but even that seemed difficult. She tried blaming the cold winter air attacking her throat, but Ellie knew what it really was. "I don't think I could ever forgive you for that."

Joel leaned back on the balcony, looking forward. Ellie had never seen Joel cry, but she heard the chopped breaths coming from him, the type of breath you have when you're trying to hold it all in. The emotions immediately passed on to her, and she found her throat closing up, and tears began forming in her eyes again.

"But I'd like to try," she offered, her voice growing weaker with every syllable.

Could she do it? Would it even work? Would it help her forget? How would she do it?

"I'd like that," Joel sniveled, almost a whimper.

And that was it. That was all it took.

Ellie was going to have a go at it. Plainly because Joel would like it. He didn't beg for forgiveness. He simply...would like it.

"Okay..." Ellie whispered, trying to get herself together as she felt the conversations start to close. "I'll see you around."

"Yep," Joel said in a rather high voice, causing him to quickly clear his throat.

Ellie let out a shaky breath as she started to walk away.

It's been a long night. She couldn't wait to fall asleep.