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Paradise PD

Fanfic Title:

High School Hide

by: Trenton Sands

Scene 1:

At the Paradise Court House. A jury has reached a verdict. Kevin and Randall were among the jurors. The defendant was a violent offender known as Butch Wallace. Whose crimes were serial rape, homicide, and bank robbery. Judge Judge asked the jurors about the fate of Butch Wallace. Also on jury duty was Hobo Cop.

Judge Judge: Has the jury reached the verdict?

Hobo Cop: Indeed we have your honor.

Randall (to himself): If this is a hung jury it'll be like 12 Angry Men.

Hobo Cop: We find the defendant Butch Wallace GUILTY on all counts of robbery, serial rape and homicide.

Butch Wallace hangs is head in shame as he learns his fate.

Kevin: Wow, Dad! Being on Jury Duty with you was so much fun!

Randall: I just did it for the money.

Judge Judge: Butch Wallace, this court finds you Guilty of all the crimes you have committed. You shall receive 100 life sentences without the possibility of parole. Case dismissed. (bangs gavel) Any questions.

Kevin rises his hand.

Randall: Kevin! Don't! You'll keep us in here longer.

Judge Judge (sees Kevin): Yes you. The ginger haired man who looks like a teenage Stan Laurel.

Kevin: Aren't you going to hang him?

Butch Wallace feels an intense rage inside of him. Begins to break up the courtroom over what Kevin asked. Everyone in the court was in a panic over what Kevin said.

Randall (trying to stop the panic): Settle down! This is court room! Not the woods!

Butch Wallace (to Randall and Kevin): Just for that! For saying that to me! You guys better watch yourselves. Because I will hunt you down and find you both!

Kevin: Uhhh, you are? But how?

Butch Wallace: I'm coming for you both. So you both better be ready! No matter where you run, or if you even try to hide. I..will search high and low until I turn your asshole inside out and shove them up your noses!

Randall and Kevin run out of the courtroom. As does the other jurors who were on jury duty. Including the balliffs and audience who came to see the trial. Randall and Kevin scramble to police car to drive away.

Kevin (sighs of relief): Glad to get out of that hellhole. It was like The Trial of The Chicago 7 in there!

Randall: Why don't you keep your mother fucking mouth shut?

Kevin: But, I didn't do anything!

Randall: Yes you did! You put us right on the spot!

Kevin: What exactly did I do?

Randall: Do you even have to ask? You had to open your big fat mouth and say (mocking Kevin): Aren't gonna hang him!

Kevin: We have the Death Penalty here in Georgia. I assumed he was going to get put to death for his crimes.

Randall: Now because of what you did, we're going to have to run far far away.

Kevin: Just because Butch Wallace said he was going to hunt us down doesn't mean he's going to do it.

Randall: You can't be too sure these days. Didn't you see the way he destroyed that courtroom? Of course he's going to come after us.

Kevin: Since you say we'll have to run away. Where are we going to go?

Randall: In this case, Anywhere But Here!

Kevin: You mean LA? Say, I know! You can be the happy carefree mother and I'll be the snobby daughter who wants to go to Ivy League!

Randall: That's not what I meant! Let's just go back to headquarters and tell everyone the bad news.

Kevin drives the police car back to the Paradise PD Police Headquarters Building. Butch Wallace was watching them.

Butch Wallace: Where ever they go. I will follow. (holding a severed head of a balliff) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!

Scene 2:

Randall was in the conference room of the Paradise PD Police Headquarters.

Bullet: Hey, Randall. How did it go on Jury Duty?

Dusty: From the looks of things, not too good.

Stanley: I remember my first jury duty. I shoved a shoe up Khrushchev's ass!

Gina: Is Butch Wallace going to experience a life sentence of sodomy?

Kevin: I'm afraid not. You see, after he heard his sentence. He caused a ruckus in the courtroom. Destroyed everything in sight. Now he's threatened to end our lives and...

Randall: Why don't you tell them the truth, Kevin? How exactly why did Butch Wallace break up the courtroom.

Bullet: Uhh, don't tell me. Randall asked if he could execute him.

Randall: Nothing of that kind. Kevin asked if Butch Wallace was going to be executed for his crimes. So now because of Kevin. We're going to have to hide somewhere!

Gina: Oh fuck! Why don't you just fire that twat waffle son of yours.

Dusty: Is this going to be a Witness Protection thing?

Stanley: I know a good place to hide. James Cagney's fireplace.

Kevin: Look, Butch Wallace was annoyed with what I said. And for that, I'm sorry. But we don't have to take this seriously.

Randall: Yes we do! We're hiding away someplace.

Kevin: You should be mad at Butch Wallace not me.

Randall: I'm mad at both of you!

Bullet: I got a place. That arena where I go to do Dog Cock Fights.

Randall: No! People know us there. It has to be a place where nobody knows us.

Gina: You're right, Randall. A place where we can blend in.

Dusty: Where do you suggest, you're the chief you oughta know.

Randall: I got it. Now that Dean Hancock is in prison. We can go to Diamond City.

Kevin: Yes but where in Diamond City? Maybe the Costco?

Dusty: Hope it is the Costco! Maybe we can hunt for aliens like in The Watch!

Randall: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! (pounding his fists on his desk).

Gina: There's a roller rink there. Maybe we can pretend we're a Roller Derby team.

Randall: Out of the question. I thought of somewhere.

Dusty: It's not the fat camp they have there is it?

Gina: Oh come on, Dusty! Do you think I'd let that happen!

Randall: No. People, we are going to school!

Stanley: School? Say, while we're there. Can I be The Prom Queen?

Randall: We are going to High School. We'll hide away there.

Kevin: How long will it take, Dad?

Randall: Until Butch Wallace forgets you asked Judge Judge if he was going to get hung!

Dusty: HA! Like that's going to happen! As they always say, nobody forgets someone with red hair!

Bullet: High school! Yes! Can't wait to fuck around with cheerleaders! I'm a teenager in dog years anyway!

Randall, Gina, Stanley, Bullet, Dusty, and Kevin all went inside individual police cars to drive to Diamond City High School.

Dusty: High school...oooohhh. I hope I don't get fat shamed there.

Scene 3:

Randall, Stanley, Gina, Kevin, Dusty and Bullet enter the hallways of Diamond City High School. All over there were plaques of football, baseball, and basketball awards. There were banners all around that read, "HOME OF THE CHEETAHS!" The hallways were empty because all the teachers and students were in their classrooms. The school was soon heading into it's lunch break.

Kevin: Never thought the halls would be so empty.

Bullet: High schools are a morgue before lunch.

Gina: You know. This is my chance to experience high school. I never attended any type of school when I was in the coma.

Stanley: Nobody will let me be a Homecoming Queen, so I guess I'll be a janitor!

A janitor comes out of the closet and Gina runs up to him and breaks his neck and shoves a mop into his anus.

Gina: Now here's your chance.

Stanley: All right! Thank you, Gina! (runs to the janitor's closet)

Dusty: Oooh! High school! Oh how I hated it! Everyone bullied and used me and pretended to be my friend.

Randall: Seems as though everyone is in class and...

The bell rang for the lunch hour. All the students and teachers get out of their classrooms and head to the cafeteria.

Kevin: Look how we disappear into the crowd Dad! There's no way Butch Wallace will ever find us now.

Randall: Okay here's the deal. We all will go into the cafeteria and pretend to be students. Each and every one of you go find a group of losers to hang out with. Understood?

Dusty: What if one of us doesn't find a crowd to hang out with!

Kevin: Yeah, Dusty's right. Then what?

Randall: That's your problem not mine! You can't expect to become like Jeff Spicoli in one day!

Kevin, Dusty, Gina, and Bullet all go and find a place to sit for lunch.

Randall: One more thing! Don't tell anyone here about hiding away from Butch Wallace!

Kevin: Right, Dad!

Bullet: Hmmm, wonder where the cheerleaders sit?

Dusty: Everyone is staring at me. Deja Vu!

Kevin: I had a miserable time in high school myself! Once word got out that I shot my Dad's testicles. Everyone kept chanting, 'Ball Breaker Ball Breaker! Never join the LA Lakers.' Never got over it.

Dusty: I never got over being bullied for being the fattest kid in school!

Gina: Quit whining you pussies! If anyone tries to bully you, leave them to me!

A secretary spots Randall.

Secretary: Excuse me, sir?

Randall: You talking to me?

Secretary: Yes, our principal unexpectedly quit on us. We at the School Counsel were hoping that you would fill in until we can find a permanent replacement.

Randall: Would I ever?! Yes! I'll do it! Not only do I get to be police chief, I get to be a High School Principal!

Secretary: That's the spirit! Or should we say, that's the "school spirit!" (laughs)

Kevin found a bunch of students to hang out with, as did Gina, and Bullet found the cheerleader table.

Cheerleader #1: A dog?

Cheerleader #2: They allow dogs in school now?

Bullet: Yes, I am a dog. Thanks for noticing.

Cheerleader #3: You a new student?

Bullet: Do you guys have a mascot?

Cheerleader #4: Actually no. We have a cheetah for the football team.

Cheerleader #5: But none for the basketball team.

Bullet: Well, look no further! I'll be your Basketball Team mascot! However it comes with a price! If you get my drift!

Cheerleader #2: What do you want us to do?

Cheerleader #3: It better not be what we think it is...

Bullet: No, just bring me a keg is all!

Cheerleader #4: Cool! You're in!

Kevin was at a table with geeks. Gina was at a table with a wrestling team. Dusty still could not find a place to sit.

Dusty: Aaaaaw, everyone already has friends expect me. Story of my miserable life.

Kevin: So, you guys. What do you do for fun here?

The Chess Club members were named Chad, Sean, Albert, and Eddie.

Chad: We play chess.

Kevin: You do hey? Think you can teach me?

Sean: Sure we can!

Albert: We're actually a losing Chess team

Chad: Sad but true. We were looking for another member to bring us back to the top again.

Kevin: Okay! You found him! (laughs nervously)

Gina: You guys a wrestling team?

The wrestling team all nodded in unison.

Gina: Would you consider letting a girl join your team?

The wrestling team once more nodded in unison.

Gina: Don't talk to much do you?

Wrestling Member #1: Of course you can join.

Wrestling Member #2: In fact, after school there's a Wrestling Tournament.

Gina: Who are you going up against?

Wrestling Member #3: Our rivals from Paradise High School.

Gina: Let everything to me. I'll bring your team to victory! I know the tricks of the trade when it comes to fighting!

Dusty is spotted by a bunch of jocks. Suddenly the song I'm A Man by Chicago begins to play. Everyone from students, teachers, and even Kevin, Dusty, Bullet, and Gina had their eyes on what was going on. Randall appeared in the middle of the cafeteria.

Randall (dancing around): Guess what assholes! Say hello to your new temporary Principal! ME! RANDALL CRAWFORD! THAT'S WHO! Come join me in song and dance!

Sean: Who the fuck is he?

Then Kevin soon remembered that they were on the run from Butch Wallace.

Kevin: Uhh, never seen him before in my life! heh heh!

Outside the Diamond City High school. Butch Wallace had Kevin and Randall in his sights.

Butch Wallace: Tonight! Those two cock fuckers are going to DIE!

Scene 4:

At the Dippin Dots building. Gerald Fitzgerald and Brett DeMarco were holding another meeting in the conference room.

Fitz: I just want to say everyone. I am sorry that I got mad at all of you this week.

Brett DeMarco: What exactly was the reason?

Frank Flipperfist: Think nothing of it.

Russian Mobster: We knew you really weren't mad at us.

Brett DeMarco: He was really mad at the Paradise PD!

Pedro Pooptooth: Yes! We know. It's because of them our meth sales have been plummeting!

Fitz: So to make it all up to you, we are going to have a PIZZA PARTY!

Russian Mobster: Yes Pizza Party! And I got to order the pizzas! We are going to get 1...2..3! Three Pizzas! HA HA HA!

Marcos Narcos: You both lashed out of everyone expect that girl you adopted.

Fitz: That's because Zeta has nothing to do with any of this.

Brett DeMarco: She's good. You're all bad.

Fitz: As you all well know. Zeta Matto has had a traumatic childhood and bad family.

Brett DeMarco: When we took her in, she treated us with respect! Then she and her whole life went from sad to excellent!

Fitz: Zeta never does anything to upset me and Brett. Unlike you all!

Frank Flipperfist: That figures. There's always someone who is better and someone who is worse.

Fitz: Oh come on! That's not true at all. I only say some of you are better than others to motivate you.

Brett DeMarco: Yeah we don't favor Zeta over you guys.

Zeta: Daddy Fitz! Are we having a pizza party.

Fitz: Yes we are! And it should be here right about...

A doorbell is heard. Brett DeMarco goes to answer it. On the other side of the door. There was a man who's in his mid 20's. With Reddish brown hair. A green leather jacket, blue jeans, and white sneakers. The name of the pizza delivery boy was Fred J. Phillips.

Fred: What up! Word! Pizza Delivery for an I.C. Weiner. Oops I mean, Gerald Fitzgerald.

Fitz rips the pizza boxes away from Fred.

Brett DeMarco: We'll be taking those.

Fred: Want to know what I always wanted to do? Go into space and explore other planets!

Brett DeMarco: (scoffs) Good luck with that!

Fred: Uhhh, don't I get a tip or something?

Brett DeMarco: No go!

Fred: Is it okay if I use your bathroom.

Brett DeMarco: Okay fine. First door to your left.

Fred: Thank you.

Brett DeMarco has the pizzas in his hands. Fred goes off to the bathroom.

Zeta: Let the pizza party begin!

Russian Mobster, Marcos Narcos, Fitz, Zeta, Brett DeMarco, Frank Flipperfist, and Pedro Pooptooth all dig in and have a huge pig out on the Pizza Party. The song You Were The Last High by The Dandy Warhols begins to play as Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta and all the other Legion of DOOOOOM members were having a fun time. Fred J. Phillips was done in the bathroom but the flusher was stuck. The toilet begins to overflow.

Fred: Oh snap! I can't deal with this now! I got more pizzas to deliver.

When the Pizza Party was done and the pizzas were all gone. Fitz, Zeta, Brett, Frank, Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos Narcos were all laying around like they had been on a drug binge.

Russian Mobster: Guess how many pieces I've eaten? One...two...three...four...five! Five pieces! HA HA HA!

Marcos Narcos: Santa Maria I'm glad we had fun. But now we're fucking paying for it.

Fitz: This might be the pizza talking but, I love you all like brothers.

Zeta: Never had a pizza party with my old family.

Brett DeMarco: We'll be feeling this for a while.

Frank Flipperfist: Way better party than those stupid teen movies like Can't Hardly Wait.

Pedro Pooptooth: We never had good pizza like this back home in Mexico, putos.

Fitz, Brett, Frank, Pedro, Marcos Narcos, and Zeta all fell asleep. In the bathroom. Fred was still fiddling around with the toilet.

Fred: Oooooohhhh! I'm sure not Walking on Sunshine! That's for sure. Why did this have to happen! A clogged toilet. Gotta fix it somehow...

The toilet exploded which woke everyone up.

Fitz: What the fuck was that.

Brett DeMarco: Oh son of a bitch! I forget that pizza delivery boy was using our bathroom.

Frank and Pedro see a tidal wave of toilet wave coming from the bathroom that was taking Fred J. Phillips with it.

Russian Mobster: Where did all that water come from? Why does that water smell like urine and shit?

Fitz: The bathroom no less!

Fred: NO! I'M DOESN'T! SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Fitz: What the fuck did you do to my toilet!

Brett DeMarco: Look this was my fault. He wanted to use...

Fitz: Not now, Brett. (to Fred): You broke it didn't you!

Fred: No, it was clogged. Then I tried to unclog it and...

Fitz: For that you ruined my pizza party!

Fred: I am so sorry. I'll make it up to you and...

Fitz: Brett, help me put this asswipe out of his misery. (pulls out a gun)

Brett DeMarco (gets a gun from his pocket): With pleasure.

Fitz and Brett both shoot Fred 10 times all over his body and his head. Fred was shot and killed execution style.

Frank Flipperfist: This reminds me something we used to say as kids, "This is a Man named Fred. Fred can spit on his head! And now he's dead!"

Pedro Pooptooth: You both shot the pizza delivery boy! What if someone traces it back to us!

Zeta: Daddy Fitz will fix everything.

Fitz: Zeta is right. You all need to have faith in your Kingpin leader.

Marcos Narcos: Should we bury the body in our backyard?

Brett DeMarco: We have a better idea in mind. (sees all the pizzas in the car)

Fitz: That man had a lot more pizzas to deliver. So what I'm thinking is. We can put meth in all the pizzas. That way "Fred" here will be a wanted man!

Pedro Pooptooth: That's genius, puto!

Russian Mobster: I counted the bullets you put into that ass! You guys put, 1..2..3..4...5..6..7...8...9...10! 10 bullets! HA HA HA HA HA!

Fitz: You guys all stay here. Me, Brett, and Zeta will deliver the pizzas.

Frank Flipperfist: OKay! We're tired anyway.

Pedro, Russian Mobster, and Marcos, and Frank all put meth in the pizzas that were delivered.

Brett DeMarco: Good job you all did your part.

Fitz: What I plan to do is, one of us will go inside the dead pizza delivery boy.

Zeta: I can do it, Daddy Fitz.

Fitz: No, he's too heavy for you. Brett, you'll go inside Fred's clothes and walk around in his dead body and pretend to be him delivering the pizzas.

Brett DeMarco (salutes): As we said in the army. Sir yes sir!

Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all head out of the car and take the dead body of Fred J. Phillips with them.

Zeta (reads the addresses): The next stop is the Battered Wives home, Daddy Fitz.

Fitz: Thank you, Zeta. Tonight, we are going to pull a Weekend At Bernies! (laughs evilly)

Scene 5:

Everyone at the Paradise PD were adapting to their new roles in Diamond City High School. Randall is enjoying his status as a Principal!

Randall (shaking up random students): Do you have drugs in your locker?

Student #1: Nope!

Randall (shaking up random students): Do YOU have drugs in your locker you fucking little punk?

Student #2 (gulp): No sir.

Kevin, along with Chad, Sean, Albert, and Eddie. Were in science class watching a video about autopsies.

Chad: Dude, this is sick!

Sean: I can't look!

Kevin: I agree! What's happened in high schools lately?

Albert: Gonna lose my shit.

Eddie: Too extreme.

Kevin, Eddie, Albert, Sean, and Chad all threw up at he autopsy video. Some bullies saw them throw up and laughed at them. The science teacher was out of the room.

Bullies: HA HA HA HA HA! Check out the Puke Patrol everybody!

Soon, Eddie, Albert, Chad, Kevin, and Sean became laughing stocks for vomiting during the autopsy video.

Kevin (thinking): Great. History is repeating itself.

At the gym, the Basketball Cheerleaders were doing their routine with Bullet dancing along with them. When they were done the Cheerleaders reward Bullet with a keg of beer.

Bullet: Wow! Man, I wish I was a human! Why do people keep complaining about how terrible high school is? It's awesome!

Gina was in history class.

History Teacher: All right, boys and girls. Who can tell me what A.D. stands for? Anyone.

Gina rises her hand.

History Teacher: You, new girl in the back.

Student: New Girl? Is Zooey Deschanel here?

Gina: Yes I know. A.D. stands for Anno Domini. It's latin for "In The Year Of Our Lord"

History Teacher: WRONG! We don't use A.D. in this class! It's not politically correct! We use C.E.! That stands for Common Era.

Gina (rolls eyes): So much for that.

Stanley fell asleep on his janitor job. Dusty was in English class. All the students were reading War and Peace. A bunch of bullies approach Dusty.

Dusty: Uhhhh, hello? (nervously laughs)

Jock #1: So, I see you're very fat there, buddy.

Dusty: Yes, I am. Thanks for noticing I guess...

Jock #2: Do you want to be the most popular boy in school?

Dusty: All right. What do I have to do?

All the jocks take out a bunch of tater tots.

Dusty: We just had lunch.

Jock #3: Impress everyone in this class then the whole school by binge eating these tater tots, fatty!

Jock #4: If you do we'll be your friends.

Dusty: OKay, sure. You know, I recall Napoleon Dynamite eating tater tots in class.

All the students turn around to see Dusty who was soon eating the tater tots. After a while all the students were cheering on for Dusty.

Jocks and Students: BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE! BINGE!

Dusty was eating the tater tots, impressing the class. The English teacher sees what's going on, and decides to put an end to it.

English Teacher: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE! GET BACK TO READING YOUR BOOKS OR YOU'LL ALL GET DETENTION!

The jocks and students all stopped after the English Teacher yelled. One of the jocks comes up to Dusty.

Jock #1: You're cool! You're one of us now!

Dusty: Wow! This time around I can enjoy high school!

English Teacher: MORE TALKING? WHAT DID I JUST SAY!

The jocks, Dusty, and all the other students in English class froze in fear and went back to reading War and Peace.

English Teacher: There's going to be a pop quiz on War and Peace tomorrow! So you all better be ready!

Scene 6:

Butch Wallace was peeping through the windows of Diamond City High School. Meanwhile, on the road in the limo, Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta along with the dead corpse of Fred J. Phillips were driving to the Battered Women's Shelter to deliver the pizzas.

Fitz: After we get done delivering these pizzas full of meth, we'll call the FBI on Fred here!

Brett DeMarco: Brilliant plan. Oh there it is up ahead.

Zeta: The pizzas are back here you guys.

Driving to the curb of the Battered Women's Shelter, Fitz parks the car.

Fitz: Brett, you go as Fred and give these pizzas.

Zeta: You can do it, Uncle Brett!

Brett DeMarco gets inside the clothes of Fred J. Phillips and walks him around as if he's still alive. Going to ring the doorbell with the pizza in his hand. A woman answers it.

Woman: Oh good! You're here with the pizzas. Please do come in.

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): Uhh, you need to pay me, lady.

Woman: In due time. But please come inside and join the other women.

Fitz: Come on, Brett! Get out of there!

Zeta: Ooooh! I hope Uncle Brett isn't getting himself into any danger.

Brett DeMarco as Fred J. Phillips finds himself surrounded by women in the Battered Woman's Shelter.

Woman: We brought you in here so we can practice.

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): Uhhh, practice? What up, word?

Woman: You see we're not really a Battered Woman's Shelter.

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): I don't get it.

Woman: We really pretend to be battered wives so we can lure men and beat the shit out of them! Think of us as a female Fight Club!

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): Oh fuck! I'm boned!

Women: DESTROY THE MAN! DESTROY THE MAN! DESTROY THE MAN!

All the women in the so-called shelter began to beat up on Fred J. Phillips' dead body. Brett DeMarco is feeling the punches and kicks he was getting from the women. Once the women were done, they throw Brett DeMarco who was inside Fred J. Phillips' dead body onto the sidewalk.

Woman: Thanks for the fucking pizza, asshole!

Picking himself up and the corpse of Fred J. Phillips, Brett DeMarco waddles back to the limo.

Fitz: Damn Brett! What in the fucking hell just happened?

Brett DeMarco: Those battered wives were actually batterers themselves.

Zeta: You okay, Uncle Brett?

Brett DeMarco: Yeah, I'm cool. I didn't even feel the beatings anyway. It was really Fred they were beating up, not me.

Fitz: Get inside the limo, Brett. In no time at all, those women are going to experience the ultimate high!

Zeta: Yeah, Daddy Fitz! Those bitches who beat up Uncle Brett will get what's coming to them!

Brett DeMarco: Okay how many pizzas are left?

Fitz: Just three of them. Both are going to be sent to a Sports Bar. Then the last one is going to Robbie's and Delbert's crack house.

Brett DeMarco (cynically): Robbie and Delbert? Great? I can't hardly wait!

Zeta: Awesome! Sports Bar here we come!

Brett DeMarco: The sooner I don't have to keep up with this charade the better.

Zeta: Too bad Slammo isn't here.

Fitz: Yeah, I miss him too. He decided to stay in Hawaii running that Meth Lab I built there.

Brett DeMarco: Let's just go to the Sports Bar already.

Fitz, Brett, and Zeta all drove to the Paradise Sports Bar.

Scene 7:

In the school library, Randall was holding a secret meeting in between classes. Only Bullet, Dusty, Randall, and Gina were there.

Randall: All right. I want a status report from all of you. First you, Bullet.

Bullet: Having the time of my life here. Why do people piss and moan about high school? It's the greatest! One of the cheerleaders stole a beer keg from her Dad!

Randall: What about you, Gina?

Gina (scoffs and rolls eyes): A twat waffle history teacher yelled at me because I wasn't being (in a mocking voice) politically correct.

Randall: As for me! I am loving being a Principal! Too bad I can't be one for good!

Dusty: Some jocks in English class dared me to eat tater tots. Now they're my best friends.

Randall: Dusty, you fucking idiot! Those jocks aren't your friends!

Bullet: Yeah they were using you! And you fell for it!

Dusty: Well, I didn't know...they seemed friendly at first...

Stanley appears right next to them wearing a prom dress.

Gina: What do you want, Stanley?

Stanley: Looks like I get to be prom queen after all and...

Randall: Don't even think about it, Stanley!

Bullet: Go back to your janitor duties.

Stanley (walks off): Great Googlie Mooglie!

Dusty: Where's Kevin?

Kevin entered the library. He was full of toilet paper, spitballs, and paper airplanes.

Randall: God Dammit Kevin! First you embarrass me during jury duty. Now THIS!

Kevin: It's not what you think, Dad. I joined a Chess Club and...

Randall: Always has to hang around with geeks. It's no wonder you got pelted by the popular kids. Ever heard the expression, "You're Known By The Company You Keep"?

Kevin: We puked during an autopsy video in science class. Now everyone is calling us Puke Patrol. Then my chess club friends stopped hanging around with me.

A group of teens walked by Kevin.

Teens: HEY LOOK, IT'S THE LEADER OF THE PUKE PATROL! (run away laughing)

Kevin: How much more longer do we have to hide out in a high school? All the bad memories are flooding back.

Bullet: You should've joined me to be a cheerleader mascot.

Randall: It's all your fault we're hiding away in a high school in the first place Kevin. We'll stay here and hopefully get some news that Butch Wallace was captured.

Gina: Oh, I forgot to tell you guys something.

Dusty: What is it, Gina?

Gina: I joined a Wrestling Team earlier.

Bullet: That's awesome, Gina.

Gina: The Wrestling match will be at 3:00.

Kevin: Glad to hear it, Gina.

The secretary of Diamond City talks though the speaker.

Randall: Oh an announcement. Please let it be word that Butch Wallace got his ass kicked.

Kevin: And we can get out of here and go back to being cops in Paradise!

Secretary: Attention Diamond City High Students. Report to the auditorium now. The Wrestling Match will begin soon. We also have a new member of the Wrestling Team named Gina Jabowski. Who joins us all the way from Paradise. When you see her, give her a kind warm welcome. Thank you.

Gina: This is it! Time to squash some teenage twat waffles.

Randall, Kevin, Bullet, and Dusty all follow Gina into the auditorium.

Bullet: Another cool thing about high school is sports! Everywhere you look, sports sports sports! (sighs) Maybe in another life I can be a high school jock!

Butch Wallace (spying on Kevin and Randall): Wresting Match, hey? This is my cue! (laughs evilly) Enjoy the last minutes of your lives, Randall and Kevin Crawford!

Scene 8:

Fitz, Brett DeMarco and Zeta were in the limo delivering the pizzas filled with meth. The limo Fitz was driving was parked at the Sports Bar. Brett DeMarco was still forced to be Fred J. Phillips.

Brett DeMarco: Here I go.

Fitz: This time don't take so long! You'll make someone suspicious.

Zeta (hands the pizzas to Brett): So far we're getting away with it.

Fitz: Zeta is right. We cannot afford to get our cover blown. Don't you dare fuck everything up!

Brett DeMarco: You always tell me I'm the best Legion of DOOOOOM member.

Fitz: Consider that a warning.

Zeta: We plan to put the frame on the dead dude.

Brett DeMarco walking around in Fred J. Phillip's dead body walks over to the Sports Bar. The bartender spots him.

Bartender: Hey, Fred! Thanks for the pizzas. And helping me win that bet on the game.

Brett DeMarco: Uhhh, yeah. Cool I guess.

The bartender pays Brett DeMarco for the pizzas.

Brett DeMarco: Have fun everyone. I gotta go now and...

Bartender: No wait! Stay for a while. Why don't you play us all a song.

A guitar is handed to Brett DeMarco by the Bartender.

Brett DeMarco: Which song do you want me to play?

Bartender: I don't know...Hmmmm...Something by Peter Frampton.

Brett DeMarco plays the guitar but uses Fred J. Phillips' head to strum it.

Bartender: Don't forget the lyrics.

Brett DeMarco (singing while strumming the guitar): Oooooh Baby I Love Your Way! Love Your Way! I Wanna Be With You Night And Day! Night And Day!

Bartender: Awesome! Fred J. Phillips everybody! Fred J. Phillips!

All the patrons at the sports bar were cheering and clapping for what they thought was Fred J. Phillips.

Brett DeMarco: Gonna go now. Goodbye! It was fun.

Waddling back into the limo again, Brett DeMarco goes into the car wearing Fred J. Phillips' corpse.

Fitz: Great job, Brett! This time you didn't take so long.

Brett DeMarco: This Fred J. Phillips asshole must be very popular in town.

Zeta: Our last stop is Robbie and Delbert Daddy Fitz.

Fitz: Now remember. When we go there, do not let them talk you into staying with them to have fun.

Brett DeMarco: Yes I know. Don't have to keep TELLING ME!

Fitz was now driving the limo on his way to Robbie's and Delbert's crack house. As much as Brett DeMarco was fine with keeping up the charade. He was getting annoyed at how it seemed like everyone in town knew and was friends with Fred J. Phillips.

Scene 9:

The whole Diamond City High School gathered into the auditorium to see the big anticipated wrestling match. Randall, Stanley, Kevin, Bullet, and Dusty were in the audience. The gym teacher took his place in the center.

Gym Teacher: Everybody listen up! Quiet down! Thank you! This is the moment we've all been waiting for today. We are going to watch the Diamond City Wrestling Team beat the ever loving shit out of the Paradise Wrestling Team!

The crowd erupts in cheers.

Gym Teacher: We always beat Paradise when it comes to sports! We beat them in basketball, baseball, football, and this time, Wrestling! Now before we do anything else. I want to introduce a new comer to our team. She joins us all the way from Paradise. Please welcome, the one, they only Gina Jabowski!

The crowd cheers some more when Gina came into the center of the auditorium.

Gina: You wanna see some real wrestling? Wait until you see some maneuvers I came up with!

Kevin: Go Gina!

Randall: You show 'em Gina!

Stanley: I was a referee in the ring with Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler once!

Dusty: Yay Gina!

Bullet: Kick some teenage ass!

Gina: Things are about to get very bloody and violent so be ready twat waffles!

A member from the Paradise Wrestling Team takes his place in the center where the wrestling mat was. When the Wrestling Match was about to start. Two effigies come down that resemble scarecrows that looked an awful lot like Kevin and Randall.

Kevin: This is like that Gilligan's Island episode where they made doubles of themselves with hay.

Randall: Whoever built those should just burn the Kevin one. Not me.

Gina: What the fuck! Not this again! Everytime I'm about to inflict savagery, something always interrupts me!

The crowd was murmuring. The effigies of Kevin and Randall soon burned in a flame of fire. Gina was so angry, she walked out of the auditorium and went in the audience to join Kevin, Randall, Dusty, and Stanley/

Dusty: Sorry you didn't get to wrestle, Gina.

Gina: So what? I'll kick some criminal ass again if we ever go back to Paradise.

Randall: Oh no! Those effigies! They're burning up!

Kevin: Someone do something!

The fire flame that was burning the effigies soon ran out. Entering the middle of the auditorium, was the man himself. It was none other than Butch Wallace. Everyone in the audience kept asking who he was.

Science Teacher: What the hell is this all about?

History Teacher: Who the fuck is that?

Butch Wallace: Greeting, Diamond City High School. You're probably wondering why I'm here.

Dusty feels some milk exploding from his shirt. One of the Jocks from English class laughed.

Jock #1: Got Milk!

Dusty: Don't mind them, they're my friends.

Randall: He's a bully you ass tard! But still, what the fuck is Butch Wallace doing here?

Kevin: How did he find out we were here? I thought he forgot about us!

Butch Wallace: You see, I was stalking and tracking down two men. A father and a son. Who are hiding out in this high school just to avoid me. Want to know what this father and son did? They were on jury duty and when I was going to get a life sentence for being a bank robber and serial rapist. Then someone named Kevin Crawford who was being an annoying little prick asked the judge if I was going to be hung!

Kevin: Look, I'm sorry! Georgia has the death penalty. Even criminals who don't kill get it.

Randall: You found us asshole. What do you want?

Butch Wallace: What I want is to fight them both to the death! Forget Wrestling! You're all about to see a real fight! So, everyone here gather around the front of the high school! As for you Kevin and Randall, you will both meet me at the flagpole! There's going to be blood!

Kevin: Ooooh! Dad! I'm so scared! We can't fight against him.

Randall: You want a fight! You got it! Bring it on, mother fucker!

Dusty (calls out to the school): There's going to be a fight!

Kevin: Gina! You're the toughest one of all. Help us!

Gina: No way! You're both on your own! I had nothing to do with this Butch Wallace shit.

Stanley: I'll stand by you guys!

Butch Wallace leads the whole Diamond City High School to the front of the building by the flagpole. Everyone was chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

Randall: I'm going to smash him a new asshole when I get done with him!

Gina: Don't expect me to help you!

Randall: Nobody is asking you to! So much for you being my best cop!

Stanley: Forget her! How about I help? Can I be a cheerleader for you?

Kevin: That won't happen! This episode ought to be called A Fistful of Randall and Kevin.

Bullet: Say I got it! All go around and place bets! Be right back! (runs off)

Dusty: Here we go breaking fourth wall again. This is a fanfic. Not a real episode.

Gina: That's a title pun to a movie. A Fistful of Dollars.

Kevin: Okay! This FANFIC ought to be called A Fistful of Randall and Kevin.

Randall: He'll probably kill you Kevin, so please die so I can be the hero.

Kevin: Well maybe we'll both die. Oh gosh! Oh boy! Oh dear! Feeling condemned here! Might as well be walking the Green Mile!

Dusty (laughs): Oh Dear Feeling condemned here? Say that rhymes!

Randall: Shut up, Dusty!

Scene 10:

Fitz parks the limo in front of Robby's and Delbert's crack house.

Brett DeMarco: This is the last time EVER that am I going to pose as a dead guy whose supposedly still alive!

Fitz: Just deliver the pizza and come back out!

Zeta: That's right. Don't let anyone talk you into staying around.

Brett DeMarco: Right.

Fitz: I want to put the frame on this corpse soon!

Waddling around once more in the body of Fred J. Phillips, Brett DeMarco delivers the last of the pizzas to Robbie and Delbert.

Robbie: Hello! Is our pizza ready?

Brett DeMarco: Yes it is. It'll be $10.77 for two please.

Delbert: Great! Our pizzas here! Took you long enough.

Robbie and Delbert take a good look at Fred J. Phillips corpse.

Fitz: Oh shit! Just how many people in Paradise knew about this Fred J. Phillips asshole?

Zeta: Come on, Uncle Brett! Get back here...

Fitz: Was this son of a bitch the pillar of the community or something?

Robbie: Hey, I know you! You're that fun pizza delivery boy!

Delbert: Do my eyes play tricks on me or are you Fred J. Phillips?

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): Look I don't have time. I gotta get back to work.

Robbie: Nonsense! Set a spell!

Delbert: Take your shoes off!

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): What do you guys want? For me to watch a Beverly Hillbillies marathon with you or something?

Robbie: Oh no. Nothing like that. We want to introduce you to a fun game!

Delbert: We were going to show you last week when you delivered our pizzas. But we forgot.

Robbie: This time we remembered!

Delbert opens an empty closet and there was a noose and an empty pail.

Robbie: Ta da!

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): What the fuck is this supposed to be? You playing the Colonel William Higgins game?

Delbert: Nope. This is a game called Choke The Chicken!

Robbie: Wanna know how to play?

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): Fine! How do you play?

Delbert: You just put your head in this noose...

Robbie: Then you choke your chicken. In other words, masterbate!

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): Uhhh, why don't one of you guys show me?

Delbert: No problem!

Robbie: You gotta masterbate until you feel a whole lotta jizz coming out of your penis!

Delbert: Just like David Carradine before he made Dark Fields!

Brett DeMarco (as Fred): Okay, your point?

Robbie: It's gonna feel good! REALLY GOOD! (getting his head in the noose)

As Robbie tries to 'demonstrate' how to play Choke the Chicken, Brett DeMarco runs out of the crack house as fast as he could.

Delbert: You got your head in the noose, Robbie.

Robbie: Yeah, I do. OKay Fred, pay attention and...(looks around and sees Fred is gone): Hey?! Where did he go?

Delbert: Who cares, Robbie! Let's just have some pizza.

Robbie (getting out of the noose): All right. There's always other times for Choke the Chicken.

Waddling in Fred J. Phillips' corpse Brett DeMarco makes his way into the limo. Fitz drives off. Brett DeMarco gets himself out of the corpse of Fred J. Phillips.

Fitz: Thank god that's all over.

Zeta: Never a dull moment since I came to live with you. I thought this was all a blast, Daddy Fitz!

Fitz: Yeah, it was actually. What's life without any suspense or conflict?

Brett DeMarco: Wasn't fun for me.

Zeta: We understand, Uncle Brett.

Fitz: Now let's put our plan into action. Get rid of Fred J. Phillips for good!

Driving to the middle of the street. Miles away from the Dippin' Dots building. Fitz goes to his cellphone and calls the FBI.

Fitz: Hello, FBI. I want to report a very dangerous man. It's a pizza delivery boy named Fred J. Phillips. He's known for giving out pizzas full of meth and killing and getting the town high. Here's right here in Paradise Georgia. I'm sure you can use Google Earth to track this fucker down! You located him? Good! Thank you and goodbye! (hangs up cellphone) All right. This is it! Everything is set. Let's move it!

Zeta, Brett DeMarco, and Fitz all run out of the limo leaving behind the corpse of Fred J. Phillips. As the three of them were running back to the Dippin Dots building. The FBI came in numerous cars surrounding the limo.

FBI Agent: This is the FBI! Fred J. Phillips we have you cornered! Come out with your hands up. If you don't we'll use excessive force.

Now outside the Dippin Dots Building. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and Zeta watch as all the FBI agents shoot up the limo with Fred J. Phillips corpse inside. Until the limo explodes.

Brett DeMarco: So much for our limo?

Fitz: No problem. We have another one in the garage.

Frank Flipperfist (runs out): Guess what! I just fixed the toilet that stupid Pizza Delivery Boy broke.

Fitz: Very good, Frank.

Zeta: This doesn't put an end to Pizza Parties does it?

Fitz: Absolutely not! In fact we're going to have one next Friday!

Brett DeMarco: That's cool. Next time let's pick up the pizza ourselves.

Fitz: That we will. No more pizza delivery boys for us anymore!

Brett DeMarco, Fitz, Frank, and Zeta all go back inside the Dippin Dots building and call it a day.

Scene 11:

Getting ready to witness a huge fight. Randall and Kevin soon found themselves at the flagpole in the front of the school building. Face to face with BUtch Wallace.

Bullet (to the crowd): $50! $50! You all have to give me $50 if Randall and Kevin go down!

Gina: Bullet? You're placing bets?!

Bullet: Why yes I am! I do this all the time when I'm cock fighting!

Gina: $50 if they get killed? Why so you can spend that money on fucking drugs?

Bullet (laughing): Oh Gina! You know me too well! $50! $50! $50 if Randall and Kevin go down.

Kevin: Well, Dad this is it. See you on the other side.

Dusty (gets in between): There are no rules in this fight. Shake hands and may the best man win!

Butch Wallace: Your son is actually smart. YOU BOTH will go on the other side! So, ready to get your asshole turned inside out?

Randall: There's something you did not count on...

Butch Wallace punches both Randall and Kevin square in the face. Stanley comes up from the crowd. Dressed as a cheerleader.

Stanley (to Butch Wallace): Hey you sumbitch! You leave them alone! You hear me! If you wanna beat them up you'll have to get past me!

Butch Wallace (pushes Stanley): Awww, SHUT UP!

Gina: Let's go Randall! Get off your ass and get violent!

Kevin gets up and tries to dodge at Butch Wallace. However, Kevin finds himself being picked up and thrown onto a car.

Dusty: Oh no! Kevin! Call 911!

Going to help Kevin, Dusty gets him up from the car.

Dusty (pushes Kevin back into the fight): Go get 'em tiger!

Kevin: Woah! (bumps into Butch Wallace)

Butch Wallace: That was uncalled for! You both get kicks in your faces!

Randall and Kevin feel Butch Wallace's foot get kicked in their faces knocking them into the ground.

Kevin: There's no way we can beat him.

Randall: Oh yes there is.

Dusty: Now that you mention it, I got this can of spinach! You can both be like Popeye!

Randall throws the can of spinach at Butch Wallace who becomes even more determined to destroy Randall and Kevin.

Gina: Yeah that's it! Now you're getting smart!

Butch Wallace: ROAR! This'll teach you both for almost sending me to prison!

Randall and Kevin try to fight off Butch Wallace in any way they could. But both fail.

Butch Wallace: Why don't you both just give up and let me kill you two?

Kevin: No! We are Crawfords! We are the type of family that...

Butch Wallace beats on Kevin then Randall.

Randall (getting up): Rather obvious I am not going to win this fight with you by my side Kevin.

Butch Wallace: Got that right, you're both a couple of fucking wimps!

Randall: Kevin stay out of the fight!

Kevin: But why?

Randall: Because with you in my way. You're making us lose! But there is a way you can help?

Kevin: How? Tell me! I'm willing to do so anytime about now.

Randall: Hand me those patches. They're in your pocket.

Kevin reaches into his pockets and hands Randall the testosterone patches. Randall applies them on himself.

Bullet: Oh fuck it to hell! You're cheating! Now I'm never going to win big bucks with this fight!

Butch Wallace (laughing) : What the fuck are those patches for? You think that's your ticket to winning the fight?

Randall: Damn straight it is!

The testosterone patches soon take effect. Randall becomes red and muscular.

Gina: Yeah yeah yeah! Kill 'em Randall! I'm in the mood for some blood and guts!

Butch Wallace: What the fuck are you supposed to be? The bastard hell spawn love child of the Incredible Hulk and Deadpool?

Randall: No! I'm Randall Crawford! Police Chief of the Paradise PD! My fellow officers and my retard son were hiding away in this school to get away from you.

All the teachers, students, and counsel members were all murmuring.

Butch Wallace: What are you going to do now? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm still going to send you to hell! And your son too!

Randall: Oh no you're not! Instead of sending you to prison, you're the one who's going to get sent to hell! Say hi to Satan for me!

Kevin: Go Dad Go!

Using all of this fiber, well being, and strength from within in. Thanks to the testosterone patches. Randall picks up Butch Wallace. Breaks him in half then jumps on his broken body and steps on Butch Wallace until he explodes into a bloody pulp. Butch Wallace will never terrorize Randall and Kevin again. The crowd watching the fight explodes into cheers.

Randall: Thank you! Thank you!

Bullet: Shit! I didn't get any money from this.

Dusty: So what? At least we can go back home now.

Kevin: Wow Dad! That was awesome!

Randall: I won without you. That's why it was awesome!

Stanley: Wow! Randall! You got all Gina on him!

Gina: No shit!

Randall: Goodbye High School! I never want to see you again!

Kevin: Yeah, good riddance! (gives middle finger)

Gina: We're policemen, not a bunch of worthless twat waffle teenagers.

Dusty: Can't say I'll miss you. But I will miss my jock friends.

Bullet: They used you! Get it though you thick head!

Dusty: Oh right.

The Paradise PD depart from Diamond City High School and go back to doing Police Work for the Paradise PD.

Scene 12 Conclusion:

Things were back to normal for the Paradise PD. They were back to work on patrol for any crime and mischief that might come their way.

Gina: It's awesome to be back, isn't it!

Dusty: I enjoy police work way more than I enjoy high school.

Kevin: I hope I never go on jury duty again.

Randall: Neither do I, son! Neither do I!

Bullet: Is it me or was I the only one who had fun with hiding out in a high school.

Randall: Oh get over those stupid cheerleaders, Bullet.

Kevin: You'll never see them again.

Bullet: Yeah you're right and...(sees something move from far away): Holy fuck! Who are they?

Gina: We've been gone too long. Yeah I see them too.

Coming their way, it was the people who ate the meth pizza that Fitz and Brett DeMarco had delivered from 2 nights before. All the Women from the so-called 'shelter', everyone from the sports bar and even Robbie and Delbert. All got into a zombie-like state after eating the meth filled pizzas.

Stanley: They all remind me of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis in Scared Stiff! They were fun to have around for a threesome!

Kevin: This sure beats high school! No friends who'll reject you, and no gross science videos!

Randall: For once I agree with you, Kevin.

Gina: Come on, what are we waiting for! Let's kill these twat waffle zombies!

Bullet: Who cares about cheerleaders anyway! I'd much rather be doing THIS!

Dusty: Got my guns ready! (cocks guns)

Randall: And fire away!

The Paradise PD shoot up and fight off the zombies in a freeze frame scene.

Bullet (in a voiceover): Look out, Paradise Criminals! The Paradise PD are back in action! Bad Boys! Bad Boys! Whatcha Gonna Do!

THE END