FicWad

A/N: This is an AU Family Guy fanfiction. Sorry there will be no cutaway gags. Could not think of any. Enjoy the fanfiction anyway.



Family Guy Presents



A Narwhal Puppy Production



Unprepared and Inexperienced



Graduation day is finally come to Adam West High School. All the seniors are on the school auditorium stage receiving their diplomas. Principal Shepard was calling out the students one by one. The first ones he called were Neil Goldman and Meg Griffin.

"Neil Goldman!" applause scattered all over the gymnasium.

"Meg Griffin!" applause scattered once again all over the gymnasium.

Neil and Meg got their diplomas. Principal Shepard called out more Seniors. When he was done giving diplomas to all the seniors. Principal Shepard says, "Congratulations Adam West High Seniors! You have completed high school!"

Cheers erupted all over the gymnasium. The caps and gowns were thrown into the air. Neil and Meg were now dating and were in the third month of their relationship.

"Happiest day of my life!" Meg said. Neil agrees, "We're going to get married after graduating!" "There's nothing I want more. So sorry for rejecting you all though out high school." Meg says. "That's okay. Let's look into the future. You always used to say you would date me when you were ready to settle for me." Neil tells Meg.

Principal Shepard then had an announcement to make, "Unfortunately some of you won't be graduating."

"Hey, you didn't call us up to get our diplomas!" Connie called out in the audience.

"That's what I want to say, Connie. You, Lisa, and the popular football jocks will not be graduating!" Principal Shepard says.

"WHAT! WHY!" Lisa shrieked.

"Because you guys spent all your time in high school acting like assholes and bullying innocent people! For that you have two choices. Do your senior year over, or go to military school!" Principal Shepard says.

Connie, Lisa, and the popular football jocks were stone silent. Principal Shepard says, "Your silence tells me all! Military School it is! Officers! Take them away!"

A bunch of men in uniform cart off Connie, Lisa, and all the popular jocks into a van and drove them to military school.

"YES! YES! Good riddance cock suckers!" Neil cheers. "Oh I am so happy! Connie and Lisa finally got what was coming to them!" Meg said.

"Can't wait to go home!" Meg tells Neil. "Yeah, we'll tell your family about the big news about our upcoming wedding!" said Neil.

Neil and Meg drive to the Griffin house. Joe Swanson was outside the Griffin house arresting Peter and Lois.

"Holy shit! This looks like that Cops show!" Neil says with shock. "JOE! What happened!" Meg asked.

"I arrested Peter and Lois for abusing you all these years." said Joe. "Oh wow! Can this day get any better!" Meg shrieks with glee.

Peter and Lois were being dragged in the back of Joe's cop car, begging for freedom. Both of them had handcuffs behind their backs. "Please! Please! Let us go!" "We didn't mean to be so cruel and harsh with Meg!" "It was all just a joke!" "We were having a bad day!"

Brian came out, "I obtained custody of Chris and Stewie."

"This is a marvelous day for the both of us!" Neil said with pride. "Yeah! No more Connie! No more Mom and Dad! Brian, would you like to be the best man at our wedding?" Meg offers.

"I'd be delighted!" Brian answers. "I can be a Wedding Crasher but only pick up guys for dates!" Stewie said. "Let's have our wedding be like the movie Betsy's Wedding." said Meg with excitement.


2 weeks later.


Neil and Meg got married. Before the wedding was over, Neil and Meg were stopped by Mayor Wild Wild West.

"Meg and Neil Goldman." said Wild Wild West.

"Hey, it's Wild Wild West!" Meg says.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" asked Neil.

"To make up for all the pain and suffering you both suffered in high school and at home. I now appoint you, Neil Goldman. By the power vested in me as Mayor. You Neil Goldman are now the Governor of Rhode Island!"

Neil and Meg jump up and down in happiness.

"YES! YES YES!" "We're rich!" "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOVERNOR!" "THINGS ARE GETTING SO GOOD FOR US!"

Brian and Stewie watch the wedding, "Wow, what do you know. Neil just became a governor of Rhode Island." observed Brian. "That is shocking. Neil doesn't have any political experience." Stewie said.

"You're right. This can only end badly." Brian said. "Ahh, leave them alone and let them live their lives. With any luck Neil will end up like Bulworth!" Stewie said.

Neil and Meg moved into the Governor's mansion and were now powerful political figures. Everyone in Quahog was happy for Neil and Meg. Soon moving into the governor's mansion as weeks went by. Neil Goldman felt an emptiness inside. He had no idea how to be governor. Every time he made speeches and promised people better lives, he froze up, however thanks to a teleprompter he was able to finish the speeches.

Tom Tucker even did news reports about Neil, "Newly Elected Governor Neil Goldman is off to a terrible start." Joyce Kinney adds, "That's right, Tom. He freezes up during speeches and hasn't lived up to his promises."

Neil also felt a lot of the pressure that came along with being a Governor. Being thrown into Political Power with no prior experience. Neil's whole life started to become very boring. High school life was paradise compared to being a governor all of the sudden.

Neil actually began to miss high school and wished he was back. While all his peers were in college, preparing for their lives and partying along the way. Neil felt like he had this heavy burden of responsibility to land on him so quickly.

In the long run, Neil started to notice a change in Meg. She was becoming a control freak. Meg was beginning to change for the worse, as the days and weeks have passed. Meg was even getting to be a huge snob. Neil suggested that they spend some time together hoping their marriage will get a little better.

"Hey, Meg. Do you want to have sex on the pool table? Or maybe take a walk around the mansion garden?" offers Neil.

Meg spat off at her husband, "Is that all you think about is screwing around! You have really sucked lately at being governor! Why not try to pass some laws and make things better for the people!"

"Well, Meg. You don't understand. Bring governor isn't as easy as it looks. I mean, we didn't get to pick and choose all this. It was just thrown at us!" Neil conceded.

"You were class president in Buddy Cianci Junior High for what? Three consecutive years? Do something with that! Make yourself useful! Be a governor!" Meg demanded.

"I'm doing the best I can here. It's just...." Neil tries to get in the right words. "Well, get better! How are we supposed to get any respect as a political power couple when all you do is make broken promises and freeze up during speeches!" Meg spouted off.

"Guess this is what they call the real world! Bitch! It's nothing like high school just like people have tried to warn us all these years!" Neil fought back with sarcasm.

"Instead of wallowing around. Feeling sorry for yourself. Acting so fucking lost, and not knowing what to do! Why don't you go out there and make this state better for THE PEOPLE! You need to get over your own shit you call problems and think about THE PEOPLE! THE PEOPLE NEIL! THE PEOPLE!" Meg said raising her voice.

Neil walked off in misery. Then he got an idea, longing to regain his youth before becoming governor. He decided to call his old best friend. Chris Griffin.

Going on the phone, Neil calls Chris, "Hey, Chris! How are you doing? It's your old pal, Neil Goldman! Or should I say, Governor Neil Goldman."

"Oh, hey Neil! How is being a governor working out for you?" asked Chris over the phone to Neil.

Not wanting Chris to worry that he was having troubles. Neil says, "It's great! Best thing in the world that's ever happened to me!"

"That's awesome! You won't believe this! I became popular because my peers felt bad for me after Mom and Dad got arrested. I have a fun social life now. Even dating a hot cheerleader! Brian is raising me better than Mom and Dad ever did." Chris explains to Neil.

"Really happy for you, Chris! Say, listen. Would you like to hang out sometime? You know. For old times sake?" asked Neil.

"Sorry, but I can't. Being popular, and you graduated. I'm afraid I don't have time for old friends anymore." Chris tells him.

"Okay. Have fun with your new life! Bye." Neil said to hang up the phone in sadness. "Bye Neil! I promise to come to one of your speeches someday!" Chris says his goodbyes to Neil.

Sighing in despair. Neil drives the limo to find a place where he can vent his frustrations.




*



Parking the limo, Neil finds a place. That place was The Drunken Clam. Going inside to have a few drinks. Neil approaches the bar of the Clam. Jerome was there.

"Hey, everybody! Look! It's Governor Neil Goldman!" Jerome said.

"NEIL!" the bar patrons cheered.

"So, Governor. What will it be today?" asked Jerome. "Whiskey on the rocks would be good." said Neil. "Of course! In fact, have it on the house!" Jerome offered.

Pouring some whiskey into a shot glass, Neil drinks it down. Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland were there. Things had not been the same for Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire since Peter had been in prison.

"Anyone miss Peter?" asked Cleveland. "We do." Joe and Quagmire said in unison. Joe turns to Neil, "Hey, Governor! Why not try to make some stricter laws against criminals!" asked Joe.

"Yeah, give more rights to black people, too while you're at it!" Cleveland shouted out.

"You're not going to make us pay higher taxes are you? I need some of that money for myself so I can bang some chicks!" Quagmire said.

Neil was really feeling the pressure now that he was being harassed by Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. Neil tells Jerome. "Just keep the whiskey bottle nearby."

"Anything for a governor!" Jerome said.

Neil drank the whiskey bottle whole. Then threw the bottle at Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.

"What the fuck was that for!" Quagmire roared.

"You have no idea how hard it is for me!" Neil screamed. "Uhh, Neil. I know you're a Governor. I don't allow that type of behavior in my bar!" Jerome observed.

"OH WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU, TOM FUCKING CRUISE IN FUCKING COCKTAIL!" Neil yelled in Jerome's face.

"I think you had enough..." Jerome says trying to reason with Neil.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH! YOU WANT ME GONE! FINE! I'M GONE!" Neil says. Now he was drunk. Limping his way to the exit of the Drunken Clam. Neil was hiccuping as he was getting back into his limo.

Cleveland says, "Oh no! Neil is going to drive home drunk!"

"Yeah, Joe! You're a cop! Try to stop him before he ends up like Corey Haim in License To Drive!" Quagmire says.

"Nah, let him make his own mistakes. If this keeps up, then I'll do something. It's some stupid law that needs to be overturned." Joe tells Cleveland and Quagmire.

"Damn, he's worse than Peter when he gets drunk." Cleveland observed. "Even Peter wasn't THIS bad!" Quagmire agrees.

Neil puts his keys into the ignition of his limo. Neil begins to drive in zigzags. "What the hell am I doing here?" Neil slurs his words. Unknowingly pressing down on the accelerator, Neil drives the limo at fast speeds.

"WOO HOO HOO! Gonna have some fun!" Neil cheers.

The limo Neil was driving was out of control when Neil accidentally pressed the 'cruise control' button. "WOW! LOOK AT ME! THIS IS THE LIFE! I'M THE LAST AMERICAN HERO! GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER GOOOO!"

Neil's fun lasted for about twenty minutes or so. The fast speeding fun soon came crashing down as Neil drove the limo into a swamp. Despite being drunk, Neil was able to find his way back to the Governor's Mansion.

Meg was waiting for him. Neil walked inside tripping over his own feet. "Where have you been?" Meg demanded to know.

"I was just out having a little fun! hick!" Neil answers. Meg smells alcohol, and Neil reeked of it. "Oh my gosh! Are you drunk?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, I am! So! hick!" Neil said. "If you become a drinker, it'll ruin our reputation as a political couple!" Meg said. "I don't really.....well, I don't know....what....to....hick!" Neil once again slurs his words.

"Well, go sleep it off. I got a dinner party planned this weekend!" Meg informs Neil. "Really. Oh shit. More work?! hick" Neil hiccups.

"Yes, more work. I need your help with the decorations! My old friend Beth Bethany is coming to the dinner party. She married Wild Wild West's Great nephew who's a little older than us. She's also a governor's wife like me. Her husband Northern West is Governor of New Hampshire! And I want to make a good impression on her." Meg tells Neil.

"Northern West? hick Any related to Kanye? hick Didn't that Kanye dude name one of his kids.....hick never mind.........." Neil slurs his words once more. "Get your act together! Help me with the party." Meg says.

"Whatever you say, bitch!" Neil says with hiccups. Meg ignored Neil's profane insult. Waking up with a hangover. Neil snuck off to the Drunk Clam. Meg woke up thinking Neil was with her. Meg saw that Neil was gone, so she got her servants to plan for the dinner party instead.

The servants were working their asses off with the party, cake, food, and decorations. Meg was ordering them around like an Army General.

"You there! Put the cake in the middle! And you, where do you think you're putting that banner! Not over there! Over that way! That's the wrong place! Everything needs to be perfect! No it goes here! What the hell is wrong with all of you! Can't you do anything right!!!!" "You're all a bunch of idiots!"

Neil was back at the Clam. Jerome tells him, "You ready to behave yourself this time?" "Yeah, whatever. Whiskey on the rocks." Neil demanded.

"Fine, customers are always right. Don't overdo it this time!" Jerome says. "Don't tell me what to do! I'm a fucking Governor!" Neil muttered his words.

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire decide to keep a close eye on Neil. "Welp, there he goes again!" Quagmire implies.

"I'll be ready for him this time!" Joe said. "But he's a governor. Isn't he considered 'above the law'?" asked Cleveland.

Neil once again, drank the whole bottle of whiskey. He wanted more, so Neil got a whiskey bottle from behind Jerome and drank and drank until he became even more drunken than usual.

Jerome sees the empty whiskey bottle before him, "What the hell! That was the last of my whiskey!" Neil skipped out of the bar then he saw a Marlon Johnson poster and shouted, "MARLON JOHNSON SUCKS!" That enraged Jerome very badly. "How dare he insult the greatness that is Marlon Johnson!" Jerome says.

"Don't worry, Jerome. I got my police car in the parking lot. I'll run him in if he tries anything." assured Joe. Remembering breaking the limo, Neil got inside of Joe's cop car and started to drive it. "This'll do!" he said. Neil even played the sirens.

Cleveland and Quagmire hear the sirens. "Oh no! Don't tell me...." Cleveland says, "Uhhh, Joe! I think 'the governor' stole your car!" Quagmire pointed outside.

Wheeling himself to the parking lot, Joe sees Neil make a clean getaway on his police car. "AAAAAHHH! MY COP CAR! MY COP CAR IS STOLEN!" Joe began to sob.

Cleveland and Quagmire assured the crippled police man. "That was my favorite police car!" Joe cries out.

Headed over to a liquor store, Neil once again drives the police car at fast speeds. Once Neil reaches the liquor store, he runs inside and spends all his money he had on him on more bottles of whiskey. Neil goes back inside the police car and goes 100 mph at a Speed Limit 50 zone. Neil turns on the radio.

"Let's get some tunes man!" Neil said drunkenly. Pressing a button on the radio, KRS One's Sound of Da Police plays and Neil sings along with it.

"Woop Woop! Dat's Da Sound Of Da Police! Woop! Woop! Dat's Da Sound of Da Police!" Grabbing a bottle from the back seat where he had all the whiskey bottles, Neil reaches for one and drinks it until it's gone.

As Neil was speeding, up ahead there was Herbert with an ice cream truck and a bunch of kids were surrounding him. Not looking where he was going, Neil unknowingly ran over the children lined up to get ice cream from Herbert. All the children were a bloody mess now they were flattened on the street like roadkill.

"YOU BASTARD! I WAS SO CLOSE!" Herbert screamed at the speeding police car. Neil even drove around residential areas, crashing into houses, shrubbery, and even front yard lawns ruining their gardens. Along the way on Neil's joyride, he runs over an old lady, almost running into Bruce who screeches, "OOOHHH NNNOOO! I ALMOST GOT RUN OVER!" Seamus was standing on the road and got hit and flew into the sky. "AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I like the sea better than the sky!"

"WOO HOO! Hey! Get off the road you shit faced hogs!" Neil yelled out the window.

A motorcycle was speeding up to Neil, it was a police motorcycle. "PULL OVER!" said the cop over a megaphone. Neil did stop to pullover. The cop gets off his motorcycle and walks up to Neil.

"License and registration, sir!" said the cop. Neil gets out his ID and shows it to the cop. "Joe Swanson sent me. He was too inconsolable because some asshole stole his favorite cop car!" the cop tells Neil.

"Yeah, well I'm the asshole who stole his hick cop hick cap." slurred Neil. "Oh, now I know who you are. You're governor Neil Goldman." said the cop.

"That's me. I didn't ask for any of this shit!" Neil cries. "Just step out of the vehicle and I promise I'll let you off if you just get out of the car." the cop promised.

"It's a deal." Neil said. Getting out of the car, Neil grabs all the whiskey bottles he bought. Then the cop calls Joe Swanson on his cellphone. "There is no way I am arresting a politician. I'll just tell Joe you got away." said the cop. Neil stumbled his way into the Quahog forest. Losing his way because he was too drunk to even notice where he was going. Neil fell asleep in the woods.




*



The next morning, Neil woke up and had a terrible hangover. "Aaaah! FUCK! I never should've drank so much last night!" Neil then remembered one of the whiskey bottles he bought and guzzled it down fast. "Now I'm back!" Neil said. Feeling better from the hangover, Neil tries to walk back to the Governor's Mansion. Neil begins to talk to himself in a miserable sense.

"My life sucked so bad then and even now. Not even Hair of The Dog can make me feel better. I never asked for any of this shit! I should be in college like everyone else. I wanted to be an investment broker! Instead of being married to a girl who turned out to be a controlling hick bitch. Well, better get back to that stupid party she's planning." Neil said.

Finding his way back to the city, Neil tries to walk back to the Governor's Mansion while carrying whiskey bottles on his way. "Need another to get me though...." Neil stuttered. Drinking whiskey getting drunk again, unaware of his surroundings. Neil by mistake bumps the whiskey bottle into somebody.

"HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE DRINKING THAT THING!" the voice yelled out.

"Who are you! Who said that!" Neil demanded getting all paranoid.

"I did!" the voice said again, turning around it was Ernie the Chicken.

"Big Bird! You mother fucker! Nobody tells me to watch where I'm drinking! Go back to Sesame Street you yellow feathered SOB! hick" Neil ranted.

"All right! Okay! You asked for it! Since Peter Griffin went to prison. I've been looking for someone new to fight with!" Ernie the Chicken said to Neil. Putting up his wings as dukes. "Good! I accept your challenge!" Neil tells Ernie the Chicken.

Neil and Ernie the Chicken eyed each other the same way Peter and he used to. "I'm gonna send you back to the 'people in your neighborhood', fuckass!" Neil said delivering the first punch to Ernie the Chicken.

"BA-GOCK!" Ernie the Chicken screams tackling Neil. This soon led to a big huge fight. Throwing punches and blows at one another, Ernie and Neil were now beating each other up.

At the Governor's Mansion. Hold On By Santana plays. The dinner party Meg had planned was underway. Beth Bethany and her husband Northern West were there. "My dear Meg. I must say. You sure know how to throw a magnificent dinner party!" said Northern West who spoke in a classy eloquent rich man's type of voice.

"I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch with you, Patty, Ruth, and Ester. Should have told you I moved to New Hampshire when I had the chance." said Beth.

"Oh that's quite all right." Meg tells Beth. "My parents wanted me to be away from your family as much as possible." explains Beth. "My parents were very embarrassing. It's no wonder. Anyway, most of my bullies are now in military school. My parents are in prison for abusing me." Meg said. "That's good to hear. Justice was served." Beth said.

"Say where's your husband, Neil Goldman? The Governor of Rhode Island?" asked Northern West. "Him? Ahh, heh heh. He's sick." Meg said in a quiet panic seeing Neil is nowhere to be found. "Neil! Come on! Neil! Where are you!" Meg whispers.

A "BA-GOCK" is heard from far off into the distance. Everyone at the dinner party sees Neil Goldman from far away in a physical fight with Ernie the Chicken.

"Uhhh, uhhh, isn't that him over there?" asked one of the servants. Meg sees Neil and Ernie fighting and heads in the direction of the dinner party. "AAAAHHHHH! Holy shit! That is him! NEIL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Meg shrieks.

The fight between Neil and Ernie the Chicken literally destroys the dinner party. "Take this and that!" Neil screams punching and kicking Ernie. "Oh yeah! BA-GOCK!" roars Ernie the Chicken in anger as he picks up Neil and throws him into the cake. The whole cake exploded on Beth, her husband Northern West and all the servants. Picking himself up, although he was drunk, Neil dives at Ernie the Chicken to fight him some more.

All the other dinner party guests ran away.

Neil and Ernie found themselves on the ground, wrestling. "NEIL! STOP! STOP! PLEASE!" Meg screams but Neil and Ernie the Chicken ignore her pleas.

The radio that was playing was crushed by Ernie's weight when Neil kicked him out of the way. "Who the fuck was playing that Hispanic music! I HATE SALSA!" Neil screamed with rage.

"Hey, that was racist!" said Northern West.

The fight between Neil and Ernie continued on. Until Neil and Ernie were strangling each other. "Had enough, fuck face!" asked Ernie. "EAT ME!" Neil yelled.

"EAT THIS!" Ernie packed a powerful punch that sent Neil flying and breaking all the decorations and the tent collapsed into the ground. Ernie the Chicken jumps up and down in happiness.

"YES! YES! YES! After all the times I've lost to Peter Griffin. I've finally WON! YEAH! I WON! I WON! I WON!" Ernie the Chicken cheers for himself as he departs far away from the Governor's Mansion.

Northern West ran away without saying a word, Beth tried to convince him to come back. After failing to do so. Beth stomps over to Meg, "Now I realize why I cut off all contact with you, Meg Griffin!"

"Please Beth! No! Don't turn against me. This isn't my fault." Meg cries.

"You're just as much of a disgrace as your family is! Consider our friendship over!!" Beth shouted.

"But...but...but..." sputtered Meg.

"GOODBYE MEG GRIFFIN!" Beth said giving Meg the middle finger, then ran off to join her husband Northern West. Looking at all the destruction and damage Neil's fight with Ernie the Chicken had caused, Meg dies of embarrassment. Meg sits on the porch of the Mansion and cries. Neil was knocked out from the fight.

The next morning, Meg and Neil had a huge argument.

"What is your problem, Neil! All you ever do is goof off and drink!" Meg yells.

"Want to see my problem, go look in the mirror at your ugly ass self!" Neil shouted as he drank whiskey from the bottle.

"In high school you used to say you were against alcohol and drugs. You were an A student!" Meg reminds Neil of his past.

"That's all water under the bridge now. I never wanted to be a Governor anyway!" Neil hollers back. "I should be in college trying to make something of myself instead of being a sudden political figure and being married to you!"

"Mayor Wild Wild West gave you this wonderful opportunity because he felt so sorry for us for being outcasts in school. And this is how you repay him!" Meg continues to yell.

"It's like I said! I don't know how to be a Governor!" Neil yelled back.

"Start trying to act like one! Instead you're acting like a rabid monkey from the zoo! Besides, you know I'm from an alcoholic family. And now I'm married to one!" Meg screams. "This is the last thing I NEED!"

"SHUT UP, MEG!" Neil yelled at his wife. Seeing red, Meg gets a belt and begins to beat Neil senselessly. "Don't you EVER tell me to SHUT UP! EVER! EVER! EVER! YOU...ARE...NOT...MY..FUCKING.... FATHER!"

Neil was now being whipped with a belt by Meg. Repeatedly over and over. When Meg was done, she shouted, "Come Monday morning. Your ass is going to AA!"

"Yes, mommy!" Neil cries laying fetal position on the floor. "That's your punishment for ruining my party!" Meg says as she walked off.




*



All of Neil Goldman's drunken rampages made the local news headlines. Tom Tucker reports, "Governor Neil Goldman got drunk then stole officer Joe Swason's police car." Also, "Governor Neil Goldman was seen in a fist fight...with a giant chicken?" Tom Tucker reported in awe.

For the next two mornings or so, once Neil woke up he went straight to the whiskey bottles. He stored some in a secret icebox where only he had access to. Whenever Meg was away, Neil would tear down the mansion in anger. Breaking almost everything in sight.

Meg always told Neil to keep himself together while she was away. Claiming she was going to 'important' places to uphold her reputation as a Governor's wife. But instead, Meg was always going to the mall to spend all of Neil's money and spending it on frivolous things on herself that she didn't really need.

After his destructive alcohol induced tantrum, Meg comes home and sees the Governor's Mansion was in shambles. Neil was sitting on the floor, screaming at the ceiling asking for forgiveness.

"Mom! Mom! Please forgive me! Please forgive me! I'm a screw up!" Neil shouted then began to sob.

"What the FUCK is all this about?" Meg shouted.

"I am just so miserable....I just can't take it anymore." Neil sobbingly confessed.

"We live in a beautiful mansion! And you do not even CARE!" Meg yells at Neil who then proceeds to beat him. Neil tries to run away from Meg, but Meg chases after him with a broomstick.

"Get back here and man up! You fucking whiskey stinking drunk! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you!" Meg screams. Neil shouted, "Don't say those words, 'man up'! Those are my trigger words!" Neil passed out from being drunk and out of breath. Meg begins to hit him over and over again with a broomstick.

"AAAAHHH! AHHHH! AAAAAHHH! Not the wooden part, please! Please, No! Not the wooden part!" Neil says referring to the wooden stick of the broom.

Meg also had a wire hanger in her hand, "I noticed you hang all your clothes with these shit ass wire hangers!"

"Yeah, so? Everybody does!" Neil said.

Meg held the wire hanger up in the air and screamed at Neil, "NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!" "What difference does it make?" said Neil. "We're rich now. What are people going to think about us if we don't use fancy hangers?" replies Meg.

Neil decides to give up, "OKay you're right. Yes I have been drinking a lot. I just can't handle the pressures of being a Governor. That's my only way of coping."

Meg claps her hands, "Good Good. Admitting you have a problem. First step! I just called an Alcoholics Anonymous Support Group. You better get your ass over there right now and learn how to be a better Governor!" Meg yelled at her husband.

"Fine. But I crashed the limo and...." Neil was about to say. "I ordered a taxi! You are going to get clean, turn your life around, and be the best governor Rhode Island has ever seen! You need to better yourself for the people! THE PEOPLE! Hell, since you've been appointed, you have never even passed any laws!" Meg roared.

Neil picked himself up and walked out of the front door to the Governor's Mansion to wait for the taxi. "Here I go. Off to AA." Neil laments to himself. Meg opens the door to shout some at Neil more, "Another thing! Are you aware your drunken shenanigans are all over the news?! People are probably laughing their asses off at us!"

Instead of a taxi like he expected, a school bus comes to pick him up. Out comes Principal Shepherd. "Neil Goldman! My god! You look like you've been through hell." implied the Principal.

"You don't know half of it." Neil tells the Principal. "Say, since you're governor. How would you like to drive this school bus? We're going on a field trip to the Nature Preserve." offered Principal Shepherd.

"Okay, sure! I gladly accept. Better than AA." muttered Neil. "What was the last thing you said?" asked Principal Shepherd. "Oh, nothing important." Neil implied.

Chris Griffin was on the bus. "Hey, Neil! Long time no see! It's cool how you're going to be driving us on our field trip!" Neil was glad to see Chris again, "Chris! Oh I missed you! I was chosen for this since I am Governor now. "

"We can talk and catch up. It'll be just like old times!" Chris suggests. "Yeah, you know it!" Neil said. Getting on the bus, Principal Shepherd was now sitting in the back to be the chaperone. "All right. Settle down, listen up. This is Governor Neil Goldman. You will treat him with respect and do everything he tells you, understand?" The Principal ordered the students.

Neil gets on the bus and drives it. Then he began to feel very dull. Neil was craving whiskey, his veins ached for it. "Let's sing a song!" Chris said.
A student said, "Sure we can! You're the most popular kid in school now, Chris Griffin!"

Chris stands in the middle of the bus, "Everybody sing, I GET KNOCKED DOWN! I GET UP AGAIN! YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!" All the students began to sing Tubthumping my ChumbaWumba.

Neil could not tolerate it. As soon as Chris and the other students sang the lyrics, "He drinks a whiskey drink. He drinks a vodka drink. He drinks a Lager drink. He drinks a Cider drink. He sings the songs that remind him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the best times!"

Once Neil heard those lyrics. It struck a nerve with him. He began to crave whiskey more than ever. Not only that, Neil began to cry a little bit recalling how much fun he had being friends with Chris in high school.

The school bus stopped at a gas station. "Huh? Why are we stopping here?" asked a student. Neil gets out, "Uhh, I just gotta use the bathroom." "Okay! Pee you all you want to!" Chris called out.

Neil rushed into the gas station and got himself a 6 pack of whiskey and he didn't even wait to have it later. He guzzled down 3 bottles then started to feel disoriented. Getting back on the school bus, into the drivers seat. Neil started to get very sleepy.

The students and Chris didn't even notice Neil's condition. Neil fell asleep at the wheel. Principal Shepherd, Chris, and the students then realized that they were not going anywhere near the Nature Preserve.

"Uhhh, Neil? Do you know where this Nature Preserve is?" asked Chris. The smell of the alcohol filled the school bus when Neil let out a huge burp. "Is that....beer? Whiskey maybe." Principal Shepherd says. The smell of alcohol got to all the students. "BBLLUUHHHH. Pull up the windows!"

Neil's head fell square on the steering wheel which made the horn honk. The school bus soon crashed into a tree. Everybody screamed but were okay. Chris Griffin however, flew out of the school bus window and landed on the same tree. Chris fell down, his body hit the ground and was now in a coma.

"Oh no! Chris Griffin! He's dead!" said one of the students. Principal Shepherd goes to check on Neil. "Wake up! Wake up! You crashed the fucking bus!"

Neil wakes up, "Ohhh, I did? Dude, what was I thinking!" "You endangered these students. You probably sent Chris Griffin to his grave. We smelled whiskey when you burped so loudly. That can only mean one thing!" Principal Shepherd says to Neil.

"What is it?" Neil said obliviously. "You're drunk! What else could it mean! Didn't all those drunk driving videos all the teachers showed have any impact on you at all!" Principal Shepherd yells maliciously at Neil Goldman.

"Oh no we're stranded! Call an ambulance for Chris!" said one of the students. "Don't worry, calm down! We may be stranded but help is on the way." Principal Shepherd advised the students. Still in a drunken state, Neil sees Chris laying on the leafy dirt ground. Neil began to cry. Principal Shepherd yelled at Neil some more, "Some Governor you are! Driving drunk! You're worse than Ted Kennedy!"

"Chris! Chris! Chris! sob What have I done!" Neil said. Momentarily, Chris was in the hospital in a coma. Neil was there visiting.

"Oh Chris. You were my best friend. I might have killed you. Get better soon." Neil was crying by Chris's bedside. Brian and Stewie came in to visit Chris.

"Brian and Stewie. Thank God you guys are here." Neil cried. "We're not here for you, Neil!" Brian clearly stated. "We're here to see Chris." Stewie said who ran up to his hospital bed.

"Big brother. I know I've been cruel to you at times. It was all in the name of fun." Stewie sobbed. "Look, Brian. This is all my fault. I never dreamed that I would become Governor out of the blue. I hated all the perks and responsibilities that came along with it. So I turned to the bottle......" Neil struggles to explain himself.

"Yeah, you were actually all over the local news with your drunken escapades." Brian vexed. "You stole one of Joe's Cop Cars. How intelligent was that?" asked Stewie. "We even heard you got into a fight with Ernie The Chicken." says Brian. "Once I got into power as Governor, Meg has been a high flying bitch to me. Yelling at me, beating me up, spending all our money on useless shit....." Neil cries out. "Whaaaat? Meg is the abusive one now? Hmmm, what goes around comes around." Stewie implied.

"I just wish I could turn back the clock. To make sure nothing like this happens." Neil said. "I think we can help you with that." Brian assures Neil.

"You...you can?" Neil asked. "Why yes. Time travel is one of me and Brian's favorite pastimes." said Stewie.

"Believe it or not, Stewie has a time machine. If we can go back three months, it'll be a totally different timeline where nothing like this will ever happen." Brian said.

"Really? You both would do that?" said Neil. "Absolutely! Come to think of it, I miss plotting against Lois and the Fatman since they've been in prison." Stewie said.

"I've even had to work two jobs just to make ends meet. That isn't fun." explains Brian. "Let's go, Brian. We have a timeline to change!" Stewie said.

Neil was still by Chris's bedside in his hospital room. Brian and Stewie went home and had gone inside Stewie's time machine. Going back three months before the seniors in Adam West High were going to graduate.

Things were back to the status quo for Quahog and all it's residents. Brian and Stewie stepped out of the time machine. "Do we have to stop Mayor Wild Wild West from appointing Neil Goldman governor?" Brian asks.

"Nope not at all." Begins Stewie, "According to my calculations, this is a timeline where it's on an infinite loop." "Meaning?" Brian asked.

"Lois and The Fatman will never have gone to prison for abusing Meg. You never would have gained custody of me and Chris. Neil and Meg will have never gotten married, and Neil would never have become a drunken Governor. And all the Adam West High School students are doomed to spend their entire existence in the grades they are in." Stewie concluded.

"What you're saying is back to basics." Brian said. "Yep! Exactly. Classic Griffin Family!" Stewie said.

Meg is in her bedroom calling out, "Mom! Dad! Have you seen my homework essay?" Peter runs into Meg's bedroom and farts in her face, "I have it right here along with an anal exam!" giggles Peter.

Brian and Stewie high five each other and laugh, "Yep, we're back to normal all right!" Everything in Quahog was back in order. Meg was back to being the family's punching bag. Peter and Lois will never go to prison. Neil never got married and suddenly became governor only to go on a drunken binge not knowing how to handle it. Chris will never land in a coma due to a bus accident. Brian will never be a guardian to Chris and Stewie thus having to work two jobs. Therefore, because of the change in the timeline, all the students from Adam West High will never graduate. Brian and Stewie then turn to the screen.

"The moral of this story today our faithful viewers is this." Brian says.

"Never put insecure teenagers in positions of power! If it were to happen, things would not be coming up roses for Meg, Neil, or anyone else in Quahog who was abused and bullied." Stewie said.

"Our story ends here! Have a wonderful week ahead to all our viewers!" Brian said. "Coming up next, stay tuned for Bob's Burgers. Or is it The Great North? Whatever, we're out of time. Good night!" Stewie said.


The End



The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!